#this very much isn't a well-structured Essay‚ just an agglomeration of thoughts

[aeide-thea]

[cw for mention of rape, Consent Issues]

prefatory acknowledgment that my thinking here is prompted by (1) an unrebloggable post i will therefore not cite (2) my own experiences growing up (3) olreid's ongoing theoryblogging abt Childhood Power Dynamics—

but like. thinking abt 'oh of course kids shouldn't read abt Bad Things bc they'll upset them omg!!!' discourse and like. as per (1) i agree that like. actually kids probably should experience getting upset by art sometimes and learn how to handle it, if nothing else because at some point their own life will upset them and they won't be able to step away from that nearly as easily as you can from a book?

but also like. as per (2) i read a pretty infamous series of historical fiction/romance books in first grade that notoriously feature (a) rape and (b) a lot of explicit consensual sex, and like. as far as the sex went, i was already reading about magic and dragons and aliens—lots of stuff happened in books that wasn't happening in my own little life! that was why i was reading them: for visions of other experiences!

and as far as the rape—i honestly don't remember being especially struck by it? which i'm sure makes me sound bafflingly callous, but like. the reality of (as per 3) childhood in general and also of (2) my ~neurodivergent~ childhood in particular was that my autonomy was overridden all the time in unpleasant if nonsexual ways, and i was being taught not to exhibit or even register distress at this, so like. in what world was a rape scene going to stand out to me as something unimaginably shocking, after that? life had already taught me that social norms, and the desires of those around you with power over you, mattered more than what you personally wanted, every time.

so i guess i just think like—a bad thing did happen to me growing up, but it wasn't reading about bad things in books; it was the socialization that taught me not to be bothered by bad things irl.

also i think—kids are generally curious about the world, and a lot of the time that includes being curious about sex, and i just—it's a normal part of development to seek out information about things! information itself isn't harmful: information is what enables you to identify harm.

also there's this idea that like. sexuality is somehow a whole other level separate from anything else, and i just think. i don't know that i agree. you can be very deeply, intimately, traumatizingly wronged in ways that are totally nonsexual, and things can happen to you sexually that don't really feel like a big deal! slash like—the sexual experiences i've had where my partner was worst about soliciting my consent didn't register emotionally as violations, because i'd already learned in a nonsexual context that it was fine when people who nominally loved you were careless with you! so i really struggle when people want to position rape+ as inherently separate from, and worse than, any other overriding of autonomy because it's sexual, when in my experience—it all connects.