#this spiraled into a. thing. which is annoying
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Iâm thinking about jlh will and being jealous. so far we only saw him being possessive with people who knew mack was with him.
But what will happen if another alpha tries his luck with mack? Or if the internet found more proof that mack is dating an alpha whoâs not will!
Also, mack was canonically at the quinn hughes hockey camp and i just know will now has beef with the hughes brothers (why did mack say that luke is so good at hockey? What does this mean! Leno and Gabo just mute the group chat at this point)
The thing is, Will's had his moments. Like, remember during Worlds? When Cutter didn't know? When he kept calling Mack bratty and pretty and Will had to bite his tongue, had to sit with it, because he couldn't actually sat actually, he's mine, and I like when he's like that without outing them both. That whole trip was Will walking a knife's edge. Like, that moment across the street with Team Canada, when Will saw Mack laughing with his stupid teammates and something in him just ached. Ached to touch him. Ached to take him back. Not ven in a jealous way, just... his. Like you belong with me. Like I know how to hold you when you're tired. Like I know how to make you fall apart in my arms. He just wanted to keep him. And when he finally did, when Cutter found them, Will didn't even care anymore, didn't even flinch with Mack asleep against his chest. It was like Will was high on it. Possessive and proud
And even in chapter one, it's there. That moment in the Esplanade when Will watches Mack with his BU teammates, pretending to be annoyed by him, pretending to be unaffected, but deep down, he's already spiralling. Because Mack is radiant in that Boston afternoon light, all cocky smiles and dumb jokes. And deep down, Will's like: don't share that with them. Like you're not supposed to look like that for anyone else. Like why aren't you here, with me, where you belong?
And then there's the internet angle, which kills me. Like imagine Mack's on a draft panel or something, smiling at another Alpha too long. Or people dig up some clip of him laughing at someone else's joke on the bench, or skating next to someone in warm-ups. Maybe it's Lane. Maybe it's literally Luke Hughes. And the rumors start flying, again.
Will's like. Calm on the outside. Polite. But the group chat is suffering
And oh my god, Leno and Gabe absolutely mute the chat. Like, Will starts sending blurry screenshots with captions like "who the fuck is this?" and "why is it always the devils?" and "if he liked playing with him so much, maybe he should've gone to Michigan" and "that was a JOKE." And they're just like "muted for 8 hours." "muted for life."
Meanwhile Mack is being so casual about it, which only makes it worse. Like he thinks Will's being funny. He's like "you're so dramatic" while literally wearing his hoodie and sitting in his lap. And Will's like "Iâm not being dramatic. I just think Luke Hughes has weird hair and I could take him in a fight."
And Mack just smirks and kisses his jaw and tells him to calm down.
(He does not calm down)
#anon what have you done?#i was supposed to be editing chapter 14#and instead here i am writing an essay on wsh jealous of luke hughes?????#maybe for chapter 15?#we'll see#my fic#just like heaven#willmack#asks
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Thank you guys for dealing with me
#man I have just been really upset lately actually#late 2024 to now has just been the mask I didnt know I had was slipping#and me going âoh actually I'm pretty miserable and I was just trying to hide it from myself. what the fuck.â#and keeping those bad feelings away is getting harder and harder#i broke down completely a few days ago and had to leave dinner so my dad checked on me because I left my plate and i just. unloaded on him#I didn't even get to say everything because there's so much and im still learning how to articulate what makes me mad about my situation#he said that he can get me to see a professional (I was like LMAO FIRST TIME I SOB IN FRONT OF YOU UNPROMPTED YOU GET PROS INVOLVED?)#<- to be fair both my sisters asked for professional help and have been medicated before and he's on mental health meds too#he said maybe me talking to someone will make things better (I agree because maybe they'll help me be able to make a change in my house)#<- (cuz some stuff is just. unfair actually. and makes me super mad)#(like wdym the only minor works WAYYY more than half the house. wtf)#and also. since my social anxiety has been acting up lately and so has my paranoia. he said maybe medication would help#my social anxiety was so bad before school ended. whenever my Spanish teacher mentioned talking with people i felt sick#I've also hit my limit lately where if I'm having a bad day. one mildly annoying think makes me freak out and spiral#Like having to get toilet paper for the upstairs bathroom bc we ran out made me crash tf out#seeing people get paper plates made me so mad & complained to my sister who called me hostile for some things I said#<- And I started sobbing which was when my dad checked on me and i told him everything#man. being constantly environmentally conscious is so annoying when people in your house don't fucking care sometimes. i get sad#i feel like im personally being punished for needing to see people be wasteful because omg it gives me such guilt#sorry. tangent#i'm just really tired#of everything#I've felt like I've been annoying lately. that im not cool or funny or enjoyable#that I'm a burden you tolerate out of the goodness of your hearts or out of pity#I've felt like that for so so long#It's hard. realizing that being proud of my abilities was what kept me happy for so long. I am proud of what I can do#<- but I don't know if it's sustainable? loving yourself for accomplishments instead of for you#sorry for being depressing#vent
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so. chapter 5 huh.
#hunter the parenting#ramblings abound:#i think this was the first time in a long while i've actively. âgeeked outâ? over something?#don't really like that term but i *did* just sit there emitting various noises awestruckedly. and i don't tend to do that?#certainly been years since i reached a point where the only thoughts i could muster were ''this is so FUCKING COOL'' and such#ok anywase. thoughts. so:#the purple text âjust cause you can dont mean you shouldâ guy is jambles in the credits right. havent seen anyone talk about that yet#fuckin hell. brok character arc possibly incoming. who'da thunk it!#(i'da thunk it there are NO two-dimensional characters in this series (except when they're 2d-animated but i digress))#D's eyes flashing gold???? it might be non-diagetic but like. cmon. of course he's got something going on.#also what's going on with grimal and elise. what is going on with them. hey. hey what is going on. theyre still exceedingly suspicious. hey#matilda...#alright spoiler territory: is the tree arm white moth gift a thing#someone said the umbra looked wyrmy. is she... is she a black spiral dancer?#its been a couple months since i've done a wod loredive so i might be a tad rusty.#also. love how we can see her channeling rage before going glabro#and her crinos..... with that shadow over her face and her eyes glowing............... must admit i am Infatuated. badly. huh who said that#god the whole build up the whole reveal the whole fight the whole aftermath it's all just. so fucking good.#solar sorcery occam mural was great#âgodâ saying fatigue instead of fatigue was great#git???? lost a fucking arm????? is grimal ok???????????#seems like no one died but like. theres def gonna be a hopital scenes.#so wait was spit really just out of ritalin...?#god the fucking. canon ads. NO ONE is doing it like ogre poppenang#brok drank a molotov btw??? almost forgot about that#hang on. does marckus still have the oculus. marckulus. thats for sure gonna be plot relevant right#the fucking. ''cant wait for the audiolog where marckus annoys matilda with questions in their umbra trip'' in the comments section. amazin#amanda... shes getting a raise right. god i hope they don't push matilda's work on her. it *would* be funny but PLEASE she needs a BREAK#wait matilda is full-on garou and her surname is Wilde. probably a pseudonym which makes it even fucking funnier. she did it on purpose
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aauh \why have i been so fucked up today
#ocd is hitting bad... i dont even know why#ive just been stuck in various anxious spirals all day... even taking a nap didnt help#usually my brain picks one to obsess over but today it was just. im a bad person im a bad friend im annoying & my art sucks. all at once#also ive noticed i think my self hatred seems a lot more tied to my ocd than anything? for some reason in my mind its like#being annoying or stupid or bad at art registers as my own personal moral failing in my brain#thus convincing me im a ''bad person'' whenever i think im one of those things. which then causes me to obsess over it#i dunno. its weird and it sounds stupid but i think its why a lot of other advice for self hatred and etc. hasnt helped as much for me#this suuuuuucks#awoo
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Help complete the poem:
"I bear a heavy somethingnothing others seem to lack, they drift and frolic freely, no weight dragging at their backs. I keep with me my somethingnothing, nurturing the rot, as somethingnothing is my bones, it cannot be forgot. I long, I yearn, I try to swim, alas I never float, for there it is, the somethingnothing, tugging at my throat. Somedays I fear my somethingnothing is the whole of me, (now you pick the final line from choices below)
(context: In the game I'm making one of the characters you can talk to is some moody nervous exiled prince and in one quest you can help him with his writer's block on some of his poetry. This is one of the 'poems' (+ menu choice prompts) that I decided not to use in the game, but I thought it was kind of amusing on it's own and might would be fun to see the votes on)
#tumblr polls#polls#Being 'cruel' and choosing 'mean' options in games is a more popular discussion topic but I find cruelty kind of boring. what I actually#enjoy having are SILLY options. to slightly bother a character in a non serious way. Helping him with his poetry and he's like#''huh... what rhymes with 'creep'..?'' and you enthusiastically announce ''PLEEP!!'' and he goes ''-_-..............no...........''#Especially the characters like him who take themselves very very seriously.#Which is interesting since in real life I think I generally seem quite Serious - but I guess moreso in a practical sense. Like I'm a very#goal oriented efficiency focused analytical and meticulous person HOWEVER I also don't have a huge ego so I don't take MYSELF as#a concept very seriously - if that makes sense. I take life and my actions within life seriously. But I'm not like.. one of those people wh#lashes out over any percieved slight or will go into a full emotional drama spiral over someone looking at them weird. I guess that's what#I mean by 'take themselves seriously'. Characters that are like 'I WILL BE THE BEST MOST successful coolest person in all the land#and therefore will explode instantly if embarassed even a small amount because I cannot be seen looking UNCOOL as it goes against#my DEALTHY SERIOUS MISSION to be respected and seen as AWESOME by EVERYONE ALIVE!!' etc. lmao#Which the prince is not like that. But he is that way in kind of an artsy sense. Taking poetic expression VERY seriously. The type to#like sign up for a writing class and then at the very first even slightest tiniest critique the instructor gives him is like... running out#of the class tearfully.. 'YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND MY suffering my PAIN my DEEP PROSE how DARE you correct#my SPELLING ERRRROR!!!' (< said with a rrrroled r in some fancy exaggerated cartoon royal sounding accent)#So I think also with that context. Suggesting the poem (that he undoubetdly sees as the coolest most awesome deepest well written#thing on the planet) should end with a line like 'hee hee give me beans im hungry' is like... dealing an immense blow of psychic damage#Not that he hasn't genuinely suffered in his life still. I don't mean in an 'LOL sincereity is soo lame make fun of anyone who's emotional'#type of way. But more in a ... ''you up until a year ago were an extravagantly rich prince living a life of absolute luxury yet#continuously bemoan how horrible and miserable your life is in every way thus maybe occasionally knocking you down a peg by#annoying you slightly is necessary for your personal growth and ego development'' way lol
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Tobias and Elijah's friendship is so damn complicated because they are each other's longest-standing friends which means they are some level of nice and considerate to one another, but everything about their personalities, opinions and likes/dislikes is the polar opposite of one another. Plus there's the underlying tension brought about by Elijah's strong affiliation to Wammy's House vs Tobias' apathy towards whether Elijah as a person (as in, outside of his skills & whatever else makes him useful) lives or dies.
