#technically old enough to be my dad woops

[stellabutcringe]

You Mentioned OCs. (np)

oh di i'm so excited you asked about them i'm actually jumping up and down rn bc like,,, i've had these two for YEARS, i rotate them in my mind every single day and with all the media i consume i always think ok but what if the protagonists were ACTUALLY my ocs like i'm so mentally ill about them

their names are Briar and Evelyn (Evie for short) and they're both so silly and so disgustingly in love, think vincent and lovely but ten times worse

also this got like REALLY long so don't feel obligated to read it all lol

let's start with my boy Briar

his name frequently gets mistaken for Brian and it makes him so irrationally angry lol

he's a born vampire! so no old man activities this boy is like 17 as of now

he's the one who knows how to cook! he makes food for others as a love language

also fun fact there's like an actual vampire cuisine in this universe so vampires can consume food that's not just blood and still get nutritional value out of it

his family are part of the older vampire generation technically? what i mean is his family have been vampires for a few centuries now so they're kinda rich and well known

that said, his parents are for sure around 80-100 but him and his sisters are young!

as i've said he's only around 17 and he's the youngest out of his siblings

he has 3 older sisters (20ish, 24 and 28) and they're all very protective of him because omg!!!! that's their baby brother!!!

sometimes too protective to the point where they underestimate him and make him feel bad,,, woops!

he still really looks up to them and puts them on a bit of a pedestal, making him an overachieving perfectionist while he strives to get to what he assumes is their level

spoiler alert this results in a lot of angst and him not feeling good enough despite his parents and sisters never really pressureing him to do anything

he definitely tries to hide his insecurity by overcompensating and acting more arrogant than he is but his friends can read him like a book lol

"i had this leftover because i made too much on accident, eat it so i don't feel bad about being wasteful. honestly you should feel honored to be allowed to taste my cooking" translation: "you seemed stressed so i made you your favourite meal but please don't bring it up or i'll die. hope you like it ^-^"

terrified of bugs which is unfortunate since his 3rd sister loves them and keeps them as pets

when i said overachiever i meant it. student body president. excels in most sports. top grades.

he has to be perfect or he will literally die (real) (not fake)

oh he's also scared of dogs and he's very pathetic about it. i'm talking he sees a tiny puppy and he crosses to the other side of the street.

works at a convenience store because he doesn't want to end up being a spoilt rich brat stereotype lol the old ladies at check out love him because he always offers to carry their bags to their car for them

tries to act all serious and grown up when he's around his sisters to impress them but it's a lost cause

he's a complete sweetheart please tell him he's doing a good job and watch trashy dramas and reality tv with him

okie Evie time :3

she's a witch!! wohoo magic

she has like a billion siblings

jk just 5 but still

all of them are adopted and a different magical being (for example her older brother is a werewolf) simply because i think it's funny

listen hear me out: her dad is like fucking bruce wayne, adopting kids left and right, but he's just a regular schmegular human so i think it's hilarious that he adopts a new kid and he's all like "oh great they're just human phew no stress for me"

just to find out that no, this child is in fact NOT human, and on top of that they're an entirely different species than the rest of his kids so he has to learn about their specific needs and quirks and whatnot all over again

listen it's hilarious

okay anyways

evie stress bakes!! so she always has new stuff to give to others because WOW girl you're stressed beyond measure

brought 5 loafes of bread to school once to give to her friends. "thanks but you already gave me 2 yesterday my family really can't eat all of that :(" "girl PLEASE you have to help me i have 12 more at home and my dad is fucking PISSED he told me to get rid of them immediately."

if Briar needs to be perfect or else he will die, then Evelyn needs everyone to like her or she will die

she's honestly a bit of a pushover because of that but she's working on it and has made great progress (therapy queen)

fashion lover and lover of cute things

her outfits look like a claire's threw up on her

her magic manifested when she was like 5 when she got into a fight with her brother and she just. launched his ass into the sky lol

that accident broke his leg and made her resent her powers for a bit

like she wanted nothing to do with them and straight up refused to go to a school where she would learn about them. her dad was so worried because suppressing magic longterm makes you actually sick

that is until a friend of her dad explained to her that learning to control her powers would help her prevent any more accidents

that friend is called Makena and we love her! she's a witch as well and ended up giving Evie private lessons and also helped Evie's dad with learning about magic and how to care for non-human kids

at first Evelyn rly sucked at magic like REALLY sucked at magic and she was like, are you serious this is ASS

but she was just a slow learner and is really good now :)

works at Makena's cafe in an effort to help with her social skills

i have drawings of these two somewhere but it's been a while so i can't fund them 😭

[atomicblasphemy]

Blight Industries Board Meeting

I have some thoughts about that EE episode. Being myself I just couldn’t put them out in a sensible fashion, so I put on some crust in my headphones, amped everyone’s cynicism, and here’s the result.

                                                       O: Good evening everyone and welcome to the Blight Industries board meeting of number...            

Ed and Em shoot glances at each other as confused about how they ended up there as when it happened for the first time.            

Al looks longingly at his workshop door.            

Amity glares.            

Am: Mom, can we try to have dinner like a normal family which, according to Merriam-Webster at least, we technically are? For once at least?            

O: That can wait, Mittens. Anyway, I called you all here to announce I shall be making some changes to our company. Namely, I shall change the job titles of the three of you. I’m still CEO, Alador still development, research and, well, the assembly line I suppose. As for you, Emira, Edric, you’re now in charge of security. I don’t want to hear about company secrets leaking out, okay? Mittens, you’re our new marketing department.            

Am: Marketing?            

Em: Seriously, mom?            

Od: Dearests, this is a meeting please use our appropriate titles.            

Ed: No no no no. They have a point. Okay, let me see if I understand your thought process. So, you’re the head of a company, right?            

Od: I don’t like your tone, Edric. But okay, I’ll humor you. Yes I am, go on.            

Ed: And said company essentially sells only guns.            

Od: Mhmm, what’s your point?            

Ed: And you think that the best way to convey that is by using your local annoyed teenage lesbian that half the time looks like she would be rather doing literally anything else? Is that a correct assessment, ma’am?            

Od: Oh, and I suppose you have a better idea?            

Em: Yeah, we do. ANYONE ELSE. We *frantically and repeatedly points her finger from herself to Edric*  could do this, I mean we tried to leak our sister’s journal just a few weeks ago so we clearly know nothing about keeping secrets. You could do it. I mean, no offense, but putting up a show seems to be your only useful skill because if this your idea of how to run a company, we... aaaaand now I’m suddenly starting to realize where we get our decision making incompetence from. Anyway. This guy *points at Alador* could do it if you just made sure to remind him that that’s what’s funding his little research. Heck, you could hire Luz. She’s pretty charismatic and just took a shot at the Emperor himself. I’m sure having someone like that vouching for our products would do wonders for our business. See? That’s how you make a half-decent marketing strategy. Besides, I hear Luz could use the money and I’m sure Mittens would be happy to have her working here.            

