#it's just so fascinating and one of my favorite internal conflicts...I can't wait to see the resolution

[fromtheseventhhell]

Do you ever think about how Arya being left-handed most likely had an impact on her needlework and other tasks? And how she needed special attention not only because she wasn't as naturally gifted as her sister but because the way she was being taught fundamentally didn't work for her? And how instead of being given the attention she needed she was instead held to an unfair standard by her teacher and used as a measure for bad behavior? And how this all impacted her self-esteem and her views on being a Lady?

[benjineedssleep]

👋 7 and 11 for the "get to know your fic writer" asks, please!

ohhh these are solid ones. can't believe i actually have answers though LOLOL

here's the og post if anyone else wants to join in on the sillies -> Get to know your fic writer! if you were tagged, question 11 was asking for fic recs and ily <3

7. How do you choose which POV to write from?

it comes to me in a vision /hj

no but in all seriousness when i come up with ideas for any kind of story (drabble, one shot, short fic, long fic, doesn't matter) they kind of come with a built in pov. i don't think there's ever been a time when i've struggled to come up with a character who i want to tell the story. i think a part of this has to do with the fact some semblance of conflict comes prepackaged with my ideas and conflict is always tied to a person for me.

like with my current short fic, the premise was always that sam was to have a struggle with the reality of being alone in x amount of time because i see sam as a very family/community oriented person. so i guess in this instance you can say my pov choices not only stem from the story idea itself, but the idea stems from some core aspect of a character and their personality.

does that make any sense? i hope it does D:

11. Link your three favorite fics right now.

the sambastian brainrot is actually insane however:

You've Really Got Me by softwisp

this fic is genuinely one of the most well written and captivating fics i've read in a long fucking time. it's also so fascinating because it's written in this super internal monologue-y stream of consciousness way that i've literally never seen before.

please note this fic is sexually explicit tho lmao

The Sunshine of Your Smile by Andrea_P_Quintell

this fucking fic ALTERED MY BRAIN CHEMISTRY. i remember reading this and texting my friend at the speed of LIGHT when i finished. i think about it now and then and honestly it's due for a reread. also finding out @shortysus4 wrote this has me *slamming fist on table* /pos y'all are so mf-ing talented holy shit--

Frog Rock by wheneveryouwantto

this was the fic that converted me to the sambastian religion. i don't even know how i started shipping them i just know i read this and something in me went "wait a goddamn minute", saw the possibilities, and went insane. and it's not even like it was the first sdv/sambastian fic i ever read. there were others but this was the fic that flipped the switch. @superpyodan i'm looking at you and i'm bowing LMFAO

YOU ALSO GET BONUSES

i've been low key invested in the little snippets of @superpyodan's oc (kenny) x alex fic and @eemamminy-art's oc (mallory) x alex fic that they both post. i haven't committed to the fics themselves just yet HOWEVER i can say both of their ocs live rent free in my head. one day i will have the mentals to pick up the fics but for now they're bonuses for straight vibes alone XD

also if you're tagged here and had absolutely no idea i fucked with your writing that hard i am SO SORRY-- i've been a lurker for 4 months and only started showing my face like a month ago wahhhh D:

[timtimtara]

Finished my first watch of the live action Avatar The Last Airbender series. I'm definitely going to be watching this a few times.

Initial thoughts after the season 1 finale is that I'm impressed by the level of love shown to the original series. The changes they made to the story for it to translate to 8 live action episodes weren't that bad. I tried to stay away from all the fan grumblings about this series so I wouldn't be looking for faults and I'm glad I did. I was able to see it without someone else's opinions clouding my judgment.

I liked that we got to see more of Azula's descent into madness. Ozai really was a horrible parent on top of being a garbage human being. I think the live action really highlighted just how horribly Azula was treated by Ozai and just how young she really is to have to deal with his mindgames. She really had absolutely zero positive support under Ozai's influence.

I enjoyed the additional focus on the past Avatars outside of Roku in this one. Kyoshi and Kuruk are such fascinating characters on their own. I look forward to seeing more of them in future seasons.

The casting on this series was really well done. The younger cast especially was delightful in their joy. They really hammered home just how overwhelmed they felt becoming child soldiers in a madman's war.

