#it's almost gone but literally refuses to shrink that final bit and disappear completely

[shiningwonho]

having to go back to a stud in my nose piercing instead of the hoop :(

i've had an irritation bump for months and while it's shrunk down a LOT, it's hit a size that it just like....refuses to get any smaller from, so going back to a stud is my only option 😩

[searchingwardrobes]

Ivory Runs Red: 5/6

First off, massive thanks to the @cssns​, my beta @demisexualemmaswan​, and my artist @cocohook38​. Cocohook created this amazing cover art, and she is working on something else too to go with this story. The rough sketch made my jaw drop, so I can’t wait for ya’ll to see it!

This part  is going to be a little long, but I need to address something that I got multiple comments about. Just bear with me; this is the only way I can think to clear things up. I was really surprised to see that some people were angry at David and Mary Margaret for not doing anything to find Emma and/or "allowing" her relationship with Neal. Others simply expressed things along the lines of "I hope you explain what David and Mary Margaret did about all this." The reason this reaction surprised me so much is because I thought it was clear that they HAD done something. Why would the Golds need to get rid of police files if the Swans never reported Emma missing? Why would issues of the newspaper be missing from the library if Emma's disappearance wasn't reported on? Obviously, David and Mary Margaret did something! As for Neal, they had no idea Emma was seeing him. If you'll recall, in a previous chapter, Emma told Killian she had to sneak out at night to meet Neal. So that wasn't Snowing's fault either. Also, how would any of these characters know what David and Mary Margaret did or didn't do for their daughter? This is almost a hundred years later, and Emma's memories are dulled from being a ghost for so long. The only way I could spell out clearly how Snowing handled their daughter's disappearance would be some sort of convoluted info-dump, and I didn't want to destroy the tone and mood of the story to do that. But just so everyone knows: Yes, Emma's parents were devastated. They did everything in their power to find her, never giving up hope (which is so in character for them!). They died still believing she was either still out there or that crimes against her had gone unpunished. It broke their hearts. The Golds spread rumors that Emma was some kind of slut who ran away with a guy, and the people of Storybrooke overall thought the Swans had gone crazy. So there it is, that's the back story that I just couldn't figure out how to fit in the story, lol.

I'm not mad at the questions, to be clear. I was just surprised by them. I guess I blame the show for ruining these two as parents the last couple of seasons. Maybe that's why everyone jumped on them so fast. I was also honestly worried that ya'll would be upset with me for not addressing the topic, hence this long explanation! No one was rude by any means, so don't go trying to defend me from nonexistent trolls, lol! My feelings have NOT been hurt. I simply wanted to address the questions that were asked and the misplaced anger toward Snowing. (Not anger towards me - but fictional characters!)

Okay, now that I've cleared all THAT up, let's get on with the next chapter, shall we? And I'll go ahead and warn you: this is gonna hurt . . .

Summary: When ebony flashes gold, blood runs cold. When ivory runs red, you’ll be dead. Killian Jones had heard the old rhyme his entire life. Every child did in Storybrooke, Maine. They heard it whispered in the dark at sleepovers as children; taunted as a challenge as teenagers. Killian never believed it was actually true. Until that fateful night …

Rated M for graphic depictions of violence, abusive relationships, and major character death (I mean, it’s a ghost story ya’ll, people are dead. BUT I promise, there is a happy ending. Trust me? *peeks from around a corner*)

Length: 6 chapters, complete, updated every Friday

Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Four

Also on Ao3

Tagging the usuals: @snowbellewells​ @whimsicallyenchantedrose​ @kmomof4​ @xhookswenchx​ @let-it-raines​ @bethacaciakay​ @tiganasummertree​ @shireness-says​ @stahlop​ @scientificapricot​ @spartanguard​ @welllpthisishappening​ @resident-of-storybrooke​ @thislassishooked​ @ilovemesomekillianjones​ @kday426​ @ekr032-blog-blog​ @lfh1226-linda​ @ultraluckycatnd​ @nikkiemms @optomisticgirl​ @profdanglaisstuff​ @ohmakemeahercules​ @carpedzem​ @branlovestowrite​ @superchocovian​ @hollyethecurious​ @vvbooklady1256​ @winterbaby89​ @delirious-latenight-laughs​ @jennjenn615​ @snidgetsafan​ @itsfabianadocarmo​ @lassluna​ @distant-rose​ @courtorderedcake​ @winterbythesea​ @thesschesthair​ @killian-whump​ @thisonesatellite​ @batana54​ @it-meant-something​ @xsajx​ @therooksshiningknight​ @gingerchangeling​​

Chapter Five: Run

“You’ve got to tell them what you saw - what you’ve learned,” Killian pleaded. 

