#so i can't document my experiments with fall damage

[rayless-reblogs]

Ah, sweeping falls, a tranquil blue lake.

Beautiful.

Welp, bath time.

Don't act like you don't know me, Jill.

[danieyells]

. . .I could've sworn I did Ritsu's already. Apparently not. Yuri's one of my favorites and he's the one I chose in the beginning so I'm saving his for when I'm a little better rested(I have Monday off because of another doctor's appointment, so that's the lastest i'll post it)

RITSU IS SO. . .I LOVE HIM. I'll rag on him a lot because he's so tunnel visioned and just like. . .repressed. And he needs to touch grass(figuratively) but also. . .when you've been set from childhood to work and care only for your work and only know your work. . .it's understandable that he is the way he is. . . .

The way he changes as his affinity goes up is very repressed too. . .but you can still see the change at the end a little. He's a very stagnant character. . .but still interesting to look into the mannerisms of.

Hello: (the first time the game is opened after that character is set as home screen NPC. Only happens once per day, unless the character is switched out and back.)

"Any self-respecting inspector would stay comfortably ahead of schedule—I suggest you get into the habit. Let's go—there's no time to waste."

dude this is the 'you've logged in for the first time today' dialogue why are you assuming that i must be late! rude.

You've Got Mail: (whenever there's something in the inbox, usually Arena rewards)

"Did you check that notification yet? We could have a request from a client, so please do so right away."

Default: (requires no affinity, has no time constraints)

"I have been assigned to Sinostra, so I will not allow them to stand trial, no matter how villainous their actions. That is the Shinjo family policy."

"I shall ensure the Gala is held this year, and that Sinostra will wear the Laurel Crown. I have never made a promise I couldn't keep."

boy i can't wait for that to fall through--he, respectfully, needs the humbling.

"I've read the Compendium of Laws countless times since I was a child. Memorizing its contents is a rite of passage for the eldest son of the Shinjo family."

and somehow it ended up an artifact he can use as a weapon? I really wanna know what it does tbh.

"What business do you have with me? Please keep in mind that I charge 5500 yen per half hour for consultations, tax inclusive."

(roughly $35USD, although it's faster to just think of it as $55--) WE ARE BUSINESS PARTNERS. WHAT ARE YOU CHARGING A MFER FOR.

"As long as I have a notebook, my business cards, a binder, paper, and my voice recorder, I can handle the initial stages of any case."

i need my binder every day too ritsu.

Affinity 1: (between 5am and 11am)

"{PC}. Are you aware of the responsibility your position as inspector entails? I suggest you tidy your appearance and wipe that vacant look from your face."

they do not need to be aesthetically in order to be inspector. as long as they're paying attention it may even be better to look vacant. lure them into a false sense of security. also it's easier to pay attention if you're comfortable, in my experience. . . .

Affinity 2: (between 11am and 4pm)

"You've lost your notebook? Just a moment. ...At 9:04 AM, it was inside the photocopier. Yes, I do have that information recorded."

Affinity 3: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"Have you seen Taiga Hoshibami? Strange... According to my behavioral model, he should be in the casino at this time..."

Affinity 4: (between 8pm and 5am)

"At the end of each day, I compile information about every person I encountered in my notebook. It always proves useful eventually."

yandere adjacent behavior, except it's for everyone and not just one person lolol

Affinity 5: (between 8pm and 5am)

"The vice-captain has asked me to organize some documents. Let's start by making copies of everything in case the originals become lost or damaged."

Romeo has a line that references this as well!

Affinity 6: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"I always have my business cards on hand. It should go without saying—any lawyer who fails to gain their client's trust during the first meeting is not worth their salt."

Affinity 7: (between 11am and 4pm)

"A post-meal coffee must be drunk black. Unnecessary additives only interfere with the natural flavor."

Affinity 8: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"Until the age of three, I spent my days visiting the greatest sights the world has to offer with my mother, as from four my studies would prevent me from doing so."

is that child abuse? i think that's child abuse. you learn the source of ritsu's problems very early on in his affinity--he has had zero normal social interaction opportunities and no childhood. From birth until he stopped being a toddler he was just flying around the world looking at beautiful things, no stability in his location or world aside from the presence of his mother, and then he went home and probably basically got locked away to study law the moment he could sort of read. His whole existence was molding him to work. . .Subaru is similar, even down to what age they were forced to start preparing to work at. But Subaru is at least better adjusted, probably because acting awarded him better opportunities to try and think about how other people think.

Affinity 9: (between 8pm and 5am)

"According to my behavioral model, there is a 29% chance that Taiga Hoshibami is currently at the baccarat table."

Affinity 10: (between 10pm and midnight)

"I review the day's coursework for two hours then prepare for the next day's classes for three— no more, and no less. Six more minutes of silence, please."

WHERE DO THE RECORDINGS COME IN TO THIS. This mans somehow has 40 hour days. Maybe his artifact slows down time or something lol

Affinity 11: (between 5am and 11am)

"Good morning, {PC}. We have a meeting at 3 PM today, so please adjust your plans accordingly."

Affinity 12: (between 11am and 4pm)

"Darkwick Rulebook Article 183: "For the protection of anomalies, unnecessary running indoors is prohibited." This rule has been in place for over one hundred years."

wait how old is this school? how old is the Institute???

Affinity 13: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"All right. We need to organize our notes from today's investigation, so let's relocate to the diner. Our usual booth, of course."

Affinity 14: (between 5am and 11am)

"The content of our classes may be novel, but I topped the year in the scholastic ability test—they are nothing I can't handle."

so among the first years' scholastic ability tests, Ritsu was 1st, Leo was 2nd, Sho was 5th. Considering there are only four new first year ghouls then that must include the general students too. I wonder where Ren placed? Probably not very high. But still, Ritsu is a genius. . .or at least very very good at memorizing information. Lots of book smarts, minimal other smarts.

Affinity 15: (between 5am and 11am)

"As your business partner, I request that you improve your conduct. Please refrain from consenting to any further uncompensated labor."

Affinity 16: (between 11am and 4pm)

"Our Anomalous Law classes are truly fascinating. There is a long history well worth learning about— though of course, I have already mastered the basics."

Affinity 17: (between 10pm and midnight)

"I cannot afford to be complacent, even before bedtime. It's vital that I check the day's notes again to ensure nothing has been missed."

Affinity 18: (between 8pm and 5am)

"I set time aside in the evening to watch opera performances online. It allows me to get my thoughts in order, and provides a change of pace."

when??? what time??? because he has to review all of the audio recordings and notes from the whole day--what time does he have to do anything in???

Affinity 19: (between 10pm and midnight)

"I just finished checking my recordings from today. You sighed a total of four times— is something troubling you?"

i love the vibe of this. rather than silently nothing your sighing and potential exhaustion or scolding you for not caring for yourself, he expresses concern towards you. also, it's so soft yandere. like he already records everything you say and do, to confront you over it on top of that he shamelessly defends his recording and notetaking. . .if not for that he recorded everyone it would really be so yandere lolol. instead it's just his odd and overbearing way of showing he's beginning to care.

Affinity 20: (between 5am and 11am)

"You struggle to get up in the morning? I can contact you each day at a set time if you like, but I'll have to think about how much to charge..."

affinity 20 and my guy still wants to charge for his time. . .we're gonna have to teach him to have A Singular Normal Social Connection aren't we. and we're probably gonna fail.

Affinity 21: (between 11am and 4pm)

"You wish to have lunch with me? All right. We are business partners, so I will accompany you free of charge."

wait maybe i spoke too soon.

Affinity 22: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"This is for you, {PC}— it's the takeout coffee I often purchase. Your performance will decline if your mind isn't sharp."

his increased attachment is shown in the bare minimum of understanding normal human social interaction and caring for you by sharing his things and his time without charge. In trying to make you the best you(from his perspective) that you can be. Because that's what his parents did for him--so surely that's the best expression of love he has, aside from obsessive study and understanding.

Affinity 23: (between 8pm and 5am)

"I feel we made solid progress toward the reinstatement of the Gala today. Let's reconvene again tomorrow and continue working together to realize our goal."

Affinity 24: (between 10pm and midnight)

"Could I ask you to accompany me a little longer, {PC}? I realize it's outside of business hours, but...I would appreciate it if you could make a special exception."

He wants to spend time with you. And he's realizing he can just ask that. But he's so entrenched in legal and business mannerisms he doesn't know how to say "i want to be around you for longer". You're his business partner. It's bad form to request your attention outside of work, it has no value towards your goals and business efforts, but. . .that he's making a sort of formal appeal for your attention outside of work is as far as he can get in terms of expressing his affection right now.

Affinity 25(max): (no time constraints)

"It seems we make better business partners than I would have expected. I look forward to a long and prosperous relationship with you."

kind of comical that his max affinity line is still so formal after a more friendly 'please spend time with me late at night' 24th. . .but also, he wants you to be his business partner for longer. i think that counts towards something! It's a reason to stay with you! Maybe over the course of your business partnership he'll learn how to express deeper feelings. . .he's going to need an heir, after all--

Spring: (March-May) (between 5am and 11am)

"There has been a noticeable increase in reports of suspicious activity of late. More incidents means more business. Be prepared."

(between 11am and 4pm)

"You have a petal in your hair. A little more to the right. No, not there. Just let me remove it. Hold still."

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"Indeed, the cherry blossoms are in bloom. Incidentally, Japan's oldest cherry blossom tree can be found in Yamanashi Prefecture and is estimated to be 2000 years old."

ritsu would probably kill at historical trivia night.

(between 8pm and 5am)

"I had tempura at the cafeteria today. It didn't come close to the tempura I would eat with my father at the historic soba restaurant we used to frequent though."

Summer: (June-August) (between 5am and 11am)

"This one is for my face, and this is for my body. I have six handkerchiefs with me— enough for morning, noon, and night. I cannot let my opponents see me sweat."

why's this giving me ace attorney prosecutor energy. . . . .

(between 11am and 4pm)

"I witnessed a half-naked man running around in this vicinity. Did you see him? He is risking a charge of indecent exposure."

but we saw Kaito in his underwear and you said that meant he wasn't at risk of indecent exposure. . . . . . . .

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"The warmer it gets, the more of a racket people make. Honestly, how were these people raised?"

to relax and have fun during the summer break. . .you should give it a try.

(between 8pm and 5am)

"You want to go and watch the fireworks? A rather childish request, but all right. So? Where would one go to view them?"

FIREWORKS DATE FIREWORKS DATE just don't touch him without getting his consent first that could be counted as sexual harassment and he'll Get Your Ass.

Autumn: (September-November) (between 5am and 11am)

"The weather is much more pleasant for going out on professional errands now. A first-rate lawyer keeps their boots on the ground. Now then, let's get going."

(between 11am and 4pm)

"I object to the cultural assumption that fall is the season of the arts. The arts should be enjoyed throughout the year, regardless of the season."

you and yuri would get along well i think. until you realize the guy is a medical malpractice suit waiting to happen. then you'd criticize him and he would take that so poorly.

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"Once I've perused the relevant documents in the library, I plan on doing some reading. Please excuse me."

(between 8pm and 5am)

"The nights may grow longer in the fall, but daylight hours should not affect the time you rise and retire. I'll see you tomorrow."

Winter: (December-February) (between 5am and 11am)

"I have detected a change in how Taiga Hoshibami divides his time since the weather has taken a cold turn. It has created quite a quandary for me..."

yeah he doesn't like getting out of bed when it's cold. he also eats a lot more, like a bear about to hibernate. shockingly behavior patterns tend to change with the seasons.

(between 11am and 4pm)

"I've never experienced snowfall heavy enough to obstruct my movement, but I'd like to deepen my knowledge of the phenomenon for future reference."

to frostheim then! i'm sure that place is just awful for movement in winter.

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"I'm heading to the diner to fulfill a request from Ren Shiranami. Perhaps I shall enjoy a warm bowl of soup while I'm there."

. . .I wonder if this is an Obey Me!Raphael situation where he has no grasp of that the food is not good. . . .

(between 8pm and 5am)

"People say that hard work is the key to success, but it only took me a year to master German—as was the case with Italian and French."

His birthday: (January 13th)

"Indeed, today is my birthday. I've always celebrated this day by enjoying my mother's cooking, but from this year I am striving for a more self-reliant existence."

