#it's just me and you and a small robot crew that serves us tea for two in the orbit of the moon

[angiepants]

reblog or reply with your love song. you know, the one that you think is what love sounds like

[elmidol]

Error: Program Not Found - Three

Summary:  You are in charge of programming the droids that work most closely with both General Hux and Kylo Ren. Unbeknownst to you, each of these two men have it in their heads that your relationship extends beyond the workplace. This causes things to escalate quickly when your two apparently secret boyfriends compare notes on their respective partner who is far too similar for their liking.

Read on AO3

“What greater gift than the love of a cat.” -Charles Dickens

Three: Suspicion

Handwritten notes were not common anymore, which meant that those who wrote them with such fluid legibility earned your immediate respect. There was a precision to the individual letters on the note that you had in your possession that, no matter its age, stood out on the yellowing paper. It was a note that had been from one of your instructors in grade school to your parents, and within the text was a recommendation that your interest in droids and coding be nurtured. At that young age, you had wanted to know more about those subjects, however how you had envisioned your future had been on a farm or mortuary. The latter had been discouraged by those around you, although you to this day did not know why. Not that you weren’t grateful seeing as how you did love your job. This past interest in mortuary work allowed you to better appreciate grim humor such as what Kylo Ren possessed. The note, meanwhile, was one that you kept whenever you asked yourself why you were there. Bad days happened to everyone. Mistakes occurred. It did not mean you had to quit.

 One of the maintenance leads had done an exemplary job of chewing you a new one upon discovering the extra work that was required to fix TeeArr. He placed the blame on you that the droid had been damaged to begin with. Your droid’s programming was flawed according to him. His opinion was similar with General Hux’s in that a freethinking droid had limited use. The point was to have assistance, not some friend.

 A slave, you thought with a sigh. It was not that you disagreed that some of the more robotic droids were not to be considered sentient. The training droids, for one, did not spark any emotional attachment in you. As for others, like TeeArr, it was different. Artificial Intelligence was intelligence all the same. Allowing for personalities to develop was not a means of you replacing the human race or any alien species. They were companions. Happy to complete tasks for their Makers and those that owned them. You were able to tell a lot about a person based on how they treated droids. That idea was paraphrased in the handwritten note that you had kept all these years. Being referred to as intellectual and kind together, that had touched you.

 The note was tucked away in the quarters that you had been given. Still, you conjured it up in your mind’s eye and reread the words that you had long since memorized. While doing so, you lifted the bland ration bar to your mouth, took a bite, and then washed it down with some extra strong caf.

 One of the maintenance crew was seated to your right. This young man’s company was much preferable to that of his superior. He spoke to you with the same respect he showed his peers. Very professional. This was the third time that you had worked with him, and you hoped to do so again in the near future. It was a request that you could put in with several First Order officers aside from General Hux. Captain Phasma and Kylo Ren were equally in a position where they could approve such a request. In terms of who was more apt to quickly approve or deny the request, that was the redhead. His sleeping schedule was, to your knowledge, horrid. The man drank extra tarine tea and caf to keep up a workload that would have long ago mentally broken others.

 Whether the request was approved or denied would influence your own schedule, as you had to work around your teams’s strengths and weaknesses on the various projects that you were assigned to. As a way of remaining professional while also being courteous, you asked the man if working with you on other projects was something that he considered desirable. He admitted to enjoying working alongside you, however would want to know more about the projects first. You chewed this over. Ran through what you could and could not tell him before speaking.

 “One of the projects I still need to officially propose for acceptance. I think you would excel on this project, so if I do get the greenlight on it, I’ll give you the details at that time.” He nodded. You could see a spark of intrigue in his eyes that reaffirmed your desire to have him work with you more. The project in question was the one you had unofficially proposed to Kylo Ren. Familiarity with maintenance on the training droids would translate well for him to work in such a role on the physical therapy droids. “Another project that I think you would do well with is one that I will be working on later today. For Millicent.”

 His lips quirked towards the sides as he contained a laugh. The noise that escaped him instead was something akin to clearing one’s throat. Most in the First Order that knew of Millicent’s existence marveled over how someone so work-oriented and normally cold like General Hux could be swayed by a tiny creature. He did not allow his care of her to interfere with his job. That was one of the reasons that you had been assigned to design and program droids that could ensure she was kept in the best health. There were plenty of droids on the market that tended to a feline’s basic needs of food and water. As for playing, those were hit or miss. There was no ‘one design fits all’ droid to serve as a companion for a cat. Cats had personalities of their own. The man beside you, Eddard, commented on this.