Graham shook his head, his curly hair falling in his eyes as he stared at the slender hands he clasped in his. His eyes were bloodshot, his jaw sported far more facial hair than it normally did, and Killian didn’t have to ask if he’d slept in the past forty-eight hours. 

“They won’t believe me.”

Killian’s jaw clenched in frustration. “But if I saw Emma, and you saw her, then maybe they’ll believe -”

“That Belle saw a ghost push Mike Gaston off the troll bridge? They’ll believe that? Really?” Graham let out a sarcastic, bitter laugh. “You really are just a naive kid if that’s what you're thinking.”

“But you’re a cop!”

“I’m still only nineteen! They’ll think we’re just over-imaginative teenagers.” Graham paused, reaching up with one hand to trace the curve of Belle’s cheek as she slept in her drug-induced prison. “That will land us in rooms just down the hall with our own IV full of an antipsychotic cocktail. How will I help her then?”

“You’ve fallen in love with her.” It wasn’t a question. 

Graham sighed. “How could I not? And how could he -” He broke off, his blue eyes flashing. “I’m not sorry he’s dead. If I’d been there and saw him hurt her -”

“Shh, I wouldn’t say things like that. Not here.”

Killian’s gaze fell to the bruises around Belle’s neck, and he didn’t blame Graham at all. It terrified him to think what could have happened if Emma hadn’t shown up.

“History repeats itself,” he murmured under his breath. 

*************************************************

Killian had scarcely arrived at the bridge when headlights blinded him. He turned away, blinking, stumbling, refusing to be stopped. 

“Emma! Emma!” he shouted. He tripped and dropped his flashlight. It broke as it hit the ground, rolling to the edge of the bridge. Now all he could see was ebony before him and radiant luminescence behind him. 

His palms scraped against the asphalt as Liam hauled him to his feet. His brother gripped his upper arms so tightly it was almost painful, and he gave him a brief shake. 

“You’ve got to stop this!”

Killian fought him. “I have to see her!”

Liam had always been broader than Killian with an unfair advantage in all their childhood tussles. Even now, Killian was no match for him as he lifted him bodily with one arm and hauled him over to his car. 

“You need help!” Liam literally tossed him into the backseat. 

“I’m not going home!” Killian tried to scramble out, but Liam just shoved him back inside. 

“Good, because I’m not taking you home.”

*******************************************************

“Why won’t you be straight with us, kid?”

Killian glared at the detective with a cynical sneer. The psychiatrist on the cop’s left frowned at Killian’s attitude. The choice of words was cruel considering he was in a literal straightjacket. His vision of the two men was obscured by the long strands of dark hair before his eyes. Haircuts were apparently seen as a luxury on the psych ward. 

“I’ve answered all your questions,” Killian finally told them wearily, “you just don’t like what I had to say.”

“Because we want the truth,” the psychiatrist, Dr. Archie Hopper, said gently. He was clearly playing the part of “good cop.” Or “good doctor.” Whatever.

“I told you the truth.”

“There’s no such thing as ghosts.”

Killian snorted a laugh. “Tell that to Mike Gaston.”

The detective’s voice took on a harsh, warning tone. “Mike Gaston was the victim of murder.”

“The victim!” Killian cried, his voice snapping up. “What about the bruises he put on Belle? Or the fact that I nearly died when he tied me to that bridge!”

The detective’s lips curled up in a lewd sneer as he lit a cigarette. “If some horny teenager likes it a bit rough, that’s none of my business.”

Killian fought his bonds, his jaw clenching at the detective’s insinuation. He was as bad as Neal Gold, maybe worse. He had to be pushing fifty at least, and a pot belly strained at his button up shirt. His eyes widened as Killian raged.

“Bothers you though, I see.” He leaned forward. “Nobody blames you for wanting her, kid. Nobody blames you for being jealous. But murder? That’s a different story.”

“I told you I had nothing to do with that!”

The detective glanced at Dr. Hopper, and the soft spoken psychiatrist took over. “Killian, start at the beginning for us. What did Belle say when she called you that night?”

“I’m telling you, she didn’t call me, she didn’t come to my house. I saw her early that afternoon at the library. That was it. Then my brother got a phone call that there had been an accident, and we came to the hospital.”

“You and Belle were at the library together a lot,” Hopper said softly, “what did you two do there?”

Killian rolled his eyes. He hated the patronizing way the man asked the question. “We studied. Did our homework. We were friends.”

The detective snorted again, and Killian wanted to scream. “Drop the act, kid. You really expect us to believe that you spent all that time with her, all that time with a hot chick, and you never fucked her?”

Dr. Hopper recoiled at the foul language, and Killian thought his own jaw might actually break. 

