#though classmates from there couldnt get away from it fast enough

[sumnantics]

After attending Once Upon an Elemntary together, and surviving Highs And Lows School (which everyone really just shortens to Middle School), they spent freshman year of highschool in different schools. Maisie went to Ever After High, and Neijiderick attended Beanstalk High, wanting to practice flying in the clouds. ...Not being a giant, he was ostracized and transferred to Ever After.

In the first year of her life that Maisie had not been locked at the hip with Neiji, she made close friends that werent him. ...And she realized that she wasnt feeling *best friendship* for Neiji, she was feeling *a crush.*

In the summer before Sophomore year started, Maisie confessed to Neiji.

It destroyed their friendship. He rejected her with GREAT vehemence. When they started school again, he completely ignored her in the halls. It was easy to avoid her-- being a villain, he had a completely different schedule than her, and being a Royal, he had completely different friends.

Maisie is an extremely perceptive girl. She may not be remarkable enough to make lasting impressions, but shes happy fading into the background. She does well in classes, but shes never perfect enough to shine. Graceful, elegant, scholarly, she doesnt need to try in her princess classes. Shes happy for that for the same reason-- she can people watch.

She's always been very mature. Perhaps its because she had to grow up too fast, shouldering her mother's emotional weight. This whole argument between royals and rebels all seems very silly to her-- The dramatics, that is. Because the moment she heard other students were planning to change their destiny, she wanted in.

She's never too worried abt Neiji. She *knows* him. She knows him better than he knows himself, shes perceptive and hes been all shes looked at for years. Shed answer his questions before he asked, shed figure out why hes upset before he even had a chance to feel it. She knows he needs time-- and she knows that, eventually, theyll both be in that tower. Alone. for years. And she figures theyll talk it out then.

As much as she retains her composure in most situations, theres one thing shes sensitive about-- her nobility.

Her *Destiny* is being a PRINCESS in a tower. But, generations ago, her family lost their nobility-- they had to sell it, their family too poor, and needing food more than a title. And since her story calls for a *Dragonslayer*, not a *Prince*, her family has never had a chance to regain their title.

A classmate, in an argument during class about who's on what side: Maisie's a Royal, *obviously.*

Maisie: Actually, I'm a Rebel.

Classmate: What? But... youre a princess?

Maisie: I'm a *Maiden*.

Classmate: Well, but you've got a Prince Charming?

Maisie: No. My story has a Dragonslayer.

(She corrects this constantly. everyone thinks shes a princess, and its the one assumption she will never not correct)

Neijiderick had felt growing resentment towards Maisie through all of Middle School. She was better and better at reading him-- and she was a middle schooler, who wanted to show off, and didnt have too much social awareness yet. She doesnt remember doing this, or at least how often, but she would constantly tell him what he was feeling-- "He just ignored you! Even though you waved. You must be angry, and hurt. I think he's going to his friends. I dont think he saw you, Neiji." Which seems benign enough of a thing to say, except she did it Constantly. he wouldnt be able to FEEL THINGS, and certainly he couldnt figure out his own feelings on his own. he felt exposed. He used to be able to take pleasure in sniping back at her when she got something wrong, but that only ever made her better at it.

He chose a different high school than her to get away from it all. That... didnt work out. The giants were cruel, and the teachers didnt notice-- or, they pretended not to. It made him spitting mad!!! But, he didnt know how to handle that anger, because he had always had Maisie-- either she'd help, or she'd try to help and then he'd redirect that anger at her for reading him too easily.

(He knows something about her that she doesnt. He knows shes not *that* good at reading him. Cuz she never read the growing resentment towards her correctly.)

When she confessed-- he ran. he ran immediately, squashed any reaction, left before she could read him-- he needed to figure this out *himself*.

And he did! And hes FUCKING PISSED. She's been hurting him all this time-- but, well, he never told her she was hurting him. She shouldve figured it out! But, well, he's GLAD he can keep SOME secrets. She KNOWS what his destiny is!

And there it is, he thinks. destiny. Hes never once considered that shed like anyone before her Dragonslayer. He thought he'd die before she loved someone. Maybe that was stupid? Plenty of people date in highschool, before signing the book of legend.

But why *him?* She knows more than anyone that he *cant return her affection.* He's got a time limit! And, even then-- He's going to be a DRAGON. dragons dont *kiss princesses.*

Thats right. Dragons dont kiss princesses. Dragons are ruthless, and mean, and *fucking cool*. And HES a dragon. (Wyvern, actually, but semantics.) He's going to sign the book of legends, and then after graduation like all the other magical beast characters, he's going to wake up the next day permanently in beast form.

So he ignores Maisie. Like a proper villain, and to avoid her seeing through him, and because-- look. he doesnt like her back. And, being her friend now would be *weird*. Knowing that every time they joke, every time they hang out, she'd be thinking of.... *romance.*

He changes his nickname. Avoids anything the reminds him of Maisie, actually-- she calls him Neiji,

So he goes by Ricky now. Ricky Fang. And he aces his classes, and he learns cool things like firebreath and attacking knights, and how to hold a Maiden in his claws-- a *princess*, he means, how to hold a *princess* in his claws to fly away with her.

and in his Villain classes, he meets--

Ramona Badwolf. Transferred to the school halfway through the school year. Immediately began gathering extra credit in her classes to make up for missing it, and almost as quickly made herself *known.* She was proud, and she was sly, and she was confident. She had an unwavering strength in herself-- she growled *scram*, and the halls cleared. And she was *incredibly pretty.*

Ricky was very interested in her. And he was even more interested when *she was interested in him*.

Turns out they have a lot in common-- theyre both gonna turn into magical beasts, theyre both going to have to dodge hunters, and they both know that being a msgical beast is going to be so fucking cool that it will all be worth it. Ramona asks him out, and he almost thinks he says yes too fast.

Ramona changes him, but really not by much. He was already punk, she just taught him how to show it. He cut his jacket into a vest, he collected all the shiny baubles he didnt before.

He has cultivated a very specific persona at Ever After High-- he's aloof, and distant, and hes quiet. He HATES the idea of someone being able to read him. And its hard to do, but he painstakingly makes certain he keeps those walls up around Ramona.

They date for a year, and it ends in flames. Literally. Their breakup is known throughout the school because they MADE IT KNOWN. They consistently make it known every time they see each other in the halls.

Ramona had gotten sick and tired of the mysterious facade. Sick of the distance. in their first Big Fight, she told him "I KNOW YOU, Ricky!" She didnt know that it would immediately terrify him, that hed get so defensive.

Ultimately, she knew the problem was this: He didnt see them as "serious" enough to trust her with his secrets.

He knew the problem, too! She seemed to think they were gonna stay together after graduation. can you imagine a WOLF and a DRAGON kissing? obviously not.

really, he was scared. Why else do people hide? if you cant see this part of me, ill never have to see you reject it. and really, she was scared too. She was scared he was hiding from her because he didnt ever actually like her, that she had been vulnerable in front of someone who was laughing at her the whole time.