MAMA'S BOY MAMA'S BOY tbf up until he was 3 his mother was probably his only social connection and then he was locked away studying so. . .his mom is probably the only one he has like. . .personal feelings and attachment for. you'll be a tradwife too :) but also that he's trying to be more self-reliant at darkwick. . .that really does explain that he's like. not used to any sort of social interaction or doing things he hasn't been told to do by his parents. maybe in his time at darkwick he'll realize how good it feels to just. . .be a person. dedicate time to fun and relaxation. realize that work isn't everything. or maybe he'll be so judgemental towards the lifestyles of others he'll retreat even further into his current habits.

Your birthday:

"Happy birthday. A year older, a year wiser. I have high hopes for your performance in the coming year."

New Years: (January 1st)

"Happy New Year. Let's devote these next 365 days—or 8760 hours—to finding fitting solutions to the challenges that come our way."

what if it's a leap year. can we take the extra day off?

Valentine's Day: (February 14th)

"Thank you for the chocolates. Are you gifting them to me out of social obligation, or is this an expression of affection? Your answer will influence what you receive in return."

(for the uninitiated, that is very much a thing in Japan where on valentine's day a girl give some men in her life--like coworkers--obligation chocolates, which are generally not as nice and most likely store bought, although this practice is losing ground. friends get friendship chocolate and you give people you're actually attracted to or in a relationship more extravagant, expensive, or homemade chocolates to express your true feelings or a desire to be in a relationship with them. Ritsu is essentially asking 'is this because we're coworkers or are you asking me out' because White Day is the day for return gifts in response to given valentine's day gifts, and in the case of chocolates given to someone you wanna go out with they can act as a response to that proposal. presumably if you're asking him out he wants to give you chocolate to agree to get with you, since he's bothering to ask. . . .

White Day: (March 14th)

"White Day has its roots in Japan, having been invented by a certain historic confectionery shop. With that knowledge, please accept this."

'here's some trivia. and some chocolates. we are now in a relationship. should this be as fruitful as our business partnership, we can discuss marriage plans within the year.'

April Fool's Day: (April 1st)

"The spreading of false rumors is subject to strict punishment under Article 233 of the Penal Code. Do you still intend to continue this ruse?"

NO FUN ALLOWED.

Halloween: (October 31st)

"Coercing another party to choose between a "trick" or a "treat" could amount to intimidation. Engage in such festivities at your own risk."

NO FUN ALLOWED PART TWO: ILLEGAL BOOGALOO.

Christmas: (December 25th)

"Religious freedom is guaranteed by Article 20 of the Constitution. If this is a day that you wish to celebrate, then I will accept that."

he can't make you work on religious holidays you need off!!

Idle: (about 20 seconds without interacting with the game) (below 13 affinity)

"Five seconds have elapsed. Yes, that is how long you've kept me waiting."

(13 affinity and above)

"How long do you intend to keep me waiting? As always, I am on a tight schedule today. Please hurry up."

Absent: (logging in for the first time in 2 or more days?)

"I've been expecting you, {PC}. You weren't planning on breaking your promise to me, were you?"

SUCH A HARD-WORKING, SOCIALLY INEPT LAD. But Ritsu's a lot of fun, I give him a lot of shit and i desperately need him to touch some grass and get a reality check and learn about how others live and maybe experiment. . .but like i love him for being such a little shit. he's so. . .ignorant to the rest of the world and how other people are. . .i love seeing him try and dissect other people's behavior and intentions and coming to the conclusion that they must want the same things as him because he just. . .has no grasp of interests and intentions that aren't his own. . . . It makes me facepalm but also makes me laugh 8'D good boy. quality boy.

[deadsilkmoth]

Heeey, I decided to share my Outlast Hollow Knight AU with you!! Finally yay. Basically Outlast, if it happend in HK

So, it coexists with main story of Hallownest. Murkoff were there even before Pale King, taking insipration from Radiance's hivemind. They're unlikely to be described as a tribe, more of alliance, the main idea of which is to study the power of soul and dreams. They even managed to stay "legal", performing their experiments openly, in exchange for helping Hallownest in fighting the infection. In current timeline they had to go underground. Locating in catacombs near Abyss.

PROTAGONISTS

Miles

Is an outlander bug, a traveler that survived in places worse than Hallownest. He's a chronicler,documenting everything he sees. Eventually, studying Hallownest story led him to Murkoff and then to the Asylum. Miles posses a sharpened nail made from a rock.

Possible gameplay:

Unlike canon Upshur, he's built for fighting. His gameplay style would be agressive, based on parrying. Immideate attack after parry deals double damage to the enemy. His "immortality" is justified with Soul Lantern given to him by the local Snail Shaman Martin. It can be considered a mana vessel, helping him, a non spiritual bug, to cast spells and collect souls for focus. And he's just too angry to die.

Waylon

Is a noble bug from City of Tears and a mechanic, once working for Murkoff and quickly getting demoted to variant for an attempt to contact the Chronicler. Waylon lost an eye to infection during treatment. He didn't went completely insane because of the Radiance and Walrider fighting for influence in variant's minds, leading him and everyone to waking up from their lucid nightmares. Instead of nail he wields a key,which he once used to fix Murkoff machines and unlock doors(it's both a wrench and a key)

Possible gameplay:

Waylon is unable of using spells or equipping charms. He has only one charm with lifeblood, that can't be taken off, Lisa made it for him(she's a charm maker)to keep him safe. But he can pick up spare parts to upgrade his key and create builds for it. For example upgrading range,strenght, adding silk to the coil – which replaces both mantis claw and sharp shadow. Also an ability to throw saw blades at bugs. Most enemies act passive unless attacked directly, exept bosses, so it would get more platforming oriented making his archnemesis spikes and saws. Waylon's immortality is "justified" with his soul falling into dream realm upon dying and coming back, while his body being supported with lifeblood.

Blake

Is a cicada from Outerlands of Hallownest, and he's a chronicle, too. Blake's culture possess a very different attitude towards soul magic. They never use it for fights or acts of violence. Cicadas achive perfect focus through singing and synchronizing their songs. Blake and Lynn went to investigate the colony of bugs, that are more likely to be a cult, than just a settelment. Really, pretty simillar to o2 plot, nothing too different. Exepet Blake somehow thought of getting himself a weapon from stick, and is led by Lynn's voice.

Possible gameplay:

It would be tied to sound a lot. For example, using singing lights up the corners of dark areas and spikes/enemies in them. Some blind enemies are triggered with sound. Different "spell"(scream) is used to scare away/stun enemies. Blake uses silk binds to heal himself, unable to use perfeft focus due to the broken wing.

[catboyklug]

Hit & Run

characters: Amy Rose (she/her); Metal Sonic (thinks he/it, actually she/her)

warnings: internalized ableism; hatred of amy's incredibly good home decor; mild mentions of emeto;

notes: dividers by bernardsbendystraws!

They fought, as they did almost daily now, with tooth and nail.

Metal on metal,

Skin on...

Each time they fight becomes more vicious than the last, with her training making her far stronger, and it being given new tricks.

And yet, despite that fact, neither of them ever become more than superficially damaged.

A scrape here, a scuff there, but it never is forced to limp back. She never manages to humiliate it, however hard she claims to go.

Metal isn't stupid. It knows exactly why she does this. Why she fights and refuses to hurt it. Why she tries to chat with it while it attempts to destroy her.

She wants it to be anything but what it is.

A cold, heartless, psychopathic machine.

Well, she's not getting that wish.

No matter what she-

"METAL!!!"

She falls back, propping herself up against her hammer - that last attack seems to have hit her surprisingly hard.

"I-..." she huffs, making a pathetic attempt at chatting even when kicked down, "I redecorated my house yesterday, and everybody else is too busy to hang out, so, hff..."

"DO YOU WANNA COME SLEEPOVER???"

...

On some level, Metal knows this is just another one of the many ridiculous attempts to give it pause, make it reconsider its position in the Eggman Empire. Perhaps even give her an opening for attack, if she feels so cruel.

But, even still, they can't help but simply stare blankly at her for several seconds, the fight entirely forgotten.

Taking their shock as an opening, Amy continues.

"If... If you try to break anything, I'll have to kick you out," she says, maintaining an aura of confidence even as her voice begins shaking, "And you can't bug anything, either! But... o-other than that, you can come over and stay for as long as you like."

...She's completely serious about this.

It's amazing that anyone could possibly be more naive than Sonic, but here she is, stealing his spotlight.

As idiotic as this is, it gives Metal an idea - it doesn't need to bug her house in order to learn more about her and the rest of that foolish 'Resistance'...

Considering every aspect of this, Metal can't just not accept the offer, can it?

Putting in a few more, entirely artificial, moments of 'deliberation' in, it finally nods, causing Amy to beam one of the brightest smiles it's ever seen.

If it weren't entirely inorganic, it would feel sick at the sight.

Everything about Amy Rose's home is as bright as ever. Turquoise shelves on soft orange walls lined with rainbow trinkets that look better suited for a children's coloring book than a nearly adult woman's.

But yes, even if much is the same, she did redecorate - dark, earthy tones mixed in with the brights. More contrast, more breaks for the eyes, and even several items in black.

Black candles; black sketchbooks; a beautiful art-deco black-cream-pink vase holding wildflowers.

Beautiful. Mature. Girlish. Soft... and yet, inexplicably neutral.

Not inherently tied to any gender, creed or style. All Amy's own.

Metal feels a twinge of envy...

And pushes it down.

Continuing through the house, the sensory experience only gets worse. Everything is in bright, soft colors, intentionally meant to be pleasing on the eyes - the polar opposite of the sharp shadows and harsh lighting of Eggman's many bases and factories.

Deeply uncomfortable.

If it didn't need the information here, it would leave immediately.

But, it's stuck here until the job is done.

Amy sits down on a pink-and-orange striped-cushion couch. One of the armrests has a little wooden board on it, apparently for holding books, documents, and coffee cups - at least, assumedly, considering all the coffee stains on it.

She gestures for it to sit on the chair near it, a similar coloring but with the stripes reversed. It complies.

"So..."

It's clear she's already thought of what she wants to say a hundred times over, but the sheer tension in the room makes every word come out awkward, as if she's reading from a script.

"I have a few Culpable Cog games we could play... have you played any of those before?"

It doesn't respond. It can't respond. Why is she doing this?

"Er, well... if you haven't, the latest game's pretty friendly to newer players, I think! At least, gameplay wise, it is."

She gives it a smile. It's forced - it can see the way her lip trembles a little, how the edges of her mouth look almost square - but she's still trying to talk to it.

Chat with it.

"...But, if you don't want to play a fighting game, we could do something a little more traditional?" she offers, warmth still seeping into her voice, somehow. "We could do blindfolded make-overs... oh! Or a pillow fight, maybe? Vanilla gave me a huge bag she got on sale, so we don't have to worry about running out when we break them..."

Ahhh.

There it is again.

The belief these freedom-fighters hold:

That just because they have a choice, means everyone deserves one.

They're all fools. Each and every single one of them.

To believe that someone like Metal could ever get, let alone deserve, a choice in any part of its life...

...

. . .

...Wait.

Did she say "pillow fight"?

As soon as it fully recognizes that is, indeed, what she said, it stands to attention, sitting straight up, looking straight ahead - clearly excited.

To her credit, she doesn't laugh at this sudden change of demeanor. But nothing can stop her eyes from lighting up, and it's Metal who has to restrain itself to not shrink into a ball at the sight.

(And why, why, why, why does it want that? Why shouldn't it just curl into a ball, run away, attack her, hide? Why shouldn't it-)

"Ohhh, I haven't had an honest-to-goodness pillow fight in so long!" Amy chirps, interrupting Metal's spiral, "Alright, I'll go get the pillows!! Oh, unless you want to do something else first...?"

It shakes its head in response, deeply aware of how smooth (real) the motion looks, and she grins in response.

"Alright!" she booms, pumping the air with her fist, "Go wait for me in my room, I'll be right back!"

With a tiny "yessss" she's sure Metal couldn't hear, and a genuine smile she's convinced Metal couldn't see, she runs off to her storage shed, and Metal is left alone.

She's genuine, it can't help but notice. She always has been so wonderfully genuine.