“You’re just as much a misogynistic, narrow-minded, neanderthal as Mike Gaston.”

The detective grinned and slapped Dr. Hopper on the knee. “You were right, shrink, this kid’s smart.” He took another puff of his cigarette as he eyed Killian. “Smart enough to plan an elaborate murder with your knocked-up girlfriend?”

“That’s the most ridiculous - wait - did you say knocked up?”

“Hm,” the detective mused, leaning back in his chair and rubbing at his five o’clock shadow. “You didn’t know?”

Killian was horrified when a laugh slipped past his lips. Another bitter laugh followed, then another, until before he knew it, he was shaking with them. He was laughing hysterically while wearing a straightjacket. That thought made him laugh even more, and if he didn’t seem like a lunatic before, he sure as hell did now. 

“What the hell is so funny?” thundered the detective.

Killian’s laughter stopped abruptly and he leveled the man with an intense stare. “History repeating itself. That’s what’s so funny.”

A smile that he knew bordered on manic curled his lips. Yes, history had repeated itself, and this time, Emma Swan had won. 

************************************************************

They didn’t have enough to charge him, or Belle, or anyone else really with Gaston’s murder. It was officially declared an accident, and theoretically, Belle French and Killian Jones were free to move on. 

Killian wouldn’t say it was easy for Belle. She had severe trauma from that terrifying night, and she ended up losing the baby because of it. Nevertheless, she had Dr. Hopper’s patient help, her father’s support, and Graham’s unwavering devotion. Soon, though it would be a long time before she was truly healed, she was able to go home. 

Killian, on the other hand, didn’t really want to go home. For one, he, unlike Belle and Graham, refused to stop talking about Emma - refused to lie and say he made it up. He didn’t fault his friends for it; didn’t take it as a betrayal. He even understood their reasoning when they begged him to do the same and just play along, damn it. He simply couldn’t do it. Emma was too real, too precious. He knew her in a way they never would. He knew the feel of her skin, the taste of her lips. He wouldn’t - couldn’t - let that go.

The psych ward wasn’t so bad. The drugs numbed him to the point that he sailed on a sea of oblivion half the time. He’d stopped fighting, so there was no more straight jacket, no more bed straps. 

And she came to him. Sometimes the drugs meant he wasn’t lucid enough to really carry on a conversation. On those nights, she curled up next to him on the bed. She ran her fingers through his hair and caressed his cheeks. She pressed kisses to his lips, and sometimes he could respond in kind. 

Other times, though admittedly rare, they would talk. About everything and nothing at all. One night, they talked about their dreams for later, after high school, and suddenly Emma began to weep. 

“I know,” he soothed, brushing her forehead with a kiss, “you fear you can never have that. But maybe we can figure it out. If we somehow get the truth out. About your murder -”

Emma silenced him with a finger to his lips. “That isn’t it, Killian. It’s you. I have no more tomorrows but you can.”

His brow furrowed, and she sighed and soothed the lines away with the pad of her thumb. 

“But not if you keep holding onto me.”

His arms instinctively pulled her closer. “I’ll never let you go.”

She sighed, and sadness filled her eyes. She slipped out of his embrace and rose from the bed. Her skin grew white, her gown floated in an ethereal way at her feet. He frowned and scrambled to a sitting position. 

“I have to say goodbye,” she told him. She said it with an edge of discovery in her voice. Her lips turned up in a soft smile even as a tear slipped down her cheek. 

He shook his head and tried to reach for her, to leave the bed, but he had just enough drugs in his system to make his movements sluggish and ineffectual. 

“I won’t let you see me again.”

“No, Emma, please! I love you!”

“And I love you. That’s why I have to do this.” 

She was already fading away. Killian made a fist and slammed it into his thigh. Tears stung his eyes. 

“Be happy,” she told him, “for me.”

Then she was gone.

[i-love-hobbies]

Eda's reckless behaviour and overall mental health

Summary

Eda is a genius, but is very emotional when making decisions (not anger, but fear, stress ect.)

Her reckless behaviour and apple blood problem in my opinion are her ways of running from reality.

In season 1 she made a bit of progress on this issue. Then the finale happened. Then she made again progress and s2ep7 did a complete reset. And she is making progress now again.

Eda's intelligence

She's been a criminal for thirty years. She has been in the shady business for an extremely long time. Yes magic definitely helps but you also have to find a way to be on top of the game, so you can survive.

Remember Tibbles' shrinking potion. She can't really use a lot of magic if she is shrinked or poisoned and dead, can she? Not to talk about her enemies which you'd think would attack her now that she is magicless.

They haven't on screen, yet. The only ones that tried are Adegast and Tibbles and they both died without her using any magic (or close to nothing).

