#revisiting TMS

[emotionallychargedtowel]

Revisiting To My Star: If it’s hard for you (season 1, episodes 7, 8, & 9)

Past posts in this series:

Revisiting To My Star: A pursuer meets a distancer (season 1, episodes 1 & 2)

Revisiting To My Star: It's really hard to meet someone who's fun to be around (season 1, episodes 3 & 4)

Revisiting To My Star: This is considered flirting (season 1, episodes 5 & 6)

Also useful here:

My overview post about pursuer and distancer roles in relationships and how they relate to BL pairs

Well, I’ve reached the end of To My Star’s first season. Slowing down to write about it and discuss episodes with @my-rose-tinted-glasses and others it has definitely been worthwhile. I’ve noticed so many new things and gained a lot of perspective on things I was already aware of. 

As in my last post, I’m going to summarize the episodes I’m covering here for folks who could use a refresher and to help me restrain myself from summarizing elsewhere. If you already know these episodes well, feel free to skip past this bit. 

Episode 7: We see the rest of the confession scene that started in episode 6, Seo Joon confronts the supposed friend with whom he was involved in the scandal incident and decides to release the CCTV video from that night to the press, Hyung Ki starts to suggest to Ji Woo that they blackmail Seo Joon together (using a photo of him about to kiss Ji Woo during the “picnic” from episode 5), and Ji Woo goes home, packs a bag, and rejects Seo Joon horribly inside of a literal closet. 

Episode 8: The rest of the conversation between Hyung Ki and Ji Woo is shown. We also see that after Ji Woo said those hurtful things to Seo Joon, he told Pil Hyun he was moving out and left. A journalist comes to the door and tells Seo Joon about the photo of him and Ji Woo and apologizes for taking it and sharing it with Hyung Ki. Ji Woo meets with Hyung Ki to try to pay him off himself, but then Seo Joon joins them, pays Hyung Ki the blackmail money, and asks Ji Woo to come home with him. At first Ji Woo pushes Seo Joon away again, and Seo Joon almost leaves, but he comes back and tells Ji Woo he suspects that he returns his feelings. “If it’s hard for you, I’ll go to you,” he tells a crying Ji Woo, then he strides over and kisses him. 

Episode 9: Seo Joon and Ji Woo are together! Hyung Ki has a final meeting with Ji Woo in which, not for the first time, he insults him and admits he has feelings for him at the same time. He says he’ll pay the money back eventually. Various people express their disapproval of Hyung Ki for good measure. Aside from that, this episode is just a lovely ball of fluff with references to various events leading up to their relationship and ending with a truly sublime intimate scene. 

Overview

Episodes 7 and 8 represent a shift from capturing relatively subtle relationship developments to being more plot-driven and portraying more dramatic moments in the central relationship. The main way in which the more plot-heavy storylines (the resolution of Seo Joon’s scandal and Hyung Ki's blackmail plot) end up mattering for the relationship story is that they give Ji Woo and Seo Joon reasons to face challenges together and position them in opposition to other characters, both of which reinforce their bond. The other characters also sometimes act as foils that point out important things about the connection between them. Then we get to enjoy the finale, which is about 80% fluff. But just because the relationship stuff in episode 9 is fluffy doesn’t mean it doesn’t also reveal quite a few things about the characters and how they relate to each other. 

Before we get into what happens with Seo Joon and Ji Woo in these episodes and what it tells us about their relationship, their personalities, and their habitual ways of behaving in relationships, let’s cover what happens with the green shoe person, Yang In Woo, and Hyung Ki. That way, we can end on a more positive, relationship-focused note. 

Something bad happened

First, we find out who the green shoes belonged to! Her name is Seo Yeon and she works for a company called Vaspatch U.S.A. She took the photo of Seo Joon and Ji Woo and shared it with Hyung Ki, but at least she came to tell Seo Joon and apologized afterward. Oh, and she went to the restaurant to cuss out Hyung Ki in English, and he responds in kind. I usually enjoy out-of-nowhere English in a kdrama, especially if it involves profanity. Hyung Ki really has it coming, too. So I always enjoy that scene. 

You already have everything

In episode 7, Seo Joon invites Yang In Woo, the friend who was involved in the incident with him that led to his scandal, over to talk. He’s full of bluster at first, then tries to convince Seo Joon that he should let him lie about what happened to make himself look better because, well, Seo Joon has had a good career and In Woo hasn’t and he basically feels like it’s his turn and Seo Joon should “share” with him. Seo Joon isn’t OK with this, and he’s really firm with In Woo in a way. But he still offers to compromise and say they had a mutual fight. This is probably, at least in part, a concession so that he can avoid releasing the CCTV recording in which he has a visible panic attack. But it’s also an attempt to compromise with someone he always thought was his friend. When In Woo won’t even make that much of a concession, he calls and tells someone—my guess is it’s Yoon Seul, but it could be Pil Hyun or someone else from the management office—to release the recording. Just in case we had any doubt that he was a total dick, In Woo then tries to trigger Seo Joon’s panic disorder by jostling the table, causing glass stuff to rattle together. 

There is something you could say in In Woo’s favor, though. When the recording gets released, we finally get to see what happened. In Woo started a fight with other patrons at the restaurant, causing some glass to break which in turn triggers Seo Joon to have a panic attack. Most of the details are damning for In Woo, except for one. Before the fight, the other patrons are talking shit about someone, saying that this famous person isn’t so great in person. Given how much more famous Seo Joon is than In Woo, it seems pretty certain that they were talking about him. Seo Joon asked In Woo not to cause a scene, and he didn’t listen. The incident is still clearly his fault. But at least we know that he was protective enough of Seo Joon at one time to want to fight three strangers for badmouthing him. 

This situation implies some interesting things about Seo Joon. He tells In Woo, “I…saw you as a better person than you really are.” Perhaps Seo Joon has a tendency to idealize the people he’s close to. It would be consistent with how much he values relationships and needs to have people around him. He’s also pretty soft-hearted when it comes to those he cares about, so it’s helpful to him that In Woo continues to behave in such a shitty manner. When he refuses to compromise, he says, “It’s a relief. You’re bad til the end.” If In Woo had been less of an asshole, he might have been tempted to compromise with him or felt guilty for not doing so. But In Woo did him a sort of unintentional favor by being so selfish and intransigent. Now Seo Joon doesn’t have to feel conflicted. 

Let’s also live a little easier

Hyung Ki has mostly just been pining at Ji Woo up to this point. While it’s easy to find him annoying, as characters often are when we’re waiting for a couple to get together and this other person has the audacity to be in love with one of them, he hasn’t done anything wrong as far as we can tell (despite some mysterious hints). Well, in the last part of the series, Hyung Ki shows his true colors, and they aren’t pretty. 

When Hyung Ki finally tries to open up to Ji Woo, three things come out. 1) He has feelings for Ji Woo, 2) he’s very conscious of having more status than Ji Woo and it bothers him that Ji Woo doesn’t seem to feel insecure about this, and 3) he realizes that he has ridden on Ji Woo’s coattails because, well, Ji Woo has more talent as a chef than he does. Let’s drill down on these a bit. 

First, let’s talk about Hyung Ki’s feelings for Ji Woo. Hyung Ki seems like he’s been pining for Ji Woo in silence for quite some time—possibly for years. When Pil Hyun asked about Ji Woo’s current restaurant, he asked if he was working with “the same guy from the other restaurant.” It seems like they’ve been coworkers, at the very least, for a good while. Hyung Ki doesn’t quite come out and say that he has feelings for Ji Woo, but he makes it quite clear. When he first suggests they blackmail Seo Joon to save the restaurant from going under, he puts his hand on Ji Woo’s and says, “Ji Woo, you’ve known me for longer. Him, he doesn’t really matter to you…right?” He’s so pathetic in that moment that out of context, it might be tempting to root for him. When Ji Woo comes to get his things and say goodbye for good, Hyung Ki pauses and says in a small, subdued voice, “I just wanted to be close with you.” Like so many characters in media, he was complacent about the person he liked and then, when a rival showed up, he suddenly felt more urgency. But it was too late, the competition was too stiff, and given the next item on the list, maybe he’s been treating Ji Woo in a low-key shitty way for too long. 

It’s too bad Hyung Ki can’t just tell Ji Woo about his feelings directly and leave it at that. It would be best if he would, even if Ji Woo doesn’t feel the same way. But Hyung Ki seems to feel compelled to throw in the second item on the list: he’s very conscious of having more status than Ji Woo, but Ji Woo doesn’t show deference or seem to doubt himself in relation to Hyung Ki, and that bothers him. Hyung Ki isn’t actually better than Ji Woo in any way. But Hyung Ki seems to have bought into some cultural ideas about status to a great extent—possibly because if being rich and having a fancy education make you superior, that makes him superior to most people. We know that Ji Woo is actually incredibly self-conscious about things like being on his own without a family, but it doesn’t seem like Hyung Ki gets to see that side of him, perhaps because he doesn’t trust him enough to show it. Hyung Ki has a kind of rage about Ji Woo’s apparent lack of regard for his status that seems to have been festering and seething under the surface for some time, and finally comes to the surface given the strain of his family’s bankruptcy and his jealousy about Ji Woo’s growing bond with Seo Joon. 

