#my brain is just one big ol dead end suggestion box

[unofficialkfamtranscripts]

King Falls AM - Episode 9: Jack in the Box Jesus

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Summary: September 1, 2015 - An alleged sighting of the Lord & Savior at a downtown fast food restaurant has the residents of King Falls ready for deliverance, meanwhile Sammy & Ben try to navigate the flood waters of this revelation.

[podcast intro music]

Mayor Grisham Ladies and gentlemen, I promise you that while it is a terrible inconvenience that our modern electronics are out— this is not the end of the world. It could be a refreshing change of pace! Instead of reading, on your tablet, go down to the King Falls library, and check out the real thing! Instead of texting your BFF, go enjoy some pancake puppies at Rose’s! and have a face-to-face chat. This isn’t as bad as it seems— and it could be a blessing in disguise.

[KFAM intro music]

Sammy Good morning guys and dolls, you’re listening to King Falls AM—

Ben —That’s 660 on the radio dial.

Sammy And this is day 13 of what has been dubbed the King Falls Electrolocaust.

Ben This has easily been the hardest two weeks of my professional career.

Sammy It has been tough, but Ben and I want to thank you, and everyone out there listening, for the continuing support of the show.

Ben We got another doozy of a show for you tonight, King Falls. During hour two, we’ll be interviewing Maria Chandler, manager of the King Falls Apple store, and speaking about the effects the shut down has had on business.

Sammy As well as fielding your calls and talking about whatever’s clever this evening.

Ben I miss computers, Sammy. I miss the schedule. Our automated systems, my alarm clock. I’ve went through three the legal pads in two weeks!

Sammy [sympathetic] I know, buddy.

Ben I would literally watch Channel 13 if given the chance.

Sammy Wow. That’s saying a lot.

Ben [softly] I need my life back.

Sammy King Falls, how are you taking the modern electronic shut down of 2015? Are you refreshed? Reliving the mid-90s? Or— are you falling apart like our dear Ben Arnold?

Ben I’d listen to boy bands, to have a working smartphone. I’d wear, puka shell necklaces and sell my pog collection,[1] if you give me five minutes with my email.

Sammy Look on the bright side, Ben. You’re spending all your free time down at the library, and I haven’t called you out on it!

Ben That’s calling me out on it.

Sammy Eh-Well- and you know it’s nice hearing the birds tweeting instead of @kingfallsam. I’m not saying I don’t miss it but, I’m enjoying this a little bit.

Ben ♫It’s tearing up my heart when I’m with yoouu♫[2]

Sammy The references are not gonna bring back your goods.

Ben [hurt] Dammit Sammy, let’s just take a call from our jury-rigged phone system.

[bg music being provided by Chet’s record player]

Sammy You’re live with Sammy and Ben.

Cynthia Yeeaah, I wanna talk about the outages.

Sammy Cynthia Higgenbaum, ladies and gents. How are you doing during this electronic crisis?

Cynthia [blissful] I feel the warm embrace of the chastity belt that’s been placed on society. I’m relieved, de-stressed, marvelous!

Ben *chuckling* Whoa, heh, that’s- that’s a heck of a change!

Cynthia [suddenly aggressive] What are you trying to say, Ben?

Sammy It’s just you’re usually- you’ve been a little… pessimistic in the past.

Cynthia [mostly calm again] Ohhh, I still have problems; I’m full up with issues. But right now, I don’t have to worry about what websites my husband is perusing, what brain-dead TV my kids are watching— I’m at peace! It’s just me and my harlequin novels. Plus, with Jesus back and all—

Ben [jokingly suggestive] 50 Shades of Cynthia

Cynthia [angrily] Don’t be filthy Ben Arnold! I Know Your Mother!

Sammy I-I’m sorry, Cynthia— did you just say that Jesus is back?

Cynthia [gossipy tone] Have you guys not heard the news?

Ben Is she talking about Jesus Jesus?

Cynthia There’s only one.

Sammy Wellll, I think Mexico would disagree, but please tell us why you think Jesus—

Cynthia [snappy] I don’t think Sammy, I know! [softer] Earlier this evening, he was spotted glowing and speaking in tongues at Jack in the Box.[3]

Ben The one off Main Street or Red Oak Avenue?

Cynthia Ew, nobody does to Red Oak.

Sammy [softly] Jack-in-the-Box-Jesus.

Cynthia Oh, Hell no! I will not participate in that blasphemy. You’re gonna get smited—

Sammy Oh, I- I mean- I wasn’t- I’m sorry, I’m not meaning to, uh—

Cynthia Tell it to Satan! In Hell, Sammy! [hangs up forcefully]

[dial tone]

Ben This is big.

Sammy [slightly reluctant] If you or someone you know has had a sighting of *clears throat, Ben laughs* Jack in the Box Jesus please give us a call. Uh, 424-279-3858

Ben You’re on King Falls AM.

Deputy Troy Now I know what you’re thinking: how could the second coming of God’s only son happen and ol’ Troy here didn’t clue you in.

Ben Not what I was thinking.

Sammy What do you know Troy?

Deputy Troy Well I got a suspicious persons call out at ol’ Yack[sic] in the Box around 9. So, I hit the lights and cruised over to see what the fuss was about. And lo and behold, back by the dumpster with a mess of people looking on— there he was.

Sammy Now, are you really telling us that— [still reluctant] you saw, or, you believe you saw the son of God and the King of Kings bangin around outside the Jack In The Box?

Deputy Troy Well, he was a man. Somebody’s son, no doubt. Bearded. Good lookin’, if-if you’re into that sort of thing. He had a robe on—

Ben [cutting in]We can solve this right now. Was he white or was he black?

Deputy Troy He was more of a greenish color. Like a glow really.

Sammy The man had an aura around him.

Deputy Troy It was shinier than a damn Fukushima foxhound, fellas. Like, I felt a need to put on the old aviators, but I- I didn’t want to be cliché.

Sammy Alright, Troy. So, work with us here; you’re in the back of the Jack in the Box, there’s a uh, a Jesus-type guy—

Deputy Troy Just-a-ramblin’ on.

Ben Speaking in— tongues?

Deputy Troy Speaking in somethin. The last time I heard gibberish like that was comin’ from the back of my Chevy with Shell Snyder’s daughter.

Sammy So what happened next?

Deputy Troy Well a group of looky-loos had descended, as I said, and since it was only me, there was no perimeter set up yet. So I start ta approach this glowing Christ and somebody— Roy Higgins if you gotta know/— hollered out “It’s Jesus!” and the whole parking lot just went bonkers!

Ben Well, di-did you speak to the guy?

Deputy Troy Damn skippy. I told Roy that this was official police biz. And he shouldn’t be squawling around like a little baby.

Ben No, Jack in the Box Jesus.

Deputy Troy Oh, well no. I- I turned around and he was gone. Split right off into the woods, I suspect.

Sammy Did you follow him?

Deputy Troy Sammy. So you’re tellin me that you’d follow a 6-foot-tall and glowing perp into the woods??

Sammy [muttered] Point taken.

Ben So any other sightings?

Deputy Troy Well, not as of yet. But there were so many people they could’a had a revival in that parkin’ lot. So I’m guessin’ that’s how word spread so quickly. And without internet, too? That’s pretty damn impressive.

Sammy Is there an APB out or anything?

Deputy Troy For what, dilly-dallying around with a jumbo jack? He wasn’t doin nothin bad. Just acting a fool— Lord forgive me— where he shouldn’t’a been.

Ben And glowing.

Deputy Troy That’s right.

Sammy Well, please let us know if get any more info on this, Troy. We’d appreciate it.

Deputy Troy You bet. I’ll be sure to keep you boys and the listenin’ public informed. But if you should happen to stumble upon Jesus? Do not approach, bother or pester. You just call up Ol’ Deputy Troy.

[hangs up]

Ben …or your local church. [dial tone]

Sammy Deputy Troy, ladies and gents. Now we’re just going to take a quick break and hear from one of our new sponsors: Carl’s Candy!

Ben Yeah I don- I don’t think we should play this

Sammy What? Ads pay the bills remember?

Ben Folks, as a workaround with all the tech issues, uh, I went out and recorded a few spots of some of our sponsors- uh, new and old. Emphasis on Old, after this one.

Sammy Okay, so the audio is bad.

Ben *sucks in breath* You could say that.

Sammy This company’s paid up! They’re scheduled in one of your many notebooks. Let’s do this. We’ll be right back folks.

[slow, creepy xylophone music]

Carl [voice is soft and creepy, like you expect from a guy who offers kids candy from the back of a van] Do you know why they call it a blow pop? I sure do. And if you come on down to Creepy Carl’s Candy, I’ll fill ya up! I mean in. [whispering] It’ll be our little secret.- A sweet tooth is a terrible thing to waste. Come find a new sugar daddy to butter your fingers at Creepy Carl’s! Come in and grab a sack of Carl’s Boston baked beans while you’re at it. Oops, one fell in my pocket. Free if you can find it! *Ben groaning “oh no”* Every child’s welcome at Creepy Carl’s, big mouths, small mouths, white mouths and brown mouths. We’re equal opportunity! And just cause they shut down the ol’ brick and mortar doe’n’t mean you can’t buy it from my van. Be sure to ask your parents’ permission first, kids. Creepy Carl’s Candy, where the suckers don’t suck themselves. [Police sirens]

Deputy Troy [through megaphone] Carl, turn off your ignition. You are too close to the school zone.

Carl I gotta go! Catch ya later [tires squealing]

Ben [desperate, in bg] The mic!

[sirens fade out]

Sammy … Never again.

Ben I tried to tell you.

Sammy I know. Let’s never speak about this.

Ben [whispering] I need a shower.

Sammy *sigh* …Moving forward, we were just talking about a sighting that happened a few hours ago around the 9 o’clock hour, just off Main Street. It seems quite a few people believe that we may be experiencing a religious phenomenon. Perhaps the second coming of–

Ben [slightly gruff impression] “Don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been here for years!”[4]

Sammy *chuckles* Right, let’s go to the phone lines.

Ben [happily] That was good though right?

Sammy It was good. Good evening, you’re live on King Falls AM.

Reverend Hawthorne Ask and ye shall receive! King Falls-uh. It is the gooD Reverend Xavier “Right. With. Gaawwd-uh” Hawthorne.

Ben Reverend Hawthorne? Are you back in town?