[stellaestra]

how would stray kids interact with mc in high school if they ever met? // high school au headcanons [stray kids/reader]

pairing: skz hyung line + mc [reader]

description: who would mc interact with in high school if they ever met? what kind of interactions would they have? // bulletpoints headcanons + small snippets

genre: platonic, high school au, friendship, humour, hurt/comfort

author’s note: this could be a stand alone or not, the mc is the same bodyguard/intern au!mc...it's just a "what ifs" kinda thing, fellas

p.s. some of the scenarios are based off real life events that happened to me in high school but i overly exaggerated some of them for the shit and giggles,, tell me which event actually happened to me in the askbox lmao I'm curious

pls I'm funny i swear

cw: minor swearing, just teenagers being teenagers, idiots, mention of blood (?) uhh mentions of violence (??)

unedited

// no beta read, we’ll die like men

---

bang chan

mc is a '00 liner,

she doesn't interact with her seniors pt.1

to interact with them; it would have to be a school event or a collab project between the seniors and the juniors

possibly would be approached first by chan during sports day or a school festival for something

he thought that she's a pretty decent track runner when he saw sprint during the sports day track event

after that incident, chan would greet her in the hallways or wherever if he ever comes across her

mc would always awkwardly greet him back

“hey! you’re that really fast track runner, you did great that day!” chan complimented her in the hallways. out loud.

mc prays to whoever above there that chan would stop talking so loud as she could feel her face burn when she felt eyes on her.

cue to her awkwardly smiling at him and nodding, “yep, that’s me, yes, alright, senior chan.”

chan finds her adorable ever since that first few encounters

he also found out that she hangs out with felix just as much as he does

(love rivals (for felix) arc when)

he doesn’t know who to be envious of

that mc gets to spend so much time with lix or

felix being able to spend so much time with her

the never-ending saga

(love rivals (for felix) arc turned into possible rivals to friends arc)

(okay, im joking)

their respective friends group made a running joke

about how chan and mc are love rivals for felix

(it eventually became theirs as well)

(it's funny)

once he made her go off-tangent about felix

she was really passionate about his freckles and smile

for a moment

he really did think that she has a crush on him

no surprises there tho

felix IS absolutely cute

(friends arc?? omg, all for felix, HA)

he really really finds her adorable

he could go on for days

esp her little habit of covering her mouth when she speaks

sweater paws bc he almost always sees her with a jacket on even if it was a hot day

it's like a second skin on her

he once asked her if she ever removes her jacket

“only when im on school ground or during school events like assembly, i’ll take it off, senior chan.”

“eh? don’t you feel warm underneath that during a hot day?”

“...i do remove it sometimes, i guess...but i like wearing it bc it’s comforting.”

one time chan saw her without her jacket and wears short-sleeves uniform, he really wanted to shower her in his affections n also it’s such a rare sight that he almost couldnt recognized her

“haha hey, you didn’t wore your jacket today!”

“they’re in the laundry and...today’s a hot day...unfortunately, haah.”

he once tried to ruffle her hair but found her dodging his hand so fast at breakneck speed

that he was kinda concerned

she told him that her hair hasn't been washed yet so it's dirty

but the thing is: she told him every time he tried to ruffle her hair

“you’re not letting me pat your head on purpose.”

“senior chan, i wouldn’t do such a thing.” he noticed the little teasing smile before it disappeared.

he wondered briefly if she has always been this playful and cheeky with others her age

chan is aware that she speaks formally towards him out of habit though so he lets it slide and let her take her time growing comfortable with him.

he knew she was lying but let's her be anyway

bc she's his cute little junior

---

lee minho

another case of mc's "no seniors juniors interaction"

minho’s very attractive so mc will definitely avoid him at all cost

plus, he looks intimidating to her so bye bye

to not step on any of her classmates' landmines that has the hots for him

drama isn't her thing, she already witness a handful and even got thrown into the fire as fuel before

no thank you she liked having her life in high school as peaceful as possible

mc would make her conversations with him very short n blunt

she's not gonna catch anyone's hands today, my dudes

really, she doesn’t

minho thinks of her like a small kitten that needs to be taken care of

bc of how she always scutters away from chan whenever he’s with him

if they ever interact

it would be when the juniors have the collab with their seniors

like a science fair, where the students have to come up with things to showcase

his class coincidentally collabs with her class for that particular event

he told chan about it and he have never seen chan pout and deflate like that

the only person he does that to is felix...if not, it’s jeongin.

chan sure adores this little junior other than felix huh…

then again, felix and mc does hangout a lot and so does jisung and her

so he took this chance as to know more abt her

coughs because jisung seems to be talking a lot about her coughs

(minho + mc love rivals (for jisung) arc pt. 2 when)

(mc really about to fight 2 seniors because she's stealing their respective juniors huh)

(the never-ending saga of love rivals)

he approached her inside that shared classroom for the collab event

she looked constipated when he approached her group of friends

even more so when he directly asked for name and whatnot

it kinda made him want to tease her even more now

he found out her name and what they were planning to do

heard her cursing under her breath

he decided to join their group on the whim

found out that mc is just a little shy whenever he approached her

her friends are somewhat protective of her

he got glared at by one of them once when he wanted to greet mc in the hallways

and mc kind of hid half of herself behind them

so whenever she’s on her own, he would try to approach her as slowly as possible

like. dealing with a cat and you’re a stranger trying to gain their trust

what he never will forget nor stop teasing her was about

her spinning on her heels to walk into the direction she was previously coming from

just to avoid him

he couldn't help but find it hilarious

he won her over when he brings the topic of cats wandering around their school campus

saw how her eyes lit up brightly

“the stray cats here are fun to play with, right?”

“yeah, me and friends decided to name a few of them too!”

he mentioned it to her because he saw her playing with the cats when she was waiting for someone or when she has time to play with them during recess

and the ramblings of a high schooler about cats commences

he wasn’t bothered about how much she talked

would nod along with what she says

because wow, shes really passionate about cats

that's a huge bonus for minho

and that was how minho adopted another kitten

whenever they weren’t busy with their own things, they would play with the cats together

playdate with cats <3

she would tell him that one particular grey cat was called

“this cat’s name is miss universe! they’re so cute, right?” she picked the cat up and cuddle with it, eyes sparkling with joy

“why did you guys name them that?”

“because why not?”

“fair enough point.”

and she laughs

he was glad that she stopped being so cautious around him if he was being honest

since the way chan was talking about her so affectionately made him really curious about her

casually mentions that jisung talks about her a lot

expected her to be bashful about it

but all she does was

“oh, cool, what did he say? I’m a weeb? Hah, he’s the same as I am” + "he should've said to it my face, senior minho, hmph"

so making her flustered backfired on him

poor minho

here’s your “you tried” star

mwah

so yeah, minho adopted a new cat (his little junior)

---

seo changbin

same case as the two above, unfortunately

if they do ever interact, it's short and pleasantries

mc does kinda find him intimidating to certain extent

she's not good with dealing with intimidating looking people

but when he smiles, her shoulders feel less tense when she interacts with him

thinks of him as a pretty cool senior

he made her listen to his rap once n she told him that he's so cool n that stuck with him for days

imagine a junior telling you that you're so cool with that starry-eyed expression

your ego would go off the rooftop

after that, changbin would make it out of his way to greet her in the hallways

RAP MUSIC BUDDIES???? POTENTIAL

pat her on the head occasionally

if she doesn't dodge like hell away from his hands

“why do you keep avoiding them”

“no, don’t pat me, you’re treating me like a cat”

“I’m not?” lies, ever since minho told him that she reminds him of a cat, he really thought about it more

“you have that same look minho gives me when he tries to pat me…hyung…”

“we’re really going to make you call us oppa one day, watch us”

“um, yeah, no.”

“let your cute senior pat your head!!”

“im gonna run away!”

he knows that the younger ones in their friend group do interact with her

esp felix and jisung

for innie’s circumstances, that’s different

she does comes to him every once in awhile to abuse her title of his cute little junior to get a chance to listen to a teaser of his raps or songs he composes

found out that she does like rap songs! a lot more than he thought

they became those friends who shares new songs they found out and share it with each other

even at ungodly hours like 2am in the morning

that would not stop them

“this song reminds me of you”

“hey hey hey listen to this, psst”

“This shit SLAPS, go listen or else im gonna fight you in the school hallway, coward”

he became smug about it and boast about his knowledge to 3racha

jisung complained that he thought she only listened to anime songs or soft indie songs because he saw her playlists before

changbin told them that she has other playlists that’s for more “intense and aggressive” songs

they were floored and the conversation starts like this,

“what do you mean she likes listening to yours and ours music and raps?”

