#nikolai lantsov reader

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Atraco fallido

Kaz Brekker x Reader

Resumen: Un atraco a Pekka Rollins es lo que T/n y Kaz llevaban esperando toda la vida. Una venganza es lo que querían. ¿Pero qué sucede cuando nada sale según lo previsto?

Advertencias: Violencia típica del canon, heridas, sangre, claustrofobia, venganza, miedo, T/n tiene un pasado en la casa de las fieras, mucha angustia pero con consuelo al final.

-Bien, este es el último repaso del plan antes de que nos vayamos. -Kaz se abotonó su abrigo oscuro mientras hablaba, mirando a cada uno de los cuervos que le rodeaban.- Así que quiero que prestéis atención y, ante cualquier duda, es mejor que la preguntéis aquí antes de que os la resuelvan a balazos. ¿Entendido? 

Todos asintieron a la vez, ya vestidos y preparados para la misión. Y Kaz los volvió a observan uno a uno, con un silencio que sólo el veivén del barco, con su madera crujiente y sus olas rompiendo podía llegar a mancillar. 

-Perfecto. -murmuró, sonriendo de lado y cogiendo su bastón apoyado en la balaustrada.- Vamos a dividir las misiones en tres partes. 

"La primera será la vigilancia e infiltración. Matthias lleva ahora mismo el uniforme de los guardias de la mansión. Él se colará y se pondrá a hacer guardia por la entrada oeste de la mansión de Rollins: La entrada más cercana al mar y que da a un pequeño bosque, donde podremos huir con más facilidad si llega a ser el caso"

"La segunda parte será el robo: Nina y yo iremos al despacho de Rollins para coger las cartas que le podrán culpar y destronar ante el Consejo Mercante. Esas cartas tienen demasiada mierda encima como para que Rollins pueda salirse de rositas si salen a la luz. Así que nos colaremos y, mientras yo busco, Nina tendrá que buscar cualquier laitdo cercano y deshacerlo sin ruido en caso de que venga alguien".

"Por otro lado, Jesper irá a la Biblioteca, donde buscará los contratos en los que se solidifica nuestra argumento de las cartas. Esa zona está casi sin guardias, así que no habrá mucho problema, pero ten cuidado".

" Y la tercera parte será la amenaza: T/n entrará en el dormitorio de Pekka Rollins y dejará nuestro mensaje en su encimera. Quedará advertido para la próxima. E Inej va a dejar el peluche de cuervo en la habitación de su hijo, para que sepa que somos nosotros. Rollins está en Ketterdam ahora mismo, así que si algo sale mal tardará un par de horas en llegar, pero eso no significa que la casa esté desprotegida."

"Wylan, tú eres el que mejor sabe cómo funciona este cacharro. Así que te quedarás haciendo guardia en la barcaza. Ante cualquier signo de problema empezarás a poner los motores en marcha y te irás al punto de la ladera donde acordamos. ¿Alguna duda?".

Todos se miraron en silencio entre sí, esperando a que alguien dijera algo.

Pero nadie abrió la boca. Habían repasado ese plan cientos de veces como para no saber a lo que se enfrentaban. Sabían que esa vez había que tomársela en serio. Siempre había que tomarse a Pekka Rollins en serio. 

Aunque nadie supiera porqué, todos sabían que era importante para Kaz. Y para T/n. 

Kaz asintió para sí, satisfecho, antes de hablar.

-Sin llantos. -dijo, dejando que el viento le robara las palabras.

-Sin funerales.- El resto respondió en susurros casi al unísono, palpando las armas y pensando en lo que iban a hacer.

Uno a uno fueron desembarcando y poniéndose en camino, con la silueta de la casa de campo en el horizonte, alrededor de la oscuridad de la noche.

T/n caminó entre los pasillos en penumbras con su mano en la pared derecha para no desorientarse. Había estudiado los planos de la mansión hasta hartarse, así que no la hacía falta pararse para nada más que sortear a un par de guardias. 

Punta, talón. Punta, talón. 

Andaba con cuidado, en un silencio sepulcral que la había costado años de práctica en las bandas del Barril, la Casa de las Fieras y... la tutela de Rollins. Tuvo que obligarse a mantener la mano en la pared, obviando el impulso de tocarse la cicatriz de su ojos derecho. 

Por eso estaba allí esa noche. Para vengarse. 

Ella iba a ver cómo ese cabrón caía de su trono. Y cómo su imperio, su trabajo y su vida terminaba diluida en el lodo y la sangre a la que él la había tirado hace tanto años.

Pero, como siempre la recordaba Kaz, ladrillo a ladrillo. 

Siguió andando durante un par de pasillos, con su mano topándose de vez en cuando con algún cuadro colgado y sus pasos almohadillándose aun más con el paso de una alfombra sobre el parqué. 

Y, después de unos minutos, se paró enfrente de la puerta que estaba buscando. Hace unos años apenas se podría imaginar estar delante del dormitorio de Rollins sin llevarse una paliza a cambio. Y, ahora, ella era la que infundía el dolor esa vez.

¿Qué hora era? Las doce menos diez de la noche, según su reloj de bolsillo. Iba bien, pero tampoco la sobraba el tiempo. 

Trasteó un poco con la cerradura antes de abrir la puerta con un satisfactorio clic. Las bisagras chirriaron y T/n empujó la manilla hasta abrirla. 

Hubo un fogonazo de luz en cuanto abrió la puerta y entró.

La chica por instinto alzó las manos y dio un paso hacia atrás, alejándose de la luz.

¿Cómo no se le había ocurrido antes? Tendría que haber buscado latidos antes de entrar. Y había uno.

No tuvo tiempo de reaccionar antes de que alguien le agarrara de las muñecas y tirara hacia ella para adelante, inmovilizándola las manos y obligándola a entrar en la habitación. 

¿Acaso crees que podrías burlarme, niña?- una voz demasiado conocida le susurró al oído, haciéndola estremecerse por completo.

¿Por qué la temblaban las manos? Ya no era una niña indefensa. Aun así, no pudo deshacerse del nudo que se había creado en su estómago. Eso no podía volver a pasar.

Un segundo fogonazo de luz vino, pero esta vez disminuyó hasta una potencia normal, iluminando la habitación con completa normalidad. 

Y T/n se encontró con el rostro sonriente de Rollins a apenas un palmo del suyo, mirándola con la satisfacción de un tigre al haber sido más inteligente y feroz que su presa. 

-¿Es que no aprendes? -volvió a susurrar, apretando su agarre en las muñecas y golpeándola con la pared- No puedes huir de mí, ni menos hacerme daño. 

-Tengo armas, Pekka.- se obligó a responder, pero su voz se rasgó a la mitad.

- ¿Y qué pensabas que ibas a hacer, eh?- el hombre se rió.- ¿Ralentizarme el corazón? ¿Con qué manos?

Pekka dió un golpe seco y fuerte a la pared en un instante, con las muñecas de T/n cogidas. 

Ella apenas pudo racionalizar lo que había pasado antes de que un relámpago de dolor le recorriera desde las manos hasta el codo. Gritó, sin importarle si algún guardia pudiera escucharla ahora. Gritó sin importarle lo que Rollins pensara de ella.

Solamente era dolor. Hacía mucho que nada la dolía así de fuerte. No desde que se marchó del lado de Rollins. 

Intentó mover los dedos, pero otra oleada de dolor la paró.

-¿Lo ves, T/n? ¿Qué vas a hacer ahora? -Rolins se rio, dándole un apretón a su agarre antes de hacerla tropezar al suelo y soltarla.- ¿Vas a llorar y pedir ayuda a ese Brekker como el perrito faldero que eres? ¿Me vas a pedir clemencia a cambio de lo que yo quiera esta noche? ¿Qué vas a hacer? 

T/n intentó levantarse pare luchar, apoyándose en sus codos, pero una patada en las costillas hizo que so volviera a caer. Y luego vino un golpe y luego otro.

Y de repente T/n ya no estaba en el dormitorio de Rollins. No, esta vez estaba en su despacho en el Palacio Esmeralda, con doce años y enfrentándose a un Pekka Rollins enfadado. Muy enfadado.

T/n casi podía ver ese cinturón volver a golpear contra ella y sentir la sangre correr por su cara desde la herida abierta de su ojo. 

Dolía. Todo. 

Se llevó una mano a la cara, intentando protegerse. Se apretó todo lo que pudo contra la pared y se mordió la lengua. 

-Eres débil.- un pisotón en la rodilla y un empujón la hicieron rodar en el suelo.- Asúmelo, no vas a salir por ti misma de aquí. Así que, según lo veo yo tienes dos opciones: O te ahorras la paliza de hoy a cambio de toda la información de este plan que Brekker a montado, o te golpeo hasta que cantes. Vamos, sé inteligente, con una u otra vas a terminar traicionándolos. 

Con otro fuerte pisotón en la espalda, Rollins la volvió a estampar contra la alfombra y le estampó la cara contra ella.

El tejido absorbió el sonido de su llanto ahogado, pero él pudo escuchar el leve hipido que salió de su boca. Sólo esperó a que el resto de golpes vinieran a ella.

Pekka tenía razón. ¿Qué iba a hacer ella? Hace años T/n no podía ni soñar a enfrentarse a él. ¿Qué había cambiado a lo largo de estos años? La respuesta era demasiado fácil como para no resultar dura: Nada, no había cambiado nada. 

Se hizo un ovillo e intentó reprimir todos los gritos que pudo. Pero, al final no pudo hacer nada para volver al despacho en el Palacio Esmeralda. 

A las doce en punto una alarma empezó a sonar por toda la Mansión, agujereando los tímpanos de cualquier persona que estuviera por allí y poniéndola en alerta. 

Por suerte, Inej ya había dejado el peluche de cuervo en la habitación del niño y lo único que la quedaba era huir. Se había encontrado con más guardias de los previstos y con más cerraduras echadas de lo normal, pero lo había conseguido.

Ahora sólo la quedaba rezar para que el resto también lo hubiera hecho antes de verse obligados a huir.

Inej empezó a correr pasillo abajo hasta llegar a la escalera, donde se deslizó por la barandilla antes de echar a correr otra vez.

Esto entraba en los planes. Habían estudiado los sistemas de seguridad de la Mansión y la alarma manual era una opción, improbable, pero posible. Y Kaz se había encargado de que todos estuvieran al tanto de todo. 

Se dirigió hacia la salida oeste para ir al barco, donde habían acordado antes. Todavía quedaban varios pasillos y pisos antes de salir, pero nunca estaba de más darse prisa. 

-¡Inej!- El se escuchó sobre el ruido atronador de la alarma.

La chica se giró hacia atrás, con las manos en sus dagas y el cuerpo en tensión. Casi tuvo que contenerse de lanzar el arma por impulso en cuanto vió que sólo era Jesper. 

-¡Inej, espera!- Volvió a gritarla, corriendo hacia ella.

La chica sonrió, negando con la cabeza para sí mientras le esperaba. Cuando el zemeni llegó a su altura, la chica siguió andando pasillo abajo con paso ligero, obligando a Jesper a seguirla el ritmo.

-¿Sabes lo que ha pasado?- Inej gritó lo suficiente como para que la alarma no la tapara. 

-Más o menos. -El zemeni asintió, ajustándose el sombrero en la cabeza mientras corrían.- La alarma ha empezado a sonar sin previo aviso, así que Matthias ha hecho explotar la zona sur para que todos los guardias vayan hacia allá y que tengamos la vía de huida más o menos libre. 

-¿Y Matthias dónde está? -Inej frunció el ceño. Eso era malo, teóricamente no iban a tener que llegar a esos extremos. Aunque tal vez habría sido lo mejor con tantos guardias alrededor. 

-Lo vi a través de una ventana, dirigiéndose bosque abajo hacia el barco. A estas alturas ya debería de estar en el barco. -el chico respondió mientras giraban a la derecha por los pasillos oscuros e iban escaleras abajo.- Wylan ha mandado un comunicado con el cacharro ese diciendo que Nina y Kaz ya están con él. 

-¿Con el Walkie Talkie? -Inej se deslizó por la barandilla dos pisos más abajo y se quedó viendo cómo Jesper la intentaba imitar y casi caía de morros en los escalones. 

-Sí. -bajó tambaleándose de la baranda antes de volver a correr- Ha dicho que tienen las cartas, y yo he conseguido los documentos.

-Yo también he dejado el peluche en su lugar, así que la mayoría de la misión está hecha. -Inej se calló un momento antes de seguir.- Jesper, ¿Y T/n?

-¿T/n? No tengo ni idea. -Jesper se paró un momento, asomándose por el cristal de una ventana antes de seguir.- Más la vale estar de vuelta hacia la barcaza. 

-¿No tienes ninguna información sobre ella?

-La última vez que la vi estaba dirigiéndose hacia los dormitorios de la Mansión para dejar la nota, como acordamos.- Se encogió de hombros, abriendo la puerta de salida.'

En cuanto la abrió, el sonido de la alarma se oía más fuerte y el viento del exterior se coló y los revolvió a los dos.

Jesper siguió trotando, pero se giró en cuanto vió que Inej no le seguía. 

-¿Y no ha salido? -la suli preguntó, todavía en el umbral de la puerta, sin ningún ademán a salir.

-Inej... -Jesper advirtió, dando un paso más hacia ella.- No hagas lo que pienso que vas a hacer. 

-Es mi amiga. -le recordó, sacando los cuchillos de su lugar y tanteando su peso en sus manos. 

-¡Y la mía también! Pero ya sabes las normas de esto. -Jesper refutó, llevándose una mano al tabique de la nariz y negando para sí.- No podemos hacer nada más. Venga ven a la barcaza. 

Jesper volvió a alzar la mirada al umbral de la puerta, pero Inej ya no estaba a su lado. Tampoco se fue a buscarla al interior ni por los alrededores de la Mansión. 

Si Inej quería desaparecer, nadie podía encontrarla. Ella era el Espectro y, por mucho que quisieras atrapar las sombras, estas se escurrían entre tus dedos. Eso Jesper lo sabía por experiencia.

No tuvo más remedio que dirigirse colina abajo, adentrándose en el bosque y trotando hacia la barcaza mientras sus pensamientos iban una y otra vez a Inej y T/n. 

-Más os vale salir de allí vivas. -refunfuñó.- Como no lo hagáis, Kaz me va a arrancar un ojo. 

T/n apenas hizo caso a los gritos y la lucha a su alrededor. Su cerebro ni siquiera lo racionalizó. 

Siguió allí, hecha un ovillo contra la parece y con los ojos cerrados, esperando al siguiente golpe con la misma paciencia con la que había recibido los anteriores. Sabía que esto iba a terminar en algún momento. Siempre terminaba, tal vez unos minutos o unas horas más, siempre dependía del día. 

Cerró los ojos un poco más fuerte, apretando sus manos en puños para que no le temblaran más. Tampoco podía hacer nada más, su cuerpo entero temblaba. 

Se concentró en respirar: Soltar aire y cogerlo. Eso era fácil, ¿verdad? Pero sus pulmones ardían demasiado como para no concentrarse en ello y no volver al despacho en el Palacio Esmeralda. 

Se llevó las manos a la cara, a su cicatriz en el ojo. Él lo iba a volver a hacer.

Él lo estaba volviendo a hacer.

-T/n... -escuchó una voz susurrarla, pero no pudo reconocer de quién era ni de dónde venía.- T/n, estoy aquí. 

Cuando esas manos desconocidas la agarraron de los antebrazos, T/n se obligó a luchar contra ellas y cerrar los ojos aún más fuerte.

Era él, ¿no? Pekka Rollins seguía allí. 

-Déjame.- consiguió graznar en cuanto vió que el agarre en sus brazos se hacía más fuerte.- Suéltame, por favor. 

Sintió dolor. Es lo único que la recorría en ese momento. La sangre en varios cortes ardiendo en el roce de su ropa, los moretones aplastándola la carne y su estómago encogiéndose  tanto hasta darlas ganas de vomitar.

-Por favor. -Volvió a susurrar, su voz rompiéndose mientras hacia todo el esfuerzo por seguir tirando de esa fuerza que la agarraba. 

-T/n... soy yo. -La voz volvió a susurrar.- Soy Inej. Acabo de dejar inconsciente a Pekka y tenemos que salir de aquí antes de que venga alguien. Venga, ¿puedes levantarte?

T/n negó con la cabeza, cediendo ante el agarre por el cansancio que la envolvía cada parte de su cuerpo.

-Déjame. -murmuró, su cuerpo cayendo hacia delante por su propio peso- El va a volver. Déjame. 

Sintió cómo su rostro se apoyó en algo suave y blando. Olía a jabón de flores, como a Inej. Aun así, se rindió. Cada parte de su cuerpo dolía y pesaba como el cemento armado. No podía moverse. No podía hacer nada. 

Inej respiró hondo, con la cabeza de T/n apoyada sobre su hombro y su peso encima de ella. 

Tenían que salir de allí lo más rápido posible y estaba claro que T/n no podía salir sola. No había suficiente tiempo como para esperar a que recuperara la compostura. 

Así que sólo quedaba una opción. 

Maniobró con el cuerpo de T/n aturdido sobre ella, obligándose a no pensar en la sangre que manchó sus manos cuando pasó una mano por su torso estómago para erguirla. 

Rodeó sus brazos alrededor de su propio cuello y se inclinó para adelante para que ella reposara en su espalda. 

Suspiró un momento. Iba a ser un camino largo de vuelta. 

-T/n, tienes que agarrarte todo lo que puedas a mí, ¿entendido? -La suli preguntó en un murmullo calmado. Gracias a los Sanktos desde allí la alarma no se hacía sonar tan fuerte, dándole un respiro a sus oídos, que ya habían empezado a pitar.  

T/n se movió.

Muy poco y de manera torpe, los brazos de la chica rodearon el cuello de Inej hasta agarrarse con una última acción. No se movió más. Ni un solo músculo. Pero eso fue suficiente para Inej.

La suli sintió cómo la respiración agitada de su amiga era el único movimiento que hacía, su sudor empapándola junto a la sangre. Era bueno saber que aún mantenía la conciencia. 

-Bien. Te advierto que esto va a ser un viaje movidito. -Inej susurró, intentando darse ánimos a sí misma más que a ella.- ¿Lista?

-¿Y Pekka? -Apenas fue un suspiro al lado de su oído, pero Inej pudo escucharlo con total claridad. 

-¿Cómo? -frunció el ceño.- Él se ha ido por el momento, estas a salvo. 

Inej sintió cómo T/n negaba con la cabeza, con su frente apoyada sobre su hombro.

-No. -Eso fue todo lo que dijo en un graznido ronco. 

Inej, en ese momento, no tuvo corazón ni cerebro como para decir algo más. Simplemente todo lo que se la ocurría parecía peor opción que el silencio, así que se puso en movimiento. 

Agarró a T/n por la parte de atrás de su rodillas y usó todo el impulso que tuvo para ponerse de pie con T/n encima de ella a caballito. 

Cuando se equilibró, dio un paso y luego otro, saliendo de la habitación a paso lento y cansado.

Iba a ser un camino muy largo. Con suerte todos los guardias estarían en la zona sur y no tendría que verse en una pelea.

Inej sacudió la cabeza, deshaciéndose de ese pensamiento mientras sentía el sudor rodar por su frente por el esfuerzo. Sin poder hacer nada más, rezó todas las plegarias que se sabía. 

Kaz corrió todo lo rápido que pudo entre los árboles.

La rodilla le crujía cada vez que la doblaba y estiraba, quejándose de los movimientos demasiado bruscos y rápidos. Pero Kaz no se paró, haciendo caso omiso a la sensación de calor y ardor que empezaba a instalarse.

En cuanto vió a Jesper sin su sonrisa típica después de un atraco, supo que algo andaba mal. Y cuando vió que subía callado, supo que no sólo algo estaba mal: Algo estaba muy mal. 

No perdió tiempo. Dejó su bastón apoyado en la balaustrada del barco y avisó a Nina de que preparara su botiquín, a Matthias de que hiciera inventario de emergencia y a Wylan que se preparara para salir de aquí en cuanto él lo avisara. Cuando vió que todos se miraron entre sí pero le hicieron caso, bajó por la rampa a tierra firme a por Jesper. 

No hicieron falta más de una mirada seria para que él contara lo que había pasado. Kaz tampoco necesitó más para irse corriendo colina arriba.

El bosque estaba en completa penumbra, tan sólo iluminado con el fuego que venía de la Mansión. Kas se permitió regodearse durante un momento por haber podido hacer algo de daño a Rollins. Era sólo el ala de una casa, pero la reconstrucción iba a costar muchos Kruge.

Esa idea se escurrió en su mente en cuanto tropezó con una raíz y so rodilla se tambaleó hasta dejarle caer en el suelo. 

Mierda. Por la mañana no podría ni moverse sin que le doliera. 

Pero se levantó apoyándose en el tronco de un árbol y se sacudió los pantalones antes de ponerse en marcha porque tenía que hacerlo. Tenía que encontrarlas.

Había dejado a T/n sola ante la posibilidad de que Pekka Rollins apareciera por ahí y volviera a tenerla en sus manos. Él había sido lo suficientemente estúpido como para permitir la posibilidad de perderla.

Sintió su pecho apretarse en cuanto pensó en el hecho de que la había fallado. A ella.

Es idea parecía irreal.

Como una pesadilla.

El mundo se podría terminar en llamas, él se podría haber terminado convirtiendo en el monstruo que todos decían que era y la sangre podría pintar cada recodo de la ciudad. Pero él no iba a dejar que ella estuviera en peligro.

Antes quemaría todo su Kruge, aplastaría cada propósito de su vida y lucharía ante todo sólo para tener la oportunidad de que ella le volviera a mirar una vez más a los ojos. 

No podía perderla. 

No podía levantarse sabiendo que más tarde ella no vendría con un café caliente para él. No lo haría sabiendo que jamás volvería a ver su figura arrebujada en el sillón de su despacho o a escuchar su parloteo constante cada vez que paseaban hacia alguna entraña de Ketterdam.

Se paró en seco en medio del bosque, creyendo un momento habérselo imaginado. Pero cuando lo volvió a oír supo que lo había conseguido. Por otra parte, su pecho se encogió aun más.

-Inej... ¿Podemos parar? -escuchó un murmulló un poco más arriba, cerca de un estrecho entre los abetos. 

-¿Otra vez?- Una voz disonantemente nerviosa y cansada resonó, haciendo un silencio mientras escuchaba a la otra chica con un balbuceo que esta vez Kaz no pudo distinguir.- Vamos, ya queda poco. 

Kaz no perdió tiempo antes de correr otra vez hacia las voces, haciendo crujir las hojas caídas bajo su peso.

T/n intentó hacer entrar y salir el aire de sus pulmones a un ritmo constante.

Inspiró y espiró, intentando evitar pensar demasiado en el ardor en sus pulmones antes de dar otro paso más junto a Inej.

La suli había terminado por bajar a T/n de su espalda después de un par de pisos. Escapar con una persona a cuestas era demasiado esfuerzo, así que T/n terminó por verse apoyada en Inej mientras andaban poco a poco. 

Cerró los ojos, aferrándose más alrededor de los hombros de Inej. No podía hacerlo, no iban a llegar a la barcaza.

Sintió cómo su tobillo volvió a fallar y resbaló entre el follaje húmedo de la noche por centésima vez ese día. Gracias a Inej las dos no terminaron rodando colina abajo, pero el ardor en su costado aumentó un poco más, sintiendo la sangre caliente escurrir por su piel.

T/n escuchó a la suli gritar a su lado y detenerse. Tampoco se molesto en levantar la cabeza ni intentar enterarse de lo que pasaba. 

Hundió más su cabeza en el hombro de la chica, inspirando el olor a jabón de flores y sintiendo sus piernas doblarse sin poder hacer nada por evitarlo. 