Reverend Hawthorne [speaking over Ben] The One and Only, and we are turnin’ the wagons arounD as we speaK-uh. And we’re headin’ back to my flocK-uh. How’re y’all feelin’ tonighT, King Falls- I said How are you, Feelin’!

Sammy [softly] We’re feeling alright.

Reverend Hawthorne Praise GoD-uh! Hallelujah! Now a little birdie, uh-just chirp’n on my shoulder, told me there was a SighTing. A Vision. Dare I say it, eyeballs were laid on our Lord and Saviour at a burger joint in our fair city.

Sammy Yeah, about 9 o’clock here.

Reverend Hawthorne Could it Be-uh! that our 5-week-revival worked. Could it Be-uh! that our prayers have been brought forth the lamb of God-uh. Can I get an amen!

Ben Reverend Hawthorne we—

Reverend Hawthorne Amen! This miracle-uh, this sight from our God-uh, perched on a Mountain of Sanctity, says that he is ready to lead-uh, his most Highly Favored, Congregation bacK to the promised land. Gimme some organ, Deacon Reggie [organ music begins playing in bg]

Sammy [aside] Do you think Reggie has to wheel that thing around just in case?

Ben This is getting good.

Reverend Hawthorne Play it dirty, brother. We are going Home-uh. Take us back to Calvary, take us BACK-uh! … Samuel, Benjamin may I ask you gentlemen if you have a relationship-uh with the Author of the E-ternal Sal-vation; [organ goes silent] [softly] are ya saved?

Sammy I’m—

Reverend Hawthorne Then let me tell y’all, [organ starts again] because if you aren’t-uh, I’m coming back to town. One weekend only, the Xavier “Right with GoD-uh” Hawthorne Experience will be wheelin’ bacK into King Falls Fairgrounds this very night-uh. We are hoping to get One- On- One with the Risen Christ and start preparin’ for Kingdom Come. But just like old Xavier, you gotta come on down-uh so we can get you TurnT uP With GoD-uh. [click, dial tone]

Sammy Xavier? Hello?

Ben He’s, gone. Sammy.

Sammy Well, you heard it here first folks. Xavier Hawthorn’s Travelling Roadshow is coming back to town. Will Jack in the Box Jesus make his stage debut?

Ben [muttering] Tch- Jesus.

Sammy Literally.

Ben Do you think we could get an interview? Would it be Mr. Christ? Or-

Sammy Something tells me that there is something more to the story than what we’ve heard so far, Ben.

Ben Tsk. I get that, but this is King Falls, Sammy.

Sammy What a perfect place to make a return: a rinky-dink town with no internet.

Ben Line- [muttered] dammit, there’s only one line. Uh, you’re on with Sammy and Ben.

Archie Good evenin’ fellas!

[small dogs barking in bg]

Sammy Is thi-

Archie It’s Archie Simmons!

Ben He-ey Archie, how’s Princess Von Barktooth?

Archie Well, I do have news concernin’ the princess, and I just want to possibly recant some info from our previous call a few weeks back.

Sammy About the werewolves?

Archie Correct.

Sammy Wow. I mean, you sounded pretty convinced that you saw a werewolf.

Archie And now I’m saying that maybe I was misinformed.

Sammy I think you should probably tell Troy and the Sheriff’s Office, Archie.

Archie *giggles* You silly Sally, Troy’s on his way over now

Ben Why the change of heart, Archie?

Archie Well, new information has come to light boys, I mean with the Divine One making his triumphant, and let’s be honest, dramatic return to King Falls.

Sammy You’re talking about the glowing man at the Jack in the Box?

Archie [softly] Let’s be real here, it’s the J-Man, of course a heavenly carpenter would pick King Falls. So many projects to keep busy with.

Sammy [dryly] Uh-huh.

Archie Plus, with the princess and this new information, we have to believe this.

Ben You keep saying that, what’s going on with the princess Archie?

Archie She’s in a delicate condition.

Sammy Oh, of course. I mean she’s been through a lot.

Archie *giggles* No Sammy, I mean she’s with child. Ch-children. Puppies? There’s a bun in my $2400 oven boys!

Sammy Wait. She’s pregnant? From the werewolf attack?!

Archie [softly again] Well, that’s the thing. While I believed in my heart of hearts that the hillbilly beast from the trailer park had gotten to the princess, I think…

Ben What. What do you think Archie?

Archie I mean it was dark, I know it was a full moon but I was scared and recently awakened, sleep in my eyes etc. and so on.

Sammy You don’t think it was the werewolves.

Archie I’m thinking with this new evidence and the fact that I saw a long-haired, bearded man in a Biblical Act— Yeah I-I- I think- there’s a chance it could have been [whispering] the man upstairs.

Ben [stern] Upstairs from whom?

Archie Mankind! Come on Ben, get with the picture!

Sammy He’s saying that because there’s been a holy sighting tonight- which we should all be a little bit doubtful of- then maybe it wasn’t the werewolves, but the Alpha and the Omega.

Ben No! NO WA- That’s too much, Archie. You saw the werewolf. He looked you in the eye and howled at the moon.

Archie I don’t know what kind of weird things Jesus is into.

Ben No way. This is ludicrous.

Archie You just wait and see Ben! The princess may have lost her Westminster dreams, but it was all part of God’s plan.

Ben We’ve got to go Archie *laughs* you’re crossing a line that we cannot cross at King Falls AM.

Archie Judge Not, lest ye be judged boys. Kardashians[sic] 3:16 or a Psalm or something. I think Troy’s coming around the bend anyways boys, laters!

[click, dial tone]

Sammy You know? When I walk in the door every night I say to myself, “Nothing’s gonna surprise me tonight” And more times than not, I am just Dead Wrong.

Ben Let’s give the phone a rest for a moment, Sammy, the record player is just begging to be used.

Sammy *chuckles* Not a bad idea Ben.

[phone pings]

Ben What? *gasps* My phone! [several pings] OHH it’s back baby!

Sammy Me too! What’s going on?

[pinging continues]

Ben What’s up! Oh my God, I could literally kiss the apparition of Steve Jobs.

Sammy Hey, I’ve got a text here, Unknown Number.

Ben Okay, what does it say?

Sammy “I- I know why this happened. I know how to stop it. We need to talk“

Ben What?

Sammy No, that’s what the text said.

Ben You don’t think this has anything to do with… Thank You, Jesus.

[KFAM outro]

[CREDITS]

References:

[1] Pogs - Pogs, generically called milk caps, is a game that was popular among children during the early-mid 1990s. The name pog originates from POG, a brand of juice made from passionfruit, orange, and guava; the use of POG bottle caps to play the game preceded the game's commercialization.

[2] “It’s tearin’ up my heart when I’m with you” - Lyrics to the song “Tearin’ Up My Heart” by NSYNC, an American boy band from the mid-90s

[3] Jack in the Box - American fast food chain, primarily along the west coast and southern states.

[4] “Don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been here for years” - lyrics to the song “Mama Said Don’t Knock You Out” by LL COOL J (also came out in the 90s)

[trashyswitch]

The Roaring 20′s

New Years Eve is finally here, and the Egos have opened up the bar to party! Chase, Jackie, Shawn and Henrik end up getting a little too drunk, and JJ and Marvin have to keep things under control.

Thankfully, everyone seems to be happy, playful and silly right now. This could be easy!...right?

There's a few swears in this fanfic. Just be warned.

It's New Years Eve, and the Egos have opened up the bar for some good ol' fashioned partying! A little known fact about Jamie: He is an AMAZING bartender! He can come up with those well-known alcoholic blends on the fly! How? He simply memorized them from working full-time as a bartender for many years, before his entertainment career took off! So, Jamie was volunteering behind the counter, serving up the Ego's favorite drinks. He was also keeping in mind how much each ego was drinking. Knowing Chase, he might end up overdoing it. Shawn was known for overdoing the drinks as well, so he'd have to keep an eye on both of them. Thankfully, Marvin didn't appear to be drinking very much. Telling by the cup in his hand, Marvin was most likely drinking something. But it was barely anything compared to the other Egos.

"Hey Jamie, my man! Can I have one of those Jack and cokes please?" Chase asked. Jamie smiled, nodded his head and took his glass back. He placed a few ice cubes into the glass, dumped some Jack Daniel's whiskey into the glass, and filled the rest of it with Coca Cola. Then, he handed it to Chase and put the lid back onto the Jack Daniel's.

"Thanks! You're the best! How long have you been bartending for?" Chase asked, taking a sip of his cocktail.

'35 years.' Jamie signed back. Chase choked on his drink.

"How old are you again?!" Chase asked, wide-eyed. Jamie laughed, and clapped his hands in amusement.

'Do you really wanna know?' Jamie asked, still silently laughing in both amusement and embarrassment.

"Yeah! How old are ya?" Chase repeated. Jamie shook his head with a big smile on his face.

'Older than I look, that's for sure.' Jamie replied.

"Aw, come on man! Specify!" Chase whined.

Jamie bursted out into another fit of laughter. He took a moment to calm down, before answering his question. 'Honestly? Older than the World War II survivors. I should be dead.' Jamie replied, before falling into another fit of laughter. Chase's face went pale, as he slowly, and awkwardly, placed his drink down on the coaster in front of him.

"Jesus...You're older than most of the boomers that are still living..." Chase muttered.

Jamie sighed. "Uncultured millennial's..." Jamie joked.

Chase gasped, causing Jamie to burst out laughing once again. "HEY! How DARE you make fun of me! I'll have you know, that the millennial's are the most well-behaved generation so far!" Chase argued.

'Is that true? Or is that just your biased opinion?' Jamie asked.

"He's right." Henrik butted in. "Millennial's are zhe most vell-behaved generation, according to scientists." Henrik clarified.

'Well, I'm not surprised. My generation was drinking, partying and having sex every evening.' Jamie mentioned.

"That's true." Chase agreed.

"And surprizingly, not a lot has changed, over zhe years..." Henrik muttered, before sipping on his drink. Jamie giggled at Henrik's last remark.

15 minutes later:

"Hey guys! I have a funny idea! Let's watch Unus Annus on YouTube! I'd like to see what kind of hilarious content is going up on that!" Chase suggested excitedly.

"Oh dear god...Not ZHIS again!" Henrik sighed, rubbing his nose.

Jamie clapped his hands, and pointed both index fingers at Chase. 'Let's do it!' Jamie signed excitedly.