...

All that means is that when she's finally broken by the Eggman Empire, it will only be all the more satisfying.

Looking around, it notes that Amy's room is just as lovingly decorated as the rest of her home.

A beautiful, handmade and hand-carved desk sits in a corner, covered with what seems to be hundreds of comics about her and her friends. The bed is perfectly made, covered in plushies of flowers, critters, and... her friends. There's a little shelf under the window, with trinkets - rocks, letters, postcards, buttons, junk, from...her friends.

Posters of her friends.

Even figurines.

Hand-painted. Hand-drawn. Handmade.

Hardly anything produced with the precision of a machine, just the 'care' of a person.

It's as if her entire room is a monument to herself. Her likes, her interests, and the people who made her the woman she is today.

It's all so warm, and so fuzzy. As if even the cracks in the wallpaper have only love inside them.

Yet another revolting piece of the disturbing puzzle that is Amy Rose's life.

Before it can attempt to throw up without a mouth, of course, Amy rushes in, carrying a massive bag full of pillows.

How she even fit it in the door is a mystery.

"Got 'em!" she grins, "They look so fluffy... But they're solid, too! Perfect for our battle!"

It only takes a moment for her to unzip the case and drag several of the ridiculously large pillows out handing one to Metal and hugging one tightly to herself.

She's right. The pillow metal holds has a weight to it, but is still... soft.

It's almost glad it was given the ability to feel outside of its chassis, just to be able to touch it... And know she wasn't lying.

"I bet you already know the rules - you can only hit the other persons with pillows, and whoever collapses first loses," she states, matter-of-factly, "...I'm ready as soon as you are."

This is it.

It knows she's been holding out on it. Being so utterly careful as to not harm it when they spar. But this? This is far different.

It can tell she won't hold back this time.

More than excited to see her true potential, it nods.

Determined, confident, and dangerous, she nods as well.

And thusly doth the fight begin.

The start is deeply awkward, the two exchanging jabs more than blows as they attempt to figure out how they're even meant to do this.

Even with Amy's significantly deeper knowledge on the rules of sleepovers, she's never pillow-fought with someone who she could afford to be rough with... or went to any sleepovers in the last few years, truly.

And Metal...

Everything holds it back, and propels it forward.

It must destroy her, be better than her - better than Sonic and all of his friends. But.

She is squishy, and soft, and malleable. But behind that exterior is an intense strength. One that would certainly benefit the Eggman Empire.

Perhaps, instead of breaking her, it should temper her. Mold her into a perfect soldier.

So that they may continue sparring, even after its creator finally wins...

With its reasoning finally sound, it begins attacking her with more fervor, and she responds in kind.

They exchange blows, her wielding hers like a hammer, it acting as if its is a knife. Precise, stabbing motions against heavier, harder ones.

Quickly entering her spin mode, she falls back, hitting the bag with the rest of the pillows. She grabs another one, and throws it, hard.

With its superior reaction skills, it dodges, barely. There's a dull thud as the rogue pillow collides with the ceiling lamp which swings dangerously above them, but two are so pumped up on adrenaline they hardly notice.

With its guard down, she attempts to rush it- but it manages to slip her up by sliding below her and grabbing hold of her leg.

Shocked, she forgets the pillow-only rule and kicks its carapace with enough force to knock it onto its back.

She stands over it, pushing it down then whaling on it, holding nothing back in her rampage. From her point of view, she might as well have already won...

But it has a plan.

The intense amount of force she exerts in hitting it is causing it to get pushed backward. Now, it simply has to wait for her to push it to the edge of the bed, and then-

It 'raises' its arms-

She raises hers-

and

The pillows

explode

upon contact.

There is a moment of agonizing (terrifying) still, where the only noise is the hardly-audible flow of feathers in the currents caused by the carnage, then,

Amy laughs.

Her laugh is light, and warmth, and everything good, and it's so sharp and clear and wonderful it shocks Metal from fear into sheer disbelief.

It can't help but listen. Her laughter fills the room, and each curve in the walls and ceiling do nothing but amplify it, make it so that's all it can hear, all it can think about.

Sitting under her, looking up at her, it feels... a little funny.

And, even though it's probably going to hate itself for this not too long from now, it 'breathes' in.

And 'laughs' with her.

It took almost an hour to clean up, and by that time the sun was already beginning to set.

Now, the two slowly make what will be Metal's bed for the night - a large, soft matress, covered in the pillows they avoided tearing to shreads.

Metal puts covers on each of the pillows, while Amy looks through her down blankets, trying to assuage which may be the most comfortable (and durable) for it.

This day has been remarkably odd for the both of them, to say the least.

But, perhaps not every oddity or abnormality is one that absolutely must be crushed under Metal's heel.

...Yes.

It can say, for absolute certain, that this one should be allowed to flourish.

[lucifer-is-a-bag-of-dicks]

I actually used my own experiences with grief and loss in this one, I could channel it better writing from Jazz's perspective

so yeah if you thought the last two were sad-

Part 3

Jazz had never gone ghost hunting with her mother before, at least never with just the two of them. It was uncomfortable, unfamiliar, like when her only friend at a party left her alone with someone she barely knew.

Her relationship with her mother had always been intellectual in nature, they would engage in philosophical debates over the ethics and morality of the ghost hunting profession while eating dinner, the discussions became far more intense after Jazz discovered Danny's secret. She was no longer debating simply for the sake of an interesting discussion, she was trying to introduce concepts that would smooth the way for when her brother was ready to reveal his other self to them.

It was a tactic she had used successfully many years before, albeit for a far more mundane reason.

Going ghost hunting with Maddie wasn't just uncomfortable because it was unfamiliar, it wasn't even because of her ethical disagreement with her mother's tactics.

It was because her father was supposed to be here.

Maddie rarely went hunting without Jack, not if she could help it, they had always been a team, they worked perfectly in synch with one another, but Jack wasn't here. Jazz was, and his shoes just didn't fit.

Jazz didn't have to go, technically, she wasn't even trying to help with the ghost hunting part, but... she couldn't let Maddie go alone.

Maddie was coping with Jack's death far worse than anyone.

From the moment they'd returned home from the hospital, after Jack had been declared dead, Maddie had been out every day and night hunting for the Wisconsin Ghost. It didn't matter to her that he hadn't been seen since that night, it didn't matter that he had always been too powerful for anyone to take on alone.

Maddie would drive around for hours, chasing any blip on her radar and ferociously ripping into any unfortunate ghost to cross her path.

Danny had been running damage control, warning the more agreeable ghosts to stay out of Amity, capturing the rest as covertly as possible, doing everything he could to stay away from Maddie while in his ghost form.

Jazz had been the only one left to do everything else. She had turned 18 just a few months before, so thankfully she had been legally able to sign all the documentation, to plan the funeral arrangements, the cremation, the obituary. All of it, by herself.

She was grateful, in a way. It gave her something to do, something to focus on that wasn't grief, that wasn't the cold empty hole in her life. Jack's presence had always been hard to ignore, his absence even more so.

Danny had tried to help with the preparations, when he wasn't in the ghost zone or cleaning up ghosts around town. He appeared to be holding himself together okay, but Jazz knew better, she knew that the guilt was eating him up from the inside. It didn't matter how many times she reassured him that he wasn't responsible for this, that he wasn't to blame, it made no difference.

It was only when Jazz had run out of tasks to do that she let herself cry.

She knew that sitting around was only going to make her feel worse, she couldn't let herself stew in her grief, she needed a purpose to pull her through. So she joined her mother on her feverish hours long hunts.

It was escapism, she knew that, for both of them. To Maddie, the hunting was something else to focus on so she could ignore her grief, it gave her a sense of control and purpose. Jazz was using looking out for her mother as her own distraction, her own grasp for purpose and control.

She knew these things, and she knew they were not entirely healthy, but she didn't know what else to do.

If this were anyone else she would have told them to seek out professional therapy, go to grief counselling, practice radical acceptance, to use visualisation exercises and grounding techniques to manage intrusive thoughts. Vengeance and fury weren't a healthy release, they would only build, they would only lead to more pain.

But her books hadn't prepared her for something like this, how could she seek help from someone she can't tell the whole truth? How could she grieve in peace when the justice system couldn't touch her father's murderer? He was still out there, he was still a threat. It was only a matter of time before he started working his way into Maddie's good graces, shamelessly emboldened by his successful assassination.

Jazz was furious when Danny insisted they keep Vlad's identity a secret. She understood where he was coming from. Her mother was struggling enough as it was, Jazz couldn't imagine what it would do to her to find out that it had been her husband's best friend all this time. That he had murdered Jack because he wanted her, the guilt alone would be soul crushing, and then there was the certainty that Vlad would reveal Danny's identity in return.

She couldn't even imagine...

Jazz was still angry, angry that Danny had to be the one to say it, angry that he was right, angry that he could be so rational while inside she was falling to pieces. She knew better, she knew how much he was hurting on the inside too, she knew that he was just good at hiding it, much better than she was.

She was still angry, but they both knew she wasn't angry at him.

When she got up that morning, her mother had been in the lab, her weaponry was getting more dangerous, less capture oriented and more destructive. Jazz wasn't sure if working down there was better than the hunting or worse, but at least no unsuspecting ghosts were getting torn to pieces.

Jazz had witnessed a few first-hand, it was bad enough seeing it happen to the formless, barely sentient poltergeists, she didn't want to know what a true spirit would look like, being eviscerated with such malice. She imagined a ghost like Johnny, laying on the ground with chunks ripped from his-

No, no that wasn't helpful, that was an intrusive thought, she needed to acknowledge its presence and move on, it didn't help her, let it go, like leaves on a string, let it go...

It would be back later, she knew.

Her breakfast was suddenly incredibly unappealing, not that that was anything new. She wouldn't be surprised if she'd lost weight over the last week, her clothes already felt just a little too loose.

A sudden and intense pang of longing hit her fast and hard, she missed him. It had only been a week and she already missed him so much. She just wanted him to wrap his big arms around her and hold her close and dig his chin into her hair in that way that annoyed her and tell her everything was okay Jazzypants and... and he was the only one who ever called her that. She hated it. She'd never hear it again...

She pushed her bowl of cereal away and stood, her eyes burning. She had to find something else to do, to keep her mind busy.

She went around the living room, clearing the coffee table and fluffing the pillows, there was a stain on the lounge, probably from a bit of fudge-

The curtains were looking dusty, they could probably use a clean, would they fit in the washing machine or would they need to be hand washed?

She'd started trying to unhook them from the curtain rod when the lab door banged open loudly, Jazz jumped, startled. She ran to the kitchen to find her mother in tears, hand over her mouth like she was trying to hold it all back. Jazz wrapped her arms around her and Maddie grasped onto her tight, like she was afraid she would be snatched away at a moment's notice.

Jazz rocked slightly and ran a hand up and down her mother's back comfortingly as they each cried into the other's shoulder. Maddie hadn't cried like this since the first night, Jazz recognised it as a good sign, she was letting herself feel again.

"Where is he?" Maddie stammered, "W-where'd he go, where'd he go?"

Jazz just squeezed tighter, it was a difficult question for someone who studied the dead for a living, to wonder what happened after. They were never a religious family, being raised by scientists there was never talk of a heaven or hell, just the ghost zone, what lay beyond that was a mystery to them all, even the ghosts.

She sniffed, she could feel tears clinging to her eyelashes, and an odd itch to her scalp.

"Jazz?" Danny's voice echoed down the stairs.

She heard Danny come into the room behind her, he made an odd sound, a quick and quiet intake of breath. Was he trying not to cry? Jazz hadn't seen him cry once, not since he was dragged off of Vlad that night, bruised knuckles dripping red. They were tears of fury then, she would never forget the sound of Danny's ragged screams as he pummelled Vlad into the ground, despite all the hands trying to pull him off the man.

Vlad had simply taken the beating, he'd use it later, she knew. He would forgive Danny, say it that he deserved it for failing to fight off that terrible awful Wisconsin Ghost when it overshadowed him. He would say it was all his fault, that he deserved all that pain and more, he was oh so sorry.

And Maddie would forgive him, because it wasn't his fault, it was that awful awful ghost. Vlad could never do something so terrible to his best friend. Vlad would always be welcome in their home, and welcome he would make himself. Jazz could see it all, and she could do nothing about it.