Now we know that she doesn't make plans a lot on screen. In s2ep3 especially she just let's Luz make the plan but that's because she is her mentor.

In s2ep6 Luz used sleeping needles which is wild magic so no, it's not knowledge coming from Hexside. Also the pickpocketing Luz mentioned.

Teachers don't do the tests instead of students.

She teaches her everything that isn't glyphs. I wouldn't be surprised if she has told stories to Luz about her best "outsmarting everyone in the room" moments.

Now we have seen some of her problem solving on screen. One of which was in ep.18 fight only using her channelled magic trough the staff (im not taking credit for noticing this, have no idea who did though) and used the bridge.

Also if she can telepathically talk to her staff. Owlbert saving Luz was probably her idea.

She had her impact on Raine's rebellion as well, without having magic or turning into a harpy.

"You are not our mom!"

"Wow, we actually helped people this time!"

"Bye, mommy Eda!"

In the back of her head she knows exactly what to do, everytime something happens.

Eda's mental health

Eda's curse and the nightmares it causes. The father incident. The fact that she probably thought Lilith was scared of her.

Lilith's hidden guilt and her taking her father's eye out don't mix well together. I wouldn't be surprised if they barely spoke even if they lived in a house together.

Her losing Raine.

Her faith in the emporer being broken.

She has seen a lot of death, that does impact people.

Season 1

At the beginning of the series she was making a lot of bad choices which don't aline with her experience.

The series starts with her getting caught by Warden Wrath. Instead of just sneaking, they were just walking comfortably in the corridors.

They are kids, one from another dimension, but her... She doesn't know better? And for a paper crown that she can replace by stealing from someone else.

Next episode we are introduced to her morning drink later on confirmed to be for adults only. And that drink didn't get a mention for the rest of the season. In that episode she is also not the most clear-headed. She didn't try to sneak, she didn't use potions. Didn't try to plan.

A list about her being impatient can go on and on.

So when does she think. When she realises it's dangerous (aka when it's right in her face). Literally in the first episode the moment she started doing stuff is when she got caught and spat on the warden's face.

In episode 2 she didn't do that because she didn't know if Luz was alive and had a hard time bottling her feelings. Like if Luz proved to him to be hard to keep tight up he could have killed her, the girl that came back for her and her son yesterday. And she proved to Eda that she is a little dangerous the previous episode with her fireworks.

Eda was rational again, after she was with both King and Luz.

As the series went on though she started to calm down a bit.

Firstly, the fact that she was so focused on fixing her card problem, after Tibbles scammed her, that she trew them away in another dimension.

I was wondering how she overcame it so quickly.

It also shows her knowledge of how to handle this type of problems which brings up a question. How did she learn it?

Secondly let's compare the first half of the season to the second.

1. Everything I already pointed out and was hiding the curse. The stuff that happened in ep.5. Her refusal to be parental in ep.7. Body swapped.

2. She gets scammed again (this time though, how do you expect that someone was digging their own grave). Didn't use a sleeping spell on the slitherbeast immediately instead was just standing there. Got caught by the fun police. Worsened King's stage fright.

In ep.15 because of her ignorance Luz and Amity almost die. Except that is not the full story. She had at this point a lot of faith in Luz and this was her friend's mind.

For Amity it's not that she hated her. Amity actually saved her in ep.12. It's because she wasn't that important for her to realise. "Omg Willow is at the very least extremely mad at her."

It's again a refusal to think, but for a stranger and not really on purpose. It was just a habit of hers.

Episode 18 and 19

At the beginning of the episode. Eda hid the curse, again.

When she learned that Lilith had kidnapped Luz. She didn't try to make a plan. She just revealed herself in all her glory while her magic was disappearing.

Shot the staff in a wall while she was having no idea, what that was supposed to accomplish.

Luz showed up and she finally started thinking.

Afterwards Lilith said we all know what and for the first time Eda's anger was the leader of her choices and Luz almost fell on to the spikes.

So then, for the very least a night, she was stuck in her mind with something, that was chasing her. She woke up to Emporer Baby the B*tch, who was telling her, he was about to go after Luz.

And no she didn't believe in Lilith, but was so overwhelmed. It was insane. So she begged. After some more running, she woke up to Luz in the Comformatoriam.

Next, she was about to get petrified and for awhile this was the calmest things have been since she got caught. Then Lilith shows up (ah yes she existed).

King jumped "She was trying to help!". Wait King was there.

Petrification beam go.

PURE PAIN!

Then she got the idea for all of them to fly away. Lilith shared the curse making the confusion even bigger. Then her magic is gone (that was a thing). She learned that the portal is destroyed. Now she was living with Lilith and might have starved to death with everyone else in the house.