"I'll get it ready!" Jackie yelled, running to Chase's room to grab the computer and the HDMI cord.

In a few minutes, all 6 egos were sitting on chairs in the living room, flipping through the channel and its content.

"Which one? We've got loooots of content to watch!" Chase asked.

"OOH! COOKING WITH-"

"NEIN! VE ARE NOT VATCHING ZHAT VONE!" Henrik interrupted Jackie.

"Awww...you're no fun..." Jackie whined.

"What about turning Ethan into a mummy?" Chase suggested.

"Sure!" Shawn replied.

'Good choice!' Jamie signed.

"Okay. Zhat's user friendly." Henrik replied.

Chase turned on the video, and sat down.

[After the year long countdown played, Ethan started describing what he wanted his body to be mummified with, and surrounded by. Soon, the pair found a Ted Talk on making a Mummy.

"Are you gonna have to put your hand in my mouth?!" Ethan asked in surprise and horror.

"Oooh yeah." Mark said in a smooth voice.

"Noooooo..." Ethan said in a monotone voice.]

"I don't like how sexy that sounded..." Marvin admitted. Chase bursted out laughing at the remark.

[The narrator started explaining the process, telling Mark and Ethan about the spike hammered into the skull, the mashing of the brain, flushing it from the nose, and the pouring of the tree resin into the skull.

"It's a Neti Pot!" Ethan exclaimed.

"What?!" Mark reacted to Ethan's remark.

"We've done step three already!" Ethan added. Mark bursted out in deep laughter.]

"What- when did they do that?" Shawn asked.

"They used a Neti Pot in a previous video." Chase explained.

"It's a nose-cleansing device. You put it in your right nostril, it runs through zhe right nostril, and out zhe left nostril." Henrik explained.

Jamie's facial expression turned to horror, as he covered his nose and mouth in pure horror. Chase laughed at Jamie's reaction, before looking back at the video.

[The duo discover through doing the Unus Annus videos, they've already done the first few steps of mummification.]

"I feel like we're skipping a few videos by choosing this one..." Shawn commented.

"Kinda, but not really." Chase replied.

[Mark comments on how Ethan speaks normally off camera.

"You're like uh, you're like uh...Yu-Gi-Oh! You're like Yu-Gi-Oh! When you open the EGYP-TIAN...pyramid-"

Ethan's hair gets covered by a PNG image of Yu-Gi-Oh's hair, and the background slowly changes to an action-based animation from the Yu-Gi-Oh anime.

"-Turn into another person!" Mark finishes.

"It's...all connected." Ethan exclaims, clapping the bottom of his right hand, over the palm of his left hand.]

Jamie, Jackie and Chase all laughed at the Yu-Gi-Oh transformation.

["How are we gonna do the first steps?" Ethan asked, as he laid on the table.

"I am going to suck out your brain, with this patented brain sucker." Mark replied, showing Ethan the box that said NOSEFRIDA on the front.

"OH! MY GOD!" Ethan yelled, in silly horror.]

"Hahahaha! Zhat's PERFECT!" Henrik laughed.

"What is it?" Marvin asked.

"He explains it." Chase replied.

["This is meant to suck the snot out of baby's noses." Mark explained.]

"Oh...OH NO!" Marvin exclaimed, laughing in slight horror.

["What if I..." Mark said, before walking away. "I'll be right back." Mark said, leaving through the white door on the right.

Suddenly, Mark came barreling into the room, with a sucking device, shaped like a gun.

"DON'T put it in your nose, if it's going in mine!" Ethan warned. "Now remember: The safe word is please." Ethan said, making Mark laugh.]

"OH GOD NO!" Jackie reacted, covering his mouth and nose with his hands.

[After a first attempt, it was discovered that Mark, will certainly, have to do it himself.

"Fine. I will SUCK! THE FUCK! out of your brains!" Mark declared, bending down to his knees.]

Marvin and Jamie laughed at that.

[Mark put the end of the tube in his mouth, and started sucking.]

Chase gasped. "EWW! OHOHO MY GAHAHAD!" Chase shouted, laughing in pure disgust.

"That's DISGUSTING!" Jackie exclaimed.

"Do people have to actually do that to their babies?!" Marvin asked.

"Yup! I've done it once. But, it's a lot less uncomfortable when it's your baby. When a MAN, is sucking the SNOT out of ANOTHER MAN, THAT'S A WHOLE OTHER STORY!" Chase replied.

[After the sucking part, Mark and Ethan moved onto the guts part.

"I think, for you, more than just your heart is is the seed of your soul. I think your tum tum-" "I think your gutty wutty's-" "Livvy witty-" "Panc-wee-essy-" Mark cooed. Ethan bursted out in flustered giggles]

"Hahaha! That's adowable!" Chase cooed.

Jamie's face turned slightly red. 'Stop.' Jamie signed.

"What? Why? Are you embawassed? Is de wittwe boy embawassed?" Chase asked in a baby voice.

Jamie covered his face in embarrassment, and nodded.

"Awww! That's SOOO adowable! Where are those dimples? I wanna see those dimples!" Chase cooed, wiggling his fingers to further tease the man.

Jamie removed his hands to sign. 'Stop please!" Jamie signed.

"THERE'S those adowable dimples! I see them! Oh yes, I see them!" Chase cooed, poking and squeezing Jamie's cheeks.

Jamie, already embarrassed as it is, was now getting his cheeks squeezed like a baby?! That's taking it to another level. Even though he was a father who knew how to tease a person to oblivion, Jamie still knew how to embarrass Chase back. Jamie reached his hands out, and skittered his fingers under Chase's armpits.

"AHAHA! SHIT! NOHO! JA-HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Chase bursted out loudly, bouncing back, and feeling his back hit the couch with a thump. Jamie took advantage of the situation and continued his tickle attack.

"Ooooh! Looks like Jamie's got the upper hand! Let's see how long THIS lasts!" Jackie cheered.

Shawn, who giggling at the sight, quietly got up behind the dapper boy and squeezed Jamie's sides. Jamie squealed in surprise, and giggled as Shawn start spidering his fingers on his sides. However, Jamie wasn't giving up so easily...Jamie reached his hands behind him, and felt his hands touch someone's knee. sensing who's it was, Jamie smirked, wrapped his fingers around the top of his knee and squeezed.

"AH! Gahahad dahahahamn ihihit!" Shawn let out, letting go and falling into a puddle of giggles. Jamie quickly whipped himself around, lifted up Shawn's leg and skittered his fingers under Shawn's knee.

"BAHAhahahahaha! Yohohohou suhuhuhuhuhuck!" Shawn yelled, bursting into even more laughter.

Jamie's choice to ignore Chase, ended up being a big mistake. Because before Jamie could stop it, Chase had grabbed his ankle, pulled off his shoe, and started scratching his socked foot. Jamie's whole body jolted, before dropping the leg and attempting to scoot away and pull his foot free. But Jamie had fallen into a trap! He had scooted himself into Shawn's arms! Shawn pushed his arms through Jamie's armpits, and held him down.

"Now Chase! Get 'em!" Shawn commanded quickly. Chase wasted no time, as he continued scratching and wiggling his fingers on specific spots on his foot. Jamie arched his back and silently laughed as a bad spot on his foot was attacked wildly. Refusing to get stuck like this forever, Jamie kept his back arched and got ready to reach his hands back.

All of a sudden, Chase moved his fingers to the inner arch of Jamie's foot. Uh oh! Not good! Jamie threw his head back as the new spot was scratched, and wounded up delaying his attack for a couple seconds. With his mind focused once again, Jamie reached his hands behind him.

"Oh no you don't!" Shawn warned, wrapping his arms around Jamie's to stop him. However, That ended up helping Jamie in the long run! Jamie felt for somewhere on his sides. Feeling his hands touch Shawn's hips, he wasted no time and drilled his fingers right into Shawn's hips.

"AAAH! WAIT! JAHAHAHAMIE! NAHAHAHAHAHOHOHOHOHOHO!" Shawn bursted out, falling into a fit of hysterical laughter.

Chase stopped for a moment. "What- How are you so flexible?!" Chase exclaimed, unable to relate.

Shawn, who was still trying to keep Jamie detained, tried to stay focused on holding onto him, while Jamie attacked his worst spot. Though, he wasn't making it easy for him. Jamie had fallen into a pattern of wiggling, and drilling. Wiggling, and drilling. continuing his drilling, before switching to wiggling. He stayed wiggling for a little while, before drilling AND wiggling at the same time.

"JAHAHAHAMIHIHIE! PLEHEHEHEASE! I CAHAHAN'T TAHAHAHAKE IHIHIHIT!" Shawn pleaded.

"I think the only way you're getting out of this one, is by letting go of the guy." Marvin commented, snickering at Jamie's shit-eating grin.

Jamie winked at Marvin, before he switched tactics from wiggling in the hollows of his hips, to drilling his ring fingers into the back of his hips.

"WAHAHAIT! NOHOHOT THERE! NOT THEHEHEHERE!" Shawn shouted.

Jamie changed from drilling, to wiggling. He wiggled, and wiggled and wiggled, until he switched to his middle fingers from the first set getting tired.

"WAI- SHIHIHIHIHIT! OKAHAHAHAY! OHOHOKAHAHAHAY!!" Shawn shouted, removing his arms as quick as possible, and flopping his arms above his head in surrender. Jamie tried to get off the couch, but ended up falling off the couch due to his foot still being stuck. His head and his back was against the ground, while his feet were still on the couch. His right foot was sitting there lazily, while his left foot was still captured by Chase's hand.

"Ouch...How did that feel?" Chase asked, referring to his head. Jamie rolled his eyes and gave him the middle finger.

"Bahahaha! Yeah! Go give yourself a fuck, Chase!" Marvin yelled. Henrik guffawed and covered his mouth, remembering the game the quote was from. Chase's jaw dropped, as he turned his head to Marvin.

"How about you shut your mouth before I shut it for you?" Chase threatened, jumping up, and sprinting to take down Marvin.

"Wha- WaitwaitWAITWAIT WAIT! CHASE! I'M SORRY! DO-" Chase picked up Marvin, placed his back onto the back of the couch, and pushed him over. Marvin's body did a full 180, before his head landed on the couch seat, and his legs rested on the back of the couch. Marvin was essentially sitting upside down on the couch. For Chase, that was exactly what he wanted. Chase grabbed Marvin's ankles and readied them under his arm.

