#me on a regular basis. i'm so out of the loop with my own life

[fox-army]

heck if i know dude...

[inthefightgarden]

reaching the end of my current re-read, and thinking about zorian's sense of identity in relation to his use of simulacrum's. i'm just at the beginning of book 4 chapter 18 / chapter 101, where he's mind fused with his simulacrums, and he says this:

"He was afraid of such magic warping his personality and sense of self, especially if used on a regular basis, but desperate times called for desperate measures."

and it just got me thinking about the fact that his personality and sense of self is probably already pretty warped by the way he uses his simulacrums. i mean, we know that with his fancy golem bodies up to six simulacrums going at a given time, and for years of his life has kept that maximum amount basically at all times. and while he's not usually in quite that kind of hivemind shared conciousness state with them, he's gotten very used to being in constant telepathic communication back and forth with them all. i know that he can still function as an individual in the short term, but i kinda wonder about how he'd do going without that in a longer lasting situation.

like, post story, when he's laying low, and pretending to be normal, is he still gonna be keeping that many simulacrums around? or any at all? i mean he's trying to just take things slow and avoid attracting attention, and it's not like he'll have all the pressure and deadlines that made him use them so heavily in the first place. do you think he'd stop using them because of that? do you think he'd find other jobs and reasons to keep using them, purely thanks to his own drive and having new goals? in a very logical thought out way? do you think he'd have to find reasons to keep them around because he no longer feels comfortable when he's just a singular self? or maybe he'd have that kind of itch to use them, but would go without anyway, because he's a practical guy, but suffer... idk, a withdrawal, almost? from having these mental habits and instincts of bouncing ideas back and forth between his selves? do you think he'd feel lonely, without them? would the fact that he can finally properly create the friendships he wasn't fully able to have in the time loop make up for that? or are they too different? i find the idea of him trading in one loneliness for another quite compelling, but maybe i'm just mean /lh.

anyway idk. i like thinking about it all though.

[leopardom]

i've been listening to everybody's waiting and best year of my life on loop since they got released last midnight and oh boy the feeling i get from both songs is quite heavy but also... liberating??

why heavy? well, last year was anything but the best year of my life. it pretty much started with me realising (with some help) that i had fallen in love and, long story short, i got my heart broken very badly. at the same time, my mental health was deteriorating and as a result i started closing up and also lost one of the closest people to me. we're in good terms now, but never talked about what happened and we drifted apart like that. and it's been almost a year ever since

while losing that close connection with my friend proved to be helpful, the road to accepting this along with other things was very painful and i had to mask any negative feeling i had in order to keep functioning somehow and not make the rest of the people close to me uncomfortable. and i also had to focus on my thesis in order to finally get my bachelor's. and i did. but along with the new lows i had reached mentally, i reached and passed the point of burnout

my close ones were supporting me through my rants and i'll always be gratefull for that. but at the same time they still were telling me how good it would be when i'd be done with uni and how i would be able to get a proper job and make my own money and maybe do a master's etc. they all were waiting for something, they were waiting for more than i was already doing. they had been waiting for more than 3 years actually, but last year i was a lot closer to the goal and the pressure grew a lot bigger. and all the support i had was coming from a distance, i was still all by myself most of the time

from April til the beginning of July i was breaking down on a very regular basis, the panic attacks also became more frequent and my mental health was at the very bottom. and i couldn't even go to therapy anymore because i didn't have any time or energy for that. in the span of three months i had changed so much both physically and mentally that it made my head hurt and i couldn't process it

all i wanted was a hug from someone and to be told that i'll be okay. i didn't want everyone to tell me how things will be as soon as i graduate and how free i will feel yada yada. i only wanted a fucking hug, which i never got

after defending my thesis and graduating i blacked out completely. i can't remember myself feeling anything for the next couple of months. i only had a brief break when i went to Helsinki in September, attended all three of the jo finnish gigs and got to spend time with my friends in Finland. and when i got back from that trip i blacked out again. now i have a job and i make some money, but mentally i haven't recovered from the burnout and the high pressure. and people are still expecting things from me, from my students to my family to my friends to myself

lately, however, i kind of have started feeling again. my feelings are not usually nice and i cry a lot, but now there are days when i think that maybe things will get better with time and maybe i'll get there. a few months ago i didn't want to do anything at all and i was acting like a robot. now i want to do things, i'm trying as much as i can to do things that give me a serotonin boost so i won't have to rely only on my meds

to conclude, i still haven't gotten that hug i wanted so bad all these months ago. i'm not gonna lie, i still want it. but these two songs feel like that hug now. everybody's waiting is telling me that i'm not alone in this, there are people like me out there and we manage one way or another. best year of my life is telling me that i may have been and still am a mess, but you never know. maybe something different and even better is yet to come. and i have to be here to see it

[cryptidsurveys]

Thursday, May 15th, 2025.

