#it's not a good idea to jump from such toxic situations to a poly relationship

[myheartismadeofstars]

Deeply annoyed that I always fall in love with games I can't fucking play 😭

After months of avoiding it I ended up in a DnD Hyperfixation and wanting to play Baldur's Gate 3 and now I'm an Astarion simp

Really doesn't help that I have an OC/intended DnD PC that I think would get along with him well (especially since her brother is a vampire and that is LITERALLY the reason for her adventure!) so I'd base my Tav off her even if her story is different (and lbr I'd write fanfic of her as her og self lol)

I wanna play but I have no ability to 😭

(btw my other favourite characters are Karlach, Gale and... probably Minsc? But of course I can't have both Gale and Astarion 🙄 how do y'all cope with monogamy in this game???)

[illithilit]

As promised, here's everyone's relationship info! ( If they aren't here, it's bc I haven't developed them enough in this area. )

Luparon. Demi, possibly asexual, possibly pan?? I'm not sure and neither is it. Probably about the same for romantic interests. Would be quite open to the idea of a polyamorous relationship. No experience with these things at all, or even to the culture of it, really, but would actually be open to and interested in learning. ( Note: very socially anxious individual; will not bring any of these subjects up on its own bc it doesn't know how to approach these things -- BUT will only turn down advances if it's genuinely disinterested in someone. ) Theoretically v willing to be a committed partner, but would want room to learn before committing to specifics like that, but would still stay within whatever boundaries that would have been set going into the relationship.

Mourndax. Homosexual and romantic. Has some experience, part with his first boyfriend in his teens, part with the woman he was forced to marry and have a child with, and some from a string of one night stands he's had since he settled on the surface. Not into polyamory. By default on the flakey side of committed bc he has issues, but is more the type to push people away out of a panic response; NOT someone who would cheat, to be clear.

Blurg. Pan / demi, both sexual and romantic. No experience prior to a ship, as he's a little fucked up from his childhood and needs a certain level of trust and similar interests before he starts to get feelings for anyone. And tbh, despite his culture being p open with sex, he's one that prefers to only have it with someone he has a strong romantic relationship with. Possibly situationally poly, but primarily monogamous. I cannot stress enough that he is the extremely committed sort that takes that kind of thing v seriously.

Grazilaxx. Pan / demi, both romantic and sexual. Good amount of experience prior to a ship, as it has dated and slept with a good handful of humaniods in between leaving its colony and the BG3 era, but they also serve as a laundry list of things it doesn't like in a relationship, so it's a lot pickier than it used to be about entering into such things. Probably only monogamous bc I have a hard time trying to imagine it pouring that kind of energy into multiple people or being okay with its partner doing that.

Orianna. Pansexual, with a strong male preference. Demiromantic. Extremely sexually experienced, as she's someone that likes sex a LOT. Not so romantically experienced, as the first and only time she tried it was one-sided and toxic af. Strictly monogamous if romantic, poly if sexual. Up front, it's difficult to get her to really commit to anyone in any kind of fashion, but if she actually emotionally bonds to someone, she'll happily commit to levels that mirror her affection level. Note: Confident in herself and not the sort to jump at ghosts so to speak ( meaning, not going to see reasons to be jealous when it isn't something obviously romantic or sexual going on ) but is the ugly jealous sort. Highly advised to be 100% certain before asking her to commit.

Amis. Bisexual and romantic. Fairly experienced sexually; some of it with devils, some of it with humanoids. Most of it p rough, which he likes less as he ages. Not super experienced romantically, but has kind of dated an erinyes and a fellow knight. Never actually been in love before Ashen / a ship. Situationally flexible with monogamy and or polyamory; depends on the partner(s) and the situation. The 'I found my person and it doesn't matter if they die when we're young or if we're old, no one else can ever take their place and it hurts too much to think of even trying' level of committed.

Yzare. Asexual and demi / grey romantic. Not at all experienced before a ship bc she's not interested in seeking that sort of thing out, and is perfectly fine with the idea of never having been in a relationship if she never discovers feelings for someone. Strictly monogamous bc she will 100% be a little possessive of a partner. Ride or die level committed.