Elijah's current friendship with Tobias is double-sided in the sense that yes, he does care about that guy a lot, but at the same time he's strategically placed himself in Tobias' close circle to deter him from doing anything Too out of line; a position that embodies the threat of punishment always laying above Tobias' head. Tobias is aware that Elijah is one of the very few people who could successfully backstab him before he could retaliate and kill him, since Elijah's whole job is espionage followed by donning such intricate disguises that he could leave the building to alert Wammy's without even Tobias realizing it.
On the other hand, Tobias keeps Elijah around for his skillset and sometimes comical personality, but he also tries to keep him as far away from him & most of his worse schemes as possible by sending Elijah to other corners of the world, never telling him about certain plans, actively hiding information from him and even training his dogs to turn on Elijah if he (Elijah) were to step too close to something he isn't supposed to, which Tobias knows would surely make its way to Wammy's if Elijah were to leave alive. They're friends, best friends even, but the both of them are aware they're holding a metaphorical gun to each other's head at all times.
#ââ§ . âȘ muse. tobias. â«#ââ§ . âȘ tobias ; meta. â«#ââ§ . âȘ muse. elijah. â«#ââ§ . âȘ elijah ; meta. â«#Tobias is making the most out of Elijah's 'allegiance' to him (sending him on so many undercover missions that give Elijah#no mental health respite; using his Wammy letter in his stead; poking fun at & intentionally annoying Elijah at every step)#because he's aware of What Elijah is doing by sticking so close to him & it's a threat of a betrayal-to-be up chilling up in the air#It's also a psychological thing where Tobias wears Elijah off so much that Elijah spirals & then Tobias steps in to 'help him out'#which in turn makes Elijah feel obligated to return that 'kindness' even tho it was TOBIAS who brought him to that point in the first place#Also I only brought this up during a thread but Tobias' dogs have specific barks for every person who visits Tobias' house#which let blud know ahead of time who's there & if he needs to hide/move/stop a call/etc before they step in#They bark for Elijah scarcely enough to not raise Elijah's suspicions while ALSO spelling it out for Tobias that Elijah's abt to enter#They get very hostile too if Elijah tries to get into places he Should Not Be & they Would kill him if he didn't listen to their growls#They like Elijah for how nice he is to them but at the end of the day THEIR loyalty remains w Tobias & whatever makes TOBIAS happy
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like i distinctly remember my heart going 72728272 miles per hour because i was that anxious to tell my friends about this band i was interested in middle school
#which now that i think about it. isnât normal.#maybe thatâs why u have anxiety disorders đ„°#like they talked about their interests so freely and i appreciated how excited they got but i was like what if they donât take it as#seriously and their image of me would change and that wouldnât be good and it would just be a whole spiral i remember feeling like i wanted#to be normal and talk about these things with people i called my friends but i couldnât?#i had this tv show i was obsessed with and i was scared to talk about it to my parents because i was scared that they would see me#differentlyâŠ. it was a KIDS showâŠ. kids get obsessed with things thatâs normal!!!!!!!!#even now. i have a lot more interests but im still deathly scared of being perceived by others. even my best friend who is like a sister to#me⊠iâm working on that though because she has never once made me feel like iâm annoying her by talking about what i like but the fear is#still there and i donât know how to get it out:(#genuinely from the bottom of my heart i really really really love it when people open up enough to share their interests and likes with me#itâs so endearing seeing how excited they are but when itâs my turn i just feel like disappearing because im scared opening up about normal#things i like and enjoy will change the way they see me ultimately#âïž
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sat down at my laptop and my brain did an immediate "nope, not that" so. i guess i will try writing again later :/
#will I succeed later? my hopes are not high...#which is v annoying bc I have!! things I was looking forward to replying to today!!!#but who knows maybe the brain fog will lift in a few hours & I'll feel more up to things#.....i think I'm actually dissociating rn tbh. feeling v distant and just. idk not really Here.#blaming it on all the shit places my head took me last night lmaoooo I was SPIRALLING dude it was not good#still there a little bit but not nearly as bad adjgksh#ââ Ë â° â° ooc âź donât @ me.#tbd.
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ngl itâs genuinely kinda crazy how much of my life i have lost to mental illness :3 lol
#purrs#not time wise necessarily but like⊠aspect wise. like talking to my friends and pursuing hobbies and doing things that give my life meaning#and the very nature of the mental illness reinforces the detachment and fills me with so so so much shame for having lost these things that#it deters me from fighting to get it back. i feel like my life has gotten so gaunt since covid hit and sometimes it occurs to me how many#terrible things ahve happened and how im still pushing forward and everything is fine except for when i Remember. im feeling it now mr krab#delete later#like i used to be someone who hung out with my friends at least once a week and texted back and wrote poetry and played piano and kept my#room clean and took great care to stay organized and connected. and now at my own hands i am spiralling through space. im fighting my way#out of the quicksand i really think i am trying to but im still very much in the quicksand đ»#side note idk if anyone else is having this problem but lately tumblr has been adding two hashtags to tags which keeps knocking off an#extra character to the end of my tags and itâs fucking annoying. i meant *krabs not krab lol
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#ooooh Iâm on the verge of spiralling a bit I think#like Iâm okay#on the whole#I think?#but like#idk I think everyone dislikes me and finds me annoying which is understandable but it doesnât feel good#probably need an early night#gonna try and sleep myself back to being okay#alright I love you#even though sometimes things arenât great they get better#youâre loved youâre loved youâre so loved#I think I miss some people but I feel like itâs gonna come off so weird if I tell them#anyway
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oops I started thinking about a frustrating event from highschool and spiraled into anger again :/
#original#the initial event was fairly minor and I probably would not have remembered it this long if not for the incredibly frustrating conversation#that ensued when I complained about it tonmy sunday school teachers#there were two things that had happened and which were inextricably intertwined. X was mildly irritating and Y I was somewhat mad about#they then proceeded to tell me that I should not be mad about X#and no matter how many times I insisted that I didn't CARE about X; I was mad about *Y*#they just kept saying that I shouldn't be mad about X#(honestly I'm also annoyed about how they kept insisting on that.#Like. 'you shouldn't be upset about X; it's gonna happen more times in your life and you're gonna have to get used to it'#is incredibly dismissive and if I'd actually been upset about X I would've been pissed with that response for that reason#)#but I was and still am pissed that I kept telling them that I was mad about *Y* not X and they just kept addressing X#come to think of it I don't think they even acknowledged Y at all let alone my righteous anger over it#... writing out these tags is not helping with the spiraling I think#I came up with an analogy/metaphor/parable that might've helped to make my point#and am now also angry that I can't go back in time and make them listen to it and see if it would make them understand
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An unfortunate side effect of having studied gothic lit in college is that I have to subject people close to me to my mad ramblings about which version of Frankenstein is more fucked up on the basis of one (1) detail so minor to the plot that most people forget or don't know there is a difference.