“im not kidding, she does! she even showed me her playlists that were filled with rap, rock and metal songs!!”

“my little mc? likes those songs? are you sure you’re not dreaming?”

“it’s a public playlist, i even followed her playlists”

“If you’re wrong, hyung, im really gonna fight you on this! bc I KNOW her first”

“doesn’t mean that you know her BETTER”

lots of petty bickerings

chan and jisung has a big revelation about mc that day at school

(there goes mc’s little rep within their group of friends)

he did warned them to not tell her that he told them about it and

that they actually are aware of her music taste

or else

she tried to rap really fast one time, trying to rap like how he does

he had to witness her biting her tongue live

changbin would never think someone like her would have

such a vulgar language

every profanity he knows came out of her mouth

he quickly got her something to soothe her wounded tongue

after fretting over her though, he started teasing her

relentlessly

she threatened to sue him

"I'll sue you"

"with what money?"

"my 2 fucking dollars lunch money!"

"that's not enough to pay anything, not even your attorney!"

"fight me!"

he’s that older brother figure that mc would come to whenever she has no one to tell her woes to

their relationship turned out to have lots of playful banters and teasings

he gives very comforting hugs and pats

mc doesn’t want to admit it tho

well, until, changbin caught her snuggling into his hugs one fine day

“admit it, you like them, you like my hugs”

“okay, fine, i DO like them, they’re great hugs, don’t let it go to your head.”

“I KNEW IT”

“You’re so loud, shut up, hyung!”

“OH MY GOD, YOU FINALLY ADMIT TO IT, IM GONNA TELL THE WORLD-KSDFNKSDNF-”

"FUCK- I SAID, SHUSH"

rip in peace, changbin

he didn’t expect someone like her would have so much strength to smother his mouth with her hand and shut it

the more you know

curiousity killed the cat????

---

hwang hyunjin

avoidance at all cost (pt.2) despite being in the same year

why? exhibit a: he's considered very attractive in her year and that her classmates n batch mates have crushes on him

coughs one of the school princes coughs

their batch year prince

she's really gonna swerve away from him

interactions will be kept at a bare minimum

one time hyunjin n some others wanted to borrow a textbook from their class because they have forgotten theirs n he chose hers

she could feel cold sweat forming as she feels the death stare of some of her classmates

that gta [wasted] sfx whenever ur character dies

yeah that's mc

that was probably the last time she would even think about it

when he returned it back to her, he smiled at her, the really cute eye smile and she felt like she made the target on her back bigger lol

goodbye mc you've lived a good life

your friends will definitely will play never gonna give you up during your funeral (it's a promise)

jokes aside

hyunjin would probably noticed the panicked look in her eyes and wondered why

since his friends like felix and...jisung...and seungmin are like on good terms with her

he probably wondered about it a lot

borderlines on overthinking since both felix and jisung are particularly close to her

so she should know that he’s friends with them

ever since that encounter, it would come across his head whenever he saw her hanging out freely with felix or jisung or both of them

or when he come across her in the hallways

sometimes he wants to greet her but it feels like it would scare her away

esp when she looks ready to run into the opposite direction

if he ever made eye contact with her

so his plan to befriend mc has started

tried to join into the trio hangout; jisung, felix and mc

mc never did protest his presence like at all

but does occasionally look stiff when he's near her

eventually shes comfortable enough with him

but not enough to actually hang out with him alone though

that thought kind of made him feel envious towards the other boys

and a little left out

as a teenager, he has too many emotions to handle so

jisung and felilx caught the idea and told him to let her

take her time because she kinda. shy. (???)

that didn't stop him from mulling over it tho sometimes

one day he found her waiting at the bus stop

it was in the evening, she was still in her school uniform

he was kinda on an errand run too

kinda didn’t want to sit on the same bench as her

afraid that she might run away

she noticed him standing there eventually albeit very anxiously and kinda awkward

a casual greeting slipped past her lips which shocked hyunjin to his very core

he splutters back a reply

“on an errand run, errand boy?"

"huh?"

“uh, um, pretend that i didn’t say anything.”

“right, sure, but may i sit next to you, the bus seemed to be late and my legs are kinda tired.”

“oh, uh, yeah, sure, but you didn’t have to ask, y’know?”

“well, didn’t wanna scare you off…"

“it’s nothing personal, if that’s what you’re worried about,” + “it’s just. didn’t wanna step on a landmine and the girls in our batch seemed to adore you a lot and me being close to you might set off the wrong signal…?”

“that’s absurd, you’re...being unreasonable..i mean, its none of their business-!”

“i know, im sorry, my bad, it’s not your fault either, it’s not anyone’s fault, to be honest.”

for a moment, he found her reasoning to be petty and unreasonable until it finally clicks inside her head, from her point of view when he really thought it through.

“...no wait, im sorry, i think, i kinda get why when i really thought about it.”

“yeah, it’s no biggie, don’t worry, im sorry too, we’ll both get over it”

“...um, we’re friends, right?”

“...i suppose so, if you dont mind, dummy.”

a giddy smile crossed his face while mc struggles to not stare at him looking so cute like that as she coughs into her hand, avoiding eye-contact

pretty boys have too much power in their hands

and she’s one of their fallen victims towards their charms

this isn’t fair for her heart

so when the bus arrived

they sat beside each other on the bus

hyunjin did most of the chattering while mc listens

he was so glad he cleared smth up with her

if she allows it, he would definitely tried to hug her

until he remembers that one time changbin told him he almost got punch in the face by her

when he tried doing it the first time and startled her

yeah no not now

maybe sometime in the near future, a long-awaited hug would be great

(if he was honest tho, he really wanted to cry when she told him the truth)

(it felt like a heartache)

but it’s okay now though

they’re friends now (somewhat) and that’s all that matters

---

[masterlist]

[violetnotez]

Okay, can we get more of that Mineta being a perv and the guys protecting their s/o from him shit bc??? Damn that was good. Maybe with like, Todoroki, Sero, Shinsou and maybe a girl?? Like Jirou?

Yes babes I gotchu!!! I’m sorry I don’t write for girls, I have t actually written for one and I’m afraid I’ll screw it up-maybe some day! 🥰

Pairings: Shoto x reader, Shinsou x reader

Original Posting: Includes Kaminari, Bakugo, Izuku, and Kirishima

Shoto

◦Your muscles were aching, your head was pounding slightly- you were just over and done with everything in general and just

◦Wanted. To. Sleep.

◦You were sitting on the couch next to Uraraka and Iida, watching out of boredom as Kaminari and Mineta played Mario Kart

◦You got up, excusing yourself from the sofa-

◦“I think Im gonna go take a shower and get ready for bed, night guys,”

◦Iida and Uraraka politely said good night, Mineta’s ears perking when he heard you say ‘shower’

◦The little gears in Mineta’s perverted head began to start spinning, a plan beginning to concoct in his head

◦ Unknowing to you, Mineta had been staring at you all during training and by staring I meant your chest and ass

◦ So of course this boy is gonna try something to see more of that

◦ Mineta faked a yawn, overly stretching his body- “I think Im gonna go take a nap- night!” and zoomed off, confusing the crap out of Kaminari

◦ MIneta followed you slowly from behind, making sure to stay a few feet away so you wouldnt notice him

◦ He waited for you to enter the girls’ bathroom, making sure no one was around once he heard the shower water start to run

◦ He knew he didnt have much time, so he fought the urge to sneak a peak at you in the shower and decided instead to snatch your clothes off from the counter and run to the living room- if his planned work it would be his best plan yet

◦ What a rude awakening once you stepped out of the shower though, only to find your towel sitting there- you remember grabbing your clothes- so why werent they there?