Danny placed a hand on his mother's shoulder. "Maybe you should do another lap around town, you might find something today." he pressed his head close to hers and spoke softly into her frazzled hair.

Jazz glanced at Danny with narrow eyes, annoyed and confused, their mother was finally making progress, and Danny was going to send her right back to her fruitless obsessive search for vengeance? He had to know it wasn't helpful, he had to.

He looked at her, wide eyed and thin lipped as he gave a quick jerk of the head and flick of the eyes to the front door. He wanted Maddie out of the house, for what reason Jazz didn't know and obviously couldn't ask, but she trusted her brother and did as she was told. Something was going on, but she would have to ask Danny about it later.

The day was warm and only a little humid, they drove with the windows down. Jazz enjoyed the wind on her face, she did not enjoy the silence.

It stretched on, unbroken by the radar as Danny's patrol earlier in the dawn had swept the town clean of ghost activity. It looked like Jazz wouldn't be watching another massacre today, she couldn't be more relieved.

"It's been quiet." Maddie said, out of the blue.

"Huh? Oh, yeah. Guess it has," Jazz paused, "maybe you scared them all off?"

"They should be scared." Maddie's tone was low, threatening. If Jazz were a ghost she would be terrified.

There was more quiet, they passed the local park, the sound of kids playing and birds singing were loud for a few moments, until the trees disappeared into the distance behind them and the quiet returned.

"Haven't seen much of Phantom either." Maddie spat. "I'm surprised he hasn't shown up to gloat."

Pain shot through Jazz like an arrow, she would have to warn Danny to make extra sure to stay out of their mother's way, she was very clearly ready to shift a whole lot of misplaced aggression directly onto him.

She considered challenging her mother's assumption, but thought it best not to provoke her right now. Instead she merely hummed an acknowledgment.

They drove past the school, empty for the summer. Jazz's final exams had only just ended before her father's birthday, but she had missed graduation. She didn't want to go without him there, she was supposed to give a speech, she was too busy writing a eulogy.

They passed a group of people she knew from school, they gave her a little wave. Despite Jack's notoriety, everyone had been sad to hear the news, they'd sent a giant card around the school and everyone she knew had signed it, including the teachers, and everyone in Danny's year too. Mr Lancer brought it to the house with an enormous bouquet, he couldn't convince the school to pay for one so he bought it out of his own pocket.

Jazz had gotten texts and private messages, all saying they were here for her if she ever needed to talk. She responded to most of them, but sometimes she just sent a heart emoji. It was easier than writing the same thank you message over and over. She didn't take any of them up on the offer.

The drive wasn't too bad honestly, without any ghosts showing up it was almost relaxing. Maddie hadn't said much else other than a few observations about the traffic or the weather. When Jazz suggested getting some lunch Maddie had opted to use the Nasty Burger drive through so they could eat in the van. Jazz was grateful, she didn't want to run into anyone else from school.

Her phone buzzed, it was Danny sending her a thumbs up, they were safe to go home.

"We should probably head home." Jazz suggested, slurping the last of her drink. "We've been all over town, there's nothing here."

Maddie grit her teeth but revved up the van and turned toward FentonWorks.

As soon as they were through the door Maddie headed to the lab, presumably to drown herself in more work. Jazz headed up the stairs where Danny waited for her.

"What's going on?" she asked.

Danny shushed her looking over her shoulder down the stairs.

"It's fine she's in the lab," Jazz reassured him, "what's going on?"

He didn't answer, just grabbed her wrist and pulled her toward his room, closing the door behind them and locking it.

"I'm going to try something," he said, crossing the room to stand before her, "But I think you should sit down first."

Jazz frowned but she sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Is this about Vlad? Did he come here?" A rush of heat spilled over her face, "If that son of a bitch tried anything I'll-"

"Jazz it's fine, it's not Vlad, it's fine." Danny breathed, running a hand through his hair nervously. "It's just, I'm trying something but I need you here to tell me if it works, okay?"

He nibbled his lip anxiously but he also seemed... almost excited about something. Had he developed a new power?

Jazz nodded and paid close attention as Danny took a few steps back and put a hand up, palm facing to the side and away from himself, his fingers curled slightly as if grabbing for something.

He took a deep breath and the heat of the summer air chilled, a trail of green mist flowed over his hand and began to form a shape in the air beside him.

Almost immediately as it began to form Jazz knew.

She leapt to her feet to stand before the large figure revealing itself gradually before her, when the mist crept over a square jaw and close cropped haircut she threw her hands over her mouth to stifle her gasping breaths.

"Dad." she breathed, she reached for him but didn't dare touch, afraid that she would ruin the illusion. Was he here? Was he real? She looked to Danny but his eyes were closed, face scrunched in concentration. He peeked at her for a moment, his grimace lifting into a strained smile.

"It's him." said Danny, through gritted teeth, "Say hi."

Jazz cried as Jack lifted a hand toward her face, he was still a translucent shimmering green, but she was certain she could see tears on his face. He mouthed words that she couldn't hear, but she knew them all the same.

Hey Jazzypants.

She was sobbing hard as she grasped the hand cupping her face, her fingers went right through it, but she could feel it, like she could feel his palm against her cheek. It was cold, and so light it almost tickled, but she could feel it.

She tried again, very gently feeling for that slight resistance to the air and holding her hand against it, she couldn't touch him for real, she couldn't hold him, but she could feel him. That was enough.

"I missed you dad." She smiled through her tears, "I missed you so much."

His features were still hard to make out, but it was clear he was smiling, he mouthed more words.

"Sorry, I can't hear you." said Jazz, sadly.

"He says he liked the obituary." Danny grunted, eyes still squeezed shut. "He knew you wrote it, he could tell."

Jazz laughed, it was only a little hysterical. Danny's hand trembled against Jack's arm. Jazz wanted to tell him he could stop now, but she didn't want her dad to go, not yet.

She raised her hands to cup his face, only just feeling the whisper of a few bristles on his chin. She didn't know what to say, what could she say?

"I'm so glad you're here," she said quietly with as much feeling as she could, "but, why are you here? You said you'd never... you'd never..."

Jack said nothing, but glanced over to Danny, whose hair had started streaking with white and glinting with crystalline shards of ice.

"Don't get to choose." He growled, his voice sounded distorted, his jaw clenched so hard Jazz could hear his teeth grinding, "Happens or it doesn't."

Danny's lips were pulled back in a pained snarl and were turning blue, his canines were sharpening as blinding flashes of green slipped from beneath his eyelids. A large puff of opaque mist rolled from his mouth upon each laboured exhale.

Jazz gave her father a careful hug, trying to lean into him without falling through.

"We're gonna figure this out dad I promise we're gonna figure it out."

She could feel his arms around her, the slight pressure reminding her of being buffeted by a strong gust of wind.

Danny took that as his cue, he pulled his hand back with a ragged cry and Jack's misty green form dissipated like smoke in a breeze.

Jazz stared into the empty space her dad's face had only just filled moments ago.

"Is he still here?" She asked, voice trembling.

"Yuh- yeah," Danny huffed, he was bent over, catching his breath. "I can suh- still see him, and hear him."

He stood straight as he pulled in a deep lungful of air. Then he laughed, a rough, exhausted laugh, but a laugh nonetheless.

"I'm so glad that worked, oh Ancients. I'm gonna need a minute." he crashed onto the bed face down.

"What exactly did you do?" Jazz asked, eyes still locked on the space where Jack had been, and presumably was still, standing.

"Dad only just formed a consciousness this morning," Danny grumbled into his bedding. "He's still warm, hasn't manifested a core yet. I just loaned him some energy."

"Still warm?" Jazz turned her nose up at the phrase.

"Yeah, it's uh, ghost slang. Means freshly dead, y'know like the body's still-"

"Yeah yeah I get it," Jazz waved a hand dismissively. "Gross."

"That's what dad said."

"Yeah! Because it's gross!"

Danny laughed, but it was barely more than a breathy huff. Jazz eyed him carefully, he was a little more pale than usual, there were bags beneath his eyes, his cheeks were a little hollow and his lips were still tinged with blue. All his usual signs of overexertion, but other than that he looked relatively okay.

"Why was it so exhausting?" Jazz asked. "I would've thought you'd have more than enough energy to share, especially for something as simple as visibility."

"Amount isn't the issue." Danny raised a finger pointedly, "Simple is the issue, imagine trying to fill a water balloon with a fire hose."

Jazz balked.

"Wait, that sounds unbelievably dangerous!" Jazz glared at Danny and then back at the empty room, "What happens to dad if you lose control?"

Danny groaned and flipped himself over onto his back, an arm flung over his eyes.

"Don't get mad at me it was his idea." Danny glared at the empty space for a beat before barking, "Was too!"

Jazz rolled her eyes, "Oh my god you are both children." She turned to Danny and pointed a thumb over her shoulder, "I can't hear him so you're going to have to tell me, what would happen to him if you lost control?"

Danny pressed his lips together and muttered guiltily, "He... could'a destabilised."

"He WHAT?!"

"I told you it was his idea!"

"I don't care whose idea it was!" Jazz alternated between glaring at Danny and at the space behind her. "You're both idiots for trying something so risky! There wasn't some way to practice?!"

"What do think we were doing while you were gone!" Danny exclaimed, "Also he's standing over there now, he moved so he wouldn't feel like you were yelling at him."

Jazz planted a hand over her face, and shook her head in disbelief, she didn't know whether to laugh or cry, her dad had been back for not even ten minutes and she was already yelling at him.

She spluttered a choked up giggle, wiping her eyes and sniffling.

"God I missed you dad." Jazz said, before she started bawling.

[lachimolala0713]

And I Still Love You | Chapter I

Summary | He hurt you and yet you still love him. He treat you like nothing yet you still want to stay with him. He loathe you very much and yet you want to please him. What happens when the time comes he might kill you?

Genre | Angst, Drama, Smut

Main Characters | Jungkook x Reader ft. Donghae & Taehyung

Supporting Characters | Eunhyuk & Hoseok

Author's Note | I want to thank my co-ARMY Pied Piper and the future readers of this story!

Your mouth is bleeding from Jungkook's hard slap on your face, your right eye turned purple already because of his punch and your arms had red and purple marks from his strong grip on you.

"I'm sorry!" you plead, "Why are you so stupid?! You stepped on my shoe and now it's dirty!" your husband yelled. "I have an important meeting with a big client today!" he continued and you keep on crying and asking him to forgive you. He smirk and click his tongue and left your house, leaving you in pain.

You and Jungkook are married - arranged marriage. You were together for 3 years. Both your families are wealthy and Jungkook's father wanted his only son to get married as soon as possible for a stronger relationship and future of their business. When Jungkook first saw you he find you very beautiful and suitable to be the future mother of your children someday. Jungkook's dream is to have a family and he saw that with you. He learned to love you and you felt the same way, you get along with each other and when both of you were ready, you made love.

A miracle happened that you never knew. You felt the difference and changes in your body but you ignored it. You thought you were just eating too much that you felt bloated, you were just emotionally stressed due to work and you are used to your period being delayed for months since your menstruation cycle is irregular. Until one day, you went snow skiing by yourself while Jungkook is in business trip. You were enjoying that day because you always love pushing your boundaries.

Until it went too far.

You were going down rapidly, you panicked, you lost your balance and you tripped over rock. You were rolling along the slope very fast and suddenly your abdomen landed on another rock and it caused a massive impact and gave you a tremendous pain which made you scream your lungs out.

You were unconscious when you were rushed to the ER near the location, the nurse got your details and contacted Jungkook. Jungkook cut his business trip and quickly booked a VIP flight to see you. He was worried and anxious. His heart is wrenching from pain by thinking how you were.