Hacía rato que la adrenalina del atraco había empezado a dejar de circular por su cuerpo y todo empezaba a doler demasiado. Sintió demasiado cansancio como para abrir los ojos, y después de tanta lucha durante esa noche, dejó de lado la voz de Inej a su lado llamándola y se dejó llevar.

-Inej, vete a la barcaza.-Kaz la ayudó a levantarse del suelo antes de arrodillarse ante T/n.

-¿Cómo que me vaya? -la chica frunció el ceño, cruzándose de brazos.- Tenemos que irnos todos lo más rápido posible. 

-Por eso te estoy diciendo que te vayas.- Kaz espetó, su voz áspera resonando fuerte entre los árboles. Inej dió un paso para atrás instintivo, pero notó el temblor en las manos de Kaz.- Ve a la barcaza y pon en sobreaviso a todos antes de que lleguemos. Es una orden.

Inej miró un momento más a Kaz, que estaba empezando a recolocar a T/n entre sus brazos, mirando sus heridas. Sintió la ira que empezaba a arder dentro de Kaz y la delicadeza con la que trató a la chica mientras tanto. 

Supo que él iba a hacer todo lo que estuviera en sus manos como para volver a la barcaza con T/n, ocurriera lo que ocurriera. E Inej se permitió sentirse cansada por primera vez esa noche. Apenas habían pasado un par de horas desde que comenzaron la misión, pero todo había terminado siendo un ojo de huracán. 

¿Y ahora? Ya había terminado, por lo menos la parte más peligrosa.

Por eso se dejó escurrir entre las sombras del bosque, corriendo y saltando colina abajo hacia el barco. Dio la bienvenida al pelo en su cara y la pureza del frío de la noche. 

Sí, lo más peligroso había pasado, pero todavía quedaban cosas que hacer. Y esa noche se negaba a perder a su amiga. 

Por eso corrió un poquitín más rápido, dio saltos más largos y, en apenas unos minutos, subió a la cubierta.

Lo primero que T/n sintió al levantarse otra vez fue dolor. 

Todo su cuerpo parecía rozar sobre sí mismo y ante su ropa, adhiriéndose la sangre seca y los moratones empezando a enrojecerse para pasar a violáceos. El dolor la pinchaba por todas partes, lánguido en algunas zonas y tenaz en otras.

Pero lo siguiente que sintió fue calor y suavidad.

Hundió su cabeza en la tela afelpada en la que se apoyaba, sintiendo cómo la envolvía y la acunaba. Esta vez, cuando se concentró en su respiración descubrió que, aunque seguía doliendo, su corazón yacía tranquilo en su pecho.

¿Eso era lo que se sentía al morir? Las heridas la seguían doliendo, pero a ella no la hubiera importado pasarse así el resto de la eternidad: En un balanceo suave y el calor a su alrededor.

Abrió los ojos, parpadeando antes de enfocarlos y sintiendo que se le escocían y aguaban. Tardó un momento en darse cuenta de que había siluetas en la oscuridad a su alrededor, y tardó un rato más en alzar la vista un poco más para ver que el rostro de Kaz enfrente de ella.

¿Era por eso por lo que las siluetas pasaban ante sus ojos mientras que ella no se movía? La hizo gracia descubrir que la tela afelpada en la que se apoyaba era sólo el abrigo de Kaz y que el calor agradable sólo provenía de él. 

¿Pero adónde iban? ¿Por qué él la llevaba? Ella estaba muerta, pero él era imposible que también lo estuviera. Él era Manos Sucias, el monstruo del Barril, y era imposible que muriera. 

Aun así, se obligó a abrir la boca. 

-¿Tú también estás muerto? .graznó en un susurro ronco, sintiendo su garganta arder en cuanto dejó pasar el aire por ella. Alzó la vista para mirarle a la cara. ¿Por qué nunca había notado lo oscuros que eran sus ojos?

- Espera a que estemos en el barco para que te pueda responder con sinceridad. -gruñó mientras deceleraba el paso para recolocarla un momento en su brazos antes de seguir otra vez.

El barco... ¿qué barco? Ah, el barco para la misión. Era pequeño y con olor a pescado pero fiable. Era el que Kaz usaba siempre para las misiones fuera de Ketterdam desde que el que usaron para ir a la Corte de Hielo explotó. 

T/n se acordó en ese momento. Era el atraco a Pekka Rollins para lo que se había usado ese barco. ¿Y Pekka Rollins? Él podría seguir persiguiéndoles, haciéndoles daño. Ese dolor no se lo había hecho la muerte, había sido Rollins.

T/n negó con la cabeza, inspirando más el olor del abrigo de Kaz.

- Pekka Rollins... él... va ha volver, Kaz -susurró, aferrándose más al cuerpo del chico por mucho que sus extremidades se quejaran por le movimiento.- No podemos huir de él.

Kaz se calló, dejando que el viento y el olor a pino y abeto recorriera el ambiente. Aun así, el chico no cambió de rumbo ni frenó el paso. 

Cuando T/n pensó que no la había escuchado, ella sintió el pecho del chico vibrar cuando respondió lentamente.

-¿Qué ha pasado con Rollins? -preguntó en un gruñido seco, casi un murmullo.

Esa vez fue el turno de T/n de permanecer en silencio. No pudo evitar temblar otra vez, y cerró los ojos en cuanto sintió que se le volvían a humedecer.

-T/n. -la voz de Kaz adquirió un tono de advertencia.-Dime qué te ha hecho.

Tampoco dijo nada, T/n volvió al despacho de Pekka Rollins en el Palacio Esmeralda. Sintió la sangre volver a correr por su cara y, por muy cerrado que tuviera los ojos ahora, vió al hombre acercarse más a ella, susurrándola que como gritara más las cosas iban a ser peor.

Su corazón volvió a latir demasiado fuerte y su garganta se cerró.

-Lo ha vuelto a hacer.- murmuró, dejándose caer en su mente otra vez. El calor se había ido otra vez de su cuerpo y sus oídos empezaron a pitar. 

Por desgracia, no escuchó el ruido cercano del mar ni vió la silueta borrosa del barco entre el brillo de la luna sobre el mar.

T/n se tapó aun más con todas las mantas que Matthias había recabado para ella, recolocando el camastro improvisado que había hecho en una de las esquinas del camarote. No sabía por qué, pero no podía deshacerse del frío que se había instalado en ella.

Cuando terminó, apoyó la espalda y le cabeza en las paredes de madera, manteniendo a la vista toda la perspectiva de la habitación, vigilando el ventanuco redondo y la puerta casi podrida.

Vigiló en la penumbra, todavía con el amanecer demasiado lejos. Vigiló por si Pekka Rollins volvía a aparecer para llevársela a ella, tal vez para volverla a tener en su custodia o para volverla a vender a Tante Heleen. 

Un escalofrío entero volvió a recorrerla toda la espina dorsal y el temblor en su manos no hizo nada más que aumentar. Tanteó el bolsillo donde solía guardar su daga de emergencia, no estaría de más estar preparada por si él venía a por ella. 

Tuvo que respirar hondo un par de veces cuando sintió su estómago cerrarse al no notar el arma. Sólo se encontró con una camisa de repuesto de Nina y unos pantalones que sobraban de Matthias. 

Frunció el ceño, intentando recordar el momento en el que Nina la había cambiado de ropa mientras la curaba todas las heridas infringidas. O por lo menos todas las que T/n pudo soportar antes de que el contacto piel con piel fuera demasiado. 

No recordó mucho. Sólo el despacho de Rollins en su retina y sus gritos para que nadie más que Nina entrara allí. 

Buscó un arma de por si acaso, cualquier cosa que se pudiera necesitar, ¿pero qué había allí? Una lámpara de aceite que se había gastado ya desde que Nina la dejó allí antes de que la echara a ella también.

Empezó a hacer círculos con las muñecas, sintiendo cómo crujían cada vez que las movían. Algo de bilis subió por su garganta cuando recordó las manos de Pekka sobre sus muñecas, su aliento en su cara y su fuerza impregnarse en moretones alrededor de su cuerpo. 

Antes que el costado que le dolía al respirar y la nariz torcida, T/n suplicó que las huellas moradas de los dedos de Rollins fuera lo primero que Nina curara. Simplemente no podía soportar verlas en ella otra vez, con las manos completamente destrozadas por el golpe. 

Se acurrucó un poco más, intentando descansar un poco. Se llevó las manos por fin útiles al pecho y se concentró. Buscó un cosquilleo de su pequeña ciencia e intentó ralentizar los golpeteos erráticos de su corazón. No podía deshacerse del miedo que la envolvía, pero tenía que hacer algo para poder parar de pensar en él. 

Lo intentó. De veras que se concentró todo lo que pudo en intentar mantenerse serena. Pero del Palacio Esmeralda pasó a la Casa de las Fieras, y de allí otra vez a la huida de matones por las calles. Todo dolo y miedo, cada cosa que sentía ahora y que la llevaba arrastrando durante toda su vida.

No pudo hacerlo. Quito las manos de su pecho para secarse las lágrimas y pasarse una manga por la nariz moqueada. Siempre volvían y, por mucho que ella huía, la encontraban. Tal vez no Pekka Rollins, pero sí lo que él la había hecho ya. 

El barco era pequeño.

Kaz lo había elegido en un principio por justamente eso. Su tamaño los haría más difíciles de localizar mientras se movían o se escondían.

Pero, por otra parte, en un barco tan pequeño era más difícil tener un lugar tranquilo y desolado para estar. Apenas había tres camarotes enanos en el barco, sin contar obviamente la sala de máquinas. Aunque, pensándolo bien, Kaz tampoco pensó que sobreviviría a estar encerrado en una habitación más pequeña rodeado de agua él sólo.

Por eso eligió un lugar entre un par de cajas y cabos colgantes en la aleta de estribor. Se quedó sentado, estirando la pierna con su rodilla palpitante sobre unas cajas y observando el brillo de la luna fragmentarse en el agua y difuminarse en el cielo.

Se quedó largo rato, en silencio, simplemente sin ganas de nada más que dejarse acunar por el balanceo del barco e, inevitablemente, pensar en T/n.

Durante ese rato llegó a la conclusión de que él era un idiota engreído, que debería de decir a T/n que su corazón podrido le pertenecía antes de que se le pasara la oportunidad y que se negaba a descansar antes de que Rollins yaciera sufriendo el doble de lo que les había hecho. Ya no sólo por Jordie, sino por ella.

Obviamente, Kaz prefería morir antes que aceptar todas esas cosas de forma tan clara.

Kaz se sintió frustrado.

Y por eso se quedó en silencio allí, fulminando a la luna delante de él mientras ella seguía iluminando de forma serena y constante. ¿Cómo se suponía que se podía estar tan impasible si ella había sido testigo de todo lo que había pasado?

Se frotó el cuello con cansancio y bufó. 

Y, como siempre, su mente volvió otra vez a T/n mientras veía el agua ondear ante el susurro del viento frío. Auqneu tampoco pasó largo rato hasta que Inej vino hacia él.

Notó su presencia antes que sus pasos en la madera crujiente, apenas haciendo más ruido que las olas sobre el casco. se acercó poco a poco a él, dándole tiempo a advertir de su presencia antes de sentarse en una caja a su lado y mirar el horizonte junto a él.

Se quedaron en silencio, con la luna todavía como único testigo. Qué malvada era, observándolos desde allá arriba, con una sonrisa ladeada mientras él no sabía que hacer.

Pero no podía quedarse de brazos cruzados. No después de escuchar cómo T/n echaba a gritos a todo aquel que intentaba entrar en la habitación y después de haber visto sus lágrimas manchar el hombro des su abrigo después de haberla preguntado sobre Rollins. 

Él tenía que hacer algo. Y le prometió a la luna que ella iba a ser testigo de su venganza y de la felicidad de T/n. Él se iba a hacer cargo de conseguirlo.

Y no acostumbraba a incumplir las promesas que hacía, por muy corrompida que tuviera el alma.

-¿Cómo está? -preguntó en un susurro ronco, aclarando la voz después de haber estado sin usarla durante tanto tiempo.

Inej se encogió de hombros, mirando al chico de reojo antes de volver su atención al mar en calma.

-Sigue dentro. -aclaró con delicadeza para no romper la paz alrededor.- Nina dice que ha conseguido convencerla para curar la mayoría de las heridas antes de que la terminara echando de la habitación. Piensa que el resto se lo curará ella misma. Se niega a salir y ha dejado muy claro que quiere estar sola

Kaz tarareó en respuesta distraídamente, dejando que el peso de las palabras de Inej recayeran sobre sus hombros. Eso era su culpa. Debía de haberla protegido, debía de habérsela llevado a su lado. Él había fallado

Se frotó los ojos con el dorso de la mano, dejando divagar su vista en las vetas de la madera bajo él. ¿Cómo podría haber pensado que algo así no pasaría? Su trabajo era prever todas las cosas que podían llegar a salir mal, y eso era lo más obvio que podría haber visto venir.

Pero confió demasiado en el informante que le había dicho que esa semana Rollins no estaría en la Mansión. Se dejó llevar por la ambición de hundirlo de una vez por todas.

Y lo iba a hacer. Sintió el peso de las cartas robadas en su bolsillo. Jesper le había dado hace rato los documentos que lo acreditaban. Habían conseguido completar la misión, ¿pero a qué coste?

-Deberías de ir a hablar con ella.- La voz de Inej le sacó de su propia mente, haciéndole volver a enfocar la mirada en la realidad.

El chico alzó una ceja y miró a Inej a los ojos.

-Acabas de decir que quiere estar sola. -puntualizó.

-Pero no creo que sea bueno que lo esté. -Inej contraatacó con su voz calmada. Todo el nervió que había en ella durante su huida por el bosque había desaparecido, y eso consoló un poco a Kaz.- Y eres el último en intentar entrar. Hasta Matthias se ha pasado a probar suerte.

Kaz sonrió de lado sarcásticamente, sacudiendo la cabeza mientras reía sin gracia

-Mi querida Sankta suli, ¿acaso no vas a dejar de ser mi conciencia ni un sólo día? -se quejó, mirando a Inej a los ojos.

La chica no pudo hacer más que sonreírle, dándole ánimos. En otras cosas era indescifrable, pero cuando se trataba de T/N el chico era más obvio que unos zapatos rosas en un funeral.

-Alguien tendrá que tener algo de moral por los dos. -La chica le dio un empujoncito en el hombro a Kaz, instándole a levantarse -Anda, ve a intentarlo.

Él suspiró con cansancio, flexionando lentamente la rodilla hacia abajo antes de ponerse de pie y marchar cojeando hacia las entrañas de la barcaza, refunfuñando algo sobre la moral y convertirse en un blandengue. 

Cuando se quedó sola, la chica se rió, negando con la cabeza.

T/n no podría haber encontrado a un chico más inoportuno y áspero para el que caer.

Aun así, le deseó suerte en silencio antes de empezar a rezarles a sus Sanktos mientras se dirigía a su cama, pidiéndoles algo de suerte esa noche para la pareja.

Dos golpes en la puerta de la habitación fueron suficientes como para que T/n se escondiera entre las mantas del peligro a su alrededor de la misma forma con la que lo haría una tortuga en su caparazón.

No es Pekka Rollins. No puede ser Pekka Rollins.

Por mucho que se repitiera eso en la cabeza, su cuerpo siguió sintiendo el mismo miedo que aquella noche en la que salió con el rostro sangrando.

-Vete. -graznó con la voz ronca después de llorar.- Por favor.

Hubo un pequeño silencio en el que creyó que de verdad que la habían dejado en paz. Pero una voz volvió a cortar el aire.

-Soy Kaz. -esa voz grave y áspera salió desde el otro lado de la puerta, captando su atención. Esa voz que T/n conocía demasiado bien.

El chico esperó, manteniendo su mirada delante de la puerta de madera enfrente de él. Y los segundos se escurrieron de forma eterna, sintiendo cómo el vació le daba la bienvenida. 

Suspiró con cansancio. Al menos no le había dicho que no todavía, se intentó consolar antes de sacar las ganzúas de un bolsillo secreto en el interior de su manga y empezar a urgar en la cerradura.

Era sencilla y hosca, así que no le llevaría más de un minuto.

-¿Puedo entrar contigo? -preguntó, intentando conseguir tiempo o al menos sacarle una respuesta a la chica. Ese silencio le preocupaba.- Afuera hace un frío de mil demonios y no es muy bueno para la rodilla. Jesper, como siempre ha vuelto a ocupar la cama buena y me niego a dormir otra vez en ese petate.

Se calló en el momento en el que encontró el último punto a la cerradura. No hubo ninguna respuesta de parte de T/n, así que empujó con la ganzúa para que la puerta hiciera clic.

-Voy a entrar, ¿vale? -avisó, inclinando el manillar y abriendo la puerta con un chirrido inquietante. 

Entró dando un par de pasos lentos, intentando no asustarla. Sus ojos escanearon la habitación y no tardaron en encontrarla en el bulto inmenso de mantas en una esquina.

Bajo su atenta mirada, Kaz cerró la puerta detrás de sí y volvió a echar el cerrojo interior. La cerradura era una birria, pero si eso hacía sentir más segura a T/n, el lo dejaría puesto.

Volvió a girarse hacia ellas, encontrándose con sus ojos completamente abiertos y mirándole desde su fuerte de mantas. De forma lánguida deliberada, se acercó a ella, sentándose en el suelo y apoyando la espalda en la pared contraria en la que estaba T/n.

La habitación era tan pequeña que, cuando estiró las piernas hacia delante, la suela de su zapato rozaba el nido de mantas, a apenas un palmo de distancia de la rodilla de la chica.

-¿Qué haces aquí? -la chica volvió a graznar, apenas un susurro ronco antes de que se le quebrara la voz.

-¿No es obvio? -Kaz alzó una ceja, sonriendo calmadamente. Aprovechó la excusa que tenía para mirar a T/n al rostro sin ninguna discreción. No todos los días podía permitirse el lujo de no mirarla de reojo mientras pasaba por su lado o la escuchaba reírse bien alto de algún chiste malo de Jesper.

Pero esta vez Kaz se encontró con vacío en esos ojos que tanto adoraba. Ese ojo ciego, acompañado del útil, miraban a Kaz con el mismo ansia con la que una persona se aferraría a una cuerda auxiliar si estuviera pendiendo sobre un barranco.

El chico tragó saliva, intentando dejar de lado el nudo de su garganta ante ese miedo. Esos ojos no deberían de haber conocido nunca lo que era el dolor. No los de ella, por lo menos. 

Sintió su corazón dar un vuelco en su pecho. 

Mierda... ¿Acaso no era que, Kaz Brekker, el infame Manos sucias, no tenía corazón? Hacía mucho que no lo sentía latir fuerte dentro de sí.

Estúpido, volvió a pensar para sí. Para ella siempre había tenido corazón.

Kaz soltó un suspiro satisfactorio, hundiéndose en su esquina y estirando un poco la punta de su zapato para que tocara la rodilla de T/n. Él la sintió tensarse desde su sitio, quedándose quieta durante unos instantes antes de darse cuenta de que era sólo él.

Kaz temió que la chica lo echara de allí o le mirara con más miedo, esta vez dirigido a él. Pero pudo respirar tranquilo cuando ella volvió a apoyar la cabeza en el lateral de la pared, dejándose tranquilizar por él.

El barco se balanceaba sobre el agua y desde allí se podía escuchar las olas rugir contra las paredes del camarote..

Kaz esperó poco, dejando que lo que quedaba de noche pasara y la chica cerrara los ojos y se dejara caer entre todas las mantas, apoyándose en la pared.

Fueron las seis y diez de la mañana, según su reloj, cuando el cielo empezó a clarearse.

Unos rayos de luz tiernos apenas lograron entras en el camarote a través del ojos de buey, formando una estela dorada ante cada cosa que rozaba. Y resultó que lo primero que rozó esa luz fue el rostro de T/n dormido.

Kaz la miró. ¿Cuándo había sido la última vez que la había visto tan tranquila? El ya siquiera lo sabía. Tampoco lo pensó mucho, porque en lo único que dejó marchar su mente fue en que ese camarote perdido de la mano de los Sanktos había sido el mejor lugar en el que podría haber terminado a parar.

Divagó sobre la cantidad de Kruge que podrían haber ganado hoy, ante la ruina de Rollins. Podrían tener miles de millones como para vivir sin preocupaciones durante años. Aunque Kaz, en ese momento, pensó que había sido mejor no conseguirlos. 

Supo plenamente que, si tuviera la oportunidad ahora, se los habría gastado para pagar uno de esos Dekappel con la imagen delante de él. 

Su cuerpo estaba hecho un ovillo alrededor de las mantas, con su pecho subiendo y bajando de una forma tranquila, casi anestesiante para el alma. Sus labios se inclinaban pequeñamente hacia arriba, acompañando el color que había vuelto a su rostro mientras dormía.

El único fallo que vió Kaz es que así no podía ver el color de sus ojos mirarlo fijamente.

Kaz bajó la vista a los tablones del suelo, sintiendo el calor subírsele a las orejas y la cara ante el pensamiento de esos ojos. 

Mierda, era su corazón otra vez. ¿Qué se suponía que tenía que hacer con él?

Entregárselo a ella, decía Rietveld.

Destruirlo, decía Brekker.

¿Pero qué decía Kaz? Ese Kaz abrazó el calor que escurrió por su pecho y se dejó calentar por él, aunque fuera sólo durante ese momento que rozaba lo idílico.

Tarareó tranquilamente para sí según la luz iba haciéndose paso. No se sabía bellas sonatas o vals, ni su voz tampoco era suave y dulce. Pero eso no le evitó coger la primera canción de taberna que recordó y con su voz ronca tarareó.

Se sentía feliz y no podía parar. Se sentía libre y tranquilo por primera vez desde hace mucho tiempo. Se sintió como si volviera a estar otra vez corriendo en los alrededores de la Granja, huyendo del Jordie mientras jugaban al pilla pilla durante una tarde de verano.

Y no pudo evitar sonreír.

Se dejó embriagar por esa sensación hasta que el sueño lo venció a él también después de una noche en vela.

-Te amo.- fue lo último que susurró en el interior de esa habitación antes de cerrar los párpados y dejarse llevar.

Tal vez en sus sueños podría seguir sintiendo ese calor en su pecho.

[happyhauntt]

— march fic recs, brought to you by happyhauntt.

a wee fic rec post for a few of the fics i read in march that altered my brain chemistry!! i've put a lil comment next to each rec because honestly writers don't get praised enough for their work these days and i wanted to show my appreciation for these talented souls!!

grishaverse.

➡ kaz brekker.

what do you want from me by @rubysunnday. notes: literally perfect wtf.

dark days by rubysunnday. notes: i reread this literally constantly, it is so perfect, kaz's characterisation is perfect, i adore it.

bloody hands by rubysunnday. notes: i devoured this whole thing like a starving person it was sO good.

when am i gonna lose you? by @crowsmybeloveds. notes: this is so beautiful honestly i have no words.

the lost princess by @ellewritesalright. notes: look it's only part one but elle is a fucking wizard and i'm a sucker for an anastasia au.

you and me (a whole lot of history) by @heliads. notes: this was so cute and such a clever concept i fell in love!!!

schat by @amourology. notes: fully choked this is so adorable.

soulmate by @magpiencrow. notes: KAZ BREKKER SOULMATE AU didn't know i needed this but now i need 100 more!!!!

