#suicidal ideation cw

[incognitopolls]

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[gulava]

4.5k to save three teeth when I’m already about to lose two others…How about I kill myself right now, America?

[3idiotsandarainbow]

Day 19: To save yourself

From a fate worse than death

Killer killing the version of himself that almost reached a point of turning exactly like him before that version actually does >:)

-Anó

[swollenbabyfat]

Quiet now children

[pirategrime]

[sunlitlemonade]

so. uh. surprising thing about jason, who might be one of the most inconsistently written characters ever, is the fact that one trait about him has remained constant throughout different eras, reboots and even an elseworld. no, it's not his thighs tho that would be a very good guess.

it's his suicidal ideation. yeah.

[here's me screaming about the fact that he feels like a phantom that has outlived its purpose of haunting in detail if you're interested]

[galedekarios]

also re: the last gale art i reblogged

when i have the spoons to do so, i'd also very much like to talk about gale and depression and him being high functioning. it's an extremely heavy topic, but i think it's one of those things - if not the thing - that resonated the most with me on a personal level while experiencing his story for the first time, and it still does now almost a year later.

his isolation, his deep loneliness, gale using his magic to create an escape for his mind when he felt there was none for his body and withdrawing from the circumstances surrounding him as much as he was still able to, while still feeling mystra's disappointment echoing through the weave the moment he tapped into it - which is something that we know from his origin playthrough hurts him more than anything else (in that case it's related to elminster, but i think we can draw the conclusion here as well).

gale's social circle slowly withering away, one by one, until it's not a circle anymore, but a pinhead. enough to only include tara now. and even with tara, we know he's expecting to become too much of a burden, too much of a hassle ("i feared she had abandoned me." he says in act 3, after his long time away). he's waiting for the other shoe to drop even with his own familiar. i'm sure he wished to have her by his side even when he rationally knew that she had to leave to find a cure - or to at least find means to stave off his condition. he fekt he couldn't burden the only immediate family he still has left: morena. afraid of shaming her, afraid of burdening her, afraid of putting her in danger.

despite all that, he manages to leave waterdeep, to seek a cure for himself, or at the least not present a danger to thousands of people around him, once he recognised he was no longer able to treat his condition.

and when we meet him there is almost no immediate trace of all that, he masks it with smiles and politeness and humour. he's friendly. affable. unflappable. he cooks, he fights, he reads, he's well kept, despite tara's nagging about eating regularly in gale's origin playthrough. you'd never know. you only get a sense of melancholy sometimes (his first camp scene, staring into the fire, unsure of what the tadpole means for him and, more importantly, the orb), when it's all too much and he hasn't calmed himself yet, hasn't quieted his mind fully ("i need to retrace my steps to a glade of calm and think").

what a difference a day makes.

(still, he's opening himself up a bit again, re-learning to live again, travelling with people he may have not met otherwise, some of whom have become his friends. it feels good to chat, it feels good to tell stories, to share knowledge and meals, and to not be alone.)

and even when it all comes crashing down around him in act 2, he receives mystra's orders with quiet acceptance and a smile. he thanks elminster. he's glad it was him. he deflects your concern and doesn't engage with the deeper meaning of what it means to do as he was asked. oh you know him, don't you. he's an optimist. it's all not so bad. at least his death will have meaning. at least he'll have forgiveness.

it's only much later that he lets himself acknowledge how scared truly is. terrified, he says. and even then, he marches on.

anyhow, excuse my disjointed rambling, i just have a lot of thoughts about it all.

[bookshelfdreams]

OKAY BUT

the way ofmd says "No, trust me, you really don't want to die."

Again. And again.

With Stede in s1, who doesn't have an answer when Olu asks him if he wants to live, who faces execution twice and both times says "I deserve this". It takes a literal gun to his head for him to realize that no, he does not want to die, and it takes going back to the environment that suffocated him - it takes killing his chance at happiness - for him to realize that YES. He wants to live.