Am: Yup, normally I’d have other reasons but honestly I’d just be happy someone else is doing this particular job.            

Al: *woop there goes gravity* Why? I told you this wasn’t the best idea. Besides, we agreed, twice at least, that I would take care of the abominations and you’d be in charge of everything else *leans in closer to whisper conspiratorially to Odalia* I don’t like dealing with them *points at their very loving children*.            

Ed, Em, and Am: HEY!            

Al: *sighs* Listen to your boss, children.            

The children huddle closer, they are the conspiratorial ones now.            

Am: We’re gonna end up broke and starving, aren’t we?            

Em: Yeah, isn’t it weird though? I mean, you’d think they’d have found someone better to... sponsor by now. Apparently that’s not the case. Moreover, why do they, our parents I mean, keeping putting so many resources into product development then? And it’s not even like we’re branching out into new markets, making some groundbreaking products. Nope, just shinier versions of the old stuff.            

Am: Hum... Can either of you teach me how to write a resume?            

Ed: I... uh... was going to ask you the same thing.            

--------------------------            

Later.            

Em: Okay, let’s recap the recent events, shall we?            

Odalia and Alador were sat side by side in flimsy wooden chair at the factory’s storage area. Their children loomed over them with stern faces.            

Am: First off, you decided to entirely restructure the company, you know, the one with our name in it. And you did so by making all possible wrong choices. Especially putting me as the face and head of marketing.            

Ed: Then, secondly, when you realized that wasn’t working due to Mittens, justifiably I might add, wanting to do pretty much anything else with her time. So you two in a strike of parenting brilliance decide that the best way to deal with all of that was not to, oh I don’t know, hire some specialist or anything like that for the position and let her, and us, be teenagers like any normal parent would do. No, instead you think: “Hey, I’ll double down and alienate the one of my children giving me a hard time from the only people she seems to like.”            

Al: In our defense...            

Em: AND THEN, when one of said people decide to actually do something about, and in a very diplomatic fashion given the circumstances, mind you, you go ahead and try to commit murder in front of a large audience of potential witnesses. Granted, not a particularly morally upstanding audience given the type of products they were trying to buy, but still. Do you have any idea how many people would want a piece of you if you actually hurt the human? You have three of them standing in front of you right now.            

Od: Well, Emira dearest, you can’t argue with the numbers. Tonight’s sale was an astounding success.            

Am: And she still has her poise despite all the failures... Look, the three of us, we’ve been talking. We somehow are also part of the board, right? Moreover, we are, despite all evidence on the contrary, still employs of this company. So we put things through a vote.            

Ed: First off, we’re unionizing. And your first demand is better working conditions...            

Od: I’m not putting apple blood fountains in the factory floors. That’s off the table. I already told this Edric. The abominations take a surprising liking to the stuff.            

Em: We can discuss the specifics later. We have other topics at hand.            

Al: Okay, like what?            

Em: You two are out. Actually just you mom. We still need dad for development of new products and stuff.            

Od: WHAT? You can’t do this.            

Am: Let me rephrase what Emira said: you’re not CEO anymore. She is.            

Al and Od: EMIRA?            

Ed: Yes, Emira. I’ll be in charge of supply and distribution as well as any other duties dad still had besides research and develop. Mom, you’re the new Mittens. I mean, marketing. You’re in charge of marketing now. Just marketing and literally nothing else. I’m sure we won’t regret giving you this much responsibility. And, by the way. One mistake and we’re hiring Luz for the job. AND we’re giving her enough shares to sit at the board.            

Od: *starts chuckling while reaching for a small book in her vest* I can’t say I’m not angry at the three of you, but it is indeed nice to see you trying to take a more active role in the company. But there’s a big flaw to your little coup. You see, according to article 15 of the Blight Industries statute, Alador’s vote, as well as mine...            

Al: I’m voting with them, Odalia.            

Everyone else turns to look at him, wide eyed.            

Al: Look, I’m not ecstatic about this or anything. But at the end of day if Edric is taking half the load off my shoulders then I’ll have the more time in my workshop. And away from them. Odalia, don’t look at me like that, I told you the other day I was wanting us to develop magic powered air fryers. Now I’ll have the time for that. We can tap onto more markets this way, more money.            

Od: ... You’re sleeping on the couch tonight.            

Al: *sighs* How about Mittens, what will she do now?            

Am: Librarian. That’ll be my new job title.            

Al: We have no use for a librarian, Amity. You know that, don’t you?            

Am: I know. I’m not working here anymore. Gary had been telling me for some time about this internship opening. I start Monday. But don’t go thinking I’ll leave the board. I’m keeping my shares and besides, Ed and Em agreed to keep me as an adviser.            

Od: Oh look at our daughter, Alador. Going all out on that daily grind, making the minimum wage. Are you sure you can handle it, Mittens my dear?            

Am: Well, you paid me in passive aggressive comments and threats so far. I consider minimum wage a raise if anything.            

Od: Whatever you say... In any case. I suppose I’ll now be some sort of glorified secretary then.            

Em: What do you mean, mom?            

Od: Oh, right. You weren’t there at the time. We struck a big contract, big enough so we won’t need to worry about marketing for the foreseeable future.            

Em: What? HOW?            

Al: That uhh... That kid, what’s his name again? The new head of the Emperor’s coven. He came in after the sales ended, said we should go around building Frankenstein mercenaries, and that the Emperor would be buying all of our Thanos thingies aaand on top of that the state would fund all our future research.            

Ed and Em: Oh... Oh... Ohh Titan... Didn’t he get ahold of Eda’s portal? Mittens, we have to tell Luz.            

Am: *chuckles* Yeah, good luck with that, Emperor.            

Ed: I... Are you okay? Shouldn’t you be worried?            

Am: Eh... I mean... First things first. Yeah, I know he’s building an army to invade the human realm and yeah, I know we’ll be supplying the weaponry and that I should probably give Luz a heads up. But, you know. That’s pretty stupid of him when you think about it.            

Ed: What?            