➡ nikolai lantsov.

nine long years series by @ellewritesalright. notes: i am actively fucking screaming over this fic. i will never stop. this might genuinely be the best thing i've read in a LONG while. everything about it has me sobbing i actively CANNOT COPE. and it's not even finished yet.

one of us by @songofpatrochilless. notes: literally had me sobbing you don't understand the domesticity of it all!!!!!.

come on back to me by @atlabeth. notes: there is a very strong chance that i'll literally never stop screaming about this fic.

dreams of you by @wh0refornikolailantsov. notes: every cell in my body is SCREAMING.

this love by @lantsovsupremacist. notes: did not, in fact, give you permission to hurt me like this do it again.

salt in the wound by @in-my-feels-probably. notes: brain goes brrrr this has everything i need to survive tbh.

wanting was enough by @rubysunnday. notes: beautiful stunning magnificent i want to eat it.

an exhausted smile by @writing-havoc. notes: think i had an aneurysm reading this it was that amazing.

run away with me by @sumsebien. notes: i am still sobbing over this.

in emerald hearts, emerald minds by @undiscovered-horizon. notes: love love love love love. there aren't enough words in any language to describe how much i love this.

➡ alina starkov.

alina starkov x reader by @heliads. notes: alina does not get nearly enough love and this was so fucking sad and cute and brilliant.

➡ nina zenik.

the ten steps to 'i love you' by @sophierequests. notes: this was SO HEARTWARMING AND SWEET i adored it!!!

➡ zoya nazyalensky.

forget-me-nots by @syllvane. notes: not enough zoya fics on this hellsite. but also this ripped my heart out and made me sob so RUDE. i feel devastated.

➡ inej ghafa.

inej ghafa x reader by @heliads. notes: INEJ MY SWEET BABY, this fic is everything to me. everything. and it's so beautifully written!!!

➡ the darkling.

the dark side of the moon series by @myhairpintrigger. notes: this fic is ASTOUNDING. i haven’t cried this much reading something in a long time. i was FULL-BODY SOBBING. i don’t even like the darkling. i am Not a darkling girlie. but i was intrigued by concept of this fic and i can safely say it has ruined my life. this is Emotional Damage Incarnate. i will never recover. author, i salute you.

911.

through the smoke by @borntobewondering. notes: spent twenty whole minutes sobbing after reading this. i felt undone i felt hollow i felt so utterly fucked. author is a genius and that's all there is to say.

not so one night stand by @shmaptainwrites. notes: this was so fuckin adorable i'm in love.

d.c. to l.a. by shmaptainwrites. notes: bobby my guy just doesn't get enough fucking credit and this is so fucking adorable.

criminal minds.

➡ spencer reid.

trouble almost all my life by @januaryembrs. notes: this series is. it's literally. everything. i love bugsy like she's my own child. sister relationships are everything to me. i spent an hour sobbing in my bed over parts 2 and 3. i want this tattooed on my forehead.

➡ aaron hotchner.

found by @benedictscanvas. notes: DADDY i mean what. all jokes aside this was so sweet and beautiful and i'm in love the writing!!!

doctor who.

rage rage (against the dying of the light) by @morganas-pendragons. notes: felt feral after reading this. kayla just gets me in my feels every time.

heartbeat by morganas-pendragons. notes: this was the most emotional devastating thing i've ever read and i fully needed 3-5 business days to recover. rude. i want 100 more.

untitled by morganas-pendragons. notes: PAIN i love this so much.

ache by morganas-pendragons. notes: just scoop my heart out of my fucking chest i don't want it anymore after reading this.

a mind full of blissful terrors by @magiccath. notes: simply fucking amazing.

light in the dark by @i-imagine-my-doctor. notes: screaming please i adore this so much.

baby talk by @kisstherainwriting. notes: THE ABSOLUTE CUTIEST EVER. there's not enough clara fics and this had me squealing and feeling all warm and fuzzy!!!

holding my hand by kisstherainwriting. notes: angst galore this was STUNNING.

in another's eyes by @cas-kingdom. notes: PERFECTION.

where do we go now series by @theetherealbloom. notes: literally so fucking amazing i don't have enough words.

marauders.

the winner takes it all by @ellecdc. notes: brb faye is having a STROKE--

come back, be here series by ellecdc. notes: i think i had a full on stroke while reading this series. the attention to detail is insane. the characterisation is perfect.

i don't know you anymore (maybe i never really did) by @thenyoumightaswellwrestleangels. notes: SCREECHING i'm in love you don't understand.

bridgerton.

➡ anthony bridgerton.

distractions by @peterpparkrr. notes: simply immaculate.

right person, all the wrong times by @wwinterwitch. notes: did you mean one of my favourite tropes bc this is it.

right in front of me by @idontgiveaflyinggrayson69 & @thirteenisles. notes: i felt feral after reading this tbh.

➡ sibling!reader.

reluctant caretaker by @rubysunnday. notes: this fic hit my heart in all the right places okay sibling stuff means everything to me.

did she have a cookie by rubysunnday. notes: a joyous read from start to finish i CACKLED the whole way through.

moon knight.

come back to me by @mgparker. notes: still sobbing. immaculate.

the other sarcophagus by @starryevermore. notes: i literally reread this constantly i adore it so much!!

marc spector x reader by @softlyspector. notes: i had an aneurysm reading this and i haven't been the same since.

more marc spector x reader by softlyspector. notes: i am having an intense emotion hold on. anytime i see autistic stuff in canon content for any fandom i SQUEAK. and this is so well done honestly.

star wars.

heartless by @youvebeenlivingfictional. notes: i reread this constantly, it's so amazing and heartwrenching and beautiful and i want to eat it.

little talks by @light-yaers. notes: you simply do not understand how much i adore everything beff writes. i adore this fic more than i need oxygen to breathe.

right where you left me series by light-yaers. notes: personality-defining series. i LIVE for this fic. every update adds five years to my lifespan. if you're not reading this you are MISSING OUT.

a light, a song, a bluebird by @millllenniawrites. notes: made me SOB 10/10 would recommend if you like emotional trauma.

invisible string by @campingwiththecharmings. notes: pining!!! loneliness!!! i adore!!!

hard landings by @softlyspector. notes: no. no you don't understand. this fic doesn't just own my soul it is my soul. i want it tattooed on my face.

misc.

hopper x reader by @luveline. notes: you don't understand this might be the cutest shit i've ever read and jade is a fellow welsh person which automatically makes them brilliant in my book.

muña by @in-my-feels-probably. notes: alicent means fucking everything to me and this had me sobbing.

mistletoe magic by @writingsbychlo. notes: literally the cutest fucking thing ever, had me kicking my legs and squealing!!

[padsmoony04]

Would having my favorite fictional character as my boyfriend fix any of my problems? No, not at all, but at least I would get comfort cuddles and kisses on my forehead.

[moonylupinslibrary]

it's always the rich blond with a sunny personality and daddy issues for me

[atlabeth]

mine forever

request from @nghtwngs

pairing: nikolai lantsov x fem!tidemaker reader

a/n: SO sorry for posting this early and having to delete 💀 i was formatting and didnt realize i was not saving it as a draft lmao. but thank you for sending this in love!!! and PLEASEE send in as much nikolai as you want i miss writing for him so much

wc: 1.4k

warning(s): hurt/comfort. reader is insecure, nikolai is the sweetest as usual

join in on my 3k celebration!!

“You’re avoiding me.” 

Your eyes didn’t move away from the horizon when you heard Nikolai’s voice, though you felt your muscles tense. 

“Clearly not well enough,” you remarked. “Seeing as you found me.” 

“You know I’ll always find you,” Nikolai murmured. “But that means little if you will not talk to me.” 

Of course you were not talking to him. You did not know how to talk to him—not when you so clearly didn’t understand the issue plaguing you. 

All you’d ever known was the life of a Grisha. You were tested when you were young, revealed to be a Tidemaker, and whisked away to the Little Palace, where you’d been honing your abilities ever since. You rebelled against the one thing you knew, joined the side of the Sun Summoner, and now you were in the midst of a war for the very survival of your people. 

There were so few Tidemakers left after the Darkling’s massacre, which meant Alina and Nikolai were counting on you more than ever in their fight to reclaim Ravka. 

But when you needed your powers most, they disappeared. 

You— you just didn’t understand, because it didn’t make sense. You’d spent years studying the Small Science and how to wield it, how to manipulate the water around you no matter how miniscule. 

This was not merzost. You had never tampered with the way of the world, never attempted to bastardize the abilities you’d been granted.

Like called to like. There was a part of you that connected to the water, that allowed you the affinity for all of this.  

You had just… lost it. For no apparent reason. 

“There is nothing to talk about,” you stated simply. The cold of the railing shocked your fingers as you set your hand down, but you welcomed any sort of feeling. 

“Do not be ridiculous,” Nikolai said wryly. He came out onto the balcony and stopped beside you. You could see him looking at you through your peripherals, could feel his intent gaze. “Nobody avoids me unless they have a reason.”

You huffed a bitter laugh. “I certainly have a reason, moi tsarevich.”

“So we’ve gone back to titles?” Nikolai’s lips quirked up. “Shall I start referring to you as Grisha? Tidemaker, even?”

You scoffed. “That would be inaccurate.”

“Ah,” he nodded. “We’ve reached the root of the problem.”

“We hardly did anything,” you said. “Do you talk just to hear the sound of your own voice?”

“I do, as a matter of fact,” Nikolai said. “But you should know your scornful words have no effect when I’m aware of your true feelings.”

“If you are aware of my true feelings, you should know I would like to be left alone.” 

“You want to be left alone because you feel useless without your power,” he said. “Any man worth their salt would not fall to that, and fortunately, I’m worth quite a lot.” 

You finally turned to look at Nikolai, though you could not muster the full force of your anger when you did. He had that slight smile still, the glint in his eyes, and all you could think was that you didn't even deserve this kindness. 

“Because I am,” you said. 

He shook his head. “You are not. Far from useless, actually.” 

“You served in the First Army, didn’t you?” 

“I hardly see how that’s relevant—” 

“Just answer my question.” 

“...Yes,” he said. “I was infantry. The 22nd Regiment.” 

“And if you had lost the ability to shoot a gun, would you be allowed to stay on the front lines?” 

Nikolai shook his head. “I will not participate in hypotheticals to help you feel worse.” 

“Because you know it’s true.” You looked back out at the horizon—the sun was steadily setting. “I have no place here anymore.” 

He said your name with a slight huff. “That is not true.” 

“I’m not Grisha anymore!” you exclaimed as you whirled back to face him. “The only reason I have ever gotten anywhere— the only reason I am here, the only reason I ever met you in the first place— it is all because of my power.” You pulled your jacket tighter around yourself in the wake of a cold wind. The material was noticeably thinner than your kefta, but you could not bring yourself to wear it anymore. “I’m useless now. To— to Ravka, to the Second Army— to you.” 

His brows furrowed. “You are not useless to Ravka— and you could never be useless to me.” You averted your eyes, unable to meet the full weight of his softened gaze, and his frown deepened. “That’s what this is about then? 

“Don’t act like it’s so ridiculous,” you muttered. 

Nikolai had the nerve to laugh, and you glared at him. He held up his hands in defense, but he could not fully bite back his smile. 

“I apologize, lapushka, but I did not even consider that as an option for why you were so upset.” 

Nikolai took your hands in his, hands that had been the key to your power the entire life, that were failing you, and he held them like nothing else in the world mattered. “Do you know how absurd the thought of me not loving you is?” 

You glanced away, but Nikolai gently cupped your chin with a few fingers and tilted you back to meet his eyes. 

“Because it is,” he continued, letting his hand fall back down to grasp yours. “I love you with everything in me. I love you because you are you—not because of your powers. Not because you are Grisha.” 

“Who am I if I am not Grisha?” Your voice came out as little more than a whisper, near a desperate plea. You’d never felt weaker, never felt smaller. The only thing you’d known all your life had been ripped away from you, and you felt as if you’d been shoved into an endless void. 

Nikolai said your name softly as he squeezed your hands. “You are a soldier of great renown. A revolutionary on the right side of history. The most loyal friend someone can have. And lest you somehow manage to forget it, you are the woman I love.”

“You deserve better than—” you swallowed the lump in your throat. “—than some broken, failed Grisha.”

“You are not broken,” Nikolai murmured, and he never looked away from your eyes as he lifted your hand to press a kiss to the back of it. “We are merely on… a different path.” 

“A different path,” you repeated, and you could not help your wry laugh. 

“Yes,” he nodded. “And we will go down every step of it together. Do you understand that?” 

Nikolai fought for everything he had, despite his standing as a Lantsov. He was a soldier on the front lines, he rose through the ranks on the sea under a pseudonym, and now he was clawing his way through useless formalities in order to take back the throne that he deserved. 

And here you were—someone who was given everything because of some power inside you. And now you didn’t even have that. 

It just did not seem right. It did not make sense. For a man as powerful as Nikolai to stick by your side despite such a misgiving. 

“If you don’t, that is alright.” Nikolai shrugged. “I will just have to spend extra time showing you how much I revere your very being.” 

“Nikolai,” you murmured, and his grip on your hands tightened. 

“I cannot pretend to understand what you are going through,” he said. “I cannot lose what you have lost because I’ve never had it in the first place. But I can promise you wholeheartedly that we will figure out what is wrong. Together.” 

“And what if we don’t?” you asked. You couldn’t help it. 

“Then nothing will change,” Nikolai vowed. “Milaya, nothing can tear me away from you, whether you are Grisha or not. Do you understand that?” 

A part of you still could not. Who were you if you were not of use? 

But when you met Nikolai’s eyes, those beautiful hazel eyes that seemed to glow with the sunset, full of softness and admiration and love, you found that you could start to.

You may not have believed in yourself, but Nikolai did. And that had to mean something.  

“I’m beginning to,” you murmured. 

“Good,” he said, and his lips quirked into a smile. “But fear not, milaya. I hold enough love for you inside of me for the both of us in the meantime.” 

[littlest-w01f]

Shaken

"Overstimulation" with:

Stermhond x Reader

Kinktober 2024 Masterlist

Summary: Being unable to sleep at night on the Volkvolny, the Stermhond provides you with the perfect distraction

Cw: Overstimulation, fingering and oral!F receiving, MxF, Smut 18+ MDNI

As you stood at the rail, gazing out over the vast expanse of water stretching endlessly to the horizon, strong hands came to rest gently on your shoulders. The scent of salt spray and pine-filled your nostrils as a deep, rumbling voice spoke close to her ear.

"Sightseeing, little one?" The Stermhond asked, coming to stand beside you, hand draped over your shoulder. "Or perhaps... looking for a distraction?"

You turned to face him, taking in his ruggedly, slightly scared, handsome features. A smirk played at the corner of his lips as he looked down at you, his arm still resting on your shoulder.

"I… I was hoping to clear my head," You replied, barely above a whisper. You couldn't help but feel drawn to him despite not knowing him for long, despite the danger he represented. There was something about him that both excited and terrified you. "I've never been on a ship before... It's... Daunting... And I can't sleep"

The Stermhond chuckled, a low, sensual sound that made your heart race, his bold red hair framing his face a little, contrasting against his beautiful green eyes. "And what thoughts were troubling you so, little one? Perhaps I could provide a more… stimulating distraction."

"Is that an offer?" You teased, a coy smile playing across your lips. Despite everything you knew about pirates, or privateers, as he called himself, there was an undeniable allure to this man. His rough edges called out to the adventurous spirit inside you. "Because it seems like you're rather good at making them but would you be able to keep up?"

The Stermhond grinned, a playful glint sparking in his vibrant green eyes as he leaned in closer, bringing his face mere inches away from yours. He smelled like sea air and something undeniably masculine that made your knees weak. "Why, little one, when it comes to distractions, I'm an expert," He murmured, his voice a rich baritone that sent a thrilling shiver down your spine.

At that moment, surrounded by the endless blue expanse, the thrill of the unknown, and the intoxicating presence of this pirate, you felt a hunger stirring within you, a primal urge to surrender to the wildness that dwelled in these waters and in the man standing before you.

His breath ghosted over your skin, sending tingles racing through your body. You could almost taste the salt on his lips, the promise of adventure and forbidden pleasure hanging heavy in the salty air between you. His hand slid from your shoulder to cup your chin, tilting your face up to meet his intense gaze. "Tell me, sweet thing, what sort of distraction do you crave?" The Stermhond purred, his thumb stroking your lower lip as he waited for your response, emerald eyes burning with desire.

You kissed him hard, standing on your toes, as your lips met his, a growl of approval rumbled in his chest. The kiss was fierce, passionate, and filled with an unspoken promise of untamed pleasures yet to come. Your arms wrapped around his neck, pulling yourself even closer to him, your breasts pressing against his firm chest.

He began to peel off his layers, revealing muscles earned from the life at sea, each layer discarded leaving you wanting more. The sight of his muscular torso sent a jolt of arousal coursing through your veins.

With surprising strength, the Stermhond hoisted you on a single arm, breaking the kiss only momentarily as he walked back to his quarters inside his ship. Once inside his quarters, he tossed you onto the soft bedding, the motion, paired with the ship's movement causing you to bounce enticingly as you landed. With a predatory grin, he towered over you, his towering frame casting a shadow across your curves.

He pulled you up, singlehandedly undoing your corset, pulling your dress as he kissed you roughly, he wanted to hear his name from you, but his identity was too big a secret, "I want you moaning 'Nik' as I fuck you." As he spoke those words, pressing into you fully, adrenaline coursed through your veins, your heart pounding wildly in your chest. His rough kisses left you breathless, his hands exploring every inch of your body as if committing it to memory.

With a swift tug, he removed your remaining garments, exposing your bare body to the cool air of the cabin. The contrast of warmth and cold made your skin prickle, heightening your senses. He wasted no time in lowering his mouth to your breasts, taking a nipple between his lips and sucking hungrily.

You let out a gasp as he effortlessly undid your corset, pulling your dress down to reveal your cotton garments underneath. His touch was possessive, claiming every part of you as his own. His words echoed in your ears, sending shivers down your spine. "Nik…" You whimpered, feeling his hardness press against you through your clothing. The thought of being taken by him was both terrifying and exhilarating.

His calloused fingers trailed over your soft skin, tracing the curve of your waist and hips before settling on the apex of your thighs. He stroked your slick folds, teasing your sensitive bud as he watched your face contort with pleasure. "So responsive already," he mused, relishing how easily he could stoke the flames of your desire.

His fingers circled and rubbed, building delicious pressure as you writhed beneath him. You arched your back, pushing your breasts further into his hungry mouth as you gasped and moaned his name.

"Please," you panted, desperate for relief from the building tension. "More…"

With a wicked grin, he started to kiss down your body, kissing his way down your quivering stomach, he settled between your legs, spreading them wide to grant him unfettered access to your most intimate area. His hot breath fanned over your slick folds, sending waves of pleasure rippling through your body. He licked along your slit, tasting your sweetness, before focusing on your throbbing clit, flicking it with the tip of his tongue.

He descended upon your cunt, his tongue delving deep to lap at your slick folds. He groaned at the taste of your arousal, savouring the tangy sweetness as he explored every crevice. His hands gripped your thighs, holding you open for his ravenous ministrations.

He flicked his tongue rapidly over your clit, the stimulation sending shockwaves of pleasure through your core. At the same time, he thrust two fingers into your tight channel, curling them to stroke that sensitive spot inside that made your legs quiver.

"Nnngh, yes!" you cried out, your nails digging into his scalp as he worked you over with relentless fervour. The dual assault of his mouth and fingers had you teetering on the brink of climax, your inner walls clenching around his digits in anticipation.

He continued his oral assault, alternating between long licks and focused attention on your swollen nub. Your juices coated his chin as he lapped at your essence, the obscene sounds filling the cabin mixing with your increasingly loud moans.

As your peak approached, he doubled his efforts, sucking your clit between his lips and flicking it mercilessly with his tongue while pumping his fingers faster, deeper, determined to make you fall apart on his mouth.

"NIK!" Your cries reached a fever pitch as your orgasm crashed over you, your inner walls spasming around his plunging fingers. He worked you through it, prolonging your ecstasy until you collapsed back onto the bed, spent and panting.

As you rode out the aftershocks, gasping for air, he slowly withdrew his slick fingers, bringing them to his mouth to lick them clean, savouring the taste of you. "Mmm, you taste divine," The privateer hummed.

Rising above you, Sturmhond captured your lips in a searing kiss, forcing you to taste yourself on his tongue. He settled himself between your thighs, grinding his thick cock against your quivering cunt. You could feel how hard he was, how much he wanted you.

Breaking the kiss, he gazed down at you with raw, animalistic lust blazing in his eyes. In one smooth motion, he pushed himself inside you, stretching you deliciously around his girth. A low groan escaped him at the sensation of your heat enveloping him so perfectly.

Your cries echoed throughout the ship, a lewd symphony that only added to the eroticism of the moment. Each thrust of his cock sent vibrations through your body, amplifying the sensations. You could feel every vein, every ridge of his shaft buried deep within you, stretching you to accommodate his size.

"I'm going to ruin you for other men," He growled as he drew back and slammed into you again, setting a punishing pace as he took you hard and fast, the slap of skin against skin ringing out in the small space. "You'll only be mine."

Your moans increased in the wooden walls as he pounded into you relentlessly, the force of his thrusts making the bed creak ominously. Each plunge of his cock seemed to strike that magic spot deep inside, sending sparks of pleasure shooting through your nerves.

The privateer's grunts grew louder, more bestial, as he chased his own release. He hooked your knees over his elbows, angling you to take him even deeper, the head of his cock slamming against your cervix with each brutal stroke.

"Nik! Nik! Oh gods, yes!" you wailed, your voice hoarse from screaming. Your nails scored down his back as he ravaged you, the pain only serving to heighten your pleasure. The intense pleasure triggered your next climax, sending you spiraling into yet another mind-shattering orgasm. Your inner walls clenched and rippled around his cock, milking him for all he was worth.

As he stayed inside you for a long while, he pinched and pulled at your clit to make you cum on his cock, your juices gushing out and coating his shaft as he rolled his hips, grinding against you to prolong both your orgasms, your brain turning mushy from the overstimulation. He buried his face in the crook of your neck, inhaling your scent as he shuddered and jerked above you. He bit down on your shoulder, panting heavily, he collapsed onto you, his weight pressing you into the mattress as you both struggled to catch your breaths. After a moment, he lifted his head to gaze down at you, a satisfied smirk playing about his lips. "Still think I can't keep up?"

Sturmhond's movements became erratic, driven by primal instinct as he neared his climax. His cock swelled within you, his balls tightening in preparation for release. He leaned down, capturing your lips once more in a bruising kiss, muffling your screams as another powerful orgasm tore through you simultaneously with your last one. He roared your name like a battle cry, his seed spurting into you in hot, pulsing jets.

"Not bad for an old man," You panted, a mischievous glint in your eye despite your exhaustion. Your words seemed to ignite something within him, a renewed surge of energy and lust. With a growl, he flipped you over onto your stomach, pulling your hips up to present yourself to him. His hand cracked across your ass, the sharp sting quickly followed by soothing caresses.

"You're playing with fire, little girl, besides, I'm only two years older than you." He warned, landing another hard spank, watching his cum spurt out of your cunt with each impact. He spread your cheeks, exposing your dripping cunt to his hungry gaze. Leaning in, he dragged his tongue through your slick folds, savouring the musky flavour of your cum mixed with his own seed.

His fingers probed your stretched opening, scooping up the creamy fluid before bringing it to his lips for a taste. "Mmm, look at you…so messy, so dirty…" He murmured, his voice a low, seductive purr. "I'm going to have to punish this naughty cunt."

Without warning, he plunged two fingers knuckle-deep into your soaked heat, curling them to rub that sensitive spot inside. His thumb found your clit, circling it firmly as he finger-fucked you with ruthless intensity.

You whined with your face pressed into the pillow, sound muffled as you screamed in pleasure. His rough handling sent waves of bliss coursing through your body, rendering you utterly helpless beneath him. You could do nothing but accept his brutal fucking, the slap of flesh echoing in the room with each powerful thrust of his fingers.