After all of this she not only tried but HAD TO pretend that she was mentally stable, so they could survive this mess.

Season 2A

In episode 1 she told Luz not to go after big bounties and then tried to steal from a coven's ship.

At this point her emotions are the only thing that made decisions while they were also getting hidden. Don't get me wrong she did help and should, especially Luz but it's ALL feelings. She didn't think about consequences, which sometimes are good.

She didn't attack Lilith cause it's just not the time, she's scared from her own anger. Plus she can't really stand being with the roller coaster of emotions, that came with being in one room with her.

This didn't mean she didn't work with her and hadn't listened to the backstory, though.

The episode ends with her and everyone else not being close to dieing. Finally!

So now what? She tried to think about Lilith? Yeah, she probably preferred not to.

Then her glyph almost kills King, but Lilith showed up and helped. This is probably a familiarity she missed. So again she decided not to process it, but it definitely sticks.

She also didn't notice Luz being hurt.

Next episode, we saw Eda taking a shower which means she has healthy coping mechanisms, at least one, self-care and is not yet a workaholic.

Luz's apple blood joke is concerning.

After the events of episode 3. Luz probably told her that Lilith stayed with her and King, instead of just leaving them, get killed by Jean-Luc.

Then Eda still isn't certain where she stands about everything and Lilith just left, with her final act being, giving King mental issues.

Throughout this whole thing her mom was there with her cures/annual accidental attempt to kill her favourite daughter.

In this episode, Eda fell for apple blood signs. Rationality is out of the window.

In ep.6 she decided to help, with students getting palisman. Again not thinking about all the trauma, but finally doing something against her first instinct.

In ep.7 she heard King's "Le-" and refused to fully process, where the heck is he gonna go.

She also punched someone, cause this is gonna work?

Now she has reconnected with Raine having no idea should she even think of a romantic relationship again? And decided to be useful at least for something since she "can't raise kids".

She was helping and being very good at it, but it came from fear of loneliness.

Then she heard that Belos has a plan and just is overwhelmed. What if the kids get hurt, is she powerless?

Oh, look! Raine might be dead!

Next episode she overworked herself.

In between ep.8 and 9 she was trying to scare the beast into transforming. (She is losing her sanity. Literally the previous episode told her not to do that.)

In episode 9 again it's all emotional. She wants to feel better and be stronger, so she told King to blast her (almost blasting Amity), hit fool's blood even though Amity said the lake is further ahead.

Luckily she showed progress too.

She ate voles, which was against how she was feeling.

In ep.10 she was scared of letting Luz in the portal. I'm not saying she wouldn't have before, but I don't think it was easy.

Right now, after s2ep10, I think she isn't the most mentally stable. But she is definitely working on it.

[ayatosmlktea]

Oh! Thank god you're ok with im requesting an imagine. Um if its not much to ask, can i have uh angst turns happy modern au levi x s/o imagine. Levi's s/o suffers from anxiety and mild depression so she gets really anxious and scared when she heard rumours that levi is cheating (which he is not) thank you!!

𝑹𝒖𝒎𝒐𝒖𝒓��

Y/N knew that she hadn’t been the best company the last few weeks. She knew that her depression was getting the best of her, coupled with her anxiety Y/N found herself more often than not retreating into herself. Levi constantly told her that he was there for her and that she could always come to him but Y/N knew that he was busy, now so more than ever. She put up a fake smile long enough to have him believing that she was fine but behind the facade she just wanted to lie in bed and disappear. 

Unfortunately, being a responsible adult with bills to pay meant that she had no choice but to drag her ass out of bed and go to work. Everyday was the same, spending eight hours a day sitting at her desk, filing paperwork, making phone calls and forcing herself to sit through conversations at lunch she didn’t want to be a part of. Y/N was taking a much needed bathroom break, the day was dragging on and she had woken up with a migraine that no amount of caffeine could tame.

 She needed five minutes to herself where people weren’t screaming at her over the phone over issues that were out of her control. It wasn’t their fault their director had decided to completely bypass their advice and do the exact thing they had told their client NOT to do. Y/N massaged her temples, willing her migraine to leave, she still had a few hours of work left and knew that it was going to be a long day. If Levi hadn’t been swamped with work negotiating new trade deals she would have gone to see him for a quick head massage. His fingers could work miracles. Just as she was about to open the stall door she heard hushed voices entering the bathroom.

“Are you serious?”

“I saw it with my own two eyes dude! They were kissing!” Y/N rolled her eyes, the office was always buzzing with gossip and she didn’t ever care for it. Especially not when all she wanted to do was hide under her blankets at home.

“Why would Levi be kissing Petra?”