Hyung Ki also seems to realize, and even occasionally admits, that Ji Woo is actually the superior chef between the two of them. Not only that, but much of the praise and status Hyung Ki has gained from the restaurant is really due to Ji Woo’s talents, and he’s very aware of that as well. When other people say he’s better than Ji Woo because he studied in Italy and so forth, he tries to protest (politely), but he doesn’t really stand up to them. When he admits that Ji Woo was the one who came up with their menu, it doesn’t sound like it’s something he usually acknowledges out loud. It seems like Hyung Ki doesn’t like taking credit for Ji Woo’s work or being touted as better than him while knowing the opposite is true. But he still has his status-conscious side, which might explain why he tolerates it as much as he does. That same part of him seems to resent Ji Woo for being so talented, too. 

When Ji Woo refuses to take part in his blackmail plan, Hyung Ki voices his contempt for Ji Woo in really insulting terms before calming down enough to make an indirect confession and a plea for Ji Woo to stay by his side and abandon Seo Joon. (He doesn’t seem to notice how weird it is to switch so abruptly from one to the other.) Hyung Ki references the fact that Ji Woo came up with all of their recipes, but only to try to convince him to try to keep the restaurant going instead of having to start over at another restaurant. Later, when Ji Woo comes to take his leave and proposes that they could “go back to how things were,” Hyung Ki voices all three of these feelings/sets of beliefs. Both times, Hyung Ki didn’t have any hope of getting Ji Woo to choose him instead of Seo Joon. But they could have remained on good terms and Hyung Ki wouldn’t have dug himself even deeper into a bitter, entitled hole if he had just talked about how he felt about Ji Woo, refrained from openly disrespecting him, and made the slightest gesture toward making amends. 

It’s no wonder Ji Woo couldn’t return Hyung Ki’s feelings. Those feelings were too tainted by resentment and contempt to lead to anything real. Seo Joon, in contrast, has an even greater kind of status as a celebrity, along with more money, but has never held it over Ji Woo’s head…well, he did hold his wealth over his head a bit when they first met, generally in response to a perceived slight. But he hasn’t done it once since they really started to bond. Hyung Ki’s faults help to highlight one of Seo Joon’s strengths. 

One thing that really stood out to me about Hyung Ki is the way he responds when Ji Woo isn’t willing to blackmail Seo Joon with him. At this point, Ji Woo still can’t believe Hyung Ki is actually considering doing something so repulsive. He says things like, “Are you saying this sincerely?” and, “You’re not being serious, right?” He sincerely thought that Hyung Ki was better than this. If Hyung Ki were looking at things more clearly, he’d see that this is actually a sign that Ji Woo thinks well of him—or at least, that he used to. But the chip on his shoulder and his defensiveness about the fact that he really is the kind of person who would do such a terrible thing makes him look at it in a distorted way. “You’re making me look like trash,” he says with a creepy smile on his face. Of course, Ji Woo didn’t really do that. Hyung Ki made himself look that way by acting like trash. Now Ji Woo is holding a mirror up to him through his reaction, so Hyung Ki is lashing out at him. It takes a certain kind of self-centered person to be so indignant when someone points out that they’re doing harm—to act wounded by the fact that someone has pointed out the way they’re wounding others. 

When I’m with you, I feel like I’ll be put in danger

Right up until the point where they finally get together, Ji Woo’s avoidant/dismissing attachment and distancer tendencies act as barriers to his getting together with Seo Joon. Thankfully, by the end, they’re able to overcome his fears together. 

Episode 6 cut off the confession scene at the point where Seo Joon says, “I’m even more certain as I face you. I’m not joking. I want to kiss you even when I’m not drunk. Let’s date.” The scene picks back up in episode 7 with Ji Woo’s reaction. Until you have a moment to think about it, his response seems out of left field. “Do you pity me?” he asks Seo Joon. “Do you pity me because I don’t have anything and live off people? You heard from Kim Pil Hyun. You’re the same as everyone else. Just because I’m struggling to meet ends…by myself! You’re pitying me.” 

This is such an inaccurate guess as to be a kind of non sequitur. Seo Joon has never shown any sign of seeing Ji Woo differently because his family isn’t around anymore, or of looking down on him in any way. Anyway, pretending to be in love with someone because you pitied them in such a way would be bizarre. But Ji Woo isn’t saying this because he believes it on a rational level. He’s saying it because Seo Joon’s earnest confession is scaring the crap out of him, and it’s matching up in his mind with one of his other biggest fears when it comes to his relationships—a fear so big that it’s an integral part of why he’s afraid to let others in in the way Seo Joon is urging him to in that moment. In other words, Ji Woo is afraid of intimacy in general, and part of that is because he’s afraid that if he gets close to other people, they’ll turn out to pity him—or look down on him, or eventually reject him—because of the losses he’s suffered, his isolation, or his lack of resources. That fear is activated in that moment, along with related ones, and it becomes something he can throw at Seo Joon to push him away. 

Seo Joon may not grasp all of this, but he can see that Ji Woo is emotionally dysregulated in a big way, and he knows that his confession caused it, no matter how well-intentioned it was. He’s particularly culpable since he persisted when Ji Woo had already given him signals to back off, even if his justifications in those moments were as flimsy as this one. So he apologizes. He hugs Ji Woo, even though he tries to throw him off, and says in a quiet voice, “You know that’s not true. You know very well….I only thought of myself. I’m sorry. I won’t do it again.” Ji Woo relaxes in his arms and stays in the hug for a while, and the scene cuts off. He hasn’t responded favorably to Seo Joon’s confession, but after that first attempt at resistance, he has at least responded to the way he’s holding him. 

I’ve never really settled on what I think about Seo Joon’s apology until now, but in light of this rewatch and the more detailed examination of the story I’ve been doing during it, I think I get it. Or at least, I have an interpretation that makes sense to me. 

Seo Joon starts by denying what Ji Woo said, with good reason. I like that he tells Ji Woo that he already knows it isn’t true. I’m sure he does know that, at least on some level. Seo Joon isn’t wasting time trying to protest or prove Ji Woo wrong here. He trusts that Ji Woo gets it already, he just needs to calm down and give it a moment’s thought. Then he says, “I only thought of myself.” It’s true that while we always hope that telling someone we like them will make them happy, and there’s an extent to which it could be viewed as a kind of compliment, it’s also generally something we do because we want something (even if all we’re hoping for is just not to have bottle up our feelings any longer). I think Seo Joon gets this. But I also wonder if he’s more prone to apologize after something like this because his own relationship baggage makes him worry that expressing his feelings to others will be burdensome to them. Either way, all of this adds up to Seo Joon being sorry. Then he says, “I won’t do it again.” If he means he won’t declare his feelings to Ji Woo again, this is an obvious lie. But it’s also possible that he means that he won’t do it in the same persistent way after seeing signs that Ji Woo can’t handle it. 

The next time Ji Woo hurts Seo Joon, he’s intentionally pushing him away and his reason, at least in part, is trying to protect Seo Joon from Hyung Ki’s blackmail attempt. It isn’t much of a stretch for him to act the part, though, since he’s been pushing Seo Joon away all along, and it’s not as if his fears on that front have been allayed. Ji Woo’s first attempt at pushing Seo Joon away seems a bit on the calculated side. “W: Thinking about things…it was disgusting,” he says. A stunned Seo Joon just says, “What?” “Everything that happened between us,” Ji Woo replies. “Thinking about it made me feel disgusted.” On an emotional level, this seems like Ji Woo trying to get things over with by coming at Seo Joon hard with a deeply hurtful comment and, metaphorically speaking, taking him out at the knees. Why is this such a cruel thing to say? Mostly because it sounds homophobic, so it’s bound to hit Seo Joon right where it hurts. Telling someone you have feelings for them and having them react with homophobic disgust is a total nightmare scenario for queer people. It’s also cruel because, well, having the person you’re in love with to find you repulsive is especially painful no matter what their reasons might be. My guess is that Ji Woo is talking this way because he thinks that it’ll be easier for both of them if it’s over quickly. It does work, for a moment. Seo Joon usually has a comeback for everything, but these words hit him hard enough that he just stands there, reeling, for a few seconds. But Seo Joon is persistent enough, and sufficiently convinced that Ji Woo returns his feelings, that this isn’t enough to completely discourage him. He suspects, correctly, that this is about something else, because it represents such a big shift from what he’s heard from Ji Woo before. 

So Ji Woo tries again and takes a different tack, and in the process, he says something really telling. “When I’m with you,” he says, “I feel like I’ll be put in danger.” I think this statement is a lot more honest than the first. It’s not hard to see why. Ji Woo has been responding to Seo Joon’s overtures in ways that betray his fear of intimacy for a while now. When Seo Joon does things that make him start to feel close to him or that tempt him to let him get even closer, this really does feel dangerous to Ji Woo. The irony is that the more Seo Joon makes Ji Woo feel safe, the more he poses a “risk” in this way. The more Seo Joon does things right, the more he shows that he’s trustworthy and sincere and that his feelings for Ji Woo are real and strong, the scarier he becomes. So Ji Woo simply voices the fear he’s been feeling all along, in its strongest form. This hits Seo Joon hard, because the last thing he wants to do is make Ji Woo feel scared. He wants to take care of him, not freak him out. 

At the end of episode 8, when the blackmail situation has been resolved and Seo Joon’s scandal has blown over, Ji Woo tries to push Seo Joon away yet again. He alludes to his fear of being controlled (“I told you I didn’t want to be taken in”), then tries one of his favorite excuses, dismissing the sincerity of Seo Joon’s interest in him. 