 “Precisely,” you said, flashing a tooth-filled grin. “She has to be kept in his quarters to prevent her from harm…” You snorted directly before adding, “Or harming others by distracting them from work. Plus we know how cats enjoy climbing into engines.”

 “Tucking themselves into ships. She’d hide in a TIE, I imagine,” Eddard said. He quirked a single eyebrow then bobbed his head from side to side. “I don’t suppose you have incorporated TIEs into your project for her?”

 “In what way?” you asked, growing intrigued. Eddard gave a wave of his hand as he replied. A small TIE that functioned similar to a training droid. The cat would be able to chase it for exercise. If its cockpit opened, depending on the size of the droid, it could double as a cat bed. “I hadn’t considered the cat bed.” It was a great addition to a design that you had started earlier in the week. You pulled up part of the blueprints on your datapad to show to the man. He leaned in for a better view. “The training droids are going to take a few cycles to complete between maintenance and programming. I’ll also do test runs at some of the strages. If you have nothing else of priority level on your schedule, I would love to bring you aboard.”

 “If you can get the approval, count me in.”

 You finished eating the ration bar and drank the remainder of your caf as you opened up a blank request form and started to fill it in. Eddard offered his badge number as well as other projects that were assigned to him, none of which would have conflicts. You included the specific project with Millicent on the form while noting your interest to have him regularly assigned to your team. Some technicians and maintenance workers his age dissuaded themselves from offering input to their superiors as this man had done. He had the right attitude and tone when speaking to you, which prevented him from sounding arrogant. You imagined his temperament would benefit him should he work with Millicent due to the cat’s territory being in General Hux’s quarters. Others clammed up when in the presence of the redhead. You liked to think that Eddard would not be too starstruck or intimidated where it interfered with his work.

 Returning to work on the training droids offered you a distraction while you waited for the General’s response to your request. The maintenance lead’s attitude had not improved with a meal. If anything, he was grumpier and shot you looks of displeasure when he outlined more flaws in the droids’s design. As though you had designed them. He might have been blaming you for allowing them to pass initial inspection. Either he ignored the notations in your report regarding their shortcomings, or he hadn’t bothered to read the report at all. Whichever was the case, it spoke more to his character than it did yours. If your work had truly been so poor, General Hux or Kylo Ren would have let you know it. It would be no professional courtesy for them to not. On the contrary, it would be a disservice.

 The ability to tune out unwanted commotion was a skill you had obtained rather early in your career. This stemmed from the noises droids made alongside the light hum of functioning consoles. Not to mention fingers flying over virtual and physical keyboards during the programming phases of a project. Smaller bases had a tendency to cramp multiple programmers together regardless of whether or not they were working on the same project. Since beginning work for General Hux, you had not been forced to endure that unpleasantness.

 Just the occasional blisters on my foot.

 To say that you were looking forward to the lotion that he had ordered you was an understatement. On top of that, you had received a message from the man not too long before meal break stating that he had slippers provided for you in his quarters while you worked with Millicent. That, along with no longer being near the grumpy maintenance lead, had you counting down the minutes until you moved on to that project.

 As predicted, the response to your request arrived before long. You had heard the chime on your datapad signifying a message, however ignored it for a good twenty minutes so as to not disturb your rhythm while fully recoding one of the programs in the droids. The previous version had been more flawed than you had initially believed; a recording from the training area showed that the delay in the droids’s response time was erroneously logged as being quicker. It was no wonder these things were scrap. Cutting corners should not have resulted in these issues, or so you liked to believe. Granted, what remained was no less positive. That a programmer was poor at their job, or that they didn’t care if lives were lost. You thought back to the morbid joke that Kylo Ren had made in regards to the physical therapy droids praising a patient as they bled out. It was a realistic possibility with the wrong programming.

 The reply to the request had been favorable to you. Eddard would be given a probationary position with you for the project with Millicent. Any work he did would have to be approved by a senior member of maintenance. Just as with humans, a cat could easily be injured or even killed by a droid mishap. General Hux cared too much for Millicent to allow that to happen, and his terms were ones that you yourself would have made had the roles been reversed.

 Eddard walked along beside you from the training area to General Hux’s quarters. There was not much chance for proper dialogue, this mostly due to the two of you wishing to bring up visuals for the project. He did release a thoughtful hmm when you were immediately permitted entry. The clearance cylinder required would not have been given out to many. Thus Eddard was taking a second to appreciate the level of trust that was placed in you by those running the First Order. General Hux in particular was distrustful of others. He normally had a guard at his door no matter the ship or base he was located on.