"What are you even doing? Play wrestling? OoooOOOHHH GOHOHOD! AW COHOHOME OHOHOHON, MAHAHAN!" Marvin yelled, bursting into laughter as the soles of his feet were being scratched by Chase's fingers.

"Hey! You started it with your Little Misfortune bologna. I'm just returning the favor!" Chase shot back, scratching on the underside of his heel. Marvin's laughter turned to cackles, as he shook his head and flailed his arms. Chase had him in a position where, if he wanted revenge, he was gonna need a lot of core strength. Unfortunately for him, that was one thing he lacked.

Not only that, but during his squirming, Marvin's shirt had fallen down a bit, exposing his belly a little bit. Henrik, who was sitting right beside the upside down laughing magician, couldn't help but smile and lift his right hand up to the exposed tummy.

"Somevone's got a cute leetle tummy, I see. Boop! Boop boop boop!" Henrik complimented, giving his belly and his belly button a few pokes and scratches.

"HEHEHEHEHEY! NOHOHOT YOU TOOHOHOHOHOHO! THIHIHIS IHIHIS UHUHUNFAHAHAHAHAIR!" Marvin yelled through his laughter. He tried to cover up his stomach, but Henrik grabbed his wrists and pushed them against the couch cushion. With his dominant hand, he continued to skitter his fingers on Marvin's tummy.

"PLEHEHEHEHEHEASE!" Marvin begged.

"Please vhat? Please tickle you more? Alright! Shawn?" Henrik said, turning his head towards Shawn. "Do you have a paint brush vizh you?" Henrik asked.

Shawn smiled, and pulled a paintbrush out of his pocket. "Always do." Shawn said, throwing the paintbrush his way. Henrik caught it.

"Zhanks!" Henrik said, before dipping the paintbrush into his belly button.

“AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NOOOHOHOHOHOHO!” Marvin begged, squirming his belly to get away from the paintbrush. However, the paintbrush would only follow his squirming and dip itself back into his belly button.

“Vhat’s wrong, Marvin? Toooooooo ticklish?” Henrik asked, smirking as he started to spin the paintbrush.

“CHAHAHAHAHASE! TOOHOHOHOHO MUHUHUHUCH!” Marvin yelled. Henrik looked towards the end of the couch, and saw Chase...tickling under his toes!

“This little piggy went to the market...” Chase said, wiggling his big toe. Henrik's eyes widened, as a smile grew onto his lips in amusement.

“NOHOHOHO! PLEHEHEHEASE DOHOHOHON’T!” Marvin begged, his face turning red as he laughed.

This little piggy went home...” Chase said, wiggling the second toe.

“YOHOHOHOHOU’RE SOHOHOHO MEHEHEHEHEAN!” Marvin yelled.

“This little piggy had ticklish wittle feetsies...” Chase teased, changing up the lyrics to further ridicule him as he wiggled the middle toe.

“THAHAHAT MAHAHAKES NO SEHEHEHENSE!” Marvin exclaimed.

“This little piggy had none!” Chase said, wiggling the second last toe.

“LAHAHAHAY OHOHOHOFF, WIHIHILL YAHAHA?!” Marvin yelled.

“And THIS little piggy went...” Chase teased, pausing the rhyme to create more suspense. Instantly, Chase skittered all 5 fingers on the entire foot. “WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE! All the way home!” Chase cooed.

“HAHAHAHAHA! HEHEHEHEHEHEHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Marvin laughed. His face was practically a tomato, and his body was starting to get REALLY tired! So, Chase let go of his legs, and pushed his legs to the side. Marvin's whole body fell comfortably onto his side, as the exhausted Marvin laid there, breathing deeply through his mouth.

"You okay? We didn't kill ya, did we?" Chase asked.

"I-*huff* I'm fine... *huff* I'll be *Huff* *Huff* Fihihine...*Huff*" Marvin said through his breaths.

Chase let out a sigh of relief. Henrik handed Shawn back his paintbrush, while Jamie sat back onto the couch with a big smile on his face, that he just couldn't hide.

"What's so funny?" Chase asked, both suspicious and curious about his motives.

'imagining your reaction to my plan to get revenge.' Jamie signed, before tackling him down.

"Jamie, Wait- HAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHA NOOOOOOHOHOHOHOHO!" Chase exclaimed, before bursting into a fit of hysterical laughter, from Jamie's fingers in his armpits.

Jamie's smile grew wider as his fingers skittered and scratched, and soon decided to move down to his ribs.

"AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NAHAHAHAT THE RIHIHIHIBS! AHAHANYTHIHIHING BUT THEHEHE RIHIHIHIHIBS!" Chase shouted, shaking his head back and forth as Jamie dug into and in between the ribs.

Jamie gave Chase the puppy face, before taking in a quick inhale, and...Blew a big raspberry! right on Chase's ribs!

Chase's laughter turned into cackles, as his face turned a deep scarlet color! His hat came flying off as well!

Liking how red his face had gotten, Jamie took in an inhale, and blew short raspberries on multiple ribs!

This was when Chase's laughter went silent. He seemed just about done. It didn't take long, but that didn't really matter. Jamie smiled, messed up his hair a little, and got up off of him.

As Jamie walked, he was suddenly stopped, by Shawn of all people. Jamie crossed his arms, putting on an irritated teenage face.

"It's my turn for revenge." Shawn announced, before grabbing Jamie, flipping him around, and shoving his hands into his sides once again.

Jamie squealed, and fell into a massive puddle of giggles as he squirmed around in Shawn's stronghold.

"Jackie! Grab his arms!" Shawn ordered quickly. Jackie nodded, stood up and quickly grabbed his arms and held them out in front of him.

Once his arms were completely contained, Shawn continued tickling his sides, and squeezed his tummy a little bit as well. Jamie laughed, giggled, cackled and squirmed through the whole thing. He even let out a few snorts! That was an adorable thing to hear! Eventually, before the clocked striked twelve, everyone had gotten their share of ticklish revenge. Happy New Year, everyone! May everyone have an amazing 2020.

[imnotcameraready]

chivalry is dead (13)

A/N: and now we get to the reason this has the “Graphic Depictions of Violence” warning on AO3. this doesn’t really get Dark™ perse, but people get Very Hurt and its Very graphic

in other words! meet my son, the Dragon :) 

WARNINGS: kidnapping, isolationism, dragons, fighting (sword fighting specifically), graphic depictions of violence, graphic depiction of a wound, blood, a big ol' gash, suggested stabbings, panic, a lot of panic, graphic depiction of a panic attack, sobbing/crying, hardcore insults — this chapter has a LOT, heed my warnings, and if i missed anything at all PLEASE let me know!!

Words: 5238

AO3 link!

MASTERPOST! <– look here!! for the longterm warnings!! including sympathetic Deceit and cursing/swearing! 

chivalry taglist: @starlightvirgil​ @forrestwyrm​ @daflangstlairde​ @marshmallow-the-panda​ @askthesnake​ @k9cat​ @patromlogil​

general tag: @jemthebookworm​

enjoy!!! uwu /// <3 <3 <3 

The Thief was running. He wanted to be alone.

Alone was safe.

Alone was better than disappointing.

The Thief vaulted over another few boxes in front of a building and kept running. He could still hear someone — Virgil? Deceit? Bard, maybe? — shouting for him.

He wanted to be in a familiar place. Alone in his tree, where he could seal up the door and never bother anyone ever again.

A shout behind him as he tore past two of the Imagination’s inhabitants. While he turned to glance, apologize as he turned a corner, he ran directly into someone.

Typically, the Thief would shove off of them and continue running, but their arms carefully wrapped around him. And they smelt starkly of not just his tree, but of Thomas’ living room. Of regularity. Of Roman.

He squeezed his eyes shut and curled up. Oh, fuck them all. He wanted to be Roman.

“Well, well, Robin Hood. That was easy,” a gloved hand ran through his hair and the Thief’s eyes snapped open.

He was staring right into a black sash.

He shoved off, drawing his sword immediately, despite how hard his hands shook.

There were dozens of guards before him, standing in three lines, all with their swords drawn. That definitely wasn’t a good start, but what boiled the Thief’s blood more was who lead them.

In front of the crowd of guards was another Roman, a very well known Roman. Two ram’s horns curled out of his hair, and a crown sat in the center of his head, golden with glittering red gems. With a red suit that paid homage to the Prince’s typical outfit, black boots, and a black belt, sash, and cape, the Dragon looked deadly.

The Thief had never seen him up close like this. The closest he’d been was watching from the roof, hiding behind a chimney when the Damsel….

“You’re out of the castle,” the Thief said, sword held up between them.

The Dragon grinned, and the Thief jerked back a little upon seeing that his teeth were all pointed carnivorously.

“Clearly,” the Dragon tilted his head, and the Thief caught a glimpse of earrings dangling amidst his beautifully tousled hair, “I’m actually looking for someone else. Short, maybe, ah, ten years old? Have you seen anyone like that?”

The Thief’s eyes widened as he processed that, including the playful lilt in his tone. The Dragon was aiming for the Child, eh?

“You’re never gonna get him,” he snapped, taking another step back, sword raising more.

“THIEF!”

Son of a fucking bitch.

The Dragon let out a laugh, clapping excitedly. “Wonderful dramatic irony,” he sang.

Out the same bend that the Thief had just come from, darted the Child. The Thief shouted, grabbing him by the cloak and pulling him backward, hugging him against his side.

The Child blinked in surprise — he hadn’t actually expected to catch up to the Thief, given how he was ten and also less athletic. And he also didn’t expect the Thief to grab him like that. Nor did he expect the sword. Nor the person at the end of the sword (was that Dragon?!) nor the legion of guards behind him.

Ah, hell, the Thief was being attacked. And now he was right in the middle of it, too. The Child sniffed, just barely having stopped crying, and hugged the Thief’s leg tight.

“Hey, ya lil’ shit,” the Thief murmured, “Very bad timing.”

The Child looked up at him and slowly raised a hand toward the Dragon, who was watching him with a pleased smile.

He had a lot of questions. Why was the Thief talking with the Dragon? Were they talking or were they fighting? Why did he have his sword up? Why did he run? Why had he been so cruel to the Bard and him? Was he okay?

“That’s Dragon,” he was all he could say.

“Yep,” the Thief patted his back and the Child grabbed his arm, letting the Thief lift him up.

“Why?”

The Dragon blinked, smile dropping into confusion. Wait, why was he Dragon? Was that the question?