◦ You then noticed the door to the bathroom was slightly cracked open-there was no way you would leave it open like that

◦Your exhaustion instantly turned to annoyance- it had to be one of your classmates

◦ At that point you didnt care who saw you- you wrapped your body in your towel, your wet hair leaving droplets on the floor as you stomped out into the living room

◦ “Oh verrry funny guys- now were the hell is my clothes!?” you yelled out

◦ Kaminari turned around, and short circuited seeing you only dressed in a towel, Iida was rambling about public deceny as his cheeks turned bright red, Uraraka running up to see what was wrong

◦ MIneta was drooling from behind the couch, his fingers mindlessly looking for his phone- he needed the image of a fresh-out-of-the-shower you permanently in his phone

◦ While you were taking a shower, Shoto had went into the kitchen to make himself some food (yes its cold soba what else would it be) and was just chilling and sitting on the counter of the kitchen eating

◦ But when you came in the living room, clad in nothing but a short towel, your legs glistening, and your hair wet....he almost choked on his soba

◦ Holy crap- he thought you were beautiful, of course he did, but you dressed like that- his body physically couldnt handle you looking that sexy

◦ His body instantly went up a few degrees as he unknowingly stared at your chest for a few moments, shaking his head out of the daze, his cheeks red

◦ He got up form the chair, going to see what was wrong- until he noticed a purple blur out of the corner of his eye

◦ He then saw Mineta, his eyes practically bulging out of his sockets, staring at you, his phone out, the camera aimed. At you.

◦ If you have never seen Shoto mad- ohohoh today is the day

◦ Shoto is usually so calm and collected, but right now, he was practically seeing black- all he could think about was stomping that little purple grape into the carpet. He quickly grabs the phone out of Mineta’s hand, Shotos face clearly pissed off

◦ “What the hell, I was doing something-” Mineta started, but instantly squeaked out of fear once he realized who had taken his phone

◦ Shoto was towering over him, aggresive flames licking up his hands

◦ “What exactly were you doing, Mineta-kun?” Shoto’s voice was dangerously low, his tone filled with venom

◦ “I-I-I-hey!” Mineta shrieked, his wide eyes watching as Shoto froze his phone into a solid block of ice “its not my fault your girlfriends hot!”

◦ As Uraraka was trying to help you brainstorm where your clothes could be, you looked up to the sound of Mineta screaming bloody murder

◦ Shoto currently had MIneta’s shirt balled into his left hand, his right hand raised as flames licked up his skin

◦ You instantly put two and two together, runnng over to stop your boyfriend from doing anything he’d regret later

◦ Shoto was in a pure rage mode, but when he felt your hand on his arm, and turned around to see your face, his anger went down some

◦ But also- your towel had kinda slipped from running over, so know it was exposing more of your legs, and your boobs were pushed up even more as your free hand tried to keep up the towel

◦ His cheeks instantly turn red and lewd thoughts popped into his mind- he had to admit it to himself, he could see why Mineta was being so perverted

◦ But it was still inexcusable- He isntantly wrapped you into a hug, blocking your body from sight

◦ Mineta scrambled across the floor, pulling your clothes from under the sofa- “You’re insane! Here-take them back!”

◦ You had never seen the grape run so fast in his life- after that little incident Mineta was too afriad to even be in the same room as you or Shoto

Shinsou

(*in this one the reader is tipsy, so if your not for that, just skip to the next one 💕)

◦ Shinsou sighed, starting to regret letting you drag him to one of these parties you two are always invited to

◦You always begged him to go, but he always declined-until tonight

◦You had decided to go on your own, wearing a tight black dress that outlined all your curves, your hair and makeup accentuating all your best features

◦You looked delicious, and if he could have his way he would keep you home all night in that little dress-but you were persistent, insisting on going

◦The hell he was going to let you go like that by yourself-he was gonna make sure he supervised you all night

◦Once you two got to the party, all the 1-A girls instantly crowded around you and took you to the dance floor, something Shinsou would be caught dead doing

◦He decides to go sit on the couch and just people watch

◦But immediately he was invited to play some pool with Kaminari and Sero, so he reluctantly played for a good hour or so

◦When he went to go check up on you though, oh was he in for a sight

◦You were clearly pretty tipsy, a red cup clutched in your hands as you laughed a little too much, your hips swaying to the music

◦He looked down, though, and his stomach turned- that purple idiot from Class 1-A was definitely checking you out

◦ Shinsou watched as Mineta’s face twisted into an evil grin as he watched your hips sway as well, his height making it perfect to stare at your ass

◦ Shinsou seemed to watch in slow mo as Mineta’s hand went out to grab your ass, Shinsou already predicting he’d try doing something-

◦Shinsou grabbed his hand, earning a terrified squeak from Mineta-

◦ “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” Shinsou’s face was harsh and his voice cold like ice, making Mineta gulp

◦Your cloudy mind heard Shinsou’ voice, turning around, oblivious to the whole encounter

◦”Hey baby!!” You drawled out happily, wrapping your arms around his neck, placing a sloppy kiss on his cheeck

◦He found your drunkenness kinda adorable, his cheecks flushing-but still, he had to admit that you could easily be taken advantage in this state

◦He was inwardly kicking himself for not watching you and making sure you were safe as you cocked your head confusedly

◦ “Wait arent you the grape guy?” You asked, giggling at Mineta’s pale face, “Your hair is really funny-isn’t it Shinsou?”

◦ Mineta’s face fell, beginning to walk away as he realized you were already taken. You continued to innocently laugh at his hair, somehow thinking it was the funniest shit in the world

◦Shinsou rolled his eyes playfully, happy you didn’t realize what could have happened a few moments ago-if you knew what he was trying to do, you would have been furious

◦He grabbed your wrists gently, pulling you in front of him

◦”Your a giggly drunk, arent you doll?” He asked with a smirk

◦You were still laughing, butterflies forming in your stomach- “I’m not drunk...I’m just-dancing!” You argued back, a hiccup escaping out of your lips

◦”Uh-Huh, and my hairs not purple.”

◦You began to protest, something Shinsou knew you would do-you were stubborn and never wanted to listen to him unless you absolutely needed to

◦,”Alright, kitten-“ He sighed, throwing your body over his shoulder, “I think it’s time for us to go home.”

I’m so sorry I literally have no motivation to write for Sero, so I hope these two boys are enough! 💕💕💕

[kdramachitchat]

Episode 2 dives into Yohan’s past and how he became the monster he is today. The episode also adds a surprising meeting at a charity function and a bomb explosion.

The Devil Judge episode 2; The Yellow Porsche

Dinner and family gossip

The episode begins as a continuation from the last scene of the pilot episode. The 3 judges gathered together and Judge Yohan invited his colleagues for a meal. Jinjoo seem unaware with the tension between Gaon and Yohan accepted the invitation. Gaon not saying anything, Yohan mentions that he didnt have to go but eventually accepted. Back in the office, Gaon asked Jinjoo is it ok for someone to yawn while crying. After that Jinjoo added new information, she said that Yohan is basically a rich guy an heir of their family and the dinner will be a gourmet. During dinner, they get to know Yohan personally moreso on Jinjoo though and Gaon keeps quiet. Yohan mentions during dinner that he hunts. Yohan mentions that he is similar to a animal with the way he eats. Gaon says that Yohan is a pampered prince since birth then a flash back of him at his home that says otherwise. Dont judge the book by it’s cover Gaon. His late father is a loan shark and father’s his father’s footsteps.

