#look i saw 'skeptic' and 'believer' in the same description below the show and immediately signed on.

[wandringbark]

started the show “evil”.... i forgot what it was like to watch a big-network tv show...... but other than that it’s really good so far. and the concept!!! the x-files except the truth that is out there maybe is catholicism??????? 

[writing-parker]

Dark Winter III- A Series of Vignettes

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Vignettes: A series of episodes and events in the reader’s and Bucky’s relationship. Big and small, sweet or angsty, these stories lay out the moments in time they carved out for themselves in the crazy world they live in. They all take place in the same universe, but do not need to be read in any particular order.

Summary Winter in New York is long and cold, and this year is worse than any other. 

Warning: Descriptions of violence, descriptions of torture and attempted suicide. This is rated M for smut as well. 18+.

A/N: This was really hard to write, and I’m pretty sure I bit off more than I could chew, but here is the final part of Dark Winter! I said it was going to be shorter, but it’s not (oops). I also said it was going to be fluffier and it is (mostly). So I’m 1 for 2, which seems fine to me. Anyway, i hope it makes sense. 

I love getting comments and feedback, it makes me want to write so much more.

As always, let me know if you would like to be tagged in this vignettes.

Dark Winter Dark Winter II

 You’re sitting at your kitchen table, the lid on Bucky’s ‘file’ still closed tight. You know you should feel grateful that Bucky wants to share it with you, but it was intimidating. And it was going to change things. There was really no way to deny it, it would.

You really didn’t care what was in it, and you knew the basics already. He fell from the train, was found and tortured by HYDRA, spent the next 75 years committing the world’s most heinous crimes on behalf of the people that tortured him.  You knew you were really over simplifying things, but in your head, that’s how it was.

Because Bucky never really talked about it with you. HYDRA.  He talked about Steve finding him, and Wakanda, and even life before World War II. You know he spoke about his time in HYDRA with his therapists. Surely had to recount his memories with Shuri. But he never went into detail about what they did to him with you.

So, in your head you compartmentalized Bucky’s time as the winter soldier as not him. Irrelevant and unconnected to who you saw him as. Of course that was ideal thinking. Those things- no matter how awful and terrible- happened to him. Just as much as anything else. And you would never hold him responsible for them, but you couldn’t continue on pretending they never happened.

It was selfish. But you were scared. Not of him or what he did or what he was capable of. No.

When you thought about what it meant for him to want to share this with you, that’s what scared you. It’s not that you had ever expected it to be some sort of fling or friends with benefits, but when you met Bucky you didn’t know it was possible to feel the way you felt now.

You pick up the phone and call the only person who you know can help you sort your thoughts.

“Wanda,” You sigh when she answers on the first ring. You hadn’t spoken with her since the incident, as you had started to refer to it.

Barely giving her a chance to respond you launch into the full story, telling her everything, even though you were sure she had already heard most of it herself. Sam liked to gossip.

“He wants me to read all of this-”

“His file, I know.” Wanda says, “Have you read it?”

“…How?” You had gotten home barely 30 minutes ago.

“Because lover-boy and I finished breakfast about 10 minutes ago.” Right. Wanda lived at the tower and so did Peter. The thought of the three of them co-existing makes you laugh. Bucky was open with you but he wasn’t exactly a chatter box with everyone else.

“He told you?” You’re so confused.

“I read minds, Y/n.” She says flatly.

Right. Of course. You knew that. “Thought you stayed out of our heads.”

“I’m sorry,” She at least sounds a little chagrined. “But they were really loud.”

“What was he thinking about?” You mumble through the phone.

“How pretty you are.” She laughs.

“Wanda, come on! If you’re gonna invade his privacy at least share with me!” You’re laughing too, knowing she’ll never tell. It wasn’t your business.

“Why are you freaking out? He’s trying to be more open with you.” Wanda sounds skeptical.

“Because this is huge. It feels like there’s no going back from this.” You busy yourself by pacing the kitchen.

“That’s why he gave it to you.” Wanda says hesitantly, “Y/n, if you’re not 100% sure about this you need to tell Bucky right now. He’s all in.”

“Wanda I’m in love with him,” You laugh breathily, incredulously, “I’ve been in love with him. I’m scared.”

Wanda pauses. “Of Bucky?”

“Of… my feelings.” You’re over-simplifying it, but you know she’ll understand. You’d told her about your parents and their tumultuous relationship, the way it affected you. “Everything that comes with it.” You gesture vaguely even though she can’t see it.

“Bucky’s not going anywhere,” Wanda says like she knows it’s true. Maybe she did. “He’s not like-”

You snort. “I don’t really want to talk about my daddy issues right now.”

You can practically hear Wanda roll her eyes, “Whatever. All I know is that I’ve been inside both of your heads and I’ve never seen anything like what you two have. Like magnets.” She pauses, “Read the file. Figure it out.” The line goes dead.

With a groan you grab the box and lock yourself in your bedroom, ready for a long day.

_____________________________________________________

Bucky hasn’t heard from you since yesterday morning. Realistically, he knew you were just doing what he asked and it was a lot to take in. But still. Now it was Sunday night and he barely slept last night because of his nightmares and he just wanted you.

He had been thinking all day that maybe it was a bad idea.  Maybe it was too much too soon.

Sometime in the afternoon, from his office on the floor below, Steve heard Bucky’s incessant pacing and went to check on him.

“What if she leaves?” Bucky whispered.

“She won’t.” Steve said, he was sure of it. Bucky throws him an exasperated look.

“What if she’s scared of me after she reads it?”

“Buck, you already tried to strangle her.” If looks could kill Steve would have been on the ground, “What? It’s true. If she was scared she would have been long gone by now.”