Methil. Greysexual and romantic. Not experienced in any way shape or form bc he is a traditional squid, and traditional squids aren't even allowed to form platonic relationships, so he's literally never considered romance or sex. Could possibly be convinced of it if the subject was broached, as long as he's not actively in a colony. No idea on the rest tho

Cherish. Homosexual and romantic. Hadn't had any experience before Nephris, I think bc he's never had anyone but Nephris stay in his life long term so the idea was terrifying. Wholly monogamous. Committed body and soul to Nephris in the most unbreakable flavor there is.

Varen. Pansexual and romantic. P well experienced, bc tbh if you're down, he's down. V open and willing to love emotionally or sexually. Willing to go either way with monogamy or polyamory tbqh; the joke of the campaign he was created for was that the party was a polycule with a freshly adopted corvid child, but would also commit to only one person if that's what they wanted and he's in love. Not super committed by default, but would absolutely be the sort to follow a partner to the Hells and back without being asked.

[procancelled]

So have you read that update on that stulid petition? It's some interesting "insider info" Idk I'm pretty sure its all BS but idk idk idk

I hadn't but I looked it up, read through and here are my thoughts on it (I actually made notes on paper). You might want to grab and snack and a drink because this is a long one.

1. Anyone can claim to be a friend of Holly or Jared. Nothing written here has any evidence to support it. If they know Holly and talk to her online I'd assume that they'd have shared at least a few written conversations. They also claim to have known and sent nudes to Jared. I don't want screenshots of nudes but conversations. Where is evidence?

2. Bringing up Holly's mental health wasn't needed, it was probably for sympathy and did they even have her permission to talk about this (if they do know her)(Also same thing about Jared's mental health. More on that later)?

3. I get that Ross wants to stay out of this, more on that in a moment, but if what Heidi has said is completely false and he and Holly had an open relationship, and he and Holly split on any kind of decent terms, and Ross had been mad at Heidi for stopping Holly and Jared's relationship  (which yeah, he's mad because his wife isn't fucking another man, makes sense(!)), and for yelling at Holly, then why would he remain silent on everything and let Holly take the heat?

4. Ross wants to be left out of this. They shouldn't be giving out all this information. Say he was aware of Holly and Jared's relationship (though I have my doubts) and that he and Holly were poly (things already stated by people involved in this situation) but any other alleged relationships he was in aren't the public's business.

5. Oh, and we're claiming that Ross and Holly's marriage was toxic for Holly now? I'm gonna be honest Ross is the only person in this situation I still really trust and respect so if he turns out to be not so great I don't know what I'm gonna do, but that's besides the point. Holly and Ross' marriage wasn't the healthiest? Well no shit if she was off telling another man she only had feelings for him and that he had awakened sexual feelings in her she'd never felt before. Shit like that is making me question if she ever actually had feelings for Ross.

6. Also, can we just acknowledge the fact that the person (I'm guessing creator of the petition) asking about the situation pushes the narrative they want and the other person just agrees with what they say? Seems sketchy to me...

7. Why would Ross be mad at Jared for being a good partner and stopping a relationship his wife wasn't comfortable with? I feel like Ross is reasonable enough and would understand (like yeah he may be a little insulted because that's his wife but he must have seen how close she and Jared were and would understand feeling weird about it). Even if he didn't, wouldn't he be mad at Heidi? If this is the truth (which I doubt) then the four of them should have sat down and talked about ground rules and just communicated more. Clearly none of them are cut out for being poly. And again, if Ross was mad at Heidi and not a fan of her see point 3.

8. The whole shit with Heidi and Cristina is speculation. Nothing said is factual, it's just what they 'believe'. Just because Cristina said a few things about Holly and she and Heidi reply to each other occasionally does not mean Heidi had a big scheme. Nate and Cristina broke up a while ago and I haven't seen Cristina and Heidi interact until recently. And even if they did talk they would have known each other through Nate and Jared working together. Unless we get evidence for this claim I'm not going to entertain this idea further.