When was the last time you comforted someone? How about the last time someone comforted you? Tuesday, when Liv was upset about the sudden passing of her dog. :'( The last time I was comforted was by my therapist on Wednesday.

Are you good at comforting others? What kinds of things do you do to try to cheer people up? Not really. I'm probably better at distracting people than actually comforting them. I just feel awkward, rehearsed, etc.

When was the last time you experienced a major disappointment? How did you come back from this, if you did? It feels weird to call it a "disappointment" when it was so much more than that, but the family drama last September. It didn't involve me directly, not exactly, but it affected me in ways that I won't talk about with anyone outside of my dad or my therapist. I'm still trying to process it. I don't think I have come back from it as much as I've...begrudgingly accepted it? Put it on the backburner and ignored it? Idek.

When was the last question you were asked that you didn’t want to answer? Most likely a survey question.

When, if ever, are you most likely to lie about something? Have you ever been caught in one of these lies? When my response might hurt someone or cause controversy, when the truth feels too vulnerable or embarrassing, etc.

If you were to have a snack right now, what would you be hungry for? I just finished eating lunch, so I'm not hungry right this second.

When was the last time you asked for help and didn’t receive any? It felt that way in therapy yesterday. It wasn't as though she was intentionally withholding help - as I said, she did try to advise and comfort me - but it seemed like we were clashing more than usual.

Have you ever been in therapy? Are you now? Do you think you always will be, or do you think there will come a time when you don’t need it anymore? I've been in therapy on and off since I was a teenager. It's hard to imagine a time when I will no longer need it, but I do hope that day comes eventually. I would love to get to that level of stability and recovery.

What is something you used to think positively about, but now regard in a negative light? How about the other way around? What caused your opinions to change? I think my answer for both questions would be my eating disorder. I can see how it hinders me and how indulging it causes a feedback loop of negativity that invades all areas of my life, but I also feel like I need it to endure life in the first place. It's confusing and contradictory, I know.

What is the most dangerous thing you do on a regular basis? Drive. I try to be a safe driver, but you just never know what might happen. Also, smoke.

When filling out surveys, are you likely to give a lot of details about your life or just skim the surface (assuming the questions are adequately thought-provoking)? What types of subjects do you avoid talking about in-depth? It depends. Sometimes I'm super detailed and give novel-length explanations and other times my answers are relatively brief and vague. Subjects I tend to avoid include politics, certain personal issues, elaborating on past relationships, etc.

Do you have a fantasy world inside your head? If so, what’s it like? Who lives there? What kinds of things do you imagine doing in this world? Lol, I guess this is also a subject I avoid talking about. I do have something of a "fantasy" inside my head, but that's all I'm willing to divulge.

If you could be the best version of yourself instantly, or the version you wanted to be, what would that person be like? How does that person differ from who you are today? I would be emotionally strong, confident, social, levelheaded, comfortable with friendships and romantic relationships, independent, capable of living on my own, motivated, creative, healthy, no longer dealing with mental health issues, able to speak my mind without so much fear, etc.

What is one area of your life that’s improved over the last year? How about one area that’s suffered or needs work? My social life has improved somewhat. I have slipped back into my eating disorder, though, and that's had something of a ripple effect.

Do you find self-help books helpful? Are there any you’ve read or would recommend? I haven't read many self-help books, but I do find the Buddhist approach to be helpful. There aren't any that I would recommend.

In what ways are you controlling? In what ways do you prefer to go with the flow? I'm kind of set in my ways when it comes to my routines, the foods I eat, and that sort of thing. I don't try to control people as much as I did in the past. I'm more likely to turn inward and get in my own head over things, which can lead to distancing, guarding, etc. I try to go with the flow at the animal shelter (at the volunteer dinner, Leslie said that I fly under the radar and never ask for anything, so…mission accomplished, I guess…?). I do have my preferences but try to refrain from being overbearing. I've seen where being overly controlling can lead in life and I've been on the receiving end of it as well, so!

Are you a perfectionist? Does this help or hinder you overall? Naw. I hate making mistakes, but I'm not a perfectionist.

How often do you unfollow people? What generally causes you to unfollow someone? I almost never unfollow anyone these days.

What were the results of the last test you took? It was that chakra test I took for a previous survey. The results were that most of my chakras were partially open, but that my throat chakra was blocked. Not surpising.