"Oh gods, yes! More!" You begged, your hips bucking back against his hand, seeking more of that exquisite torture. The feeling of being so thoroughly taken, so completely fucked, drove you wild with desire.

"That's it, take it like the desperate slut you are." He growled, adding all four fingers to your already stuffed cunt, thumb still massaging your swollen clit. The stretch burned so good, pushing you right to the edge of too much. Just when you thought you couldn't take anymore, he scissored his fingers inside you, spreading you open wider.

Tears streamed down your face from the overwhelming stimulation, drool pooling on the pillow below. Your entire body shook and twitched with pleasure, your mind hazing over with pure lust. He worked you closer and closer to another explosive climax, the pressure building in your core to unbearable levels.

His relentless assault on your cunt pushed you over the brink, your body convulsing as another orgasm ripped through you. Your inner walls clamped down on his invading fingers, rhythmically squeezing them as wave after wave of ecstasy washed over you.

As you came undone beneath him, squirting your release all over his hand and the bed, he continued his merciless fingering, continuing to pump his fingers in and out of your quivering cunt, drawing out your pleasure until you were a boneless, trembling mess. Finally, he slowed his movements, gentling his touch as he coaxed you through the final tremors. Only when your body went limp did he finally withdraw his drenched digits, admiring the sight of your gaping, twitching hole left behind.

With a wicked grin, he dived back into pleasuring your sensitive cunt. His tongue lapped at your wetness, savouring every drop of your sweet cum. He focused especially on your throbbing clit, flicking it mercilessly with his tongue.

He licked and sucked at your sensitive flesh, alternating between broad strokes and teasing flicks, keeping you balanced precariously on the knife's edge of sensation.

"Too much," You cried out, buckling your hips as he held them still, it felt like you could cum from a single touch by him, "Ah-"

Your legs began to tremble, threatening to give out entirely if not for his firm grip on your hips. He could feel you teetering on the brink again, your body tensing, preparing for another shattering climax. With a final, hard suck on your clit, he sent you hurtling over the precipice once more, your vision whiting out as rapture consumed you.

Your orgasm crashed over you like a tidal wave, leaving you gasping and shuddering helplessly beneath him. He rode out the aftershocks with you, his tongue never ceasing its relentless assault on your oversensitive clit until you were a whimpering, spent mess.

Finally, he pulled back, giving your abused clit one last tender lick before crawling up your body to claim your lips in a searing kiss. His tongue delved deep, tasting himself on your tongue, mingling with the remnants of your own arousal.

Breaking the kiss, he looked down at you, his eyes gleaming with satisfaction and a hint of cruel amusement. "So many orgasms in one session? That's impressive," He mused, wrapped an arm around you.

His laughter rumbled through his chest as he gathered you close when he noticed your dropping eyes, tired, your sweaty bodies pressing together intimately. He rolled onto his side, pulling you with him so that you lay draped across his broad frame. One large hand stroked idly along your spine while the other tangled in your damp hair, gently massaging your scalp. For several long moments, you simply lay there, basking in the afterglow. Gradually, your breathing slowed, and heart rates returning to normal, eyes dropping shut.

[criesinliess]

━JANUARY 2024; susan's recs

STRANGER THINGS

━━STEVE HARRINGTON

we can't be friends (but i'd like to just pretend) @accioharrington9

at least it’s not the end of the world @skeltnwrites

GRISHAVERSE

━━KAZ BREKKER

my tears ricochet @er-osion

pocketwatch @writing-havoc

━━NIKOLAI LANTSOV

bad luck; i’m with you; my love mine all mine @atlabeth

THE BEAR

━━CARMY BERZATTO

second chances @fishfooddude

white tees and zero degrees @notsonian

the cook and the teacher; part2; part3; part4; part5 @romerona

table of contents for the neighbor!reader au @whereubeenloca

MARVEL

━━MATT MURDOCK

obstinacy @ellephlox

━━BUCKY BARNES

closer to home @thebarneschronicles

butterflies; part2 @wolvietxt

━━PETER PARKER

i lied @stevie-petey

━━FRANK CASTLE

i don’t wanna get used to not having you around @dilf-din

HARRY POTTER

━━FRED WEASLEY

the chocolates @mywhisperingwords

━━MATTHEO RIDDLE

of magic & mayhem @redeemingvillains

veritaserum @↑

cold comfort @↑

TWISTERS

━━SCOTT MILLER

bad blood @rosie-read-that

PERCY JACKSON AND THE OLYMPIANS

━━LUKE CASTELLAN

luke taking care of you after a quest @slu7formen

luke will find any excuse to be next to you @↑

you prepare luke for halloween; part2 @↑

shy!luke asks you out @↑

luke sees you again after two years you spent on a quest, missing @↑

OUTER BANKS

━━RAFE CAMERON

the gas station @urmum-lovesme

distractions @lizziesangel

who did this to you?; you’re my problem @↑

waiting on you @↑

million reasons @bettys-redwinesupernova

━━DREW STARKEY

not your bro @bettys-redwinesupernova

ONE PIECE

━━ZORO

infatuation @rubyin-wonderland

TOP GUN: MAVERICK

━━JAKE 'HANGMAN' SERSIN

stay; still here? @sere-sins

━━BRADLEY ' ROOSTER' BRADSHAW

i still love you @lizziesangel

[ellewritesalright]

Nine Long Years - Part 8

Nikolai Lantsov x Rietveld!reader, Kaz Brekker x sister!Rietveld!reader (platonic)

Part 7 --- Masterlist

Synopsis: After watching your brothers die, you found yourself working on the Volkvolny. In the many years since then, you somehow became the queen of Ravka while your brother somehow survived firepox and life in the Barrel, rising through its ranks. In disguise during a diplomatic trip with your husband Nikolai, you meet Kaz Brekker for what you think is the first time, only to find out that he is your long-thought-dead little brother.

Author's Note: Hi Everyone!! So excited to share this part with you all!! It took forever to write this, but there are a couple of scenes that I had written way back when I first started this series knowing that this is where it would go, and those scenes are very dear to me. Hope you all enjoy! Can't believe we're almost at our ninth year...

Warnings: mentions of death, angst and fluff, mentions of sickness, injury, panic attacks, firepox. If I'm missing something pls lmk

Word Count: 7,950

SEVENTH AND EIGHTH YEARS

Everything happened so quickly.

You barely had a week with Nikolai in the Spinning Wheel when the Darkling attacked again. You'd been making up for lost time, working together to end the war in the daytime and holding him tight and whispering soft things to each other at night. It was enough for you to be back on the same page as Nikolai. But the chapter was short. 

The ambush took him from you, transforming him into a creature akin to a volcra. There was a horrible terror in your veins as you watched him reform in front of you, but worse than that was the pit in your stomach at the confused and pained expression he held on his fanged face even as he changed. Seeing him claw at himself in shame as he tried to use his leathery wings to fly away broke your heart.

A few weeks had passed since then. You had followed Alina where she led, working for her cause and pushing to free Ravka. You got back into the habit of praying you acquired underground, asking the saints and Ghezen and any other being who may listen to keep your love safe. 

By the time you were fighting in the fold, surrounded by darkness, the Darkling's army, volcra, and every other enemy imaginable, you were harrowed and angry. Grisha keftas are made to be bulletproof, but you weren't stupid enough to aim at the Darkling's soldiers' keftas. Your bullets pierced through the exposed skin of their necks and heads each time you fired. 

Your accuracy drew attention, though, and a heartrender turned his eyes on you. You felt your chest tighten, your gun dropping out of your slack wrist as he slowly killed you. And just as you fell to your knees in the sand of the fold, your body loosened. You glanced up to see a volcra had carried this corporalki up into the sky, tearing one of his arms off. Blood splattered on you as he was torn, and you ducked behind a wrecked skiff to take cover from the volcra. 

You held your gun firm as you peered over the skiff at the volcra above. It was circling you, like it was waiting to pluck you up into the sky too. You raised your gun, ready to fire at it, when you saw it swooping towards you. You ducked again and fired, blindly hoping that you had stopped it. 

You heard a scream behind you and whipped your head around to see a Darkling Tidemaker behind you being forced down so harshly into the sand by the volcra that her head was now submerged. This creature's wings flapped as it turned slightly, peering at you with familiar eyes. It gave a meek screech, sounding nearer to a squawk than the high-pitched roars of other volcra you had encountered. It ducked its head slightly, and you saw little scratches on its face, as if from its own talons.

You pictured the attack on the spinning wheel, the last images of Nikolai before he was transformed into a self-loathing creature.

"Nikolai?" You breathed.

The creature finished burying the tidemaker and flapped its wings, flying away across the dark fold. You blinked and leaned against the wrecked skiff for a moment.

Then you ran, trying to go after Nikolai. You wanted to scream for him, to try to gain his attention and draw him back, but you couldn't bring that sort of attention to yourself, not when there were real, dangerous volcra as well as the Darkling's Grisha and nichevo’ya all around.

Seconds morphed into minutes, minutes into hours. As far as you could tell, you were running and fighting for forever. Even the quick things seemed to slow down, the bullets and elements, the monsters and shadows; everything seemed small and slow as you moved through the fray, slashing or dodging every foe you faced.

You kept an eye on the sky, aching for your impossibly aggravating prince--the soon-to-be king whom you loved. As you spotted him again, tangled with a real volcra in the air, you held your breath and ducked behind the hull of a skiff-wreck. You raised your gun, trying to get a read on whether you could shoot without hurting Nikolai, but no sooner had you held your arm out were your eyes suddenly caught on a Soldat Sol across the sand as light burst from her body. Then another otkasot'ya sun soldier behind her lit up the same way. In a moment, fifty beams of light reached the top of the fold. The airborne volcra all began to screech, the nichevo'ya began to dissipate, and the fighting ceased as all Grisha--on both sides–cast their eyes to the sky to see sunlight poking out from up above.

You searched the air for Nikolai. Your mind started reeling for a second as you could not find him. Bile rose in your throat, and the doubting began. Would you find him a corpse? Would the Soldats’ sun beams turn him to ash?

But then you heard a scream, its timbre somewhere between an animal screech and a warm chesty reverberation you liked to rest your head on, and you turned around, seeing the creature's wings shrink away and a tattered king begin falling from the sky.

“Nik!” You shouted, running towards him.

When he was ten meters from the ground he stopped screaming. Something invisible had caught him, slowing his descent. Zoya stood away to the right, her arms raised.

His back landed on the ground and you kept running towards him. The sand was rugged under your knees as you landed beside him, bracing your arms around him. It didn't matter that his back was still against the ground, or that he let out a soft groan, he wrapped himself around you too.

You raised your head, looking down at him and inspecting his features. They looked human, but more than that, they looked like your Nikolai. His blond hair and hazel eyes that looked at you like you were the center of the universe, both so familiar that you felt your chest expand with a relief you hadn't known since last you held him like this. There was soot and grime on his face and a small cut on his cheek, but you could deal with that later. You sighed and hugged him again, practically lying on top of him as the Darkling's forces surrendered to the Second Army. Nikolai groaned softly, taking in a shaky gasp from the force of your hug. You eased back a bit, but your arms were still holding firmly to him.

"You're an expert now," he breathed into your hair.

"What?" You panted, leaning back slightly to look at his dirty face. 

"At saving me."

He flashed a smile, informing you that he thought his joke was funny as can be. That reason alone, that he hadn't lost his sense of humour, brought you to tears. He really was your Nikolai, no matter what challenges you faced, or monsters you fought.

Seeing you cry, he sat up, wiping at your cheeks. He held your nape and gently knocked his forehead against yours. "It's alright, my dear. I'm alright now."

"I know, I just…" You sniffled.

"You just what, love?"

"I was just so afraid I would lose you."

"My darling, you'll never lose me. I promise."

"I felt so helpless and scared. I can't lose you like I lost–" your words ran short of saying your brothers’ names, but Nikolai understood regardless. He held you tighter.

"I know," he said as he pressed his lips to your forehead. "I know."

You sighed, putting your face in his collar. "You're the one that just fell out of the sky after being a sadistic man's shadow monster and yet you're comforting me."

"It's my job, you realize; just part of what a good fiance does."

In all the chaos and fuss, you nearly forgot the chain around your neck. You pulled it out from under your clothes and admired the two rings as they dangled. They couldn't be more different. One was a standard circle of gold, simple as could be, the other carried a sapphire worth more than anything you'd ever owned let alone worn as a constant on your body. Nikolai unclasped the chain and let the rings drop into his palm.

"I would get on my knees again, but I think I need a minute before I can get up. A lot of me is a little sore." He touched your cheek, brushing his thumb along the apex. "My love, will you make me the happiest man alive by marrying me?"

You chuckled softly. "I've already said yes, Nikolai."

"I know. But I want to hear it again. Picturing you in a white gown and veil was the only thing getting me through while I was a shadow monster."

You smoothed his ruffled hair back, kissing him briefly but sweetly. "Yes. I will marry you, Nikolai Lantsov."

"Thank the saints for you," he murmured before drawing you into a long, tender kiss. His forehead connected with yours once you finally broke apart again. "You'll be a wonderful queen."

"Nikolai…" You started, your eyes darting away as you felt your cheeks warm.

He cupped your face in his hands. "You will."

"You have too much confidence in me."

"I beg to differ."

You looked in his hazel eyes for a moment. "Are you good enough to stand?"

"Only with the assistance of my beautiful fiancé."

"Very well," you smiled at him.

You helped Nikolai to his feet, letting him lean some of his weight on you. The sand was uneven beneath your boots as you walked with him against your side. First and Second Army soldiers alike rejoiced as they looked at the clear sky, the division between East and West Ravka finally broken. 

"It's a brand new world," you remarked.

"A world where the sea isn't on the other side of a monster-filled death trap," Nikolai grinned.

"True enough," you grinned back. "Though I think royal duties will keep us in Ravka."

"You'd be surprised just how often a royal gets to travel, moya tsaritsa."

You noticed how he squeezed closer to your side, and you smiled even brighter.

"I love you dearly, do you know that?" Nikolai asked, his eyes playful yet true.

"I think you've mentioned it once or twice."

"Then I shall mention it again; I love you dearly, my darling."

……….

A couple of days after the Fold was torn and the Darkling burned, you were still in the camp on the outskirts of the sand waste. You walked through the camp, offering assistance or whatever kindness you had to those who remained. You stopped at the stables, catching a familiar face. Mal was hitching horses to the closed carriage Nikolai procured for him and Alina to take away for their new life free of sainthood and sun summoning.

"Leaving so soon?" You asked loudly and suddenly, startling Mal.

He threw you a look that softened into a light chuckle. "I'm thieving away, just like you."

You made an exaggerated gasp. "Is that any way to speak to your future queen?"

"No," he smiled, "but it's a way to speak to an annoying friend."

You tsked and playfully smacked his arm.

"I'll miss you, Rietveld."

"I'll miss you too, Oretsev. Take care of Alina, but also take care of yourself, Mal," You said softly. "That's an order from your queen."

"You're not queen yet."

"Even so… I hope the countryside will treat you well. Nikolai and I will visit once you're all settled, I promise."

"I'll hold you to that."

You hugged him, patting him on the back. There was something brotherly about Mal, something that always just made you want the best for him. Maybe it was the tinge of Jordie in his persistent optimism. Or maybe you loved him for the way that he had inadvertently ensured you obtained all you wanted.

"And…" You rubbed the back of your neck as you stepped back from him again. There were the beginnings of tears in your eyes. "...Thank you for convincing me to stay. I can't begin to tell you how much I owe you."

"You can thank me by naming your firstborn after me," Mal joked, despite the way his eyes glazed over as well.

You smacked his arm again and then wiped at your eyes and nose. "Oh, shut up. I take back everything sentimental I ever said to you."

"No, you don't," he laughed.

"No, I don't."

……….

Weeks passed by in a blur. Alina and Mal were officially gone. You were back in Os Alta with Nikolai, but this time staying at the Grand Palace. There was quite a bit of damage done to both palaces, much to rebuild and repair, but you were glad for the work. You helped Nikolai with all of the repair plans, wanting to make the palace feel less stark and impersonal, and instead make it feel inviting and warm. If this was to be your home now, you wanted it to be homey.

There was also much to do in the way of learning how a palace like this was managed. You spent lots of time studying histories and politics to prepare for life as a queen, yes, but you also met with the head housekeeper, Ms Garevsky, for an hour each evening. She taught you what happens in each room of the palace, how the staff operate, the passageways of the palace, and anything else you'd need to know to be successful in matters of house and home.

Nikolai had his coronation last week. It was a large affair, apparently not as large as the coronation of the past few kings, but still rather large. There were parades in the streets and parties with diplomats and the like. Throughout it all, Nikolai balanced diplomacy, discussed his plans as king, and gushed about his engagement with you. He championed you to everyone who would listen, behaving every bit the doting fiancé he was.

The maids had gotten used to seeing Nikolai slip into your room at night or vice versa. Your rooms were a whole wing apart, yet you never slept alone. After all you'd been through, there was no reason to sleep alone ever again.

If he came into your room and saw you studying royal histories or reading construction reports, he would wrap his arms around you and ask you to read to him. It reminded you of how you two fell in love, and certainly you felt yourself falling in love again and again each day with him.

Tonight you had slipped into his room. A short scan of the space informed you he was tucked away in the bathroom. His head was tilted back against the porcelain of the bathtub, his arms resting on the sides. But when he opened his eyes and saw you in the doorway his hands dipped under the water, cutting off the black scars the Darkling left on him.

"Hey, you," he smiled. His voice was tired.

"Hey, you," you said, stepping into his bathroom.

"You're early tonight," he remarked. "I usually can't expect you until it's only stars and moon in the sky."

"Well, Ms Garevsky didn't need me for long this evening, she just wanted my thoughts on a few things for the upcoming state dinner, and I finished my readings and letters this afternoon, so here I am."

You knelt beside the tub, face to face with Nikolai. His face was warm as you put a palm to his rosy cheek.

"What's on your mind, my love?" You asked.

"That I am the most fortunate man to live because of you."

"Nikolai," you said with a soft sigh as your thumb traced his cheek. "You look tired. What is it?"

He shook his head, offering a soft smile that you could see right through. "Darling, there's nothing."

"Please, Nik… just tell me."

His eyes dropped from yours, fixating instead on a drop of water on the edge of the tub. 

"I figured we were done with any secrets," you murmured. His eyes snapped back up to yours.

"It's not a–" he cut off what sounded like it would be a paltry defense. "You're right. I haven't been entirely honest." He shifted in the tub, making the water slosh slightly. "My darling… I promise I am fine, but I confess that I've been having some pain lately."

Your eyes widened slightly and you brushed back his hair. "Pain? What sort of pain?"

"My scars," he said quietly. The shame in his eyes was evident.

You didn't have to ask him to know he meant the scars on his hands. The remnants of his time as a shadow monster.

"How do they hurt?" You asked softly.

"Sometimes they get so itchy that they're practically burning. Other times, they make it so my hands feel stiff; I'll be writing a letter when my fingers suddenly seize up and I have to stretch them out before I can pick up my pen again."

"Have you spoken to anyone about it?" You asked softly.

He shook his head.

"We can tell Genya tomorrow. Surely she and David can create something to soothe your aches."

"She already tailored them as much as she could. But it's merzost. It won't go away."

"Maybe not, but they can still help you in some way, I bet." You brushed his hair back. "Give me your hands?"

Nikolai sighed and lifted his hands out of the water. You took them in yours, your fingers gently entwining with his, and you brought them up to your lips. You kissed every dark scar, treating them gently and carefully. Your thumbs smoothed over the backs of his hands, and you felt water dripping down into your sleeves.

The wet sleeves irritated you, and you opted to unbutton your shirt. You slipped it off, and the thin straps of your shift exposed the scar on your shoulder. It was veiny and pitch black, just as Nikolai's hands were. You felt his eyes on your skin, and you lightly hummed.

"At least we match," you murmured, brushing his hair back again.

He let out a soft huff of amusement and lifted his hand from the edge of the bath. He gently clasped your wrist, bringing your hand to his mouth and kissing the inside of your wrist.

"That we do."

……….

The wedding preparations were taking months. 

Nikolai was frustrated enough by it that he had on more than one occasion huffed into your collar, “We could always elope but still have the big wedding later.”

Each time you had consoled him with a kiss and some whispered reassurances. You reminded him nothing would change once you were married, and he reminded you that you would be queen once you wed, something he was eager for. You'd then chuckle and amend yourself.

“Nothing will change between us once we are married,” you'd say.

“Wrong. You'll be my wife. I'll be your husband.”

“And will you treat me any differently?”

He would then pout. “No…”

The preparations were endless, the lists of things to do totalling to a dizzying amount. Just when you felt you were making headway with the plans, some unexpected emergency would pop up. Something concerning the affairs of the nation would pull your attention away, or construction of the palace would hit a bump, or Nikolai would be called away to Kerch on a secret diplomatic mission.

You sat calmly as you listened to a set of Nikolai's counselors. With your fiancé and two-thirds of the triumvirate gone, it was just you and David left to attend to the Ravkan court. After hours in that room, you and David sought refuge in the Little Palace. He shared some of his new designs for various devices over a refreshing lunch, and the two of you discussed at length the remaining renovations left at the Grand Palace.

Once lunch finished, you went through the passage to the royal gardens, heading for your daily lesson with Ms Garevsky, the head housekeeper. Today she continued her coverage of the proper ways to host guests. She had a habit of talking too quickly and making you ask for her to repeat herself a dozen times over, so by the middle of the lessons you were usually exhausted by it to the point where you let her speak and had to hastily scrawl in your notebook to keep up. You were lucky she ended the lesson where she did, as your hand was beginning to cramp with your note-taking. 

Then it was dinner time, and you were tempted to return to the Little Palace and dine with friendly faces, but you chose instead to take a tray in your rooms. As you finished eating, a maid arrived, handing you a letter. There was a gold eagle seal, and your heart clenched, knowing instantly who'd written you.  You thanked the maid with a smile, and watched as she left, your fingers itching to rip the letter open. The envelope was abandoned as soon as you were alone again. You felt the pages in your hands, eyes scouring over Nikolai's perfect handwriting. You held a hand to your mouth as you read.

My dearest love,

I am seldom one for dramatics, as you well know, but I can assuredly say I miss you so dearly I feel every day without you may draw me to madness. 

It is with a heavy heart then, that I must tell you I will be returning later than I expected. Things are more complicated here than we foresaw, and we need a bit more time to fix the creases in this particular fold. 

You'll never believe the types of people I'm working with here: criminals of every kind, I tell you. Some are rather charming, others less so. These people remind me of times that feel so long ago they're almost a dream, times where we sailed under a maroon mast, where you saved me more times than I could count.

As I write this, I am transported back to our extended trip in West Ravka, that time Druskelle split us from Tolya and Tamar. Did I ever tell you that’s when I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you? It was one of the mornings, the ones where I woke up with you in my arms, only on that morning you were missing from them. I'd almost panicked, but then I heard this soft humming from the bathroom, and the gentle splash of water. You came out of the bathroom, fresh-faced and dressed, and I pretended I was still asleep as I heard you approach the bed. You’d tsked and muttered to yourself, begrudging how I slept so well, before I felt you gently push a strand of hair off my forehead. It took everything in me not to smile or open my eyes to your beautiful face.

Something in the simplicity of that morning, in your humming and your gentle touch, had me in raptures. I've never stopped feeling that way around you since. 

There is an ache in me when I am away from you, an ache that I seek to banish once we are married, as it is simply torturous being apart. My need for you is insurmountable, and I warn you now that once I return you may find yourself my hostage for the week--royal duties be damned.