9. Holly showed a sexual conversation Jared and Heidi had about Heidi's partner. The fact that their relationship was sexual isn't news. Also we don't know when Jared and Heidi stopped being poly. We know that Heidi wanted Jared to end his relationship with Holly because she made Heidi uncomfortable. I seem to remember Heidi even stated that she was fine with Jared pursuing someone else who wasn't Holly and then later they stopped being poly.

10. Heidi said Jared used the fact that he made more money over her. She also said that she and Jared had been together before Jared got big on YouTube. So claiming she was with him for money seems strange to me. Also, maybe not the wisest thing to bring up when Holly has brought up money struggles and when Ross was doing Grumps (and Holly's channel money went to her grandfather's healthcare) she was making less money than Ross so anyone could claim she stayed with Ross for money. See how easy it is to make claims? And this whole idea that she tried to isolate Jared and didn't let him 'have a life outside of her' doesn't seem believable when he had Normal Boots (talking about the guys not just the newish channel) and DCA. They claim she tried to isolate him when Jared clearly had many friends and was far from isolated.

10. They say Heidi 'ransacked' his house; Heidi says she went back to get some stuff she'd left because she had to move out quickly and Jared was out of town at the time. Holly tried to make it seem like Heidi wanted to go back and therefore she clearly wasn't abused. Who knows at this point? All that's for sure is Holly's claim was disgusting.

11. If Jared was so scared of Heidi, why did he make a statement about the divorce knowing that she'd she it even if he blocked her? Heidi said she wasn't going to say anything until she saw his statement and that he blocked her. It's funny to think that this wouldn't be happening if Jared had left it alone or just said they were getting a divorce and wanted to deal with it in private. Holly not responding about how she'd be there to suck his dick if she needed him would have helped too.

12. Just because you had a good experience with Jared doesn't mean everyone did. If someone jumped of a building and somehow ended up being completely fine after that doesn't automatically mean it's safe to jump off of buildings. Your personal experience doesn't not equal everyone's experience. I don't care if this helped you (which by the way just seems like a way of being like 'Jared helped me, he can't be a bad person because he helped me'). It was an abuse of power when he solicited nudes from his fans and minors may have been involved.

13. Mentioning Jared's mental health as a way to gain sympathy. Also, mental health is not an excuse. It can be an explanation, but if you do something that is harmful, especially to others, then you address it and get help. If you engage in risky behaviour then you get help. Jared could give his phone to someone else to stop him sexting people when depressed and fine other ways to distract himself. Additionally, to backtrack slightly, if you know that you are doing something that hurts others and don't try to stop; don't get help, then you are being abusive because you know what you're doing isn't right but you aren't trying to stop (this is more about Holly's behaviour in terms or harming others but Jared knew the risks he was taking in terms of minors possibly being involved and should have gotten help).

14. And lastly, let's go back to the fact that this person claims to be Holly's friend. Holly, who has proven many times how manipulative she can be; who has been called out for her toxic behaviour and lying. So can we trust a friend of Holly's? No. Not just because they may have false information but because they're biased anyway due to being her friend. Also, you know who else is a friend of Holly's? Her previous buisness partner who helped scam a cancer survivor. So yeah... I don't trust friends of Holly's.

[stillbornphoenix-blog]

of LOVE & SEX

I was raised Christian by my grandparents. Through elementary I went to a Catholic school. We moved to a place that didn’t have a Catholic middle school, so I went to public school for the first time. Throughout the first few weeks I’d occasionally get asked, “Who’s on top?��� I had no idea what they were talking about until someone clued me in that it was about sex.

I heard a lot of sex jokes that I didn’t understand at all. I laughed along because I was too embarrassed to admit that I knew absolutely nothing about sex, or even what a girl looked like naked for that matter. I didn’t even know what a vagina was or looked like.