Y/N’s hand froze over the latch of the stall door, the air was suddenly kicked out of her lungs.

“Have you seen the way she looks at him? You can practically feel the sexual frustration radiating off of her”

A ball of nerves settled in her stomach, her eyes were wide at hearing Levi, her Levi, being seen kissing someone else. A million thoughts were racing through her mind as she tried and failed not to picture the two of them together. Petra was nice, she knew they were together. She wouldn’t do something like that to her...would she.

“Oh my God do you think Y/N knows?” Y/N could hear the blood rushing in her ears, her whole body felt uncomfortably hot.

“I don’t think so. They came in together this morning and I saw him kissing Petra last night.” 

“That’s so embarrassing! I kind of feel bad for her”

The voices gradually grew fainter as the girl’s left the bathroom. Y/N felt like a  knife twist was being twisted in her gut, why hadn’t Levi told her? He had mentioned that he was going to be working late and had told her not to wait up for him, was this why? Y/N felt like throwing up, finding out that her boyfriend was cheating on her, from work gossip no less, didn’t help the growing feeling of despair. 

Rubbing her eyes to wipe away any tears that she refused to let fall she finally stepped out of the stall. Grabbing a paper towel she tried to dry her eyes as best as she could, there was only so long she could stay in the bathroom without drawing suspicion towards herself. Her eyes were bloodshot but there was nothing she could do about that, at least she could blame it on her migraine.

As luck would have, Y/N bumped into Petra on the way out of the bathroom. The orange haired girl smiled brightly at her like she always did and while Y/N usually returned it, she couldn’t bear to look at her. The fact that Petra was acting like she hadn’t been kissing her boyfriend behind her back was enough to make Y/N want to punch her in the face. Heat spread across the back of her neck and she stared straight ahead, completely ignoring Petra.

Sitting back at her desk she tried to focus on getting her work done but her thoughts kept torturing her with images of Levi doing things with Petra that he’d done to her. It was masochistic but she couldn’t stop them. A sinking feeling settled over her and the longer she thought about it the more she realized that it was probably her fault that Levi had felt the need to seek comfort from someone else. She knew that she could be unpleasant to be around, she had a tendency to push people away when she was going through a depressive episode.

Guilt and self-loathing made themselves at home weighing on her heart heavily, maybe it was for the best that they broke up.

Petra was Levi’s equal in their field and Y/N was, well, unimpressive. Nothing about her really stood out, she wasn’t funny or outgoing or as friendly as Petra was. Y/N bit her lip hard enough to keep herself from crying in front of all her coworkers. The final hours of her shift dragged on but she had somehow managed to survive until the end. Grabbing her bag she hastily threw on her jacket hoping to avoid running into Levi or Petra on her way out.

It seemed that the universe and everything else was against her, before she could even make it to the elevator she had been pulled into Levi’s office. The familiar smell of his cologne made her want to sink into his embrace but after having spent the entire afternoon stewing in her own self-destructive thoughts it made her feel sick.

The kiss he pressed against her temple left an acidic feeling in her throat.

“I missed you, what do you say we order in tonight? All these shitty contracts are giving me a headache” It had taken a while for Levi to completely warm up to her, while he wasn’t one for pda especially at the office she had taken pride in getting him to at least kiss her in the privacy of his own office. Now it felt like all that time they had spent getting to know each other was for nothing.

“Actually, I think I’m going to stay at my place tonight.” Y/N refused to meet his gaze, keeping her eyes glued to the floor.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing! I’m just not feeling well, I don’t want my bad mood to rub off on you” She mumbled, pulling herself away from his embrace but Levi’s grip on her biceps tightened.

“I know when you’re lying to me, brat. Now tell me what’s wrong” Against her will hot tears threatened to spill over.

“Do you still love me?” Levi’s eyebrow raised, his eyes bore into hers wondering why she was asking him such a pointless question.

“You know I do” Her eyebrows knit together, turning her face away from him. She wanted to believe him but her anxiety was getting the best of her. He was probably only saying that because he didn’t want her to find out about him and Petra. He couldn’t really love her, not when she was such a mess. She could barely get out of bed in the morning, why would he want to be with someone like her?

“Hey,” Levi’s voice is soft, the tone he uses for when they’re alone. The pads of his thumbs brush away the tears that were falling down her face.

“Are you in love with Petra?” Gunmetal eyes narrow as his fingers stop moving along her damp skin.

“Where the hell did you get that ridiculous idea?” Y/N felt herself shrink under his gaze, no matter how many times she had seen it this was the first time she had ever been the subject of it.

“I uh, I heard some of the girls in the bathroom talking about how they saw you kissing Petra last night.” Levi sighed, his hands cupped Y/N’s face.