And now we get this terrifying, heartbreaking spiral of destructiveness with Ed. He has a lot more insight into himself than Stede, he knows he wants to keep living, but not like this. Hasn't for a while, and when he tried to change, thought for just a moment that maybe life could be better - well.

It all came crashing down, didn't it. He thought Stede could love him, but he couldn't; Stede left. And he thought, maybe he could still build something new for himself, something away from the violence, a space where he could find safety, community, healing, maybe; but that failed, too. Izzy made sure of that. Because it takes just one well-aimed knife to kill the greatest of men and Izzy has plenty, and Ed doesn't want to die.

He just doesn't want to keep living like this.

Before he knew Stede, he may have been unhappy, but he was coping. But now that he knows how all that stuff feels like he thought he could never have - friendship, community - he can't cope anymore. He doesn't want to keep living like this, and he can't change his life into something more bearable because Izzy is standing at his back, knife at the ready.

(Oh and I do believe Izzy regrets that, wishes he could take it back and not just for his foot, wishes he knew how to ask Ed's forgiveness, wishes he knew how to tell him You can trust me)

So. What is there left for Ed to do?

Ed is increasingly unsubtle about what he wants, to a point where he literally hands Izzy a gun to shoot him, where he's practically on his knees begging to be mutinied. He realized change is impossible, so does he want to die now?

No. It's worse.

He wants someone to give enough of a shit about him to kill him.

If murder is the only intimacy he can get, his death is a price he's willing to pay. But he's not even getting that, no one will even kill him, what the fuck.

And. ofmd makes us look at it, all of it, all the self-loathing, the fear, the heartache. The pain. Makes Ed look at it, so he understands, so he can heal. Tells him,

That's a bit silly, eh? You don't even want to die! And people want you to live, you dummy.

Keep going. You have no idea how much better things are going to get.

[l3o-lion]

Stede bonnet angst stede bonnet angst stede bonnet angst

Yippee

After a bunch of tweaking and drawing we're done! :]

The quotes were a fun way to break my own heart a bit. They're all sort of about stede and his mostly passive suicidal ideation.

Gave him his own knife instead of that random one i had drawn before, put his rings on, and did a bunch of finishing work on the glass ball

The background got ignored because I can't be bothered to make it interesting rn. If im feeling good later i might make it look like the ball actually exists in a 3D space.

[its-coda]

[ssaalexblake]

on behalf of all the people who didn't realise they weren't straight until their early 20's (even despite how obvious it may be in hindsight) i wish a very happy Fuck You to all the self absorbed assholes saying Yaz's arc is bad or lacks agency or sucks as gay rep Because she didn't know this till she was 20ish and didn't admit it to herself until EOTD, like honestly, at this point go take a long walk off a short pier.

The people who didn't ~see~ thasmin before it was verbally recognised are merely irritating and exhibiting heterosexual blindness, You lot are out there insulting the experiences of many very Real people because it's not good enough for you.

Literally. What you're peddling is SO awful and said with the assumed moral high ground, and all i have to offer you is one huge 'ew' at that terrible behaviour.

Look, this is not actually about Yaz, but lol, Yaz was a bullied teenager on the verge of or actively suicidal, she is not shown to have One friend and her family are actively shocked she's taken friends home in arachnids because Yaz doesn't Have friends. That Yaz did not immediately clock she was into Thirteen and thought they were just good mates actually makes perfect sense bc she doesn't know what #besties feels like to differentiate the two things. Is that depressing? yeah, but the point is yaz built herself up into the person she is in tpotd in a coming of age type story, she Does have support and friends at the end, she Does know her sexuality better by the end, she Has achieved what she wanted in being able to help people. She grew and learnt! Good for her.

It's also like, personally think that it's a more valid interpretation of the show to say that Yaz was troubled and didn't want to admit this to herself before eotd because of 13's avoidance and behaviour, rather than anything else going on. Yaz is never shown to be repressing this because of the gayness, she's worried because 13 is squirrely and they fight so much and 13 Still doesn't open up to her.