If you journal, what was the subject of your last journal entry? Did you feel better after writing it, or worse? Surveys are basically my journal now. I don't even keep up with my dream journaling anymore. :'(

Have you ever taken care of a sick parent or relative? Was it a difficult experience or not so much? I helped my mom with some things after her motorcycle accident. I don't feel like I did a whole lot for my dad when he was ill. The hardest part, especially when it came to my dad, was feeling afraid, angry, helpless, sad, etc.

Have you ever been in the hospital for an extended length of time? How did you deal with the experience? For my eating disorder as a teen. I was only in a hospital room for about a week during the first go-around. The rest of the time, I was on the eating disorder unit, which was less medical. I was homesick and regretful during the initial stages, but after I adapted, it was fine. It was actually a really good program, especially when you consider that was 15-20 years ago.

What does love mean to you, if anything? What about hatred? Trust, honesty, empathy, sacrifice, compromise, safety, enjoying someone's presence, etc. And hatred…I'm not sure. For me, it feels less about values and ideals and more like something visceral and emotional.

Is there anything you’re trying to get better at? Being true to myself, believing in my own abilities, and not letting fear or negativity get to me.

Generally, how many people do you interact with in a day? On animal shelter days, not counting my dad, the range is probably somewhere between five and ten people.

Is there anything you know a whole lot about (movies, music, mythology, etc)? How did you get into this thing in the first place? Outer space, history, the paranormal, conspiracy theories. I've pretty much always been at least casually interested in outer space and history. Conspiracies and the paranormal…that's a long story, a veritable can of worms.

What is something you like that you LOVE to share with others? What about something you like that you tend to keep to yourself? I enjoy bonding over common interests. And I'm not as closed off as I used to be, but I tend to keep my personal life to myself.

When you choose a vacation destination, what kinds of things draw you to that place? I can't explain what it is about Japan that has me so obsessed. Nowhere else seems to draw me in to that extent.

Do you have any unusual food habits? Has anyone ever commented on them? From the outside, they probably don't look all that unusual. Just repetitive. Aside from my dad, no one is around frequently enough to know what's up.

Who in your life do you talk to the most? How about the least? I talk to my dad the most. Then maybe Riley and Liv. In the middle would be other cattery coworkers, my mom, and my therapist. The least, other people at the shelter and Ollie.

[moments-withshelby]

Princess or Queen?

I've never been able to hide from the community. Everyone has seen me. I have seen me. I have known. I don’t think I’m "all that" but I feel I have potential and I feel that I've been avoiding it for I simply haven't felt ready to title myself Queen of my own life.

Ruler of my own world. Creator of my own reality.

Yet I've known this all along, creating my own reality and walking into my future shoes, taking steps, baby ones, to make sure that I am building this life right. Yet while I've been doing this I've also continued to tie myself around the idea of "Princess", the avoidance of wanting to be anything more than just a commoner. Running away from responsibilities and taking no action to get to where she is destined to go, therefore delaying her coronation and feeling completely out of loop within herself because of the fear of failing her own Queenship (I am aware there are positives to 'princessing', this is just where I am at with it right now).

One can not fail their Queenship by the way...

A queen simply asks for guidance from the land below her feet and from the spirit around her elements for guidance and support in times of confusion and internal disruption. A queen simply receives the love from the community, the community that the queen serves on a regular basis.

Please don't begin to assume that I believe I am The Queen, above all else...EVERY being has the potential to step into their own highest.

Side note-- I feel I have a past life of such a reality, where I was in power and 'control' of the lands.

I also don't believe it is ALL princesses that refuse their crown for years on end and run from responsibility. Look at Cleopatra, I don't honestly know all that much about her but I feel that she stood forward with confidence. With knowing of her potential and potency (I wonder if she was a triple water sign with a deep plug of unworthiness somewhere in her core... doubt it.) Everyone has their things. everyones tried to "release" their things, yet everyone also thrives off of what those things provide for us. By holding onto "my" unworthiness, I also hold onto a reality where I don't have to take responsibility for anything. I hold onto a feeling that feeds me with a desire to be loved, a craving to be supported, a NEED to be taken care of.

By letting go of the unworthiness, I will HAVE to take responsibility, I will HAVE to fully love myself and expect nothing less of myself because I WILL believe in my worth. I WILL believe in my own life, like I never have before. I will work harder and do more, I will create workshops and support people, I will offer up my sarcastic truth serum to support others in their journey with emotional regulation and all that jazz. By letting go of the unworthiness, I step into a reality that I have never felt before and it might met get to let go of the desire to leave this planet, i will have to let go of the desire to have it all just end one day because I will want to stay and endure all that this planet offers me because I WILL BELIEVE IN MY WORTH.