Gordon Cormier as Aang did really well depicting Aang's heartbreak and loneliness as the last of the Airbenders. Aang as a character has always been about the tragedy of being the last and how one learns to be hopeful on the face of that tragedy. His Aang really made me think about how much he struggles being the sole source of Air Nomad culture and he's 12, so there's so much he just doesnt know or experienced. I look forward to seeing how his Aang grows into his role as the Avatar.

Kiawentiio Tarbell as Katara just made me love her so much. Katara has always been one of my favorites because she's so determined and hopeful about life. I loved seeing a Katara who was just learning how to be herself, learning her powers, and just being a badass by holding her own against the forces that wanted her to be less than herself. She's gonna be amazing when she comes into her own. I can't wait to see it.

Sokka, my beloved. What can I say that isn't just me gushing about how much I love him and relate to his struggles as the elder sibling with so much responsibility on his shoulders. Sokka is the character that makes the world of Avatar so relatable. So thank you Ian Ousley for being a Sokka that showed him at his most loveable and hard headed and self doubting and annoying and absolutely the bravest warrior of the Southern Water Tribe. Ousley's Sokka is a gift, imo. He understood where Sokka's determination comes from and he did a great job depicting everything that makes Sokka who he is. Even when he's being an annoying little shit, he's just so...Sokka. I need more Sokka in my life, is all I'm saying.

Zuko. My goodness, Zuko. Dallas Liu is a phenomenal Zuko. He embodied the determination and internal conflict that is Zuko so well. And he remembered to be funny! Zuko is such a moody little teenager trying to be a strong leader and Liu did such a good job at showing all aspects of Zuko's character. And his relationship with Iroh!

Omg, Iroh, you break my heart. Paul Sun-Hyung Lee was the perfect Uncle Iroh. He was the elder statesman who'd seen too much war and had lost too much in it. I felt like you could see how much he regretted his lack of empathy for the people his nation warred against until it was too late. He's a man who has many regrets in his life and trying to guide his nephew towards being the Fire Lord the world needs is the one small thing he can do to make up for his mistakes. Also, I didn't realize hearing "Leaves from the Vine" would have me legit crying each time they played it. Well played Netflix, well played.

Which brings me to the music. Thank you for keeping the iconic background music because this series wouldn't have been what it is without those audio beats. The music of Avatar is what makes so many of the dramatic moments what they are. The Avatar theme song has always given me chills and they used it really well here.

There were only a few points that I didn't think were well dome, but in the overall story that we got told, they weren't that distracting. I'm sure I'll have some grumblings I'll share as I do rewatches.

[blacknedsoul-blog]

Now I finally had time to sit down, read this wonderful answer, and chew on it properly. Thanks to you! I didn't expect such an interesting analysis of such a silly thing.

Where to start.

Since you're absolutely right about the whole first part, I want to dig a little deeper into the scene where Lenore calls Annabel a "damn liar". This is one of my favorite scenes in the comic.

The reason is that it has huge implications for both of them: it establishes Annabel as someone who, once she looks like a cornered animal, believes that nipping things in the bud is the best option. Lenore has clung to her in desperation, asking her to come back, telling her she'll be waiting for her. Annabel knows that is not possible, so she changes tactics completely: she tries to make Lenore hate her, to trade affection for resentment. She hopes that Lenore will believe her, chew on her hatred, and eventually stop thinking about her.

But, as you rightly point out, Lenore sees through her bullshit. And I think that's not only fascinating on a character-building level, but it ultimately lays the groundwork for their divorce: Lenore has seen that Annabel would rather be hated and seen as a villain than let her suffer for her absence, even though that relationship is something that made her so happy. Trust the Annabel of her memories. And that's not the same girl she's dealing with now.

Before moving on to more interesting things: I tend to say that Lenore is afraid of abandonment because of the scene where she hugs Annabel and begs her not to leave ("What am I supposed to do without you? Go back to the attic?") and the absolute panic she seems to have when the Deans inform her that Duke is going back to where he is at the end of the night. Also, all of her monologues are externalized onto someone else -usually Annabel- as if Lenore can't talk to herself (which is normal, after spending so much time in her own head, the poor girl must have serious trouble internalizing her emotions in a way that's comfortable for her). And I would add PSTD to the list of things that are so well done that you could almost be diagnosed with it.