Am: I mean, think about it. He is getting a supplier that he knows, for a fact, has a positive connection to his enemies. Meaning it would be in our interest - especially mine, you know, the other Blight with Abomination know how and the one closest to the one human living in the Boiling Isles, as proven today - to put some back doors in all the tech we’ll be selling them. Moreover... Sure humans don’t have magic but they make up for it in other ways. Luz was telling me about her realm the other day and... Well... Let me put it this way: we are not humans, meaning we are not covered by the Geneva convention. Best case scenario once Bellos opens the portal we, not them, become a colony. And humans don’t make a habit of treating their colonies with any decency. So, you know... Anyway. Worst case scenario, they’ll just start pumping napalm, anthrax, mustard gas, and all sorts of fun stuff chemical and biological weapons through the portal. Meaning we’ll die. Painfully. Heck, they can even make good on their anti-nuclear proliferation treaties and just throw it all here and make it go boom. Trust me, that alone will be enough to finish sinking the Titan.            

All the other four Blights look at her wide eyed.            

Am: Eh... But you know, I’ll go and tell Luz and Eda. Fir witchkind’s sake or whatever. So... See you guys later.            

Od: *shaking the shock away from her head* Oh... Quite a hurry to go and see Luz, aren’t we Mittens? *a sly smile forming* I’m sorry... I meant YOUR Luz.            

Ed and Em: Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Damn, missed the joke.            

Al just nods in agreement.            

Am: What are you people talking about?            

Od: Oh, it’s nothing really Mittens, my dear child. It’s just that, you seem to be rather attached to her, aren’t you? In a very weird way, but still.            

Am: Weird? Weird how? You’re talking non-sense.            

Ed: No, Mittens, the lady has a point. I don’t get your thought process tonight either.            

Am: I have no idea what...            

Ed: No, seriously. I mean, no need to beat around the bush here: you have a gargantuan crush on her. That’s plenty obvious to everyone here.            

Am: *blushing* No comments.            

Ed: Whatever, I’ll take that to mean you do. So, you see your crush up on the stage. She’s fighting dad’s Thanos thingy. Which, might I add, was being controlled by him. Seriously, what the hell, dude? Is this a way to meet your potential daughter-in-law? Anyway. She’s potentially in mortal danger. And your first thought is: I’m gonna woo her.            

Am: That’s... not what I thought...            

Em: Yeah, Mittens. Sure. That’s why the first you did was to turn around and start climbing the ladders.            

Am: I... They were fighting up there, I wanted to get to close quarters.            

Em: Nope. Not buying it.            

Ed: We were watching it all unfold Mittens, you started climbing the ladders before, long before, they were up there.            

Am: But... the crowd.            

Ed: Dispersed pretty quickly, and knowing Abomination magic, as you do, you definitely knew Thanos would have that effect.            

Am: I... But... I wanted to fight close quarters... and I wanted... the higher ground.            

Em: So... You are up in the pipes, and by then Luz and Thanos are already back in ground level. So you position yourself in the spot with the best lighting and a means for you to quickly climb down - I swear, I’m certain I saw you double checking to make sure you were positioned just right. Then you take your sweet time pulling your hood back up. And finally, then and only then, you go to Luz’s rescue by using your magic. And you do that before you climb down, meaning your magic has enough range, as we’ve all always known, to be effective without the close  quarters or the higher.            

Ed: Come on, Mittens. Just admit it. You wanted to do a super-hero landing in front of your crush. Come on...            

Am: I... Do you think it worked?            

Everyone, expect for Amity, looks at Alador.            

Al: I dunno, why are you asking me?            

Ed: Because somehow out of all of us you’re the one most likely to pick up that sort of stuff.            

Al: Right, and I’m also the one least likely to care.            

Am: I’M YOUR DAUGHTER.            

Em: *taking a deep breath* Okay, lets pause for a second here. Ed, Mittens. Pat yourselves on the back. Come on, do it. Look, I’ll do it too. *begins  patting her own back in tandem with her siblings’ more tentative display*            

Am: Em... Why are we doing this?            

Em: For not succumbing to drugs and alcohol (shrewd ad campaigns on Twitter aside). *Edric and Amity begin patting their backs more enthusiastically, Emira turns to their parents* You know, you two. You should pat yourselves on the back as well. I mean, sure, we’ll need years of therapy to undo all the damage the emotional neglect the both of you show us has caused so far, but no one can say we don’t get plenty of variety.            

Al: Are you done being passive aggressive, Emira?            

Em: What can I say? I’ve learned from the best. *looks at Odalia, who just rolls her eyes*            

Al: *sighing* As for your previous question. The human seemed to be blushing as well. So my best guess is that Amity’s little... spectacle... did work.            

Od: See? And you dare say it was a bad idea to put her on marketing.            

Am: That’s because I had a reason to care when I was doing all that.            

Od: Ohh right, then what do you suggest I had done to make you care about our, emphasis on our, business.            

Am, Ed and Em in unison: Pay us for our labor.            

Am: I mean, seriously. You guys built a whole business model around Abominations: a.k.a. free labor. Sure you could afford to pay us, a.k.a. self aware creatures that are not (and I’ve checked this) Abominations, something.            

Ed: So... again to recap the day. Mom and dad lost their company, Bellos shot himself square in the foot. Hell, even this new coven head pretty much proved his lack of intelligence gathering competence by doing business with us. Today was a failure on every front. Even Luz when you think about it.            

Em: Luz?            

Ed: Yeah... She trusted... her *points at Odalia*.            

Em: Ohh...            

Od: HEY! I’m still your mother.            

Em: Nominally, maybe. Jury still out on that one. Anyway, that reminds me. I want all our financial books for the past five years i my desk, formerly yours, in two days.            

Am: I think my day was pretty successful. I have reason to believe my crush likes me back and I’ll know what a healthy professional and financial life looks like for the first in these 14 groolling and long years of existence. So things are looking up for me. Anyway... Are we done here?            

Am: I guess so, why?            

Am: Cool. Gonna head out.            

Em: Oh, going to let your Luz know of the Emperor’s plan and bask in her presence.            

Am: Emira, I swear in the Titan’s name that if you ever address her like that in front of her they will never find your body. But yes, that’s the gist of it.            

Em: Fine. Actually, wait up. Lilith is living there now isn’t she? I wanted to talk to her.            

Am: Lilith as in Lilith Clawthorne? Eda’s sister? Former head of the Emperor’s Coven? My former mentor? That Lilith?            

Em: Yup.            

Am: Why, pray tell, do you want to talk to her?            

Em: Wanted to hire her. We need a new accountant.            

Am: And you thought of her because...?            

Em: Lack of options?            

Am: I... You know what, fair enough.            

Ed: Hold up. I’m coming with. I don’t like being around them *points at Odalia and Alador*.            

Am: Sure.            

They leaving. Only Odalia and Alador are left in the room.            

Al: Wow.            

Od: I know.            

Al: Just... wow...            

Od: I know.            

Al: I don’t know how to process any of this. It happened all so fast.            

Od: I know.            

Al: Like... no sense of pacing at all.            

Od: I know, Alador. Titan do I know.            