It was mostly the truth, but even Steve hadn’t read the file in its entirety. Bucky’s absentmindedly looking out the window when his new phone pings. He had been embarrassed to tell Tony he smashed his old one, but the other man simply nodded and there was one sitting on his bed last night.

Y/n: Come over.

Bucky doesn’t hesitate.

Bucky Barnes: On my way.

Your hands shake as they close the lid tight on Bucky’s file, the words flashing through your brain. His SHEILD file had been easy enough to read, there wasn’t much information and most of it pertained to Steve and WWII and his fall from the train.

It took you more than a day to read his HYDRA file. It was everything, from how they found him, made him the Winter Soldier.

The asset is not responding to traditional torture methods… asset’s enhanced abilities make him a threat to officers, must be restrained at all times… Electric shock has been used as a method of compliance… the asset does not recognize photos of close family…

You feel dizzy and nauseous. You would no longer have to imagine the horrors he went though, they would always be in your head now.

The asset tried to physically remove HYDRA prosthetic from his body. Needed urgent medical attention… Asset showed resistance to eliminating target, suggested use of psychoactive ingredients in next round of shock therapy…

Seven decades of torture laid out in front of you. The man you loved, a prisoner of war for so, so long. Pages and pages and you couldn’t stop reading. The worst were those first few years, what they had to do to turn him into an unrecognizable monster.  

Asset is non-compliant with HYDRA missions, will require extra time and voltage in the shock chair…

Water is withheld from asset for 48 hours before next enhanced interrogation. When weak, his mind is more susceptible to influence…

You had felt faint when you read …asset attempted suicide by asphyxiation… six months after his capture.

Finally… we are certain that asset’s loyalties are with HYDRA.

After that there were a lot of detailed mission reports from Bucky himself. Mechanical. Non-feeling. They made him commit gruesome, horrific crimes like it was nothing. Innocent or guilty, he killed the people they told him to and reported back.

That’s all it is until Steve found him. Then there was no more HYDRA.

You’re too lost in your thoughts to hear him knock. When you don’t answer he opens the unlocked door and approaches where you’re sitting on the couch and rests a hand on your shoulder. You know it’s him immediately and rest one of your hands on top of his.

You sit like that for a moment.

“I’m really scared you’re gonna tell me that you realized I’m no good for you.” Bucky breaks the silence first.

You stand and turn to face him. He can tell you’ve been crying but he doesn’t say anything about it. One of your hands finds his shoulder and the other reaches up to trace your fingers across his jaw, his cheekbones, tucking some hair behind his ears. Your lips ghost over his before you pull him to you, arms wrapping around his neck.

“Bucky,” You breathe in his ear. Chills run down his spine. “I’m so sorry… for what they did to you.” He buries his face in your neck and shakes his head.

“The things I did…” He trails off.

“That wasn’t you.” You say surely, calmly. Certain.

“Don’t say that.” He untangles himself from your arms. “The things I did were very much me. You read the reports I wrote myself.” He’s not yelling, not angry. Just studying you intently, gauging your reaction.

“You didn’t even know your name,” You whisper. Bucky opens his mouth to protest, but you cut him off, “Listen to me, Bucky. It wasn’t you that did those things and I know you might never be able to believe that but I do and I need you to know and understand that. I don’t care what anyone else thinks or says.”

He nods. You can’t read his face.

“And I’m sorry about the pain they caused you.” Your voice breaks. “And…I love you.” You didn’t even know what you were saying until it came out of your mouth. But it was true.

Bucky’s eyes snap up to meet yours. Hesitantly, with no malice in his voice, he says, “I don’t want you to say that because you feel sorry for me.” He didn’t deserve your love.

You give him a little smile and reach for his hand, fingers tracing up his arm, “No.” You say, “I love you because you bring me coffee on Tuesday mornings because you know I have a morning conference call. I love that you trusted me with all of this”- you gesture to his file- “And because you know what I’m about to say before I say it. The way you touch me.” Your eyes darken for a moment.

“I was in love with you before you ever kissed me.” You laugh, “You make me feel safe and you challenge me every day and I hate this speech so much but I’m in love with you.”

Bucky’s grinning, shaking his head, “All you’ve done is make my life difficult,” He says lightly. You’re both laughing, his hand finds your hip, “You’re all I think about. You’re all I worry about- I’ve never thought of all the ways I could lose someone before I met you. Your stupid face has me smiling all the time. No one’s scared of me anymore.” He throws his hands up with a dramatic eye roll.

“I’m better at this than you.” You cross your arms over your chest.

Bucky’s hand finds your cheek and he’s serious again, “I love you. You saved me.” His blue eyes search yours before he kisses you, full of passion, hand tangled in your hair. Your hands slide under his shirt leaving goosebumps in their wake. He pulls back, hand cupping your face, “And, oh my god, you’re so pretty.”

You laugh breathily, “So are you.”

“I’m pretty?” You both have goofy grins on your faces.

“Really pretty.”

Your hands slide farther up Bucky’s abdomen, towards his chest, pulling his shirt with them.

“What are you…?” Bucky trails off, with a long exhale, eyes fluttering closed as you trace over his abs and chest with your fingers. Before he realized what you were doing, you were pulling his shirt over his head.

His eyes open as you grab his hand and pull him down to the couch and straddle his waist. The act seems sexual, but the soft look in your eyes has him knitting his eyebrows in confusion. The moment turns serious again. You turn your attention to his left shoulder.

“I love this.” You say, fingers at the crook of his Vibranium arm, tracing up his bicep.

Bucky’s cheeks are red, and he can’t look you in the eye. You press your lips to the cold metal and he squirms away from you, uncomfortable.