Since they’re talking about family, Yohan mentioned about Gaon’s family who was in neck-deep with debt. Gaon is pissed that Yohan has been looking at his records. Yohan added that Gaon’s father lost his money to a con artist which led to his father committing suicide. Yohan’s father was in a money lending business and tells Gaon that everytime his debtor killed themselves he goes to confess.

The Yellow Porsche

While Gaon was walking home on the opposite side of the road we see a man driver a yellow Porsche. He was driving quite fast and was about to meet someone. While the man was driving, he talking to someone on the phone discussing something about having something set. We see homeless people out on the street eating their meals beside a truck with the Social Responsibility Foundation signage. The man continues to drive and drives into them, blinking his lights and honking at them. Driving madly he has hit a homeless man and Gaon sees the incident across the street. The man steps out of his car and does a insincere apology to the homeless man.

The porsche guy shows up yet again and on the otherside a child at backseat with the mother driving. The 2 cars got into a accident and Gaon saw it. The porsche guy does the same thing like the first time and just leaves without taking care of the victim. Gaon mentioned that he’s seen the car before and the driver gets pissed with how he doesnt like it if people get in his way. Soohyun and Gaon tries to catch the culprit, we then see Yohan driving his luxury car trying to catch him as well. Yohan eventually stopped him and damaged his car. Yohan ended him by finding stash and giving out a public transportation card after. Soohyun is shocked to witness this scene of Judge Yohan acting like this in the flesh.

The yellow Porsche guy happens to be a CEO at a food company. He did taste testing with a dislike reaction. One of the staff said that they try their best to scout top head chefs despite the lawsuit threat. He’s been trying to get the exact recipe with spending his own money but couldnt copy despite having top chefs. He’s copying someone else’ recipe but the CEO/Chairman is never satisfied. The CEO is hiding pills on his desk and his reminded by the flashback scene of him and Yohan. Once the ceo guy leaves he meets Yohan again. Yohan reminds him about his public transportation card. Yohan compares him to a fresh bait.   

President and Ministry of Justice

Both important figures were discussing the results of the 1st trial and how its a joke to have 235 years worth of imprisonment. She asked if it was a plan conducted by the President. Ms Cha pointed out Yohan’s fake crying while calling out the victim’s names but President defended Yohan and tells her it was difficult to shed a fake tear or try to act. They both also talked about how the President is leading a country who’s currently in danger. President realized something about her comment stating that the loss of Chairman Joo is a big deal for her, also adds how she was able to put countless Chairman’s behind bars. So why would she get so upset about Joo? Hmm. The President is beginning to become curious about their relationship and jokes that he used to be an actor with wild imagination. He also stated if the trial orchestrated by her but the foundation wont approve. Ms Seo didnt seem unhappy. Ms Cha then meets up with Mr Seo afterwards with Ms Jung not allowing her to enter. Ms Cha made a rude comment and eventually made her enter. Ms Cha is mad and asked why Mr Seo teamed up with Yohan behind her back. Mr Jeo says that having the public’s back may not be so bad which came to Ms Cha’s conclusion, President Heo convinced Yohan on his own. Ms Cha wont just watch as people turn their backs on her and she’ll definitely do something about it. Mr Seo then requested her to leave.

Ms Jung asked Ms Cha if the 1st trial was that bad, but the ruling party gave a 17%. Since the Ministry of Justice is the next in-line for the Presidential position, for sure many companies will be in-line to support her but why the fuss about Chairman Joo. She apologized once again for crossing the line since she’s just a mere secretary, hehe.

Gaon thinks otherwise

Gaon and Jingho talks about Yohan and how surprised Gaon was that Yohan didnt let Chairman Joo off the hook. Itll be harder to find the motive and think that there’s some deal behind it. Looks like everything went well with the trial but still they cant mess it up and Gaon will look further into it. He’s still bugged with the doctor and Yohan from the first trial. Jang Kiyoung who is a witness, Gaon asked Yohan if he trusts what he said. Gaon commented how weird it is for him to change their statement and Yohan said he must’ve have a guilty conscience. Gaon is still isnt convinced as it seemed that he had another intention. Citing an example on making the defendant deliberately look like he murdered the victim. He also added that Yohan looked happy to get along with him. He observantly noticed how different he acted then all of a sudden after that, Yohan became quiet. Flashback of the witness scene and Yohan commented howcome Gaon kept focusing on him and asked if what he’s doing is intentional. Because of the way Yohan said his words, Gaon thinks that’s the reason why the defendant changed his statement and admitted professional negligence.

Yohan answered acting like what the fuss was about because it turned out well. Yohan only cared about the trial turning out right but Gaon wants constitutionalism.  Gaon asked if there is another reason and Yohan said its like a unjust game. It looks like Gaon just wants justice for the victims (especially with his backstory) and Yohan gave him a reality check. Gaon stormed out with a recording on hand.

Soohyun starts investigating on Mr Jang Kiyoung the witness from the first trial. Then we see someone else spying on Soohyun and informing whoever he’s speaking to, eventually finding out to be Yohan. Yohan said that Gaon came to see him too. Yohan thinks to why there’s a courageous witness. Yohan also was able to find the spy device under his desk. Gaon is in trouble. She eventually calls Gaon and finds comments on online articles after searching about Mr Jang stating how Yohan is called the devil. The more they seem to be connected.

Charity Show

Gaon and Jinjoo were called at Yohan’s office, they were invited to be at the production’s and the Social Responsibility Foundation charity fashion show event. The charity will be donating millions of dollars. Another tense eye connection happens between Gaon and Yohan...Awkward... Gaon looks away and Yohan observed the reaction. Jinjoo also mentioned how the chairman of the board is famous as the nation’s advisor. Gaon being the textbook judge declined, he says that its wrong for a judge to be at a event like that while looking at Yohan. The head producer invited them because they want the public to receive a sense of hope. They arrived at the event and the host asks them a question each especially to Yohan. The host states that the public shows a strong trust with Yohan and is watching him closely. Yohan promises that he will fighting for Korea’s just society with his life on the line. Jinjoo gets introduced to Mr Seo who is acting like a disgusting prick by Ms Jung and she’s left alone with him. Yohan saves her on time.

Yohan and Ms Cha meets at the event and congratulates him despite the surprise. They both pose for the camera and Ms Cha asked if he plans to do that again.

Yohan and Ms Jung meets once again too. Ms Jung warns Yohan that the owner does not like twist and turns.

Ms Cha introduces her husband and eventually her son who is the same guy from the Porsche incident. Oops. Plot twist.

Ms Jung talks to Mr Seo and makes a observed statement. She says that Yohan is not tamed enough. You can never tame a monster.

Gaon visits a pastor

Gaon continues his investigation on Yohan starting from his past. He visits a church talking to a pastor who knew Yohan and says how different he is from others. The pastor notices how Yohan has a gloomy expression on his face and kept quiet most of the time. A flashback of a young Yohan smashed a bird on the head during class to stop it from flying around. The classmates started calling him names and a monster. They continue to treat him as a invisible classmate. The pastor calls him a devil but its nothing compared to what happens next. The classmates started treating him badly and yet they're the ones acting like a monster. An incident at school happened when the items of the upper class kids were missing and the blame was on them, Yohan was the cause of that incident. At that moment, Yohan eventually became like a devil.

After the event, Gaon went back to Yohan’s office to check on the spy device but eventually Yohan caught him. While they were talking Jisung hears a beeping sound only for Gaon to realize that its a bomb. The bomb exploded and Gaon saves the both of them.