#and i am annoying as fuck about it#which spirals into me saying 'percy shelley top three things: hook up with mary + ozymandias + die'#and 'polidori has one of the best vampire fictions of the era and dracula comes third to me because carmilla exists'
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Most pant zippers
Scissors
A lot of cabinet doors
Phone controls that are easier to swipe from the right side
Those weird little angled spreading knives
Jewelry clasps (not always tho)








and my personal favorite:

i love getting validation as a lefty but also learning about new fun ways it continues to suck
#a lot of things are generally aligned to the right side#which isnât super inconvenient just interesting to think about#can openers tho#can openers are absolutely heinous to use as a leftie#spiral bound notebooks are very annoying#but in like elementary school I started using them backwards lol#like starting writing from the back so the spiral was on the right side#reddit#left handed#lefties losing it#lefties
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Being mean again for a second. I get it but those posts about Mang.ione that are acting like he made a grand heroic sacrifice and shit kind of annoy me. Like he committed a individual act of violence that is going to lead to no overall change besides maybe CEOs getting more paranoid and beefing up their security and shit. Propaganda of the deed does not work like Im sorry
#Like yeah they shouldnt execute him and its cool he killed that guy but if this kind of thing worked things wouldnt be this bad#And like 'well at least he tried!' isnt really something that makes any sense to apply to like. a murder#Like if you have it in you to risk death or life in prison shouldnt you try to do something actually useful.#Obviously though he was a rationalist and wasnt working off a materalist framwork. Which is also important to talk about#I dunno man egg on my face I guess if this does continue to spiral somehow#It is also just annoying seeing people hero worship this guy and like Not Be Communists I'll admit that too
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#simon.md#this is kind of a vent i guess? but just. man i've been doing terrible lately#emotionally i mean. these past like three days have just been bad and i am. . . tired#lonely and afraid of rejection which leads me to not talk which leads me to be lonely.#which makes me want to talk but not know what to talk about and being afraid of being annoying or bothering other people#and it just. compounds on itself#the moral ocd doesn't help because what should be mild criticism or pointing out things i missed makes my brain drive me into a spiral#which is. very not fun. and doesn't help me with wanting to do things! i want to do things and be able to react to criticism!#the way that normal people do!#*and yet. my brain. continues to be itself*#whyyyyy must my first instinct be to isolate myself whenever i'm feeling bad#hhhhh why is my brain like this#feeling bad just makes me even more stuck in front also so the others in the system can't even let me swap out to try and calm down#i hate it here (in my head)#i will probably be better tomorrow but. waugh
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in case of academic emergency, kiss me



pairing â nerd satoru x fem reader
synopsis : youâve never liked musclesâtoo veiny, too try-hard, too gym-bro coded for your tasteâwhich makes satoru gojo the perfect academic crush: lean, bookish, annoyingly brilliant, and safely tucked behind oversized sweaters and wire glasses. heâs the kind of boy who corrects professors mid-lecture and times his pen clicks like a ritual, which you absolutely havenât been documenting in your notebook instead of actual math. youâre three rows behind him in advanced calculus and catastrophically gone, convinced heâs harmlessâuntil a coffee shop collision, one t-shirt, and a deeply inconvenient bicep reveal send you into a full-blown crisis you may or may not kiss your way out of.
tags -> oneshot, fluff and humor, college au, study dates that are actually dates, mutual pining, character study disguised as a crush spiral, satoru is insufferable and hot about it, reader is so mentally ill about one man, study session or seduction who can tell, she thought he was safe (he wasnât), calculus is the least of her problems, emotional damage but cute, he takes off his sweater and ruins her life, majestic art by @/rinoomii on twt âĄ
wc â 10.7k | gen. m.list | read on ao3?
a/n: this was for that one anon who requested a drabble with sleeper build nerdjo, sorry it took so long, take this 10k beast instead mwah đœ
youâve always believed that muscles are fundamentally disgusting. Â
not in a mean wayâmore like how some people think feet are gross or how the texture of velvet makes them want to crawl out of their skin. itâs visceral, unexplainable, the way your stomach turns at the thought of all that bulging mass and veiny definition. which makes your current predicament absolutely, catastrophically ironic. Â
because here you are, sitting three rows behind satoru in advanced calculus, completely and utterly gone for a boy who couldnât look more like heâs never seen the inside of a gym if he tried. Â
the morning light filters through the lecture hall windows, catching the mess of his hairânot quite platinum, not quite pearl, but something like the color of fresh snow under streetlights, if snow could defy gravity and stick up at impossible angles while somehow still looking effortlessly perfect. youâve spent an embarrassing amount of time cataloging the way it moves when he turns his head, the way it catches light like spun silver thread, the way one particular strand always falls across his forehead no matter how many times he pushes it back with that same precise, annoyed gesture. Â
(youâre pathetic. you know youâre pathetic. youâve literally counted the number of times he does that little hair-push thing per lectureâitâs seventeen on average, and youâre horrified by the fact that you know this. even more horrified by the fact that youâve started timing the intervals between each gesture. twelve minutes and thirty-seven seconds, give or take.)Â Â
professor yagaâs voice drones on about derivatives, but youâre lost in the way satoruâs shoulders hunch slightly as he scribbles notes, the careful precision of his long fingers around his penâfingers that are almost delicate, pale and elegant like they belong to a pianist rather than a college student. the way he occasionally pushes his reading glasses up the bridge of his nose with his knuckleânever his fingertip, always his knuckle, like heâs afraid of smudging the lenses or maybe like heâs performed this exact motion so many times itâs become muscle memory. Â
thereâs something almost ritualistic about it, this careful maintenance of his perfect image. youâve noticed he does a quick check of his appearance every time he enters a roomâsubtle, barely perceptible, but youâve been watching him long enough to catch the way his eyes briefly scan his reflection in any available surface, the way his fingers make minute adjustments to his hair or the position of his glasses. Â
you wonder if he knows how pretty his hands are. you wonder if he knows youâve been staring at them for the better part of two months, memorizing the way his thumb taps against his pen when heâs thinking, the way he flexes his fingers when heâs about to write something heâs particularly proud of. you wonder if he knows that youâve started taking notes about his note-taking habits instead of actually taking notes, which is definitely going to bite you in the ass come exam time. Â
(seriously, your notebook is less âadvanced calculusâ and more âcomprehensive guide to satoru gojoâs micro-expressions and fidgeting patterns.â youâre a fucking disaster.)Â Â
youâre so busy staring at the way his neck curves when he tilts his headâand god, what a neck, all pale skin and sharp angles, the kind of neck that makes you want to trace your fingers along the line of itâthat you donât notice the classroom has gone quiet until professor yagaâs voice cuts through your reverie like a blade. Â
âmiss,â yaga says, and you can hear the barely contained irritation in his voice, the way he draws out the word like itâs personally offensive to him, âperhaps youâd like to solve this equation for us?â Â
your stomach drops to somewhere around your ankles. the whiteboard might as well be covered in ancient sumerian for all the sense it makes to you. you enrolled in this class for exactly one reason, and that reason is currently turning in his seat to look at you with those eyesâgod, those eyes that arenât just blue but something deeper, stranger, like the color of deep ocean water when afternoon light hits it just right, or maybe like the heart of a glacier, all crystalline and impossible. Â
his head tilts slightly as he looks at you, and you catch the way his lips part just a fraction, the way his eyebrows draw together in what might be concern. thereâs something almost protective in his expression, the way he leans forward slightly in his seat like heâs preparing to spring into action. Â
thereâs a collective shift in the room, students turning to look at you with expressions ranging from mild curiosity to outright schadenfreude. jennifer, two seats over, is definitely smirking, her perfectly glossed lips curved in a way that makes you want to throw your textbook at her head. you can feel your face burning, can practically hear your heartbeat in your ears, and youâre acutely aware that everyoneâincluding satoruâis watching you flounder like a fish out of water. Â
you catch the way your hands start to shake slightly, the way your breath catches in your throat, and you know your face is doing that thing where it goes blotchy and red in the worst possible way. your mouth opens and closes once, twice, no sound coming out, and youâre pretty sure you look like youâre having some kind of breakdown. Â
(this is fine. this is totally fine. youâre just about to publicly humiliate yourself in front of the boy youâve been mooning over for eight weeks. no big deal. just your entire academic reputation and any chance of ever talking to satoru again going up in flames. totally manageable.)Â Â
youâre about to open your mouth and make a complete fool of yourself when satoruâs hand shoots up with the kind of lazy confidence that makes half the class want to throw things at him. but you catch the way his fingers tremble slightly, so briefly you almost miss it, the way he presses his lips together for just a moment before speaking. Â
âactually, professor yaga,â he says, and his voice carries that particular blend of polite condescension and casual arrogance that makes your chest flutter even as you watch three people in the front row visibly bristle, âi think thereâs an error in the problem setup.â Â
the temperature in the room seems to drop several degrees. you can practically feel the collective eye-roll rippling through the lecture hall like a wave. behind you, someone mutters âhere we go againâ under their breath, and you have to resist the urge to turn around and defend him. but youâre too busy watching the way satoruâs jaw tightens slightly, the way his free hand curls into a loose fist on his desk before he forces it to relax. Â
