#qctually true | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

somedaypast-thesunset · 7 years ago

Text

Today was terrible so at least tomorrow is automatically better than this.

It was sooo dramatic and tomorrow is my dad's birthday which means nothing but for some reason everything at the same time. Did I make it more dramatic?

He told me I was insecure. That I was putting all my insecurities on him. I realized I had no benefit to essentially uphold a lie about medication and realized I have a choice to stand the way I do and be confident in my knowledge that the system I currently have access to doesn't work. So here I am.

I realize there's a choice to make - I can work really hard and pretend none of this bothers me because that's what other people expect or I can live with being moderately alone because I chose to see and feel my reality for what it is right now. I'm tired of fighting what other people think I should do and it goes into my head and it changes my opinion about myself because I think I should be different. That I should get over it. But perhaps he's an example of why it's perfectly okay to be going absolutely crazy. Through all attempts at normality mortality really gets you.

I saw Jared today and unleashed all my feelings towards him and asked my roommate who has been a threat to my friends and I to scare him and he did - right away. I could've let Jared go. I could've. But he looked at me and I hate him. I wanted to fuck up his day on behalf of every man that fucked me.

My roommate said he was stupidly remorseful like he was still into me and wanted to get this over with and I hate him so much.

His friend is super into me and thissounds crazy right like here's all these men who are chasing me and playing me but I'm not even out there. He said he asked my roommate if he could ask me on a date and he said no which is fine because I don't like him but I know he likes me and he's really nice so I don't want to make it awkward even though he brought it up. He then asked me if it was nice having all these men chasing me.

I said no. None of these men are interested in my life and I am really wrapped up in my own life so if you're not dedicated to my life, I have no interest in you at all.

So why am I "with him"? Am I? Why is this a thing? He's not interested at all. He could really care less because he is wrapped up in his life and I have to be dedicated to his in order to be apart of it. Is it an unhealthy escape from my own life? I mean, I love him. Right? Maybe honestly I don't even know what love is and I'm just saying these words because it's what you do.

But I think I love him. I think about him alot. But he's right too - my love is selfish and I want what I want. I want to be fulfilled by my own giving of love because I feel so empty.

I knowwwww I need to love myself. And it's stupidly true, if you can't love yourself how can you love someone else? How can you really know love and it's ways and what love is to you unless you give your love to yourself first so when you give it to someone else you know it's a solid, not harmful kind of love.

I know I need to do alot of things better. There's some things I qctually think are okay if I was smarter about it. Like my diet - I believe in fasting as an overall diet but I need to fast in ways that are even more beneficial as well as increase my water intake and break the fast with nutritious and whole meals. I'm not going to do this over night and I'm broke so I'm fucked and I don't hate myself enough to go to a food bank yet. But I need to be craftier and accept a moral grey area to better my survival.

I believe in bloodletting. And I think this is the harder one to accept and control but if I did I would be a better person but no one would be okay with this.

After years of self harm, this is a release of endorphins specific to this act. It's not like exercising. It's very specific to the control and danger of cutting the skin and excessively it's fucked. It's unhealthy and not a good coping mechanism. But if I were to do it monthly or bimonthly in a very specific way I think it could be a personal ritualistic release. Literally releasing the toxins as I feel like better for days after. Like everything builds to that and then I can breathe. This is who I am.

I'm not taking medication. I wasn't bu5 I'm not in the future. I'm done. I absolutely need to find my own way and I know this based on my entire life where I should've done it my own way.

I don't need therapy. To begin with, I need impulse control. To love myself.. Would I be as impulsive to someone else? Would I constantly drag them down and accept thoughts of death and despair? No. I would do whatever to help them in the moment. I would joke. I would show them music or give them a cat to hug. We would go for a walk. We would play a game. I may not want to do any of these things but I would because this is truly all life is. And it's true everyone will feel this way at some point and they too will realize this is all life is and someone has shown them a piece of what is good out there and how to make something out of the time we have on this planet. And people have shown me this but I have r3fused to accept it and no longer care about these good things because depression doesnt make it easy to love yourself and loving yourself is showing yourself these things everyday until it's beautiful again.

I don't need him at all. I would like to share a life with him but we're both so sick that it's sad. I struggle on how to maintain a connection with him. Period. I probably will until either of us find a place of mental stability. That struggle has led to major self doubt and perhaps insecurities to some degree. But I've placed myself in a really deep and convoluted scenario which the best option is to just walk away. I know that my lastcmessage will be used as an excuse - that I was pushing at it more or something. But I selfishly releas3d myself from my own lie. It looks like placating but soon I won't have to use therapy either. Maybe it won't even matter.

Tomorrow will be okay. Better than today. I'm going to love myself from the moment I wake up.

0 notes