Al: Almost as if everyone’s words were being written by an extra-dimentional entity that reaaally wanted to rant but didn’t want to put out their opinions in a more reasonable manner, and wasn’t even remotely concerned with making it sound like a normal conversation.            

Od: I know.            

Al: Anyway. We failed as people, didn’t we?            

Od: *sighing* I know.            

[neonnhoney-rec]

Kim Seokjin

Here are a few jin recs, most of them I've read and love, some are in my TBR. Tbh most of them are smut, but some are fluff and angst mostly angst. I will keep updating this woop woop.

I hope you enjoy tehee!

urs- @floralseokjin

first time with jin

seokjin’s been dreaming of this moment for so long… 

what 2 do- @floralseokjin

what happens when the college roommate you thought was definitely going to be girl turns out to be the most gorgeous guy you’ve ever encountered in all your years of life? It’s a stupid misunderstanding on your part, but maybe, just maybe, it won’t be so bad after all…

corrupting oppa- @tayegi

you find out jin’s a virgin after watching a sex scene, and you’re about to change that

the pretending- @tayegi

jin’s in heat and he wants you to give a helping hand

a helping hand- @jjungkookislife

two old friends at a party, drunk, only one thing can happen really, let’s be honest

teach me- @kingsuckjin

Your reputation was no secret in school even before you hit eighteen and nineteen. You were trouble and everyone knew it, you weren’t about to ease up with the final few months left either, you were going to go full force. You wanted one good last big stunt to pull before the end of the year, your last year. Only one thing could top the things you’ve done, you were going to have sex with the hottest teacher in your school.

burden- @neonlights92

After the death of his wife during childbirth Kim Seokjin is unable to hold his baby daughter without grief taking control. Just three weeks after the love of his life is taken from him so suddenly, Jin is expected to marry somebody new.

You are foolish and have spent your whole life pining after Kim Seokjin from afar, even after he marries your best friend, Seul.  But suddenly Seul is gone and you are expected to marry Jin and raise his child. You know your heart is already in it, but what about his?

I though I was alone @aroseforyoongi

On the day your boyfriend cheats on you, Seokjin is there to provide comfort and some greatly needed affection. He is the perfect roommate and friend. Always patient and willing to lend an ear. It is then, when you’re with him, that you realize that maybe you want more

slayer: only human- @gimmeyoon

Being the Slayer is not how you imagined spending your life, let alone your first year in college. You try to keep it together, but when an empath demon rolls into town you can’t help but vent to him. Now he knows exactly what makes the Slayer tick.

my last- @imsarabum

Jin smut where it’s your first time and they’re loving to you and you had doubts and you were nervous

club zombie- @floralseokjin

In a world overrun by zombies, you’d think everyone was a goner, but the reality is much different. A steady diet of brains lets a zombie exist as a fully functioning human. Just ignore the part where they’re technically dead… In fact, these days, the amount of zombies outweigh the humans. A lot jump at the chance to be turned. Beg for it. 

Kim Seokjin controls the underground of Seoul. No one would dare cross him. That’s how most of the world goes these days. You wouldn’t want to get on the wrong side of a zombie now, would you? However, you don’t quite see it like that. Spending most nights dancing at the club he owns, you catch his eye. It’s never the wrong side if you’re underneath him, right…?

insatiable- @heartbeatan

The mortal man with a broken heart and confidence. You, a succubus, donned with the task of restoring both.

the medical man- @call-me-bha

It was no surprise to anyone who knew Dr. Kim that he was the fantasy of many women, even the ones who weren’t his patients. His talents were known all across the city and you were no exception to the list of “fans” he had

a little slice of heaven- @alittlesugaorspice

You have been out of a job for a while until an ad caught your eye in the paper. After that, everything had quickly changed with the addition of a handsome CEO and six, quirky, kids in your life

roomie- @hobibliophile

When you first moved in with Jin, you thought you had hit the roommate jackpot. Turns out, living in the same apartment with this gorgeous man is a lot harder than you thought it’d be. He didn’t do anything wrong, and neither did you. It’s just this pesky thing called sexual tension.

base to base- @randombtsprincessa

You reminisce about your relationship with your boyfriend over the course of four bases.

hazy- @yoonia

Jin + “You have no idea what you have gotten yourself into.”+ Pub au

peach parfait- @jamaisjoons

you and seokjin have always been at odds as the top two chefs at big hit academy of culinary arts. enemies to lovers au

the stranger @btssmutgalore

When your plane hits turbulence, you start panicking and tell some of your biggest secrets to the attractive stranger sitting next to you.

washing machine- @btssmutgalore

Jin shows you another way to use the old washing machine.

off limits @floralseokjin

you’ve been lusting after your brother’s best friend for a while now, ever since you met him at a house party, flirting it up a storm as you failed to realise who the other was. That was months ago now and things are still awkward, but you can’t ignore the sexual tension that’s simmers between the two of you…and it keeps getting worse…

father of six (wolf pups that is)- @army-author

There are rumours going around our school about a pack of werewolves that live close by. Of course, I don’t believe it, but you have been acting kind of weird lately…

currents- @yeoldontknow

Jin thinks he’s loved you since the moment he saw you, back when you were teenagers; Jin knows he’s been in love with you, the soul burning kind of love, since he saw you on your wedding day. He doesn’t mind that you don’t reciprocate on his level, he’s just happy to show you he cares. Until one day, he simply can’t anymore. Until one day, you realize you need to show him you care, too.

petals- @bloomsuga

After a tense conversation the previous day leaves you unsure of your relationship status, your boyfriend, flower shop owner and single dad, Kim Seokjin, finds an unprecedented way to make it up to you…

sharing is caring- @littlemisskookie

Jin graciously decides to loan you to handsome Park Jimin for the night.

perfect- @btssmutgalore

Your roommate seems to have it all - great grades, amazing friends, good job, beautiful girlfriend. However, after a bad breakup and a long recovery, you realize there’s one thing he’s missing

lovely little mess- @guksheart

telling seokjin of your pregnancy should not be so daunting, but you keep it hidden from him as long as you can—at least until you are sitting with him in a bathtub and the secret comes spilling out. (expecting parents au)

London calling- @talie98

Camera operator Rory James thinks she is going to another filmmaking conference. Everything changes when she gets on the same plane with Kim Seok-jin. 

daydream- @dom-joonie

Your literature professor has a bit of a…gift. A gift that let’s him see other peoples thoughts when he wants to. And despite the fact that he warns his class openly about this gift, one day you forget, and find yourself in a bit of pickle when Kim Seokjin reads your mind, and finds you imagining some not so school appropriate scenarios…involving him.