yagaâs eyes narrow dangerously, his entire posture shifting into something that suggests heâs about to commit murder. âexcuse me?â Â
âthe coefficient in the third term,â satoru continues, completely unbothered by the teacherâs glare or the way half the class is now shooting him looks that could kill. his fingers drum once against his desk before he catches himself and forces them to stillâa tiny crack in his perfect composure that somehow makes you want to protect him, want to build a wall between him and everyone else in this room. âit should be negative, not positive, based on the previous step. common mistake, really.â Â
and there it isâthat little smile, barely there but unmistakable, tugging at the corner of his mouth like heâs just performed a particularly clever magic trick. his chin lifts slightly, and you catch the way his eyes briefly flick toward you, checking to see if youâre watching, if youâre safe. Â
(common mistake. god, heâs such a little shit, and youâre completely gone for him. absolutely, irrevocably, pathetically gone.)Â Â
the silence that follows is deafening. you can see yagaâs jaw working, can practically feel the collective urge to murder emanating from your classmates like heat waves. satoru just sits there, chin tilted up slightly, that insufferable little smile playing at the corner of his mouth, but you notice the way his fingers tap an anxious rhythm against his thigh, the way his shoulders are held just a little too rigidly. Â
thereâs something almost performative about it, the way he wields his intelligence like a shield, deflecting attention from the fact that heâs just saved you from public humiliation. again. youâre starting to recognize the patternâthe way he times his interruptions, the way he makes his corrections sound like casual observations rather than calculated rescues. Â
but more than that, youâre starting to recognize the cost of it. the way other students look at him like heâs some kind of academic boogeyman, the way professors tolerate him with barely concealed irritation, the way he sits alone in every class despite being the smartest person in the room. Â
âyouâre right,â yaga says finally, and the admission sounds like it physically pains him, like each word is being dragged from his throat with pliers. he turns back to the board with more force than necessary, chalk scraping against the surface with a sound that makes half the class wince. âthank you for the... correction.â Â
as the professor erases and rewrites the equation, you catch the subtle way satoruâs shoulders relax, the way his fingers uncurl from where theyâd been gripping his pen. his head drops slightly, and you see him take a deep breath, his chest rising and falling in a way that suggests heâs been holding his breath this entire time. Â
heâs nervous, you realize. heâs just as affected by these moments as you are, just better at hiding it behind layers of calculated arrogance and that insufferable smile. Â
thatâs the fifteenth time this semesterâyouâve been counting, because apparently your brain has decided to catalog every single instance of satoru saving you from academic humiliation. fifteen times in eight weeks, and each time you fall a little bit deeper into this ridiculous, hopeless crush. each time youâre more convinced that youâre the only person in this entire lecture hall who doesnât find him completely insufferable. Â
(youâre also probably the only person whoâs noticed the way his ears go pink when heâs called out, or the way he clicks his pen three times before he raises his hand, or the way he always makes sure his âcorrectionsâ benefit you specifically. youâre definitely the only person whoâs noticed the way he glances over at you after each rescue, checking to make sure youâre okay, that little furrow between his brows that suggests heâs genuinely worried about you.)Â Â
because thatâs the thing about satoruâheâs brilliant, and he knows it, and heâs absolutely shameless about wielding that intelligence like a weapon. heâs the type of person who corrects professors mid-lecture with a smile that suggests heâs doing them a favor, who finishes exams in half the allotted time and then sits there looking bored while everyone else scrambles, occasionally glancing around the room with barely concealed amusement. Â
but youâve started to notice the moments when the mask slips. the way he sometimes looks out the window with an expression thatâs almost wistful, like heâs thinking about being anywhere else. the way he doodles in the margins of his notesânot equations or formulas, but little sketches, delicate and precise, usually of things he can see from his seat. a leaf, the corner of a building, once, memorably, a tiny sketch of the back of someoneâs head that looked suspiciously like your silhouette. Â
heâs condescending without meaning to be, arrogant without trying, and youâre pretty sure heâs never encountered a problem he couldnât solve or a question he couldnât answer. youâve watched him turn in homework assignments written in what you can only describe as mathematical poetry, each solution more elegant than the last, and youâve seen the way professor yagaâs mouth tightens every time satoru raises his hand. Â
it should be annoying. it should make you want to throw things at him like everyone else does. jennifer actually did throw a pencil at him onceâit bounced off his shoulder and he just turned around and smiled at her like sheâd given him a compliment, but you caught the way his smile faltered for just a moment, the way his fingers twitched like he wanted to rub the spot where it hit. Â
instead, it makes you want to lean over and whisper âthank youâ directly into his ear, makes you want to trace the line of his jaw with your fingertips, makes you want to mess up his perfectly styled hair just to see what heâd do. probably fix it with that same precise, methodical care he applies to everything else, but maybeâjust maybeâheâd let you be the one to mess it up again. Â
youâre so far gone itâs not even funny anymore. itâs concerning. itâs the kind of pathetic that would make your friends stage an intervention if they knew. the kind of pathetic that has you checking your reflection in every surface before class, wondering if today might be the day he actually notices you beyond your academic incompetence. Â
the lecture continues, yagaâs voice taking on that particular sharp edge that suggests satoru has ruined his entire day, and you watch the way your classmates shoot covert glances at the boy three rows ahead. thereâs resentment in those looks, the kind of frustrated irritation that comes from being consistently outshone by someone who doesnât even seem to be trying. Â
but youâre not watching them. youâre watching satoru, cataloging the way he takes notes with the same meticulous care he applies to everything else, his handwriting neat and precise even when heâs obviously bored. youâre watching the way he occasionally glances toward the window, his expression going soft and distant, like heâs thinking about something far more interesting than derivatives. Â
youâre watching the way he doesnât look back at you, but you catch the subtle way his ears are still pink, the way his fingers tap an anxious rhythm against his thigh before he forces his hand to still. you notice the way he shifts in his seat, adjusting his position so that heâs angled slightly toward you, like heâs subconsciously trying to keep you in his peripheral vision. Â
you wonder if he knows what heâs doing, if heâs keeping track too, if he notices the way you always seem to be in trouble right when heâs ready with an answer. you wonder if heâs cataloging your expressions the way youâve been cataloging his, if heâs noticed the way you bite your lip when youâre concentrating, the way you tuck your hair behind your ear when youâre nervous. Â
(he is. heâs been counting too, actually, though his count is higher because he includes all the times heâs wanted to interrupt but didnât, all the times heâs watched you panic in that particular way that makes your eyes go wide and your bottom lip disappear between your teeth. heâs been cataloging your expressions the same way youâve been cataloging his, though heâs infinitely better at being subtle about it. he knows you bite your lip when youâre concentrating, knows you tuck your hair behind your ear when youâre nervous, knows you have this little crease between your eyebrows when youâre trying to work through a problem. heâs memorized the way you look when youâre happy, when youâre confused, when youâre frustrated. heâs got it all filed away in his brain like the most important data heâs ever collected.)Â Â
youâre wondering what it would be like to know him outside of this careful academic performance when the lecture ends, students immediately scrambling for the exits with the kind of urgency that suggests theyâre fleeing rather than simply leaving. you can hear fragments of conversation as people file outââsuch a show-off,â âcanât believe yaga puts up with that,â âprobably thinks heâs smarter than everyoneââand you want to defend him, want to point out that he is smarter than everyone, but youâre too busy shoving your barely-touched notebook into your bag, trying to look like you werenât just spending ninety minutes staring at the back of someoneâs head. Â
your hands are shaking slightly as you pack up your things, a combination of leftover adrenaline from your near-humiliation and the growing realization that youâre about to be alone with him, maybe for the first time since this whole ridiculous crush started. you fumble with your bagâs zipper, curse under your breath when it catches, and generally look like the disaster you are. Â
when he appears beside your desk, youâre struck by how different he looks up close. all sharp angles and pale skin, the kind of boy who looks like heâd snap in half if you hugged him too tight. which is perfect, actually, because you have no interest in the alternative. Â
but more than that, youâre struck by how he seems to take up more space than his slight frame should allow. thereâs something about his presence thatâs magnetic, commanding, the way he stands with his weight shifted slightly forward, his hands loosely clasped behind his back. heâs close enough that you can smell his cologneâsomething clean and understated that makes you want to lean closer, something that makes you think of morning frost and expensive soap. Â
thereâs something almost fragile about him when heâs not performing for the class, something that makes you want to handle him carefully. his glasses have slipped down his nose slightly, and when he pushes them up with that familiar gesture, you catch the way his eyelashes flutter against the lenses, impossibly long and pale. Â
ârough lecture?â he asks, and thereâs something almost apologetic in the way he says it, like heâs aware that his interventions might be drawing unwanted attention to you. his head tilts slightly, and you notice the way his hair falls across his forehead, the way he doesnât bother to push it back this time. thereâs a small smile playing at the corner of his mouth, but his eyes are serious, concerned. Â