Jungkook arrived at the hospital you were in and the attending approached him, "How's my wife, doctor?" Jungkook asked, he's trembling, waiting for the doctor's response. "Your wife is safe, Mr. Jeon." the doctor said, "Oh thank god!" He breathed in relief, until he noticed something’s wrong, the doctor sighed heavily and looked at Jungkook in the eye, "What is it?" Jungkook wondered, "We couldn't save the baby, Mr. Jeon." the doctor finally said. Jungkook was shocked, tears fell from his eyes and he took a moment to absorb the news. "Wait, she's pregnant?" He asked, the doctor nodded, "She's 8 weeks pregnant." The doctor confirmed, "Oh my god!" Jungkook breathed, covering his face with his hands and looking down to hide his pain after hearing the news, "The impact made a severe damage which caused a lot of bleeding. With the severe damage in the tissues and nerves on her abdomen..." The doctor paused, Jungkook looked at the doctor while he's breathing heavily, "I'm afraid she won't be able to have a baby anymore." The doctor said, making Jungkook cry even more.

He can't handle the thought of not having a child with you. A family he's been dreaming to have with you, is now gone.

Jungkook went to the recovery room where you were checked in. You were sleeping soundly, he looked at you, stared at you, his sadness turned into anger. He's frustrated at the situation and at the same time, he's angry at you. He never got the chance to witness your first pregnancy test, your first checkup, your first ultrasound image of the baby. And he will never experience any of those because of your recklessness. He loves you but he can't feel it anymore. All he feels about you now is anger and rage.

The next day, you finally woke up in the hospital bed and you saw Jungkook staring at you intensely. "Jungkook..." You said, you squirmed from the pain because of your sudden movement, and Jungkook is just staring at you, not comforting or helping you from getting up. "What are you-", "You were pregnant." Jungkook cut you off and you were shocked by his cold tone and from what you've just heard. "I-I-I didn't-" you stuttered, "You didn't know?!" Jungkook raised his voice, and you flinched, "How stupid are you?! You didn't felt it?!" He shouted and you were breathing heavily by his reaction, you shook your head giving him a 'No' answer, "You'll never get pregnant because of the accident." And on that moment, tears fell from Jungkook's eyes again. His eyes showed pain, sorrow, sadness and disappointment. "You're a disappointment, Y/N." He said and he left the room.

That's where it all started. Jungkook became cold to you, he always shouts at you, he gets angry at you in small things and for the first time he started to hit you. His anger and rage towards you took over the love he felt for you. You became nothing to him. A nuisance. As much as he wanted to divorce you, he can't. His parents won't let him and same goes for you, for the sake of their businesses your marriage must stand even if it fell apart.

You lost the urge to go to work today but you have to. You get up and fix yourself. You massage your eye with ice to lessen the purple color around it and then you cover it with lots of foundation and concealer. You were about to leave, you received a text message from your sweet older brother, Donghae.

NEMO: How's my sweet sister? Can I visit you at your office today?

Your eyes are getting watery after reading his message. Donghae loves you so much that he's the only one in your family you lean onto. You send him a reply.

Y/N: Of course you can! I can't wait to see you! :)

Donghae arrive at your office, "Hey, there she is!" He greeted happily, "Hey!" You greet him back and he give you a big hug. He let go to take a look at you and he didn’t expect to see those marks on your face, "What happened to you?" He worried, "Nothing." You lied, "Y/N, I know you. You love Jungkook but I can see he doesn't feel the same way to you anymore." Your brother said, he began searching for more bruises on your body, he check your arms, legs, hands and neck. "You could just leave his place and stay married to him if that’s what’s bothering you." Donghae said, "I know." You said, and you can't contain the tears falling from your eyes. "I don't want to leave him, Donghae. I just can't." You break down on your knees on the floor in front of your brother and all he could do is hold you tight. "I'm always here for you." He said, and his voice is so gentle and soothing that it gave you comfort and you hold onto that comfort as your anchor from the pain you're feeling right now.

Your sobs slowly quiet down but Donghae notice you're not moving, he try to wake you but you're not waking up. He lift your face to check up on you, you were pale, your lips are dehydrated and your body temperature is cold.

"Oh my god, Y/N!" Your brother panicked. "Call an ambulance!" He shouted and your executive assistant rush to your office and find you lifeless in your brother's arm, "Hurry!" He said to your executive assistant, and she quickly get a phone call.

The ambulance arrive and they put you on the gurney and they quickly take you to the vehicle. Donghae is by your side inside the vehicle and he hold your hand. "Please hurry." He beg to the medical team and he didn't realize he was crying already just by looking at your current state.

There’s a knock on the door in Jungkook’s office, “Come in.” he’s executive assistant enters his office, “What is it, Hoseok?” Jungkook asked, “It’s your wife, Mr. Jeon.” Hoseok said, Jungkook continue reading the documents he needs to finish and sign for work, he sigh heavily, long silence irritates him. He put down the documents on his desk and look at Hoseok, “What does she want? Can’t you see I’m -” “She’s rushed to the hospital.” Hoseok cut him off, Jungkook wasn’t expecting this kind of news especially he is focusing at work, he swallow thickly, trying to absorb what he just heard, “What did you say?” Jungkook asking Hoseok for clarification. “I received a call from the hospital, that your wife was rushed to the hospital.” Hoseok clarified. Jungkook’s hands are trembling as he took the documents to distract him, “Okay. Thank you. You can go now.” he said and Hoseok leaves his office.

You were sleeping peacefully in the recovery room, Donghae is by your side, watching over you. The doctor comes in, Donghae stands up to talk to the doctor, “Hello, I’m Doctor Lee Hyuk-jae.” the doctor greeted, “Hello, I’m her brother, Donghae. How is she?” your brother asked, “She’s okay now don’t worry.” the doctor reassured, “She experienced hematoma from her bruises. She’s dehydrated and I can tell she’s going in a lot of stress. She’s underweight and from the looks of it, she’s not eating properly.” the doctor explained. Donghae look at you and he’s beginning to worry of your situation at your home with Jungkook. “Doctor, can I talk to you outside?” he gently asked, “Sure.”

Donghae and the doctor are in the hall outside your room, “She has a husband.” Donghae mentioned and he continue, “He beats her like a toy.”, Donghae brush his hair with his hands and sighed heavily, “If this happens again, what will happen to her?” the doctor clear his throat, “With her current state, not just mentally but physically, she might not handle it if the beating gets out of hand.” the doctor said and Donghae nodded. “Thank you, Doctor.”

All your brother can think of is to get a lawyer to get a restraining order against your husband, so he can take you home and take care of you. Give you the proper care you need and do his obligation as your brother.

It’s almost evening, Jungkook arrive at the hospital you’re checked in. “I’m looking for patient Jeon Y/N.” the nurse check what room you are in, “May I know your relationship to her?” the nurse asked, “I’m her husband.” Jungkook said, “She’s in room 715.”

Jungkook open the door to your room and he sees you sleeping. He comes to your bedside and sees how peacefully you are resting. The door opens and the nurse enters the room, “Good evening.” the nurse greeted and walks towards you to check your vital signs and breathing, “Um...how is she?” Jungkook asked the nurse, “Right now she’s stable. She just needs a proper rest.” 

“Is her doctor here?” Jungkook asked, “Doctor Lee Hyuk-jae is currently in surgery but I can page him for you. May I know your relationship to his patient so I can address you to him properly?” the nurse asked, “I’m her husband.” Jungkook said. 

Moments after, Doctor Hyuk-jae enters your room. “Good evening, doctor.” your husband greeted, “Good evening.” Doctor Hyuk-jae greeted back, “May I know your concern regarding your wife’s condition?” he asked, “What happened to her?” Jungkook asked while looking at you sleeping, Doctor Hyuk-jae explained to your husband your condition when you arrived at the ER this morning and how your health is affected by stress and depression. 

Jungkook just listened while looking at you and when Doctor Hyuk-jae is finish explaining of what happened to you, tears falls from your husband’s eyes.

That’s it for ‘And I Still Love You’ Chapter One. Thank you for reading and I hope you like it! 

[itsmeanyango]

THE SUN IN VIRGO IN THE HOUSES(SUN TRANSIT IN THE HOUSES)

So incase you guys don't know, the sun is malefic and that's what we are going to talk about on the last day of Leo season which is Sunday and the Sun is Leos ruling planet.

Virgo season starts tomorrow and this is what you need to know.

Virgo is a dual sign, the M and the fish at the tail. To me, it means Mother (the M) and child(the fish). Virgo represents facts and order. The Sun is how you see yourself. Most of the things I mention below are going to be your own doing.

If this does not resonate with you its okay, this is a general interpretation which has not taken into consideration every single persons birth chart. But these are the themes you are bound to meet.

I will expound more on my Patreon, join to support me. Thank you in advance.

The first house is the house of first impressions. Virgo in the first house means you come off as very orderly and well put together. The Sun transiting Virgo first house means people may see you as the person with facts and very organized during Virgo season(when the sun is in Virgo). The sun will be highlighting you in peoples eyes. You may feel like everyone has got their eyes on you, they probably do because you are acting jittery. If you make a mistake, everyone will know(or in your head you will convince yourself that everyone knows). If you do something good even if you are unaware of it, it wont go unnoticed. You may feel heavily scrutinized by the public or be in a place where everyone is checking your work ethic. Peoples expectations of you may feel like your hand is in fire but you can't remove it.

The second house is the house of your money and survival needs. The sun transiting Virgo in the second house may mean if you are not organized then all your sources of income or survival will be burnt and you will have nothing left. Always save up and in different accounts! I bet people who had this transit before the pandemic began found themselves spending a lot of money or losing money. They may have also had a boost but failed to save so when the pandemic was made official in the news, they were struggling!

The third house is the house of communication. The Sun transiting third house Virgo means your communication may be taken the wrong way. Virgo is ruled by Mercury, Mercury rules communication and is in this house. Virgo as mentioned is a dual sign! What you intend to say may not be received but instead the opposite will. Be very very clear in communication, do not use ambiguity and do not leave room for guesswork! We are in a very digital age! If you are not clear with your communication get what will happen to you online? Your image will be tarnished, burned!

The fourth house is the house of roots, it also represents home. Everyone has their own definition of home. Sun transiting Virgo in the fourth house means you need to be careful making a home purchase if you have this transit as you may get scammed! You may also fail to follow all the procedures for the purchase. You may still buy the home but fail to notice certain things and now your dream of owning a beautiful home is burned! You may also burn very important bridges or have important bridges burnt that are related to your roots due to the discovery of certain factual information. This house is ruled by Cancer(a water sign), so you better check the drainage and water supply in the area you want to purchase a house/home in. Also find out the rains in the area because they might just sweep your house away. You may want to avoid having a house in a valley or near a water body.

The fifth house is the house of romance, love affairs, fertility and self expression. The Sun transiting Virgo in the fifth house means that you may find yourself nitpicking on matters related to this house. You may be doing everything robotically or 'scientifically'. You may act like you have OCD when it comes to dealing with the matters of this house. Rest, don't be so calculative.

The sixth house is the house of health, fitness and organization(order). This is Virgos house. The Sun transiting a Virgo sixth house means that your schedules will be on fire. You may put too much on your plate or insist that you must change your whole life in this month because you want to become a better you. You want to rush the process. So you enroll yourself into gym, you create a packed daily schedule that you force yourself to follow from morning till bed time, you change your diet or suddenly change your routines. Burnout will catch up with you and you may end up spiraling backward. Unless you have an intercepted house, Virgo sixth house means you have a Libra seventh house. If we look at it the Sun transit way, you won't be able to regain balance. You may start overcompensating. However, you probably have another planet in your seventh house which may be beneficial to you. Take things one step at a time.

The seventh house is the house of Relationships and contracts. All types of relationships and not just romantic. The Sun transiting a Virgo 7th house means you need to be very careful of the contracts you sign and relationships you get into because they have the potential to burn you or you them. Use facts and not assumptions or first impressions that look good. First impressions of the matters in this house may be very attractive like gold they end up blinding you.

The eighth house is the house of merging. Anything that is joint is here. Joint is also shared. So whatever you have joint ownership, CUSTODY or partnership of is under highlight over here. The Sun transiting Virgo eighth house may mean: Please keep your legal documents very safe away from fire and water! If you have any critical information as a softcopy, back it up and back it up and back it up more! Keep records!!!!! These records will save you when you are about to be drowned(the 8th house is a water house) in boiling(Sun) water! Triple check your documents, do not let just anyone see them because you never know who wants to get you. The most innocent of souls could be the one to get you! Like your child may accidentally spoil your computer/phone/USB stick/external storage. Be careful around water. Keep your hardcopy documents in waterproof packaging.