“Y/n…”

You kiss his jaw, “What? It’s you.” Your fingers slide up his arm, to the spot where flesh meets metal. Shuri did such a good job with it, the transition is seamless.

You run your fingers over scars that you had previously thought were from HYDRA- five large, deep, long-healed scars where his shoulder meets his prosthetic. Now you know they were self-inflicted. You line each scar up with one of your fingers, tracing them towards his chest.

“You did this.” You say. It’s not a question or an accusation.

“I remember it hurting all the time. Wanting it off. Trying to take it off myself. I still hate it. I don’t get why… you…” Here he was, laying out all of his insecurities and broken pieces for you.

He didn’t get why you were here, in front of him, looking at him like that. He never would. But he would never question the god that put you here again.

He still won’t look at you, instead focusing on tugging gently at the ends of your hair, pulling the waves straight and watching them bounce back into place. Distracting himself.

“Bucky, look at me.” His eyes meet yours. They follow you as you slide off his lap and tuck yourself into his side. “I don’t love you despite all of this. Does that make sense?” He shrugs. You sigh, “It’s not like I read this stuff and thought ‘oh this sucks I maybe I can still love him’ I loved you and I read it and I still love you.”

You’re rambling, but you can’t stop, “You. I could care less about the arm. Keep it, or get rid of it, or replace with a bunch of knives like Edward Scissorhands.” You knew he would get the reference, you made him watch it on Halloween. He smiles a little. “But you would still be you.”

You gesture to the box on the ground, “All of that stuff, made you who you are today. Here with me. How could it ever make me leave you?”

“You should,” He says softly, looking up at you through thick lashes, “leave me.” He clarifies, even though you both know that’s not an option any more.

“You’re stuck with me, Barnes,” You lean up to suck his earlobe between your teeth, “You’re mine.”

Your words make him pull back, fists clenching, “I’m theirs, Y/n. They made very sure of that.” He stands, pushing you off him a little, “You should know… better than anyone.” His eyes drop to the purple bruises still littering your neck. He bends to pick up his shirt and cover himself, but you stand and stop him.

“They don’t get to have you,” You spit. Bucky knows you’re not frustrated with him, but with them. With HYDRA.

And then you’re kissing him, desperately, running your hands through his hair, pressing your body against his. His hands push your sweater down your arms.

“You’re…” He starts, but your lips are on his again, lighting every nerve in his body on fire.

“Yours.” You finish, warm breath hitting his ear, “I’m yours.”

Bucky nods desperately, dragging his lips down your jaw. His hand slides down your waist, hip, squeezing your ass. You gasp, trying to press yourself closer. He slides both hands down to your thighs, hoisting you up. You wrap your legs around his hips and grind down against him.

You feel your back hit the wall behind you. Your shirt rides up your sides, rough hands against your skin. His lips are latched to your collarbone, worshipping the skin there. Your head falls back against the wall with a soft thud.

Bucky looks at you: head thrown back in pleasure, lips parted in the soft light.

His knees almost give out.

“Bedroom,” You whisper in his ear. He doesn’t have a choice but to comply, latching his lips back to yours he blindly makes his way through your apartment, depositing you on your bed.

Bucky pushes you down on the mattress, body shaping to yours. Your hips strain forward, legs instinctively opening like a cradle. You feel him, hard against your clothed center.

“Oh god,” You moan, unable to stop your hips from jerking against his. He groans too, grinding against you. “Bucky.”

His teeth catch on the flesh under your jaw and he growls a deep, throaty sound of approval, “Keep saying my name like that.” He pants.

Bucky presses his hips to yours harder and sucks your earlobe between his teeth, skimming it with his tongue. His name falls from your mouth mindlessly, without a doubt his intention, “Bucky,”

With a pleased hum, he pulls away, sits back on his haunches to press his hand between your thighs. His fingers deftly work the button on your jeans, pulling them down your legs. His pants and your shirt are next. Having forgone a bra, you’re in front of him in just your panties, which he peels down your legs slowly.

“Fuck,” he says a little harshly, reverently. His cheeks are flushed. He licks his lips, eyes glazed, and his right hand skims down one of your thighs, sweeping over the gully between her hip bones. “You’re so gorgeous.”

You can’t help but blush under his intense scrutiny. You notice his eyes lingering on your neck, and slowly, he hunches back over and kisses you. Your lips part and welcome his tongue. Your hands reach down and unbutton his jeans, shoving them down his legs with his briefs. His cock bounces free against your abdomen.

His lips part from yours to trace down your jaw, then slowly, your neck. So gently, he ghosts his lips over the still-sore bruises. You sigh, eyes fluttering closed at the contact. “I’m so sorry,” He says into your skin, “I love you.” His flesh hand lifts to trace the bruises.

His hands shake.  

“Bucky?” You ask, voice laced with concern.

He wants to laugh, because he doesn’t know why he’s feeling like this. Just feels overwhelmed. This feels different. You grab his hand, press it to the skin above your heart. Your heart raced underneath his palm, pounding hard. “It’s okay.”  He searches your eyes, your mouth twitches with a smile, “Me too.”

The fast, rhythmic beating of your heart soothes him. He leans down again to kiss you, trying to put all of the love he’s feeling into it, “Make me yours.” He begs,

You sit up quickly, pushing him down on his back. You can’t help but run your hand over his cock experimentally. He inhales sharply, hips thrusting upward at the contact.

Habitually, Bucky reaches to your bedside table for a condom. Normally, he liked to take his time and make you come under his hands, his mouth before sliding into you, but tonight was different. He needed you now.

He’s pulled from his thoughts by your hand on top of his.

“I don’t….want…” You gesture to the condom in his hands, “Just you.”

Bucky nods, swallowing thickly.