you catch the way your breath hitches slightly, the way your fingers tighten around your bag strap. âdepends on your definition of rough,â you reply, slinging your bag over your shoulder, hyperaware of how close he is, how the simple act of standing puts you almost at eye level with him. âif by rough you mean completely incomprehensible, then yeah, absolutely brutal.â Â
he laughs, and itâs nothing like the polite chuckle he gives in class. this is genuine, warm, the kind of laugh that makes his eyes crinkle slightly at the corners. âitâs not that bad once you get the hang of it,â he says, falling into step beside you as you head toward the door. you notice the way he shortens his stride to match your pace, the way he holds the door open for you with casual politeness, his fingers briefly brushing yours as you pass through. âcalculus is just like... a language. once you learn the grammar, everything else falls into place.â Â
the brief contact sends a jolt up your arm, and you hope he doesnât notice the way you shiver slightly, the way your cheeks flush. you step through the door, and he follows, close enough that you can feel the warmth radiating from his body. the hallway is busy with students rushing to their next classes, and you have to resist the urge to grab his arm to keep from losing him in the crowd. Â
âeasy for you to say, mr. perfect score on every exam,â you say, and you canât help but smile at the way he preens slightly at the compliment, his chin lifting just a fraction in that familiar gesture of pride. his eyes light up in a way that makes your chest feel too small for your heart. Â
âperfect score is an exaggeration,â he says, but heâs clearly pleased, a faint flush coloring his cheeks, spreading down his neck in a way that makes you want to trace the path of it with your fingertips. his fingers fidget with the strap of his bag, and you wonder if heâs as nervous as you are, if he feels the same electric tension that seems to crackle between you whenever youâre this close. Â
âninety-eight percent is still perfect in my book.â Â
âthat two percent haunts me,â he says, pressing a hand to his chest with such dramatic flair that you canât help but laugh. his eyes are dancing with mischief, and you catch the way he leans slightly closer as he speaks, like heâs sharing a secret. âkeeps me awake at night, wondering where i went wrong.â Â
this is how it always goes with satoruâeasy banter that makes you forget why you were ever nervous around him in the first place. he has this way of matching your energy, of making conversation feel like a game where youâre both trying to make the other laugh first. itâs addictive, the way he responds to your sarcasm with his own, the way he seems genuinely delighted when you give as good as you get. Â
but underneath the easy conversation, youâre hyperaware of every detailâthe way he gestures when he talks, his hands moving in precise, elegant motions like heâs conducting an invisible orchestra. the way his eyes light up when heâs about to make a joke, the way they seem to focus entirely on you like youâre the only person in this crowded hallway. the way he keeps glancing at you like heâs trying to memorize your expressions, the way his smile goes soft and genuine when he thinks youâre not looking. Â
you notice the way other students move around you both, giving satoru a wide berth, but he doesnât seem to notice. heâs too focused on you, on the conversation, on the way you laugh at his ridiculous dramatics. Â
âhey,â he says suddenly, and his voice drops slightly, becomes more hesitant. his fingers find the strap of his bag, fidgeting with the buckle in a way that suggests heâs more nervous than heâs letting on. âi was wondering... would you maybe want to study together sometime? i mean, if you want. no pressure or anything, but i think i could help you with some of the concepts that are giving you trouble.â Â
you stop walking so abruptly that the student behind you nearly crashes into your back, muttering something unflattering about people who donât know how to walk in hallways. satoru takes two more steps before he realizes youâre not beside him anymore, then turns back with a slightly confused expression, his eyebrows raised in question. behind his glasses, his eyes are doing that thing againâthat impossible color that makes your brain short-circuit and your thoughts scatter like startled birds. Â
âyou want to study with me?â you ask, and you hate how breathless you sound, hate the way your voice goes up at the end like you canât quite believe it. students flow around you both like water around stones, and youâre vaguely aware of someone muttering âmove it alongâ as they squeeze past, but you canât bring yourself to care. Â
âwell, yeah,â he says, and now his ears are definitely pink, a flush creeping down his neck and disappearing beneath the collar of his sweater. he pushes his glasses up his nose in that familiar gesture, and you realize itâs become a tellâsomething he does when heâs nervous or uncertain. âi mean, youâre smart, obviously. you just need someone to explain things in a way that makes sense. and i...â he trails off, his gaze dropping to the floor for just a moment before meeting your eyes again. âi like talking to you. about math stuff. and non-math stuff too.â Â
thereâs something almost vulnerable in the way he says it, the way his fingers twist in the strap of his bag, the way he rocks slightly on his heels like heâs fighting the urge to flee. you catch the way his adamâs apple bobs as he swallows, the way he bites his lower lip briefly before releasing it. Â
your heart is doing something acrobatic and probably medically concerning in your chest. youâre pretty sure youâre staring at him like heâs just offered you the moon, and maybe thatâs not far from the truth. this beautiful, brilliant boy who corrects professors and makes calculus sound like poetry wants to spend time with you outside of class. Â
âokay,â you say, and you know youâre smiling like an idiot, can feel the way your cheeks are starting to hurt from the sheer width of your grin. you probably look deranged, but you canât bring yourself to care. âyeah, iâd like that. iâd like that a lot.â Â
âreally?â the relief in his voice is so obvious itâs almost endearing, and you catch the way his shoulders relax, the way his grip on his bag strap loosens. his smile transforms his entire face, making him look younger, softer, less like the intimidating academic weapon everyone thinks he is. âcool. great. how about friday? thereâs this coffee shop off campus thatâs pretty quiet, good for studying.â Â
âitâs a date,â you say, and then immediately want to melt into the floor because who says that, who actually says âitâs a dateâ in response to a study session invitation, what is wrong with youâ Â
but satoruâs smile goes soft and genuine, transforming his entire face, and he says, âyeah, it is,â and suddenly your mortification transforms into something warm and fluttery that makes your chest feel too small for your heart. Â
thereâs something different about the way he looks at you then, something that makes the busy hallway fade into background noise. his eyes seem to trace your features like heâs memorizing them, and you catch the way his lips part slightly, the way his breathing seems to quicken. Â
youâre standing in the middle of the hallway, students flowing around you like water around stones, and for a moment it feels like youâre the only two people in the world. you can see the exact moment when he realizes how close you are, the way his eyes widen slightly, the way his gaze drops briefly to your lips before snapping back up to your eyes. Â
then the moment breaks as someone jostles past you, muttering about people blocking the hallway, and youâre both laughing, a little breathless and a lot overwhelmed. the spell is broken, but something has shifted between you, something that makes the air feel charged with possibility. Â
âi should probably get to my next class,â you say, even though you want to stay here forever, want to memorize every detail of this moment, want to bottle up the way heâs looking at you and save it for later. Â
âyeah, me too,â he says, but he doesnât move away, doesnât break eye contact. his hand twitches at his side like he wants to reach for you, and you wonder what would happen if you just took that step closer, if you eliminated the careful distance heâs maintaining. Â
you can see the internal struggle playing out on his face, the way his jaw tightens slightly, the way his fingers flex at his sides. thereâs something he wants to say, something he wants to do, but heâs holding himself back. Â
âfriday,â you say, and it comes out softer than you intended, almost like a promise. Â
âfriday,â he agrees, and then heâs walking away, but not before you catch the way he glances back over his shoulder, the way his hand lifts in a small wave thatâs almost shy. Â
you watch him go, noting the way other students move out of his way, the way conversations seem to pause as he passes. heâs magnetic in a way that draws attention even when heâs not trying to, and you realize with a start that everyone else sees it tooâthey just respond to it differently than you do. Â
where you see brilliance, they see arrogance. where you see careful precision, they see showing off. where you see someone whoâs maybe just a little bit lonely behind all that intelligence, they see someone who thinks heâs better than everyone else. Â
maybe he does think heâs better than everyone else. maybe thatâs part of what makes him so fascinating. Â
youâre still standing there, watching his retreating figure, when you realize youâre going to be late for your next class. but you canât bring yourself to care, too busy replaying every moment of the conversation, already counting down the hours until friday. Â
this is dangerous territory, you think as you finally start walking toward your next class, your feet practically floating above the ground. this is the kind of crush that could completely derail your academic career, the kind of infatuation that makes you do stupid things like enroll in advanced calculus just to stare at someoneâs neck. Â
but as you think about the way satoru looked at you, the way his voice went soft when he asked you to study with him, the way he said âyeah, it isâ like he meant it, you decide that maybe dangerous territory isnât such a bad place to be. Â
especially when it comes with the promise of friday afternoon coffee and the chance to finally figure out what makes satoru gojo tick. Â
even if he is still, fundamentally, a complete and utter show-off who somehow makes that quality devastatingly attractive. Â
youâre so screwed. Â
friday arrives like a slow-motion disaster, the kind where you can see the crash coming from miles away but youâre powerless to stop it. youâve changed your outfit three timesâfirst too casual, then too formal, then back to casual because this is just studying, right? just two people and some textbooks and definitely not a date despite what you said in that moment of temporary insanity.