sexploration- a little tied- @joopiterjoon

sub jin get’s a little tied up

a kiss of marble- @jinpire (kimtrain ao3)

His gaze trails down your nose and lingers on your lips, before falling to the curve of your neck and the tiny bend of your shoulder visible above your t-shirt, the attention so acute and suggestive that it feels like a tangible brush on your skin. “Hmm… I’ve got a few ideas.” [Vampire!Seokjin, donor! reader]

lost control- @floralseokjin

you’ve always wondered what it would feel like to take control in the bedroom for once and Seokjin’s more than happy to let you do as you please…

sunrise- @ironicarmy

During the trip to his parent’s lakehouse, you and Jin decide it is now the perfect time to Marvin Gaye, after years of waiting for the right moment. However, with your friends tagging along and their own emotional baggage to deal with, having the perfect night is proving to be a challenge. So, will you, or won’t you?

dear ophilia- @noir0neko

The most dangerous people can be the most exciting…(bit dark, just a warning)

the devil wears armani- @floralseokjin

You never imagined accidentally attempting to sell your soul to the devil would lead to this…

float like a butterfly swim like a fish- @bangtaninink

pool sex with college senior and captain of the swim team jin

burgers, fries, and some ice- @moononthejoon 

saying i love you to someone for the first time should not be in a diner in the middle of nowhere, but things never go the way you want them to be

definitely you- @moononthejoon

money can buy you everything, well, not everything, it can’t buy love. seokjin had found that out and now he remained wifeless. little did he know he would find love where he least expected it.

bite!- @nottojay

Jin’s calm and collected; you’re anything but. Jin’s got fangs and super strength, and you can put up with Taehyung and Jimin’s antics.

just a coffee- @mind-of-a-hardstan

Jin comes back to visit a few months after he moved away to study. You invite him over for coffee and naturally you end up talking for hours. And then you end up in his lap… 

the green light- @nottojay

Seokjin has the looks. He has the money. He has the success. He has the friends. He has it all. Well, all except you. The light at the end of the dock.

before the after- @ddaengyoonmin

The end of the world kinda happens

“I wouldn’t fuck you if you were the last man on earth”

first time with jin- @inkjam-moon

reader’s first time

carnival rides- @geniuslab

Working at your parents’ funnel cake stand during the summer sounds like a decent enough gig. But you didn’t quite plan for the exhausting heat or the cute gelato guy who would make it his mission to get you to like him. Warning: This ride will get you wet!

sleeping with a friend- @underthejoon

friends to loves, a classic

big dick, big heart- @floralseokjin

your new boyfriend has a really big dick

guarded- @kpopfanfictrash

 “Was that supposed to be a wink, or did you blink at different times on purpose?”- life guard au

under the coven’s protection- @army-author

I’m a vampire, and you’re a human who’s prone to getting hurt. Please take better care of yourself, or I might not be able to control myself!

bound for life- @versigny

ummm pegging? 

best friend- @littlemeowmeowschimmy

Being away from your best friend for years suddenly sparks some sexual tension which both of you don’t have a problem releasing 

dimple- @floralseokjin

What’s the rule again? How many dates does it take for you have sex with a guy? Three? Five? Ten?! What if all this waiting and you can’t remember how to do it? It’s been so long since the last time you swear you’ve forgotten! You’re desperate, and that’s how you end up asking your roommate for help. Only trouble is, you get much more than you bargained for…

enraptured love- @kookscrescent

You are still in the beginning stages of your relationship. Still learning about each other, and both enjoying taking things slow, but at this stage you are both more than ready to take things a step further. 

rock hard- @jiminspjm 

“recreational activities make me hard” - rock climbing au

the man in the pink cape- @randombtsprincessa

You reminisce about your relationship with your boyfriend over the course of four bases.

love bite- @taetaesbaebaepsae

Seokjin knows he’s handsome, but he can’t shake the feeling that maybe you want him for something other than his good looks…

serendipity- @iq-biased

A string of events after a one night stand have you getting closer to a single dad than you’d initially intended.

(s)ex calling- @mintedmango

Your life was in shambles. No job, no money for your next semester in college and your roommate won’t let you mooch off of him again… What are you supposed to do when you see an ad for the HOTLINE app? Turn down easy money? This summer was going to be one you never forget!

softy- @gukptune

a freshman and senior seemingly despise each other, one says the other acts older than they are and one says the other acts like a child, a feud brewing within the estranged pair

golden boy- @kpopfanfictrash 

The golden boy of the porn industry, prettier than half his female co-stars. Will sue if you pull his hair. Always bothering his neighbors with pizza delivery.

amaranthine- @versigny

vamp Jin Drabble

the stalk- @versigny

single mum reader

Piece by piece- @underthejoon​

a collection of drabbles where your love life is muddied up by two men – the one you love and the one that loves you.

[msephy]

Upbringing chap 7/?

Woops, I forgot to post chapter 7 here so here it is. Chapter 8 following right after.

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6

Cross-posted to AO3

Earth 53? - Jason Todd

Jason was in a mood, which was never good news. He’d started the day by waking up in the manor which was weird enough. He’d hoped to grab breakfast to eat it on his own but Alfred had frowned at him and made it impossible to resist him by serving him his favorite tea.

Then Damian and Dick had arrived.

They were both supposed to go to school and they both came up with excuses. Alfred, despise his stern exterior, had never been that good for having his wards follow normal rules – he had raised Batman after all – and seemed to think that keeping an eye on him was more important than a day of school. Heh. Some things never changed.

Bruce, of course, only got up an hour after the brat were supposed to be away and didn’t even react to their presence. Jason was starting to assume that his doppelganger was the voice of reason around here which was weird in so many ways he didn’t even know where to start.

Then Damian and Dick seemed to decide he wasn’t to be left alone and followed him everywhere. At some point, Jason had had to push back. “Do you really want to follow me in the bathroom? There is two of you, just fucking stay at the door if you want.” Which he’d slammed in their faces.

Of course, he’d had to then slip out by the window because, really, kids? That was a rookie mistake.

He’d just came back right in from the front door to surprise Damian and Dick running down the stairs toward the library. Sorry; Damian was sliding down the ramp and Dick just jumped from the first floor. Show-off.

They both stopped when they noticed him. Dick looked positively outraged. Damian was merely annoyed.

Jason smirked at them. “You were heading down to see Bruce? Good idea. I hope he at least contacted the League.”

The kids darkened but neither of them dared to suggest he was not welcome in the Cave. In any case, it wasn’t as if they’d be able to stop him.

Bruce was, of course, at the Batcomputer. And closed his files as soon as Jason entered.

“Seriously? If I am to stay for a while, you’ll have to either trust me a little bit or kick me out of the Cave. Not that you could.”