“I’m clean,” You rush to say, “And I’m on birth control. And it’s only been you since-”

Bucky’s sitting up, chest against yours, kissing you sloppily, all tongue and teeth, hands knotted in yours hair. After a moment he falls back to the pillows, pulling you with him. Your hair curtains around both of your heads, shielding you from the outside world. Bucky kisses you again, soft, slow.

You shimmy up his body a little and reach between your legs to guide him inside you. The head of his cock parts your folds and you sink down on to him, undulating your hips a little so you can accommodate his length.  You both groan at the sensation of being joined together without any barriers.

“Oh,” You sigh.

You drop your head to his neck, adjusting to his size. Bucky’s lips find the sensitive skin under your ear, worrying the skin there. Eventually you sit up, staring down at him with a shy smile.

Bracing your hands against his chest, you start to move slowly on top of him, rocking your hips forward. Bucky inhales through his teeth, his eyes darting between your face and the juncture of your bodies. Using your shins for leverage, you ride him. His fingers tighten on your thighs, and he groans gravelly, thrusting up into you. “My god, Y/n. You feel… so... fuck.”

“Mmm,” you hum in agreement, clenching around him. You smile when he moans louder.

“Oh, fuck.” He swears again harshly, and props himself up on an elbow, he slides a hand up your thigh and abdomen so he can cup your breast. He squeezes it firmly and you sigh and close your eyes. Teasing your nipple with one hand he sits up and pulls the other into his mouth. You thrust down on him harder, pussy fluttering around his cock from the pleasure.

“Bucky,” You gasp when his pelvic bone rubs against your clit. Your thigs are starting to burn with the strain of holding yourself up, but your clit is throbbing, arousal leaking out of you to ease the friction of his cock inside of you.  

“Baby,” Bucky murmurs against your nest, nuzzling kisses up to your neck. “Let me.”

You’re confused as to what he means before he rolls you over on to your back. His cock slips out of you momentarily until he positions himself above you and then he’s pushing into you again, eliciting a moan.

He takes a leisurely pace until you adjust, and then he’s bracing himself on his forearms, careful not to pull on your hair. Then he begins thrusting more forcefully, one hand snaking down to light over your clit.

“Oh my god,” You whimper after a particularly hard thrust.

“You’re so tight. You feel so good,” Bucky presses his forehead against your cheek, breath hot and heavy on your neck.

“Y/n,” Bucky grits, you can tell he’s close, “Are you gonna come?” He forces out.

You moan softly, fingers carding through his damp hair. “Keep touching me like that.” You beg, jerking against him when you feel his fingers press harder against your clit.

“Fuck,” Your fingernails scratch down his back, causing Bucky to moan against you.

It doesn’t take long, with the manipulation of his clit enhanced by the sensation of his cock filling you, stretching your falls, and you come with an alarming suddenness only seconds later with an unrestrained cry.

Your walls pulse around his cock, and his grunts become raspier and more erratic- thrusts slamming into your hips, threatening to split you open. Your thighs fall open as far as they can, and you barely register when he comes inside you a moment later.

“Oh my god, Bucky,” You sound absolutely wrecked underneath him.

You look up at him. His body is pressed against yours, but he’s careful not to put his full weight on you. His eyes open slowly as he pulls out of you, rolling on his back before he pulls you to his chest.

“I love you so much,” He whispers, fingers tracing patterns on your cooling skin.

You pause, prop yourself up on his chest, “I love you too,” You say. You don’t look at him. Your voice sounds a million miles away.

“Hey,” Bucky says softly, tapping on your cheek, “Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” You try to sound confident, but you still won’t look at him.

“Did I hurt you?”

“What? God no. That was incredible,” You finally tilt your face up towards him. “Um, I’ve never said that to anyone before.”

Bucky sits up a little so he can get a better look at you. He smiles softly.

“It’s hard for me… my parents, they had a really… difficult relationship. It fucked me up,” You laugh a little, but you can’t find any other words. He knew you never really mentioned your mom and dad, but now he was realizing why.

“Oh.” Bucky says, “Oh.” He had been so caught up in what he was feeling, he didn’t stop to think that you might be feeling overwhelmed.

“He left her,” You cast your eyes downward, “And me.”

His heart sinks. “Those things I said about leaving… I didn’t mean it. I’m not going anywhere.”

“I know! I’m not accusing you of anything.” You rush to say, “I know I just… wanted you to know.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asks hesitantly. You’ve never opened up about your childhood to him, really never talked about anything before college. He suddenly feels like he’s been neglecting you because he’s never made you open up, like you had done to him.

It’s like you always knew what he needed and he was a step behind you.

“Not really,” You press a kiss to his chest. You feel his hesitation. “I will. Soon. We have time.” You smile softly before whispering, “I love you so much.”

There’s a lot more to say and you both know it. But there would be time. You had so much time.

Your legs tangle together, head fits under his shoulder. You fall asleep like that, tangled up together, not thinking about ever being separate again.

Tags:  @wnygirl2012 @swtmckngbrd @liamakorn @stressedasalways @emmiejames @acupofhotlatte @captainmommaoftwogirls @reallyconfusednowpt2 @shnadaidas @wearemightyghosts @winter-andallthathebrings  @tabseus @the-girl-down-on-earth @iheartsebastianstan @kyber-hearts-and-stardust-souls @aveatquevale- @busx @friendofkurt @team-marvel13

[meganmazing]

Fics I Read While On Vacation 2.0!