The ninth house is the house of travel, higher learning, ethics, and critical/fast thinking. The sun transit ninth house Virgo means you need to have the right documents on matters related to this house. If you have many or any assignments to submit at school, do them very well. No plagiarism at all, this assignments can either break or make your life during this transit. Double check your travel documents especially your covid tests and certificates. Ensure you have carried them when travelling. If you are applying to schools(University mostly), please please check the percentage of OPEN SOURCES THE SCHOOL OFFERS otherwise when doing your thesis you will have a very very difficult time. If possible, visit the school environment and see if it is worth it, some school environments are tough especially for students who will be looking for housing near school. Research on the countries you want to visit, please stop going to countries where minorities are suffering because of tourists due to increase spread of the virus and pollution. Be kind. Find out if your ethics are really ethical, you may be very oppressive with your ethics.

The tenth house also called Medium Coeli(MC) or Midheaven, is the house of career, long term goals, structure, experts and father. The Sun transiting Virgo tenth house means someone may be excited to become a dad. Someone might be looking into paternity because they either feel skeptical that the child they are raising is not theirs or their father is not their biological dad as they have been made to believe. I like saying that the tenth house is what they mean by 'things that have been put together in heaven, no man can put asunder', so do not force things or interfere with things in this house. Just do your part and leave the rest otherwise you will be wasting your time and energy. During this transit you may feel like everything is falling into place but you may need to think twice. Virgo is facts and order, do you really have the facts or you think you do and you are just going with it? You may be thinking that things are meant to be, everything may be looking real good right now or real harsh right now when they aren't. Go back to the drawing board and check that your facts are not twisted.

The eleventh house is the house of groups, friends, humanitarianism, technology and the future. The Sun transiting Virgo eleventh house may mean your social circles and activities need vetting. Do you really know these people or do you think you know them? For some, you may not even need to do the evaluation because things will happen in your life that shows you who these people really are. You will need to be very specific about any pieces of technology you buy during this transit, research on it. Then go to reputational shops to buy and not just anywhere that claims to sell. CHECK AND KEEP THE WARANTY. Scan and print receipts because they fade, scan and print the warranty too. Keep soft copies of the warranty and receipts. Take a video of you unboxing the technology so you can catch any damages on camera and return it with proof that it was not your mishandling(this is if the business delivered it to you otherwise they can say you damaged it while transporting it). Check that your anti virus(not those free ones, they are fake. Buy a legit anti virus) is up to date and you do not have any security threats. If you love yourself, please stop clicking ads, stop allowing people to plug anything into your PC, TURN OFF BLUETOOTH DISCOVERABILITY, stop using public WIFI and please close all tabs and running apps when on zoom (or any other such platform)because when you share screen you may not know that your information is out for everyone to see-some of which may be very sensitive-. How humanitarian are you? And do you do things humanitarian in a human way or analytical way just because its what needs/has to be done? You may need to significantly drop the statistics and analytical things when dealing with people face to face. What is your plan for the future? Revisit it and make the necessary changes. If you have none, start writing down one.

The twelfth house is the house of endings, spirituality, dreams and the subconscious. The Sun transit Virgo twelfth house may mean that you need to have detailed end of life plans, pay for them now or start saving up for them now. It doesn't matter if you are just 18, start. What do you need to let go of? Your sick relative who is willing to go but waiting for you to let go of them? A friendship? A job? A house? Unhealthy eating habits? Unhealthy coping mechanisms? Several things you are hoarding? Write down things that need letting go of then start letting go of them bit by bit this month. Have you been doing things subconsciously? Start recording them, you may need to see something. Like a pattern which may be as a result of trauma or your instincts getting stronger or something else. You may need to stop looking at spirituality like a science experiment. You may not find the facts you are looking for but it does not mean people who are spiritual are lost. You may however, find that some things just do not make sense because they conflict each other. Someone may be starting to learn something spiritual. Your dreams, write the down even if they do not make sense.

These are the messages I am able to channel, I have been writing for over an hour. It is 20.22(which is cumulative numerology 6 and Virgo is the 6th Zodiac sign) EAT right now. I have written this through two Horas! I hope this helped.

[goodbysunball]

Bring it on home

Comparatively easy listening from the set of records showcased this time around, but there's a world of grief settin' your jaw to grind. You deserve a neck massage and a cocktail; lean into these after you put your misery rectangle aside for a spell.

Astute Palate, s/t (Petty Bunco)

Emily Robb, David Nance, Daniel Provenzano, and Richie Charles got together and hammered out this LP during "48 sleepless hours" in Philadelphia. It's definitely a fairly rough documentation, but if you know the players, that's generally what you'd be gettin' into with 'em anyway. Gotta admit that I'm not a huge fan of what I've heard by David Nance - respect his hustle, though - and the same goes for the tracks he leads here; in particular, the studied classic rock caterwaul employed on "Stall Out" basically rolls my eyes for me. I am, however, fond of David Nance the Guitarist and his heroics on "Stall Out," and "A Little Proof" definitely has me more curious about his recent solo work I've skipped. These are pithy grievances, though: the album rules, as a whole, but it's just hard to stomach some of Nance's lyrics when they're side-by-side with bonafide jammers like "Bring It On Home" and "Treadin' Schuylkill." "Bring It On Home," in particular, with its Velvets-inspired chug and Robb's bleary vocals coolly beckoning you to do as the title says, heats to a boil with the blustery, fried guitar interplay. For me it wipes the floor with anything else on the album, and pretty much anything else I'll hear this year, so let's put all my petty complaints aside and declare this the Summer of Astute Palate, OK? Looks like the secret's out - the LP's sold out from the source, but can be found hiding in various distros and shops. Hunt it down, crack a tallboy, and embrace the sweltering heat of our melting planet with Astute Palate.

Maraudeur, Puissance 4 (self-released)

New and best LP yet from Leipzig's Maraudeur, self-released with some of the best packaging/artwork I've seen in a minute. My memory's usually a bit faulty, but I recall the band being a three-piece on their last, still very good LP from Bruit Direct Disques. I'm inclined to think that the group's ranks have swelled to five anyway, since the sound here is a bit more bright and full, lots of different moving parts zipping and moving around, giving the crisp recording some effervescence. Compared to older songs like "Computer Dreams," Maraudeur sounds sharper, capable of backing up any threats rather than coming across as deflated and listless. Even the slower songs on Puissance 4, such as "Slow Dress," thrive on tension, guitar strings set to snap amidst the robotic/hypnotic vocals. The band seems to have located a sweet spot between the simmering minimalism of Household and the technologically damaged vision of Chrome, and "TWYWYS" basically sounds like a collaboration between the two groups. Guitars are used as window dressing, favoring instead synths and showcasing the chops of the rhythm section. "Face/Figure" and my favorite track "C'est Caché" are the best examples of Maraudeur's rhythmic foundation, but nearly every track causes inadvertent head bobbing. While accessible and familiar on the surface, Maraudeur's dry humor, the carefully camouflaged layers of sound, and whatever is going on in "I Am Here" keep boilerplate post-punk comparisons at bay. Puissance 4 is a refreshing, addictive brew from the not-too distant future, and probably a blast to experience live.

Astrid Øster Mortensen, Gro Mig En Blomst (Förlag För Fri Musik)

New Gothenburg talent alert! Mortensen is apparently a newcomer to the scene, and her debut LP fits in nicely amongst the Förlag För Fri Musik discography. Gro Mig En Blomst features lonely and debased late-night solo explorations with guitar, piano and what sounds like an accordion, accented by electronic manipulations and the found sound that accompanies most FFFM records. It's dreary and stark, and can quickly bring the mood down when it's on. For me the most obvious reference point is Grouper's Ruins, in that both are recordings so intimate that it feels like an interruption to move while it's on. But I also get bits of Picastro's Whore Luck ("Hvor Kommer Mørket Fra?" sounds like it was plucked directly from that album), and there are similarities to Chloe Alison Escott's solo work, on the title track and "Piano i" and "Piano ii." Gro Mig En Blomst is a far cry from more traditional singer-songwriter music, dabbling in Stars of the Lid-like drone on "Brud ii" and jumping into the "Is there a record on or...?" genre on "Solen Er Et Lille Hus" and "Brud i." I can't say I go out looking for records this fragile and surface-level bleak anymore, but Mortensen's work is more often beautiful and calming than hopelessly gray. Another keeper from FFFM, sure to be one of the most sought-after records from the label, and for good reason.

Nightshift, Zöe (Trouble In Mind)

Travel back in time with me, if you will, to a time when "indie rock" was a genre label that had some meaning. After getting rid of the bad taste in my mouth and shaking off the embarrassment at who I was when I largely listened to stuff that'd broadly fall under that label, I'll allow that Nightshift is making a strong argument for some of the music released during the comparative naiveté of the late '00s/early '10s. Across Zöe, you get shades of Broadcast, Lower Dens' Twin-Hand Movement, the UV Race ("Spray Paint the Bridge"), Belle & Sebastian and A Sunny Day In Glasgow ("Power Cut" and "Romantic Mud"). The trick to Zöe is that it folds all these reference points in neatly and places it on a sturdy percussive base. I won't argue that every song here is memorable, but they're all enjoyable, and the songs that hit - "Outta Space," the title track, "Infinity Winner" - send chills down my spine every time. Guitars are plucked and scraped for leading beats, accentuating shuffling drums and giving the bass the spotlight. The vocals are dreamy and lyrics direct, and for the duration of Zöe you're relieved of the pessimistic present and allowed to rigidly dance to Nightshift's hesitant groove. They've charmed their way through my cynicism, and Zöe's been on heavy rotation despite my reluctance. Take it for a spin, and fall under Nightshift's spell.

Hugo Randulv, Radio Arktis: Samlade Ljud Från Den Norra Polcirkeln (Förlag För Fri Musik)

First solo LP from Hugo Randulv, an active presence in the Gothenburg scene with his involvement in Enhet För Fri Musik, Skiftande Enheter and Amateur Hour, among others. Though typically a guitarist, on Radio Arktis, he drops the guitar and instead fills both sides with glacial synths and dusty samples. The label's original write-up for this record called it "grand ambient," though to me it sounds and feels much more personal than something that would soundtrack the Olympics. His use of samples, most notably on "Radio Reykjavik," sounds intimately tied with some fleeting memory, the music serving to enhance or exorcise the feeling tied to it all. It reminds me most of the Fun Years' "God Was Like, No" in that both records used the tools common to ambient/drone music but applied a much more personal touch, that certain nameless attribute that keeps drawing a listener back in. Can't put my finger on it, but both records just sound like they had to be made, rather than serving as a genre exercise or one-off exploration. I don't know that Radio Arktis is going to change anyone's life, but it could, and I've been hypnotized by its wordless, sparkling gray tones for weeks. Even though the "solo musician embraces synths" thing is usually pretty tired and pointless, Hugo Randulv's contribution shows why it's an alluring proposition at all.

Sunhiilow, Beyond the Cycle (Ikuisuus)

More solo synth, this time coming from Valerie Magisson and her Moog Mother-32. Magisson's Sunhiilow project veers into new age/ambient with its bite-sized kosmische explorations. There's something about the combination of the short length of these tracks and the sense of movement present within each that allows Beyond the Cycle to transcend the lifeless drivel that's usually tagged "new age" and "synth." It seems intentional that Magisson was trying to capture the mood of each track title in its corresponding music, and she is largely successful, though its unclear if the title provided direction or was applied afterward. The somewhat jarring introduction of "Wilderness Bloom" and the stoned growth of "Circle Motion" are my top picks, but the album works best as a whole and played very loudly, the overall effect immersing the listener into heady zones traversed by the Nightcrawlers. Leave it to Ikuisuus to release an "ethereal ambient music" record that satisfies, and sounds and looks great to boot. Sunhiilow's a lot more tame than most of what Ikuisuus releases, but it's an accessible, recommended starting point to one of the best active labels. HOWDY.

[burnt-scone]

CW Mentions heavy topics:

Forever ago, I reblogged a post saying English class and what a teacher gives as curriculum, can't be traumatizing. I said yes, it can.

I had a teacher who would show up hungover and / or drunk. She would talk to popular or vulnerable girls like they were bestfriends and would get them to share personal life details. Then, she would talk to boys in private, and she was the boys' swim coach, and a few of them would brag, y'know. She would confront students outside of school while wasted and would act very inappropriately. Like mid talking to a friend of mine, she started making out with her friends fiancé.