Near the end of my first semester in public school curiosity got the better of me. I didn’t know the word “porn” yet, but I’d heard of Playboy, so I typed in playboy.com and saw pictures of boobs for the first time in my life. Although it wasn’t the first time my penis had felt that tingling sensation, it was the first time it had become fully erect. My natural instincts kicked in to stimulate my upright member with my hand until something unexpected happened. The exhilaration of that first time, a buildup of pleasure leading to some unknown event but being excited instead of afraid of whatever was about to happen. When I finally exploded it was the best feeling I’d ever had in my life... and I immediately felt like a horrible person. I had sinned.

Over winter break my grandmother offered to homeschool me. She didn’t like the effect that public school had on me between bullies and me feeling brave enough to cuss here and there. I agreed mostly to get away from the sexually toxic environment of middle school, but also because I hated waking up early every morning.

I was homeschooled through the rest of middle and high school, but I never stopped masterbating. It only got worse, and the worse it got the more I hated myself. It didn’t help that I never managed get a girlfriend, so I never had the opportunity to go too far and actually experience sex itself. It remained life’s greatest mystery. It seemed as though there was a whole other world on the other side of virginity that I couldn’t be a part of. Add to that the ambivalence of wanting sex more than anything yet it also being my greatest source of self-hatred.

When I was 19 I was rejected by a girl who seemed to really like me, but gave a bullshit reason why she couldn’t be with me. I deducted the lie was due to me being physically unattractive. On that day I dedicated myself to physical excellence. I also determined that 8 years of suffering from the guilt of lust was over. Instead I embraced my sexuality. Between my newfound self-acceptance and getting into peak physical condition a year later I was finally appealing to the opposite sex.

I finally had a girlfriend, and she was smoking hot! I never dreamed I could get with a girl this damn good looking. We were intimate over clothes, but never managed to have a private moment alone since we both lived with our parents. After several months when the opportunity presented itself... I couldn’t get hard. Why the fuck wasn’t I able to get hard!?! This girl was hotter than hell and slobbering on my limp noodle, but all I could think about was how she told me how it takes a lot of stamina to get her off... and how her ex had A LOT of stamina. I was experiencing crippling performance anxiety. Of course I had no idea what that was at the time, and neither did she. She suspected I was gay and broke up with me.

I turned 22 a month later and I was desperate to lose my virginity. I found on craigslist a hetero couple that was looking for a virgin to break in. The woman had lost her virginity in a threesome and wanted to pass along the experience. First the boyfriend met me at the designated motel room to make sure I checked out for safety reasons. He was a very outgoing and muscular like a damn bodybuilder. In my head the intimidation factor was setting in. When she arrived she was so sweet and easy on the eyes I thought maybe I could turn my head around and follow through with this. We took our clothes off and got in bed.

She took my into her mouth and my cock began to swell. My heart was racing. This was finally going to happen. After putting a condom on me she turned around and spread her pussy open with her fingers. I moved forward and entered into another person. I immediately hated the fact that I was wearing a condom. It was a sensation leaps and bounds better than my right hand for sure. However, I could tell there was still an experience that I was missing out on by using a rubber. Snap out of it! Focus on what does feel good about it.

Her boyfriend was caressing her and squeezing her breasts with his insanely bulky arms. I was in really good shape, but nothing like this guy. I never directly looked at it, but his cock was within my peripheral and it was impossible not to notice it’s stiffness and size. How could I possibly satisfy a woman who’s used to being with that when I don’t even have any idea what I’m even doing? Feeling of being inferior crept into my mind and my sex drive powered down. In less than a minute intercourse my penis had loss the will to live.

After some frustrating attempts to get back what was lost I excused myself to the bathroom to try in private, out of sight of Arnold Schwarzenegger. During my futile struggle I could hear them in the other room, shaking the bed, headboard banging against the wall, her screaming with ever thrust... there was no way I was gonna get it up again at this point. After they finished we shared an awkward farewell and parted ways. As sideways as the affair went I still felt accomplished. I had lifted the veil concealing the secret world that the rest of the world lived in and I was finally a part of it. Sort of. Enough.