You’re going to leave soon anyway. You were just bored and the only person around was me, so you played around with me! Stop it now…it’s fine. Go live with people that suit you. Don’t disturb the wrong guy. Everything is solved now [meaning Seo Joon’s scandal], so you can leave quickly. Right? You can go to your own house….I want you to hurry and leave.

“I really wasn’t playing. I’m serious,” Seo Joon answers. “You still want me to really leave?” Ji Woo says yes. So Seo Joon grabs his bag, walks past him, reaches the door, and leaves. 

Ji Woo used the same narrative again, the one that says that Seo Joon is just an incurable flirt who had nothing better to do than steal Ji Woo’s heart for fun. It’s manifestly false, but his conviction that someone like Seo Joon couldn’t possibly have feelings of this sort toward him makes it somewhat more convincing. In the end, it’s somewhat moot, since he doesn’t need an ironclad story. All he needs is a moderately convincing excuse to push Seo Joon away so he won’t have take the risks associated with admitting to himself that he loves Seo Joon and Seo Joon loves him back. 

As soon as Seo Joon has his back to him and can’t see him anymore, Ji Woo starts crying—silently, but intensely. When he hears the door click shut, he staggers a couple of steps toward it, as if he wants to follow Seo Joon. But he can only make this small gesture of approaching him when he knows the door is already shut. It seems the only way Ji Woo is able to make a gesture that shows he wants to be with Seo Joon after all is if he feels certain that Seo Joon won’t find out about it. 

That’s why it’s so important that Seo Joon comes back—which brings us to his side of things. 

If it’s hard for you

In my posts so far, I’ve focused more on Ji Woo’s distancer tendencies and apparent avoidant attachment style than on anything that’s going on with Seo Joon (though I’ve touched on his habitual pursuer status a bit). There are a couple of main reasons for this, I think. 

One is the fact that in a piece of romance media, we naturally tend to root for whoever is trying to make the relationship happen. After all, it’s what we’re here for. It’s also a foregone conclusion, due to genre conventions, that the couple will fall in love and more than likely, will end up together. So if one person is getting us closer to that goal and one is standing in the way, we’re more likely to focus on what’s keeping that person stuck and less likely to ask ourselves why the other one is chasing after him so hard. I also think the storyline of season 1 is set up in a way that happens to particularly emphasize Ji Woo’s baggage. (We’ll see if season 2 looks different in this regard—I think it might.) 

But Seo Joon has his own specific soft spots and weaknesses. For one thing, like most pursuers, he behaves as if he wants to get as close to his (potential) partner as possible, but deep down, he also has a fear of intimacy (although he doesn’t want to acknowledge it). One way that he avoids getting more intimacy than he can handle is by falling for an obvious distancer, making it less likely that he’ll “catch” the person he’s pursuing more often than he can handle. In effect, when a pursuer and a distancer get together, they’re making a kind of unspoken pact. The pursuer agrees to hold the need for intimacy for both of them, since they feel comfortable with that side of themselves. The distancer agrees to hold the need for separateness for both of them, since that’s a side of themselves that they feel comfortable with. The pursuer then gets to disavow their own need for separateness/fear of intimacy and the distancer gets to disavow their need for intimacy/fear of abandonment. 

Seo Joon also shows signs of an anxious or preoccupied attachment style. But while I can see glimmers of this in season 1, especially in these last three episodes, I don’t think it’s the right time to get into that quite yet. The main thing to note, for now, is that just as Ji Woo’s distancing is related to his attachment style, Seo Joon’s pursuing is related to his. 

One big area where anxious/preoccupied attachment and pursuer tendencies overlap has to do with where the person normally turns when they need to regulate their emotions. As I quoted Harriet Lerner saying in my overview post about pursuer/distancer dyads, pursuers “react to anxiety by seeking greater togetherness in a relationship,” while distancers “seek emotional distance or physical space when stress is high.” (cite?) Similarly, people with an anxious/preoccupied attachment style tend to get stressed out when they have to spend time alone, and this is definitely true of Seo Joon. 

Let’s look at some examples. When Seo Joon first comes to stay at Ji Woo’s house, he’s crestfallen when he finds out that Ho Min has other duties during his first day there and thus can’t spend the day with him. Soon after this, he finds an excuse to follow Ji Woo to his restaurant. He just really hates to be alone! 

Soon after he and Ji Woo get together, Ji Woo has to go back to the restaurant to pick up his things and take his leave. Seo Joon is reluctant to let Ji Woo go in the first place. When he insists it's necessary, he relents, but texts him the entire time he’s gone. When Ji Woo checks his phone while talking to Hyung Ki, he sees the following: 

“Where are you?”  “Are you OK?”  “Why aren’t you coming?”  “Did something happen?”

As Ji Woo heads home, we see Seo Joon sitting on the floor in front of the door staring at the door. That’s how eager he is to see Ji Woo and how uninterested he is in doing anything without him. 

Now that I think about it, it's really remarkable that Seo Joon asks Pil Hyun and Ho Min to go celebrate without him after Ji Woo says those awful things to him in episode 8. It goes to show just how heartbroken he is that he voluntarily sits around by himself.

Seo Joon also seeks more time and closeness with Ji Woo in other ways. On their second day as a couple, Seo Joon proposes that they continue living together. He’s basically the lesbian from that old joke who shows up at a first date with her stuff in a U-Haul, ready to move in. Part of this is undoubtedly because they’ve already been living together for a little while, but it’s still remarkably early in their relationship for such a step. 

Possibly the most quintessentially pursuer-ish thing Seo Joon does in the first season is what he says to Seo Joon just before they finally get together. “Ji Woo,” he says, “if it’s hard for you, I’ll go to you.” This offer makes a pretty great summary of what pursuers have to offer in relationships. Pursuers seldom make this offer so explicitly, but they generally find a way to communicate to their distancer that they’ll generally be the ones to come to them in order to make closeness happen, allowing them to experience intimacy even though seeking it is “hard for [them].”

This is what Ji Woo needed in this case, and Seo Joon gave it willingly. We don’t see what happens right after their first kiss, but it’s clear that Seo Joon broke the ice sufficiently for Ji Woo to show his feelings in return so that their relationship could get off the ground. We get to enjoy some adorable fluff and that masterful intimate scene, and then the story ends. Until the beginning of season 2, of course. 

I'll be starting season 2 soon, so watch this space!

Thanks yet again to @my-rose-tinted-glasses for being an amazing resource for talking about this show, for encouragement, and just being a lovely human being. Her insights permeate everything I've written in these posts, but at the same time, I couldn't even capture half of them. Thanks to the giffers as always, including @paisky, @captnswilson, @mostlyfate, and @seatawinan.

[vagueeyes]

steve's first prize task + reece mention in s17

[vampire-scones]

His perm is hanging on for dear life at this point. It's been about eight or nine months since his last appointment and the curls were really fighting for their lives. Billy sighed as he looked in the mirror and ran a hand through his hair. He didn't have that kind of money right now so he could do one of two things. He could start spending hours in the bathroom each morning curling his own hair, or he could just let his hair get in that weird in between of wavy and straight which he hated.

As he looked in the mirror the shine of one of his record sleeves caught his eye. It was Motley Crue's 'Shout at the Devil'. All the band members were on the front, done up in their stage make up and their hair teased to high heaven. His gaze immediately went to Vince Neil. Billy would be lying if he said he didn't think the lead singer was at least a little hot. But his hair...he'd never straightened his hair but he knew damn well he could pull off looking like Vince if he tired.

Billy found himself in the bathroom for the next hour and a bit, Susan's flat iron doing its work in taking the life out of the last of his curls. In one of his copies of Metal Edge he had been able to find a good photo of Vince Neil. His hair teased to hell but still framing that pretty boy face.

After Billy was finished with the flat iron he grabbed a comb, starting to tease and back brush his hair. It took a few tries before he had how he wanted it. All that was left was the hairspray. His new can was half empty by the time he was done with it. He looked in the mirror and couldn't help but grin. He looked fucking good. He looked like a rockstar. Sure this wasn't a style he was gonna be pulling off all the time, but as a little change before his next perm? Absolutely. Now the only thing left was to see how a certain someone would feel about it.

Billy cleaned up the bathroom, hid his magazine away again, and grabbed his keys. He put on a pair of boots and walked out to his Camaro. When he got in he cranked the volume of his 'Too Fast for Love' tap and drove off. With his sunglasses on and music blaring he drove way too fast down the back streets of Hawkins until he reached his destination. Harrington's house.

He pulled into the driveway and saw the door already starting to open. He guessed Steve knew it was him from the music. He leaned against the doorframe and raised an eyebrow as Billy shut off the music.

"Not even a call before you come over? You got something important to tell me?" He asked from his spot in the doorway.

Billy got out of his car and gave his hair a bit of a shake, making sure his hair caught Steve's attention. He took off his sunglasses and hung them on his shirt while he walked up to him.

"What? Can't I just pop by because I feel like it? Or do I have to have a formal invitation from the king?"

Steve stood there, just looking Billy over. His hair was so...different. Steve reached out to touch his hair. "Holy shit...you were busy in your bathroom today."

Billy let out a bark of a laugh and just grinned at Steve. "Like it, pretty boy?"

Steve couldn't help but nod. "Yeah...it looks good. Different. You look like a rockstar.."

"And I'm guessing your into rockstars?"

"I didn't say that! I just said you looked like one."

Billy smirked. He watched as Steve stayed mesmerized by his new look. He would take that as the approval from the masses he was looking for.