Perhaps I fear staying, perhaps I fear the potential of life. Perhaps I am uncomfortable with the possibility of me having an extraordinarily beautiful life that I tried to work hard for but ended up with beauty and shallowness. Perhaps if I lay low and stay fearful and run away from my responsibility then I can get away with a 70%, at best...I'm used to 70%, thats a good-enough ending. At 15 I stayed up all night to study and I believed so deeply that I was going to do so well with a school assignment and I tried so god damn hard to receive anything more and 70% and I did, I got 90 something % but the words that came with it were "good job" ... GOOD JOB!? Does she even know how hard I worked for this, for her approval of me and she gives me a good job!? .. what a cow.

I guess it was never about achieving greatness, but more about being recognised for my efforts from someone that hardly recognises my existence. Funny that.

Perhaps the core belief could have shifted if I hadn't of received a mediocre comment at all, probably not though. Perhaps if they knew my learning style and taught me in accordance with my truth? Perhaps if I had of a received the following; "Great job Shelby, I can see how hard you worked on this and you should be so proud of all your efforts, let's go through this together because I believe that you can get every answer correct next time! Keep up the great work because you're a god damn fucking star and you deserve to believe that you are" ... something like that would have been nice.

But alas, I did not, all I got was a one shitty teacher in grade 9 (that didn't believe in me or many others for that matter) to support the limiting belief within that I was worthless and will never amount to anything. Perhaps I placed her in my reality because thats how I felt anyway and it just needed to physicalise as do all beliefs in this 3rd dimension. Perhaps her hated for me and my over the top personality all just came from my own growing internalised belief of 'I am nothing' and maybe, just maybe did this begin way before I was born. Maybe it's birth came from somewhere along the ancestral line, laying dormant until poked by one moment, poked by an ick, an experience that did not sit quite right and then WHOOSH, off it grew, through the veins and through the flesh, through children and through lifetimes. Passed down from generation to generations until recognised for what it truely is, an experience to look at, to tender to and to re-pot into its own garden. A space that doesn't allow it to take over our entirety any longer. Perhaps this "weed" is actually a flower, that is truely beautiful to look at and to experience, only a few moments though for it holds a kind of emotion so powerful, so potent that when we sit with for too long it takes root in the darkest zone of our being. This flower is so powerful and perfect just the way it is that so many of us hold it so closely, too closely that we don't know its even there, not knowing that it killing us from the inside. This flower is an experience, not a way of life. This flower helps us to evolve, for when we connect to it, it holds us so deep in pain that we must hug ourselves the way we wanted when we were 3, we must nurture ourselves the way we wished when we were 12, we must slow down and breathe deeper through each moment and we must feel all that we have been avoiding for this flower, this magical moment is here to help us shift into our next possibility, out of turmoil and into what we have always craved, true un-conditional love (cliche I KNOW, but I can promise you that I wouldn't be typing this if I hadn't of done this work myself)

This flower is here to remind us to thank the past, but to CREATE our future.

So here I sit, gardening within, tending to all plants, emotions and moments that my bloodlines have passed down FOR me. Holding closley the beauty and recreating the garden to be what I want moving forward, to support and nourish and feed those that come after me.

Once we receive, it is up to us to do what we want with it, it holds no contract.

With my choice, I GET to re root what I've always known that has never felt all that nice to hold onto. I CHOOSE to put those plants somewhere safe.

I also get to choose to walk through this lifetime teaching the ancestors that came before me what they did not know while simultaneously learning from them as it was their choices and wisdom that lead me to this and every other moment of self recognition and deep exponential growth.

It was all of our ancestors that lead us to this very moment and its us who chooses how we allow it to consume our reality... You are an ancestor of the future, are you passing on an overgrown garden self doubt and lack mentality with a large sprinkle of egotistical self righteousness and lack there of true joy or are you passing on a garden that you looked at, felt, tended to and nurtured for the next owner to step in and look after? What gives us the right to pass on a sad, malnourished garden? I deeply understand the anger and frustration of "it was never mine to begin with, i didn't ask for this shit" BUT a little goes a long way! I began to see that it wasn't just me in the garden, I started to magnetise to new frequencies and all these wonderful people wandered on in and helped me, planting new flowers, carving new pathways, pruning flowers. Yes it's a "big job" but isn't it also a big job to constantly shit in your garden and then complain about the smell?

Leave it better than how you found.

To close this off I am going to connect us back to the beginning, I have and you are the ruler of your life, but we have to walk through all of the cards in the deck to learn the wisdom that helps us grow our fruit.