Now, none of that is what traumatized the majority of the 10th grade student body.

During the reading of important books like, To Kill a Mockingbird, she pulled out actual police files from the 50s-60s which depicted explicit accounts of Racially fuled murders, racially fuled assault, child murder, and rape. Explicit.

We were all Fourteen to Sixteen, many were survivors of Rape, physical abuse, and a few survivors of Racially fuled Hate Crimes. Many students hadn't read explicit details of Murder or Rape, details weren't hidden.

Those who were survivors experienced PTSD attacks. It was horrible. Kids were bawling. A few had to leave school immediately because they were back in the place they were before.

Those who hadn't read such details or experienced those topics were exposed.

She gave no warning that these topics were in what we were reading.

"We're going to look over some documents I found last night, I think they relate to the lesson." Thats it.

The school then reacted inappropriately. They sent out the counselors with little surveys that asked, "Have you experience Sexual Assault here or off campus?" Then asked, if so how.

It didn't want names or anything, but it upset survivors again. Many of my past peers have agreed, and we would rather have been asked, "If anyone has experienced sexual assault, feel free to visit our office if you need someone to talk to." Then maybe their survey have been a check yes or no situation so they could prepare for the number of students who checked yes.

But also, no one trusted the counselors to help anyway. A large majority of students were Sexually Assaulted on campus and were told to let the person write a sorry note and let bygones be bygones. Maybe hug it out. They made me hug it out literally.

Basically, I explained yes, what a teacher gives you can be traumatizing, even if it's just damaging past trauma or exposing to new.

I explained it like a mug falling.

A mug can fall and show no damage. It can fall and show a tiny fine fracture in the glaze. It can fall and have a large chip in the lip. The tiny cracks can hold grow over time, hold moisture, and expand. If it falls again, it can break much easier. Mugs with breaks break faster, and tiny fractures bloom from it. Expanding with time.

That's how trauma can work. Tiny traumas add up. Bigger traumas are triggered easier and can cause smaller traumas. What may be a small damage to one person may cause a much bigger break in someone else, depending on past damage to their mug.

I was sent a reblog by a moot. Someone had been furious with me, insulted me, and insulted my peers for their past traumas. Said I deserved to die. They also said I was saying the normal curriculum shouldn't be read, even tho I wrote two separate paragraphs explaining they should be read, but that my teacher went off curriculum. But anyway, they had apparently reblogged me and then blocked me so I couldn't see.

My moot reblogged them before sending their own reblog to me. They defended my post saying something like, I didn't go against the curriculum, and they didn't have to be so aggressive towards me because I didn't attack anyone.

I reblogged moots post saying it was a shocking kind of funny, because yeah, I didn't attack anyone, I just defended people who have said things they've read in English class have been traumatizing. Why was this random Stranger telling me to die.

Instantly, it was revealed that this person was a troll, but if possibly not, I apologized. They asked what was funny, that they were a "victim," and that books should be read. And once again, "that I should die."

So I apologized and said I didn't mean funny, haha, but funny, shocking someone had been randomly aggressive with me for defending people like my peers. Also, it hadn't been mentioned that they experienced that, and I apologized that they did and that I'd never find that funny.

They then said they hoped I was murdered and/or raped. Because I apparently found it CSA funny.

They then spammed my messages and Asks with images of actual corpses of men and toddlers. I've never seen images that graphic before. I was shaken for weeks. I'd seen bodies, but not like that. They also sent death threats, and they said that if they could they rape and murder me, they hoped someone else would. They hoped I'd end up like the pictures.

I reported every message and every ask and blocked them. And the report results from Tumblr were like, oopsy daisy, those were bad pictures :3, but we're not gonna do shit about them. You can block their IP address though ♡. So I did that.

This was like maybe, October?

Why do I bring it up again.

Because I still have the notifications from their Asks in my Ask inbox. These 2 Asks are always listed but not there. Like, I can't unblock and delete them because apparently, their account is gone. Apparently they fucked with enough people they actually got banned.

Like I hadn't been on the dark side of Tumblr in years. It was like getting socked in the face.

If they have a new account, I pray none of you cross paths with them. Because the shit they send will be burned into your brain.

[thejosh1980]

2920 days and counting

It's been 8 years since I became free.

I can still remember parts of that last night drinking that ended up with me, as the sun came up, in an ambulance heading to a psychiatric hospital, it was a suicide watch kind of situation. 

I was in a bad way, and in very bad relationship, a very toxic one, with alcohol. I was too close to the relationship and couldn't see the damage until I was in hospital.

I have documented a lot of my journey in past blogs, particularly a year ago when I wrote The 7 year itch.

Recently I was chatting with a Dresden local, a musician who I have known since 2006. We had a couple of bands together, also played in each other’s other bands and drank and partied many times over the years.

In mid-2009 we had a big falling out, I can't remember all the details (a lot alcohol was involved) but we ended up coming to fisticuffs and I came out worse for wear. The bands and friendship we had ended pretty quickly after that. 

I know at the time we both pushed each other, egged each other on, and made fun of each other. Looking back there was little respect and big egos at play. Both too tough to show vulnerability or real care for each other. I know for my part, at the time I was not fully aware, nor willing to be accountable for my behaviour. 

All the problems were someone else's fault.

So then came several years of me being a fool, I wouldn't even visit places I knew he'd be at. Why should I? Why should I even bother to spend money in his establishments either, I was angry, he hurt my feelings. Mind you, I know now, I was just projecting my insecurities onto him, even if we weren't talking.

Fast forward a few years, and I got sober and I started to open up to new ways of being. Being vulnerable, being responsible, being accountable, and being open to building bridges. It was a long process, and it wasn't like we suddenly became mates again, but we did cross paths more and more often as time moved on.

I can't remember the exact year, but I'd say it was in 2018 or 2019, he asked if we could meet and have a chat about my drinking (or lack thereof). I remember he wanted to talk about my experiences and maybe get some advice. He explained to me he had come to realise that getting drunk was his way of creating an excuse to treat others badly. Well I sure as hell had been there before, we both had together, some 10 years prior. 

It was almost like we were ex-lovers, meeting years after “moving on” and opening up about our past mistakes. We realised we both had messed up, we'd both been mean and spiteful and difficult and challenging, and we were now open to clearing the air and rebuilding on our reconnection.

I can say that now, after that conversation we have grown to care for each other deeply. We're good mates, and even though I am now half a world away, we continue checking in on each other from time to time. We see each other’s posts on social media, and often that sparks a conversation.

Those conversations have become deep, meaningful, trusting, and caring. 

We didn't bury the past either. We opened it up, talked about it, and apologised. It wasn't easy for both of us, but it brought us back together. 

We no longer take the piss out of each other, we care for each other. We no longer have egos raising the toxicity level between us, we've both shared some deep feelings that have created the space to trust ourselves, being imperfect humans. Having that hard conversation, about our behaviour, thoughts, and feelings, and expressing our insecurities and worries, opened our friendship up to a deeper level, and man, it is awesome.

Bromance, love, care, trust, and friendship. 

Recently we were chatting and the subject of our reconnection came up. We both said we missed each other, and we are so glad that we reconnected. He said I wish I had done it sooner, and I responded that it happened at the right time, when both of us were open to the idea of reconnecting.

We are both musicians, and timing is everything. 

He isn't the first (or the last) person I have found a deeper connection with since I sobered up. I no longer partied for the hell of it, having superficial moments with people, and started enjoying coffee dates with deep and meaningful connections. It's been a journey and a real blessing. The more I open up, and share my vulnerabilities and insecurities, the more others do too, and that just gets us deeper and deeper, feeling connection and love.

I am not 100% happy, I haven't been for most of my life, but when I think back to the dickhead I often was on the booze, these days I can find gratitude and love for myself as a sober guy who shares, and connects, with people.

I am very blessed to have been on this journey since 6th February 2015. Often folks talk about “giving up” something as a bad thing, but what I have found is new ways to connect, experience and enjoy life. 

Thanks for reading,

Josh

[theholyyuunoaduck]

Daily yuunoa fanfiction

I titled this work

"My hero"

because i was listening to "hero by tommee proffit feat mike and i love to think that shinoa is yuu's hero because she's successfully protected yuu's family more times than anyone in the series in my opinion

So before i saw the spoilers for chapter 72 i had a theory that kureto summoned shinoa because he wanted to execute the traitor of the hiragi family seeing as how devoted he is to the name

So i made a little fanfic about it and it might be late but oh well~

Kureto: *raises his sword onto shinoa* like i said i don't forgive traitors

Shinoa: *gasps and trips backwards with wide eyes as the sword starts to descend towards her everything was so slow and terrifying in that moment it wasn't the first she had expereince though, the first being when she was within the confines of the hiragi house to undergo torture, the second when kureto had nearly choked her to death to test gurens loyalty and mahiru's intent, and many other times within her years in the army, the time with crowley in the same day, nagoya, shibuya, the experience of near death was no such thing as new to her and yet for some reason this time was more terrifying for she knew there would be no saving herself this time not against this monster she called her brother she opened her lips one last time as the blade had begun its slow descent onto her shoulder intent on splitting her and gasped with fear...but it had stoped there the blade moved no further with a loud klang the world around her seemed to stop but in front of her...*

A minute before the current events

Mikaela: yuu look at this book do you think this might be it? *he asked his freind as he showed him documents of vampire transformation and history along with information detailing about the ritual conducted for the revival of the dead within one of those pages a name was written "mahiru hiragi"*

Yuu: let me see! *he asked as he took the papers but a sudden chill ran up his spine it wasn't the first time he had felt this however the first had been in shibuya and the second within nagoya airport*

Mika: yuu? Are y-

Yuu: *yuu's wings had suddenly apeared and he dropped the papers instantly tearing through brick stone and wood with such velocity that it was inhuman not even a vampire nor demon nor living being could move that fast he was bearling through wall after wall teeth gritted hand on sword and sheath the force of his anger his fear his anxiety had caused so much on his body that he began to bleed from his nose and his lip from biting* i heard her! *he said as he looked in horror at the elder brother of his lilac colored freind who he called family*

*the sword was already within a small cut of her shoulder but he wasn't about to give up now he charged at them both and intercepted the blow before it could cause any more damage but he struggled to keep his blade in that place* GRAHHHH!!!

Kureto: ah! The black demon boy ive been waiting to pay you back for the damages you made in na- *kureto was interupted by a mighty kick that had hit his abdomen and knocked him back and the wind out of his gut as he raised his horizon to see the boy he and shinoa were gone*

Yuu: *yuu was running as fast as his legs would take him with shinoa in his arms panting from blood loss and panic running out and up the building he had just escaped were they both landed on the floor* SHINOA ARE YOU OK ARE YOU ALRIGHT?! *he yelled as he let her down on the concrete roof were she layed tired and pale skinned holding her wound with one eye closed the adrenaline has ceased to course her body rather rapidly*

Shinoa: *sits up* y-yes i am alright

Yuu: *yuu was panting as his features his eyes and wings went to normal and he looked down to the floor his voice began to tremmble along with his body* sh-shinoa i'm sorry im so sorry!

Shinoa: *shinoa had looked at him in confusion as the curse began to seal her wound slowly* for what?

Yuu:i...i nearly failed to protect you again...i nearly lost you again....why why can't i ever pro-

Shinoa: *shinoa quickly let go of her shoulder and looked apologetic to him as she wrapped her arms around him his forehead pressed to her collarbone* yuu..it's alright I'm fine...and its only thanks to you...

Yuu: but i-

Shinoa: yuu i'm fine

Yuu: shinoa....i'm

Shinoa: i said im fine yuu i'm not going anywhere...

Yuu: *he began laughing in despair as she said that with his tears streaming diwn her face* that's right...you promised to stay by my side...i made you promise to stay by my side....but that's so unfair....ive never....been able to promise you that *he pulled away from her chest and braught her into his arms* from now on....from now on im never leaving your side..i promise i swear to you on my life ill never leave you again!