I could carry on in salacious detail, but I'm ever aware of how the maids like to snoop, and I fear how Ms Garevsky would scold me should the maids find me writing something indecent. Instead, I'll end this letter and part with the knowledge that I will see you again, if not as soon as I wish. I love you, my darling.

The man lucky enough to call himself your fiancé,

Nikolai

You set down the papers with a soft groan. It was difficult to place the feeling in your chest. There was the missing him, the dull ache of being apart. But then there was the comfortable wash that his words put over you, the bloom of warmth beneath your skin when he mentioned he was thinking of you.

You felt a slight guilt when he recalled one of the mornings in your early days. You couldn't remember that instance, despite it meaning so much to him. Then again, much had happened on that trip, and much had happened since; it felt like another life, growing from captain and second into the loves of each other's lives. And soon, you were going to be married–the king and queen of Ravka. 

If you had told your younger self–the girl who could only dream of a life outside of the farm when she heard the stories from her Ravkan neighbour–that you would not only have made Ravka your home but also soon be the queen of it, you would've scoffed. That life was so distant now. The farm was another world entirely. Even Ketterdam, regardless of how formative an experience, seemed sometimes like it existed in someone else's past. There were still the nightmares, the bodies in the harbour that whispered to you, the illness in your throat that appeared when you heard metal against stone like those hooks against the cobbles. But despite it, you were a different person now. 

There was a veil between you and your past self. Its opacity varied day to day, but of late it had grown thicker. But perhaps it wasn’t a bad thing, and if it was, you didn’t know.

……….

The shine on your head was substantial, glittering in every direction you moved as you stood in a fitting for your wedding gown. The jewelers had insisted you practice wearing your crown ahead of the wedding. You mostly practiced wearing it when you were alone in your room, not wanting the embarrassment of wearing a formal crown in the halls of the palace when you were not queen yet nor did the occasion call for such a piece. But you thought it might be nice to see the look you'd be married in, so you asked them to bring it out during this fitting. You were trying not to grin too wide as you stood in Queen Mila's crown and your wedding dress, staring at your reflection.

The dressmaker, Daya, was busy around you, making her adjustments after creating the wedding dress the last couple of months. You smiled at her as she worked, putting temporary pins in the back of the garment.

“How long have you been making dresses, Daya?” You inquired.

Her eyes flitted to yours in the mirror, wide and unexpecting. “Almost twenty years, my lady.”

“It shows; your craft is impeccable,” you smiled. “What brought you to this profession?”

She still seemed surprised by your questions as she shifted behind you.

“Are you alright, Daya?” You asked lightly, wanting to clasp your hands together in front of you but being careful not to move unless she told you to.

“Perfectly well, my lady. Only… I am not used to such conversation during a fitting.”

“Oh, I'm sorry,” you said softly, frowning a bit. “I'll stay quiet then.”

“No, my lady. You mistake me,” she replied, her body popping out on the other side of you in the mirror as she finished with her pins at your back. “I should rather have said that I welcome the change and the conversation. Seven years I've been the royal dressmaker, and the queen mother did not wish to ask such questions even once. She barely wished for me to speak at all.”

Your lips pursed in disappointment. You met her eyes in the mirror and she ducked her head again.

“Very sorry, my lady. I should not speak in such a manner about your fiancé's mother.”

“No, no, I'm not upset with you, Daya. I'm upset with my forebearer. I'm sorry for her behaviour. You're lovely to speak with.”

She looked as though she didn't know how to accept your compliment or apology beyond giving a soft nod, so you changed the subject.

“Are you familiar with Kerch fashions, Daya?”

She nodded.

“I was hoping to have a couple of dresses made for future palace events, but every Ravkan design I wear or see on courtly ladies feels so impractical. I find the hems are too long, they drag too much, and it drives me up a wall when I wear them. Kerch dresses more often than not have a higher hem, dropping just at the ankle, so there's no dragging.”

“You wish for shorter dresses?”

“Just enough so I'm not tripping over myself, please,” you chuckled quietly. “And a less dramatic bustle would be nice too.”

“I can draw some designs for you, my lady.”

“That would be excellent, Daya. Thank you.”

You heard a slight commotion in the hallways. For a second you felt concern, but then you heard voices and your heart rate picked up, excitement coursing through you.

“Your highness, you're tracking mud through the halls,” you heard Ms Garevsky's voice, admonishing her king. She was the only person in the palace with enough rank in household and age who could speak to him that way.

“I will personally apologize to each of the maids later. For now, I have to see my love, Ms Garevsky. I've been positively downtrodden without her.”

You looked at Daya, stepping off the pedestal and hurrying behind the changing screen as you heard the footsteps come closer down the hallway. The door cracked open, and you caught a glimpse of Nikolai through the small holes in the screen. He was in travel clothing, his jacket dusty and boots caked in dried mud from riding.

“My love?” He called out, somehow not clued in to the fact that you were behind the screen.

“I'm changing out of my dress,” you replied, your back to Daya as she untied your bodice.

“It's bad luck to interrupt her in this moment, your highness,” Garevsky scolded. 

“It's far worse luck that I haven't seen her in more than a month,” Nikolai breathed, hands on his hips as he waited not so patiently for you to be done. 

Daya slowly slipped the dress down your body, careful of the pins in it. You stepped out of it, and grabbed your dressing robe to tie over your slip. Daya pointed to the box on the table across the room.

“I'll need to get the dress safely in the box, my lady,” Daya whispered to you.

“Nikolai,” you called to him, “I need you to close your eyes and face the east wall of the room.”

“Why?”

“Because I've asked?”

“Very well.”

Daya quickly stepped out of the screen and packed the gown in the large rectangular box she brought it into the palace in. You stepped out too, walking slowly towards your broad-shouldered fiancé.

"I'll take this for the final alterations, my lady," Daya said with a slight smirk as she glanced at Nikolai where he faced away. "I'll get out of your hair."

"Thank you again, Daya," you expressed.

"The pleasure is all mine," she replied as she slipped out of the room with the dress. Ms Garevsky looked between you and Nikolai with a slight cynicism, then retreated as well. You waited until the door was shut to stand in front of him and brush your hand along Nikolai's upper arm.

"You can open your eyes now," you said softly.

He did, instantly grinning at you. “You look gorgeous, my love."

"Oh, hush. I'm not even in the gown."

"No, you're wearing something better."

You furrowed your brows. "And what's that? My sunny disposition?"

His eyes flitted slightly above your head. "No, it's something blue."

The sapphire crown. In your rush to take off the wedding dress, you'd forgotten about the crown on your head. You reached to take it off but Nikolai stopped you.

"Hang on a moment, my love." He held your hands and kissed your forehead. "It looks just as perfect on you as I remember. And you're growing used to it, I see. It's the mark of true royalty when you don't even feel the weight of your crown anymore."

You let out a soft tsk, as though unimpressed with his flirtations. He grinned.

"There's something about you in that crown that just makes me…"

“Pull yourself together, Nik,” you chuckled, wrapping your arms around him again. You sighed into his chest. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too. Next time I'm away for more than two days, you're coming with me. That was much too long.”

“Agreed.”

“I wish to be married to you,” he murmured into your head.

“Soon,” you breathed.

“I’d protest for an elopement again if it weren't for the fact that now I greatly want to see you in your wedding dress and crown in front of everyone we know.”

“It is less than three weeks away,” you reminded him.

He made a soft hum, wrapping his arms around your upper body.

……….

Anxious didn't begin to describe how you felt. 

It must have been hours you lay there awake, though you had no way of knowing just how long exactly. The clock that usually resided on your bedside sat in the sitting room off of your bedroom, put there at the one o'clock mark because of its incessant ticking. It was a foolish notion, that the clock was responsible for your restlessness, but it had been exiled nonetheless.

You had no chance of sleeping. A weight on your chest kept you awake, the heaviness of the impending day pestering you to no end. Tomorrow you would be married, which brought no end of joy to you; you couldn't have found anyone more perfect for you than Nikolai. But tomorrow you would also become queen of Ravka. No preparations in the Grand Palace, experiences during the war, or time on the Volkvolny made you ready for such a title. Inside, you still embodied that farmer's daughter who trekked up and down the hill, milked the cows, and stitched the holes in her brothers’ socks. 

Here you were, a poor orphan girl, about to be royalty. And yet you could not overcome this dread. It tasted similar to the smoke and sickness of Ketterdam, like a living rot that greeted you as an old friend whenever you were finally feeling better. Nikolai and his warm embraces and pine-scented linens always staunched the dread, but the maids had gleefully warned you of Ravkan customs of not seeing one another the day before your wedding, and you had foolishly listened. It wasn't since early yesterday morning while sneaking out of his bed that you saw him. Sleeping peacefully, an arm protective but loose around you, his head tilted towards you.  

“It's a stupid wives’ tale, my love,” Nikolai complained when you first told him you wanted to respect this custom. “It'll be worse luck not to be together the day before we marry. You might fall out of love without me there to pester you.”

You gave him a soft huff then, and he cracked a smile. 

“Fine. I won't seek you out the day before the wedding. But just know I won't be able to keep my eyes or hands off of you on our wedding day.”

“As if you would restrain yourself regardless,” you replied with a roll of your eyes that had him chuckling and pulling you into his chest.

An ache in you begged you to go to Nikolai's room right now, Ravkan tradition be damned. But the maids’ giggling voices gnawed at you, keeping you put. Letting out a long breath, you turned onto your back again. You stared at the floral print of the canopy above you. You had attempted counting all of the flowers before, and not even that put you to sleep. All it did was teach you that there were seventy-four flowers stitched into the fabric.

You shuffled onto your side for the umpteenth time, the bed feeling cold despite all your moving and huffing and puffing. Unable to take it anymore, you threw off your covers and stomped out of bed. You pulled on your robe and slippers, and marched towards the exit, having to go through to the sitting room first. As you pushed open the door you heard a muttered “ouch!” 

You softly frowned at your fiancé, who lay in a heap of blankets outside your door. He rubbed the back of his head, undoubtedly where the door had whacked him.

“Sorry,” you murmured, kneeling beside his scrunched-up frame. 

“What’s the hurry for?” He softly grumbled.

“I was coming to see you. Why are you here? Have you been sleeping at my door?”

He pursed his lips, glancing around your sitting room. “I couldn’t sleep without you. This room smells like you though, so I thought I wouldn’t be disturbing you if I rested here for the night.”

You raised a brow at him. “On the floor outside of my door? Have you forgotten that there’s not one, or even two, but three sofas in this room?”

“You bring up a great point,” he sighed. He gave you a sheepish look, rubbing at the back of his head again. “But the sofas are all loveseats. My feet dangle uncomfortably.” 

“Come to bed then,” you said, softly tugging at his arm. “You fit there.”

“You want to break that little Ravkan custom then?” He smiled teasingly at you.

“I want you to have a restful night’s sleep, one that won’t be found on the floor.”

You stood, extending your hands to him. He took your assistance, lumbering into your bedroom with you. When he collapsed into your bed, he let out a positively euphoric sigh. 

“I love your bed.”

“Don’t get too used to it,” you smiled softly, lying down on your side and pulling the layers of blankets up. “After tomorrow I’m unlikely to ever sleep in the queen’s room again.”

“Quite right,” he smiled back.

He rolled closer, wrapping all of his limbs around you. You breathed him in, the scent of pine enough to make your mind quiet and eyes weary.

“Did you have to open your door so harshly?” He murmured into your forehead. “I feel a bump already forming on the back of my head.”

“Sorry,” you hummed, tilting your face up to kiss his chin and then cheek. “Can I get you anything?”

He softly shook his head. “Your company is more than enough to salve.”

At the sound of your amused huff, he squeezed you tighter.

“My wife.”

“Not yet.”

He gently smirked down at you. “It’s a matter of hours now, love.”

“Even still…”

He pressed his lips to your forehead and let them remain there, nuzzling your hairline. His chest rose and fell with the steadiest rhythm. For a long moment he was still, and you thought he might have fallen asleep. But when he shifted again, wrapping his arms lower around your waist and kissing your forehead again, you knew him to be awake. To be present with you.

The new reality was sinking deeper into your chest. The thoughts you figured would dissipate once in his arms were whispering to you again.

“Everything is going to change tomorrow,” you muttered into Nikolai’s collar.

He made a curious hum.

“It’ll all change.”

His hand pressed to your nape, smoothing down the back of your nightgown. “Nothing will change, as you keep reminding me. We'll love each other all the same.”

“Everything else will be different,” you quietly grumbled.

He leaned back and tilted your head towards him, his brow serious as he addressed your concerns. “What is troubling you, my love?”

You let out a huff, hiding your face in his collar again.

“No secrets,” he reminded you with a gentle squeeze.

“I’m finding the words,” you whispered into his skin.

Though patience was not his strong suit, Nikolai waited for you, his hand steadily stroking your back again. The motion of it brought your mind to a lull, and you had trouble piecing your concerns into something concise enough to share. It must have taken a few minutes before you spoke again, but Nikolai waited calmly the entire time.

“I’m afraid that I won’t be myself after tomorrow,” you finally whispered.

His hand stilled on your back. “What are you talking about?”

“I just… I feel like this’ll change me in a way I won’t know how to come back from. Like I’ll lose something about myself.”

When you finally glanced up at his face, he was frowning. “What do you think you’ll lose?”

“I don’t know. Myself. Who I am, who I was. I don’t know.” You put your face to his collar again. “I’m becoming a Lantsov.”

His hand flexed on your back. “Is that what this is about?”

You said nothing, and he pressed on in a gentle voice.

“Marrying me, taking my name, even becoming a queen,” he said, “none of it erases who you’ve been and who you are.”

“But it’s a step away from them,” you murmured.

He sighed, rubbing your back again. He didn’t have to ask who you were referring to. He had helped you carry their weight for many years now. He lived with their ghosts as you did.

“They’ll be with you in this chapter of life just as they have been for the rest, my love.”

“I’m losing my last tie to them, Nikolai,” you whispered.

“I know.” He held you closer, lips brushing the top of your head yet again. “I know names are important. I know it feels like you’re losing this tie. But think of it this way, my dear: our family, you, me, and the future children we grow and nurture, will all be tied because of the Lantsov name.”

You sniffled. “That’s true.”

“It is.”

You wiped at your face. No tears had fallen, but they had glazed over your eyes. You took a moment to let them dissipate.

“I love you,” you said.

“I love you too,” Nikolai soothed. “More than the world.”

“That is a hefty statement,” you sighed into his neck.

“It’s the truth.” He slipped into Kerch then, “My soul knows no richer than yours.”

You cracked a small smile against his skin. “Charmer.”

His chest shook with a soft chuckle. “I try my best.” 

Nikolai shifted slightly, moving onto his back and pulling you with him. You curled up against his side, putting your head to his chest. 

“I cannot wait to be your husband,” he yawned.

You caught the yawn, slowly exhaling it. “I am happy about marrying you, Nik. Truly. Even if I'm slightly nervous. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.”

..........

EIGHTH YEAR - KAZ

The wind was still as Kaz stood at the harbour, his tie straight now, and his eyes on Inej as she hung off of her parents, hugging them with a reckless abandon that would have made him flinch if he were watching anyone else.

How long had her parents waited for her? How long had they held out hope that she would return to them? How long would it take for such hope to turn to grief?

For Kaz, his hope of finding his sister had turned to grief within his early years alone in the underbelly of the Barrel. Spending his nights fending off roaches and other crooks, Kaz slowly knew she was not returning for him. He would wonder what she was doing, where she had gone after Ketterdam. But he was not foolish enough to think she would pull him out of this place.

All his wondering, all his sleepless nights, he still sometimes wished she were coming back. But wishing was different from hoping; he often made that distinction in his head whenever the ache in his chest began to feel too real. It was a matter of odds; wishing implied a low-stakes bet, putting one chip in for a shot at the pot, but hoping conjured up the Crow Club gamblers who would put all of their chips forward. For those at the table who hoped, their dreams were always dashed when the dealer flipped their final card and they were left without a chip to cash in. 

Kaz could let himself wish his sister would return, but he would never let hope turn him into the penniless chump at the table.

The wondering made him imagine her at present, where she landed, and whether she had made a better life for herself. Maybe she worked in a rich family’s house in Fjerda. Maybe she was a Kerch translator for Ravkan merchants. Maybe she had met a Zemeni farmer and begun a family. Or maybe she was dead after all.

That was one of the thoughts that made his chest ache. And it was the only thought that could stir him to hope for a good life for her, or if not a good life, at least a safe and alive existence.

Kaz left the harbour, saying his goodbyes to Inej and her parents. He could tell that he would be alone again now. He would have Jesper and Wylan in the city with him, but there was only so much that their paths would cross now that the two of them had moved out of the Barrel. The loneliness ached like he was nine and had just been kicked out of every Stadwatch precinct after searching for his sister, his only remaining family. In the past eight and a half years, he had never felt more like the lost little boy who came out of that water than he did right now. 

Returning to the Crow Club, he put his coat away in his new office, taking a seat at his desk. There was paperwork to be signed, ledgers to check. But he could not narrow his mind on the stacks of paper yet, preoccupied with his damn wondering.

Did he even remember her face? Sometimes he forgot and had to piece her features together like a puzzle. Even then, he wasn't certain of the image of her in his mind; she just looked like unreliable fragments of the sister who read him stories and cuddled him close. 

Baby brother, she used to call him. There was a time he hated that name, but now? Now he'd burn all the riches in the world just to see her smile, call him baby brother, and pull him into her side. But, of course, he was grown now, and not the same boy he used to be. He didn't know if he could handle having his sister's arms around him, despite how he used to relish in them. He liked to think that if she somehow found him after all this time, he could handle the sisterly love she used to dole out to him, but he couldn't be certain that the waters wouldn’t begin to drown him, that he wouldn’t push her away. 

His only certainty was that she would never see her baby brother again, because even if--by some miracle--she found Kaz, she would not find the boy she knew. There was no Kaz Rietveld, a sweet child who picked flowers for her. There was only Kaz Brekker, the bastard of the Barrel.

She would detest him if she ever found him, the man who murdered her baby brother. 

..........

A/N: Thanks so much for reading! Feel free to like, reblog, and comment on this new part--I really appreciate the feedback! If you want to be tagged in this series or to be added to the Nikolai taglist please comment on this part or send me an ask. Otherwise, I hope you have a great day/night :)

Masterlist

Taglist: Tomorrow or later tonight I will reblog with the tags!

[somuchforahobby]

how many secrets can you keep?

Summary: An arranged marriage to everyone's fav tsar

Part 2: crawling back to you Words: 10K Tags: Fluff & angst Warnings: women used as bargain to win wars ? Gifs stolen from: @goatsandgangsters Read on AO3

The Palace was much bigger than you were told. As soon as you stepped off the carriage you were led to what would be your rooms. On the right was a big bed, a sitting area in front of a chimney and a bathroom. At the end of the room there was a door to the balcony. 

You stood on the balcony for what felt like hours thinking about all of this. An arranged marriage, a bitter laugh on your lips. Damned your father to have sold you off to Ravka and damned the King for buying you off in exchange for an alliance with Kerch. The irony of it all would drive you crazy.

“It is a nice view” a voice behind startled you. It was a man in ragged and dirty clothes. “Do you ice-skate?” There was a shit eating grin on his handsome face.

“No”

“Perhaps you will learn this winter” he pointed to the lake, “it becomes a ice rink”

“Does the tsar skate?”

His grin turned into a half smile, “he does, or tries to.”

“Who are you?” 

“A friend”

“Of who?” You looked him up and down.

“Hopefully yours”

“I don’t think I’ll be allowed to have male friends” you looked at him again, “not that handsome at least” a blush raced to your cheeks.

“Yeah, you should ask your fiancé” The stranger leaned against the balcony, next to you.

“When I meet him” a disdained sight left your mouth, “do you work here?”

“Yes”

“What do you do?”

“A little bit of everything but first and foremost I’m an inventor” 

“Of what?”

“Mmmm” he tapped fingers against his mouth, thinking, “ships, aircrafts” 

“Are you part of the army?” 

“Yes I am”

“Is it true that Ravka has flying ships?”

He laughed, “it is true, I invented them myself” 

“The groom is not supposed to see the bride before the wedding!” A beautiful red haired woman shouted from inside of the room. She was wearing a kefta and glaring daggers at the man next to you. 

“Your highness.” You bowed your head slightly to him.

“Please don’t.” He took a step forward, his hands raised awkwardly at his sides, uncertain what to do with them. “Please don’t ever do that again, it is just Nikolai.” 

You raised your eyes to see him and nodded.

“You can have all the friends you want” he smirked, “none of them will be this handsome anyway”

You nodded, suddenly ashamed of your bolt of honesty.

“Hey” he lifted your face to see him, “we will see a way to make this work.” He gave you a half smile that told you he was not comfortable with this either.

“I am sure we will.” You gave him one of your own, “Nikolai.”

And with that, his smile was complete.

***

The ceremony was beautiful, you had to thank Genya for all the attention to detail in the decorations as well as to your dress. The white and golden gown worthy of fairy tales had been a perfect choice.

You drank and danced with your husband and guests, and although every single member of Nikolai’s court treated you wonderfully, your smile could not quite reach your eyes. There was an unspoken sorrow in your heart, no matter how handsome and kind your husband was, you did not know him and yet you now had to devote your life to him.

You thanked the servant who helped you out of the dress, walked into your joint bedroom in your nightgown and your heart stomping out of your chest.

Your husband was taking off his jewelry when he spotted you through the mirror, a shy smile on his face.

“Hey” he greeted first.

“Hi” you walked to him, “would you like me to call someone to help you?” 

“No, thanks. I can do it.” He continued with the buttons on his jacket. Although the gloves made the task much more difficult.

“I can help you, then.” His hands laid nimbly at his sides as your fingers did the work efficiently. “You looked very handsome today.” You complimented, trying to get the conversation flowing.

“Thank you. I must admit I felt quite jealous, I don’t think I could ever look as good as you, my queen.” 

Your face flushed at his compliment, quickly finishing with his jacket and taking a step back, looking down.

“Are you alright?” 

You figured it was best to be honest about it. “I am nervous, Nikolai. I have never done this and I hope I can, well, please you.” Your face was crimson by the time you finished the sentence, but his’ was puzzled.

“Done what?” His brows furrowed.

“Consummate a marriage.” You looked away in shame.

He scoffed. “Neither have I, I’m afraid this is my first marriage.” 

His joke release tension from you, making you smile, “you know what I mean.” 

“I do, but you don’t have to worry about that.” His gloved fingers guided your chin to look back at him. “I have no intentions of doing it tonight, or any other night, as long as you do not want it. I do not find your fear desirable.”

A breeze of relief fell on you.

“I asked for your room to be ready for tonight, you can stay there as long as you like. This thing-“ his hand gestured to the space between your bodies, “will take time, and I have no intention in hurrying it.”

“Thank you. But I know why I am here, Nikolai. If this thing” you mirrored his gesture, “doesn’t work, just know I know my duty.”

He contemplated you for a minute before speaking again. “I will not bring a child product of fear and disdain into this world. It would not make a good king.” He leaned in and placed a tender kiss on your forehead. “Good night, my queen.” 

With that, you left his room for the night, grateful that you had not married an ape.

***

“I did not know I had married a little myshka.” Your husband smiled from the door of the library, bringing one to your own face.

“Moi tsar.” You teased, “what a surprise to see you this afternoon.” 

He walked to you, hands clasped on his back, looking at the books on the table.

“Ravka’s history and myths.” When you looked up he extended a bouquet of flowers to you. “Thank you!” 

“The least I can do for my queen” he sat in front of you, “how are your studies going so far?” 

“Good, the life of Saints is a bit confusing, but it is going well.” You took a quick look at your notes, leaving the flowers aside, “Hopefully I can get a good idea soon enough so I can join your court, maybe?”

“Oh” he smiled, “is that what you wish to do?”