Last month I went on a trip to Italy, and you know what that means... I downloaded a ton of long fics to keep me sane on the long plane/train journeys, and now I’m sharing a few of my faves with you guys! Pro tip for travelers: DO THIS! When you do’t have reliable wifi, and don’t want to pay for the in-flight wifi, downloading a PDF (or ten) from AO3 is the way to go. Their easy system is one of my favorite features of the site, and has multiple downloading formats other than PDF, too. Plus, they include links back to the work in the PDF so you can go back and comment when you do have wifi! Which you should always do, because authors are a gift, and giving kudos and love in the form of comments in return is a wonderful thing.

This time it’s mainly stevetony, with a few phlint, a cherik series, and one reaper76 (r76) for good measure. And guys. The stony and phlint especially...oh my god. Even when Phil and Clint aren’t the mains, I’m screaming about them. For whatever reason, the Marvel stuff I read his time blew me away, to the point where I’m still thinking about some of the stories, despite it being nearly a month since I got back to the states. One fic genuinely changed me, and I never thought I’d say that without a hint of sarcasm, but here we are. 

Like always, click the bolded titles for the link, and please read the tags on each fic. Even though I tend to steer clear of the truly brutal stuff when I’m on vacation, what squicks you out may not register for me, etc. Remember to throw some love to the works you enjoy, and come scream about them with me anytime <3

Stevetony

Steve Rogers Is A Child by LagLemon  Words: 290k+  Rating: M

Tony gets into fights with Steve all the time and it's driving him insane. Sure, he's not the nicest guy in the world, but all he did was steal a little of the guy's sesame seed bagel - he didn't deserve to get yelled at for something stupid like that.

After drowning his sorrows in hot chocolate and complaining to Pepper about what happened, Tony gets a phone call from Natasha telling him to hurry back home. Something's happened - Steve has been attacked and he's not quite the same man he once was - he's been turned into a child.

With Steve out of commission, the team struggles with what to do and Tony finds himself filling roles he had never expected: babysitter and friend.

THIS is the fic I mentioned in a textpost pretty much immediately after I finished reading. I couldn’t wait for this rec list. My dear friends, this fic gave me a crisis of faith. That’s a tad dramatic, you say? This fic had me rooting for Bucky Barnes and Tony Stark. Winteriron. Yeah. Bucky has an unrequited crush on Tony, and he killed me with it.

Don’t get me wrong, the stevetony here is endgame, and it’s beautiful, but wow. Like. I’m not one to multipship people often - especially not with my top otps - and stony is an og pair of mine. Something about this Tony and this Bucky just...fit? I mean...I think I get it, now. I can see it. You guys win.

I’m still recing this as stevetony, but I had to mention it becasue I’m still in shock weeks after finishing this, and it’s stuck with me. Tony is a character near and dear to my heart, and the story is told from his POV in a way that felt a bit different from the norm to me, and I dig it. Don’t be put off by the child!Steve thing, it’s not forever and it is handled really well in the story. No child sexual/romantic/abuse situations occur. Personally, I would not rec that kind of story.

Falling Into You by sabrecmc     Words: 53k+   Rating: M

Tony and Steve end up as fuck buddies after the events of The Winter Soldier until Steve calls it off. When Loki's spell wipes all of Steve's memories since the last time Loki was in town, Tony decides it will be so much easier to just not tell Steve they had something of a relationship. Spoiler: It isn't.

Or, how Steve fell in love with Tony and forgot about it, and how Tony fell in love with Steve and realized it.

Sometimes, you read a fic that is infuriating, heartbreaking, and sweet all at once, in almost every paragraph (at least for the first three quarters of the story). Tony is at his oblivious, slightly self-destructive best here, and you just want to shake the man, sometimes. Not to worry, I also wanted to shake Steve. It’s equal opportunity obliviousness in this one. The story is told with flashbacks to Tony’s memories of their “fuck buddy” relationship as he remembers them while the present mind-wiped-Steve situation is happening. It was done in a way that felt familiar without feeling redundant, the way this trope sometimes does for me. The ending is so worth it, and melted my heart. 

A Higher Form of War by sabrecmc     Words: 292k+  Rating: M

Tony is a King with a surprising number of people out to kill him. Steve and the rest of the Avengers are fighting for Pierce's rebellion and end up with Tony as their prisoner. Oops.

Basically one of those bodice-ripping romance novels I don't read (ahem) but with far more gay.

Speaking of melting my heart, this fic obliterated it. When I say Slow Burn, I mean it. Oh my sweet lord, do I ever. But you NEED this one if Stevetony is your thing, trust me. It’s AU in the best ways, and uses so much from the first Iron Man movie, as well as the Captain America movies and general MCU. Steve and Tony are painfully true to their characters at times, which brings both the good pain and the bad pain, the way you know you love. Fluff and plenty of angst, along with gorgeous tension and resolutions, and can I just have more of this world? Please? Forever? What is the team up to now? How is everyone? We got two novels worth of story, and I still want more of this universe!

The phlint really is blink-and-you-miss-it, but I am a sucker for the little nods and they made me happy. Also, there are the beginnings of Bucky and Tony being good friends, and I am so here for that friendship right now. 

Deep in the Heart of Me by Finely Honed (jaqen_hgar)  Words: 257k+       Rating: E  

There were days when the realization that he was someone’s father made Steve's head hurt, but mostly he was grateful that he could trust his instincts, because apparently Peter was what had been missing from his life. Yes, he still had lingering, unresolved issues from his time in the Army, and sure, he had what Bucky annoyingly referred to as a criminally untapped ass, and no life outside of work and Peter, but Steve was okay with how his life had turned out because of trusting his instincts.

Unfortunately, those same instincts had straight up betrayed him by going absolutely haywire upon being exposed to Tony Stark.

Veteran single dad Steve runs a tattoo shop. For his 40th birthday, Pepper arranges for Tony to get that tattoo he always wanted, and he winds up with the mother of all crushes instead. Jumping out of airplanes is one thing, but falling in love is something else entirely. Steve struggles with the idea of actually letting someone into his life. Tony is left trying to keep his heart from being broken while Steve figures things out.