(except he said âyeah, it isâ with that soft smile and those impossible eyes, and youâve been replaying that moment on loop for three days straight like some kind of masochistic highlight reel.)
the coffee shop is exactly the kind of place youâd expect satoru to chooseâminimalist dĂ©cor, overpriced drinks, the sort of aggressively hip establishment where the baristas have philosophy degrees and the wifi password is something pretentious like ânietzsche123.â you spot him immediately, sitting in a corner booth with textbooks spread across the table like heâs preparing for academic warfare.
heâs early. of course heâs early. probably calculated the exact time needed to arrange his hair in that perfectly imperfect way, probably positioned himself at the precise angle where the afternoon light would catch the silver threads woven through the pearl-white strands like heâs his own personal photographer.
when he sees you, his face transformsâeyebrows lifting slightly, the corner of his mouth twitching up in what starts as surprise before blooming into something genuine and warm. he stands up with fluid grace, all long limbs and careful coordination, and waves you over with a gesture thatâs somehow both casual and theatrical, fingers splaying wide before curling into a beckoning motion.
âyou made it,â he says when you reach the table, and thereâs something almost breathless in his voice, like heâs been holding his breath without realizing it. his fingers drum once against the table edge before he catches himself, shoving his hands into his pockets with a self-conscious laugh.
âdid you think i wouldnât?â you ask, sliding into the seat across from him, your knee bumping against his under the table. he doesnât move awayâif anything, he seems to lean into the contact, and you can see the way his pupils dilate slightly behind his glasses.
âhonestly? kind of.â he pushes his glasses up his nose with his knuckle, and youâre starting to recognize it as his tell for when heâs being more honest than his usual performance allows. his gaze drops to the table for just a moment before meeting yours again, and thereâs something vulnerable in the way his eyelashes flutter against his cheekbones. âi have this effect on people where they find me charming for about thirty seconds and then remember iâm insufferable.â
youâre watching the way his mouth moves when he talks, the way he emphasizes certain words with tiny gesturesâa tilt of his head, a slight lean forward, the way his tongue darts out to wet his lower lip when heâs thinking. itâs hypnotic, the careful choreography of his expressions, and youâre rapidly losing the ability to form coherent thoughts.
âthirty seconds? wow, thatâs generous.â youâre unpacking your bag with deliberate slowness, trying to give your hands something to do so you donât reach across the table and touch the strand of hair thatâs falling across his forehead. âmost people clock you as insufferable immediately.â
âouch,â he says, but heâs grinning now, the kind of sharp-edged smile that crinkles the corners of his eyes and makes them shine like winter light on water. his head tilts to the side, and you can see the way his hair shifts with the movement, revealing the elegant line of his neck. âand here i thought you were different.â
âi am different,â you say, finally looking up at him fully, and something in your tone makes his expression shift. his smile softens, becomes less performative, and he leans forward slightly, resting his chin on his hand in a way that makes his eyes seem impossibly large behind his glasses. âi think youâre insufferable and charming.â
the silence that follows is loaded with the kind of tension that makes your skin feel too tight. satoruâs fingers drum once against the tableâindex, middle, ring, pinkie in perfect successionâbefore he catches himself and forces his hand to still. you can see the way his throat works when he swallows, the subtle flex of muscle beneath pale skin.
âwell,â he says finally, and his voice has dropped to something softer, more intimate, the words shaped carefully around a smile thatâs trying to be casual but comes out fond instead. âi can work with that.â
heâs already ordered you a coffeeâsomehow knew exactly how you like it, which should be creepy but instead makes your chest feel warm and fluttery like youâve swallowed a handful of butterflies. when you raise an eyebrow at him, he shrugs with practiced nonchalance, but you can see the way his ears go pink at the tips.
âyou get the same thing every morning from the campus cafĂ©,â he says, pulling out his calculus notebook with movements that are just a little too precise to be natural. his fingers trace the edge of the cover before flipping it open, and you notice the way his handwriting is perfectly neat even in the margins. âvanilla latte, extra shot, no foam. you also tap your card exactly three times before you put it away, and you always check your phone right after ordering.â
you stare at him, and he meets your gaze with something thatâs trying to be confident but comes across as almost shy. his tongue darts out to wet his lower lip, and you can see the way his breathing has gone slightly shallow.
âthatâs either very observant or very stalky.â
âi prefer observant,â he says, and thereâs something almost vulnerable in the way he says it, like heâs admitting to more than just casual people-watching. his fingers fidget with his pen, clicking it once, twice, three times before he realizes what heâs doing and forces his hand to still. âi notice things. especially when theyâre interesting.â
youâre hyperaware of every micro-expressionâthe way his eyebrows lift slightly when heâs waiting for your response, the way his lips part just a fraction when heâs thinking, the way his eyes track your movements like heâs cataloging every detail for later review.
âare you calling me interesting?â you ask, taking a sip of your coffee to hide the way your hands are trembling slightly. the movement draws his attention to your mouth, and you can see the way his gaze lingers there before snapping back to your eyes.
âiâm calling you distracting,â he says, and the way he looks at you makes your stomach flip. his voice drops to something almost husky, and you can see the way his fingers tighten around his pen. âdo you know how hard it is to focus on derivatives when youâre sitting three rows behind someone who makes the most adorable face when theyâre confused?â
you nearly choke on your coffee, and satoruâs immediate reaction is to half-stand, his hand reaching across the table like heâs going to pat your back before he catches himself and settles back down. but his eyes are wide with concern, and you can see the way his whole body has tensed with the impulse to help.
âadorable face?â you manage once youâve stopped coughing.
âmmm,â he hums, and now his smile is pure mischief. he leans forward, resting his elbows on the table, and you can see the way his sweater pulls slightly across his shoulders. âyou get these little lines right hereââ he reaches across the table and almost touches the space between your eyebrows before catching himself, his hand hovering in the air for just a moment too long. you can see the way his fingers curl slightly, like heâs fighting the urge to make contact. âand you do this thing where you bite your bottom lip when youâre thinking really hard.â
your face is burning. absolutely burning. you can feel the heat creeping up your neck, and you know he can see it because his eyes are tracking the flush with obvious fascination.
âyouâre making that up.â
âam i?â he tilts his head, and his hair falls across his forehead in a way that makes your brain short-circuit. his smile is absolutely wicked, and you can see the way his canine teeth are just slightly sharper than the rest. âyouâre doing it right now.â
you immediately stop biting your lip, which only makes him grin wider. his whole face lights up with delight, eyes crinkling at the corners, and he does this little victorious bob of his head thatâs so smug you want to throw something at him.
âsee? adorable.â
âshut up,â you mutter, but thereâs no real heat in it. you flip open your own textbook with more force than necessary, and you can feel him watching the movement with obvious amusement. âweâre here to study, remember?â
âright,â he says, but his tone suggests heâs not particularly invested in the idea. you can see him in your peripheral vision, the way heâs propping his chin on his hand, the way his eyes are still tracking your every movement instead of looking at his textbook. âstudying. with calculus. very serious business.â
(this is hopeless. youâre supposed to be learning about derivatives and instead youâre cataloging the way his eyelashes cast shadows on his cheekbones. youâre supposed to be focusing on equations and instead youâre wondering what it would feel like to run your fingers through his hair. youâre so far gone itâs not even funny anymore.)
for the first hour, he actually does help you study. heâs a good teacher, youâll give him thatâpatient in a way that surprises you, breaking down complex concepts into manageable pieces without making you feel stupid. but heâs also incredibly distracting in ways that feel almost intentional.
he keeps scooting closer under the pretense of getting a better look at your notebook, his movements casual but deliberate. first itâs just his knee pressing against yours under the table, then his shoulder brushing against yours when he leans over to point at something in your textbook. you can smell his cologneâsomething clean and understated with hints of cedar and something else thatâs purely him.
âyouâre overthinking it,â he says, leaning closer to look at your work. his breath ghosts across your cheek, and you can see the way his eyes dart to your lips before focusing back on the page. âsee, right here? youâre making it more complicated than it needs to be.â
his hand covers yours on the pen, and you can feel the warmth of his skin, the way his fingers are slightly longer than yours, the careful way he guides your movements. his touch is gentle but sure, and you find yourself focusing more on the pattern of his breathing than on whatever mathematical concept heâs trying to teach you.
âare you paying attention?â he asks, and thereâs something almost smug in his voice, like he knows exactly what effect heâs having on you. when you look up, heâs closer than you expected, close enough that you can see the flecks of silver in his storm-cloud eyes, can count the individual eyelashes behind his glasses.
âyes,â you lie, trying to focus on the equation in front of you instead of the way his thumb is tracing absent patterns on your knuckles.
âliar,â he says, and his voice is low enough that you feel it more than hear it. his smile is absolutely wicked, and you can see the way his pupils have dilated slightly. âyouâre not thinking about calculus at all, are you?â
you pull your hand away, probably too quickly, and immediately miss the contact. satoruâs expression flickersâjust for a momentâwith something that looks like disappointment before he covers it with that trademark smirk.