Months later I had a new girlfriend. She was a short black girl who had several partners before me and lost her virginity at a young age. Like always there was a legacy of past conquests I had to outshine, overcome, and outperform. Like with my first girlfriend we both lived with our parents and had nowhere private to go to try to have sex. There was so much sexual tension that we just parked the car on a curbside and had at it. Deja vu, I couldn’t get it up, but she didn’t give up like my first girlfriend did. About the third or fourth time on that curbside and I finally maintained enough wood to proceed to intercourse. Even though I was still using a condom I was able to orgasm with a partner for the first time. The next time on that curbside an officer came by and told us not to come back. We had sex when and where we could, but locations and opportunities were limited.

When she moved for college she was only an hour away and had her own bedroom. I drove up to be with her and experienced true freedom for the first time. We had a room all to ourselves with no fear of interruption or getting in trouble for being together. We even stopped using condoms, opting for me to pull out and cum on her instead or, if we were feeling really stupid, trusting her birth control and cumming inside her. I became addicted to condomless sex. We even fucked 12 times in a 24hr period once, but I’m sure we could have easily broken that record if we were actually trying.

Over the summer I started falling hard for a girl I worked with. Now, I had heard of polyamory before and considered that it might describe me. Although I had strong feelings for both girls I knew both were strongly monogamous, so it became a choice of one or the other. With how strongly I felt about the new girl I knew I had to choose her, and I broke the other girl’s heart. Over the summer I was deeply in love with this new girl. I dare say, to this day, I’m not sure if I ever loved anyone more than her.

I don’t know if the sex was mind-blowing because of how our bodies fit together or because of how madly in love with her I was. I suspect it was a lot of both though. It was undoubtedly the best sex I’ve had in my life. When she moved across the country for school we agreed to an open relationship. Although we had slightly different ideas of what an open relationship should be we agreed that sex with other people was okay.

I remember she told me she didn’t expect to be with anyone for a good long time after moving, that she’d remain satisfied for several months at least. A couple weeks later she admitted that she slept with someone for pot. That was a bit of a blow to my confidence, but I shrugged it off. I guess if it was just for pot than I wouldn’t be too offended by it. A few weeks later it was some other guy she slept with. Jealousy reared it’s ugly head.

It’s not difficult at all for an attractive girl to get laid. Guys... we have to try much MUCH harder, even if we’re fit and good looking (which I was). I decided to see if a girl I had a crush on at work would be interested in a fwb situation. She was indeed interested and I was no longer the sexless half of an ldr.

One day my girl across country (Let’s call her NY) told me about a guy who invited her and her friends to join him and his friends to his big city penthouse. She went into detail about how she slept with him and how he had the biggest dick she’d ever seen or had inside of her. My jealousy smashed through the roof when she told me that. Later that week when my fwb (let’s call her Boston) admitted to me that she was poly and wanted a more romantic relationship with me I jumped at the chance. At the time, in the moment, I mostly did it because of how jealous NY had made me. That being said, I did truly have deep feelings for her and was desperate to experience a real polyamorous relationship for once. Problem was NY wasn’t poly, and she was never okay with the arrangement.

In a form of counter-jealousy NY began to see her own fwb on a more personal basis. She would tell me about how muscular he was, how good he was in bed, how she and her roommate wanted to have a threesome with him (which was my greatest fantasy that I wanted to do with her), and how he had a real-people job and made real-people money and wore real-people clothes. Our jealous actions went tit for tat. Meanwhile I was trying to maintain a relationship with Boston. In hindsight I should have let NY go and focused on my relationship with Boston. Not only would that have made more logical sense, but I believe it would have been a much better outcome for everyone involved. Of course, that’s not what I did. In fact, I did quite the opposite.

Boston and I had a “mutual” breakup. I put mutual in quote marks because although we both verbally agreed to dissolve the relationship I’m fairly certain that neither of us really wanted to give up what we had. She moved soon after that to a new city and a fresh start. Meanwhile, I flew out to spend a week with NY to try to salvage the relationship, but the damage was done. In the end I lost two women who I loved very much and I spiralled into depression ashamed of my polyamorous nature.