“I didn’t kiss her Y/N, I would never betray your trust like that!”

“Then why are people saying they saw you kissing her?” Y/N really wanted to believe Levi but if there were witnesses then maybe he was just really good at lying to her. She didn’t want to be caught off gaurd and end up looking stupid for not seeing the signs of a cheating boyfriend right in front of her.

“Baby, listen to me. I would never cheat on you! I love you so much and I wouldn’t do anything to ruin us. Petra wasn’t even with me last night. Please trust me” Levi’s eyes never lied, but she was too far gone in her doubts to shake them off.

“Why me?” Once again trying to pull away from Levi’s grasp she felt a wave of disgust course through her. She wasn’t special! There were so many other people who were better than her! She wasn’t pretty like Petra, she was just ordinary! Easily overlooked, there was nothing about her that Levi could possibly love. Who would want to be with something that was always depressed? It would be better if she just disappeared, he’d be better off without her.

Levi looked heartbroken, he couldn’t believe the words coming out of her mouth.

“Is that really how you feel about yourself?” Y/N felt her cheeks burn with embarrassment as she realized she had exposed the thoughts that were in her head had come out without even knowing it.

Tilting her chip up with two fingers Levi’s lips brushed against hers in a soft slow kiss.

“You are beautiful” he mumbled between kisses. There was no room to escape, Levi’s dominant presence always managed to make her feel cornered more so now that her back was literally against the wall.

“You are an amazing woman, I don’t care who you think is better than you because everyone else pales in comparison to you.” Y/N’s eyes began to water again, she hated crying in front of Levi but fuck if he didn’t know just what to say. Burying her face in the crook of his neck her hands gripped the material of his suit jacket like he was her anchor, the only thing keeping her from slipping into the dark recesses of her mind.

“I’m sorry” her words almost completely muffled but Levi caught them. It made his heart heavy to know that stupid rumors had caused Y/N to spiral into a mess of self-doubt and hatred. The fact that she had even considered the possibility of him cheating on her meant that he wasn’t doing his job of loving her properly.

“Come on, let’s go home. I think we could both use a shower and some pizza” Kissing the top of her head Levi stepped back, the sight of her bloodshot eyes and tear stained cheeks pulling at his heartstrings painfully.

“I love you, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have listened to those stupid rumors.” Y/N tugged her bottom lip between her teeth, an anxious habit Levi had picked up on before they had started dating. Grabbing her hands in his he held them over his chest.

“I want you to be able to come to me when you’re feeling down. I don’t care how busy I am, your feelings are important to me! You are no less beautiful or strong to me, even when you’re struggling” Y/N’s face lit up in a way that he hadn’t seen in weeks. He missed her smile and would do anything to make sure she always felt loved. Before the night was over Levi was going to make sure Y/N knew exactly how special she was to him.

[allyinthekeyofx]

Love is a quiet voice

Cancer arc.  MSR.

Chapter One

She thinks I haven’t noticed.  She thinks that she has successfully hidden the fact that twice in the space of twenty minutes she has briefly brought her hand up to cover her eyes which she closes against the glare of the sunlight that is flooding the office from the wide skylight directly above where she is sitting, keeping up the pretence of working, pinching the bridge of her nose before dropping her hand away guiltily, fearful that I might catch her in this moment of weakness, of frailty and that God forbid I might draw attention to it; to question her on it.

 Because Scully won’t admit weakness.  

 Not  to herself and certainly not to me.

 Because, as she informed me just a few days ago, her first round of treatments have been ineffectual in knocking back the tumour that is living right in-between those incredible blue eyes, eyes which are slowly losing their sparkling zest for life and that have, on occasion seemed to look right in to my very soul; and she is beginning to disappear, to grow ever dimmer as the days go by.  I can actually see it happening, and the sight of her suffering makes me fluctuate wildly between wanting to go on a fucking rampage through the hallways with my gun and just gathering her up in my arms and never letting her go.  That even if I can’t cure her, I might at least be able to make things better for her. Because if she doesn’t let me in soon, I fear I will crash so heavily, so completely that I will never get up again.

 And then, for the third time, I watch her reflection in the glass of the cupboard directly opposite that affords me an unobstructed view of her without betraying my scrutiny as she repeats the action, an action I know is born of the sickening headache she is trying so desperately to hide.  

 I can’t stand it anymore. I just can’t.  I can’t watch her risking herself just to remain in this fucking office for even another minute.  

 “I’m taking you home”

 I don’t mean it to come out sounding quite as harshly authoritarian as it does and I’m unsurprised when she immediately straightens her posture, realising she has been busted but still not prepared to give me an inch.  And even before she opens her mouth I know what’s coming.