Mostly, in the end, idgaf what you think of Yaz's arc but if it's related to one type of person's discovery of their sexuality being Better than another then honestly, you need to not subject other people to your 'takes', because all you're being is cruel and you don't even have the self awareness to realise.

Watch your damn words. I don't care if somebody realised they're not straight/not cis/not whatever when they're 99 years old. To use an internet cliche, that is Perfectly Valid and a story worth telling in any kind of media out there. If you want to watch the story of a queer character in dw very secure abt their sexuality and Not on a voyage of self discovery/coming of age narrative that happens to include that Discovery, go and watch Bill's episodes and stop saying shitty things about real people not being good enough for you.

[incognitopolls]

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[juniperhillpatient]

The Coffin of Andy & Leyley / Ginger Snaps / Yellowjackets / Lisa Frankenstein / Possibly in Michigan - Love & Devotion as Death & Consumption

[inevitably-johnlocked]

It's weird that John doesn't have any friends apart from Sherlock. The only other friend he has is Lestrade, who's a mutual, and who's also known Sherlock longer than he's known John.

John is usually considered more approachable, I think. I mean, he's polite enough to get dates to go out on regularly.

But he's quite closed off and quite rude to Mike Stamford in ASIP. Mike seems to be so polite, and yet he doesn't correct John when he says, "Who would want to be my flatmate?", not even out of an attempt to be nice in that moment.

Odd, isn't it?

Hey Lovely!!

We have to remember that John's "approachability" only happened AFTER he met and lived with Sherlock. Perhaps he was in a past life before the army as well, but war changes people, especially when one is traumatized with a sudden life-shift as John was.

God knows that the government treats war vets like shit, so already John is doomed to struggle without help. He hated seeing his (probably army-provided, mandatory) therapist, struggled with just existing and, from context clues in ASiP, we know he probably never ate either. Before ASIP, I assume he just recently re-entered civilian life after a LONG healing period (if he almost died – and probably did - we can make the assumption that he was probably hospitalized for a long time too, probably a few months) and fresh off of a forced honourable discharge. He tried his best to just carry on as Brits do, but it's not HELPING. He's struggling emotionally and physically, poor, depressed, and just trying to survive after the government basically threw him to the side.

John felt aimless, unloved, and lonely, and absolutely suicidal by the time we meet him. He was rude because he didn't WANT to try anymore, but he still gave Mike the opportunity to catch up, which shows us that deep down John DID want to TRY.

And Mike didn't correct John simply because he is a doctor. And we can presume an ARMY doctor if he's at Barts, so he KNOWS John isn't going to do well after war. John is NOT Mike's first time seeing a traumatized war vet. That's why Mike is gentle and knows John is struggling. And Mike knew JUST the perfect chaotic person to keep John's mind off of the tedium of his life-after-war.

Mike is a genius in my book.

Sherlock saved John just as much as John saved Sherlock.

Two loner misfits with strained relationships with their living relatives and thought weird by society? Totally meant to be!

[mutantbanner]

Here's the new comic I was talking about.

Next chapter ->

Here it is on AO3!

I have the whole thing planned out, so CWs under the cut for those of you who are interested.

CW: Psychological horror, hallucinations, drug use (kind of), severe suicidal ideation, suicide attempts, character death/ambiguous ending

[higgity-diggity-dummy]

The carnal need to write a story about Nico during his dark months (tm) where he is very close to killing himself but an elderly person steps in and essentially talks him off the ledge and they become good friends until Nico notices an aura of death around this old person and realizes that they are going to die soon so he tries his damndest to keep this old person alive (making them check in with a doctor often; keeping them away from oncoming traffic and dark alleyways) only for them to end up on their deathbed by an unavoidable illness brought in by their age but for some reason they seem alright with it and Nico gets very mad because this was the person that convinced him to live and now they were giving up their own life but they say something about how wanting to die and being ready for death are two different things and that Nico is not ready to die.