I have been holding off on this story for a long time. Something about Steve being the adoptive dad to Peter had me skeptical, and the heavy mental health aspects were not something I was eager to deal with when I first saw it.  

That being said, I am so glad I read this. Getting real for a sec, I signed up for a mental health counselling consultation after finishing this. I connected so thoroughly with Steve and his experiences, and of course with Tony, too. But Steve’s journey through this story is honestly on a completely different level of fiction for me. Its heartbreakingly real, and downright visceral at times in the descriptions of how Steve feels, as well as how Tony feels, being in love with a person struggling with mental illness. 

I cannot recommend it enough. 

Aside from that, the love story between Steve and Tony blew me away, and I fell so in love with their love, it killed me. The ending is beautiful, and Peter is such a wonderful part of it. The family dynamics surprised me with how much I loved them too, with all of Steve and Bucky’s dads, and Clint and Nat being a part of their squad in the military, it fit perfectly in the story. Also: Let Tony Be A Good Father Figure 2k18 is my new crusade.

(I even grew to like Clint/Bucky in this. Phil is kind of in the world? Not a part of the main crew, but he cameos, and that was nice. Maybe that’s how I rationalized it in the beginning: Clint doesn’t know Phil, it’s fine! I like Clint and Bucky individually so much that it worked for me.)

Holding Out For A Hero by Wordsplat  Words: 100k+  Rating: T (yeah, I know, cue the comical surprise that one of these is rated Teen and Up) 

When Tony was a prince and Steve was his manservant, they were young and reckless and hopelessly in love. But an attack on Tony's life convinces Steve that he can't protect Tony, so he leaves in the dead of night to train until he can. Ten years later, Steve returns to the kingdom a strong and able knight, but his king is both furious and broken-hearted. 

One of my favorite things is when I get to be unreservedly on Tony’s side when he fights with Steve. Steve’s reasoning is understandable for his character, sure, but BOY. Plus, Tony has the Avengers backing him up too, and I live for the team supporting Tony. In the MCU right now, the team is basically all for Cap, but the lack of multiple, meaningful, interpersonal connections from the team to Tony in those movies is a rant for another day. 

Again, this is another story where the supporting cast has my heart. I also adored the knights being made up of the Avengers, and Bruce’s role, which kicked ass and made me happy. But, this story focuses primarily on Steve/Tony, and their relationship just kills me with how sweet/painful it is in turns. The fluff to angst ratio is spot on.

AND: Tony is a good dad! (LTBAGFF 2k18) 

I love their love.

Go Ugly Early by just_another_tinker  Words: 161k+ (still updating)  Rating: E

He’s The Captain?

This was not good. This was so not good.

There were theories of course, of what The Captain would look like. Most followed the typical Hollywoodesque belief that he was some version of the Godfather, sitting in a dark room with a cigar, commanding his forces with a flick of his wrist. There were even some that even thought that The Captain was not one person, but a whole network of people with eyes and ears everywhere.

The blonde Adonis in front of him was definitely not what Tony was expecting.

Of course, in the end it didn’t matter.

There was a reason no one knew what The Captain looked like.

Because anyone who saw his face never lived to tell the tale.

This is not a finished story, and I am perpetually on the edge of my seat waiting for the next update. I’ve rec’ed cherik Mob/Mafia AUs before, but I’ve never read one with steve/tony and the avengers. I’ll admit, Steve as a mob boss? I was skeptical about how well I’d vibe with it. 

Now? Holy shit, friends, I’m living for it. The aspects of Steve’s character that the author explores are everything I didn’t know I needed. Likewise with Tony, but I’m emphasizing Steve becasue it’s so unlike the usual representation Steve gets in fandom.

Apparently the running theme of this rec list is stories where the team is amazing and important to the story, becasue it’s true here, too. They’re Steve’s crew, becasue naturally. I adore the dynamics between everyone, especially when Tony starts to interact with them on the regular. 

But guys. The phlint in this hit me in the feels so hard, I didn’t see it coming until I was ready to tear up. The writing is so good, I forgot a key aspect of Phil’s arc in the MCU for a split second and I was distraught. Clint has POV chapters (Phil also had one very recently, but I think Clint has more content overall), and so you get into their relationship and all the emotions Clint’s going through, and  and I won’t say more becasue you need to read this one, even if you’re just in it for the phlint.

I know I’m a massive sucker for Clint, and love him wherever he shows up, but this time I’m genuinely impressed. The tags have it as minor/background, but it punched me in the chest like it was the main pair.

Of course, the steve/tony is amazing and addictive, but I had to scream about Clint and Phil for a sec.

Phlint

 First Impressions by raiining   Words: 76k+  Rating: M

Mr. Clint Barton does not like Mr. Phil Coulson. The feeling is not as mutual as he had thought.

A Pride & Prejudice AU.

So, I will be the first to admit that I have a serious affinity for Austen retellings in fanfic. The only downside with is that I tend to be overly picky about them, to the point where I check out fast if something bugs me, even if literately no one else would be bothered, much less notice it in the first place. 

This AU fed my Austen-loving soul and gave me every Phlint thing I’ve ever wanted in an AU like this. Clint’s perspective here is spot-on, and his relationships with Nat and Tony were awesome to read. Not to mention that the author filled character roles perfectly? People were chosen that I wouldn’t have expected but as I was reading I was so on board at every turn, like, yes, of course, this is exactly it! They also twisted the classic P&P story and made it their own, making it fit and make sense for the characters above all, which I absolutely loved. Bookmarked for life. Probably will end up rec’ing this forever.