“I think so.”

“Why?” He seemed intrigued.

“Well, I was on my way to become a scholar in Ketterdam, I think I could do decent work.” 

“I went to College in Ketterdam as well, quite a nice place.”

The declaration surprised you, “Oh? Never saw you there, I think.” 

“I doubt we frequented the same places, darling.” He smirked.

“What was your major?” 

“Law and politics.” 

“Same as me.”

“Yeah but I barely spent any time in classes.” 

“Were you a drunken moi tsar?” You teased.

He laughed, “I will not entertain this nonsense of accusation.” 

“You were!” You laughed as well. “That is why I never saw you there.”

“You are also younger than me!” He tried to defend himself.

“Just two years, I still could have seen you in some classes.”

He scrunched his nose, “good thing you did not”

“Why?” 

“I would have asked you out, of course.”

You scoffed, “I don’t think so”

“Are you joking?” a pretty girl who can do all of my homework? Darling you would have been my number one target.”

It was your turn to laugh, “then good thing you didn’t because I wouldn’t have done your homework.”

He shrugged, “I would have done mine with you, for sure.”

You blushed at his comment, feeling your face warm at the insinuation. “But we did not meet.”

He raised his shoulders, dismissing the missed opportunity.

“So… a law and politics advisor in my council. I like that. Right now it is filled with soldiers, Ravka is in urgent need of a brain there.” 

You matched his smile with your own. “I’d be honored.”

His eyes were kind on you, as if he was amazed to hear you want to be part of his life. “Please let me know when you feel ready and or if you have any doubts.” He took a look at his watch and then stood up. 

“Nikolai, I do have one question.” He looked back at you tenderly. “What is myshka?” 

A sweet smile lightened his face, “mouse, my little library mouse.” He leaned in to kiss the top of your head before leaving you for the day.

***

Time passes so slowly when you are in a trial.

“She bleeds again.” One of you maids said during your second month in the Palace. 

“You shouldn’t be running everyday, moi tsaritsa. Your eggs will fall.” the doctor ordered, little did he know you had barely seen your husband.

“It is not her bleeding we should be checking.” Some girl whispered during your breakfast at the patio, while you pointlessly drank all sorts of beverages to ‘help’ your fertility.

“He doesn’t like her because she is not noble” a whisper on your back, “neither is -“ she shut up when you looked.

“Your duty to the Lantsov Dynasty remains” a letter addressed to you from Queen Tatiana was stamped in your brain. You tossed it in the trash when you read it. 

“Nikolai wants you to visit the Hospital today and send the ill his regards.” Genya announced with a smile that brought sickness to your mouth at the mere thought that everyone in the Palace knew your husband’s wishes better than you.

Whispers and voices filled your days, until it was nighttime.

Because every night, you had dinner at the quietness of your chambers and then, you would stay awake to listen when your husband came into his room, next door from your own. When he did you counted the steps that accompanied and then waited in the hall to see who and when they left.

Every night your heart sank a little deeper, because every night the same person walked out of his chambers.

And not a single time General Nazyalensky could hold your stare.

***

You were not speaking to him. You were actually avoiding him.

You ran at breakfast time, ate at council time and read in your bedroom. It was not so hard considering he didn't try to find you either and he was away constantly. Away with her, your mind shouted.

A month or so went by since the last time you had seen your husband. Until one night a servant announced the King wanted to have dinner together.

You chose the most beautiful dress in Lantsov blue, simple but elegant, to drag yourself to the dining room. He was already there in his First Army uniform, smirking at you.

“My beautiful wife.” He stood and walked to you, bringing your knuckles to his lips and placing a soft kiss. He helped you in your seat before returning to his. “I missed you, I haven’t seen you in forever.” He complained with tenderness. 

You did not answer.

“I just returned from a trip with General Nazyalensky and Count Kirigin, can you believe he is crazy for her?”

You bit down a growl. The audacity of this man, you thought.

“I was hoping you’d join the council soon, how are your studies going?”

You did not answer.

“I am running out of ideas for a conversation here, darling. I think I need your help.” His tone was firm and you finally raised your eyes from your plate to his face.

You sighed, “leave us” The waiters left the room, giving you the much needed privacy. “Perhaps you should ask General Nazyalensky to join you for dinner.”

Every hint of amusement and his signature smirk were gone in an instant. “Why would I?” 

“Well if you can’t help to have her in your chambers every night then perhaps you should have dinner with her as well.” Your tone was also firm.

His eyes did not falter, “it is not what you think”

“Then explain it.”

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“Try me”

“You have my word, dar—” 

Your scoff interrupted him. “Nikolai,” your patience thinned, “I would rather you behave like a jerk than keep up the good boy facade while you’re mocking me.” 

“Because I am not!”

You covered your face with your hands, it was the lie that hurt the most. “I knew this would happen and I only ask you to be more discreet.” You sighed, keeping your face down, “the whole damn castle talks about it and I am the idiot wife who can’t even do what she was brought to do. I can’t compete with her, Nikolai. She has it all, the beauty, the power, the king’s attention. It’s excruciating.”

“Look at me.” A firm order, your eyes caught his again, only that this time you did not see Nikolai, you were looking at the King. “You do not have to compete with her or anyone else, you are my queen.” His gloved hand captured yours on the table, drawing circles on your skin with his thumb while guiding it to his chest, you could feel his heartbeat, strong and steady, “I swear to you, there is no one else, General Nazyalensky is not in my bed. You must believe me. I will do anything for you to believe me.” 

“Everything but the truth.”

His heart beat faster. “What can I do to make you trust me? What do you want?”

Tears pricked your eyes, “Your attention.”

“You have it, but now I will make sure you have no doubts about it.” He closed both eyes, then swallowed, defeated. “Would it be ok with you if I paid you a visit every night, and then returned to my rooms?” 

“That would be a place to start.”

“Although, the Second Army General will continue to make a brief visit afterwards.” 

“Can I be there as well?”

“No.” That was definite. It amazed you how easy he changed from Nikolai to The Tsar.

“This would be easier if you told me the truth.” 

An exasperated sigh left his mouth and he stood from his seat, “my word will have to do for now, myshka.” 

Removing your hand from his chest, he laid a tender kiss to your knuckles before leaving the room.

***

Later that night he knocked on your door, you opened it widely and he walked all the way to the couch in front of the fireplace. “How was your day?” 

You sat next to him, facing the fire, his arm extended on cushions and your shoulders. “It was alright. I have been looking for books or writings about your father’s reign but I haven’t found any.” 

His gloved fingers picked a strand of your hair to toy with. “I think I can help you with that, if you’d like?”

“Please.”

“Well, umm” his gaze was lost on your hair, “what would you like to know?” 

“Anything a member of your council should know.”

He thought for a minute or two, immersed in your hair, “I do not think he was a good king. All he did was send troops to borders, give power to the darkling and the apparat, I don’t think he cared for the needs of the working class.”

“And do you?”

“Of course. I’d be a fool not to, they’re the only ones who want me to keep my throne.” He gave you a lazy smile.

“Why is it different what your father did with the darkling than what you do with the triumvirate?”

He leaned back, getting more comfortable, as he weighed your question. “Because I am not relying on one person but a council of Grisha, and because they would never do the atrocities the darkling did.”

“Such as?” 

“Separating families, sending children to be abused by powerful men, even to the king himself…” 

“Nikolai,” you turned your whole body to face him, “that is an awful thing to say about your father.” 

He released a hopeless scoff, “good thing I am not.”

Your head leaned to a side at his statement, “so it is true?” 

“I am afraid so.”

“Well that is also important information for a political advisor.” 

He smirked, “and to my wife.”

“I don’t think she’d care as much as Fjerda.”

“Is that a fact?” He asked playfully.

“A hundred percent.” 

He leaned towards you, leaving a kiss on your temple, “That is good to know.” He mumbled against your hair.

“How was your day?” 

“Awful.” He looked at the fire. “There are a bunch of people wanting to Sanctify the Darkling and my wife hates me.” He looked at you with what you guessed was some sadness in his eyes.

“I don’t think she hates you.”

The tiniest of smiles tugged at his lips, “no?” 

“No. I think she is just insecure.”

“Well she shouldn’t. As a victim myself I would never inflict the pain of lies on someone else.”

“Thank you.” You whispered and his face warmed.

“Trust me, please.” 

You simply nodded. 

You both sat by the fire for a good while, his arm on your shoulders as you slowly dozed off.

The next morning you woke up in your bed, alone. The other side, as usual, untouched.

***

“It is not up for discussion” one of your maids had said. So now here you were, dressed in a beautiful gown, alone in the balcony while strangers celebrated your Birthday in the saloon.

The leaves on the trees had just started to fall, early signs of the upcoming autumn visible in the palace gardens. The night breeze stirred your arms, making you shiver. A warm jacket fell on your shoulders then, making you turn to find a man standing beside you.

“My apologies, moi tsaritsa. You seemed to be cold.” A tall man with dark hair said. “I am Count Anton Nerenski, your highness.”

“Thank you for your kindness, Count Nerenski.” You turned to the gardens again.

“Beautiful party, I assume that tulips are your favorite?” 

Since the whole Palace was filled with them it was a fair assumption, “No. Roses are.” 

“Then why haven’t I seen any?” He quipped.

You sighed, “because nobody asked me anything about this damned party.”

“If I had known roses were your favorite I would have brought you a hundred of them.” 

You turned to see him, there was tenderness in his eyes, “thank you Count Nerenski.”

“Please, call me Anton.” 

You smiled and he matched. 

“If you don’t mind me asking, Your Highness, Where is the King?”

You sighed, unable to hide your disappointment. He left in the morning and promised to come back before the celebration, yet he had failed his promise. “He is on an important business trip.”

“And how do you feel that he is away?” 

Your jaw tightened, your whole body turned to face him, “I do mind your questioning, and I am nothing but proud of the King’s work. As should you.” 

“My apologies, your highness. I didn't mean to offend the King.” 

“You have spent far too much time on this conversation apologizing, haven’t you?” You pressed.

He scoffed, “I have, and I am further willing to get on my knees if my queen requested so.” 

A blush crept your face, understanding the nature of his intentions. “I wish for no such thing.”

“Yet,” his features softened, “but the path you are on is a lonely one, moi tsaritsa, I wish to extend you my friendship if you ever need it.” 

You merely looked at him: he was a handsome man, taller than you, his eyes were the color of sapphires, and a full beard filled his face. Black hair fell to his shoulders, which were wide and built like a soldier’s. Was this how your life would be now? Men throwing themselves at you offering an affair to deal with your loneliness?

“Your beauty does not belong to a balcony, moi tsaritsa, you have not danced all night, would you like to change that?” Count Nerenski extended a hand to you.

“As caring as always Anton, but I am afraid I must steal my dashing wife’s first dance.” Nikolai’s voice took you out of your thoughts, your eyes instantly finding him. Your heart swelled on your chest at the sight of him, already taking off his First Army jacket and walking towards you. “I fear other men might try to take her for a swing, forgetting altogether that can be considered treason. Although, I would too forget protocols and loyalties at the sight of her.” Nikolai’s voice was cheerful, yet a slight treat could be found in it.

Nikolai removed Anton’s jacket from your shoulders, replacing it with his own and pressing a chaste kiss on your cheek.

Anton grabbed his jacket from Nikolai’s hand, “Your Highness” bowed towards both of you and returned to the saloon. 

“My savior” you looked up to your husband.

“Would you dance with me?” He offered, his hand lingering on your waist. “I’m afraid I have to remind everyone in this Country who your husband is before they try to steal you from me.”

“Are you jealous, moi tsar?” You teased.

He huffed, “of Count Nerenski? Don’t make me laugh, dear.” His fingers tapped your waist to the rhythm of the background music.

“Then laugh.” You dared, “laugh and take the jealousy off your face.”

“I’d be jealous if you had enjoyed his company.”

“I enjoyed the warmth of his jacket.”

He scoffed, “enjoying another man's warmth, darling please just put a bullet in my head, it would wound me less”

“I am sorry, Nikolai.”

“Don’t be, unless you are actually interested in him?” There was a silent sorrow behind the question.

“I am not.” 

“Then I am sorry for not arriving on time.” His gloved hand touched your cheek, you leaned to his palm. “I brought you a gift though.” From the pocket of his pants he pulled a paper and handed it to you. It was a list. 

“You bought… nineteen, twentyfiv, THIRTY books?” You looked up to him to find him smiling.

“Well I could not fit them all in my pockets so I figured I’d show you the list. If you want to change them we can go to the bookstore tomorrow morning. The order sails in the afternoon to Ketterdam.”

“Nikolai” tears gathered in your eyes, touched by his present. “You didn’t have to do that, thank you.” 

He placed a lock of hair behind your ear, “I might have not known you loved roses but I knew you loved books.” 

“Thank you.” 

“Let’s go back in there and give them a nice show, shall we?” 

You nodded.

He helped you get your arms through his own jacket, “such a condecorated and beautiful soldier.” 

With both hands on your nape, you pulled your hair out of the jacket. “What can I say? I'm a catch.” 

He smirked, “of course you are” he guided you towards him with a hand on your waist, pushing your body against his, as you both walked back to the salon.

One of Nikolai’s valets stepped in front of you. “Your Highness, it is against protocol for the Queen to wear a military uniform as it is for the King to have an incomplete one. Also please be aware of the closeness.” The man’s eyes moved between your bodies, clashed together. 

“Thank you for your suggestion, Mikhail.” Nikolai pulled you towards the dance floor. 

Gasps filled the room when you both bowed before the music started; the King without his jacket and said jacket on his wife’s shoulders must have been a whole show. Anxiety left your body as soon as his hands guided your waist through the waltz.

***

You left the bath in a sheer gown, your hair wet falling on your back after your usual bath post run, and found your husband waiting for you in the same spot he had taken the day before, but instead of toying with your hair, he had one of your books in his hands and his long legs stretched on the couch. At the sight of you he raised his eyes to your body, taking an embarrassing amount of time admiring you before turning away. 

“I am sorry I should have-“ 

You grabbed a robe and pulled it on your shoulders, “that’s fine, you can look now.” 

When you saw his face, a faint blush still colored his cheeks. 

“How can I be of service, moi tsar?” 

He rearranged himself, allowing you to sit on the other side of the couch, nervousness could still be found in him, oddly enough. “I came to ask you to join me at the council today.”

“Yes, sure, when is it?” 

He looked at his watch, “In 10 minutes.”

“Oh.” You walked to your wardrobe in a rush, trying to find something to wear.

“Punctuality is important but not mandatory for a queen, myshka. Take your time.” He leaned back and returned his gaze to the book in his hands.

Without Genya or a maid to help you, you put on a dress and dried your hair as much as possible before leaving your chambers with your husband. You had never been to the war room before, and you were just as surprised to see it as the people inside were surprised to see you.

Nikolai held your hand during the entirety of the meeting, drawing circles on your skin with his thumb, what you had now identified as an anxiety tick.

Every time some decision was to be made, he turned to you and asked your opinion, every time you said you’d rather listen this time and every time he announced again you were a political genius to the group. Shy smiles could be spotted between all of them as a blush betrayed you. 

Once the meeting was over and everyone had left the room, Nikolai turned to you with the brightest smile you had seen in him yet.

“Thank you.” He placed a chaste kiss on your knuckles.

“Thank you for letting me in. I have so much to learn from all of you.”

“Nonsense.” He hooked your hand on his arm, walking out of the room with you. 

***

“I have been wanting to ask you something.” You said after a few minutes of silence. 

He nodded, asking you to continue. 

“In Ketterdam, there were some places where people had stuff and you could go in and get it for a price.”

His eyebrows furrowed, confused. “Yeah?”

“Every month, my father gave me a certain amount of money for me to be able to get whatever things I wanted.” 

Nikolai tilted his head.

“And since I have been here of course I have not yet needed to buy anything, because the Palace has it all.” You started speaking faster, “But I heard there will be an art bazaar downtown and I would like to go. However I do not have any money and I was wondering if maybe you could lend me some?”

“Lend you?” His voice was firm yet confused.

“Yes”

“And how would you pay me back?”

You had not thought about it, “I could send word to my father so—“ his laugh interrupted your rant. He had bent over his stomach laughing while you stared, not sure what was so funny.

“You are the queen of Ravka!” He said between paths, “you do not need to carry money around !” He said it like a dirty word.

“I do not understand?” 

He took a long breath to rearrange himself. “You can go downtown whenever you please, you get whatever you want and ask for the tab, then bring it to my valet and forget about it.” 

“Oh” you blushed, suddenly ashamed of your question. “And I can do that anywhere?” 

“Nearly, yes.” 

Now it was your turn to smirk. 

“But please measure yourself, do not bring this country to bankruptcy.” He teased.

“You should have thought about that before laughing at your queen!” You teased back.

He sighed and sank deeper into your bedroom’s couch, “either with her beauty or her boldness, but this queen of mine is gonna drive me crazy.”

***

You hugged your legs close to your torso, leaning your face against your knees, watching him as he told you yet another story of his life at Sea. By now the only thing you wish to have done before marrying him was getting to know the notorious Sturmhond. 

Nikolai was so passionate about his privateer past, the way he told the tales was so detailed, you could picture them in your head and soon after you could swear you had been there. He talked about Kaz Brekker and the crows, and your mouth opened to know he knew and was friends with your father’s biggest headache, both laughing at the thought of him finding out.

“What do you desire, Nikolai?” You asked after a few minutes of silence and looking at the nostalgia on his face.

“For peace in Ravka.” A well rehearsed answer.

“I asked Nikolai, not the tsar.” 

He finally looked at you, “what I desire has no consequence since I am no longer a man but a Sovereign.” 

“And if you were just a man again, what would you desire?” 

His shoulders dropped with a sigh, “to sleep” he stared at the fire for a long time, then asked, “what would you desire?”

“To hold your hand.”

He grabbed your hand in his, kissing your knuckles before tangling his fingers with yours.

“Without the gloves, Nikolai.”

He did not speak for a while, just looking at your hands intertwined. 

“I was cursed by the darkling.”

“I have heard, Korol Rezni.” 

He looked back at you with profound sadness in his eyes, “yes, which is why I can not let you see my hands.” 

He dropped your hand and stood up abruptly.

“Nikolai, plea—“

“No” again, when he turned it was the Tsar. You kept your place and nodded when he said good night.

***

You had ten people around you, all of them working to get you ready for your agenda of the day. Genya was working on your hair when you realized nobody was working anymore and instead they were bowing. You turned to find Nikolai leant against the door frame, looking at you.

“Moi tsar.” You teased and returned to look at Genya.

“My beautiful wife.” He walked to your line of sight. “Busy day?”

“Yes, I will visit the primary school today.” A bright smile lightened your face.

“By yourself?” He raised an eyebrow.

“Tamar is going with me.”

“Mmmm” he contemplated for a minute, “Tolya will go as well.”

“And what about you?” As much as you appreciated his concern, he could not be left without a bodyguard.

“I’ll be right in front of him the whole time.” He smirked, “if you don’t mind of course?” 

You smiled, “I’ll be honored.”

That night you were crying on the balcony when he let himself into your room. The weight of everything you had seen that day was starting to get you. 

“Darling?” His voice echoed from your bedroom.

“Over here!” You cleaned your face best as you could hoping he wouldn’t notice, but failed.

“What’s wrong?” There was concern in his voice, “are you hurt?” 

You scoffed, “It’s nothing, don’t worry.”

“What’s wrong?” He guided your shoulders to him, then drew your face upwards.

“What we saw today made me a little sad.” 

“The school?” 

You nodded.

“I don’t think I understand?” His brows furrowed. “I saw children very happy to meet their queen.”

You turned your body towards the garden again, leaning your forearms to the balcony. “I saw boys, mostly. Little girls, that started to be less and less around the age of nine.” A long sigh left your mouth, “they are not in school because they are married, Nikolai.”

“No, that’s” 

“What?” You turned to him, his brows were furrowed, he was piecing together a puzzle.

“Illegal” he muttered.

“Just because it’s illegal doesn’t make it undoable.” There was hate in your voice as you said it.

“That is what illegal means.”

“It means nothing if you don’t do anything to stop it!” You tried to regain control over yourself, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry. It’s just that I feel for all those girls who will never get to experience their lives because their parents sold them off to the highest bet.”

“Like you.” His voice was barely above a whisper.

Panic flooded you, “No! Nikolai, don’t! I am so very lucky to have you!” Your hands landed on his chest, as if you were trying to keep his heart inside.

There was a sad smile on his face as his hands circled yours, “I understand, I often wonder how different my life would be if I had been born a woman, I understand you are upset.”

“Every day I thank the Saints for the luck I have to be your wife, Nikolai. I swear.” You looked him deep in the eye, not a single doubt on your words. “I just grieve for those girls that did not have the luck I had to marry a kind man.” 

He kissed both your hands and then held you into a tight hug. “Then good thing you are the queen of Ravka and can change things for them.” He mumbled on your hair.

***

You had taken your reading to the gardens. The Palace was just too much noise, too many people, so many whispers. You laid leaning against a tree, reading the Story of Saints again, trying desperately to distract your mind from the aura surrounding you.

You stared at the Palace from afar, how could a place so beautiful be so obsessed with finding other’s flaws? No doubt why the royals often went crazy.

“I have been looking for you” Nikolai’s voice startled you, making you drop your book from your hands to the floor. He sat next to you on the grass. “What are you doing?” 

You did not turn to him, “just reading”

He took the book from the grass and gave it back to you, “Do not let me stop you.”

“Please do, I can’t even focus.” 

“mmmm” His arm rounded your shoulders, “come here” You leaned your head on his chest. “Does that have anything to do with my trip to the Fold?” 

“Not the trip, really.” 

“The crew.” 

You shrugged.

“Darling, I beg of you not to listen to that nonsense.” His hands moved up and down your arm. “It’s not easy when people laugh around me.” 

“You could have them hanged for treason, you know?” 

You scoffed, “Yeah, that would make me a very beloved queen.” 

He sighed, with his free hand, he guided your chin upward to face him, “Then let’s issue a statement.” There was a sassy smirk on his face.

“A statement?” 

His eyes fell from your own to your lips briefly, “yeah.”

“what would it say?”

“Have dinner with me today, I’ll send Genya to your room to have you ready at 7.” 

You just stared at him, not sure what to say nor what to think.

“Yeah?” 

“I don’t think I can say no to you moi tsar.” a shy smile threaded on your lips.

“For the sake of my intentions I’mma say that is correct.”

After a romantic dinner in the garden, he walked you to the main saloon.

When the door opened your mouth did as well. The whole floor was filled with short little candles.

You turned to see him in awe and he merely shrugged like it was nothing. A runway leading from the door to the center was lit by larger ones, where a wide circle was also free of fire. He walked with you through it and once you were in the middle of the room, a quartet of musicians started to play a waltz. 

“Would you honor me a dance?” He offered his hand and you nodded.

He grabbed your waist in a heartbeat, like if your body called to him. Your hand on his chest felt meant to be. He swayed you like a doll, like a well rehearsed play. His signature smirk was permanent on his face.

“What is this, Nikolai?” You asked, blushed.

He made you swirl and you caught servants looking from the balconies above.

He shrugged, “a statement.” He leaned to your shoulder, his lips gracing your skin, “may I?”

“I don’t think I can say no to you, can I?” 

You felt him smile, “I don’t think you can, no.” He mumbled before leaving a path of chaste kisses on your exposed shoulder.

“Nikolai”

“Mmm?” He mumbled against your skin.

“What does this statement say?”

He raised his head to see you, a gilded smile on his face, “that the King of Ravka is head over heels for his wife and that he would do anything to show her how he feels.”

“And is it true?” 

His forehead leaned on yours, not granting you an answer.

“Nikolai?”

“Yes?”

“Can I kiss you?” 