Apparently I’m a bit demisexual and my sex drive towards a person builds as I become more familiar with them. Ergo, as I attempted a slew of one night stands I needed assistance in the form of a pill (now discontinued sadly). I decided fwb were more convenient as I didn’t want to always rely on pills for a good time and I successfully had a few fwb. With some the sex was uncomfortable and awkward, with others the sex was fantastic. One fwb developed into a relationship. She was an older woman (which I was more than happy about) with a healthy sex drive that I made some great bedroom memories with.

Although I really did love her my poly nature came out again as I began to crush on a classmate. My girlfriend, although not fully polyamorous, liked the idea of poly husbandry (her having multiple partners) so there was a polyamorous nature to her. However, I didn’t want to risk a prolonged attempt at a forced poly relationship that would only end in disaster (as I had experienced before), so I made the declaration that we were over. She accused me of giving up without giving her a chance to make the poly thing work, and she was right. I loved her. I should have given her the opportunity to try. Even if it would have been rocky for a while I think we really could have made it work, but we’ll never know since I pulled the plug. One more bullet point on my list of regrets.

I got involved with the classmate for the semester. She was the only girlfriend I ever regretted getting involved with. For starters I drastically downgraded from the quality of partner I’d just had. She was very much a leech, she wanted all of my attention and affection yet gave very little in return. Sex was all but non-existent. She consistently berated me and demanded way too much of my time. I was so relieved when I finally dumped her. After her there was one short lived fwb period before I met the girl I would marry (we’ll simply call her J).

I grew up knowing J but until now the age gap would have made a romantic relationship awkward. I became her first decent boyfriend and we moved our relationship very quickly. I honestly felt that I could be content being monogamous with J, so no longer would I bare the shame of polyamory. A year later as we were a week out from our wedding date she told me about a guy at her theater that she liked. However, her feelings for him didn’t make her feel anything less toward me, so she understood my polyamorous nature. We agreed that we would try at a polyamorous marriage.

Her boyfriend ended up breaking her heart badly. On top of that, she learned from her time with him (supposedly) that sex could be less painful and more enjoyable than it was with me, apparently. After that the rate that we had sex was greatly reduced, and she would ask me to cum quickly so she wouldn’t have to endure the pain, and we could only do it in a certain position. All of this just made me feel guilty for having sex with her like I was abusing her, so often I didn’t even want to try. I would have just gotten a fwb to relieve my sexual frustration with but I had just started showing genital warts and was told by the doctor that I’m stuck with it for a year then they’ll go away on their own.

A year passed and the warts were still there. Meanwhile J had a new boyfriend who she was having sex with all the fucking time. Even in our own apartment she was having sex with him way more than her and I were. For the three months before our lease ended while we never had sex even once it seemed as though they were having sex there daily. When our lease ended we were in debt and not able to afford the apartment on our own, so her boyfriend offered to rent a room to us, that way we could be close by all the time. It seemed like a win win at the time. We had no idea how badly every one of us was about to lose.

In the next couple months the jealousy and fear of being replaced by the boyfriend mounted. When she had a choice at the end of the day she almost always chose to be with her boyfriend. The ONLY time she ever spent the night with me was when she needed a break from sex. How fucking reassuring...

We eventually had a deep conversation where she basically told me that she realized that she didn’t love me the way she thought she did and that our marriage was over. We agreed to one last night together as partners without even attempting sex and she agreed. The next morning she woke up next to me in bed and went straight across the house to have sex with the boyfriend. That was the reality I woke up to. I broke in that moment. That was the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced in my entire life. She explained to me that she wasn’t thinking and just going through the routine. Honestly that made things worse. I was her partner for 3 years and I wasn’t even a part of her routine. I moved out that day. I stayed with my biological father until I got into my own apartment within the week.