“Of course father would be able to kick you out!” Damian commented with all the arrogance a pompous ten-year-old could muster. “At least with my help.”

Jason snorted. “Sure, brat-bird. Your skills are the highest ever, despite your lack of reach and muscle.”

“I was trained by the best masters…!”

“Don’t sweat it. Enjoy the opportunity to be a kid while you’re one.”

Damian looked even more offended and, from Bruce’s wince, his words hadn’t been the wisest. Jason sighed. “Alright, what about we spar a bit together? That will give to your Bat-dad the time to order his folders and decide which one he can safely open in my presence and I might even teach you a trick or two.”

Damian didn’t look very enthusiastic, until he suddenly realized he would have the opportunity to both punch the man who had insulted him and to prove his worth to Bruce. Jason grimaced when he recognized the behavior. He had had the exact same one when he’d been Robin.

Dick settled to watch, likely hoping to ask for a spar too after they were done, or to give a report to Bruce who had turned back to the Batcomputer.

Or, you know. Maybe he was just curious.

Jason was wearing the sweatpants he’d been loaned the previous day and Damian also wore comfortable clothes, so they went on the mat. To Jason’s surprised, instead of attacking right away, Damian started by stretching his joints. He even sniffed when he noticed Jason didn’t, so Jason had to follow suit. Fine. It was good practice, in any case.

Twenty minutes later, Damian’s impatience finally won over his desire to follow the rules (where did that one come from in any case?) and he took his position, waving Jason forward. The little shit.

Jason snorted, taking the time to finish the stretching he was doing before straightening up. He smirked. How was he going to play this?

In the end, he didn’t have the time to decide: Damian attacked. Jason parried, taking the kick that followed and grabbed his ankle, pulling to make Damian loose balance. Damian raised his other foot to kick again, going down on his hands instead.

That wasn’t a good idea. Jason only took the second ankle on his other hand, and lifted him. Damian squeal couldn’t qualify as a cry of rage.

“Against a stronger opponent, don’t kick, especially when unarmed,” Jason commented, letting him go. “You’re quick but not that quick.”

“Go to hell!” Damian growled, attacking with more rage and more focus, punching left, right, left again, then trying to kick Jason’s feet out of him – out of range of his hands, good.

“Move around me,” Jason advised. “Best way to judge if an unknown opponent is agile or not.”

“Shut up and fight!” Damian roared, punching him in the face.

Jason grunted, missing his helmet. He left it at home the previous day and would be missing for a long while. Though he supposed he should be thankful: Bruce wouldn’t have liked to meet him in a red hood.

He allowed Damian to hit him a few more times, in the arms and torso, then slapped his wrist away while the kid was fully extended and, while he was unbalanced, guided him straight into an arm lock. Then sighed when Damian tried to struggle away.

“Don’t break your own arm. Even in an actual fight it would be too debilitating. You should rather wait for your opponent to relax his attention and attack then.”

Jason let him go. Thankfully, Damian had been too ruffled to actually follow through and stomped away like the child he was. Jason snorted. Dick was looking at him eagerly and, for a moment, he thought about ignoring him. Damnit. He was so earnest and way too close to the original.

Also, just a kid, damnit. He wasn’t going to freak out over a kid, was he?

“Alright, come on,” Jason said before he could change his mind.

Dick grinned and attacked straight from the side of the mat. His movements were graceful and unexpected and way less technical than Damian’s. That would give him an edge against most of his opponents, who weren’t used to facing acrobats.

Of course, Jason was another matter. He pretended to be surprised by his moves, then to get mad, punching around Dick – until the teenager made a mistake. Jason didn’t hesitate, hitting him in the stomach hard enough for Dick to have his lungs emptied of air, bending forward.

Jason grabbed his hair, pushing his head down to his knee. He stopped just short of actually making contact. Dick swallowed.

Jason released him, allowing him to slip on the ground and regain control of his breathing. “You move well. But you don’t have practice with actual fighting, contrarily to Damian. Stick to long-range weapons until you get better.”

Dick coughed, nodding. Bruce was frowning at them from the computer, clearly not appreciating the lessons Jason had inculcated. Jason frowned right back.

“Do you actually want him to end up in the streets with this level of skill? If you don’t want Robin to exist, you should tell him so. Damian, of course, is a totally different matter. Aren’t you, brat?”

But, as Jason looked around, Damian was nowhere to be seen. Bruce blinked, having only just realized the same thing, then sighed.

“Dick, go check on him. Just in case.”

Dick nodded, getting up on weak legs, his breathing still shallow. Jason joined Bruce at the computer. “So, do you have any news from the League?”

“I contacted them. They’re assessing the situation.”

“Damnit,” Jason swore. “None of them ever travelled to other worlds, did they? Shit.”

“We’ll find a way.” Bruce tone was definitive. Someone was missing his brother alright.

“Fine. In the meantime, give me work, or I swear to god I’ll die of boredom before any exchange can take place. Babysitting, really?”

“I didn’t ask them to do anything.”

Jason snorted. “Right.”

Bruce pursed his lips and waved him to one of the monitors. “Start by getting up to date with how things are in the city. You won’t be of any use if you’re just following me around.”

“Fine.” It was busywork, but it was still better than babysitting. Besides, Bruce was right.

Jason sat down, and started reading.

Dick came back downstairs about half an hour later, looking pale. “Bruce, it’s Damian.”

Bruce sighed. “What did he do?”

“I can’t find him! He’s gone.”

###

Earth 1 – Jason Wayne

Flying on Gotham’s rooftops was freeing. Jason smiled, following Nightwing through the city, paths half known, like discovering her all over again. She felt more like she’d had when he’d been a boy, but yeah. Still. That was his city alright.

Nightwing stopped at the top of the tallest building around, actually sitting on one of the gargoyles. Jason couldn’t help but laugh, pausing besides him.

“Such theatricality. I approve.”

Dick’s smile had a dangerous edge with that mask of his. Jason shuddered. It was weird to think this was Dick at all. This man was dangerous and fascinating – and it came from a hard, dangerous life. How much pain had he endured to end up like this?

And the way he moved… Jason couldn’t wait to see him fight.

“Thank you for babysitting me, by the way,” Jason continued. “I had not hoped to be given the opportunity to be out at night.”

“Cassandra told me you’d been trained by the League of assassins,” Dick commented, a non-question worthy of Bruce.

“I went along when Bruce decided to train. We found the League together. I’m much more of a pencil-pusher than him, lately, though.”

“You really don’t move like one.”

Jason couldn’t help but to grin his most dangerous smile.

A scream echoed far below; just at the right time. They both dove, Jason firing his line then realizing Dick hadn’t. He almost plunged to grab him by the foot when he heard Nightwing’s delighted laugh.