With colour and love, Shelby

[risky-riki]

I tried to be good, but I end up looping back here, when does it end?

I'm not sure, I'm not certain about anything at the moment...

If you want me to just go, I'll just go, you're making very clear I have nothing else to offer, I'm just another lowly being that just ended up being lucky to maybe unlucky...

Hell... There's no appreciation felt either...

Fucking cato friend shows more appreciation... But he's not you...

And you're not him...

You're amazing...

I wish to talk with you about how I feel...

But I already know I'm just going to end up in the wrong somehow...

So I just stay shut, just take and hold out until I "Crash this hard"

I'll never forget those words...

All I want is your company... But I don't feel that here...

I pretty much have given up more and more on myself...

I hold on because of you...

But because you're not here, I don't feel I matter anymore, maybe I did at some point, but now...

I'm just there... You got what you wanted, you got your life back, it didn't matter what it costed you, but you did it, I hope you're happy...

I love you...

... But this isn't what I want to go through on a regular basis...

Please...

Don't let me die...

Please...

I'm sorry...

If you told me to go...

I'm sorry...

I probably disappointed you...

So it's probably for the better...

Enjoy life Azzy, I don't feel up for it anymore...

You're pretty strong... And I'm just... Breaking down on a regular basis... Just go ...

I'm not enough, I will never be enough... I tried fighting, I tried making changes...

I don't see anything I do working out...

I'm always looping back to state of depression...

Your presence means so much to me...

But being in the quiet does get the better of me...

I hate how badly this has gotten...

Please just kill it...

Just let me die...

Sorry... I'm sorry for not being up to what you want...

Or just not being like you enough...

I'm sorry if I ever wasted your time...

I honestly tried a few things, but I don't think you liked them much...

I have been holding on to hope for so long that it's been turning into a false hope...

Just a hope to keep me going... But at the end of the day... It's just me... Throughout the day...

I would like to just hear what you have to say, but you don't have much to say...

All that I say, just ends...

Sometimes thoughts get skipped over...

It would be nice if you called... At least for a bit...

Please... I just want it to stop...

Just guillotine me, relieve me of my pains... I'll greatly appreciate you to death if you did...

Azzy... I'm sorry...

For being a fool...

I don't even know your true name...

I don't know what to feel right now...

Sadness, hate, my own loneliness, rejection, regret... Fury?

What do I want to feel... I'm just a mess at this point...

Instead of feeling better... I just feel worse...

Am I happy...

That's a good question... I'm never happy for long...

And yeah, at the end of the day it's just me, just... Me...

I reflect on the messages I was given without asking for them...

Lies I think...

I think about the times we played... But anyone can play with me...

What am I after at the end of the day... I have no idea what drew me to you... I spend time thinking on it still, learning maybe... You know so much more then me...

I've lived my life inside a cage, and now that I'm older, I still live in a cage...

When does it end... Where am I even going... Where is any of this going...

What good is being in the present and living a moment if there is no you to begin trying to have a moment...

Memories... Right... Just illusions at this point...

Pathetic... I can remember the bad, but never the good, I really am the worst... So yeah...just go, leave me be... I don't matter... I only mattered because I was probably one of the few who really wanted to help you here...

Eventually ended up falling for you somehow...

You're a mystery and I love it...

May your hopes, may your dreams come together, may you continue to have a lingering will that will fight on through life...

My will is just steadily declining, my own mind likes to dominate me with thoughts that shouldn't be thought up...

I hate it...

I'm sorry...

I'm sorry...

I'm sorry...

I'm sorry...

Let me die...

Just put my head in a little basket...

Just toss me off somewhere...

I want to get destroyed by you...

Stop...

You're not in control...

I know... Just let me die...

Thank you Azzy, for everything...

I'm sorry for being what I am... For what I became, for just giving up on myself... Nothing can ever come close to ever reigniting a flame ... I felt you were the one...

But I ... Must have been very, very wrong...

I'm always wrong...

I'm tired... Just kill me...

There is no hope... Just let me be forgotten...

Sorry... I'll just sleep ...

Does any of this matter? Do any of my thoughts matter? Do I matter?

Just put it down...

Sleep...

[hyperlexichypatia]

It's a little hyperbolic, but the top paragraph is actually almost an exact argument I had with a popular (and real human) Facebook page earlier that day.

And yes, I understand that sometimes people are deputized into babysitting duties against their will. But I have also seen a strange cultural shift where merely interacting with a child is presumed to be some sort of imposition of caregiving duties, even if the kid is accompanied by a parent/caregiver, or even if the kid is old enough to be out and about on their own. A 10 year old who wanders into your shop is not a caregiving duty being imposed on you; they're a customer like any other. Sell them a donut and send them on their way.