I was surprised at how well I was doing from the seperation. I think a large part of me was unhappy in the relationship, but those were more logistical matters: the fact that she didn’t work yet would go on shopping sprees and the lack of sex being the two big complaints. But I loved her dearly. She was my best friend ever and I lost her because one day she woke up and just stopped loving me all of a sudden.

This separation happened about 2 months ago. Since then I’ve been trying to figure out how the hell I’m ever going to trust in the notion of love again. It seems no matter how much I believe someone loves me it could all be retracted in an instant. All my life I just wanted to find a love that would remain constant, someone who I love and who would love me til death do us part like the promise we made when we got married. The feeling is best summed up by the line in the song All Alright by fun., “I came back with the belief that everyone I love is gonna leave me.” The best I’ve been able to convince myself of is that she was simple too young and inexperienced to really know what she wanted. As long the next person who pledges their life-long love to me has been around the block and had some time to refine their needs then I should be alright.

A couple weeks ago I met a girl who may be just that. The timing with this new girl has been shit though. For starters, I’m still raw from my failed marriage. Add to that there is traveling partner of hers that just came back to town after our first date together, so naturally she’d trying to make the most of the time they have available to them. I’m not looking to yet again and so soon put myself in a situation where I’m feeling inferior to someone who seems to have a stronger connection to target of my own affections. I’ve hit the pause button on my feelings for her while he’s here so I don’t put myself through that while I’m still recovering from such a similar situation.

Aside from the divorce and her timing with her partner I’m still working on getting rid of the warts. Since I met her in joining the sex positive kink community it does indeed make me feel quite useless to her and anyone else I could potentially get involved with if I can’t even have sex. To top it off I am SO ready to have amazing sex again. At the moment even decent vanilla sex would be a marked improvement over the past 4 years. Once I get my green light that I’m clean and can be sexually active again I want to work on getting my sex life back to how good it once was... nay, better! It’s a goal I am looking forward to, but while I’m still enduring the warts the sexual tension is mounting to the point of nearly unbearable.

Luckily I know what the warts are and how best to treat them. It’s now a matter of keeping diligent with my treatment until they stay gone for good. I’m near the end of the road at least. The time period for them to naturally clear is approaching the max limit. On top of that, with my treatments, I’m down to only showing one or two at a time between treatments. When they are down to zero and stay down for a solid month then it’s a good sign that I’m clear. Three months clear would confirm that I‘m clear. So even if no more warts appear as of today I’m still looking at a 1-3 month wait before having sex. I don’t think I can hold out much longer.

Now, this post is about LOVE & SEX. I wrapped up sex first because I’m a hopeless romantic and I want the last takeaway to be on the topic of love since that is far more important to me. First I need to backtrack to include some information. While I was married a lot of friends and family found out about our being poly. Due to the judgemental religious nature of most everyone I know I have lost a lot of family ties and friends, some who were among my closest friends. Of those who don’t know yet I fear that they too would abandon me if they knew, and I feel as though I’ve lost them already. I’m currently down to one friend in this entire world who I can turn to and... get this... she got married the week after my wife and I seperated. Needless to say a guy getting divorced and woman who just got married makes for an interesting mix. We’ve been able to talk and hang out a couple times, but our ability to do so is limited.

So where does that leave me? The girl I’m crushing on is preoccupied with another partner, my only friend in this world is preoccupied with being a newlywed, my soon to be ex wife who I still consider a friend is taking time to discover herself and not talking to me. I have never felt more alone in my life. I am going stark raving mad in this apartment. I hate being single. I hate sleeping alone. I hate that I’m not content in my solitude. I fear that I have a codependent personality. I’ve been forced to acknowledge that I’m not as emotionally self-sufficient as I thought I was. I know we as humans are social creatures who strive for connections with others, but I don’t know if the degree of anxiety is a normal or an unhealthy amount. Is starting a new romance really the best thing or did I need to spend time to be comfortable with being totally alone. I just don’t know. I guess that was the whole point of this post was for me to evaluate where I’m coming from to try to figure that out. Now that I’ve gone this far and made it here... I still don’t know.