Wait, why WAS he the Dragon? How’d he pick this form again? He was pretty sure it had something to do with the whole villain schtick.

OH! Oh, right, yeah, that was why.

Well, with that thought process out of the way, the Dragon stepped forward, putting his fingertip to the point of the Thief’s sword and shifting it away from his face.

“I don’t know, kid, he stopped me,” the Thief responded. In that motion, though, the Thief stepped back once again and lifted the sword, more firm in his grip. He and the Child watched the Dragon, one angry and another afraid. Just as it should be.

“Au contraire, kiddo, I’m looking for you,” the Child winced when the Dragon said ‘kiddo’ in a higher pitched voice, almost mimicking Patton, “You’re coming with me. You’re going to be my guest of honor.”

Guest of honor? At what?

The Child’s hands balled tighter in the Thief’s cloak. He didn’t want to go anywhere with the Dragon.

“You’re gonna have to go through me,” the Thief hissed, holding him closer.

Of course. The Thief thought he was a hero.

The Dragon laughed, putting a hand on the hilt of his sword, tucked away at his hip. How easy it was for him to forget that the real hero was gone.

“If you insist. Have at thee!”

You know what? Logan decided, while running between the alleyways of the town, that he was going to write in a lot more hours of gym time for Thomas’ regular workout regiment. Maybe that would lessen the pain of these long chase sequences.

He couldn’t hear the Child’s yelling in front of him anymore, but he definitely hadn’t lost him. They’d gone straight on this one road for quite a bit, next to another tall wall, until the speck that was the Thief turned right.

Logan heard Virgil shout something behind him, but the distance and chatter of the surrounding citizens made it indecipherable. Of course Virgil had followed — safety in numbers and all that, and it seemed that the Thief was volatile enough to pose as a potential threat to the Child’s safety. And to his own.

He wished they had more time to discuss what they’d learned, about Roman and about this situation. And, frankly, about themselves. What Logan wouldn’t give to have a simple sit down with Patton, Virgil, Deceit, and the handful of Romans they’d found.

Thinking about that took too much brain power, though. He finally got closer to the corner that he’d seen the Child turn down.

Only for the Child to run straight back into him, shouting incoherently in jumbled words and sentences. Logan nearly plowed right through him, gripping the wall to stay standing while resting a second hand on the Child’s shoulder.

“Child!” Virgil shouted as he came up beside Logan. “What—where’s Thief?!”

He squatted down to the Child’s height, and the Child let go of Logan, throwing his arms around Virgil’s shoulders and curling into him.

Virgil winced a little. Oh, yikes. Kids. He hugged the Child back delicately, glancing quick at Logan. This was worrying; what was he saying? The Child was still babbling incoherently about “scary”, “needs help”, “run.”

“You’re gonna have to talk slower, Child, what’s wrong?” Virgil asked, rubbing his back comfortingly.

The Child hummed quickly in affirmation and took a big, deep breath.

“Dragon’s here!” he shouted, right into Virgil’s ear.

He recoiled, ear ringing out a little, and the Child let go of him. A flash of panic shot across his face, but was quickly stuffed down as he launched himself back into Virgil’s chest.

Felt safe. The monster was here.

“Dragon’s here, and Thief ran into him and now they’re sword fighting and there’re a lot of guards and I’m scared, I’m really really scared, because Dragon’s saying mean things and he said he’s gonna take me somewhere, but Thief told him no so now they’re fighting—”

“Where,” Virgil asked.

His protective instincts slowly took over. He could barely hear Logan try to interrupt, something about collecting themselves, thinking of a solution. They didn’t have the time to think.

“Hold on, we should—” Logan tried to provide insight, but Virgil held up a hand.

His gut was telling him that they needed to get to the Thief as fast as possible. This wasn’t a situation that needed deep thought, not right now. Not yet.

He patted the Child’s back. “Can I pick you up?” he asked.

When the Child nodded, he picked him up with one arm, other arm reaching for his sword. Agh, he’d never done this before. Definitely wouldn’t be as adept at fighting as Roman would be, but goddamn if he couldn’t try. And going in with a weapon made him feel much safer than without. “Can I hand you off to Logan?”

The Child leaned over and hugged Logan’s neck, slowly transferring himself over. Now with both hands open, Virgil drew his sword and took the shield off of his back.

“You—what?” Logan apparently hadn’t noticed the sword. “When were you armed? Wait, when did you get a sword?”

Figures. They were all kinda hidden away.

“Thief gave me one. We’ll get you one later, right now we gotta,” Virgil motioned for Logan to get behind him, which he did.

They slowly approached the alley. The Child pointed to another road and they continued with bated breath, Virgil leading with his shield.

As they turned the corner, the Child’s story was confirmed. The guards had formed a circle, blocking them from seeing anything, but they could definitely hear the insults and clanging of metal.

“You’re weaker than I thought you’d be.”

“Go sit on a hoard or something.”

“I would have much more of a hoard if SOMEONE didn’t keep stealing my jewelry!”

“You don’t NEED all that gold! It isn’t even REAL, you can summon MORE.”

“But I WANT it!”

Virgil looked up at the guards — they weren’t paying attention to the outside of the ring, all facing inward, watching the fight. He motioned with one finger for Logan to follow. He tiptoed around the circle, watching between the guards. In the slim gaps, Virgil could make out figures jumping at each other, but there wasn’t enough to see details..

“Virgil,” Logan whispered, at his shoulder, “We cannot fight all of these men alone.”

“We can’t just leave Thief alone,” was his response.

While that wasn’t a falsehood — leaving the Thief would likely result in bodily harm, possibly death — Logan didn’t want to consider that possibility — the odds that they could fight against all of these guards plus the Dragon were abysmal. One could even say they were infinitesimal.

Virgil wasn’t listening to reason, though, and his own fear was so thick that it was difficult to think clearly. Or maybe it was the light headache in the back of his head from how fast the day had been going, just jumping from one conflict to the next.

“Mister–Mister Logic,” the Child whispered, pulling himself up more in Logan’s arms.

He was a little heavy, if Logan was being honest, but he wasn’t about to put him down. He shifted his hold and squeezed the Child tighter. Hopefully that was calming in some manner.

Hopefully there was an entrance into the ring. Virgil looked up, at the walls. Any ledges? Balconies he could climb and drop into? He had to get in there. He had to help Roman.

He slid forward a little, brushing just past a guard’s back and squeezing out the other side as they almost completed a semicircle around the fight ring.

“You’ve only ever dragged us down. Dragged Roman down, dragged King Thomas down, trying to subdue me.”

“Yeah, well.”

The Thief’s voice was lacking in bite. Virgil winced.

“Wait! Wait, wait—Bonnie, put the sword down, I just found Cly~yde!” the Dragon shouted, riffing off of the “y” in Clyde.

Virgil stiffened, one arm reaching back and pulling Logan and Child behind himself. Fuck.

“Guards! Back there!”

The guard Virgil was standing behind stepped back. The entire ring opened, almost like a bubble, and engulfed the trio into it. Virgil raised his shield instinctively, though it felt clunky and unnatural in his hands. And the sight before them was so jarring he almost dropped it.

“Mister Logic,” the Child whispered, pressing his face into Logan’s collar, “I’m scared.”

Logan’s hand squeezed his back. “It will be okay,” his voice was barely over a breath as he responded, “Don’t look.”

They should run. They should have gotten back up, should have returned to Deceit and Patton and the Bard, who may know where they could obtain extra help.

God damnit, why did no one ever listen to him!?

The Dragon smiled at them. The Thief’s cloak was on the ground, dropped when the fight began. He glanced over at them, breathing heavily, and frowned. Worry creased over his brow; they shouldn’t be here, he could handle this.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” his voice was riddled with panic but, honestly, he couldn’t bring himself to hide it at this moment.

“We couldn’t just leave you alone here,” Virgil gestured around, “You’re VERY outnumbered!”

“I can handle it!”

“Falsehood. Look around yourself, there is no way you would win this battle, much less survive.”

“Okay, you,” the Thief pointed at Logan, “Are more of a pacifist than Playwright, so don’t even try. And I can handle this, you—”

“Hey, petty theft, you’re a snorefest,” the Dragon interrupted, snapping his fingers a few times, “How about you steal some Z’s and let the real adults do the talking.”

“High talk coming from the cartoon villain,” Virgil snapped back.

The Thief took this bickering as a chance to catch his breath. He had been nicked in the arm and hand, but he’d gotten the Dragon near the leg. The blood was seeping on to each other’s clothes. Perhaps that was why the Dragon was wearing such a gaudy red suit.

The Dragon’s eyes were resting on the Child, mind far away from Virgil’s ranting. Good, good.The little fish hook was back. That was good. But, even better, he’d brought actual Sides! Real, actual whole Sides. This would be quite the first impression. The Dragon wanted it to count.

“Oh, hush up, my dear Stormy Knight! You and I’re both cartoon villains, and I’m Disney at LEAST!” the Dragon stepped back and bowed, “A pleasure to finally meet you both! I’m on babysitting duty, so I’m going to need the kid.”

“You cannot be serious. We have received many forewarnings about you and your villainy, Dragon,” Logan stated, hold tightening around the Child. “Why would we relinquish anything to you?”

Well, those were the pitfalls of the reputation he’d cultivated. The Dragon stood up straight and sauntered closer, sword lowering so he could open his arms in a welcoming manner. “Logie bear, darling, I could be whatever you want,” his voice dropped into a drawl. “And I can’t say I want you and Holden Gall-field over there to leave. How about you come with me? The castle’s much more refined than whatever treehouse this one’s—”

Both Logan and Virgil flinched away from him. The Thief stuck his sword out, stopping the Dragon from approaching any more. The air was tense, the Dragon watching Virgil and Logan with an almost hungry gaze, the Thief glaring daggers directly at the Dragon. The Child’s grip was so tight around Logan’s shoulders that he could feel the nail dents forming.

“....Move your sword,” the Dragon said, not looking up.

There was a flame in his eyes. Virgil could see it burning.

“Make me, Ice Queen,” the Thief responded. “No one’s going with you.”

Another beat of tense silence.

Then.

The Dragon screamed, lunging to the side and slashing at the Thief, who lifted his sword just in time to block a cut for his neck. Virgil lifted the shield more, though pointed at the guards, as they surged around him. He shouted as well and stabbed with the sword, trying to repel whoever he could.