The second one is a little more hyperbolic but is absolutely a composite of multiple arguments and underlying attitudes I see on a regular basis: that the only reason an adult would socialize with a kid (or an adult younger than themself, since this worldview often overlaps with "young adults are still children") is sexual predation, because after all, why else would you be hanging out with a kid? What could you possibly have in common? And that it is somehow necessary for adults to make an active effort to avoid interacting with kids in order to avoid having sex with them. (As my partner put it, there's something wrong when you talk about "minors" the way Mike Pence talks about women.)

I believe you about the social pressure you experienced to have kids as a young adult. But that varies widely by cultural norms. For me and a lot of people, in our late teens/early 20s, we were still getting the "Don't RUIN YOUR LIFE by getting pregnant!" propaganda, and it only switched to the "Well, when are you having kids?" propaganda, nearly overnight, when I was about 27. Now that I'm in my late 30s and actively trying to get pregnant, I seem to get a lot of assumption that obviously I must have just chosen not to have kids and obviously it's too late for me now. It's all very strange. Now, I absolutely understand that this is highly variable by cultural norms, but I mention it because anti-young-parent stigma seems to be in a powerful feedback loop with anti-child sentiment between "young adults are still children" and "parenthood is inherently miserable and undesirable," so I see a lot of "It's so terrible that that 22 year old, who is Still A Child Herself, is ruining her life by having a baby, a Disgusting Crotch Goblin Parasite That No One Could Ever Actually Want, and if she says she does want that, it's because she's Just A Child Who Doesn't Know Any Better."

If childfree people don't stop framing children's personhood -- not even children's rights or liberation, just the objective fact of their basic humanity -- as either forced parenthood or pedophilia, I'm going to walk into the ocean.

"Children are people. Children are members of society. Children are due the same basic human respect and consideration as any other members of society you might incidentally interact with while existing as a human in a society."

"OMG, you can't FORCE ME to share a society with your disgusting crotch goblins! You can't MAKE ME interact with MINORS against my WILL! Why are YOU PERSONALLY coming to my house and dropping off your screaming disgusting brat and disappearing, never to be seen again, and FORCING me to become this kid's new mother, which is a real thing I am somehow at risk of!

"And what do you mean, 'children are people'? You mean people you want to have SEX with, you pervert!? Why do you want children to be in society so bad, huh? So you can have ACCESS to them? For SEX? If I so much as GLIMPSE someone who might be under 30, I run a mile in the other direction, so there's no chance of having sex with them! Because I'm NORMAL!"

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

I've got a question.

Tw: Single swear, casual ableism(?), inaccessibility, Christmas mention, divorce.

(I think that covers it.)

I live in an apartment right now, with my family. It's entirely too crowded, I'm getting overstimulated regularly, I have no space on my own, I can barely accss my room, the apartment is makeshift accessible, and I have no way of getting alone time short of somehow mustering energy I don't have to hide in the bathroom. I've also been waiting for a Service Dog in years but I can't get a dog right now because I'm not supposed to be here.

I have to run off during inspections and sometimes take stressed, loud cats with me, which overstimulates me heavily and ruins my entire schedule. (I'm autistic.). We can't currently buy a house because my step-dad somehow accidentally didn't fully finish a divorce, so buying one right now would mess up something with assets. Currently we're just waiting on a Court but with no reference for when we can expect that to be.

I've stayed in the same place for three years which is sucky because my brain has gotten used to a quickly moving environment (literally), + we can't adjust anything to make room for anything because we've adjusted to get basically all we can.

I'm stressed, I'm overstimulated, I'm consistently pissed off with the majority of my family, I'm trapped, and the only release is school, which is also a prison. We don't even have room to put up the Christmas Tree this year, which is extremely important to me but would block my access to the hallway - AKA the bathroom and bedroom.

My family is fine. My brothers can be ignorant, overstimulating, etc. sometimes, but never out of malice. My step-dad is consistently ignorant of my limits as a chronically ill mentally disabled person and makes me feel like crap on a semi-regular basis, but my mother usually comforts me and counters his claims. He also seems to prioritize his own wants over my needs a lot, adding to the pain of being here. He's nice, but this stuff pisses me off consistently, leading to overstimulation, trying to talk to him, him enforcing his believes, then loop.

Am I in a traumatizing environment? I realized while venting I felt extremely stressed and trapped, like how we had in previous traumatic situations, this time I just know how to get out and it's the fucking world saying no.

I don't know if I'm stepping on anyone's toes, I'm sorry if I am, but yeah. I wanted to ask. Sorry for the long one.