"Well you can't get your hands out of my hair, maybe we should go inside so you can pull it."

Steve didn't say anything to this and just grabbed Billy by his collar and pulled him inside, letting the door slam closed behind them.

(Inspired by some tags @flayedintheusa left on another one of my posts!)

[szilverer]

mentally they are still there

physically too.

the waswood has shifted, the gates of the collective dream memory have closed to everyone else. but they haven't returned.

it's been days.

this is the first event in the waswood we have actually participated in! :D and to the ghostie, it's. well. its a (literal) throwback to their first weeks of life. now reisz gets to (literally!1!) look back and trace everything they missed in the event & compare everything they didn't know then but do know now. but also, crucially,

they are being confronted with the fact that this empty-headed beginning might have been the happiest they've ever been and that's...

that's something to reflect on, isn't it?

that's something to think about.

bonus bc also rly liked this version

[a-host-of-dancing-daffodils]

Hastings, you're so pretty all the time but you kill me dead when you wear pinstripes please never stop doing that

Miss Lemon. You are. Also so pretty. I love your sweater! With the golden roses on it!! and i love your glasses. and i love your face. and i love your mind. and i love your everything. Thank you for existing

[rabbits-of-negative-euphoria]

when I was waiting the 3 hours for diagnosis, and then 7 hours for my surgery, while round after round of morphine kept wearing off too quickly (for Level 9-10 pain), I tried to recite hymns/spiritual songs in my head to distract myself, but I simply could not track the words of the ones I picked

However, I quite involuntarily got the bridge from Free by Florence + The Machine stuck in my head instead

Is this how it is?

Is this how it’s always been?

To exist in the face of suffering and death

And somehow still keep singing?

Oh, like Christ upon the cross

Who died for us, Who died for what?

Oh, don’t you wanna call it off?

[hopecomesbacktolife]

thinking of rereading the entirety of HoME again. for my health

[chemicalplants]

If Sonic The Hedgehog isn't a vision of the franchise's future nor a step forward from the franchise's past, then what exactly is it? Many say that it's a game that achieves nothing it sets out for, an unfinished demo that never should have been released, and perhaps never should have existed at all. Others view it as a tragic loss of clear potential as a strong successor, squandered by internal disorganization and poor corporate decision-making. Nonetheless, Sonic 2006 has entered a sort of mythical status in a culture that can't find the words to explain it, a conceptual black hole that almost seems to deflect description. But what’s important to understand is how these traits compose the identity and character of a game that is not only itself a failure, but is about failure, a world that is failing and the characters who fail in it. Sonic 2006 is a game where everyone loses, and where everyone leaves the story with their sense of purpose and their reason for existing fundamentally challenged. Sonic 2006 is both the most challenged and challenging Sonic game ever put to market, and it is one of the most misunderstood commercial videogames of the 2000s.

[majycka]

Did u memorize tokyo ghoul’s opening japanese lyrics at the peak of 2014 or are you normal?

[memewife]

most regular teenage friend group

[emotionallychargedtowel]

Revisiting To My Star: It's really hard to meet someone who's fun to be around (season 1, episodes 3 & 4)

Aaaaand my rewatch of To My Star continues with episodes 3 and 4 of season 1. (My post on episodes 1 and 2 is here.)

In these episodes, the relationship between Ji Woo and Seo Joon begins to develop as they get a little bit closer, but the changes are often pretty subtle. Ji Woo’s hostility gets just a little bit milder, and at one point, rather flirty. Seo Joon keeps trying to convince Ji Woo to get closer to him, but he also pushes back a little more. Ji Woo also begins to show a certain degree of protectiveness toward Seo Joon. 

I don't plan on most of these posts being as heavy on plot summary as this one. But since introductions are over but Seo Joon and Ji Woo haven't formed any sort of actual relationship yet at this point, I thought it would make sense to show step by step how they gradually start to establish some closeness.

Seo Joon’s anxiety attack

As I mentioned in my last post, Seo Joon’s anxiety attack, which began at the end of episode 2 and continued into the beginning of episode 3, is one inflection point. Seeing him in such a vulnerable moment really seems to affect Ji Woo, who immediately springs into action and starts to show his protective side. Maybe part of this shift is due to the fact that Ji Woo has often suspected Seo Joon of being fake with him. Seeing him in such an unguarded, emotionally raw state allays those fears at the same time as it brings out those protective feelings.

In the aftermath of the attack, there’s a different kind of interaction that leads to some degree of movement. Seo Joon asks Ji Woo to watch a movie with him, saying that he’ll be “stoned all night in my dream”* if he doesn’t take some time to mentally reset before he sleeps. He aims a positively lethal sad face at Ji Woo, with blinking eyes and a pooched-out lower lip. Ji Woo really tries to resist, but he can't bring himself to refuse.

The pimple

Then they have a funny, but still meaningful, moment. While watching the movie, Seo Joon suddenly notices something. The way he introduces the topic is rather telling: “Ji Woo, it’s perfect right now.” He’s referring to a pimple on Ji Woo’s neck, which he wants to pop.

He tries to frame this in terms of his inability to tolerate looking at certain things, including pimples, messy eyebrows, and "nose hairs that stick out." But his “perfect” comment, and other comments, seem to imply something different: that there’s something about pimple-popping that Seo Joon finds gratifying, and he doesn’t want to let this opportunity pass. 

When people get close enough to perform little grooming tasks for each other, those tasks can feel very intimate. When these tasks involve something that’s often considered distasteful, like acne, accepting this kind of attention from another person involves a kind of vulnerability that can make this kind of care feel even more intimate. Ji Woo and Seo Joon aren’t close enough yet for something like this. When Ji Woo refuses to let him pop his pimple, Seo Joon tells him to let him do it someday when they become closer. He’s willing to grant that they aren’t at that point yet, but he wants to get there. “That will never happen,” Ji Woo replies. Seo Joon reacts to this in an interesting way, chuckling to himself and smiling. It’s almost as if he takes the intensity of Ji Woo’s response as a kind of encouragement despite how hostile he sounded or how decisively negative his words were. 

The part-time job

Seo Joon also asks to work at the restaurant Ji Woo runs with Hyung Ki. He says he wants to do this because he’s bored, wants to learn a skill, and thinks being able to cook a good meal for someone is cool. It’s hard not to think some part of him is just interested in being around Ji Woo more. Not much happens in this department in these episodes, but there are a couple of notable moments. Ji Woo teaches Seo Joon some knife skills and Seo Joon gets absurdly excited about cutting a couple of slices of carrot. It’s goofy, albeit in a cute way, but it’s also a reminder that Seo Joon has missed out on a lot of experiences that other people take for granted. There’s also a point at which Seo Joon is startled by the large numbers of customers that suddenly show up and has to scramble to put on a mask to disguise himself. Ji Woo gloats about it, saying, “I told you it would get busy.” But it’s not what he says that’s interesting, it’s how he says it. Seo Joon turns to look at the entrance and Ji Woo sidles up behinds him and says it in a low voice close to his ear. For someone who’s ostensibly antagonizing Seo Joon, he sure is acting flirty. 

The park 

Seo Joon offers Ji Woo a ride home on his scooter after a shift, but he doesn’t take him home. Instead, he takes him to his “favorite place,” a park with basketball courts and a fountain. He says he likes it because “it’s pretty…and there aren’t many people.” They talk about things like whether Ji Woo has ever dated before—he says he has, but Seo Joon is dubious—and how they feel about their respective occupations—they both like what they do, but the work has become routine. Then Seo Joon makes a jokey but sort of ambiguous comment. After talking about their careers, he puts his hand on his heart and says in a phoney dramatic voice, “And…love. Love can become your everything, too.” Ji Woo looks away and shakes his head in annoyance, but he also seems embarrassed, and he can’t seem to help glancing back at Seo Joon. 

Seo Joon challenges Ji Woo to a game of basketball, saying he’ll take his word for it that he’s dated before if he wins. Then we get a basketball montage. In the hands of a lot of filmmakers, this would be one of the dullest parts of episode 4. But in Hwang Da Seul’s, it’s a serious highlight. Ji Woo and Seo Joon actually get out of their heads for a little while, and assumably Kim Kang Min and Son Woo Hyun did as well when they were filming the scene, because it feels incredibly natural and authentic. The camera follows their movements in an effortless way that doesn’t call attention to itself. There are some great closer shots that capture their facial expressions, particularly a downright incandescent smile of Ji Woo’s that he hides by turning away from Seo Joon. Naturally, Seo Joon gets very close to Ji Woo when he’s guarding him. In the end, Ji Woo wins and Seo Joon has to concede (for the moment, at least) that Ji Woo has been in a relationship before. The whole sequence is filmed and edited beautifully. 

People like you

After their game, they sit on some steps, drink what appears to be beer, look at the fountain, and gaze up at the sky. After a pause, Seo Joon tells Ji Woo, “I really like people like you. People who have their walls up. They seem really strong.” Ji Woo’s expression doesn’t give much away here, but he clearly listens closely, and stares at Seo Joon for a moment after he says this. 

Is Seo Joon really so naïve that he thinks having walls up necessarily means a person is strong? I doubt it's that simple. If the translation is basically accurate, he’s hedging a bit here by saying they “seem” that way. And he’s not talking about what sort of person is objectively superior, but rather, a type of person he likes.

Actually, I can think of three main ways to take this, and they may all be partially true.

he does believe it, at least in part.

this “liking” is a matter of who he’s drawn to (specifically, as a pursuer, he’s drawn to distancers), and/or

he’s fucking with Ji Woo a little bit, in that sneaky, passive-aggressive way of his. 