[tvmblrdothailey]

Bnha x trans woman reader

A/N: I decided to write an x reader where the reader is a trans woman. To any trans woman reading this I just want you to know thAT I FŪCKING LOVE YOU💙💖🤍💖💙🥰😘🥰😘🥰😘 YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND I WILL LITERALLY FIGHT ANYONE WHO HURTS YOU.

Warning: Cursing, Transphobia, mentions of Sex Reassignment Surgery, Gender Dysphoria. Karen

(Y/N): Your name

(D/N): Your dead name

Summary: It took a while for your parents to accept you for who you are, you just hoped your classmates and teachers would accept you as well.

- Before the first day, you had recieved your school uniform, but it turned out to be a mens uniform. To which you had to “politely” ask them to send you the correct uniform.

- Once you made it to class you were immediently introduced to a green haired male who you’d later find out was named Izuku. Then you met Uraraka, Iida, Asui, etc.

- Eveything was going well until your teacher showed up and immediently had you all sent to change into P.E uniforms.

- It wasn’t the uniform that was the problem, it was the fact that none of them knew you were trans and had to share a changing room with other woman. And even though they seemed friendly at first, you still were unsure how’d they react.

- In the past you had to learn the hard way that a smile can really hide someones true colors and that not all people are willing to accept you for who you are and not what you are.

- It’s worth noting that you havent had Sex Reassignment Surgery yet, because you couldnt afford it. (You did take medication though)

- And even though you were generally confident about your Gender, you still had your moments where you started to doubt yourself abd even questioned if you were a real woman (WHICH YOU FRICKING ARE OKAY!!! 😤💙🤍💖)

- Once you were in the womans lockerroom, you tried your best to find a place where you could change without any of them seeing you. So far it was going good until Uraraka came looking for you. She blushed and in a panic you told her you were a trans woman.

- You froze for a few seconds before hearing Uraraka’s voice “Oh...okay, well just so you know, I think you’re a very beautiful woman!” My god you had to hold back from giving Uraraka a hug right then and there.

- Later down the line you had come out to the rest of the girls as a Trans woman, to which they all responded with hugs and affection.

- “We don’t care if you’re trans, you’re still the same (Y/N) we know and love.” -Hagakure

- “It doesnt matter whats in your pants, if you identify as a woman, then you’re a woman.” - Jirou

- “I am literally pink, and you think I’d judge you because of your gender? Hell nah, get over here and let me love you!” - Mina

- “If anyone tells you otherwise you come to me and I will have a “friendly” chat with them.” -Momo

- “Ribbit, You’ll always be our friend (Y/N), no matter what.” -Tsu

- They would die for you

- With the help of the other girls, you eventually came out to Aizawa, and he promised that you would be treated the same just as any other student. And if anyone gives you any problems you bring it to him for him to deal with. (Protective dad tm)

- Eventually the entire class knew and you felt the biggest weight fall of your shoulders.

- “It does’nt matter, you’re still (L/N) (Y/N). And we all care about you. 💚” -Izuku

- “I don’t give a damn about your gender! So stop it with that self-concious shit.” -Bakugo. Although his words may seem harsh, he really cares about you and is willing to blow up any wall, building or mountain to chase away any Dysphoria you may have.

- You had to exaplain it a couple of times for Todoroki since he was never educated about that kind of stuff, but once he got it he immediently replied “I didn’t know people could do that. Thank you for telling me, and I’ll do everything I can to support you.” 🤍❤️

- Of cource there were going to be some students who felt the need to belittle you...

- One time in the Caffiteria, Monoma had walked up to your table and desided that today would be the day he would be the biggest dick in the world

- “It’s shocking how people say Class 1A is one of the hardest courses to get into, yet they let someone like you in.” He said

- You looked at him “Excuse me?”

- “I’m just saying when you think about it scientifically, you’re still a man no m- “ Monoma didn’t get to finish his sentence before Kendo slapped him, knocking him out cold.

- “Hey, sorry about him (Y/N). I knew he was low but I didn’t think he was that low.” She then smiled at you “Don’t listen to him, he’s just desperate to finding ways to make his class seem better because of some imaginary rivalry that’s only exist in his head. Anyway, I need to take him to Recovery girl to get his brains checked, but I’ll see you later!”

- Kendo was the best, and she made sure that Monoma got a stern lecture from Vlad later that day.

- Then there was the Mall incident, when the class was going on a trip to the mall to buy supplies for Summer training camp, but then you ran into an Ex friend.

- Emphasis on the word EX

- “(D/N)?” They said. To which you froze, you recgonized that voice anywhere and you could already tell that this conversation wasn’t going to be friendly.

- You slowly turned around “Hey Karen...” She didnt look that diffrent, fake nails, fake jewlery, fake personality...what?

- “Why are you dressed like a woman?” She said.

- You groaned before responding “Because I am a woman, Karen.” You tried to walk away from her in order to avoid confrontation, the last thing you needed were hundreds of eyes on you. You made a note to yourself to come back tommorow when you would’nt have to deal with her. But you’re taken out of your thoughts as you feel someone grab your shoulder and spin you around.

- “Do you think it’s funny? To make fun of mental illness?” She said.

- There was a point in time when Karens words didnt offend you anymore, they just frustrated you because of how dumb and ignorant she sounded.

- “Karen, I have told you multiple times that I am a woman, I am not mentally ill, I am human. I get that it might be confusing for you but it’s not for me. I am happy the way I am okay?”

- “You’re the one that’s confused. You think you’re a girl but you’re a boy no matter what? That’s just how the human body works.” She shot back. At this point multiple eyes were already on you two. Some looked uncomftorable, others look confused and then there were a few that looked disgusted. Just a few people had the power to send Dysphoria crawling back into your mind.

- You started to hear fast footsteps before hearing “WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY YOU BOOTLEG BARBIE BITCH?!”

- Oh hey bakugo (we’re gonna pretend him, Kiri and Shoto came along aight)

- “Bakugo, It is unacceptable to call a woman by such a deragatory term! Even though she was being rude to (Y/N) there are better ways to-“ Iida was cut off by Bakugo

- “SHUT THE HELL UP FOUR EYES!” Kiri then had to hold bakugo back while Todoroki and Uraraka steped in between you and Karen.

- “Don’t ever talk to our friend like that, she is more of a woman than you’ll ever be. I’d suggest that you walk away right now, our friend can only hold back Bakugo for so long.” Todoroki said

- Uraraka helped calm your nerves and whispered to you “Don’t listen to her, she’s just jealous because you can wear a dress better than her.”

- AIGHT, now the training camp.

- During the training camp, Tiger had not only helped you get stronger, but also helped scare away any Gender Dysphoria that remained inside your head.

- “Don’t ever let peoples harsh words get to you! You are doing this for yourself and that’s what matters!” He said

- When it was time to take a bath, you didn’t hesitate to get into the hot springs. The encouraging words Tiger gave you along with the constant support of your friends had made you feel safe and happy. You could’nt ask for better friends.

Bonus:

* IF YOU DO NOT PLAN ON HAVING SEX REASSIGNMENT SURGERY THEN YOU CAN IGNORE THIS PART

- One moment that stuck out was when momo dropped the question “Hey (Y/N), you dont have to awnser this but I was wondering, why have’nt you gone through Sex Reassignment Surgery? Are you not comftorble with it or...?”

- “Oh, I just dont have the money for it.” You responded

-Way way later on.

- your birthday was finally around the corner

- On the big day you woke up to your friends Uraraka and Midoriya at your door and they dragged you to the main room where the rest of the class along with Mr. Aizawa were.

- You noticed a large envelope on the coffe table and they looked at you before Hagakure urged you to open it.