He swiped at the side and swung the shield up, knocking the metal-rimmed side against a guard’s jaw.

Logan gripped the Child tightly, pulling away and stepping back against a wall. A guard’s hand fell on the Child’s shoulder, and he tried to tear them apart.

“NO,” the Child shouted, leaning over and biting the guard’s hand.

Virgil darted between them, slashing the guard’s arm away. “Logan, if you see a break, you’re gonna have to run,” he snapped.

That was preposterous, did Virgil have any idea? Of what he was facing? Alone?

Logan’s headache grew, and he hissed angrily.

“You’re—There is no way I’m leaving you both here to deal with this!”

Virgil shot him a glare over his shoulder and pushed back another guard. “Child can’t stay here! Not if that Drama Dragon wants him! And you’re unarmed!”

Logan wanted to argue, but he couldn’t think clearly enough to propose an adequate alternative. He looked up, in time to see the Thief kick the Dragon back and shoot forward again, sword poised to stab. In the back of Logan’s mind, he vaguely remembered that this was also a part of Roman, this irate, ego-centric, aggressively possessive monster.

“Things that you want to believe. Things that you wish were true. And things that you wish weren’t.”

It seemed that his observations were unerring, as usual.

Virgil shouted again, incomprehensible over the metal hitting metal. Logan squeezed the Child tighter and turned away slightly, eyes scanning over the crowd, waiting. As much as he did not want to leave the fighting duo alone, he had to face that he was providing no support in this situation. If anything, he and the Child were impediments, due to how many times Virgil and the Thief had to flip attention between himself and the guards.

Okay, also, why the fuck were there so many guards? Virgil coulda sworn he’d knocked at least a few of these guys down.

This all was also proving to Virgil that sword fighting was not his alley. He would have preferred any other kind of weapon. Maybe something ranged? Because being this close to someone, swinging a sword and smelling the blood, as fake as it was, and seeing their bodies fall back.

How did Roman take this? Was he more accustomed to it or something?

Also, this was taking upper body strength that Virgil just didn’t have. Did Roman imagine himself a pair of fit biceps to lift this sword? Their bodies did have slight differences, yeah, but like. This was a lot. The guards surged forward, nearly overpowering him.

Another sword crossed between his and another guard’s. The Thief yanked him off, tossing him aside with a tired grunt.

Virgil glanced behind him and saw the Dragon getting up from the ground, heard mumbled swearing. The Thief must have knocked him over before coming to his rescue.

Their eyes met for a brief second. The Thief looked stricken, almost as panicked as Virgil was, mouth slightly parted and panting.

Virgil didn’t look any better. They were both exhausted. But they weren’t out of the woods at all.

“Behind you,” Virgil hissed, “Focus on him! I’ve got this!”

The Thief kicked the Dragon back again, and plunged his sword into one of the guards’ backs. “Yeah, you’re really getting this, Twenty One Plights,” he snapped back. “This is what ‘got this’ looks like!”

“Oh, fuck OFF,” Virgil kicked one of the guards’ knees in and slammed his shield into his face.

As he did so, the Thief wirled back around. The Dragon shouted, leaping with yet another slash towards his person, which the Thief parried.

An opening. Logan had been paying less attention to the fight itself, more to the pattern of guards and gaps. There was space, besides the Thief, out and to the left, where he and the Child could hopefully flee from.

He did his best to not think of the dismal odds as he  balled his hand into the back of the Child’s cloak and tried to scoot closer to it.

“Going so soon!” the Dragon shouted behind him.

The Child sobbed quietly. He was so afraid.

“FUCK—”

The sound of metal.

“THIEF!”

“LOGAN—”

It happened so fast.

Logan found himself trading one Roman for another, the Child jumping straight out of his arms as the Thief fell backwards into them, sword clattering to the ground. He made a surprised splutter and sank down to the ground.

“Fucking — ROMAN,” he heard Virgil shout.

Another metal clang, Virgil dropping his sword to grab the Child, who had immediately curled into a ball on the ground.

He wrapped his the side of cloak around the Child, squeezing him tight against his side and stepping in between Logan and the Thief, and the Dragon. The Child was saying something; he could hear “okay” a lot.

“Virgil,” Logan hissed. “V–Virgil.”

Virgil’s heart clenched. Logan’s voice was cracking.

“Virgil, he’s bleeding.”

He was not going to turn around. He couldn’t take his eyes off of the danger, the Dragon, in front of him. He couldn’t focus on anything else. Especially not the goosebumps forming on his arms. Or the tingling sensation in the back of his head. Spikes of fear from in front of him and in him and behind him.

Logan quickly began undoing the Thief’s belt and lifting his shirt. A dark red stain was growing in his abdomen — there was a laceration across the Thief’s chest. Nearly a full foot in length — there were many other scars here — 28 centimeters in length and seven centimeters in depth at its deepest point

“Logan.”

— had Roman always had so many scars?  —

he couldn’t see any bone and the Thief’s chest was still rising and falling and rising and falling — falling

— failing

—

— fuck his head hurt

—

“Logan, dear. Please breathe.”

— was it raining?

Hands already lathered in blood. A third hand, also covered in blood, held his shoulder. Roman winced in his lap.

He couldn’t breathe. Roman was bleeding.

“Please. I’m okay.”

You’re bleeding and you’re telling me to breathe — Logan wanted to laugh, but he couldn’t make any sound other than a choked yelp — was he losing control of his physical faculties?

“Darling, look at my eyes. Follow me. One, two, three, four.”

“Awh, did you both feel that?”

The Thief was looking up, watching Logan’s face, lips slightly parted. Despite the gash in his chest, he was doing surprisingly well, trying to calm Logan. Perhaps he hadn’t seen this much blood before? But at that sensation….his left hand reached up and traced along his left temple, as he kept counting.

The Child made a similar movement, tearstained face twisted in confusion. Did someone just….

The Dragon’s hand was cupping the left side of his own face, grinning ear to ear. Someone loved them. Loved HIM. One of them kissed him. A different him, but still! He didn’t just want one, oh, no, no, he was an egoist, remember, he was selfish, he wanted more. And he wanted them for just himself.

Virgil was trying to think of the best way to get out of here. The Dragon looked distracted, eyes glazed into the distance. Something was on his mind. Virgil didn’t give a fuck about it.

Plus, Virgil didn’t want to keep looking at the frenzied grin on this Roman’s face. It was terrifying. Out of place from the otherwise familiar royal regalia.

He glanced back, only to see that Logan was holding the still-bleeding Thief in his lap, curled around his head. His shoulders were trembling, one hand over his own mouth, the other holding the Thief’s waist and keeping him close. Even his glasses had fallen and were sitting awkwardly on the very tip of his nose.

Fuck. Logan was having a panic attack. That’s what Virgil had been feeling.

God, he was bogged down in his own adrenaline that he couldn’t even feel Logan’s anxiety.

“Mister Anxiety,” the Child whispered, hiccupping between words, “I’m–I’m scared.”

“C’mon, Virgil, I’ve missed you. Shall we dance?” the Dragon said, laughing.

Laughing much too close. He was approaching. “Logan,” Virgil said between gritted teeth, “You’ve gotta run.”

“Mister–Mister Anxiety?” the Child whispered.

This was a dumb idea. The hairs on Virgil’s neck were standing up as he could hear and generally sense the Dragon coming closer. “It’s gonna be okay, kid. Promise.”

“....I trust you.”

The Child’s wide eyes were peeking out at him, all he could see of him from inside his cloak. Virgil was watching him in his peripheral, but he was more focusing on Logan and the Thief.

He watched the Thief shift himself upright in Logan’s lap, could see his mouth moving as he whispered to Logan.

They’d be okay.

“I hope you’re not going anywhere, my dear,” the Dragon’s breath was soft on the back of Virgil’s neck.

The Dragon definitely didn’t expect it when Virgil elbowed him straight in the rib and ducked beneath his arm. He darted to the other side, away.

Something pinched his side. It felt sharp, like nails digging in and squeezing. He didn’t have the time to focus on it. Running out of options.

The guards closed around him more, one of them jabbing him in the back as he tried to get away. The Dragon was now stood between him and Logan, with all attention towards himself. With no weapons and the Child in his other arm, Virgil definitely couldn’t be fighting. But he was gonna fucking TRY.

“Look, Virge, this’ been fun. I can’t say I don’t love watching you fight. We should have done this dance sooner,,” the Dragon pressed two fingers to his chest, walking them up delicately to his collarbone, “But I need Child.”

“You need a shower is what you need,” the Child shot back.

The Dragon barred his teeth, growling impatiently at the lump in Virgil’s cloak. He WANTED this stupid plan to WORK, and it wouldn’t without the—

Oh. Oh, that was so simple. Why was he so stupid.

No, no, he wasn’t stupid. He’d just been using his brain on other things, thinking about other marvelous endeavors. That’s all! Not stupid.

Hm. He would have to discuss this oversight with Damsel. Discuss it.

He grinned, lifting his eyes up to Virgil’s angry scowl. They all had the same amber eyes, but up close like this, the Dragon could see dots of purple flecked throughout his iris. So mesmerizing.

Such beauty.

Much wow.

The Dragon chuckled, ducking his head again and covering his mouth. Holy shit.

“....Hey, uh. Are you done laughing at my face?” Virgil said. He couldn’t mask the terror in his voice, but there was definitely a layer of indignation now. “You’re wearing an all red suit and you’re gonna laugh at my face?”

“You just make me think of memes, sweetheart, don’t worry,” the Dragon stood upright again, “I think your face is splendid. So splendid, in fact, that I’d like it to come with me.”

Virgil’s brow furrowed in confusion and fear as he tried to decipher what the ever loving fuck that meant. Without giving him time to think, however, the Dragon reached out and cupped his jaw roughly.

Something on Virgil’s side stung when the Dragon pulled him closer. He winced at the movement, but the Dragon didn’t seem to notice.

“Guards!” he hollered, holding eye contact with Virgil, “I’ll meet you at the castle!”

The Child gasped, talking over the Dragon. “Mister Anxiety, you’re–you’re bleeding.”

Virgil’s beautiful eyes widened. “What—”

And the Dragon changed.

“That’s it,” the Thief coaxed Logan quietly, “That’s it, that’s it, buddy. There you go.”

“You’re still bleeding,” Logan hadn’t moved his eyes from the 27.65 centimeter cut that adorned the Thief’s chest. “You shouldn’t be comforting me.”