I'm going to drill down on each of these a bit, because I really think this is a significant line. It also gives me a chance to touch on some themes that are going to come up more as the series continues.

About option 1: 

The thing about “people who have their walls up” that makes them appear “strong” is their seeming self-sufficiency.  Seo Joon needs people, and he’s no good at making it seem like he doesn’t. When he pictures living with his walls up, it seems like it would require a degree of fortitude he doesn’t have. People who can manage this seem to have that fortitude. 

Whether he realizes it or not, Seo Joon sounds like a textbook pursuer here. Habitual pursuers are able to resist the temptation to seek out emotional intimacy with those who are important to them, but it isn’t easy. It doesn’t come naturally. They often only refrain from pursuing temporarily, such as when they’re engaging in reactive distance. They’re very aware of their need for intimacy, and it’s a hard need to ignore. In contrast, they’re used to ignoring their need for distance, space, and independence, so they tend not to notice that type of need in themselves much of the time. Seo Joon’s thing about “walls” is just another way of putting this. We tend to universalize our own experiences, so he might imagine that, basically, distancers are just pursuers who have an almost superhuman capacity for restraint. 

I still doubt that if you asked him, “Do you really think having their walls up necessarily means a person is strong?” he’d give you an unequivocal “yes.” But I wouldn’t be surprised if some part of him believes this to some extent. 

About option 2: 

This option emphasizes the part of Seo Joon’s statement about liking people with their walls up. He could be talking about the fact that he feels drawn to distancers. Maybe he finds himself seeking their approval in the form of engagement. It would make sense. Pursuing and distancing are mutually reinforcing. The more a pursuer pursues, the more a distancer distances, and vice versa. If Seo Joon generally responds to distancing by pursuing the other person more in this way, that desire to pursue could be experienced as being drawn to the person, or again, as liking them. 

Habitual distancers do tend to have a particular appeal for pursuers. On a certain level, pursuers get the sense that a distancer will hold all of their need for independence and fear of intimacy for them by doing a good job evading their pursuit. Distancers are the same way in reverse. They can sense that a pursuer will hold their need for intimacy for them, chasing after them so that they won’t have to seek out intimacy in order to meet their need for it.  

Of course, that’s not how people tend to think about these things consciously. These perceptions and thoughts typically take other forms. Let’s talk about this in terms of ways that Seo Joon might think about Ji Woo. He might see him as strong by virtue of having his walls up, and strength is always an attractive quality. Ji Woo’s distancing tendencies might also look like self-sufficiency, or make him seem confident. Ji Woo might seem mysterious because of his lack of availability. Getting Ji Woo to like him might seem to Seo Joon like it would be really validating; if he can even get someone like Ji Woo to like him, this logic goes, it would prove that he really is lovable, attractive, or just plain good enough in any number of areas. 

In a broader sense, Ji Woo may seem alluring because of the “charm of the unattainable,” the tendency of human beings to want what we can’t have, or might just barely be able to have. This would make particular sense for Seo Joon. He’s an attractive, charming, financially secure celebrity. I’m sure there’s no shortage of people interested in dating him. Someone who’s harder to get close to, like Ji Woo, could seem like quite a prize in comparison to his usual prospects. 

It could get dressed up in a lot of different ways in his mind, but it's likely that deep down, he's sensing that they have these complimentary ways of relating. Pursuers and distancers really do have a strong pull for one another.

About option 3: 

Seo Joon is pretty consistent about trying to get closer to Ji Woo, so it’s no wonder he’s generally nice to him. Most of the times he’s done things that bothered him so far in the story, it’s been due to a lack of consideration, or maybe coming on too strong, but not anything malicious. But occasionally, Seo Joon does take a dig at Ji Woo. He tends to be a little bit sneaky or passive-aggressive about it, but it happens. It makes sense that he has some pent-up resentment toward Ji Woo. After all, he has been pushing him away a lot, making him feel rejected, and he often says rude or insulting things in the process. 

I doubt this comment is primarily and consciously intended to be a jab at Ji Woo. But there may be a twist to it that comes from Seo Joon’s pent-up anger. He’s ostensibly complimenting him, but the idea of having one’s walls up has a pretty negative connotation. And of course, acting like you’re giving someone a compliment while saying something negative is a classic way to be passive-aggressive. 

The more I think about it, the more I really do think Seo Joon was going for all three of these things to at least some extent. 

“Let’s try to get along”

After the “people like you” exchange, some discussion of stars and satellites, and an update on Ji Woo’s pimple situation, Seo Joon says, “You know, it’s really hard to meet someone who’s fun to be around. Right? Let’s try to get along.” He offers Ji Woo his hand to shake, but he doesn’t take it. After a moment, Seo Joon asks, “You still don’t want to? Come on. Let’s try to get along.” Ji Woo still doesn’t shake his hand, so Seo Joon picks up his hand and places it in his own, then shakes it. “And you can speak casually,” he adds. 

Ji Woo finally speaks. “You seem to have a lot of friends already.” Seo Joon seems to be getting in another dig here when he replies, “I didn’t say we should be friends.” At first he smiles, but when he sees Ji Woo’s somewhat alarmed reaction to this, his smile fades and he says, “Well, people who get along are friends, so I guess you’re right.” He laughs and smiles, but Ji Woo just looks back at him. That comment shook him up a bit, and he's not just sailing past it.

As has happened so many times before, Seo Joon meets Ji Woo more than halfway. Ji Woo doesn’t verbally agree to get along or be friends, nor does he choose to shake Seo Joon’s hand. The fact that Seo Joon grabs his hand and shakes it, then acts as if this means something, is remarkable to say the least. Well, Ji Woo could have said no or pulled his hand away, and did neither. That’s the most you could say for this supposed agreement. Yet there is a shift around this point, so perhaps they both took it seriously. 

Seo Joon pulls the rug out from under Ji Woo with his “I didn’t say we should be friends” comment. It’s as if he has set aside his pride in the interest of gaining a closer relationship with Ji Woo but he can’t restrain himself from getting a little bit of revenge. It’s telling that he does it immediately following the moment when Ji Woo, despite expressing doubts about friendship with Seo Joon, also indirectly acknowledges the possibility, which is practically encouraging by Ji Woo standards. In other words, when Ji Woo stops distancing, Seo Joon ends up pushing him away a little. Like I said, it's telling.

After this exchange, the two of them head home on Seo Joon’s scooter as dreamy music plays. Despite some noticeable irregularities in their process, they seem to have bonded in an odd sort of way. 

A really weird person

We also get some new insight into Ji Woo’s relationship with his business partner Hyung Ki in these episodes. Evidence begins to pile up suggesting that Hyung Ki has feelings for Ji Woo, and not surprisingly, he's not happy that a cute celebrity is sleeping over at Ji Woo's place and invading their workplace.

In episode 3, before Seo Joon comes to the restaurant, Ji Woo cuts his hand while cleaning...something. It looks like some kind of seafood. (And in a move that will be significant later, he immediately puts his injured finger into his mouth.) Hyung Ki reacts rather strongly to this, rushing up to Ji Woo, asking him if he’s OK, and asking to see his hand. But Ji Woo responds that he’s fine, telling Hyung Ki to “get back to cooking” and refusing to let him touch him.  

Hyung Ki expresses a different kind of worry in episode 4, when Seo Joon is busy talking with Yoon Seul, Ji Woo's reporter friend. 

Hyung Ki: Are you OK?  Ji Woo: What do you mean?  Hyung Ki: Kang Seo Joon may turn out to be a really weird person.  Ji Woo: It [won't] matter if I [keep] my distance. 

At the end of Seo Joon’s first shift, Hyung Ki has a moment alone with Ji Woo again. “You two seem close already,” he tells him. Ji Woo dismisses this, saying, “It must look that way because he’s not shy around people.” But Hyung Ki doesn’t seem to find that comforting. He gives Ji Woo a long, lingering look as he walks away. He seems uncomfortable watching Ji Woo get onto Seo Joon’s scooter moments later. It probably doesn't help when Seo Joon jokingly says, “Kkondae, hold on tight," since he makes “kkondae” sound like a pet name, and by “hold on tight,” he means for Ji Woo to hold onto him tightly (in the customary way passengers hold onto riders of scooters and motorcycles). 

After they pull away, flashes that seem to come from a camera can be seen and Hyung Ki looks at his phone furtively. He’s clearly up to something—something we'll have to wait to find out about in the episodes that follow.

*I've always wondered about this "stoned all night in my dream" line. What does it mean? Does he dream about hitting a bong? Or is this more like the Blblical kind of getting stoned? Could it be something else entirely? I talked to @my-rose-tinted-glasses about this, and she found another subtitle translation in which Seo Joon talks about how if he goes right to bed after an anxiety attack, people "hurl stones at me all night." So, yeah. It's the Biblical kind of being stoned. And, uh, that's a pretty awful kind of recurring nightmare to have.

One last thing:

When Ji Woo goes outside to check things out after that guy broke the plant pot, after the guy has run off and he's finished talking to Yoon Seul, there's an odd shot of him going back inside. It's from far away, up the hill from the house, and there's a pair of legs in the foreground wearing green canvas shoes. This is going to come up later.

Thanks as always to my TMS sounding board, @my-rose-tinted-glasses, and thanks to @mostlyfate for creating some stellar gifs of this show for posterity.