 You kicked off your shoes after you were inside the door and before it had slid closed behind Eddard. The slippers that General Hux had mentioned were to the right of the doorway, and they were just as comfortable as you had imagined they would be. Their presence earned another noise of interest from Eddard. You snorted in response to him, shaking your head and smiling. You pointed down at one of the blisters that had started to form from your heels. The man gave an expression of sympathy then verbally pushed that it was still surprising. You shrugged off his words despite a voice nagging at you that the impression others had was important. An outsider could see more in a relationship sometimes than those involved, things the parties were blinded to. They also, you argued, read too much into things at times and spoiled what had once been good. The good working relationship that you had with General Hux was not something to be ruined.

 “Millicent, pssp, pssp, pssp,” you said, squatting down and snapping your fingers to coax the small tabby feline out from wherever she might be hiding. If she did not come immediately, there was a list of three locations that she frequented. Two of them she utilized for sleep. The third was a hiding spot when she could smell strangers. You repeated her name, this time a little more loudly. A tiny mew issued from her preferred hiding place.

 The tabby slipped out from underneath the couch. She stopped when she saw Eddard. Sat down with her tail curled around her body, ducked her shoulders as she readied herself to flee if he made a sudden move. You inched forward at a slow pace to prevent any movement that would put her more on edge. Millicent ducked her head, but she remained where she was and allowed you to scoop her up into your hands. You stood, turned around, and walked over to Eddard.

 The maintenance worker peered down at the cat that you were cradling. “He places a lot of trust in you, allowing you to come into his quarters unsupervised.” Eddard gave a nod towards the cat. “Letting you see what makes him, well, more human.”

 You drew Millicent closer to your body. Swiped a thumb back and forth, scratching her in a way that had her purring. “I’ve proven myself with the work that I do. Many of the projects place me in close proximity to General Hux, so he knows that I would never harm little Millicent here. Besides,” you started with an amused smirk, “he has surveillance.” Eddard startled at those words. The man twisted to look around the room for cameras. “Come on. General Hux’s orders stand: the blueprints must be completed before the cycle ends. He wants to review them before construction begins.”

[crypidwarlock]

Dr. Hide, The Mechanisms, and a New friend.

The story of Dr. Marie Hide, Her small crew, and how they all met. The Story of my Mechsona crew.

Warnings-death, Poison, ask to tag.

Dr. Marie Hide was raised on stories of the Mechanisms. She would sit and listen to her great grandmother telling tales of a Man of copper singing tales of the past, tales of a man with a heart of metal being passed a baby and panicking, of Women with Wings or Minds of metal. 

She fell in love with the tales from the stars,and no matter how many times she was told to stay planetside for her own safely, she would look to the stars, the old warped disks her Great Grandma left her playing. The singers voice haunting as they told their one man audience the tales of Gunpowder Tim and Ashes O’Reilly. 

So, it wasn't much a surprise to herself or her family when she became an Engineer, and a Doctor, and a Pilot. and She headed off to the stars, gathering her own tales to be told. 

And then she found it. A very old file, something that took months upon months to update and break through all the passwords and safeguards to get at whatever was hiding in the file. and boy was it something.

A very old file, full of things written and made by the Mechanisms, Not the ones who her Great Grandma told her about, the ones whose voices filled Dr. Hide’s speakers when she was alone in the engine room, but the real ones. The immortals from all over the stars who played deadly pranks and who held a mini war over something called an Octo Kitten. Whatever the hell that was. All written by Dr. Carmilla and Raphaella La Cognizi.

But the most exciting thing, was the blueprints and instructions for Mechanization, Immortality developed by the Doctor.

It wasn't a hard decision for Her to make. She already couldn't walk, what was the worst thing that could happen. But first, she would need someone to do the procedure, since she really didn't want to be conceness for her legs to be cut off and guts scooped out.

So she built Jekyll. It was programed with hundreds of medical procedures, as well as what they’d need to do the whole mechanization process, if lacking in preprogrammed personality. 

So waking up with the ability to walk was interesting, and the first thing she got to do with her new skill was clumsy run and steal a ship with her unemoting companion.

The pair wandered, gathering more stories of their own, both ones they were involved in, and not always in their little junker ship, nicknamed “Borealis”.

Borealis tended to break down, stutter and never quiet be as safe as it should, but for a new immortal and her Robot companion, whose personality was only just starting to develop. It was home, if barely big enough.

When they landed on Pistil, Dr. Hide had only planned to make a fuel stop, until she heard from one of the local merchants that a warlord was making quick work of the planet, maybe she had extended her stay for a few....years, much to jekyll’s chagrin.

and She really wasn't expecting to find someone with her legs injured beyond belief. She was face down in the dirt, long grey-blue hair splayed out in long loose curls, her legs down to bone and blood.  

so Hide brought her back to the makeshift lab. Patching up the mysterious woman was easy enough, however, waiting for her to return to the waking world was a nightmare.