- When you did you found two gifts, one was a shirt

- And the other was a smaller envelope with the words Class 1A written on the back. You opened the envelope and pulled out a card and opened it to which a small keychain fell out that said “trans woman are real woman” and if that wasn’t wholesome enough...

- You looked inside the card but before you could begin reading Aizawa interupted and asked you to read it outloud.

- “Dear (Y/N), words can not describe how wonderful you are, how brave, how strong, or how amazing of a person and classmate you are. We all love you! When you came out to us as a transwoman, we all immediently wanted to make sure you knew you were valid and loved. It’s come to our attention that you haven’t had sex reassignment surgery because you are unable to afford it. So we banded together and decided we would help pay for your surgery-“ you couldn’t finish as you were allready in tears and you looked at Aizawa and the rest of the class to confirm that they were not messing with you.

- “I’ve already talked with your parents all you have to do is set up an appointment and all that fun stuff.” Aizawa said.

- Your tears turned into water falls and your classmates all went to give you hugs and affection. You thanked each of them through your tears of joy and hiccups.

- Definitely a Birthday that would be remembered.

TUMBLR DESITED TO DELETE 65% OF THIS POST THAT I POURED MY HEART AND SOUL INTO 😭

[daylightinathousandcuts]

I Wanted It To Be You - Reddie

All the drunk moments shared between Richie and Eddie, and just maybe, the liquid could give them some confidence sometimes.

Richie was drunk again.

Eddie was about used to it by now, Richie’s drunk giggles and the way he’d stumble around clumsily. Everything seemed perfectly normal at first. It was summer, so time for the Losers club to go out to random parties and get drunk together - make some memories they’d look back on and smile (if they could remember, of course).

Richie and Eddie had always been friends, but not particularly best friends. Of course, they basically were, but there was always this awkwardness between them like the other didn’t like the other, even though they both knew it wasn’t true. It was a weird tension. Noboby else in the group noticed, and so Eddie just assumed it was just in his mind.

Now, usually when Richie got drunk, he was just loud. Singing and dancing along with random people he never met, making small remarks about “how that girl over there is really fit” and how he’d “tap it”. With Eddie always wondering why those comments hurt. He was alike any other, a careless and free drunk 17 year old at a party.

Until things started to change.

It was the 6th of July. The losers club were sat in Bill Denbrough’s garden in little camping chairs, each giggling as they sipped cheap cider out of a can. Around them draped their sleeping bags across their laps to keep the cold out, although Eddie couldnt stop himself from shaking.

“You alright, Eddie?” Bev asked, taking a swig of her cider. “You look kind of cold.” She joked as she watched Eddie shiver violently.

“Yeah, I’m basically fucking vibrating. Who’s stupid idea was this?” He joked back. He glanced at Richie who was sat next to her who was happily chatting away to Ben, already drunk from the two cans he had. Bev smiled at him sadly.

Bill didn’t answer and instead stood up, grabbing Stan’s hand who was closely sat in a chair next to him, “I’m g-going inside to get m-more drinks. Anybody c-coming?”

Bill’s stutter was almost gone now. After Stan had finally grown the balls to tell Bill how he felt, Bill finally felt more at ease with himself. Slowly, with a speech therapists and Stan’s help, his stutter was getting better.

Everybody just stood up in response to Bill’s question and followed him inside. Eddie, who was probably past the point of tipsy, took a moment before standing up to follow the others.

“Heya, Eds!” Richie yelled before Eddie went inside. Eddie turned around to face Richie, shivering even more now without the warmth of his sleeping bag on top of him.

Richie adjusted his glasses before bursting into a fit of giggles as Eddie hesdently walked back over to where Richie was sitting.

“Yeah?” Eddie asked in response. It came out more eager than he intended, but Richie was already pretty drunk so he didn’t pick it up.

“Come ‘ere, little cold one.” Richie was now stood up, his body in the unzipped sleeping bag and holding out his arm for Eddie to come underneath. Eddie, who was now back to his vibrating-from-the-cold state rushed underneath and cuddled into Richie’s side, slilently thanking him.

Although they weren’t the closest in the group, Eddie still felt safe with Richie. And he felt his heart drop when Richie’s arms pulled around Eddie and cuddled him while they both stood up in the dark garden. They stayed there for a few minutes, not saying a word.

Eddie could feel his heart beating out of his chest.

The others started to come back and Richie immediately dropped his arms from Eddie and sat back down, whilst Eddie moved over to his chair.

Eddie’s heart was still thumping and he didn’t know why. His head was spinning but he blamed it on the drink. It was odd for Richie to do that, but he was pretty drunk, he told himself.

He made eye contact with Bev while the thought of Richie’s arms rushed through his brain.

Bev just gave him a sad smile.

-

The next incident happened around a week later. Eddie had found himself thinking about Richie’s arms around his waist for a full week now, and it was driving him mad.

The worst part was he knew it meant absolutely nothing to Richie, even worse Eddie was starting to worry it meant something to him.

He knew Richie was just a touchy feely person and he was just being kind to warm up Eddie. He knew Richie was always louder and more affectionate when he was drunk. Yet Eddie didn’t seem to care.

He knew he was fucked.

Now a week from the “sleeping bag incident”, as Eddie called it, the losers were at Aria Mitchell’s party, surrounded by even drunker teens.

Eddie found his (already) drunken state of mind wandering to Richie, who he’d lost about an hour into the party when he stated he needed to piss. Mike was with him, probably the only one sober enough to function normally; and was chatting to Hanna, who Eddie recognised from his English class.

‘He’s preoccupied,’ Eddie thought, trying to find excuses to go on a madman hunt for Richie. ‘He won’t notice I’m gone anyways’

Eddie felt pathetic, in a way. All it had taken was one stupid, three minute hug in Bill’s dark garden for Eddie to fall so fast. Deep down he knew that the little moment meant absolutely nothing. He shoved down and ignored the reminder of how quickly Richie had pushed Eddie away when the others came and sat down, like nothing had happened at all.

Eddie pushed through all his classmates found himself in the kitchen. Running a hand through his curly hair, he sighed as he saw the kitchen filled with people who weren’t Richie.

“Well if it isn’t ol- ah fuck me!”

Eddie turned around quickly to find Richie behind him with cider poured down the front of him. He looked up at Eddie with a grin, starting to laugh softly. Eddie could’ve died.

“Spilt it.” Richie mumbled, still laughing to himself.

Eddie shook his head, a small smile appearing on his face, “How drunk are you, dipshit?” Eddie asked him, placing a friendly hand on Richie’s shoulder.

Friendly. Richie would think it’s friendly.

On that thought, before Richie could even respond, Eddie gripped his can full of cider not yet touched and downed as much as he could.

Richie smiled, yet it seemed slightly forced, “Woah Ed’s,” he said, placing a small hand on Eddie’s arm. “Calm down or you’ll be as bad as me!”

Eddie just ignored his comment and finished his can. When he’d drunk all of it and felt finally satisfied with himself, he placed it onto a kitchen counter next to him and grabbed Richie’s hand.

“Eddie, what’s you doin’?” Richie asked, holding Eddie’s hand very loosely. Eddie led Richie to a sofa and placed himself down next to some randoms, while chucking Richie next to him. Eddie placed his head on Richie’s shoulder and grasped his hand tighter.

He didn’t know where the sudden confidence had come from. All damn week things had been the exact same between him and Richie, causal comments, normal banter, just normal friends. But now Eddie wanted to feel it again. That feeling he felt when Richie put his arms around him.

He’d almost convinced himself Richie liked him back. He’d let his mind run wild and emotions get the better of him. He shouldn’t have been surprised or hurt when Richie awkwardly moved away slightly.