Like it was an order, his lips found yours immediately. He guided your hand to his neck and his arms moved to circle your waist, his lips evolved into a soft, romantic kiss. He was tender, kind, his lips were begging you for more in the kindest of ways.

Your chest tightened in desire, and you could feel the thread where his control was hanging, you pulled back to regain yourself, leaning against him again.

His breath was agitated, but so was yours, he stole a short kiss and then continued his path on your shoulder.

A few waltz later, he guided you to your room. apologizing for not being able to stay any longer, He went into his chambers and soon after you heard someone else walk by. 

The next morning he was gone before sunrise, but your room dawned with a bouquet of fresh roses and a goodbye note from him.

***

Protocols aside, you nearly jumped to hug him when he finally returned. You heard his chest rumble with giggles as he wrapped his arms around you, “Did you miss me, moi tsaritsa?” He whispered in your ear.

Pushing away you answered, looking up to him, “Greatly.” 

His eyes were fixed on your lips, “May I kiss you? You know, so everyone sees it.”

“You may.” 

He leaned down to kiss you, a soft yet needy kiss for every witness to see how much the King had missed his wife; the tenderness of a devoted husband along with the urgent need of a man. It was a display, yet your heart had not gotten the memo, since it was stomping out of your chest.

He pulled away first, his eyelashes fluttering against your brow, his breath hitching your face.

“I missed you too.” He said before kissing the top of your nose and finally taking a step back.

***

Since he returned, he made it his personal goal to kiss you whenever you were surrounded by other people, he had even said so the first time he did. You found him as you walked out of the library towards the garden, he was leaving his study with the council, and the second he saw you his hands cradled your face and kissed you briefly, for then tilt his head sideways and deepen the kiss. When he pulled away you saw everyone around you was flushed and trying to look away, except for Genya who had a genuine smile on her face. Nikolai then winked at you, and continued his path. 

***

When he was focused he would not even look at you. Sitting on his desk and with a thousand papers in front of him, his eyes were reading page after page, immersed in paperwork about the year expenses and needs, you knew this was your chance.

You walked to his desk, until your thighs graced his forearms. Almost instinctively, his hand landed near your hip.

“Yes, love?” He asked, not raising his eyes.

“Nikolai, could you please sign this?” You put the paper in front of him, without hesitation he drew a signature on the bottom of the page and continued his reading. 

You bent down and kissed his cheek then started your path out of his office.

“Darling” he called when you were near the door. 

“Yes?” You turned with feigned innocence on your face.

“What did I sign?” There was a small smirk on his lips and light amusement in his eyes.

You smiled playfully, “A law.” 

“Oh?” His smirk grew. “About what?” 

You returned to his side and gave him the paper, he took it with a playful smirk and read it.

“Mandatory school for girls?” He looked up to you.

You nodded.

He stood from his chair, taking you in his arms. He smelled like woods, like sea, like fire, like freedom and class, like a prince from a fairytale. your arms wrapped around his waist briefly before he let you go. “Please see it published first thing in the morning.”

He sat again but his gaze remained fixed on you, a mix of admiration and fondness emanating from him. “And please keep doing this.”

“That you can be certain of.”

“Darling” his hand hovered above your knee, he was not touching you but you could feel the warmth of his skin even through the gloves and the heavy fabric of your dress. He looked up tenderly, “I have plenty of work to catch up tonight, I’d recommend you to get some sleep, I don’t think I can join you today.” 

“I understand.” You bit your lower lip and turned to leave the room.

“Think of how you want me to make it up to you.” 

You turned to see him again, there was a boyish smirk on his face, and you matched with your own. “I already know.”

“And what do you want, moi tsaritsa?” 

“I want you to take me on a date outside the Palace, I want to see Ravka.”

His brows lifted in surprise, a shadow crossed his face. 

“Have I offended you in any way?” 

He sighed, leaning back on his chair, “not in the slightest. I find it disappointing that I have not done my job courting you properly and I apologize for that.”

“A king does not need to court, your highness.” You teased.

“Not out of need, but of desire. The day I met you I promised you we would make this work, I intended to make it so by courting you and hopefully making you fall in love with me, and look at us: you have to beg me to spend time with you.”

You walked to his desk, a playful smile on your face, “I have not begged yet.”

That brought a slight blush to his cheeks. He placed both elbows on the desk, his gaze intensifying on you “and I am certain you’d look delightful but if I am to make you beg it won’t be for time.” Now it was your turn to blush. “I will take you out on a date, the day after tomorrow. I’ll send you something to wear.”

“You already know where we are going?”

His smirk deepend, “I always have.”

You bit your lower lip to hide your smile and nodded once before leaving the room.

For about fifteen minutes you considered going to Tolya since you felt your heart was leaving your chest right away.

***

Nikolai spent the day submerged in meetings, from one room to another, you heard people passing by all day as you were in the library, which is why you were not expecting him that night. You guessed he was either too tired or still too busy to come to your rooms, and given you were almost certain your hand was injured from all the writing you had done, you made yourself comfortable and dipped your strained hand in a bucket of warm water. That’s how he found you, sitting on the couch, in your spot, with your hand up to the elbow in water while you calmly looked at the fire. 

“Are you alright?” 

You turned to him with surprise on your face, “Nikolai” 

He walked to you, looking at your hand, then repeated himself, “are you alright?”

“Yes, it’s just that I wrote too much today.” 

He grabbed a towel and sat next to you, taking your hand out the water and drying it before massaging it softly. “Was it another Law?” With a raised brow he lifted his gaze to you.

You merely shrugged. 

“I appreciate your service but not to this point, myshka. Your wellbeing is this country’s priority, do not forget that.” 

You pouted at his scorn, leaning against his shoulder. “How was your day?” Your voice was dipping in tenderness.

He sighed, “exhausting” he kissed your hand before extending an arm on your shoulders, you rearranged yourself on his chest. “As much as I wanted to come home to read in the gardens with my wife, a lot happened while I was away that required my attention.”

“Your wife requires your attention as well.” 

A dark smirk formed on his lips, “she does?” He shifted, from being relaxed against the couch to sitting straight with his body angled towards yours, a hunter lurking his prey, “And how can I oblige to her needs?” 

“Take a wild guess” 

“I fear I might take one that turns out to be too wild.” His gaze was fixed on your lips.

“And?”

“Might scare you off”

“Impossible”

He let out a scoff, “Sturmhond would say that you mean improbable.”

“Oh? I wonder what the notorious privateer would do in this situation?” You teased.

An amused sigh left his mouth, “things that are far too scandalous to be even mentioned in front of a queen.” 

“I’d suggest not to say them and just do them, then.”

“Even worse.”

“Ummm” you feigned deception, “too bad, I would have loved to meet the guy. I heard he has quite a reputation.”

“Really?” Nikolai’s ego shone through his smile.

“Oh, yes. I’d like to know if what I have heard turns out to be true.” You laid on your back, him following closely.

“And what have you heard?”

“Things that are far too scandalous to be even mentioned in front of a King.”

He was practically on top of you know, his lips roaming yours.

“Then it is probably true.” He was practically on top of you now, his face millimeters above yours. “Please tell me what you want, love.” A jolt of honesty and vulnerability dominated his eyes, pulling the lust and desire away to accommodate your needs first. 

“You, Nikolai.” 

“Nobody is watching now.” 

It screwed your brains that he might think you only wanted him when you could be seen. One of your brows lifted in a challenge, “Then do your worst.”

His lips crashed against yours, but this time his tempo was slow and cautious, not a hint of urgency and need, but a patient lover with all the time in the world. Your hands rounded his neck and his’ supported him while cradling your face. 

His legs moved in between yours, applying light pressure in your core with his hips, earning a muffled moan from your lips. He pulled away, his eyes dark with desire and mouth open with adoration. “Tell me what you want” 

“I can not move further without the touch of your hand, Nikolai, please.” 

A half smile crossed his lips, “you truly are a delight begging” his sight roamed your face, “close your eyes” a firm order, you obliged. 

Rough and cold fingers wrapped around your hand, lifting it over your head, while the other set touched your face lightly, you could feel all calluses and scars roaming your cheek, then your neck, and after a brief lack of touch, climbing up your ankle.

“Nikolai” you moaned.

“Shh” he let go of your hand to touch your lips with his thumb, “you’re so soft” you could hear him near, the pressure on your core harder every second. He pushed his thumb in your mouth, a weird taste of charcoal in your tongue as you licked it, he groaned in your ear, “can’t wait to feel more of you” his hand finally stopped on your hip, pulling his thumb out and resuming his kiss. His hands were still cold, but somehow made you feel even warmer.

He was toying with your undergarments, cold fingers stretching the soft fabric and touching all around, except where you needed him the most. You wondered how it might be, cold fingers against your hot core, and it made you dizzier.

It was becoming too much: the warmth of the chimney, his body on top of you and the coldness of his hands. You wanted to scream, to beg him to please take you now, but you could only continue under his torturous pace, kissing him back, your hands roaming his chest and making a mess of his hair, pulling his curls out of its perfect place. A gentle tug of his hair earned you a groan, which nearly pushed you off the edge.

“Can I take these off?” He tugged your undergarments, panting.

“Yes.”

“Beg” he said in your ear.

“Nikolai, please.”

“That is not begging.”

“Nikolai, I beg you to take them off.” 

“That’s my girl” he bit your ear while pulling the fabric.

A loud knock made you open your eyes abruptly to see him hide his hands from your sight “close your eyes” he instructed. 

You heard the sound of fabric, steps and a door open. “Nikolai” General Nazyalensky’s voice filled the room, “We received correspondence from the Termite, there are Fjerdan troops marching south. The council is waiting for you in the war room.”

“I’ll be there in a few minutes” 

The door closed and he was back in your eyesight. He sat between your legs again, admiring you for a minute.

“Care to continue?” You teased.

“We’ll have to put a raincheck on that” He said and you blushed at his blunt rejection, turning your face away from him. Suddenly he was on top of you again, his now gloved hands guiding your face towards his’, “because I only have a couple minutes and with you I need so much more than that, myshka.” He kissed you deeply again, it felt like a natural thing now. “Get some sleep, I’ll see you in the morning for our date.” He stood up, extending a hand to help you do the same. You took it.

“Don’t you have a war to attend?” 

“It will have to wait for another day.” With that he kissed you again before rearranging himself and leaving with a flirty wink.

***

The smell of flowers woke you up. When your eyes opened you realized your room was filled with roses of all colors. On every surface of the room there was a thick bouquet and on the nightstand a note that read

I am not sure if they are a hundred, but I brought you all the roses of Ravka. 

-Nik.

There were more than a hundred, for sure. You stood on your tiptoes, careful not to kick any, as you inspected every single vase, each one had a card sending you regards from the flower shop, each of them further away than the other. How had Nikolai gathered them all this morning, you had no clue.

Minutes later one of Nikolai’s valets left a box with clothes in it. After you changed into them, a plain white shirt, trousers and boots, you met your husband in the dais of the main stairs.

“Dashing as ever” His signature smirk greeted you. 

His outfit was similar to yours, way too simple for a king. He escorted you out and towards the lake, where you found a ship.

“Am I meeting Sturmhond today?” You asked with a smile.

“Maybe” 

He helped you on the ship, and after putting on a green jacket, he instructed the squallers as the ship caught the air and rose. 

A gasp left your mouth in terror and your husband was at your side in an instant, holding you close to him. For a while there was only him, your face buried on his chest, his smell grounding you. Then everything was calm again, and softly he pulled away and guided you to the bow, one hand on your waist and one on the railing.

“You wanted to see Ravka… I thought to show you your whole kingdom.”

Out of words, you explored the frozen woods of the North and the border with Fjerda; the vastness of the city of Os Alta, the desert on what used to be the Fold, all the cultures and colors of the southern cities, the clarity of the shore. All the while Nikolai whispered stories in your ear, his chest pressed against your back and his hands on your waist.

You ate at Os Kervo, where you both had to be tailored to go undercover, his now ginger hair bouncing free. 

You stood on the docks, looking at the sea. 

“Missing home?” His chin leaned against your shoulder.

“You are my home now, Nikolai.” 

He turned you and kissed you fiercely. There, in the docks of Os Kervo, tailored away from your royal faces, you were just two idiots in love. No protocols to respect or whispers to feed; just two lovers intertwined, hypnotized by their most animalistic needs of each other. Sturmhond took risks Nikolai wouldn’t; like pulling your hair and letting his fingers dig your skin, biting your lips and tasting your tongue, he pulled muffled moans out of you like a child takes cookies out of a jar. Your knees buckled, but his strong arms were there to hold you and continue his quest. When he was done, he leaned your foreheads together, gasping for air. 

“Such a conqueror” you whispered, panting.

“And I am not done yet.” His threat made your legs weak again.

You barely kept your hands off each other on the way back, but your control was completely lost as soon as you arrived at the Palace.

Your legs were on his hips, and his hands supporting them as you both walked in, the welcoming party waiting for you quickly dissipated as he carried you up the stairs and to your bedroom. 

He pushed you against the wall, and once the door was closed and secured, he carried you to the bed.

“Careful with my roses” you teased.

“I’ll plant you a whole new garden” 

His body was pressed on yours, both of you working on taking your clothes off. You pushed him making land on his back, straddling him, his naked torso to your bare chest.

“No objection to that” a lopsided grin on his face

You took his hands, touching the fabric of his gloves, your eyes kindly asking for permission. His breath was ragged when he nodded.

Softly, you pulled the fabric from each finger, making them loose enough to pull out the right hand first. His eyes were closed, defeated, ashamed, as you completely removed both gloves. You laid a wet kiss on each one before kissing his palms and then moved to intertwine your fingers to his. They were black and cold, different, for sure, but not worth hiding and definitely better than those stupid gloves.

“Nikolai”

“Mmm” his eyes remained closed, his chest to yours while you sat on his lap.

“touch me”

“I don’t want the darkling’s curse on you.”

“Please”

“Are you not” he swallowed, “disgusted?”

“Not in the slightest”

He finally touched your face, his palm on your cheek felt cold but you leaned to his touch nonetheless.

“Does your night visitator have anything to do with this?”

Nikolai’s head fell forward in shame, “yes”

He remained silent as you pampered his face with kisses, falling back on the bed but now with a defeated aura.

“The darkling turned me into a monster”

“Don’t say that” your head was on his chest, your whole body wrapped on his.

“I wish this was a theatricality, love” You looked at him tenderly. “He literally turned me into a monster, Alina saved me or so I believed, when she destroyed the Fold. But the monster is still in me, it comes back at night sometimes. That is why Zoya chains me to bed every night.”

Your gasp broke his heart in a million pieces.

“That is why I do not sleep with you, I am afraid I might hurt you, kill you, while I am that damned monster.”

You took his hands and guided them to your waist, the cold of his fingers giving you chills. Softly, you left a trail of wet kisses on his ear, his neck, until he undoubtedly lost himself in you again.

The weight of his arm on your waist dulled you to the deepest, coziest sleep you have ever had, until a metallic clac woke you up. There was a slim figure standing on the foot of your bed, as you blinked the darkness away you realized it was Zoya toying with a set of keys. Her beautiful face was pursed, at least she was not enjoying this.

“I am sorry, I must take Nikolai to his rooms.” She whispered.

Nikolai moved next to you, his fingers wrapping on your waist as he laid sleepy kisses on your shoulder. “Mmmm?” He mumbled deep in sleep.

“He is asleep, he won’t turn into a monster tonight.” 

“We do not know that, Your Majesty.”

“Zoya?” Nikolai asked, blinking.

“I will be waiting in your rooms, Nikolai.” She turned to you, “good night, moi tsaritsa.”

“I’ll go with you.” You turned to him.

Your husband got to his feet, buttoning his shirt, “No.”

“Nikolai”

 He kissed your forehead and left. 

***

Nikolai knocked on your door every night for five nights, not a single one you opened.

***

“I know we are not on speaking terms” Nikolai spoke from the other side of the desk where you had spent your afternoon.

You did not look up to him.

“But I have a gift for you.”

You raised your eyes to him, sneering. 

“Ouch”

“A gift does not change anything, Nikolai.”

“I do not expect it to.”

You raised one eyebrow, insting him to continue.

He flexed his fingers and a man carrying a machine entered, placing the machine in front of you. It took you a few minutes to see it: it had … buttons? with the alphabet, although it was not in order. It had two rollers behind the alphabet and a paper sheet in between.

“It is a typing machine” he leaned near you to explain, “you can use this to type the laws instead of writing them down by hand and hurting yourself.”

Your eyes were glued on the machine. “Where did you get it?”

“I built it”

You raised your eyes to him again, but this time they were filled with wonder and admiration. “Thank you.” 

“I don’t want you to get hurt, love” he said looking at the machine, but you knew he wasn’t referring only to it, “everything I do, I do it aiming for that.”

With that, he left the library, leaving you and your typing machine alone.

***

That night he knocked on your door once again, but this time you opened, leaning against the frame, opening just enough for your body to fit.

“Yes, Moi Tsar?” 

“I…” he swallowed, “was wondering if I could join you for a moment?” 

“You can join me for the night or not at all.” 

His eyes closed in annoyance, “love you are taking this too far now”

“Am I? Or am I merely demanding my husband to trust me half as much as he trusts his soldiers?” 

He faced the floor, exasperated. “As much as I hate to say this: they are replaceable. You are not.”

A scoff, “I’ll make you wish I was, Nikolai.”

With that you closed the door on his face.

[something-is-happening-here]

MY MASTERLIST

Grishaverse:

→ Nikolai Lantsov

Nothing to see here... yet

→ Kaz Brekker

Visita al oculista y otros milagros menores

Resumen: Los cuervos no creen lo que ven cuando Kaz aparece en una reunión... con un pequeño cambio. Lo que parece algo trivial revela que alguien ha logrado lo imposible: convencer al Bastardo del Barril de empezar a cuidarse.

Conversaciones de madrugada

Resumen: Tras otra noche de trabajo duro en las partes bajas de Ketterdam, Kaz y T/n necesitan tener una conversación sobre el futuro en la comodidad de la madrugada.

Amigos

Resumen: Kaz y T/n llevan conociéndose desde que eran niños. Desde entonces, su relación se ha ido estrechando a lo largo de los años.

Atraco fallido

Resumen: Un atraco a Pekka Rollins es lo que T/n y Kaz llevaban esperando toda la vida. Una venganza es lo que querían. ¿Pero qué sucede cuando nada sale según lo previsto?

Coquetear con el enemigo

Resumen: En la última reunión de los cuervos para el próximo atraco, pero todavía Kaz no ha desarrollado una parte del plan. Jesper propone una idea sencilla y efectiva, pero Kaz no parece estar muy de acuerdo...

Amenazas florales

Resumen: Cuando Kaz va a hacer un pedido poco común en una pequeña floristería de Ketterdam, no sabía que iba a terminar conociendo a la dependienta de la tienda y, tal vez, arrastrándola al mundo criminal del Barril.

Clase de magia pt. 1

Clase de magia pt. 2

Resumen: Hoy es el día libre de los cuervos y, por ello, es el día perfecto para que T/n lleve a cabo su gran plan: Convencer a Kaz de que le enseñe un truco de magia.

→ Matthias Helvar

Nothing to see here... yet

→ Wylan Van Eck

Visita al zoológico

Resumen: Hoy hace un día estupendo y los cuervos, junto a T/n, han ido de visita al zoológico para pasar el día. Una pregunta extraña de la pequeña desencadena un interrogatorio sobre Wylan que él no sabe cómo responder.

Reglas Solicitudes

Acepto solicitudes de los siguientes personajes: Nikolai Lantsov, Kaz Brekker, Wylan Van Eck, Jesper Fahey, Matthias Helvar, Jason Todd, Din Djarin.

No acepto solicitudes +18, pero me encanta la angustia y las cosas dulces.

[thesuntomyshadows]

Y/N: Please tell me we can stop it.

Wylan: If we can't, we're at the center of the blast radius so we won't feel a thing.

Jesper: Well, that's comforting.

Nikolai: Come on, have a little faith. With a dashing hero like me on the case, how can we fail?

Y/N: He is dashing, you have to give him that.

[that-one-ostrich-friend]

winter fete

nikolai lanatov x reader - winter fete

word count: 650

summary: just a short blurb of nikolai and y/n’s quiet morning before the chaos of the winter fete <3

warnings: manwhore nikolai aka just nikolai

a/n: a little christmas gift to all the nikolai fans

The golden morning light poured into the room, casting a soft glow on the snow-dusted windows and the couple nestled beneath the thick blankets. Y/N was the first to stir, her eyes fluttering open as she stretched lazily against the warmth of Nikolai’s bare chest. His arm tightened instinctively around her, pulling her closer before she could even think of moving.

“You’re awake,” Nikolai murmured, his voice deep and rough with sleep.

“So are you,” she replied, smiling softly as she tipped her head to look at him. His hair was an artful mess, and his sleepy grin made her heart flutter.

“Only because I felt you move. You’re far too distracting to sleep through,” he said, leaning down to brush a kiss against her forehead.

Y/N chuckled and settled back into his embrace. “It’s too early for such flattery, Nikolai.”

“It’s never too early to remind you how stunning you are,” he countered, his hand trailing lazily up and down her back.

They stayed like that for a while, wrapped up in the quiet warmth of the morning. Nikolai’s fingers traced absent patterns along her skin as she sighed contentedly against him.

Eventually, he shifted, reluctantly sitting up. “As much as I’d like to stay in bed all day, I have something for you.”

“For me?” Y/N raised an eyebrow, her curiosity piqued.

He smirked, reaching over to the nightstand where a small velvet box waited. Returning to her side, he opened it with a flourish to reveal a striking ruby necklace nestled in gold.

“Nik…” Her breath hitched as her fingers lightly brushed the pendant.

“It reminded me of you,” he said simply, his voice soft. “Fiery, radiant, impossible to look away from.”

Y/N sat up, allowing him to fasten the necklace around her neck. The ruby sparkled against her skin as his hands lingered at her shoulders. He leaned forward, pressing a kiss to the nape of her neck before pulling back to admire his handiwork.

“It’s beautiful,” she whispered, her fingers resting over the gemstone.

“Not nearly as beautiful as you,” Nikolai replied, his lips finding hers in a slow, deliberate kiss.

Her hands slid into his hair as the kiss deepened, his touch sending warmth flooding through her. When they finally broke apart, Nikolai’s lips wandered to her jawline and down to her neck, his kisses slow and deliberate.

“I should warn you,” Y/N murmured, her voice breathy as he continued kissing along her collarbone. “You’re not the only one with a surprise waiting.”

He paused, his lips hovering just above her skin. “Oh?”

“I have something special for you,” she said, her fingers tracing the line of his jaw. “But you’ll have to wait until tonight.”

Nikolai chuckled, his teeth grazing her skin in playful retaliation. “You’re going to make me suffer through the entire day, aren’t you?”

“Consider it a lesson in patience,” she teased, her fingers toying with the ends of his messy hair.

“You’re wicked,” he murmured against her skin, pressing another kiss just below her ear.

“And yet, you adore me,” she countered with a grin.

His lips curved into a smile against her neck. “More than you know.”

They eventually shifted back into a comfortable embrace, their conversation turning to the evening’s winter fête.

“Are you ready for tonight?” Y/N asked, resting her head against his chest.

“Ready to endure endless small talk and diplomatic niceties?” Nikolai sighed dramatically. “Not particularly.”

“You’ll be brilliant,” she said, running her fingers lightly across his chest. “You always are.”

He tilted her chin up, his gaze warm as he studied her. “As long as you’re by my side, I’ll manage.”

“You know I wouldn’t be anywhere else,” she replied softly.

They stayed wrapped up in each other, the ruby around her neck catching the morning light as the snow continued to fall outside. For now, the world could wait.