âiâm thinking about how insufferable you are.â
âmmm,â he hums, leaning back in his seat with a satisfied expression. his head tilts slightly, and you can see the way his hair catches the light, the way his eyes are still tracking your movements. âand how charming?â
âjuryâs still out on that one.â
âiâll take it,â he says, and then heâs back to explaining derivatives like he wasnât just completely derailing your ability to form coherent thoughts. but you can see the way his ears are still pink, the way his fingers tap an anxious rhythm against his thigh before he forces them to still.
(heâs nervous too. the realization hits you like a freight trainâsatoru gojo, who corrects professors and makes calculus sound like poetry, who wields his intelligence like a weapon and his smile like a shield, is nervous around you. itâs a heady thought, knowing that you affect him even a fraction of how much he affects you.)
this is how the afternoon goesâmoments of genuine studying interrupted by satoru being absolutely shameless about testing your boundaries. he finds excuses to touch you, to lean close, to make comments that toe the line between helpful and flirtatious.
when you get frustrated with a particularly difficult problem, he reaches over and brushes a strand of hair behind your ear, his fingers lingering against your cheek for just a moment too long. you can see the way his eyes soften, the way his touch is gentle despite the calluses on his fingertips.
âthere,â he says softly, and his voice has gone impossibly fond. ânow i can see your face when youâre thinking.â
when you finally solve a problem correctly, he grins like youâve just discovered the cure for cancer, his whole face lighting up with genuine delight. he does this little pleased wiggle in his seat thatâs so endearing you want to kiss him senseless.
âknew you had it in you, smarty pants.â
when you make a joke about his handwriting being too neat, he leans over and deliberately writes something messy in your notebook, his tongue poking out slightly in concentration. the movement draws your attention to his mouth, and you can see the way his lips curve around the task, the way his eyebrows furrow slightly when heâs focusing.
âthere,â he says, sitting back with a pleased expression, his eyes bright with mischief. ânow we match.â
(youâre in trouble. deep, catastrophic trouble. every small gesture, every casual touch, every moment of shared laughter is another nail in the coffin of your carefully constructed emotional defenses. youâre falling for him in real-time, and he seems to know it, seems to be cataloging every blush, every stutter, every moment you lose track of what youâre supposed to be doing because youâre too busy staring at him.)
itâs infuriating how easily he gets under your skin, how he seems to know exactly which buttons to push to make you flustered. but itâs also kind of thrilling, the way he focuses all that sharp intelligence on figuring out how to make you smile, how to make you laugh, how to make you forget that youâre supposed to be studying.
by the time the sun starts to set, painting the coffee shop in shades of amber and gold, youâve made decent progress on your calculus homework. but youâve also developed what feels like a permanent blush and a serious case of satoru-induced brain fog. the other patrons have thinned outâthe philosophy-major barista is cleaning the espresso machine with the kind of methodical precision that suggests closing time is approaching.
âwe should probably head back,â you say, glancing at your phone and trying to ignore the way satoruâs face falls slightly at the suggestion. âitâs getting late.â
âprobably,â he agrees, but he doesnât move to pack up his things. instead, he leans back in his seat and studies you with those storm-glass eyes, his head tilted slightly to the side. you can see the way his hair falls across his forehead, the way his glasses have slipped down his nose just a fraction. âcan i ask you something?â
âshoot.â
âwhyâd you take advanced calculus?â he asks, and thereâs something genuinely curious in his voice, like heâs been wondering about this for a while. his fingers drum against the tableâthat same precise rhythm youâve started to recognize as his thinking pattern. âi mean, itâs not required for your major, right?â
you freeze, your hands stilling in the process of shoving your textbook into your bag. because how do you explain that you enrolled in a class you have no business taking just to stare at someoneâs neck? how do you admit that youâve been making academic decisions based on a crush thatâs gotten completely out of hand?
âi...â you start, then trail off, scrambling for a plausible lie. your eyes dart around the coffee shop, landing on anything but satoruâs face. âi thought it would be... useful?â
âuseful,â he repeats, and his tone suggests heâs not buying it for a second. when you finally meet his gaze, you can see the way his eyebrows have lifted slightly, the way his mouth is fighting a smile. âfor what?â
âfor... life?â you try, and even you can hear how unconvincing that sounds. your voice goes up at the end, turning the statement into a question, and you can see the exact moment satoru realizes youâre lying.
his grin spreads slowly across his face, like sunrise breaking over a horizon, and you can see the way his eyes light up with delighted understanding. itâs the expression of someone whoâs just solved a particularly satisfying puzzle, and youâre the puzzle.
âyou took advanced calculus because of me, didnât you?â
âthatâs ridiculous,â you say, but your voice comes out about an octave higher than normal, which somewhat undermines your credibility. you can feel heat creeping up your neck, and you know he can see it because his eyes are tracking the flush with obvious fascination.
âoh my god,â he says, and his delight is so obvious itâs almost offensive. he leans forward, resting his elbows on the table, and you can see the way his sweater pulls slightly across his shoulders. âyou actually took a class you hate just to stare at me. thatâs either really romantic or really creepy.â
âitâs notâi didnâtââ youâre sputtering now, face burning with embarrassment, your hands fluttering uselessly in the air like youâre trying to grab the words back. âyouâre so full of yourself.â
âam i wrong though?â he leans forward even more, resting his chin on his hand, and his smile is absolutely wicked. you can see the way his canine teeth are just slightly sharper than the rest, the way his eyes are practically glowing with mischief. âcome on, admit it. you think iâm pretty.â
âi think youâre insufferable.â
âand pretty.â his voice drops to something almost sing-song, teasing, and you can see the way his tongue darts out to wet his lower lip.
âand arrogant.â
âand devastatingly attractive.â heâs practically purring now, clearly enjoying your flustered state. his fingers drum against the table in that familiar pattern, and you can see the way his whole body is angled toward you, like youâre the center of his universe.
âand completely full of yourself.â
âbut pretty though, right?â his voice has gone soft, almost vulnerable, and when you look at him you can see something genuine beneath the teasing. his smile is gentler now, less performative, and thereâs something almost hopeful in the way heâs looking at you. âitâs okay, you can say it. i already know.â
you want to deny it, want to maintain some shred of dignity, but the way heâs looking at you makes your brain turn to mush. his eyes are soft and warm and impossibly blue-grey, like storm clouds with sunlight behind them, and you can see the way his breathing has gone slightly shallow.
âyouâre... aesthetically pleasing,â you admit finally, the words coming out barely above a whisper.
âaesthetically pleasing,â he repeats, like heâs savoring the words, rolling them around in his mouth like expensive wine. his smile widens, and you can see the way his eyes crinkle at the corners. âwow, try not to swoon too hard.â
âshut up,â you mutter, but youâre smiling despite yourself, and you can see the way his whole face lights up when he sees it.
âmake me,â he says, and thereâs something challenging in his voice that makes your heart race. his eyes dart to your lips, just for a moment, before meeting your gaze again, and you can see the way his pupils have dilated slightly.
the tension between you is thick enough to cut with a knife, and youâre suddenly very aware of how close he is, how his eyes keep dropping to your mouth, how easy it would be to just lean forward and close the distance between you. the coffee shop has gone quiet around youâjust the soft hum of the espresso machine and the distant murmur of the baristaâs radio.
âwe should really go,â you say, your voice barely above a whisper, but you donât move away. if anything, you lean slightly closer, drawn by some invisible force that seems to exist in the space between you.
âyeah,â he agrees, but he doesnât move either. his eyes are searching your face, and you can see the way his breathing has gone uneven. âwe should.â
finally, finally, he pulls back with visible effort, his hands shaking slightly as he starts gathering his things. you do the same, your movements clumsy and uncoordinated, hyperaware of every brush of his fingers against yours as you both reach for the same pen.
the walk back to campus is quiet, but itâs the kind of charged silence that makes your skin feel electric. satoru walks close enough that your shoulders brush with every step, and you can feel the warmth radiating from his body. every few steps, he glances at you sideways, and you can see the way his mouth keeps twitching like heâs fighting a smile.
âthanks for today,â you say when you reach the point where you usually part ways, your voice soft in the gathering dusk. âfor helping me study, i mean.â
âanytime,â he says, and his voice is softer now, more sincere. his hands are shoved deep in his pockets, and you can see the way his shoulders are slightly hunched, like heâs trying to make himself smaller. âi had fun.â
âeven though iâm a terrible student?â
âespecially because youâre a terrible student,â he says, and his grin is bright enough to light up the growing darkness. âgives me an excuse to spend more time with you.â
your heart does that acrobatic thing again, and youâre pretty sure youâre staring at him like he hung the stars. the streetlights are starting to flicker on, casting everything in a warm golden glow, and you can see the way the light catches in his hair, turns his eyes into something almost ethereal.