[coredrill]

all the speculation of bravern being 2-cour/split-cour is so interesting to me. cause like it all seems to be based on the idea that we’ve got 6-7 enemies left to defeat whereas i feel like everything else in the story really is fitting for a halfway point? like. i could be very very wrong ofc but i really struggle to think that this show, with all its loving genre subversions, is suddenly gonna go monster-of-the-week and play that trope straight so that it runs for two dozen episodes? like yeah we still don’t know bravern’s or lulu’s deals yet nor what arael is doing in the OP but from a plot perspective i think it’s totally fair to assume that if we do face all the deathdrives, the fights don’t all have to be one-on-one………….thematically we’ve already set up a contrast between the deathdrives purpose as it relates to death and ep5’s conflict boiling down to isami and smith understanding each other’s willingness to self-sacrifice but also not wanting the other to die………..which works from a character perspective along with the rule of 3 being maybe set up in 2 different potentially emotionally charged ways (with smith now having lost fights twice and also the “baby bird” thing)…………..so like!!! idk i feel like 12 eps could be perfectly satisfying if that is what they are going for!!!

[kirbyddd]

ok that was a new one

[titleleaf]

(Side note: if you're a writer and you're interested in art/translations/podfics/remixes of your fic, you may want to make and post a transformative works policy! They're a great way to communicate your own comfort levels and preferences around what kind of creations inspired by your own work you're open to receiving, or having other people make.)

want your favorite author to update but don’t want to be too pushy in their comment section?

here’s 5 things you can do to encourage them:

Reblog their fic link on tumblr (bonus if it’s with tags)

Bookmark the fic with a note about what you’re excited about/love in the fic

Recommend the fic to your friends or local discord channel

Draw art or create other media for the fic (as indicated by the author’s comfort level)

Leave them a comment when re-reading about the parts of the chapter/story that stood out to you the second time

[nightmarist]

debating for my TTRPG if i should have a catalogue of pre-made spells for all magic classes, or if i should use a table where magic classes can make their own spells within the limitations of their class. hmmmmmmm.

[ptts2023]

TM GAME TOURNAMENT MAGAZINE ANNOUNCEMENT 11 PART 03

Written By: Neng Hong Lam Date Written: April 23, 2025

Table of Contents: Introduction Part 01-09 Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 05 Chapter 01 [1.] My Repressed Memories [2.] Miscellaneous Cases On Writing For Animation [3.] PTTS 31 Sexiest Women In the World A. Recaps On The Austere Correction Argument B. How Did I Came Upon The Sexiest Women In The World? C. Mesa College Performance Art Class D. Back To the Sexiest Women Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 06 Chapter 01 Continue [4.] Tormented Repetition Revisited A. Want It To Be Brief And To The Point B. Current Status Quo On the Tormented Repetition [5.] Repressed Memories Versus Vagabond [6.] Diablo 3 And Video Game [7.] PTTS 31 Sexiest Women In the World 2025 Results

Tormented Repetition Revisited

Want It To Be Brief And To The Point

In the Introduction section, "How To Deal With Tormented Repetition", I wrote about the Tormented Repetition in my life. In this section, I'm going to revisit it again.

Tormented Repetition could also be tormented thoughts. The following are my tormented thoughts:

[Tormented Thoughts Begin]

The bad lucks and adversities in my life make my life like I'm going against the current. What if I could live a life without going against the current?

Even though, I have been posting PTTS posts at tumblr.com for many years starting from December 2016. It is like my fulltime job. Also, I don't receive money from any companies or anyone. Yet, I'm concern about people want to stop me from posting the PTTS posts. Or, I'm very confused about why I don't have any feedback on the PTTS posts I posted up.

What if posting PTTS posts is my official fulltime job? What if people give me supports on posting PTTS posts? What if I'm connected with my community and know what my community think about the PTTS posts?

[Tormented Thoughts End]

The little things in life. Inviting a relative or friend over for dinner. Not thinking about the little things in life and see that those little things in life is my daily life.

I would argues that a person could have a successful career and life involving the following establishments: Empty Handed Combat, TM Game Tournament, Video Game, and Sexy Women.

To further this argument, I have first place championship, management, history, commitment, and development to support myself on those listed establishments.

What happen if I don't bring up No Middle Ground Argument and Austere Correction Argument? Would people use those arguments against me?

Why I have to deal with those arguments and other arguments? Why can I have a successful career and life?

Beside those arguments and other arguments, I'm tormented by the following: I'm supposed to tell people to not get into an Empty Handed Combat fight. To not join the TM Game Tournament. To not play Video Game. And, to not look at Sexy Women.

What happen I got blamed for telling people to not get into Empty Handed Combat fights, to not join the TM Game Tournament, to not play Video Game, and to not look at Sexy Women? It is because of those blames, I'm very confused about my life?

I struggle so hard and try so hard to not fall behind in life and to be successful in life, but why the no feedback happen to me and why the very confusing happen to me?

Because of the discouragements, I felt like when I started posting PTTS posts I been saying the following: The odds is against me, so I'm not going to get far in life. Nothing ever going to change. There are many people like me who couldn't beat their odds. But, I want to give myself that break that I been struggling my whole life. Even if I'm not going to beat the odds against me. But, I could die knowing that I didn't gave up and struggle until my last breath of life.

Because of the no feedback, I felt like those things I just said. I haven't said enough. Yet, I have started posting PTTS posts starting on December 2016. This mean I have been saying those things for around 9 years of time.

Current Status Quo On the Tormented Repetition

Breathe. Take a breath of air. "The world is not created to tormented me daily. The world is not created to tormented me daily."

No matter what a person have done in his or her life-time. I don't think the world is created to torment a person daily.

Yesterday (4/22/2025), after being on #1 Adult Computer in North Clairemont Branch Library from 12:00 PM to 7:45 PM. Basically, while I was on that computer, my focus was to have the results on PTTS 31 Sexiest Women In the World. Even though, I was rushing the whole time, but I was able to completed the selection and have the results.

When I got back to my house, it is already passed 8:00 PM. I would argues the following is not what I want:

I want don't want to be tormented daily.

I don't want to have no chance to ever be anywhere near those sexiest women in the world.

Yet, why I work so hard on the PTTS 31 Sexiest Women In the World if I will never be anywhere close to them?

Basically, I just don't want to not be tormented by those thoughts. Because I work very hard on it not be tormented by it.

Because of those tormented thoughts, so after I ate my dinner. I watched a video on Kagney Linn Carter having her masturbation. She would take off her clothes and touching herself. Then, having masturbation.

I have no feedback on the PTTS posts I have been posting up at tumblr.com. What if I'm not important in my community? Why am I being judged for watching the masturbation video?

The argument is I could watch a Super Hero TV Series episode(s).

Masturbation video mean that there are not a lot of hopes in the world. People only care about themselves.

Super Hero TV Series video mean that there are hopes in the world. There are people who are doing good deeds in their community.

Last night (04/22/2025), I'm exhausted and I want a break from my tormented thoughts. So, I watched a masturbation video. I watched that masturbation video to not think too much about the tormented thoughts. And, get ready to go sleep.

Every little things in my life seem like it could be lead to an argument.

In "It is Okay To Have A Little Bit of Hope? Part 01-07", basically I just wanted to ask it is okay to watch a TV Series that have Comic Book Super Hero? But, I couldn't get myself to ask that question. I really thought by Part 07, I could get myself to ask that question. Example: Why am I such a big loser that need to find hope from a TV Series that have Comic Book Super Hero?

Back to that line above, "The world is not created to torment me daily."

Negative Thoughts: What if the world is using me as an example to make a point? This point could be politic, religion, and business? Example: A person who is not connected with his or her community will be a failure. Torment me will make this point more convincing.

Positive Thoughts: I would argues that I want to have positive thoughts. So, I would argues that there are good deeds in my community. The good deeds could mean what if it is a good deed from my community for people to not leave me feedback on my PTTS posts at tumblr.com, because I have been facing a lot of bad lucks and adversities in my life? Example: Feedbacks could lead to criticisms. Criticisms would create more bad lucks and adversities in my life.

I would argues yes it would be a goal to achieve for people to leave me feedbacks on my PTTS posts. Better than feedbacks would be people making a donation with a little of money to help me out.

But, what if the no feedback on my PTTS posts mean I'm not connected with my community? If I relies on the feedbacks and donation, then I'm giving myself false hope. False hope mean believe in something that will never happen.

One feedback on my PTTS post could save me a lot of troubles. Help me out a lot.

Conspiracy 01: This conspiracy is I'm dirty and I'm lying to myself. Because augmentation/adjustment have happen to me. This augmentation/adjustment want me to clean my history. So, to go with this augmentation/adjustment I want to clean my history by pointing out that I have never been around sexy women before. At the same time, around 2013, there are evidences that 2 police officers looked through my backpack inside the San Diego Mesa College campus and found a folder filled with nude women pictures.

Conspiracy 02: This conspiracy is I'm watching Comic Book Super TV Series to have a little bit of hope in my life. Also, I think that Conspiracy 01 won't happen to me.

"7-11" convenient stores. Bookstores. A lot of magazine stands in general. Sell magazines that have sexy nude women pictures.

Category 01: Clean history. Comic Book Super Hero TV Series.

Category 02: Sexy nude women pictures. Sexy nude women masturbation videos.

Back to the Austere Correction Argument. It is the moment I saw a sexy nude women picture and/or sexy nude women masturbation video, I no longer could talk about clean history. And/or Comic Book Super Hero TV Series?