“Jackass,” Jason whispered, his grin widening.

When he finally joined in, the fight was all but done. He arrived just in time to stop the last thug who was trying to escape, landing on his back and taking advantage of his surprise to tie up his arms behind his back. As he only wore a generic black costume and mask, he stayed away while Nightwing reassured the victims.

They were two old ladies, one of whom was proudly straightening the umbrella she’s apparently broke on one of the thugs’ back. The other woman was putting away her pepper spray in her back.

Jason smiled. Right. Good old Gotham, where thugs had to go around in threes even to aggress old people. Maybe they hadn’t needed their help, in the end.

“Are you eating well, young man?” The umbrella one was telling Nightwing. “Running around all night, you need to take care of yourself.”

“I am, Ma’am, thank you for asking.”

“Are you sure? If not, Manuela’s youngest is still free, you know. She makes the best risotto in town.”

“Leave the poor boy alone, Christa. Don’t you see his boyfriend is waiting?”

“Ah, I’m not…” Jason tried, stifling a laugh.

“It’s alright, dear boy,” the pepper spray woman said. “We’re opening-minded ladies.”

And she winked at him. Jesus. It was all he could do not to laugh.

They finally managed to leave the pair, making sure they didn’t need to be escorted home (“We’ll be fine, honey”), and finished tying up the thugs to a lamp post. Nightwing was grinning maniacally as they climbed back on the roofs.

“Sometimes, I love Gotham,” Jason said.

“People here are the worst,” Nightwing answered, but he was still smiling.

“Yep. The most resilient, too.”

“I guess they are.”

Jason titled his head. “I shouldn’t pry.”

“Then don’t?” Nightwing’s tone, playful, with the imperceptible bite of a warning.

“You’re a marvelous fighter, a delight to watch. A true wonder,” Jason said, choosing his words carefully.

Nighting’s sight was theatrical, dismissive. “But?”

“I do mean it,” Jason laughed.

“Yet there is a ‘but’, isn’t there?”

“Isn’t here always? Yeah, there is. You lived a hard life, it shows. Take care of yourself.”

Dick blinked behind his mask, turning around. Jason had surprised him. Too late, he tried to grin again.

“I do! Self-care is all the rage right now.”

“I mean it, Dick,” Jason said, softly enough that nobody but them would hear the name. He raised a hand before the young man could laugh it off. “I know, I know, none of my business. Don’t compare storylines. We’re basically the same age. Did I cover everything?”

“About it, yeah,” Nightwing answered, startled into sincerity.

“And true, nonetheless. I hope our Dick is spared your hardships. I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t change any of it. I know I wouldn’t and my childhood was pretty depressing. I’m not telling you to change your lifestyle, either. Hell, I love the life. Just, take care, alright?”

Nightwing didn’t say anything for a long time. Then he just nodded, once. They he took off and Jason followed him, flying high over Gotham.

[ncis-nola-ponderings-and-others]

Sibling brawl

Slowing his walk to read his phone out in the alley, Pride looked up upon hearing a loud clatter from inside the squad room followed by bickering and cheering. He noticed Roy trying his hardest not to laugh but definitely had a distinct grin on his face.

Pride:*sigh* What’s goin’ on Roy?

But the officer merely chuckled and pointed over his shoulder towards the squad room. Pride had a feeling what he was heading into, if someone had entered NCIS and started making a ruckus Roy would be in there in a flash to break it up and arrest the person, taking them to the interrogation room or over to the station if it wasn’t NCIS’s jurisdiction. But he wasn’t. He was out here in the alley, laughing. “Maybe I should jus head back out and buy some snacks…” Pride thought, hoping to escape the craziness within. But the more he thought of it the more he realised that good parents don’t just walk out the house if their kids are fighting, so he took a breathe of preparation and went in.

He stood in the large doorway just taking in the scene.

“GO ON GREGORIO!! GET HIM!!” cheered Patton from beside Chris’s desk. “SEBASTIAN YOU CAN’T KEEP GETTING YOUR BUTT KICKED BY HER!!” Chris himself encouraged from beside the computer expert. And then there were the remaining two agents. Scuffling, launching themselves at the other and generally looking like a couple of 3 year olds fighting over a new toy. Pride stood unnoticed for several minutes, he looked over to Hannah who had a rather defeated look as she went about some work on her computer. She also had noise cancelling headphones on. ‘What a great idea. I’m gonna need to ask her where she got those…’ the lead agent thought to himself despite the rumpus.

“T!! Unleash you’re inner New Yorker! Come on girl! Don’t let our city down!” “Sebastian, c'mon man you got a height advantage against her, use it!”

Still in disbelief, Pride eventually cleared his throat and looked at them all expectantly, bar Hannah who was still blocking the chaos out quite successfully. The two spectators ceased their cheers and woops as they saw their dad-boss had returned. “Hey look LaSalle and update! Let’s go check it out!” “Right behind you!” The two men booked it into the kitchen to hide, they peeped through the little window though not wanting to miss the rest of the show.

Clearing his throat again but getting no response he saw that the only sane agent in the room had looked up and him and given him a sympathetic smile. She did that before opening her desk draw, ruffling around and producing a teeny little airhorn and giving it a shake.

‘Ok perhaps the craziness has rubbed off on her already…’ The squeaky blare was finally enough to stop the brawling agents who stopped mid bundle with Tammy hanging off of Sebastian as she had tried to use her weight on the back of his shoulders to make him fall back and Sebastian was trying to pry her fists off of his shoulders. The two, who looked quite cartoon like, looked at Hannah expectantly. She merely gestured with her eyes to the entrance.

To say they had a look of ‘uh oh’ would be an understatement. “Hannah?” “Yes Pride?” “How often has this happened since you’ve been in charge?” He himself had surprisingly seen fights between his agents but the young woman already seemed quite accustomed to them. “Often enough from me to stock a mini airhorn in your desk.” “Right…” “Sometimes all I can do is let them fight it out.”

Pride sighed and walked over to Tammy and Sebastian who were still frozen in place. He plucked Tammy from gripping Sebastian, popped her down and separated the two of them. “Either of you want to tell me what’s goin’ on?”

“Dakota brought in a dead rat she found on a walk and he went crazy about it before I had the chance to pick it up and throw it into the garden!” “Dead. Rat. You do hear yourself saying that don’t you?” “I couldn’t get her to drop it on the way home so I waited until she did, it just happened to be in the hall!” “DEAD. RAT. In our HOUSE!!!“ “Geez! I cleaned it up and disinfected the spot! You didn’t need to steam clean the whole hall!” “Are you kidding?!” “You gave my dog FIVE baths!!”