Shinoa: *shinoa couldn't help but blush at the remark he said as she braught her face closer to his neck and nuzzled there she wasn't used to this sort of treatement but she had no intention in not getting used to it* i'll be in your care then...*she said with a small smile*

The focus went from shinoa to yuu's crying emotionless face and had focused more towards his eye which turned into a dark ocean that he layed within

A small yuu within those dark waters found small rays of light

"Why....why is it always like this*

He said as the small rays turned into large rays and revealed both his parents and almost as soon as they appeared it was gone

The next light that appeared as he sank deeper into the water with no emotion to be found upon his face was of his family within the orphanage

Suddenly the light turned blood red with all of their bodies on the floor

And finally as he began to reach the sea floor he was dressed in his jida uniform tattered and ripped with a single black inky wing and a red eye with the same emotionless expression he wore

Suddenly though

"Ah...whats that warmth.." He whispered as he felt himself be hugged by a small girl with lilac hair she was adorable in the small sailor suit and she was bright like the lights he had seen before behind her 5 other lights appeared behind her it was his new family along with mikaela but soon they started to fade in their light yuu reached for them but could not move as he was sent careening through the air by a mighty punch delivered by crowley on the floor once again that single light remained and again those 5 other lights flickered*

Yuu: shinoa....youre always picking up after me arent you....how is it that you can do what i long for so easily....

He began falling from the sky headfirst in the nagoya airport with his sword deep within his abdomen his eye twitched as he fell and he could see her...giving out orders and protecting those 5 lights now 6 with her life and he was within her arms as he woke up*

Yuu! I'm right here!

*she exclaimed while crying into his shoulder*

"Youre always always always picking up my messes shinoa...even when i gain all this power i can't do what youve done for me for all this time" he thought within his head as he looked around and saw those lights now 7 surrounding him in the shape of mika,mitsuba,guren,narumi,kimizuki, yoichi and the one holding him was shinoa

He held his chest as he looked her in the eyes ontop of the roof where they were last a small blush and smile spread across his face*

"Ahh...what is this feeling..." He asked himself as he felt his heart pulse and come to life as his senses returned to normal and the face of shinoa was more clear to him seeing her tears covering her face she gasped as she hugged him tightly*

In the distance of the roof mikaela looked at them both and smiled..

Mikaela: *thinking to himself* their hearts are beating...at the same extatic rythem as each other....

The end

SO TO EXPLAIN THE END MIKA IS THE FIRST ONE TO FIGURE OUT YUU HAS FALLEN FOR SHINOA RIGHT THEN AND THERE BECAUSE OF VAMPIRES SUPER ACUTE HEARING

And like i said this was more of a pipe dream that i wanted for chapter 72 hahah

Special thanks to @ichinose-s for helping me get this fanfic out and flushed

[emotionallycompromisedrobots]

Oh my GOD why would you hide this in the tags?? It IS Nicky and now I can't unsee it, let's talk about which popes je might have offed!!

1. Pope Urban VI (pope from 1378-1389): most famous for literally torturing his political rivals. He was also one of two popes at the time, the other being Antipope Clement Vii of Avignon (this whole kerfuffle was called the Western Schism and got a lot of people killed). Died after falling from a mule, possibly from his injuries (or poison?). Nicky did you shoot him off his mule?

2. Pope Leo X (pope from 1513-1521): was super corrupt, gave out a ton of indulgences which partially inspired Martin Luther's 95 Theses. Also totally freaked out in response to Luther's criticisms and arguably exacerbated what became the Protestant Reformation, which lead to a lot of bloodshed. He is recorded as dying of pneumonia. Also he was pope during the Renaissance, when we all agree Nicky and Joe were in Italy hanging out with Michaelangelo and posing for tasteful nudes. Nicky could have popped out for a little assassination and been back before Joe got home from the atelier.

3. Pope Alexander VI (1492-1503): wrote an official papal bull "declaring" that Spain "owned" the newly "discovered" lands in the Americas, which laid rhetorical groundwork for Europeans' justification of colonization and chattel slavery. Also this is the super famous Borgia pope who was in the BBC show and Assassin's Creed. He died suddenly of some kind of weird illness, which was probably poison, because his son fell ill at the same time after the two had dined together.

4. Pope Pius VI (1775-1799): he condemned the French Revolution and the Déclaration des droits de l'homme et du citoyen (Declaration of the rights of man and of the citizen, an important human rights document) and tried to canonize beheaded king Louis XVI (Marie Antoinette's husband). One of Napoleon's armies seized Rome soon after and took the pope into custody, where he died in prison. He doesn't seem to have done as much damage as the other 3 I listed (don't take my word for it, this is not an era of history I have studied) but having reigned for 20 years, he was at his death the longest-reigning pope ever, so maybe Nicky just got fucking sick of him. Hell, maybe Nicky and Booker did the job together, as a bonding experience.

Parts Unknown: Newfoundland

[queersociologist]

This is going to be long, I apologize. It's very hard for me to unwind some of these thoughts from the rest. Thank you so much for sharing yours, and encouraging others to do the same. This experience can be, has been very isolating. I'm trying to find community where I can with it.

I caught COVID in March 2022, after spending two years in isolation. It was sort of my own fault, sort of not. I was feeling very guilty about keeping myself and my partners in isolation, and I decided to risk going to a restaurant with my partner's family.

I was so, so sick during the acute stage. For weeks. Luckily I have partners who took on caring for me. I have no idea what I would have done without them here. And even though I requested antivirals and care from my primary, she decided I was "healthy" and "low-risk" (despite having fibromyalgia and a documented under-responsive immune system) and just didn't respond to my requests until the window to take them was closed and told me I'd be fine, just get back to being active. So, I tried to be compliant.

I spent May trying to pretend like everything was fine, started college in June, and immediately developed what I recognize now as MCAS (though I still can't get a provider to take this piece seriously). I spent June, July, and August with severe hives around my eyes. In August my POTs symptoms kicked into full gear, and I started having syncope. This meant I finally got pushed into the "COVID recovery" clinic (wait-list was semi-long, I got in by December), and then physical therapy and cardiology.

The COVID clinic has helped, some, but the waves of patients they've been expected to treat keeps growing so they are now pushing me back to my primary. Honestly, the COVID clinic was in over their heads anyway. They were family medicine providers expected to diagnose and outsource us to the various specialties, educating those specialists and us and the doctors. I knew it wouldn't be sustainable. I visited my primary a couple weeks ago to get ahead of this shift and she seemed shocked to see me: "Well, what are you still struggling with?" The answer is everything, worse than before. But of course she can only address one (or maybe just like. part of one) issue at a time. Dermatology, cardiology, physical therapy are all pieces of the puzzle but not a single person has the capacity to see the full picture. Multiple body systems are failing me. And I'm a lucky long COVID patient, because I'm still somehow managing to do college. That just happens to be the only thing I can manage, and some days it's impossible to even do that.

I feel horrible that I feel so horrible and I know others have it so much worse. I feel angry about how many ways the healthcare system, and society, have failed me, my communities, and my fellow long haulers. I feel immense grief about what I used to do, that I can no longer do.

I used to do art, and I loved it. Now I have tremors that keep me from doing anything. I can't embroider, can't draw, can't do calligraphy, can't sew or craft without doing damage to my already damaged nerves. I used scissors last July and lost feeling in my thumb for two months, but was assured this couldn't possibly be part of the bigger picture (which, well. I disagree). I used to love growing and caring for plants, these days I can't water or care for them and I can't even look at them without being reminded of how much of myself I've lost. Ive probably thrown out two, maybe three dozen plants since I got sick. My concentration is shot and I can't write. I bought a laptop so I could start on a memoir project before I got sick, I still haven't been able to get more than fragments out at once. There's a zine I want to make about my experience with COVID, and every time I start working on it I feel so overwhelmed that I fall apart. I used to do intensive self care routines that helped keep me grounded in my body, now I'm lucky if I manage the basics without tachycardia and PEM. All of my facial care stuff is collecting dust because of the uncertainty related to the allergic reactions and my lack of energy. I dreamt of finding my community now that I live in an area with more people like me, but I can't safely do that as every event is being moved back to in-person without precautions. I live less than two hours from the ocean. In the December before I got sick I went alone and walked the beach for hours. My partner drove me to the beach this past April and I spent the entire time feeling like I was going to have a heart attack, and we barely walked more than a few hundred feet. I've had to relearn everything. I had to accept that I need mobility aids, a process I'm still working on as I learn to let myself use a wheelchair now. My makeup goes untouched because of my MCAS. Clothes go unworn because why would I wear something that causes me discomfort, when my entire life is discomfort now? I used to take a lot of joy in curating cute, queer outfits and these days I wear all cotton t-shirts and sweats, everywhere.

And over and over again people ask me "what happened to you?" and I say "I have long COVID" and they ask "Oh, well, you were probably sick before right?" and I'm reminded just how little disabled bodies matter to them, just how far they want to distance themselves from this possibility. I've lost friends. I've lost family. I've lost people who I thought loved me but who want to insinuate I did this to myself or am exaggerating, who don't want to connect with someone who isn't just "getting better". I've learned who my true family is, those who see me where I'm at and ask me how they can help.

I'd love people to write in in response to this post. I'll share my own story to get things started.

Before the pandemic started I had just started to get on the right track after an apartment fire 3 years ago at the time. Everything was thrown off by that and I developed PTSD from the event. My health and mental health conditions were well managed, including my agoraphobia and I was in good health.

Even as I sheltered in place for approximately 3 years and only did essential activities and went to essential places I still contracted covid. Sadly my carer brought it into my home and I've suffered with long covid immediately subsequent to my acute infection ever since (August 28th 2022).

It's turned my life upside down. I had planned on starting to ride my bike and now it sits in my apartment untouched. I struggle to walk, sit and balance especially for prolonged periods, at the ripe age of 31. An issue I didn't have before remotely.

And yet doctors keep mentioning anxiety, that it's not conclusive despite not studying up to date literature and published research on covid and long covid. I have no purpose for my shoes much either because travel is taxing on my body. In fact I've been at my mom's house for almost a month because I'm not well enough to return home.

Even paid my rent and electric digitally. My patio remains unoccupied, partly because I don't want harassment about wearing a mask outdoors but also would rather not see my neighbors. One of which harassed me and my carer after coming back from a very stressful dentist appointment with appalling covid safety and not having slept that day.

My computer collecting dust, partly due to the winter storm a couple months or so ago that knocked out my power and messed up the boot sequence, but also not being able to sit at and use it without swaying, heart palpations, feeling faint, and for long periods.

My kitchen sink, cooking utensils and ware goes unused most of the time because my new illness has largely robbed me of the energy and focus to prepare and cook meals. And my apartment tends to occupy me or my one support staff because of my fear of a repeat incident of someone bringing disease into my house. A disease that if I catch again well may kill me, or, faster.

My shower usually is dry as a bone, baths and showers leave me flaring and wiped for days. My hair products sit frequently untouched as I'm too exhausted to brush, braid, cover and moisturize my hair. As do my free weights and elastic PT bands. Ever since I got sick I lack stamina, experience shortness of breathe (I had asthma but it was well controlled), my heart rate spikes and I can't exercise in any way that would hit targets or be beneficial.

And finally, I have no use for many of the chairs in my home as my brain, neck and spine struggle to keep me upright. My body is in some ways new to me and after 3 plus decades in it, I have to learn it all over again.

And still my doctor recommends physical therapy despite telling her all this. And worst of all won't long covid diagnosis. She kicked me to specialist.

Specialist who are already booked out, and whose schedules and patient lists keep lengthening because of the sharp and continued rise in long covid. Knowing it could take months for me to get a diagnosis this route and even longer to get new disability aids I need if I even get documents and approvals at all.

That I can't possibly afford because I'm dirt poor. To add pain to injury, I was disabled before this. And I understood the seriousness of covid and long covid. And took every precaution. But in a society that's a threat to life and safety, I was only as safe as everyone else was and is.

Which means I wasn't and still am not. Not only do I have whatever implications and damage short and long term from my first bout of illness, I constantly have the threat of reinfections and death everyday.

And am confronted with no longer being able to do what I once did (possibly ever again) with great sadness nor test limits without high risk and unpredictable results. And it is a terrible, deeply off putting, arrogant and cruel insult to hear people write off or outright deny long covid exists and call long covid a cold. It fucking isn't.

Anyway that's my story.