Phil just breaks my heart, and so does Clint, and I have way too much love for this fic, go read it right now!

And Eternity in an Hour by Selenay   Words: 60k+   Rating: E

He comes from a secret place, far below the city streets, hiding his face from strangers, safe from hate and harm. He brought me there to save my life...and now, wherever I go, he is with me, in spirit. For we have a bond stronger than friendship or love. And although we cannot be together, we will never, ever be apart.

When Phil Coulson is attacked and left for dead, he is rescued and cared for by an unusual man who looks like a beast. As Phil heals, he learns that Clint is part of a community hidden below the city, where people who don't fit into the world above can live in safety. In time, Phil has to return home, but he vows to change his life and find a happier, better future.

Phil and Clint believe their time together is over, but they are destined to meet again when their worlds begin to collide.

A Beauty and the Beast (TV, 1987) fusion fic.

I’ll be honest, this show was before my time, and while my mom loved it and I know the basics of the story through her, I’ve never actually seen it. That being said...hell yes. I was hesitant, because Clint is right next to Tony for Marvel characters that I hold really close to the chest, and making him a “monster” had me cautious in the beginning. Fuzz, claws, really? Yes. If you’re thinking like me, go for it anyway! This story won me over so quickly, I don’t think I even knew it was happening - suddenly I was hooked.   

It’s alternating POV, with a bit more of Phil, I think, since he’s the character we relate to more, being the outsider character to Down Below. Phil isn’t a secret agent in this, but he’s still a competent badass in that way Phil always is, and he was my favorite from the get-go! Their love story is so sweet, you’ll melt by the end. Also, there are explicit sexy times, and they are great. Plus, body image is dealt with wonderfully without feeling like a PSA.

It’s also not told in first person! I thought it was from that part of the summary, but it isn’t, and I was v happy about that.

The Clockwork Murders by Selenay  Words: 76k+  Rating: M

Phil Coulson has two lives: by day he's a quiet, respectable Edwardian gentleman and his biggest risk is on a hand of cards at his club; at night he's a masked vigilante, fighting to make London safer. Keeping those lives separate is difficult enough when his closest friend is the head of a special task force within the Metropolitan police. It becomes even more difficult when his latest case gets dangerously close to home, bodies start washing up on the banks of the Thames, and Detective Inspector Fury's team is tasked with capturing the vigilante.

Clint Barton, Coulson's new valet, is down on his luck and inexperienced at valeting but his skills from his former life may be exactly what Coulson needs. They just need to negotiate their way through Coulson's secret life and their growing attraction to each other. And save London from a terrifying new threat along the way.

Alright, this fic might just be my absolute favorite out of the whole bunch. Not to say the others are lesser in any way, but I LOVE this one! Edwardian Steampunk has never been my thing, but I guess I can’t say that anymore?!  

One of the best Phil POV’s I can remember, along with a romance that just consumed me. Phil is kinda like an Edwardian Batman with less gadgets and slightly lower social standing? I was so on board. Let Phil Be Batman. I’m starting that campaign right now. Clint is also a bit like Robin, if Robin was also Hawkeye. The slow build of their relationship is delicious, and so, so rewarding when it finally comes to a head (lol). When they finally got together, I actually fist pumped (just a very small, non-distracting one, because I was on a train at the time and didn’t want to look like a complete loon, but that’s how much I loved this story). Phil and Clint are vigilante detectives and Clint gets to be smart! What a novel concept! 

I’m also a massive sucker for AU’s where the Avengers find each other and form a team all on their own. The scenario here is AMAZING and everything I never knew I wanted in an AU team-up. When Nat first showed up, I almost squealed out loud. No shame. Steve and Bucky are off being cops with Fury, off-page, so they’re the only ones missing from the story, but Darcy is here!! Plus, she and Nat have a side thing towards the end, and I am HERE FOR IT. This fic just has me so excited, weeks after I finished it. I’m invested and it hurts. 

You know when I care about the plot of a phlint story, that the plot is genuinely compelling, because usually the phlint is all I care about. And the relationship is the foundation from the start, and always the underlying focus, so no worries for the people in it for the tension/sexytimes.

Cherik

An Ideal Grace by afrocurl and nekosmuse    Words: 86k+   Rating: M

Cherik is one of the few pairings where the No Powers AU’s are some of my favorites. This is one of those times! Both boys have some mental health issues, especially where Erik as concerned, but it handled fairly well. Erik’s mental health specifically is a major arching plot piece, and his therapy sessions are important to his daily life and aren’t just mentioned off-page.

It’s important to say that there is no underage or professor/student relationship between Charles and Erik. There is past professor/student trauma in Erik’s life, but that is always a clearly negative and traumatic aspect of his life, and something he is working towards healing from in the story.  

The only thing that had me a little iffy was the co-dependency between him and Raven, who is his adoptive sister in this, but it is called out, and they are moving forward in this story as well as the sequel. Having those two be siblings instead of her and Charles is a bit different, but I think it worked for the story, even if I still love Raven and Charles as siblings.

The sequel: Love’s Own Crown, I actually think I enjoyed more, since it was less about the identity mix-up and more about their relationship/therapy

Reaper76

The Other One Where Jack is the Gay Roommate by pfaerie  Words: 16k+ Rating: E

Straight guy worries he's being homophobic to gay roommate, realizes he's fallen in love with him. Turns out Gabriel Reyes is fine with Jack Morrison kissing guys if it's him Jack is kissing.

This is kind of a remix of the author’s previous fic of the same name (minus “Other” in the title), but with sexytimes and additional editing. This is the roommate trope at it’s finest. It’s Gabe’s perspective, and in a non-powered/modern day AU, which works 100% to the story’s advantage. Gabe cracks me up, and I liked Widow in this too. All the kudos for the humor and smut! I really love this author’s writing style, especially with the way they write r76′s dynamic.