When she did, she cried, scared and alone. Now, the good Doctor is not really savvy with emotions, so having a panicking, sobbing, stranger on her table, was not her ideal situation. To make everything so much better, Jekyll had just walked in, and stood staring with its lack of eyes.

“Jek, now is not a good time.” She had hissed, rubbing the back of the woman.

“The Police are here.” It had said.

“fucking hell.” Dr. Hide had shoo’d the police away, who simply wanted to know who lived at the house. When she had returned, the woman had calmed down, and was wiping her tears away with a cloth given to her by jekyll.

She had introduced herself as Carcei Wisteria, the teamaid of Emperor Ivalace. Dr. Hide didn’t quite know what that meant, but was happy enough to support her.

Carcie was on her way to get a very specific flower to make tea with. something that would be VERY HARD WITHOUT HER FEET. So Hide offered her help, Pulling out her old wheelchair and offering her help carrying the flowers and seeds back to her home.

Carcie had (Reluctantly) accepted her offer, and the pair took a three month journey to find these flowers, a gorgeous plant nicknamed “Selene's Prayer”.  

For months after meeting and befriending the woman, someone Hide quickly grew to admire for her silver tongue and for her sharp mind, Hide would not know why Carcie wanted Selene’s Prayer, until one night, late in Pistil’s seasonal cycle, when plants dried and what chill that constituted Pistil’s winters was just beginning to set in, gathered over warm tea and surrounded by the smell of drying earth and burning silverwood, Carcie wove her tale.

Carcie Wisteria had been born Carcie Forsythia, and had trained under a noble of Dandil, the once name of the kingdom before it became territory of Peat. She had quickly became a gift to the Empress, Magnola, and even quicker became her High Teamaid, a position of high honour and status.

Magnola was apparently fond of Carcie, and often took her to peace talks and trade negotiations. Which is how she met them, a otherworldly seeming person who chose their name as Odyssey Velium.

Odyssey was tall, dark, freckled, with short dark red hair and smoky violet eyes that shone like a sunset. They was a similarly high ranked dressmaid to the former Emperor of Peat, a kindly older man by the name of Prairifire and one of Dandil’s strongest Allies. Carcie fell in love near instantly, and apparently Odyssey felt the same way, and the pair began a whirlwind relationship over letters. 

The years went on, the pair only seeing each other in person when Empress Magnola and Emperor Prairifire met up for tea, their love affair remained a secret. until one of the more Enterprising Teamaids discovered Carcie’s letters from Odyssey, and outed her relationship to both rulers. 

The pair believed themselves to only had a few hours together before their verdict handed out and they would be separated. 

and they were given their rulers blessings to be wed.

Odyssey was gifted to Magnola as a dressmaid, and they were engaged, choosing their family name to be Wisteria.

A few months passed, the kingdoms Alliship stronger than ever, before Emperor Prairifire died,and his War mongering son took the throne, and a new treaty needed to be written up.

Carcie just happen to be late to the Congress, her maids having made a near unrecoverable mistake with the petals, and she arrived just in time to see her Queen, her court, and her never to be partner slaughtered.

As was customary, she was taken as a prize, and made to serve her loves killer the same tea she would to her queen, as he took over the land she loved.

The petals of Selene’s Prayer, it turns out, were a horrific paralysis agent, as well as a hallucinogen. and a strong one. When mixed with the right Poisons, it would lead to a painful and terrifying death. One Carcie intended to give to the entire court as she watched.

Hide had only one thing to say after that.

“after the revenge, what will you do?“

“Probably be put to death, why?”

“wanna join my semi-immortal band of space pirates exploring the galaxy?” When Carcie said nothing, Hide continued, “i could just replace your feet with a mechanism like my lower body and Bam! Unkillable!”

“your kidding.”

“nope!” To demonstrate, Hide put a knife through her hand, and then showed the skin kniting itself back together.

“holy shit your not kidding?” Carcie puffed up “WHY DIDN'T YOU DO THAT WHEN WE FIRST MET!”

“DO YOU WANT BE STUCK LIVING WITH SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T ASK TO BE IMMORTAL AND IS ANGRY WITH YOU FOR ETERNITY? I'D FEEL SO GUILTY! plus it kinda hurts for a few weeks after”

the pair laughed.

“Mari,” Carcie said, 

“Oh wow, using my first name! this is serious.”

“Mari.” Carice narrowed her eyes, “I want you to promise me something if i go through with this.”