[procrastinatingacademic]

Updated Masterlist

Started: 28 February 2025

Last updated: 11 June 2025

Total works: 36

Angst💥; Fluff💫; Suggestive themes🔥

I don't write smut. All fics are 'x Reader' unless stated otherwise. I strive to mostly write gender-neutral Reader-characters, and I don't use Y/N.

DC Comics

The Scarecrow/Dr. Jonathan Crane

Ongoing series - There's nothing to fear when I'm with you (Jonathan x female OC)

Fighting boredom

John Contantine

Ongoing series - Restless: A Constantine/Good Omens Crossover (currently on hiatus)💫🔥(No Reader-character)

The Riddler/Edward Nygma

Starlight is for dancing🔥

Black Mask/Roman Sionis

We were together, I forget the rest💫🔥

The Sandman

The Corinthian

(The lesser of) two evils💥💫🔥

Life is the flower for which love is the honey💥💫

Morpheus/Dream of the Endless

To see a world in a grain of sand (Blind!Reader)

Grishaverse

Kaz Brekker

Stay💫

It is lightning that does the work💥💫

Nikolai Lantsov/Sturmhond

A mother is the truest friend we have💥💫 (Mother Figure!Reader)

Two ships in the night💫

The Hunger Games

Haymitch Abernathy

The Survivors 💥(Haymitch x female OC; slow burn) (Ongoing series)

Criminal Minds

Dr. Spencer Reid

Experience💫

Your song💫

Kidnapped for the vibes💥💫 (UnSub!Spencer Reid)

Interview with the Vampire (2022)

Armand

Would you like to be?💥💫

House of the Dragon

Larys Strong

Darkness shared by two💫🔥

Marvel

Dr. Stephen Strange

A little less awkward💫

Daredevil/Matt Murdock

Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard, are sweeter 💫🔥

Greek Mythology

Apollo

Apollo - Autism💥💫 (No Reader-character)

Hermes

Hermes - Kleptomania💥 (No Reader-character)

Hades

Hades - Separation Anxiety Disorder💥💫 (No Reader-character)

Hypnos

WIP: Hypnos - Narcolepsy

Potterverse

Newt Scamander

Hold me close💥💫

Sirius & Regulus Black

The best way to make children good is to make them happy💥💫 (Parental Figure!Reader)

Supernatural

Lucifer

Wings of snow💫

Eyes of fire🔥

Gabriel

WIP: Run away with me, mon amour

Arcane

Viktor

Memorise you💥💫🔥 (Blind!Reader)

The Witcher (Netflix)

Jaskier

Sing a song only you can hear💫

Untitled WIP

Critical Role/The Legend of Vox Machina

Percival "Percy" de Rolo

While the music lasts💫

Prodigal Son

Malcolm Bright

Shut your eyes and see💥💫 (Blind!Reader)

Sherlock (BBC)

James "Jim" Moriarty

The world is boring for boring people💥💫🔥

Good Omens

Ongoing series - Restless: A Constantine/Good Omens Crossover (currently on hiatus)💫🔥(No Reader-character)

Various

The Three Musketeers (Anderson, 2011)

Aramis/René d'Herblay

Be kind, aim for my heart💫

Le Comte de Monte-Cristo (de La Patellière & Delaporte, 2024)

Edmond Dantès/The Count of Monte Cristo

Count your blessings

Amsterdam

LA by Night/Vampire the Masquerade

Robert Garrick

All your tomorrows start here💫

[atlabeth]

I desperately need you to give me some jealous nikolai lanstov I'm not even jokinh

my love mine all mine

lowkey continuation of bad luck and im with you; can be read standalone though!

pairing: nikolai lantsov x fem reader

summary: after your return to ravka, nikolai's resolve is tested at a ball.

a/n: i have saved this ask since september because i knew one day i would get around to it. i love nikolai lantsov and i dont write jealous fics often so here we go!! this is technically a continuation of bad luck and im with you but you can read it separately. i keep going back to these two for some reason lmao?? idk. theyre childhood friends to lovers with so much strife in between and that's so special to me lmao. but yah enjoy i MISSED WRITING FOR HIM<3

wc: 2.8k

warning(s): nikolai is a lil jealous obviously! small bit of angst, mostly fluff, lil steamy at the end.

Nikolai feels his lip curling, feels his hand tighten on his glass. 

This is a party. A ball, more specifically, but a celebration nonetheless. He should be smiling, mingling, talking up some baron or duke in the name of Ravka’s economy. He is a prince, after all—a bastard, second son of a prince that plans to take the throne at that—and he’s just returned from years at sea. It is in his best interest to do what he does best and talk as much as possible. If anything, he should be arm in arm with the Sun Summoner to boost both their positions. 

But all he can do is stare at you. 

You’re the embodiment of grace. Your practiced smile looks wholly genuine no matter how long you have to keep it up. Your laugh seems to make others smile without even realizing, ringing out clear like church bells. It’s a sound Nikolai knows he would worship to the end of his days, at least. 

You stand in the midst of noblemen and Nikolai only recognizes one—Artem Aslanov, a son of nobles that the two of you spent much of your youth with. He wonders if you remember each other as well. He certainly seems to, the way he stands just a bit too close to you, the way he’s absolutely eager for your attention. Nikolai holds back a scoff. 

The others are likely from various other Ravkan settlements, though one has to be Kaelish, with his almost offensively ginger hair. 

Not that any of it matters, though. Not one of them can tear their eyes away from you as you talk, magnetic with both your words and inherent charm, and they drink up every bit of your presence. 

Something stirs inside Nikolai at the sight. Logically, he knows he has little to worry about—he knows this is your duty as much as it is his, and you care little for any man’s affections but his. 

But Saints, his heart does not want to listen to silly things such as logic. In this moment, Nikolai is reminded of the truth at its barest—you’re a noblewoman of good breeding, quite extravagant wealth, and considerable beauty. Your years at sea have caused you to develop a quick wit and sharp tongue, and it only serves to make you more appealing.

Your flashy return to Ravka has made you perhaps the most desirable lady at court, and Nikolai is forced to realize he no longer has you all to himself anymore. 

Nikolai has planned to come back and take the Lantsov throne for years now, but he can’t help but long for those days again. Teaching you all the ins and outs of the Volkvolny, how to do every sailor’s knot he knows, showing you the misty mountains of the Wandering Isle and the rolling fields of Novyi Zem and the wonderful world outside of Ravka’s courtly constraints. 

Taking over the ships of slavers and clashing blades with drüskelle and watching a thousand sunrises and sunsets together, unbound by anything but tangled up in every part of each other. 

It was almost laughable. You were worried of Nikolai charming others upon your return, and yet here he was, unable to look away from you for even the slightest second because he was jealous of some noble son.

“Your Highness, are you alright?” 

Nikolai turns back to the conversation he is meant to be paying attention to, already offering a smile that he hopes will make up for his utter lack of focus. Of course, he doesn’t really care what this Kerch merchant thinks of him, and Nikolai’s word will probably mean little to his parents at the moment. They’re still quite angry at him for all his Sturmhondish escapades. This man, whose name he has already forgotten, doesn’t seem to know he’s wasting his time. 

“Of course I am,” he says, and he pats him on the shoulder. He means to say more, but then he catches a glance of Artem pulling you to the side, his hand lingering on your waist much too close for comfort. He’s surprised he doesn���t break his glass with how his fingers clench around it even tighter.  

“Then I would be honored for you to consider my—” 

“I apologize, Jansen.” Nikolai ignores the look on his face at both his interruption and being called the wrong name as he drops his hand. “It’s been wonderful chatting with you, but I’m afraid I must take my leave.” 

Nikolai departs before he can get another word out. He’s sure he’ll get an earful later for his ‘disrespect’ but again, he really could not care less. 

He expects to have to weave his way through the crowd, but a path parts for him wherever he moves. Benefits to being a Lantsov prince rather than another privateer on the sea, he supposes. He feels a number of eyes on him as he walks, but he’s focused on one thing and one thing only. 

Artem seems to be as well, seeing as he doesn’t even look up while he continues talking to you. Nikolai doesn’t blame him for being enraptured, but he does wonder what he thinks that boorish smile will do to you. 

Nikolai exclaims your name as he comes up next to you, sliding his arm around your waist like he’s done a thousand times before and claiming his place at your side. “I’ve been looking for you, milaya. You’ve been awfully popular tonight.”

Your gleaming gaze turns to him and Nikolai feels like he can melt. It doesn’t matter how many times you look at him—not even Alina can muster up something to rival your brightness. 

“Nikolai!” 

Again, the way you say his name makes him weak at the knees. The poshness of your Ravkan faded while you were at sea around common sailors and vagrants, and though he can tell you’re trying your best to hide it in the name of courtly etiquette, it still bleeds through. He adores your accent, how it shows the woman you’ve become rather than the girl you ran away from. 

“I’ve been looking for you,” you counter as you lean into him. You’ve applied some fanciful perfume, and it’s intoxicating. He has to stop himself from inhaling deeply—he has little shame when it comes to you, but he’s got to have some poise. “You’re the belle of the ball, Mister Prince.” 

“And you’re the apple of everyone’s eye, lapushka,” he says. “Especially mine.” 

Your heartbeat has been steadily increasing ever since he slotted himself at your side, and he can feel it speed even more with his words. It makes Nikolai smile without even fully realizing it. 

He feels Artem’s gaze on him all the while, and Nikolai chooses to ignore it until now. He looks up, making sure his eyes widen cartoonishly and his smile deepens with the same caliber. “Aslanov! I’m so sorry, I didn’t even notice you!” 

“Your Highness,” he says, polite but terse as he bows his head. “It’s good to see you—it has truly been too long.” 

“Oh, no need for titles,” Nikolai admonishes. “We’re all friends here, are we not?”

He puts particular emphasis on that word, and Artem shifts ever so slightly under Nikolai’s gaze. So he makes him nervous—good. 

“We are,” he agrees, and he looks back at you. “We were merely catching up—it has been years since I last had the good fortune to be in your presence.” Artem smiles at you once again, far more genuine than anything he’s given Nikolai. “Of course, I look forward to hearing about everything you learned at university.” 

“I’ve certainly learned a lot,” you say. Very tongue-in-cheek—you don’t even try to hide it. 

Of course. The cover story for Nikolai’s being away from court was his apprenticeships, culminating in his studies at the University of Ketterdam—it would be a shame of the highest order for your parents to admit you ran away to avoid the marriage they’d planned for you, and even more so to admit it had gotten their daughter kidnapped by slavers, so they simply said you joined him there. 

Advancing your studies for a better view, they’d spouted. We want our heir to be well-educated on all matters of the world. Nikolai knows you learned more on the seas by his side than you would have in a classroom staring at endless amounts of books. He only regrets he can’t shout how amazing you’ve been for the past few years from the rooftops. 

“Perhaps we could discuss it privately some time.” Nikolai will give it to him; his smile is a bit more charming this time. He still wants to punch it off him. “You know, my family has only refined our winemaking over the years—we’d have a wonderful time with a bottle of our finest red—”

“Unfortunately, it will have to wait,” Nikolai cuts in before you can respond. He can’t help it—he’s raring to have you to himself, and he doesn’t know how much more he can take of Artem’s flirting. “My parents are eager to speak to you, darling. We’ll see you around, Aslanov.” 

He pulls you away, once again feeling Artem’s eyes on the two of you. He purposefully pulls you closer against him—your warmth against him does wonders to quell the spike of jealousy in his chest.

“You really are impossible,” you say wryly, but you make no move to part from his side as he leads you through the crowd. 

“I’m just making sure he understands the situation,” Nikolai says innocently. 

“We were just talking,” you say. “You know, it has been years.”

“You were,” he agrees. “But our friend here was very interested in trying to be more. Couldn’t you tell?”

You laugh and you place your hand on his chest. “Nikolai Lantsov, are you jealous?”

“He was talking about his family’s vineyard.” He smiles back at you in turn. He can’t help the bit of bravado that trickles in. “For me to be jealous, I’d have to think he had a chance.”

“Saints, you are!” you exclaim. You stop, halting him in turn, and you grin at him with a twinkle in your eye. Again, he smiles subconsciously just at the sight of it. “Nikolai, I cannot believe you!” 

“How?” he asks, cocking his head boyishly. “Have you caught a glimpse of yourself tonight?”

“I’ve looked at myself in the reflection of every glass,” you say dryly. “After all the time spent in sea-faring clothes, it’s very strange to be back in gowns.”

“Then you should know how absolutely stunning you are,” he says. “Breathtaking, showstopping, the very image of perfection…” Nikolai runs his finger over the embroidery on one of your off-the-shoulder sleeves. The rest of his hand lingers on your bare skin, and he longs to remove the barrier his gloves have created. 

“And yet it still doesn’t beat how you look in a privateer’s garb,” Nikolai says. 

He places his hand over yours and brings it up from his chest. He entangles your fingers and uses the grasp to pull you even closer to him, your chests nearly touching. The warmth of your body tempts him to go even further, but he holds back. 

“Really?” you ask. “This gown cost more vlachkas than anyone deserves, took the labor of a small army to create, and weighs as much as you do, and you like me more in that dingy jacket with pants that smell like gunpowder?” 

“Oh, yes,” Nikolai nods. “They don’t just smell like gunpowder—they make your rear look very appealing.” 

You laugh louder than you should and it draws eyes in your direction. You don’t pay them any mind, gaze still locked on Nikolai, as you hit him on the chest. 

“You still have the mind of a sailor, I see,” you drawl. “But I must admit I also miss it. The simplicity, if anything.” 

“Just because I didn’t keep a king’s mantle on deck doesn’t mean I wasn’t outfitted in the same gaudy way,” Nikolai says. “A Lantsov must always be prepared, you know.” 

“Well, I used to hate that blue frock of yours, especially when we first reunited,” you muse. You extract your hand and trail your fingers down his current coat—he shivers at your touch even through the material. “Now I think I prefer it over anything else in your wardrobe.”

He frowns. “You hated my coat?” 

“I hated a lot of things at the time,” you say wryly. Your hand finds its way back to his and you intertwine them together again. “Besides, it’s grown on me.” 

Nikolai chuckles, and the two of you fall silent when you shift and rest your head on his shoulder. You’ve managed to find your way to the edge of the ballroom, and it gives you a little more privacy. You stand together, watching as everyone mingles, half bearing a fake smile and the other half lying through their teeth. He didn’t think the Ravkan court would like to think they had more in common with his lying, cheating, stealing crew than they thought.  

“So,” Nikolai says, finally breaking the silence, “is being back everything you’ve imagined?”

You huff. “Hardly. Everything is so… restrained.” 

He hums in acknowledgement. “Speaking of restrained, have your parents gotten over their fit yet?” 

Your laugh is sharper this time. “Once again, hardly. You’d think I murdered the queen the way they’re treating me.” 

Nikolai expected that, to be honest. He insisted on being by your side in the initial reunion and they didn’t dare act out of turn in front of royalty, but you said the moment you returned to your palace apartment with them, they yelled at you loud enough to be heard in Novyi Zem. 

“They should be thankful,” Nikolai scoffs. “It’s like they don’t even care what nearly happened to you because of their haste to marry you off.” 

“I don’t even like to think about it,” you murmur. He feels you shiver and he pulls you even closer to him. “But I was right—they want me to be who I was before I left. They’re even convinced that they can get me to agree to the marriage they’ve got planned.” 

His frown deepens. “Saints, must I sweep you off your feet in front of all of Ravka to get everyone to realize you’re a taken woman? I am a very good shot, but I’ve only got so many bullets—”

“Nikolai,” you interrupt with a laugh, raising your head to look him in the eye. He’s glad to see the lightness has returned. Your near fate isn’t a subject either of you like to talk about. “You don’t need to worry, and you certainly don’t need to worry about that.” You cup his cheek with your hand and he leans into your touch. “If one thing has stayed the same through all of this, it’s that you’re the only one out there for me. After all the pomp and circumstance you have to perform with Alina is over, you can tell them yourself.” 

“Good,” Nikolai says with a slight smile. “Because I don’t think I can stand to hear Aslanov talk about the grapes his family’s been growing for another second.” 

You laugh again, and you lean in to press a kiss to his lips. Nikolai beats you to it as he covers your hand with his own, using his other to draw you even closer. Practically every part of you is touching as he kisses you like a starving man, with your lips against his and your perfume invading his senses and your soft moan that’s muffled against his mouth. After a night spent away from your side and having to watch other men compete fruitlessly for your affections, he might as well be. 

When you finally pull away, lipstick a mess and pupils dilated and expression nothing less than adoration, it takes everything Nikolai has in him not to take your face in his hands and do it all over again. He wants to mess up your hair, your makeup, kiss your lips until they’re swollen and ravish, worship your body until you can think of nothing but him, say nothing but his name. 

“Nikolai,” you gasp, interrupting his sinful thoughts, “do you want to get out of here for a bit?” 

Whatever restraint he previously had dissolves with your words as he kisses you again, harder this time. You’re water when he’s dying, a lifeboat when he’s drowning, the very air he needs to breathe. Everything has come to a head after such a boring, strength-testing night, and all Nikolai wants is you. 

He brings you even closer with the arm he has around your waist, already starting to pull you along as he heads towards the doorways. He’s sure to stick to the walls, not wanting to draw more attention than necessary when even the flushed warmth of your heated skin through his jacket is enough to drive him crazy. 

Nikolai doesn’t know how he ever spent seven years away from you. He could barely handle half a ball. 

“More than anything,” he breathes. 

[littlest-w01f]

KINKTOBER MASTERLIST

MAIN MASTERLIST

Happy Kinktober everyone! Enjoy <3 (not posting in order)

Heart (Autassassinophilia with Rheana (Oc) x Eris)

Summary: Rheana is jealous watching Eris charm a court female, she sets out to make sure he knows who his heart belongs to.

Shifter (Futanari with Feyre x Reader, Rhysand mentioned) pt 2 of Rita's

Summary: After taking you home, Feyre has more fun with you

Naughty kitten (Pet play with Sylus x Reader)

Summary: Sending a pic of yourself laying in Sylus' bed half naked to him gets you in trouble when he gets home earlier than planned.

Dark (Shadow play with The Darkling x Reader)

Summary: The Darkling uses a merzost creature to take care of you after an intense training session. Using you as practice for the magic.

Birchin (Gangbang with Cazriel x Elsie (Oc) x Feysand)

Summary: Elsie and Feyre get invited to join their mates in the birchin on their annual Winter Solstice traditions.

Cold (Temperature play with Zayne x Reader)

Summary: After suffering from a little heatstroke, Zayne takes on the responsibility of cooling you down.

Firsts (Parthenophillia with Tamsand x Reader)

Summary: You and Rhysand teach Tamlin how to give and receive pleasure.

Demonic (Monsterfucking with Sylus x Reader)

Summary: After hearing what the common folk of the N109 zone think Sylus truly looks like, you didn't believe them, then, you took him up on his offer to take his brooch the easier way.

Moonlight (Spectrophilia with Azriel x Reader)

Summary: No one sees him, no one feels him but you, and your mate is quite a jealous male over those who you can see

Sharing (Free Use with Cassian x Fia (Oc), Nesta mentioned, Feysand's partner)

Summary: While her partners are busy, Fia knocked on Cassian and Nesta's door for company, Cassian answered.

Ease (Blood play with Rafayel x Reader)

Summary: Missing his bodyguard, Rafayel decides to visit you and ends up comforting you through your cramps.

Shaken (Overstimulation with Stermhond x Reader)

Summary: Being unable to sleep at night on the Volkvolny, the Stermhond provides you with the perfect distraction.

Session (Role play with Zayne x Reader)

Summary: Your appointment with your doctor.

Ruined (Femdom with Rafayel x Reader)

Summary: Gem Affection Au, having a little peace and quiet with Rafayel after a long day socialising

Clubs (Triple penetration with Batboys x Reader)

Summary: Morden AU, working in a strip club, you got your fair share of customers who offered you payment for vip services even when you never did, until you finally chose to.

As you all can see, I did not post it soon... But still, here it is :)

Please comment to be added to the taglist <3

[ell0ra-br3kk3r-writes]

Where the Wild Things Bloom

pairing: nikolai lantsov x fem!reader

genre: fluff

requested? yes

nikolai lantsov masterlist

The first time Nikolai saw her, she was barefoot in the royal gardens, chasing a butterfly.

It wasn’t particularly graceful. Her hem was muddy. Her braid had half fallen out. She nearly tripped over a lavender bush trying to catch the thing, and when she did, she burst into a laugh so loud the sparrows scattered from the hedges.

And she was supposed to marry him.

Saints.

“Are you sure that’s her?” Nikolai muttered to Tamar beside him, squinting down from the terrace. “Maybe there was a mix-up.”

“That’s her,” Tamar said. “Lady Y/N of House V/N. Third daughter. Excellent bloodline. Apparently not fond of shoes.”

He blinked. “Right.”

~

Their first official meeting was less dramatic.

She was clean this time. Sitting stiffly on the edge of a velvet chair in the golden parlor, hands folded over the plain cotton of her dress. Not a court gown. No embroidery. No frills.

Just soft blue fabric and nervous eyes.

She looked terrified.

“Lady Y/N,” Nikolai greeted smoothly, bowing. “It’s a pleasure.”

She stood and curtsied — nearly stumbled — then righted herself and cleared her throat.

“Sorry,” she said. “These floors are very polished.”

He blinked, then grinned. “Deadly, aren’t they?”

And she smiled. Just a little.

He felt it all the way in his ribs.

~

She didn’t belong in the court. Not really.

She forgot appointments, wandered off during briefings, and once snuck past three guards just to sit alone in the stables with a grumpy mare named Fig. She wrote poetry in the margins of political scrolls and fed cake crumbs to birds from the window of the royal library.

She was supposed to become queen of Ravka.

And Nikolai had never wanted anyone more.

~

He found her one morning half-asleep beneath a willow tree, sunlight dappling across her face. Her shoes were beside her in the grass. There was a book on her lap and petals in her hair.

“You know,” he said softly, “you do have a room inside the palace.”

She opened one eye, then smiled at the sight of him. “Doesn’t smell like roses in there.”

Nikolai sat beside her. Close, but not too close. She didn’t flinch. That felt like a victory.

“You’ll be expected to spend more time indoors once you’re queen.”

She hummed. “I suppose I’ll have to get good at pretending.”

His chest ached.

“You don’t have to pretend with me,” he said before he could stop himself.

She looked at him then, properly. “No?”

He shook his head. “I’d prefer if you didn’t.”

~

It was strange, falling in love with someone you barely knew.

But with her, it felt inevitable.

She was never where she was supposed to be — which meant Nikolai kept looking for her.

In the kitchens, stealing pastries with a wink. On the rooftops, arms out like wings. In the gardens, face tilted to the sky.

He watched her twirl through the world like no one had told her she couldn’t.

And he fell.

Hard.

~

He told her on a rainy afternoon, two weeks before the wedding.

They were in the old greenhouse — her favorite — surrounded by lemon trees and ivy. She was trying to make a baby fern grow from a clippings pot.

“You know,” he said gently, “I thought I would hate being married off to a stranger.”

She looked up. “Me too.”

“And now I find myself…” he hesitated, heart pounding, “…hoping the stranger will love me back.”

She stared. “You’re not a stranger anymore, Nikolai.”

“No?”

She smiled. “You’re my favorite part of this whole arrangement.”

He exhaled shakily. “Good. Because I think I’m a little in love with you.”

Her hands were cold when they cupped his face, but her kiss was warm and unhurried.

So was the “I think I’m a little in love with you too” that followed.

~

The court was scandalized when the future queen insisted on holding the royal wedding in the gardens.

Nikolai just smiled and said, “Let her have her roses.”

He’d fallen in love with her in the dirt.

He was happy to marry her there too.