I would argues because I have accumulated 199 First Places in the TM Game Tournaments. Also, I served 4 years as the club president of Mesa Multimedia Club. So I thought that Austere Correction Argument and No Middle Ground Argument only happen to people who have status.

Because of this argument, so it is hard for me to believe that it could happen to me who have no feedback on my PTTS posts.

If it doesn't happen to me, then I watched Comic Book Super Hero TV Series. Or, I watched sexy women masturbation videos. Don't matter. Vice-versa, if it does happen to me, then I watched Comic Book Super Hero TV Series. Or, I watched sexy women masturbation videos. Do matter.

The argument is if I'm wealthy then those nude sexy women will find me. And, want to have sex with me. Vice-versa, if I'm poor and have a lot of bad lucks in my life. Then, I'm watching a sexy woman masturbation video could create problems in my life. And/or lead to arguments against me.

I would argues that it is a trap. Or, a torment. Because I have no incomes. No feedback. Very confused with my connection with my community. To post up PTTS posts at tumblr.com.

Why I can't have incomes? Why I can's have feedbacks? Why I have to be very confused?

Would the police officers listen to what I have to says? Would the city officials listen to what I have to says? Do I matter in the city of San Diego or am I not important for the officials to listen to what I have to says?

A brief recaps on the arguments against creating PTTS on 2012. In the later on chapters of this healing process. I will have more details on becoming the founder of PTTS and establishing the PTTS.

On 2008, the argument is me and club vice-president of Mesa Multimedia Club, Rebeca Karcz. Are big losers. But, me and her want to fit in our society and live our life.

I met her when I got elected to be club president of Mesa Multimedia Club on 2008. So, the argument is big loser meet big loser.

Whenever me and her having club meeting, meeting in general, or just talking in the phone in general. I would argues to her that I'm a survivor. I could find ways to live as affordable as I can. The Mesa College cafeteria most affordable food is bean burrito. Which cost 50 cents. During rush hours and very busy schedule and no time to buy affordable foods at the grocery stores. I could survive with bean burritos. There are times she would try to argues back with her ways of finding to live even more affordable than my affordable ways.

I buy my foods at Costco warehouse store. So, I get those foods at wholesale prices. But, Costco membership fee is around $50 for about 6 months of time. Food cooking, food storage, and meal management in general. Is more important than buying food for affordable prices.

The following line: "Come on think about it bean burritos for a week, can you beat that?"

After that line she usually would give me a break and won't argues back. I think maybe she could vibe that I know how to cook very delicious cuisine recipes. So, living off bean burritos is very hard for me.

Me and her having those arguments, because I'm like her boss, because I have the club president position. And, she have the club vice-president position. So, I wanted to give her my reasons why I get to be at a higher position than her.

To me and her, me and her going through those very tough struggles to fit in the society. But, the argument is why me and her is struggling so hard to be club president and club vice-president for, does me and her have to have those positions?

This argument would lead to me and her is wasting our time to be club president and club vice-president. Because when the club presidency and club vice-presidency end, me and her going to be back to not able to fit in the society. Not able to fit in the society would be argued as the following: Big losers. Rejects/outcasts. Not important. And, so on.

I would argues if I show conformity and accepted the end of my club presidency. Prepared to be a big loser again. Then, the world would not be too harsh on me being a big loser again. As for her, I want to have positive thoughts about her. Those positive thoughts mean that she don't have to be a big loser again.

In summary, the 4 years as club president is a very tough struggle. But, I have to act like it is very fun. I have a great time. Also, the end of the club presidency is very upsetting to me. But, I have to act like I'm very happy that the club presidency have come to an end.

So happen on December 2011 when my club presidency ended. My workplace, Marshalls stop assigning hours for me to work. I received a sequence of some Negative Feedbacks on my ebay account (Online Store). The ebay policy is you could only clear 1 Negative Feed per month. I didn't have enough time to clear those Negative Feedbacks, so I was forced to deleted my ebay account. My half account is shared with my ebay account. So, when I deleted one account both accounts is deleted.

My Mesa College Game Development class group members have left the group, so I have to work on the group project by myself. The group project is equivalent to the Final Exam. Final Exam mean is the most important test. It is usually about 50% of your grade.

On January 2012, because of the accumulated problems in my life, so I thought my life can't be any worse. So, I self-proclaimed myself as became the founder of PTTS (Planet-wide Tournament Tip Session).

My thoughts are my situation and my life can't get any worse.

The following are arguments against creating PTTS:

[Begin]

So you thought life is tough. But, you have no idea what is despair. What you went through are pressures. Which you interpreted as bad lucks. Can't handle the pressures got turn into bad lucks.

Now, we will create so much arguments against you. You will know the meaning of despair. You are in so much despair, you going to wish you were back on January 2012. Which you called your life can't get any worse.

[End]

It is very tormenting thoughts. Because the arguments against creating PTTS want to make my life can't get any worse into my dream.

I would argues that me and Rebecca might be big losers. But, we don't deserve to be treated like this. Nobody deserve to be treated like this.

What happen me and her didn't get elected as club president and club vice-president and I didn't became the founder of PTTS, would my life not became nightmares?

Is there nothing worthwhile about being club president and founder of PTTS?

Have my life always been like giving big loser a chance and never like my achievements have pay off?

Back to the opening paragraph in the Introduction of "Leading Students Redemption" documentary. The world is not the Red Cross foundation, Salvation Army, Catholic Relief Service, and foundation in general to help people. But the world is not created to torment me daily.

I would argues the facts does show a lot of children in the Third World Countries die from famine and poverty each years. From these facts, because I was immigrated from a Third World Country, so I could be one those children in the Third World Countries who die from famine and poverty if the USA didn't help me out.

From this argument, why save me, then torment me to death? If I'm going to be tormented to death, then would it be better just left me in the Third World Country and let fate decided if I could survive the famine and poverty or not?

Not giving me a chance would be the worst thing that could happen to me. Giving me a chance would be tormenting Third World Country child to death. And, tormenting a big loser to death.

Why use Austere Correction Argument and No Middle Ground Argument against me when I'm not important or inferior Third World Country child?

Why not first elected me to be an official, then use those Austere Correction Argument and No Middle Ground Argument against me?

Is giving big losers a chance help out those big losers or make those big losers life into nightmares?

Repressed Memories Versus Vagabond

In this content the word, Vagabond mean the following: A person don't care about conventional standards, political correctness, and norm in general in the society. That person is unrestrained and undisciplined. Do whatever he or she want. Don't care what people see of them.

I didn't accumulated 199 First Places in the TM Game Tournaments, because I was lucky. It is because of mind over matter. Example: Who am I teaching the concept of mind over matter to? It is the people who want me to be a failure and don't care about whatever I said?

It is easier to says weak mind doesn't get far in life. If the argument is my mind is weak, then I already beat the odds. Because I live until now, I'm 41 years old.

What I wanted says is I have used mind over matter to keep me from talking about My Repressed Memories.

I would argues that I'm not going to last long with the pressures for not talking about My Repressed Memories. Because sooner or later I'm going to felt that those pressures is the same as I have talked about My Repressed Memories.

I would argues even though, because I want to succeed in life, so I have to know how to deal with pressures. But, I think it is better to be wealthy without any pressures in life. Than, have zero power and have a lot of pressures in life.

I'm going to keep at: If I got passed the problems in my life and the arguments against me could destroy me. Then, soon the pressures for not talking about My Repressed Memories will destroy me.

This mean I don't have much hope in my life. The "Step By Step" and "Long Journey" is to try to have a little bit of hope.

I would argues if I could have a clean death. Then, I able to have a little bit of dignity. Because after I looked through the problems in my life. And, the arguments against me. More or less, there have been a lot of problems in my life. I rather not piss off myself by complaining about it.

I would argues the world and people see me as a time bomb about to explode. As for me, I don't want to blame myself and hate myself for what is happening to me such as being forced to becomes a time bomb about to explode.

The worse is I would be made into an example. People would made me explode. Then, while I'm exploding. I would be lynched by the people.

I would argues because my PTTS Posts have no feedback. So, the following is my goal: To have a PTTS post feedback saying that I have zero power that is why I have no feedback.

In a world-wide struggle for world domination. Then, there is no middle ground. And, people would look at the Austere Correction Argument.

The argument is you could barely have the little things in life and do the daily activities. Why would you bring up No Middle Ground Argument and Austere Correction Argument?

The mind over matter keep telling me. It is a trap. Defending Champion supposed to be a celebration where ever I go. Not a time bomb about to explode.

In conclusion, I'm not going to last long would argued as I want some changes to happen to me. "Step By Step" And "Long Journey" would argued as even after many years later when I have grew into an old man nothing ever going to change.

Diablo 3 And Video Game

Last week (04/16/2025), I started writing about the video games I'm currently playing. The following is what I have got so far:

[Writing From Last Week Begin]

Diablo 3 Reaper of Souls Expansion have 6 classes. So far I have created 4 characters. Each of the 4 characters are in different classes. To have all 6 classes, I need to create 2 more characters. This mean I need to create a character for Witch Doctor class and a character for Monk class. The Monk class character would be Azusa from the World of MTG (Magic The Gathering) Multiverse. Azusa have black hair. The female Monk class have white hair.