Hello anon! I appreciate you reaching out. Traumatising environments are largely dependent upon the individual and their support system in cases like this. If your current environment is making for feel anxious, scared, hopeless, unsafe, unloved, uncared for, or other feelings that often come with being traumatised, then I would say yes, and understandably so.

Not having your accessibility needs met, having to vacate the home on a whim, and some of the other things you mentioned can be quite traumatising for some, and the way you describe how you are feeling about it lead me to believe that it is something you are internalising in a traumatic manner.

Please know that your current situation does not have to be anyone's "fault," but that also does not mean it is not harmful or traumatising. It sounds as though your family is in an incredibly tight position, and they are attempting to do their best with what they have. Unfortunately, for reasons beyond their control it seems, their best cannot meet your needs at this moment, and I am truly sorry that you find yourself in this position.

I do hope that this answered your question, and that your family is able to move soon so that you all can have a better quality of life.

~Mod Night.

[funkymbtifiction]

Hi! Do you have any advice for an infp who struggles a lot with self-motivation? I have recently emerged from years of self defeating depression and I've slowly started to figure out what I want to do in life, but bridging the gap between where I am now and my goals looks like an impossible task. The thought of checklists and timetables makes me cringe SO much. I'm trying to find ways to think about it differently so it doesn't feel like pulling teeth, if that makes sense. [1/2]

Maybe what functions seem underdeveloped or imbalanced and what could I do about it? Thanks for reading! Also, I really enjoyed reading your other posts, specifically where you discuss the mechanics of Ne, so thank you for that too!  

(Higher Te gif.)

This is not unusual for NFPs in general and it shows a desire to develop Te but some uncertainty in knowing how to do so. Te is results oriented. And when it is lower in the stack, it has to fight against Ne’s desire not to be held back, hemmed in, or prevented from creative exploration. First, you need to allow yourself time to develop Te and allow yourself to make gradual progress.

Since Ne tends to lose interest when it plans too much ahead, I’d say have VAGUE goals for yourself. Instead of saying, “Do these things in this order by Friday” (UGH BORING LIST) say: “Get this done by Friday,” and leave yourself creativity in doing it (how you do it, when you do it, what challenge you set for yourself in doing it). You can even reward yourself or make it a game (if this is a boring thing you MUST do to achieve your goal and it doesn’t take much mental effort, how fast can you do it?).

Some of it is going to be learning self-discipline. Self-discipline is doing it anyway, because it needs done, and you are a responsible person. Whenever I feel unmotivated, I force myself to do it anyway. Life is not about constant engagement, inspiration, or being connected – and you often shape who and how you are to what you are doing. What do I mean by that? You are not motivated because you do not act like you are self-motivated. You do not call yourself self-motivated. You do not tell yourself that you are self-motivated. You do not DO self-motivation. So, start doing it, saying it, thinking it. Become it.

Allow yourself to be creative within your tasks, and to do things your own way. Fi needs individuality and Ne needs unique expression; if you do things the way everyone else does them, you will rebel. You need to explore and find out what motivates YOU – not what motivates other people.

I’ve found out in writing long books that take months of commitment, I do better to have vague plans for myself (not think too much ahead, but decide I’m doing this many words / chapters / pages this week), to be stubborn enough to stick to it and do it whether I feel like it or not (if the writing is meh as a result, I can fix it later by changing the setting / structure), and by writing down my progress at the end of the day. My Te likes to see PROGRESS on a regular basis (which is how I get frustrated, if I wind up “stuck” on a project and/or have to do parts of it … over… and over… and over). So I keep a notebook by my desk, and files in my computer, where I’ll say: Chapter Five: and write down character names once their sections are done. It “pleases me” to see that, and the next day I can look at it and say, “Okay, I’m four chapters in, this is good! Let’s write another one!” Seeing progress helps motivate me.

I also sometimes just… prepare myself in advance to do nothing but THIS all day and then stick to it. My mind rebels. It wanders. It tells me there’s more fun things to do. I argue and say no… tomorrow we can do those things. Today, we are getting this boring thing DONE. I just do it. Get it over with. And then I can go back to the fun parts. So, do what you do not want to do / what seems most boring / what sucks your creative FIRST. So you can get it over with and not be dreading it through the entire process. :P

You can also create dream boards of what you want from life and keep them around / look at them for constant motivation. Also, allow yourself freedom of creativity in other areas. If you are working toward this goal – great! Now give yourself permission to: socialize with friends, read new things on unrelated topics, explore new things, and delve deeper … because if you do not keep your Ne activated while you work toward your goals, you will start to fall into Fi/Si loops and enter further depressive periods. Ne needs NEWNESS. All the time. Know that. Give yourself permission to do it. And let your goals change over time and develop. You are not stuck on this road forever.