“ok?”

“Promise me we’ll steal a bigger ship than Borealis after my revenge.”

“HELL YES!” Hide laughed, “so when is this going down?”

“Tomorrow.” Carice said,carefulling sipping her tea as Hide suddenly choked,

“TOMORROW SHIT I GOTTA GET A GOOD SEAT!” Hide threw a hug around Carcies shoulders, “Can't wait to see your magnum opus of vengeance, if Jekyll asks i'm following my family's footsteps!”  

“see ya Hide!”

 Sunrise came, and Carcie got to work. She dismissed her Teamaids for the day (”you’ve all worked so hard lately, and you deserve a break!”), and set to work brewing her poison. 

When the court downed the tea, the poison took quick. The paralysis only took hold of a few but the hallucinations were strong and maddening and within hours, the branches of the meeting hall were covered in madness and gore and horror. And standing in the middle, survivors would later say, stood Carcie, her mourning veil cloaking hazel eyes that had long hardened to earth and moss.

and dropping from an over head branch, was Hide, casting impressed eyes over her work.

“Were grabbing more of those seeds right?”

“mhm.”

“were taking all of your seeds aren't we?” 

“and the dry flowers.”

“sounds good!”

----------

WOO! That was fun! 

If you have any questions about my Crew, please ask! My ask box is open and Id love to gush or expand on the universe. also ask me to tag

[solarwindandcosmicash]

operation: congratulations, it’s stabby mcwarhammer

Absent: Kate’s player

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The party convinces the crew of the Apricity that a Roomba with a knife and a warhammer taped to it is a good idea. That’s it. No, really.

summary

The goal is simple: convince the crew of the Apricity - and, therefore, the DM - that acquiring a space Roomba and attaching a knife and warhammer to it is a good decision. To do so, the party must speak individually to each crew member, pitch the idea, and persuade them to their side. They have exactly one hour to do so. In order:

Annos tells the party he will back their idea - so long as the rest of the crew is on board with it first. When the party returns to him with full approval, he reluctantly signs off on the idea and gives them the go-ahead.

Telissa agrees without any persuasion, mostly because she thinks it would be hilarious.

Kara agrees without any persuasion; Cat agrees after some persuasion, and Bea and Ann are convinced after the Roomba’s downgrade and upon learning that all quarians were fine with it.

Irène agrees on the condition that the Roomba not be allowed in Engineering or the battery.

Rela agrees to the idea immediately, fondly reminiscing about a similar pet they had on a previous ship she’d served on. Suella is more hesitant, though she is persuaded after the Roomba’s downgrade and upon learning that all quarians on board were fine with it.

Advika agrees without too much persuasion, mostly because she, like Telissa, thinks it would be hilarious. Fawkes sides with her, and Fausius, seeing he is outnumbered, reluctantly agrees as well.

Isolde agrees without hearing the full pitch. In her words, so long as she doesn’t have to pay for it, she doesn’t give a shit.

Aster is highly skeptical and only agrees after the Roomba’s downgrade and upon learning all quarians were fine with the idea. Even then, he is distrustful and dreads the Roomba’s arrival.

Elaye agrees only after Tris negotiates the Roomba’s downgrade from real knife and warhammer to plastic knife and no warhammer, as does Tris herself.

Upon conclusion of the hour, the party had successfully convinced every crewmember on the ship, and a space Roomba would be acquired sometime in the future.

notable lines + interactions

Phos: Anus! What’s up. Annos: That’s not my name. Phos: Wait. I said it wrong again. Annos: You did. Phos: Yep. Beetle: Hey, Assman. Annos: That’s also not my name. Beetle: What is your name, then? You could’ve told us at some point. Annos: Annos. What do you want?

Beetle: It’s a tradition on some turian ships to have a kind of team pet, and then, uh, it’s a space Roomba! DM: Roll deception, because I don’t think that’s a tradition on turian ships.

Annos: Okay... so, a space Roomba. What exactly is a space Roomba? Phos: Well, someone I knew once told me that they’re a low, uh, easy to take care of pet - DM: [disbelieving laughter] Phos: It’s a machine, it doesn’t have AI or anything, it just moves around and apparently it’s very entertaining. Beetle: Yes, yes. Annos: Okay, and why should I - Phos: And it cleans the floor! It cleans the floor.

in discord Vasir: vasir is just standing there with this expression

Vasir: im losing my mind premptively Vasir: @ what the chens are gonna say

Phos: We have this thing we kind of want to play out, uh, like, it’s a machine, but it, uh - Telissa: Uh-huh. Phos: It’s a - it’s a cleaning robot, it’s called a Roomba, it - Beetle: Telissa. Phos: We want to get the rest of the ship on board before we, uh - Beetle: Telissa. Telissa: What, Beetle. What? Beetle: We want to tape a knife to it - Telissa: I’m in. I don’t even know what it is, I’m in. Phos: It’s a robot about ankle high, and it - Telissa: Yes, good. This seems like a good idea. Nothing will - absolutely nothing will go wrong. I’m in.