It’s one of those fics I’d give to a friend who wanted to read r76, but hadn’t before. The angst is mostly “I’m not gay, bro! ...oh wait” kind, plus Gabe just being a pill, not any of the massively heavy and dark content you tend to see with this pair.

[aboutamandasadventures-blog]

T-Minus 13 days until lift off!

I cannot believe that it is already almost here. The next time I write you I will be in Costa Rica! While I never stopped trusting God’s plan, it sometimes felt like this day would never come. Now that it is just around the corner, there is much to do and so little time!

However, my time at the Center for Intercultural Training here in North Carolina has been so good. I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to come and learn from all of these wonderful people. 

 First of all, it has been incredibly life-giving to simply be around so many people who are going through the same things: support raising, saying goodbye, learning languages, entering new cultures, occasionally feeling inadequate yet still trusting that “God equips the called; he doesn’t call the equipped,” and so much more.  Sitting in a classroom from 8:30am to 3:30pm (with a few breaks) has been a bit of a difficult transition. I haven’t done that for seven years! It has been so worth it. I wish I could tell you about everything we have been learning, but I don’t think you nor I have enough time for that, so I will just pick out a couple of the ones that have been the most impactful.

We have two classes every day: 1) Heart of the Missionary and 2) Equipping for Cross Cultural Life & Ministry. The first class focuses on what you would expect from the name: the heart of the missionary (us!). We have discussed things like: Idolatry, repentance, our tendency to rely on ourselves, and one of my favorite lessons was about the, “Hazards of Being a Mature Christian”. When I first ready that title, I was a little skeptical. As class went on I realized that it made total sense! In our binders I saw a list of things that could happen as we grow in our faith. There could be more opportunity for:

1. An unteachable spirit, because we know a lot (1 Corinthians 8:1)

2. Self-reliant ministry, because we have strengths, gifts and wisdom.

3. Self-deception, since we are more able to hide behind religious truth and religious knowledge, and avoid our own critical heart issues.

4. Self-righteousness, because we are doing better and make fewer BIG mistakes.

5. A critical and judgmental spirit, because we are more sensitive about sin.

6. Defensiveness, because there is more reputation and appearance to protect.

7. Pride, due to the greater blessings that may come to us and through us.

8. Resistance to suffering, since we have less reason to believe we “deserve” it.

Here is where I get to be real and open with y’all. So, no judgment zone, right? (I love the word y’all and I feel justified using it because I’m in the south!) The two “hazards of being a mature Christian” that I felt applied to me the most are and “unteachable spirit” and “self-deception”. Before I arrived and CIT (Center for Intercultural Training), I was really bummed about the idea of having homework. I started venting to myself about how this class is probably going to be more like a refresher course for me anyhow and I didn’t want to read these books we were supposed to read before we arrived. Because I know it all, right? Yikes. God heard this and showed me grace. Within the first couple pages of “The 3D Gospel” my mind was blown. “I have never thought of the Gospel like that before!” I thought.

I immediately realized that I needed to ask God for a more teachable spirit, because as it turns out, I don’t know everything!

Humbling, I know. No judgment zone, remember?

The description of the hazard of self-deception was cool to read actually because it put words to a feeling that I had been experiencing for a little while, but couldn’t quite describe. It has become too easy for me at times to fight lies or hardships with scripture that I know in my mind to be true, but then not actually get to why I am believing the lie or thinking the things in the first place.

The second class, Cross Cultural Life and Ministry, has made me aware of so many cultural differences that I would never have thought of otherwise. Some topic are: transitions, ethnocentrism, folk religion (how culture impacts religions), cross cultural communication, and how to present the Gospel cross culturally. An example of this that they had us do in class was to present the Gospel to a partner as if you were sharing with an eight year old. We all simplified and used verbiage that a child would understand, while not changing the truths that are in the Bible. The same goes for different cultures! I don’t mean that we need to simplify  the gospel, rather put it in terms that would make the most sense to them! Kind of like how Pual says it in 1 Corinthians 9:19-23:

“Though I am free and belong to no one, I have made myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God’s law but am under Christ’s law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.”

Here in the United States we respond to restoration through justification: Jesus died to pay for my sins. In other cultures though, they would respond better to restoration through restoration of shame: humans, having shamed God by wanting to be all-knowing like him and eating the fruit from the forbidden tree, need to restore honor in their relationship with God. That is what Jesus did by humbling himself by coming to the earth to live as a needy human baby and dying on the cross even though he was perfect. All of the cultures in the word represent God in different ways because all humans are made in God’s image. How beautiful is that!? I have also been able to take advantage of our free time on the weekends. Every Saturday and sometimes Sunday a group of us have taken to the mountains for some hiking. Those hikes have included new friends, old friends, solo hiking, some of the tallest peaks east of the Mississippi, and even bits of the Appalachian Trail.

This was the trail head to the Appalachian Trail we started at; it’s right on the Tennessee/ North Carolina border.  

Below is the highest peak I hiked on the Grassy Ridge (about 6200 ft.). I was in the clouds/fog so there wasn’t much of a view, but what I could see what beautiful! I started running because it looked like it was going to rain. At one point the wind was so strong that it made me loose my footing and I totally wiped out! It was a gift from God, which sounds silly, but I have always felt that wind was so wild and exhilarating!

Prayer Requests:  - Get all paperwork needed for visa  - Use the 13 days I have left wisely  - God would help me leave well so I can adjust well when I get there. 

Praises:  - CIT has been so rewarding and eye opening - New friendships made here at the training - Only 13 days until I’m in Costa Rica!