“I want to make sure you’re okay. And I need you to, you know, help me get to a doctor. Feeling better?”

Logan exhaled. “Yes, a little. I’m sorry for—”

Thump.

The Thief scrambled to his feet, adrenaline not yet worn off to the point of pain, and pulled Logan aside. They both were smushed against the brick wall by a red, scaly tail. The tail of a dragon.

Specifically, the Dragon, who was holding a screaming Virgil and a screaming Child in one of his claws. He roared into the air and pushed off of the ground, turning his back on the Thief and Logan, who watched in horrified awe. Large red wings, speckled with glittering gold dots, spread out and caught wind.

The guards, having received new and very direct orders, ignored the Thief and Logan. They turned in unison and began marching down one of the alleys, in the same direction that the Dragon was flying off in. Toward the castle.

It took a minute for the shock to wear off and for them to not hear the screaming anymore.

With one shaking hand, Logan took off his glasses, cleaned them on his shirt, and put them back on.

“Holy fuck,” he whispered to no one.

They’d lost the Child. They’d lost Virgil.

“We need to go,” the Thief’s voice was breathless, almost too tired to panic about this, “We–we need to find Bard and Artist and Deceit and Patton and pull something together—” the Thief grabbed Logan’s arm and tried to take a step forward.

Logan had to catch him from collapsing. There was blood dripping all down his chest from the ignored open wound.

He was bleeding out. It would need stitches and perhaps some magic to heal. Logan didn’t know magic. He didn’t know anyone who did. Magic wasn’t real. Magic was real in this realm.

This time, he beat back his rising panic with a figurative mental broom. No time for emotions right now. He stooped down, picking the Thief up as delicately as his trembling hands allowed, and exhaled.

The alley was now empty. And Logan had nowhere to—

“Holy guacamole, what–oh my God, is that Roman?” he turned to the voice.

Oh, it was Thomas, jogging toward them. “Thomas,” Logan asked, “How did you get into the Imagination?”

The Thomas frowned and stopped in front of him. Upon closer inspection, this Thomas was wearing a very specific costume. Donning a caramel-colored cardigan, pink tie, and glasses, this Thomas looked starkly like….

“No, no, um. Awh, jeez, Scoob, I don’t think I’ve got a lot of time to explain how this place works. I’m Dr. Emile Picani,” he leaned in, inspecting the Thief’s wound, “I was just taking a little walking break between appointments, but I might have to reschedule my next one. He doesn’t look good.”

“Picani,” the Thief’s voice was barely above a whisper now, “Just–Just in time.”

Dr. Picani. The therapist. The Child had mentioned something like this could happen.

Emile patted the Thief’s shoulder and stooped down, lifting one of his arms around his own. “Logan, grab his other arm,” Logan followed the directions, “Alright, let’s go.”

And, without any other feasible plans and with a numb emptiness in his chest, Logan followed.

[shimmershaewrites]

Waltzing's for Dreamers, Chapter 4 (a Walking Dead story, Caryl AU).

Title:  Waltzing's for Dreamers

Rating:  Hmm.  Maybe PG-13?

Warnings:  Adult language. 

Characters/Pairings:  Daryl Dixon, Dwight, Axel, Oscar, Big Tiny, mention of the Morales family, mention of Sherry, Merle Dixon, mention of Carol Peletier and Sophia Peletier, and a couple of other little Easter eggs for those of you paying attention, lol. 

 Don't mind me.  Just having some fun remixing these characters.

 Sorry about the delay in posting this chapter.  Work kicked my ass and took some names this week and it took me all day yesterday to pull said ass out of my all-consuming exhaustion.  Hence, I'm posting today instead of yesterday when I really wanted to. 

 Anyway.  I hope you enjoyed this chapter.  Off to work on the next one.  Fingers crossed I get it finished in time to post later tonight. 

   Waltzing’s for Dreamers

    More than six years after Vegas.  Early Summer. 

      “90 degrees in the fuckin’ shade out there,” Dwight mumbles around his nub of a cigarette. 

  Beneath the hood of the Morales’ Suzuki, Daryl inwardly sneers.  I’ll match the sweat rings around your scrawny neck and raise you a couple of stank-ass armpit rings, Asshole.  The words never leave his lips, though.  All he gifts the sonofabitch with is a noncommittal grunt.  In the interest of keeping things civil, of course.  Axel’s okay by him, handed over the keys to this Bakersfield shithole like it weren’t nothing and gave him and Merle a chance to start over when they’d up and moved themselves clear across the country trying to outrun the demons of both their pasts.  The man’s harmless, not much left knocking around in his pharmaceutical soaked brain, but his piece of shit cousin is another story altogether, and it’s really too bad they have to keep pretending to coexist peacefully because Daryl can’t really put his finger on it but something about the guy makes his skin crawl.  Oscar’s too, apparently. 

  “Man, put your shirt back on.  You lookin’ like some starved feral ass cat.” 

  Big Tiny stops swaying with the oscillating fan in the corner of garage only long enough to snicker an agreement.  “Oscar ain’t wrong.” 

  “Probably is,” Axel puts in his two cents, his handlebar mustache twitching with each word.  “Starved,” he elaborates, as if anybody had any lingering doubts.  “Sherry don’t like to cook.  Can’t say as I blame her considerin’ she only sees daylight from the inside of that diner.  Poor woman,” he shakes his head.  “Works her pretty little fingers to the bone.” 

  “Might be you should take some pointers from her,” Oscar suggests dryly.  “That wagon ain’t gonna up and fix itself and the way I remember it, those two flower children be thinking they’re getting it back first thing tomorrow.”   

  “Might be,” Dwight spits as he jerks his arms back through his dingy, oil stained shirt, “you can mind your own goddamn business for once.”  He skulks back to his designated corner of the shop, grumbling beneath his breath with every step. 

  “What bug done crawled right up his skinny ass?” 

  The question is drawled right into his ear, and Daryl nearly jumps out of his skin.  Swears and rubs at the bump he can already feel forming on the back of his head.  Slams the hood of the Suzuki shut and scowls at his brother, who brandishes a popsicle in his hand like it’s some kind of sword.  Or a peace offering of sorts.  “What the hell?” Daryl growls, snatching the damn thing and ripping the wrapper impatiently.  “How ‘bout a fuckin’ warning next time?”   

  “Used to be, you didn’t need no warning,” Merle pointedly reminds him, sucking his own orange popsicle back between his lips as only he could, in a manner bordering on the obscene. 

  “Got any more of those?” Big Tiny asks longingly. 

  “Why?” Merle leers with a wink.  “Ole Merle makin’ you hot?”  

  Flustered, Big Tiny groans.  “You nasty.  Anybody ever tell you that?” 

  “See now,” Merle trots out his trademark coat hanger grin.  “That’s all a matter of opinion.  The ladies don’t seem to think so.  In fact…”

  Before he can go any further, Oscar interrupts him, “Little E on deck.” 

  It’s not a moment too soon, and Daryl’s grateful for the reprieve.  His brother might have come a long way, kicked his own drug habit and put his life in some sort of order.  All thanks to a little rude awakening and the kid that’s joined them, bearing a whole box of sweating popsicles like a gift from the Man Upstairs on this sweltering summer day.  But the one thing he ain’t cleaned up is his mouth, especially when it comes to women and his supposed prowess with them.  And he’s far from the only one in this establishment could grow weeds out of his mouth with as filthy as it is, Daryl’s own included.  He gives Oscar a subtle nod of gratitude and leans against the Samurai’s bumper, takes in the scene with an air of wistfulness he couldn’t shake if he wanted to, and damn.  Does he want to. 

  Big Tiny relinquishes his primo spot in front of the fan to lumber over to arguably one of his favorite people—and not just at the moment.  “Got one of those for me, Angel-face?”

  “Grape?” 

  “There any other kind?” 

  Daryl smirks.  Watching when his niece presents the big man with his preferred flavor popsicle and he bows clumsily at the waist in thanks, getting himself a coat hanger grin in response that’s undeniably reminiscent of the one his brother wears much more often these days, although the kid’s is much harder won.  The irony don’t escape him.  Couldn’t if it wanted to.  If somebody’d told him have a dozen years ago Merle would find his happiness just as Daryl’s own life went to absolute shit, he’d have accused them of bald-face lying.  That’s what he would have done.    He don’t begrudge him, though, because God and the Devil both know.  If circumstances were different, if he weren’t such a no-good fuck-up not worth the heartache he knows he’s done caused Carol and her little girl, well.  He don’t resent his brother a moment.  Not at all. 

  “Thank you kindly, Little Miss,” Axel charms as he receives his own popsicle.  “Need me some of them there boots you’re wearing,” he says, openly admiring the black combat boots that are about the biggest things on the eleven-year-old’s ever-growing feet. 

  “Them’s ass kickers,” Merle crows proudly.  “For my ass-kicking girl.” 

  Daryl huffs out a laugh and crumples up his wrapper when his brother’s version of praise earns him a sassy purple tinged tongue, tosses it in the general vicinity of the trash can.   

  “Still like ‘em,” Axel shrugs his skinny shoulders.  “Might even go find me some.” 

  Oscar’s lips twitch before breaking into a grin full of shark-like teeth.  “Man, you couldn’t even kick your own ass.” 

  “Might be you’re right,” Axel agrees amiably.  “Just sayin’, though.  Them’s some mighty fine boots.” 

  “Yes, Ma’am, they are,” Big Tiny chimes in.  Holding out his mammoth paw, he bashfully bargains, “If I show you the car your uncle’s been working on, you think there might be another grape popsicle in it for me?”

  “All that’s left is cherry.” 

  “Cherry just happens to be my second favorite,” Big Tiny tells her as his palm all but swallows up her small hand.  “It’s a ’67 Impala.  Like the one in that show you like so much with the brothers.  He’s fixing it up for the coach at the high school.  Be glad you haven’t met him, Angel-face.  Man loves to hear himself talk.” 

  “You look at that,” Merle remarks as the unlikely pair disappear into the back of the garage, Oscar and Axel trailing not far behind them.  “Girl’s got him wrapped around her little finger.” 

  “Ain’t the only one,” Daryl points out as he bends to retrieve the garbage that’d fallen just short of its mark and drops it into the can.  “Reckon you’re going to be lost without her when her and her mama move to Jacksonville come the end of July.” 

  “About that, Baby Brother.” 