Beetle: We’re buddies. Telissa: I wasn’t aware we stopped being buddies. Beetle: We continue.

Vasir: I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. Beetle: You look like your soul is trying to ascend.

Vasir: Alright, Beetle and Vekar seem to know engineering well enough, so don’t ask me for help to balance a frickin’ warhammer on a tiny robot. Phos: It’ll be fine, it’s - Beetle: How did you know about the warhammer. DM: Oh my god. Vasir: I can guess from how you act. Give me that much credit, Beetle.

Beetle: Let me propose this. Concept: pet. Cat: Doing good. Beetle: Knife. Cat: ... Not... so good? Carry on. Beetle: Cleaning floors. Cleans. Floor. Cat: That’s - that’s not really appealing either way, but. Carry on. Phos: And some VI or something to make it funny. Cat: What are - what’re you suggesting, are you suggesting, like, a cat, or - Beetle: Space Roomba. Cat: A - oh. Like... Stabby?

Kara: Actually, I think this could be kind of good. It’s like training, you get cut if you’re not paying attention. Phos: Oooooh, I like that idea. I like that idea very much. Vasir: Says the krogan with the heavy armor. I see how it is, Phos.

Bea: Who’s in charge of that? Who is on space Roomba duty?

in discord Vekar: is this charades? Vasir: TRYING SO HARD NOT OT BREAK CHARACTER LAUGHING Vasir: im absolutely crying and not surprised Vekar: this is incredible

Phos: Okay. We have - the greatest idea. Beetle: Life-changing. Phos: We have this idea to have this small vacuumer with a knife and a warhammer on it. Think of it like - Beetle: It cleans the floor and improves dodging. Phos: - a cleaning service and exercise. Irène: It seems counter-intuitive to have a vacuum with a knife and a warhammer on it. How would you use it?

Vekar: Don’t worry. Someone will put a cushion on top of the warhammer. DM, under her breath: Oh my god.

Beetle: Maybe the knife can be vertical. Vekar: Let’s just put a plastic knife.

Beetle: Could you sign this paper? DM: Where did you get this - this is the DM asking you, where did you get this paper? Beetle: I don’t fucking know. Vekar: I gave her the orders of teas from back then. DM, laughing in disbelief: Oh my god. Beetle: I got it from Delta’s tea shop.

Beetle: Do you really think I’m going to plan ahead? Think again!

Phos: Take the wheel, Beetle! Beetle: Okay! I’m taking the wheel!

Beetle, OOC: Does Beetle know about Phos screaming earlier? DM: Yes. Everyone knows about Phos screaming earlier. Phos, OOC: Eesh.

Beetle: It will improve [Phos’s] dodging or increase her pain tolerance. Here’s my proposal: a space Roomba. With a knife. Rela: Oh! We used to have those on my old ship that I served on! Except it was a real knife. And you had to step over it. But that’s okay.

Suella: I can’t recommend this course of action. Especially with a crew like this - more likely than not, they’ll be startled and destroy it. [long pause] Phos: Well, we can - Beetle, while Phos is still talking: I’ll kill them. Suella, while Phos is still talking: If you kill them, I have to kill you. That’s just how it goes. Beetle, while Phos is still talking: You know what, that’s fine. I understand. Phos: - put a cushion on the warhammer, or -

Phos: Have you ever seen Annos surprised at all? Suella: Yes. Phos: What?

Beetle: I am willing to place money into an insurance pool for quarian suits. Vasir: Really, Beetle. I am very skeptical of your altruism.

Beetle: I just really want Stabby McWarhammer. I’m not gonna lie.

Beetle: I have a little proposal for you. Advika: That can’t be good. Phos: But listen - it’s fucking great. Advika: Uh-huh. Beetle: Okay, get ready. DM: They are very unimpressed with you. Fausius, especially. Beetle: Um... space Roomba. DM: When you say that, Advika just - she just starts laughing really quietly at first, and it gets progressively louder, and Fawkes just looks despondent, like - oh my god, why. And then Fausius says, uh - Fausius: We had one of those on my old ship, and it was a piece of shit. What model would you be getting, if you actually do this? Vasir: I don’t think they fought that far. Vekar: They thought about weaponizing it with a knife and a warhammer, so probably a good one? Fausius: I didn’t even know they could carry a warhammer. Those things are heavy. Beetle: We’re going to find out. It’s a scientific expedition.

