#led to some unreflected decision making. like maybe if I'd worked for a year (and actually like. got some help maybe)

[ruby-red-inky-blue]

idk who needs to hear this but it's something I would like to tell my younger self so: People telling you that after school you should pursue something you already have an interest and a talent in mean well, but they're not always right. Because sometimes, it makes you just pick something you think you'll be good at because you're afraid of failure.

And you'll enjoy it, mostly, because you were already interested in that stuff! But at the end of it all you might end up like me at the end of a degree that I took way too long to complete, not feeling like you learned much because you were largely coasting on existing skills the whole time. And with a view to careers that aren't rosy in the current economy, and that you don't really want to be doing. Like, sure, I still generally like the field I studied. But I also picked my studies purely for content, and not at all for what I wanted to do with them when I was done. And now I'm looking at the jobs that my degree will make available to me and I don't want to do any of them. I'd be decent at them! And fuck, I'll go wherever they take me! But for the most part, it's not work that i consider valuable. I always wanted to feel useful. And most of the work being done in the sector I am qualified for... doesn't feel like helping people. It does help people, in some ways, and it'd be bad not to have it. But I will never feel as immediately useful to people as I always wanted to be. And I think a part of me knew that - that's why I didn't pick that course of study initially! But then I flunked out of that and thought, well, it's because you didn't already like what you were doing. And yeah, it was easier. But also, I'm probably taking so long to finish my master's because this line of thinking made me pick something that I will never enjoy as much in the workplace as I did as a student.

If you have something you're really curious about and you want to do, you should do it! But if you don't have that, and you finish school with lots of different things that all hold a similar level of interest... idk, before you just pick something you think you'd be good at, just have a good long think about whether you're picking it because you genuinely think you'll enjoy something more if it's easier, or if you're just making the choice that seems least scary right now. Because, yes, there are always second chances - but your choice still has a big impact on your life. Especially if you're making choices out of fear, because it takes a lot to admit to yourself that you made a mistake, and you will surprise yourself with how long you can stick with a bad thing just because it seems less scary than making a big change.