  Merle scratches absently at the prosthetic on his right arm in a gesture that makes Daryl straighten and study him with a more critical eye.  “Merle.” 

  “I should have told you a long time ago.” 

  “Told me what?” 

  “When that girl leaves?  I’m going with her.  And I want you to come with me.  It’s high time, Boy.  High time.” 

[generallyspecificblog]

  I watched episodes 1 & 2 of the new season of Stranger Things on Netflix this weekend, its been a long time coming. I’ve been waiting patiently for this season since the last one ended. The show grew on me in a big way, i did not like it initially. Something about it is mysterious and innocent and this season looks to have more of a suspenseful and scary vibe. I’ve only watched two episodes thus far so this is an incomplete project but I felt I needed to write about it because i haven’t blogged a long one in a few days. What follows are my hot takes, conspiracy theories, and honorable mentions of “Stranger Things” Season 2.

Ah, the ’80’s, things were slower back then i’m sure, i wouldn’t know though because i was -10 in 1980. The fact that in one of the opening scenes the boys are scrambling for quarters to go play arcade games just tells me that those were the good days. Reminds me of the movie/documentary, “The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters”, if you haven’t seen that i suggest that you stop reading this blog and go watch that documentary, you will not be let down, you will also have your masculinity tested by a man named Billy Mitchell. Also that is probably the only time i’ll suggest that you stop reading the blog so you know its worth it. Anyways, quarters are king and Mike robs Nancy of her piggy bank which i think is just great, but also i feel like Nancy is a bit too old for a piggy bank.

So the boys (Will, Mike, Lucas, and Dustin) rally at the local arcade room, Those for sure were only around for laundering money i imagine, and get to playing. At some point Will hears something and wanders off and somehow he is pulled into the upside-down place, his home pretty much the whole 1st season, and sees a dark sky with red lightning and a shadow demon thing with tornadoes for arms and then snaps out of it. First off i would like to say that i do not completely understand what the show writers are going for with the existence of the “Upside-down” place. I guess the easiest way to explain it is an alternate dimension that’s evil and terrible, but i just don’t know how it all works. I will admit that i think that if i were to somehow be instantly teleported to a place like that, i would for sure only be able to cry and close my eyes until i inevitably died because that place, and that monster thing seem completely terrifying. With all of that being said i think that calling it “The Upside-Down Place” is a rookie move and who ever came up with it needs to go to prison. It’s like calling it “Creepy Avenue” or “Elm Street”, how about a better name for the place that your main characters fear and where pure evil resides. As a matter of fact i will no longer refer to it as the “Upside-down” place and from here on out it will be called the “Thunderdome” or “Satans Basement” or “Oklahoma” ANYTHING but “Upside-down” place.  So, Will snaps out of it somehow and his excuse to his friend for being outside is that he needed some air, I found that funny because this show is set in the 80’s and no chance kids were as messed up and snowflakey as they are now. “Needing some air” in the 80’s was just something you said when you wanted your 3rd cigarette from your 2nd pack of the day, i assume. Be more dramatic Will.

The cameos in these first two episodes were very interesting and i didn’t hate them, i’d actually be excited if they all stayed on as regulars. First we have Brett Gelman playing Murray Bauman, aparrently some kind of private investigator with suspicion of Russian assistance in the events that transpired last season. Gelman is killing it lately with the cameos and honestly is just a really funny guy, i will never forget him in The Other Guys as the Arnold Palmer obsessed wanna-be swinger who begs Will Ferrels character to bang his wife.

Next and my favorite so far is the incomparable Mikey Walsh, the lovable Samwise Gamgee, Rudy HIMSELF, Sean Astin playing Bob “The Brain” Newby. Sean Astin is top 10 in my favorite actors, all around good dude, and just as lovable as they get. His character in Stranger Things is Joyce Byers’ new love interest it seems, and he does a fantastic job. The dynamic between him and Joyce is weird but i am fully invested after 2 episodes. Sean Astin nerding out about video cameras and radio shack is grade-a television folks.

Other than that there is a new pair of sibling characters in the show, Billy and Maxine AKA MadMax, that i just don’t know about yet. Billy is an absolute psychopath that resembles a younger Zac Efron who is fond of younger Zac Efrons who drives like a bat outta hell. This Billy dude is like a cross between Kurt Cobain on a bender and Jack Nicholson from The Shining. Pure crazy, but an entertaining character. His sister, i’m assuming, Maxine (or Max as she so rudely corrected the zany teacher at the school) is a very boyish little girl who is apparently good at arcade games and skateboarding, possessing some of the same crazy traits as her aforementioned brother. Some subtle yet understandable misogyny is featured in a scene where the boys are spying on her and say something along the lines of “girls cant play video games”. There is a new psychiatrist guy that talks to Will too but he is very boring and on the bad guys side so i don’t particularly care for him. Out of the new characters i mentioned above i would rank them accordingly: 1. Bob 2. Murray 3. Billy 4. Maxine 956. Doctor Boring D.O.

As for our returning characters a lot has changed in good ole Hawkins and its nearing the one year anniversary of the finale of last season some time around Halloween, obviously. The iconic Reagan Bush ’84 Campaign signs make an appearance in these episodes a couple of times in peoples yards and i love it, shout out Rowdy Gentleman.  The boys are still up to their nerdy shenanigans riding around on bikes and talking on their giant walkie-talkies. An exciting part is that they dress up as Ghostbusters for Halloween and being the season is set in 1984 i give 1,000 kudos to the kids for being such trailblazing fans of the film, and 2,000 kudos to their parents for making the costumes from scratch. There is a pretty comical argument between Mike and Lucas on who gets to be Venkman, Bill Murrays character, with an awkward reference to the only black Ghostbuster, Winston Zeddemore played by Ernie Hudson, being lame because he was late to the team.

  Mike is emotionally invested in 2 boxes of toys for some reason and misses the hell out of his superhuman girlfriend, 11, just being an emo little baby pretty much the whole time. Will and Mike make some weird pact while trick-or-treating where Mike says “If you’re weird, I’m Weird” kind of like Ryan Gossling does in the Notebook (If you’re a bird, I’m a bird). Lucas and Dustin fight over who is gonna date Maxine.

Our guy Will, who spent the majority of last season in the Thunderdome, has turned into a monster in the eyes of the kids at school. He gets bullied a bit, being called “Zombie Boy” and getting notes put in his locker saying the same thing, thank god Twitter or Facebook didn’t exist back then or this dude would of 13 Reasons Why’d his way through the rest of this season, probably. He takes it with stride though, animating his new nickname pretty artistically, wouldn’t be surprised if he creates a comic book about his Zombie alter ego and becomes a millionaire.

Steve and Nancy are still an item, probably my second favorite couple behind Johnathan and crippling loneliness. Nancy has become annoying because out of the clouds she starts actually caring that her friend Barb is dead, probably because she feels guilty, i mean you’d have to be an idiot to not blame Nancy for the demise of our homely heroine, Barb. There is a scene where Nancy and Steve go have dinner with Barbs parents and enjoy some KFC #fingerlickingood. Barbs parents are delusional at this point, in denial that Barb is dead. They are not in good health, mainly because of the fried chicken, and have plans to sell their home to fund a wild goose chase led by the wacky ex-journalist, P.I. Bauman. That should be successful. R.I.P Barb. Some how Steve has become more likable. Probably because of his hair which has some how become bigger, the higher the hair the closer to heaven, i see you Steve. Nancy and Steve go to a Halloween party together where she gets tipsy on some jungle juice, or as the raging toga bro, who is later seen yakking his brains out, calls it, “Pure Fuel”. Nancy, in typical white girl wasted fashion, says “bullshit” 9 million times after getting a cup of hunch punch spilled on her and brings up the past (Her and Steve basically murdering Barb, gone but never forgotten). Surprisingly Steve peaces out instead of taking advantage of Nancy like he did last season. Johnathan, in typical lonely guy fashion, swoops in like a sad pigeon and saves the day by taking her home and tucking her in. I feel it is necessary to say that i think Johnathan looks like an anorexic Bill Hader from SNL and i hope other people see that too.

  My favorite character, 11, or Elle as Chief Hopper adorably calls her, has taken up residence in a cabin out in the sticks. Chief Hopper is my 2nd favorite character in the show and he has become some type of father figure to 11 letting her stay in his cabin and is keeping her safe from the Russians or whoever is trying to get her. 11 is still a super hero and controls stuff with her mind. She has grown her hair out lookin like a jerry curl gettin real high up there, watch out Steve. Hopper is still whippin around in that dope ass Trailblazer and totin that 6-shooter like a rootin tootin cowboy, they should call him Sheriff instead of Chief. The interaction between Sheriff Hopper and 11 is perfect and comical. 11 is still very robot-like and says “five one five” instead of 5:15 at one point alluding that she hasn’t become much more normal than the first season. There are a few flashbacks to season one including one where 11 is breaking through some gooey womb-like substance out of Thunderdome and it reminds me of Jim Carrey being born from a rhino in Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls. In another scene 11 kills and begins to cook a squirrel to eat and then beams it at some hunter dudes face in the woods because i guess that’s what Russian cyborgs do. Sheriff Hopper misses hanging out with Elle for Halloween and that broke my heart, do better man.

As usual the soundtrack for the show is the absolute best, the beginning credit song that sounds like Daft Punk time traveled back to the 80’s is up there with Game of Thrones intro song. So far the show is fantastic and there are a lot more witty references and noteworthy things to say but i have just realized that i have written 2,000+ words and most of this was just mindless stammering on and so with that i give my superlatives and predictions thus-far:

Most likely to die alone: Jonathan Byers

Worst Father of the Year: Sheriff Hopper

Most likely to Smash for sure: Hopper and Joyce

Most Improved: Barb

Best Hair: Steve

Probably Gonna Finish Last: Bob “The Brain” Newby

Most Athletic: The Bike Boys

Life of the Party: Yoga bro

Most Likely to Become President: Reagan Bush ’84

Biggest Twist: Barb is alive!

Token Black Guy: Lucas

Least Likely to do Anything, Ever: The dumb psychiatrist guy

Most likely to end up in jail or an insane asylum probably: Billy

Most Likely To Confuse The Millennium Falcon with the Starship Enterprise: My Fiance while watching the show with me.

      Stranger Things: Season 2 Return of Barb, Maybe. I watched episodes 1 & 2 of the new season of Stranger Things on Netflix this weekend, its been a long time coming.