Fausius: First of all, we have stairs. So, what, you’re just gonna - plant it somewhere? Vekar: We’re going to give it jetpacks. Fausius: You’re absolutely not going to give it jetpacks. Vasir: Vekar, the day a Roomba gets a jetpack before me is the day I’ll shoot you. Shut up. That’s a terrible idea. Vekar: Fuck, okay, we’ll get you a jetpack and then the Roomba a jetpack, then. Vasir: That sounds better.

Advika: As long as it doesn’t get into maintenance, I am perfectly cool with this. Fausius: You know that if it damages anything, not just maintenance, you and Fawkes will have to fix it. Advika: Yeah? So what?

Phos: Gotta uphold that turian tradition! Fausius: It’s a shitty tradition, but - sure.

Advika: Yeah, you guys can stop talking to us now. Off you go. Phos: Yeah, sure, okay. Advika: Bye. Beetle: Bye. I see how it is.

DM: So I can do two separate conversations, one at a time - Vasir, OOC: You don’t have to, [DM]. You can just say I’m talking to Aster. DM: Cool! Let’s say you have a very intellectual and enlightening conversation about star charts. Beetle: Nice - DM: Phos and Beetle, what’re you up to? Phos, OOC: And Vekar. Don’t exclude Vekar, he’s been doing shenanigans - DM: I’m so sorry, I’m sorry, Vekar hasn’t been talking much, that was my bad, I’m so sorry, [Vekar’s player]. Vekar, OOC: It’s fine. DM: What are Vekar, Phos, and Beetle up to?

Beetle: So... have you heard of space Roombas? Isolde, after a long pause: No, but I’m intrigued by the way you said that. Beetle: Yes. Good. You’ve heard of - Phos: Imagine: a tiny cleaner, with a knife. Beetle: Yes. Mm-hm. Isolde: As long as I’m not paying for it, I don’t give a shit.

DM: So, like, with one hand Isolde is signing the petition, and with the other she’s giving you a high five, Phos. Phos: Yes.

Beetle: Thank you for your signature. Pleasure doing business, question mark? Isolde: Oh, if we’re doing business - I should’ve asked you pay me, then. Go on. Beetle: Dang it. I should’ve asked you to pay me first. Power move. Isolde: Uh-huh.

Beetle: Hey, Aster. Aster: Yes, Beetle? Beetle: So, uh, I’ve been looking at some space Roombas lately. Some good vacuum boys. Aster, exasperated: Of course you have. Vasir: That’s how I feel, Aster.

Aster: Well, I’m sure, but are you going to figure it out before you break it? Beetle: I’m sure there’s someone on this team with high Mechanical, so. DM, under her breath: Oh my god.

Aster: So just to be clear - you’ve run this by Annos, and you’re going to tape a real fucking knife to this thing, and a real fucking warhammer. Beetle, slowly: Yeesssss. Aster: You realize we have stairs, right?

Aster: You better have a very good argument to back this up. Beetle: Uh, yes, I’ll have a very good argument to back this up iiiiiiin a few minutes. Aster: Take your time.

Aster: I don’t want to deal with a fucking space Roomba clawing at my ankles all the time.

Beetle: We tape a gun to it. Aster: Hey, that’s a really bad idea. This conversation is over. Beetle: No! It’s not even loaded! Aster: Nope, sorry, conversation over, go talk to someone else. Party: [long pause, then hysterical laughter for seven seconds]

in discord Vekar: well things took a turn for the weird

Beetle: I’ve run out of pitches for this thing.

Beetle: And if anyone gets into the ship, it’ll take ‘em by surprise! Elaye: I don’t think anyone would be taken by surprise by a fucking space Roomba with a knife taped to it. - Sure, whatever. As long as it doesn’t get into the helm, I don’t give a shit.

Phos: What is it about this that doesn’t appeal to you? Tris: Hm, I don’t know, maybe a fucking robot with a knife at ankle level that can sneak up on me or something like that and cut my suit open or something? No.

Phos: What about a warhammer? Tris: Ahaha! No. Beetle: What about a gun? Tris: Why the hell would you put a gun on a space Roomba? That’s a waste of a good gun. Beetle: Yeah, that’s true. Phos, OOC: I can’t breathe. God. What is this even?

Phos: What if I said all the quarians had signed off on this? Aster: I’m going to need to hear a hard yes from Vasir before I do anything. Vasir: Oh, keelah.