As for what Annabel did to Duke, I'd raise the stakes: even if Annabel has some plan up her sleeve to keep Duke from getting hurt anyway, and explains how, on a logical level, she may not have had a better option (I suspect both, because the comic needs to convince us that Annabel is out of her mind, but she's not a freaking psychopath, and I think it would be less complex to work with those elements. After all, she already has to start fixing things because we have so many conflicts going on), Lenore will still be angry.

And not just because of a moral issue, which is easy to see, but because Lenore wants to prevent any of these people from getting hurt. And Annabel being the cause feels like a nightmare.

Now, to take everything you say about how Lenore has become "Theo" to Annabel and her friends (an analysis with which I very much agree and have nothing more interesting to add). Let me talk about why I tend to view characters like Lenore with some suspicion, and why I still love this girl very much.

Lenore is a good girl, no one disputes that. She's warm, noble, protective, and genuinely kind to the people around her. But because of all the trauma she's been through, Lenore doesn't see herself as someone worthy of affection, someone who needs to be protected, and she doesn't seem to know how to take care of herself.

At this point in the comic, if the Deans were to tell Lenore that all these people will have a second life if she sacrifices hers, Lenore would accept it blindfolded.

And that is something that completely tramples on the feelings of those who love her: Bernice preferred to stab Montresor even if she had no chance against him before even thinking about hurting Lenore, Duke preferred to reduce any chance of being rescued to 0 as long as she didn't blame herself for what happened, and Annabel, uff, no sacrifice is too great for Annabel if it means having Lenore with her.

Lenore's journey is not only about resolving her traumas, but understanding and accepting that as much as she wants to protect these people, they want to protect her back. They love her as much as she loves them. And not only can she not be so naive as to think that there will never be situations where her friends will get hurt, but she also has to respect that if they get hurt protecting her, it's a sacrifice they're making out of love and not a burden she has to carry.

Just like Theo.

And that's why I want to see her have her moment like Touhru from Fruit Basket or Sariphi from Niehime to Kemono no Ou. To see this character stand up and think that she wants to do these things not for others, but for herself: she loves her friends, she loves Annabel. And that is why she will fight for this second life, because she does not want to be separated from these people, not for them, but because she wants to stay by their side.

The comic so far seems to be really aware of the flaws and virtues of these characters, so I really want to see how this will all play out.

Greetings and have a nice week! Thanks for reading.

Random Tought of the Day (IV)

One of those "yes, this is a very serious and emotional moment, but my God, I'm choking with laughter" pictures are these two little vignettes from Lenore's flashbacks between chapters 42-44, specifically 43. These are the scenes where Annabel explains to Lenore the bet on her hand and how she can no longer avoid marriage.

Admire Lenore's face as Annabel talks about this guy who wants her hand so badly that he's competed for it 12 damn times.

And it gets better when she comments that they're childhood friends and that "he'd make a good husband". God, this girl has had her week ruined, I think she'd stab the guy with a rusty razor if she could.

Putting the serious note to this situation, Lenore being jealous sounds consistent with her character: due to her traumas, she is quite unsure of herself, of her abilities, she notoriously has a huge fear of abandonment, and many of her interactions with Annabel in the present suggest that, although Lenore seems quite willing to give love, she gets really nervous about receiving it back (possibly because she doesn't think she deserves it).

You know, she'll run across school in her panties after getting beaten up in the maze several times to meet Annabel in the greenhouse, but when she tries to fix her bandages, she has a heart attack.

This could be a really interesting topic to address in their relationship, especially considering how consistently the comic has shown Annabel to be someone who can't even take her own skin seriously, but if there's one thing she cares about, it's Lenore.

It brings a smile to my face to think of them talking honestly about this issue. With Lenore managing to express her feelings, understanding that she shouldn't feel guilty about them (I can see her saying something along the lines of "she doesn't want to treat Annabel like the rest of her suitors did" as a kind of prize to take on), accepting this is an insecurity and that she should treat it as such. Meanwhile, Annabel tries to understand these feelings, is careful not to appear upset even when she feels Lenore is talking nonsense (because you know, Annabel would rather die than not have her wife by her side. For Lenore to even think that she might be interested in someone else is absurd) and wants to find ways to reassure her, even though she knows Lenore will have to learn to deal with these feelings on her own.