As for Witch Doctor class, I don't come upon a lot of female Witch Doctor. The following are characters could be argued as in the Witch Doctor class: Akasha Queen of Pain from Warcraft 3: DOTA, Queen of Death from Golden Axe: Beast Rider, Sylea from Champions: Return To Arms, Sindel from Mortal Kombat, and Lucretia from Kingdom Under Fire: The Crusaders.

I haven't play Kingdom Under Fire: The Crusaders before. I played Warcraft 3: DOTA the most among those listed titles. So, I'm going with Akasha as the female Witch Doctor.

I haven't receive a donation to replace my not working camcorder. So, I'm not going to able to record my Diablo 3 walkthrough video. Unless, I find another way beside using my camcorder to record my video game walkthrough.

Since my Demon Hunter class (Valkyrie) and Wizard class (Alicia) have reached the maximum level, 70. So, I'm going to play those 2 characters to collect Paragon Points for all the characters in my account. The Paragon Points will help boost up the characters' attributes. In addition, I could collect high level jewelries. Same as the Paragon Points, the high level jewelries will help boost up the character's attributes.

This mean I'm going to played those 2 characters for a bit longer. Then, I'll begin the Witch Doctor class (Akasha) and the Monk class (Azusa).

The following is how I came up with the names for the first 4 characters:

The name Valkyrie is from the advertisement art in the video game magazines of Valkyrie Profile 2: Silmeria video game. That advertisement art shown Alicia rising her sword and she have a very sad expression on her face. That same art inspired me to create the character, Valkyrie Mistygardia in the fantasy novels I'm writing. That is how I came up with the name Valkyrie for the Demon Hunter class. Coincidentally, during my childhood years, my father bought me a high-tech imported transformer action figure. That transformer action figure is called Super Valkyrie.

The name Alicia is from Alicia Claus in Bullet Witch video game. Alicia in Bullet Witch could be argued as Demon Hunter class or Wizard class. That is where I came upon the name, Alicia. Later on, I found out that Valkyrie Profile 2: Silmeria advertisement art is Alicia. Alicia Claus from Bullet Witch inspired me to create the character Queen Alicia Rayhart in the fantasy novels I'm writing. That is how I came up with the name Alicia for the Wizard class.

The name Tyris is from Tyris Flare in Golden Axe: Beast Rider video game. Tyris Flare is Barbarian class in Golden Axe. That is how I came up with the name Tyris for the Barbarian class.

The name Elspeth is from Elspeth Tirel in the World of MTG (Magic The Gathering) Multiverse. Based on my TM Game Tournament experience, I think the TM Game players would voted that MTG is the most popular Trading Card Game Tournament. From the MTG advertisement art, she is leading an army of crusaders. She is made into a fairly expensive MTG card. That is how I came up with the name Elspeth for the Crusader class.

[Writing From Last Week End]

Brief Thoughts On Video Game

In "Begging For Mercy (Introduction Part 04)", I wrote that during my childhood years while talking with siblings, friends, neighbors, and classmates about video games. In those talks, we believe that people could have a career playing video games for living. Example1: Playing video games could be an official job. Example2: You could have fun playing video games. At the same time, you getting paid for playing video games.

In the Austere Correction Argument, the moment you purchase your first video game system your life is finish. Finish mean you will live a miserable life as a failure filled with regrets.

Compare my childhood video game thoughts and the Austere Correction Argument, there is a dramatic different.

In this section, I just wanted to point out about the video games I'm currently playing. In the later on chapters, I will write in details about my video game history. One last thing, "Diablo 3" is not the only video game I'm currently playing.

PTTS 31 Sexiest Women In the World 2025 Results

The number next to the name indicate the placement of my preference of the sexiest women. Example: 1 = first place. 2 = second place. And, so on.

North America

Movie Star: 1. Charlize Theron, 2. Camilla Belle, 3. Alexa Davalos, 4. Denise Richards, 5. Nicole Kidman, 6. Kate Beckinsale, 7. Gemma Arterton, 8. Catherine Zeta Jones, 9. Izabella Scorupco, 13. Natalie Portman, 14. Monica Bellucci, 15. Megan Fox, 16. Jennifer Connelly, 17. Monica Potter, 18. Haley Bennett, 19. Gina Gershon, 20. Salma Hayek

Idol Singer: 10. Ashley Tisdale, 11. Britney Spears, 12. Christina Aguilera

Europe & Asia

Movie Star: 21. Athena Chu, 22. Zhang Ziyi, 23. Maggie Cheung, 24. Joey Wong, 25. Zhoa Wei (Victoria), 26. Cecilia Cheung

Idol Singer: 31. Hayley Westenra, 27. Charlotte Church, 28. Alan Dawa Dolma, 29. Alizee Jacotey, 30. Aishwary Rai

The following is a summarization of the overall problems in "PTTS 31 Sexiest Women In the World" section:

Because it is based more on my preference without a lot of history on those sexiest women, so I would argues it is vague/shallow.

There are some sexy women pictures I collected many years ago. Example: I collected Alizee Jacotey pictures around 2005.

I been busy doing the things in my schedule, so some of the sexiest women on the list. I don't have time to look into their history, documentaries, and interviews.

In addition to #1-3, I would argues that I have been rushing, because of my busy schedule. Also, it would have been easier if I'm getting paid and it is my career.

If you are interested in knowing sexy women that have video game game character role. And/or, sexy women that have comic book character role. Then, read the following:

Sexy Women that have video game character role

Adelaide Clemens, Heather Morris (Silent Hill: Revelation) Gemma Arterton, Princess Tamina (Prince of Persia) (Also one of the sexiest women) Olivia Wilde, Quorra (Tron: Legacy) Beau Garrett, Gem (Tron: Legacy) Malgorzata Foremniak, Ash (Avalon) Milla Jovovich, Alice (Resident Evil Movie Series) Sienna Guillory, Jill Valentine (Resident Evil Movie Series) Ali Larter, Claire Redfield (Resident Evil Movie Series) Bridgette Wilson, Sonya Blade Sandra Hess, Sonya Blade (Mortal Kombat: Annihilation) Jessica McNamee, Sonya Blade (Mortal Kombat) Talisa Soto, Kitana (Mortal Kombat: Annihilation) Musetta Vander, Sindel (Motal Kombat: Annihilation) Kristinna Loken, Bloodrayne (Bloodrayne) Sarah Carter, Helena Douglas (Dead Or Alive) Devon Aoki, Kasumi (Dead Or Alive) Natassia Malthe, Ayane (Dead Or Alive) Jaime Pressly, Tina Armstrong (Dead Or Alive) Holly Valance, Christie (Dead Or Alive) Kelly Overton, Christie Monteiro (Tekken) Candice Hillebrand, Nina Williams (Tekken) Marian Zapico, Anna Williams (Tekken) Kristin Kreuk, Chun-Li (Street Fighter) Paula Patton, Gorona Halforcen (Warcraft) Zoe McLelan, Marina Pretensa (Dungeons & Dragons) Angelina Jolie, Lara Croft (Tomb Raider) Emmy Rossum, Bulma (Dragonball Evolution (2009) Movie)

Sexy Women that have Comic Book character role

DC Comics Camren Bicondova, Selina Kyle Catwoman (Gotham TV Series) Peyton List, Poison Ivy Pamela Isley (Gotham TV Series) Chelsea Spack, Kristin Kringle (Gotham TV Series) Emily Bett Richards, Felicity Smoak (Arrow TV Series) Katie Cassidy, Laurel Lance Black Canary (Arrow TV Series) Jessica De Gouw, Helena Bertinell Huntress (Arrow TV Series) Ashley Scott, Helena Bertinell Huntress (Birds of Prey TV Series) Helen Slater, Kara Zorel Supergirl (Supergirl Movie) Melissa Benoist, Kara Zorel Supergirl (Supergirl TV Series) Gal Gadot, Diana Wonder Woman (Wonder Woman Movie) Lynda Carter, Diana Wonder Woman (Wonder Woman TV Series) Marvel Comics Kirsten Dunst, Mary Jane Watson (Spider-Man) Bryce Dallas Howard, Gwen Stacy (Spider-Man) Jennifer Garner, Elektra Natchios (Elektra) Scarlett Johansson, Natasha Romanoff Black Widow (Avengers) January Jones, Emma Frost White Queen (X-Men: Origin) Jennifer Lawrence, Mystique (X-Men: Origin) Rebecca Romiji-Stamos, Mystique (X-Men) Anna Paquin, Anna Marie Rouge (X-Men) Famke Janssen, Jean Grey Pheonix (X-Men) Kelly Hu, Yuriko Oyama Lady Deathstrike (X-Men) Halle Berry, Ororo Munroe Storm (X-Men) Malin Akerman, Laurie Jupiter Silk Spectre II (Watchmen) Carla Gugino, Sally Jupiter Silk Spectre (Watchmen) Other Emily Browning, Babydoll (Sucker Punch) Abbie Cornish, Sweet Pea (Sucker Punch) Jena Malone, Rocket (Sucker Punch) Vanessa Hudgens, Blondie (Sucker Punch) Jamie Chung, Amber (Sucker Punch) Carla Gugino, Dr. Vera Gorski (Sucker Punch) Jeong Ji-Hyeon, Saya Kisaragi (Blood: The Last Vampire)

Last but not least, that is what I have. So, I will start working on creating the cover with the pictures of those sexiest women. If I receive feedback(s) on my PTTS posts and/or donation(s) to help me out. Then, I would argues it would really help me out.

"Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 07" continue in TM Game Tournament Magazine Announcement 11 Part 04.