 “I’m fine”

 “You’re not fine.” I supply in a dull monotone that doesn’t even sound like me.

 And as expected, my words elicit a sudden spark of anger from her, that I’m sure if she actually had any real fight left in her amongst the pain and the fear and the desperation, would quickly spiral in to a full blown Scully assault that would pretty much render me flat on my ass.  But those days have gone, whether temporarily or not, she just hasn’t got it in her right now to summon up the response required to win her case.  So instead she just sets her jaw and meets me head on, with a stare that’s so full of ice I swear I feel a chill work its way down my back.  And she quite eloquently tells me to get fucked without even having to open her mouth. It gives me two choices; to go all caveman on her and drag her kicking and screaming out of the office – an action that in all probability, sick or not, will elicit her pulling her gun and shooting a hole right through me – or, to appeal to her rational side.

 Because she knows.  

 Deep down she knows she doesn’t want to be here.  Hell I don’t even want to be here.  I want to be covering her with soft blankets and watching her sleep and stroking her pain away, I want her to allow me the most basic human response of wanting to help someone I love when they are hurting.  So far, aside from a few moments of weakness right back when she was first diagnosed, she hasn’t allowed anyone in far enough to even begin to attempt to give a damn about her, to help her get through this; to love her.  The patented Dana Scully barriers that form an impenetrable wall around her and which are probably the only things that have actually got stronger as the terrifying months have passed us by, in full force today, tomorrow and probably right up until the point she takes her last breath while I waste precious time searching for the sledgehammer required to get through them.

 So I try another approach, one which I know is slightly below the belt because I know she hates to see me hurting just as much as I do her; I decide to lay on the guilt.

 Raising myself out of my chair I cross the few feet that separate us, which, by the way she emotionally shrinks away from me, may as well be bridged by miles, ignoring the way she looks at me, pleading silently with me to please not do this, to please not make her feel.  Because if I make her acknowledge my own pain, it will render her totally unable to keep hiding her own; it’s emotional blackmail on my part and I am more than conscious that I am using our past history against her, our friendship, the fact that this woman will do just about anything to stop me hurting. But frankly it’s a means to an end and right now, desperation outweighs the guilt.

 Even as she goes rigid in her chair, she knows what’s coming and for a second, the expression on her face almost makes me falter; to simply return to my side of the office and just allow her to do what she thinks she needs to do.  Because she looks afraid suddenly, like an animal trapped in a cage, knowing that there is no means of escape, and if I weren’t so desperately worried about her I would hate myself for evoking such a heartbreaking response from her; for disregarding her barriers and getting right in to her personal space.

 Do I have a right? Probably not; but I do it anyway.

 And as I slide my palm against her neck, stroking a path along the sharp line of her jaw, to the softness of her cheek where I gently trace small circles with my thumb, begging her with my touch to please not do this; to not keep insisting she is fine when she patently isn’t, I literally see her start to come undone, as she fights an internal battle with herself to not break under my touch.  But despite her weak attempt, against her will, there is just the slightest returned pressure as she leans slightly in to my caress, craving the comfort that for so many reasons she won’t admit she needs.

 “Please Scully.” And this time my voice is soft, slightly wavering as I feel my eyes begin to burn. “Please just let me take you home.”

 She tries to drop her head then, to break eye contact, to hide the sudden tears that instantly film her eyes, ashamed and needing to hide them from me, hide them from herself even. But I maintain the pressure, refusing to allow her to withdraw from me this time; because I’m done, I’m done with this exhausting charade that we play out every damn day.  I can’t do it anymore.

 “Okay?”

 The first tear escapes it’s confines as she closes her eyes, slumping in her seat, all pretence just gone in a single ragged sigh that looks to almost rip her apart as I begin to find a way through the walls, rewarded by the almost imperceptible nod of her head and when she finally opens them again, she looks so tired; so damn tired of everything and everyone as the fight literally drains away from her, laying her bare before me, the vulnerability that she tries so hard to hide is now on show and I know she hates it; hates for me to see it because the Scully of even six months ago would go to any lengths to hide this part of her.  But that woman is no longer here; she hasn’t been here for a very long time and the realisation wants me to start punching my fists through the walls at the fucking raw injustice of it all. That this is happening to her; my partner of four years who has stood side by side with me through every horror imaginable and who, by her allegiance is now slowly losing herself in increments as this manufactured disease gathers pace; unstoppable, unfathomable and unthinkable in its cruelty.

 One of Scully’s hands slowly slides atop my own.  It feels cold and that fact alone sends a new jolt of worry ricocheting through my body because it’s a warm summer’s day.  She shouldn’t be cold; because cold means dying, cold means dead.

And finally, she nods.

Continued part 2