You can do it. And you can find your own way to do it. Just… explore.

- ENFP Mod

[yeoldontknow]

You don't have to answer these if you don't want to, or if you've explained before! But I'm curious, what do you love most about exo, and why is chanyeol your bias?? ❤️

hello sweet anon!! oh my gosh. this is such a cute ask. ahh~~ i love it. i haven't really talked about why i love EXO; have definitely waxed poetic about chanyeol, both sober and drunk.

i've waxed poetic about PCY, but i would be a terrible stan if i didn't talk about him every time as though it's the first. chanyeol deserves only the best ok. ️

all of this will be under the cut because i ended up doing this on the train and wrote for about 45 minutes lmao

i think what first attracted me to exo was how influenced by R&B they are. obviously i'm aware this is really because of the label/umbrella they operate under. they're kind of at the mercy of management when it comes to producers/songwriters, however there have been loads of times where they've been solo (or featured) and creating music within the genre. or, if you're Do Kyungsoo, sitting in a car singing musiq soulchild like it's nothing.

pcy has been writing his own music for a while, and there's always a R&B/slightly soul feel about it - even the tone he uses in his ballads is rooted slightly in blues cadences, which is one of my all time fave genres. having been lucky enough to see exo live, i can honestly say mostly i was impressed by how diverse they are. i love artists that never sound the same, every album is different and/or influenced by different styles.

again, they are at the mercy of management for this, but the production on every album is incredible. i can't really say it's a cut above the rest of kpop because i have only recently started being a fan of the genre, but the mixing and mastering on each record is unreal. sometimes, it puts me off. it sounds TOO produced; other times, it's refreshing to hear something so clean. the levels are always pretty perfect - i'm not a recording engineer, so this really is just my opinion.

i'm sure this is a more detailed answer than you were expecting, but i literally live and breathe music. exo were my gateway drug into kpop and i genuinely would not have stayed if i couldn't have them flow seamlessly in a playlist of all the other things i listen to on a regular basis.

and now for why i love chanyeol.

here's the thing: i love talent. i love that he decides to do something and then does it. he wants to learn how to bowl? off he goes and does it. he wants to learn to play a moog synth? there he go! there's a lot of wonderful things packed even just in this, so let me pull them apart.

his steadfast devotion to ambition.

his inability to suppress his passion.

his relentless desire to learn.

his fearless ability to try literally anything at least once.

these are insanely admirable qualities to have in a person. he plays so many instruments, sings, learns sports, tries his best at dancing, devotes himself to songwriting, all because of the three things above. he talks about music like it's his soul because it is his soul. he knows he could likely anything, and, therefore, is willing to try everything. when he commits his brain to something, he makes it happen, and that's something i try to do in my everyday life.

then we have his unwavering kindness. his unyielding desire to spread love and happiness. he wants to make those around him laugh. he wants to take care of those around him - the most important people in his life are spoiled to hell.

then we have his ability to be human. he openly admits that when things get difficult, and he feels pressured, he cries. sure, he does his best to keep it from his members but his reason for doing so stems from the above: he doesn't want to burden them/he knows they're going through the same shit he is/and he'd rather make them smile when he's with them than make them sad. that he even admits to being open with his emotions is a humble, beautifully human thing to do, and i find it impossible not to admire that.

he's also the first to support the other members in all their endeavors. he's basically kai's biggest fan. junmyeon released a solo song? he did an insta live playing the damn thing on loop. ksoo has terrible eyesight which makes it look like he's glaring at everyone and literally scared the other members into submission? chanyeol was the first to talk to him, go to dinner with him, and walk him home. he bought the entire band gaming computers so they could play a game as a team and bond in a different way.

also: don't get me started on how the boy is allergic to cats, yet found a stray cat on location at a shoot and went out of his way to buy it food/pet it/love it.  

again. i'm sure these are way more details than you ever would have asked for, but my love for Ultimate Bias Park Chanyeol is honestly unlimited. i am stopping myself because i feel like i should, not because i've run out of things to say.

it's easy to say any member of a group or band deserves love - of course they do! but, for me, chanyeol is the embodiment of love, kindness, humble connection, and unfailing acceptance of the fact that he is only human. there's a lot to admire in him while also an ability to see his flaws - and i love those flaws because they make him who he is. he has a lot to learn because he is young and here's what's exciting: he will learn it because he simply doesn't seem to stop.

tl;dr i really like exo, but i love and, most importantly, respect Park Chanyeol with every fiber of my weak heart.