I think that would be nice.

[me-on-set]

Harrowingly Strange

When was the last time you had to face a moral dilemma? I am still reeling. I actually just got home. I think I invented a new selfie style. I wanted to take a photo of my makeup on and off.

As I currently write this, I am not an actor but instead have been doing background work for the past year. I've occasionally been a featured extra and was a body double once.

It's fascinating, seeing and doing the work that embodies being on set.

A couple of days ago, I received a message from a casting agency that had my headshot asking to submit my photo for a featured non-speaking role with a local production company. It was a one or two day shoot at $200 per day. I said yes and I got the gig.

When you are cast, you get an email the night before with details about the set location, start time, special instructions, and wardrobe. This show I booked was for a reenactment TV series about real world events. The exciting news was that this particular episode revolved around a crisis that occurred in my parents' homeland. I was to play someone at home seeing the news on television, and then in a second scene complain to police of their incompetence. I was asked to bring leisure clothing one would wear at home.

When I first started being an extra, I would bring my clothes in a backpack, trying really hard not to care too much. That behavior did not last. I found my interest stumbling forward into a natural evolution. I started taking luggage to neatly carry my wardrobe options. I found that I would mostly get cast as a mid-30's businessman. This led me to comfortably bring my outfits in a garment bag. It's funny how familiarity can grow your views.

For today, I packed shorts, sweatpants, t-shirts, a hoodie, a pair of runners, and a pair of flip flops. I got these flip flops during my last vacation with my mom overseas in her hometown. I also brought some henley shirts and arrived on set in khakis and a short-sleeved polo because there was also a mention of button-ups being an option.

The majority of work involved as an extra is waiting. It's a good idea to bring a book, although in this day and age, occupying oneself with a smart phone is a much more fulfilling time killer. I didn't end up using any of the clothes I had brought except for my belt and my runners. After my hair and makeup were done I decided to satisfy my curiosity by searching keywords of this specific production. I searched the name of the character I was to reenact. Adding quotations to strict strings of words, I had soon discovered the event I was going to portray. This was when my moral dilemma began.

I was born and raised in North America by immigrant parents who arrived in their early 20's. The typical experiences had by people of color paint a relatively positive mural that represents my upbringing. Having visited my ethnic country many times throughout my life, I felt, and still feel, a deep connection to the motherland. This connection is common for others like myself, powered by identity in a time where life will sometimes present it as a limitation. Conversely, this only strengthens cultural pride.

The role I was to play was an international representing their countrymen against the very country I identify with. Pangs of uneasiness flooded my body. There was another featured role performer who had an earlier call time. We sat together in the holding area. He was cast to play the part of a family member learning the news of the event. What surprised me more was the fact that he was a recent immigrant from my country of ethnicity. Us both, cast in roles of coincidental conflict of interest?

When it comes to acting, the only other time I recall having feelings of apprehension was during a big budget movie filmed in a church. I was a church goer among a sea of church goers seated in church pews. We were instructed to portray the enjoyment of a church service. Some of us were selected to stand and sway to the Christian music. Some had their eyes closed, head tilted to the ceiling, palms facing up to the heavens. As easy a physical task that is, I instead opted to clap along to the band and pretend to really feel the sounds of my favorite music. I know it's just acting but I was driven by the thought of my mom seeing me do anything other than that on camera. So, I coursed the music through my veins. I know the history of the band members, the albums, this music moves me, pretend.

I received my paperwork and read it over a cup of coffee from craft services. It was standard paperwork that I've filled out over a dozen times before. I looked at the inviting exit door. I was parked right outside. This is not that big of a deal, is it? I imagined this TV episode making its way to the news overseas, the citizens all over the world deeming me a traitor for perpetuating a negative image, not merely through action but through representation against them. Against us. Am I selling out? For two hundred bucks?

I thought about getting up and leaving. I thought about all of the hard work that people have put into this specific production. If you haven't been behind the scenes before, it is quite the trip. An assortment of heavy duty cables line the floors, taped in place. Racks of props in designated areas. The backstage crew zip around in sync, bursting with walkie-talkie sounds and hollers of instruction. There is a commonality in the many interactions, their minds tuned into the goal meant to be achieved. This is their career.