Hannah listened with interest as Pride looked between them as though he were watching a tennis match.

“*sigh* Sebastian, work with Patton, Gregorio, with me.” “♪You’re in trouble, you gotta go with Priiiiide.♪” “You like the current arrangement of your face Sebastian?!” snapped the New Yorker taking a swing at him. Stepping between the two with a hand on each of their shoulders he continued “And boys? Don’t encourage them.“ Chris and Patton looked alarmed at him knowing them were there and flew through the kitchen and into the courtyard. Sebastian, too, plodded out towards them and Tammy stomped off to the car.

Rubbing his temple, Pride looked at Hannah. “When are you coming back again?” “Sooner than I thought apparently.“ Hannah laughed and stood up to stretch. “I’ll go and observe the guys in Patton’s office.” “Thanks Khoury. I'll call Laurel, tell her she’s technically got four or five extra brothers and sisters I need to take care of." That earned another laugh from newest agent as she headed in the direction of the others.

Reaching his car Pride climbed in and looked over at Tammy who was staring at her feet with her arms folded grumpily. He couldn’t help but finally grin. "C'mon New York, let’s go talk to Loretta.”

[deiupvote]

This weekend, I was in one of my best friend’s weddings. The bride, my friend, is diabetic and forgot her insulin when we went to the church, so technically, diabetes is the villain of this story.No problem. I volunteered to go back to her house to pick it up. I like a mission. Me against diabetes. After a morning of bridal stuff, my adrenal glands were more than happy to kick some dust off.The bride says the back door is unlocked, so I dash to her house, drifting the corners (in my mind), finding the apex in the road. The back door is not unlocked. No doors are opened, but I am NOT taking the L on this.All of us bridesmaids had gotten ready at her house earlier, and one of the other bridesmaids was leaning out her window on the 2nd floor smoking. I gaze up at her window, praying that it’s still unlocked. I know this house. I went to high school with the bride, snuck out of that window onto the roof, and clambered down the tree beside the house many times.Only this time, I am in a strapless, tight, mermaid style dress. Driving a stick in this constricting skirt was challenge enough. There is no way on God’s green earth that I can climb a tree.Its barely above freezing, but this is a DefCon 2 situation.I’m in the back yard, and there is only one house that can see me. I accept the crazy-low odds that the grandparents that live next door will notice me. Decidedly incorrect assumption because apparently, Gramps has assigned himself the position of overwatch.I kick off my heels, sling off my jacket (it’s barely above freezing), and toss the Morticia Addams-style bridesmaid dress over the fence. I pat my old friend, the tree, and begin to climb. I’m sure I sloth-climbed it, but the adrenaline pulsing through my veins has me convinced that I ninja warriored that shit.The window is unlocked. Oorah!Once I open it, I ungracefully fall into the room from the roof. I don’t care because the distinctly male movie announcer voice in my head is sexily broadcasting the trailer for the movie I’m acting out. The crowd cheers when my icicle toes hit the hardwood floors. I’m killing it.The room looks like a girl bomb exploded. Curlers, hairdryers, make-up bags, and clothes cover every square inch of the carpet. I super kung fu hop over the piles to the dresser where she said her insulin bag would be. It’s not there.I rifle through the piles, shaking like a scared dog from the cold. Nope. To the bathroom. Nope. A massive rock drops into my stomach when I can’t find her insulin. The clock is ticking. I launch down the stairs, two at a time and run through the house as my eyes scan every surface.I find it on the kitchen counter, a full floor away from where she thought she left it.Booyow! I’m back in the game. I shotgun pump my arm and grab the bag.I make sure I can lock the kitchen door from the inside. I mentally check-yep, I left all of my stuff outside.I step into the garage, shutting the door behind me. As I’m jiggling the locked doorknob, I hear the Woop Woop of a police car.I slowly turn and do some weird half raise of my hands. There are two…TWO cops in the driveway. All official and stern-looking. In a split second, I flash on images. I’m in the back of the police car, handcuffed, search warrants are getting issued. I see the courtroom, a stern judge and an unforgiving jury. In a moment of catastrophic cognitive dissonance, I swear I heard my brain misfire.The only thing that zaps me back to reality is that I kid you not- my boobs are two frozen ice-cones. I’m going to have the pleasure of explaining this shit-show to the officers while wearing nothing but my fancy thong and lacy, strapless bra because genius me didn’t want panty lines… and my hot-ass guy will be wearing a tux to the wedding. Nuff said.I could have vaporized on the spot from the humiliation as the officers approach me.I don’t even know what I said. I virtually shoved the bag of insulin at the older cop and vomited out the preposterous details of this Texas-sized oof that landed me in my skivvies, coming out of a house that I technically broke into.They try to keep a straight face, but then I start to laugh. It begins as a small embarrassed chuckle, but then it takes on a life of its own, commandeering all of my self-control and flinging it into the icy wind with the ashes of my dignity. I howl. Tears run down my face and I shoot strangled, inhuman sounds at them. I can make no sound other than drawn-out vowels. God, it’s embarrassing.The cops are trying to ask me questions, and instead, they get Mutley the dog. All I can do is wheeze, or tear and shake from the cold. Finally, I beg them to let me put my clothes on.One gallantly swings his arm to tell me to proceed to the back yard to recover my assortment of clothing cringingly clinging to the fence. They are gentlemen about it as I jump and shimmy into this hell-contraption of a bridesmaid’s dress.They ask me if there is anyone that I can call from the family to confirm the story.I call the bride. She doesn’t pick up.I call the bride’s mom. She doesn’t pick up.I call the love of my life. He picks up on the first ring. God, I love that man. He doesn’t know why I left the church but immediately goes into solve-this-shit-fast mode. He gets the Bride’s dad. It gets sorted.My guy is waiting in the parking lot when I pull up. Panic rolls across his face when he sees me, thinking I have been crying. I laugh the rest of my make-up off with him when I tell him the story. We’re getting married soon, and I think the bride should have to perform a commensurate task to climbing a tree in freezing weather in her underwear. I’m definitely taking suggestions.This all happened in a decently small town. This story has ripped through the gossip mill like Taco Bell through the colon. My oldest brother is apparently friends with the “young” cop that I could never make myself look in the eye. Yep- never living this down, and I’m never more grateful to have moved away.Also, LPT- I’m an idiot, so maybe you all know this, but don’t hand your phone to the police. Put the call on speaker or show the text from your hand. Do not physically place your property in the care of the police. Advice from a law student who was more than happy to lecture me for 20 minutes at the reception.TLDR; Title says it all. Insulin is a life-saving drug, and at least for one day, I kicked diabetes ass. You gotta do what you gotta do, even if it means being a streaking, Tarzan cat-burglar. via /r/tifu