âsame time next week?â
âabsolutely,â he says, and then heâs walking away, his pace slightly hurried like heâs trying to escape before he does something impulsive. you watch him go, noting the way his hair moves in the evening breeze, the way other students still move out of his way even though heâs not trying to command attention.
(youâre so gone. completely, utterly, catastrophically gone for this insufferable, brilliant boy who makes calculus sound like poetry and looks at you like youâre the most interesting equation heâs ever tried to solve.)
youâre halfway back to your dorm, still floating on a cloud of caffeine and satoru-induced euphoria, when you realize you forgot your phone at the coffee shop. cursing under your breath, you turn around and hurry back, hoping the cafĂ© is still open.
the door is unlocked, and you can see your phone sitting on the table where youâd been studying, the screen dark against the wood. you grab it quickly, not wanting to keep the staff any longer than necessary, but as you turn to leave, you nearly collide with someone coming out of the bathroom.
âoh, sorry, iââ you start, then stop dead in your tracks.
because itâs satoru. of course itâs satoru. but this isnât the satoru youâve been staring at for two months, the one who sits hunched over his textbooks in oversized sweaters and cardigans that hide every line of his body. this is satoru with his sweater off, standing there in just a fitted white t-shirt that clings to his frame in ways that make your brain completely shut down.
the sweater is draped over his arm, and you can see a small coffee stain on the sleeve that must have happened when you werenât looking. but thatâs not what your brain is focusing on. your brain is entirely occupied with the fact that satoru gojo has been hiding an absolutely devastating physique under all those carefully chosen baggy clothes.
heâs not bulky. heâs not some muscle-bound gym rat with biceps the size of your head. but heâs solid. broad shoulders that you never would have guessed at under all those loose sweaters, arms that look like they could pick you up without breaking a sweat, a chest thatâs definitely more defined than it has any right to be.
you can see the lean muscle in his forearms, the way his shirt stretches across his shoulders, the subtle definition of his abs through the thin fabric. heâs what people call a sleeper buildâlooking deceptively slight in clothes but surprisingly strong underneath. and itâs your worst nightmare and your most shameful fantasy rolled into one.
âyou forgot yourââ he starts to say, then stops when he sees your expression. his eyebrows furrow slightly, and you can see the way his head tilts in confusion. âare you okay?â
youâre not okay. youâre the opposite of okay. youâre spiraling, free-falling into a panic because your body is betraying you in the worst possible way. your carefully constructed preferences are crumbling like a house of cards, and you can feel your heart hammering against your ribs like itâs trying to escape.
âfine,â you squeak, but your voice comes out strangled and about three octaves higher than normal. you take a step back, then another, until youâre pressed against the wall with nowhere to go.
satoru follows, not aggressively, but with that same calculated precision he applies to everything else. you can see the concern in his eyes, the way his eyebrows draw together, the way his mouth turns down at the corners. he stops just close enough that you can feel the warmth radiating from his body, can smell his cologne mixed with something elseâsomething thatâs just him.
âyou sure?â he asks, and his voice is soft, concerned, but thereâs something else in his eyes. something that suggests heâs very aware of the effect heâs having on you. you can see the way his gaze darts down to your lips, then back up to your eyes, the way his breathing has gone slightly uneven.
âfine,â you repeat, but youâre not fine. youâre the opposite of fine. youâre having a complete existential crisis because your stupid body is responding to the sight of his shoulders, the way his shirt clings to his chest, the subtle line of muscle that disappears beneath his collar.
âyou donât look fine,â he says, and now his hand is reaching up to touch your forehead like heâs checking for a fever. the movement makes his shirt ride up slightly, revealing a strip of pale skin and the hint of muscle definition that makes your mouth go dry. âyou look like youâve seen a ghost.â
his palm is warm against your forehead, and you can feel the slight roughness of calluses on his fingertips. youâre close enough to see the way his eyelashes cast shadows on his cheekbones, close enough to count the barely visible freckles scattered across his nose.
âi have to go,â you say, but you donât move. you canât move. youâre trapped between the wall and satoruâs unexpected solidity, and your brain is completely offline.
âhey,â he says softly, and his other hand comes up to frame your face. his touch is gentle, careful, like heâs afraid you might break if he applies too much pressure. âtalk to me. whatâs wrong?â
you want to tell him itâs nothing, want to laugh it off and pretend youâre not having a complete mental breakdown over the fact that he has shoulders. but youâre looking up at himâwhen did he get so tall?âand his eyes are so concerned and so impossibly beautiful, like storm clouds with lightning behind them.
âyouâreââ you start, then stop, because how do you explain that youâre having an existential crisis over someoneâs biceps?
âiâm what?â he asks, and his voice is gentle, patient, like he has all the time in the world to wait for you to figure out how to form sentences. his thumbs brush across your cheekbones, and you can feel the slight calluses on his skin.
âyouâre stronger than you look,â you finally manage, and it comes out like an accusation.
satoru blinks, clearly not expecting that particular confession. his eyebrows lift slightly, and you can see the way his mouth parts in surprise. âi... yes? i work out sometimes. is that... bad?â
âyes,â you say immediately, then realize how that sounds and scramble to backtrack. âi mean, no. i meanââ youâre spiraling again, because heâs looking at you like youâre a puzzle heâs trying to solve, and his hands are still on your face, and you can see the way his muscles move under his shirt when he breathes.
âyou donât like that i work out?â he asks, and thereâs something almost hurt in his voice, the way his eyebrows draw together, the way his mouth turns down at the corners.
âitâs not that,â you say quickly, because you canât bear the thought of hurting his feelings, even in your current state of panic. âitâs just... i donât usually... i mean, iâve never been attracted to...â
you trail off, realizing what youâre about to admit, but satoruâs eyes light up with understanding. his mouth curves into a slow smile, and you can see the way his pupils dilate slightly.
âyouâve never been attracted to guys with muscle,â he says, and itâs not a question. his voice has gone soft, almost wondering, and you can see the way his tongue darts out to wet his lower lip.
you nod miserably, feeling your face burn with embarrassment.
âbut youâre attracted to me,â he continues, and thereâs something almost smug in his voice now, the way his smile widens, the way his eyes crinkle at the corners.
âunfortunately,â you mutter, but you canât look away from him, canât stop cataloging every detail of his face.
âunfortunately,â he repeats, and his smile is absolutely wicked now. you can see the way his canine teeth are just slightly sharper than the rest, the way his eyes are practically glowing with mischief. âso what youâre saying is that iâm irresistible enough to overcome your very reasonable preferences.â
âiâm saying youâre a problem,â you say, but thereâs no heat in it. your hands have somehow found their way to his chest, fisting in the fabric of his shirt, and you can feel the warmth of his skin through the thin material.
âa problem you want to solve?â he asks, and heâs leaning closer now, close enough that you can feel his breath against your lips. you can see the way his eyes dart down to your mouth, then back up to meet your gaze.
âa problem i want to avoid,â you lie, but your hands are pulling him closer even as you say it, and you can see the way his smile turns fond at the contradiction.
âliar,â he says, and then heâs kissing you, soft and sweet and completely devastating.
the kiss is everything youâve been imagining for months and nothing like you expected all at once. his lips are soft, gentle, but thereâs something sure and confident in the way he moves against you. you can taste coffee and something indefinably sweet, can feel the way his hands tighten slightly on your face like heâs afraid you might disappear.
when he finally pulls back, youâre both breathing hard, your heart hammering against your ribs like itâs trying to escape. you can see the way his eyes have gone dark, the way his hair is slightly mussed from where your fingers found their way into it.
âstill think iâm a problem?â he asks, and his voice is rough, affected, like the kiss hit him just as hard as it hit you.
âthe biggest problem,â you say, but youâre smiling now, because maybe some problems are worth having. especially when they come with shoulders like that and eyes like storm clouds and the kind of smile that makes you forget why you ever thought muscles were a bad thing.
âgood,â he says, and he kisses you again, deeper this time, with more confidence. his hands slide from your face to your waist, pulling you closer, and you can feel the strength in his arms, the way his body is solid and warm against yours.
it should terrify you. it should make you want to run. instead, it makes you want to map every line of muscle with your fingertips, want to figure out exactly how strong he is, want to lose yourself in this impossible contradiction of a boy who looks like heâd break if you handled him too roughly but feels like he could hold you together if you fell apart.
âyouâre trouble,â you murmur against his lips, and you can feel the way he smiles at the words.
âthe best kind,â he agrees, and his voice is pure sin, rough and low and absolutely devastating.
youâre so screwed. but as satoru kisses you again, his arms solid and sure around you, you decide that maybe being screwed isnât such a bad thing after all.
especially when it comes with the promise of more friday afternoon study sessions and the chance to figure out exactly what other surprises satoru gojo has been hiding under those oversized sweaters.
even if he is still, fundamentally, a complete and utter show-off who somehow makes that quality devastatingly attractive.
and if his hidden muscles are just another thing to add to your growing list of reasons why youâre completely gone for him, well, thatâs a problem youâll deal with later.
right now, youâre too busy kissing the most insufferable, brilliant, surprisingly strong boy youâve ever met to care about anything else.
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