Vasir: I’m honestly surprised you even did that. Phos: [defensive rambling about the Roomba] Beetle: Vasir, you are a valued member of this team and we respect you - Phos: [more defensive rambling about the Roomba]

Vasir, OOC: Vasir just kind of stares at the floor and mutters under their breath quietly. Phos: Oh, dear.

Phos, OOC: I try to high-five Vasir. Are they feeling it? Vasir, OOC: Vasir returns it with the least amount of enthusiasm possible. Beetle, OOC: Beetle dabs.

Beetle: Vasir. Want to sign my petition? Vasir, sounding dead inside: My verbal approval isn’t enough for you people, apparently. Beetle: [laughter] DM: You also haven’t signed this petition, Beetle, Phos, or Vekar, so I don’t know what you’re doing here. Beetle, OOC: Oh, crap, you’re right. Beetle signs the petition. Phos, OOC: Phos signs the petition. Vasir: Clearly none of you have ever done paperwork.

DM: You guys go to the lower deck, uh, and you go to Engineering, and Cat’s like - Cat, singsong: Oh, look, they’re back for more! DM: And Bea just kind of like, groans.

Beetle: Stabby McWarhammer has been nerfed! Chen: That’s good. To what? Beetle: To plastic knife and no warhammer. Chen: Alright, that’s cool with me. Kara: Aw, are you serious? That’s not even a threat anymore! Beetle: I know, right? Phos: It’s still a surprise. Kara: There’s a cat in Engineering, I - okay, whatever. Phos: What if the cat rides on the Roomba? Cat: I would take so many pictures.

DM: Annos sees you coming, and he sees the paper in your hands, and you can just see him go like, “Oh, god,” uh, just like, visually in his face. What do you do?

Phos: We made some compromises, uh, we - Beetle: We made some political promises. Annos: So that means you’re not going to keep them, is that what I’m hearing? Beetle: No, we’re gonna keep them. Phos: We’re gonna keep them.

Annos: Okay, then I guess we’re getting a fucking space Roomba. DM: And he kind of looks off into the distance, like, “What has my life become?” Phos: To be honest, every person in this group is probably asking themselves that every five seconds. Vasir: [laughter]

Beetle: One IOU for a favor. Annos: Sure. Favors are always good.

technical notes

The DM starts a timer. Sixty minutes and counting.

Beetle convinces Annos it’s a turian tradition to have pets on ships. Deception roll. 1d20 + knowledge modifier → 17 + 1 → 18 Annos is still a little leery of whether that knowledge is true or not, but accepts it, at least for now.

Phos and Beetle persuade Annos to let them acquire a Roomba. Persuasion roll. 1d20 + knowledge modifier. Phos → 13, Beetle → 15

Annos contests. 1d20 + knowledge modifier → 12 + 2 → 14

Annos agrees to allow a Roomba on the condition that Fausius, who is apparently in charge of cleaning, gives the go-ahead.

Telissa agrees that a space Roomba is a good idea. (1/16)

Phos and Beetle persuade the Chens that a Roomba is a good idea. Persuasion roll. 3d20 + knowledge modifier → 12 + 0 → 12, 20 + 1 → 21, 12 + 1 → 13 Cat is convinced. Bea and Ann are not.

Cat and Kara agree that a space Roomba is a good idea. (3/16)

Irène agrees that a space Roomba is a good idea. (4/16)

Rela agrees that a space Roomba is a good idea. (5/16)

Advika, Fawkes, and Fausius agree that a space Roomba is a good idea. (8/16)

Isolde agrees that a space Roomba is a good idea. (9/16)

Phos, Vekar, and Beetle convince Aster that Annos is on board with having a Roomba. Deception roll. 1d20 + knowledge modifier. Vekar → 22, Phos → 16, Beetle → 9

Aster contests. 1d20 + knowledge modifier → 19 + 4 → 23

Aster doesn’t believe the three of them for a second.

The party downgrades Stabby from a real knife to a plastic one. “If there’s a warhammer, I’m literally going to shoot it.” - Tris’Coeur

Elaye and Tris agree that a space Roomba is a good idea. (11/16)

Aster clarifies that the party has downgraded the space Roomba’s weaponry. “To be clear, you will put nothing on this Roomba except a plastic knife.” - Aster

Aster agrees that a space Roomba is a good idea. (12/16)

Suella agrees the space Roomba is a good idea. (13/16)

Ann and Bea agree the space Roomba is a good idea. (15/16)

Annos agrees the space Roomba is a good idea. (16/16)

The DM stops the timer. Two minutes and forty-one seconds remaining. Not bad, team crithit.

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