This is my hobby. I am a prop. Would leaving this put a blemish on my record in the local film community, or the film industry as a whole, because I wasted everyone's time being sensitive? As I languished, I get a message from my best friend and I tell him I'm on set. I tell him:

For some reason, that makes me feel better. I just might be able to work with that mentality. The other guy has finished. He returns his wardrobe and collects his belongings. I ask him if he knows what this show is about. We speak in our language among the English-speakers. I ask him if he thinks people back home are going to be mad at us. I ask him if he knew we were going to be doing this. He seems ok with it all. He said he was there during the actual event. He's new to the industry. We laugh about how we can pass as different races. This is his first time being on camera. He said he enjoyed the experience. I ask him if he'll continue. He said yes. I hope he does.

Finally, wardrobe is set and I am wearing a navy blue golf shirt and some gray slacks. I want to feel good, like the other times I've worked. How can I get that feeling? They're calling me on set. They adjust the lighting while I sit in front of the camera. A fog machine fills the mock living room belonging to my character. When the camera rolls, there is a fake TV in front of me that I am to watch casually at first and then grow increasingly interested as the live footage I am pretending to watch unfolds. I am supposed to build up into a frustration with the host country. My country. As I understand it, the real guy is being interviewed and I am the reenactment; the illustration of his side of the story. I do the scene. Twice. Filming took less than 5 minutes total. The whole time I was thinking about my mom. I can remember it still, a few hours ago today, the director describing the gradual transpiring of the footage to guide me. To help me see a reason to be frustrated on camera. It wasn't helping. It's not his fault. I don't think it's anyone's fault. I don't think they even knew why I would be uncomfortable. I don't think they knew much about the countries involved in the event. They even spelled the city name wrong. I don't even think the takes were that bad.

I wish it wasn't about my country. If it were different, I feel like I could have given more - like I had done at the church.

It's unsettling to perform make-believe, but for myself I have managed to apply a mental exercise that immerses me into a character; to actually be the person. The trick is to relate. To tie the emotion to a real memory and relive it. If it had only been about another country, I'm sure I would have enjoyed the process a lot more.

I'm writing this and I was hoping it would help me shake away this dread. Thoughts of regret imagining if I had only researched the keywords sooner. Maybe I would have cancelled. But that wouldn't have been better. I would be blacklisted and never cast as another role again. Or maybe I'm being dramatic. Hey, that's good for this line of work, right?

I honestly hope the final cut looks great. This is the biggest role I've ever been in. They gelled my hair funny like a nerd, I had on large framed glasses, just like the portrayed, and they put makeup on my upper lip to hide my dark, clean-shaven stubble.

When I got home, before I washed my makeup off, I took a before and after mirror selfie because my face looked comedically smooth. Taking the pictures reminded me of when I was sipping coffee in the holding area. I had taken pictures of my paperwork. I remember my mind racing. The feeling was like gathering license plates and insurance information after a collision. You know, just in case I have to stand trial, my cultural membership in jeopardy. I can review my situation with a lawyer to see what I can and can not say during a variety show interview that is getting my side of the story after viral, captioned screenshots of me flood the internet with embarrassing memes, stamped into history. Jesus Christ, that would be the worst. Here I go again with extreme maybes. It's an entertaining curse that I will forever be engulfed in my own hypothetical torture.

Anyway, here's that selfie I invented:

Yeah my bathroom mirrors are dirty.

I can't wait for my next job that I can cleanse my palate with. I really hope I can accept today as purely an actor's portrayal, and not a turncoat betrayal. This can't be my last go at acting. I ate some of my country's food for supper. I feel a bit better. I'm wearing a shirt that is emblazoned with our country's sports hero.

I have always been excited to see the final release of a production I am in, except for this one now. Uncontrollably, my perverse curiosity into the film world is only strengthening, so I don't think even the worst thoughts can slow my future participation. The silver lining is that the uncomfortable bar is set to a new level. I could reenact a murderous deviant now without batting a moral eyelash, I like to think. All for the sake of film.

- WSS, February 8, 2019