“You must be really drunk,” Richie replied. “How much have you drunk, dipshit?”

It was only then Eddie realised how uncomfortable Richie looked, and how loosely he was holding Eddie’s hand. It was only then Eddie realised maybe it was just in his head, and Richie wasn’t as drunk as he thought.

“So are you!” Eddie argued back almost jokingly, yet Richie didn’t laugh or agree.

Richie shook his head, pressing his lips into a small line, “Nah, only a clumsy little shit.”

Eddie moved his head from Richie’s and could feel his heart physically drop. He knew he just had to play off his feelings by pretending to be drunk, so he just nodded. He removed his hand from Richie’s and placed his hand in his lap. It was like he sobered up immediately.

“Maybe I’ll get Mike to drop me home. Sorry, uh, Rich,” Eddie said. Richie didn’t seem fazed yet Eddie still felt embarrassed and so damn stupid. “I’ll see you Monday.”

Eddie found Mike, who was still where he last was, and quietly asked to go home. Mike being the best friend he was quickly agreed, and Eddie was back in his room in twenty minutes.

He felt stupid thinking Richie could’ve liked him like that. Maybe now that he knew Richie didn’t like him, the feelings would go away.

It was just a stupid three minute hug.

Eddie didn’t get a wink of sleep that night.

-

Eddie told himself he was over it.

He told himself he was over it because of Oli.

Oli; the most bland yet cocky guy he had ever met. Eddie had found himself making out with him at a party for a few hours a couple days ago, completely aware that Richie was sat across from him.

“That’s a big grin.” Bev commented, sitting down next to Eddie on the sofa where the losers were busy watching Titanic (Stans choice)

Eddie looked up, previously engrossed in his phone, “huh?” He muttered.

Bev leaned over Eddie to glance at his phone, “Oli, isn’t it?” She asked.

“Eddie’s new piece of eye candy.” Stan chirped in, smiling fondly at Eddie.

Eddie switched off his phone and tossed it to his side, “Yeah.” He faked a laugh. “I guess so.”

“How’s things going with you both?” Ben asked him softly. “He seems nice.”

Richie, who had been adnormally quiet suddenly spoke up, “What’s the big deal with this guy anyways? He had the face like the back of a bus-“

“-what Richie means to say, is that we’re happy for you.” Stan told him, glaring at Richie who was now staring at his hands quietly. It was odd to see Richie so...detached and not his loud, obnoxious self.

“Thanks,” Eddie responded, tearing his eyes away from Richie. “He uh, he actually asked me out for this Saturday.”

“T-that’s great!” Bill chirped.

Eddie nodded with a fake smile still plastered on his face, “Yep. To a party. So I was wondering, of course you don’t have to, but maybe if you would all come too? Like, just in case something goes wrong I don’t know.” He stammered out.

Really, Eddie only wanted Richie there. Really, Eddie wanted to pretend he was going to this party with Richie, as his date. And not stupid, boring, self-obsessed Oli.

“Of course!” Bev almost yelled, patting Eddie on the shoulder. “We’ll be your wingmen and wingwoman!” She pointed at herself, winking at Eddie. “Right, guys?”

They all nodded in agreement, apart from Richie, who was still staring down at his hands in his lap.

Eddie couldn’t take his eyes off the way Richie’s freckles shone in the sunlight coming through the window.

“Rich?” Eddie asked. “Would you come?”

Richie looked up at Eddie almost startled, before adjusting his glasses, “I would fellas,” he started, seemingly slipping back into his usual self. “But I’ve got a long night of fucking your mum next Saturday.”

Ah yes, there he was.

“Oh hush baby Jane,” Bev shook her head. “You’re going. We all are! Ready to assist Eddie to get some.”

“Are you sure you even want to go?” Ben asked Eddie almost hestinately. “You don’t seem sure. Don’t feel committed if you don’t want to. It’s not a crime.”

Bill nodded, “Y-yeah. It’s not like y-you’re even dating h-him.” He added.

Eddie looked back up at Richie who had seemed to slip back into his quiet state. There’s no chance, he thought. I might as well take this chance while it’s here.

“Yes,” Eddie started. “I’m sure.”

Luckily, that was the end of the discussion as Stan broke out into some facts about the Titanic. Eddie wasn’t intrested though, his mind too pre-occupied on what seemed to be troubling Richie.

Ben scooted over closer to Eddie and whispered in a hushed voice, “Are you alright?”

Eddie just nodded and turned his attention back to the movie.

Ben gave him a sad smile.

-

Next Saturday came faster than expected, and Eddie found himself alongside the other losers, and Oli (who Eddie was sure he actually very much hated at this point), in a crowded house.

Luckily enough for Eddie, Oli had gone to the toilet, so Eddie could finally have some time with Richie. Well, he was aware that he would only be a few minutes - but secretly he was hoping that him and Richie could slip off and Oli wouldn’t be able to find them for a bit. That’s how he wanted it. Just him and Richie.

Eddie knew how stupid he was being now; why not just tell Richie how he felt? But that thought, everytime, was gone as fast as it came when he saw Richie’s blank stares at Eddie. Richie didn’t feel the same and Eddie knew he had to be okay with that.

Besides, he would much rather be Richie’s friend, than nothing at all.

Richie, who was currently talking to Bev, was drunk out of his mind already. He must have pre-drinked or something, because Eddie was already debating dragging him home and chucking him in his bed. (Without Eddie, to Eddie’s dismay)

“Rich,” Eddie started. Richie turned round to face Eddie and his eyes softened. “Seems like this has become a bit of a regular.”

“Loosen up Eds,” Richie giggled, ruffling Eddie’s hair making Eddie grumble. “That’s what a party’s for dipshit. And besides, I like seeing you drunk. You’re all loose and fun and cute,” Richie paused, his drunk words finally catching up with him. “And stuff.” He quickly added.

Oli came up behind Eddie, grasping his hand. Richie sent him a subtle glare.

“Hey Eddie. So what we talking about?” Oli asked. God, even his voice annoyed both Richie and Eddie. Every moment Eddie was here with him, he wished he hadn’t of said yes.

Richie shrugged, before staring down quickly at the floor. Eddie narrowed his eyes at him, a chance for Richie to talk and he doesn’t?! Something was definitely wrong.

Eddie took his eyes of Richie and quickly intervened, “um, just stuff. Do you want to go get me a drink please? I think there’s some spare ones in the kitchen?” He asked him nicely.

Oli just nodded before walking over to the kitchen.

“Listen, stupid, I know something is wrong and you need to tell me right now. We can leave if you want while Oli’s gone?” Eddie proposed.

Richie just shook his head, grip tightening around his drink, “No, Ed’s, that’s fine. I’m just drunk thas’ all. Tired and all that.”

“We only just got here, Richie.” Bev chirped in. “You’re losing your touch.”

Richie just shrugged again, taking a sip from his drink whilst looking away from Eddie. Drunk or not, Eddie needed an answer. Mostly, Eddie was desperate for an answer to whether he had a chance with Richie. Whether to end this whole mess of a thing with Oli now.

Was he only kidding himself?

Eddie grabbed Richie’s spare hand and dragged him away, “We’ll be back!” He shouted. Bev, Ben and Mike nodded, while Bill and Stan were too busy with eachother to even notice what was going on.

“Whoa steady Eddie,” Richie laughed at the rhyme, but Eddie could sense an uncomfortable nature behind it. Why had Richie suddenly become so uncomfortable?

“Rich,” Eddie started after pulling Richie into an empty, what looked like, laundary room. Wow, guess this person’s house was loaded with money. “I know something is going on. I’m not gonna judge you for it but, if I’ve done something wrong, you just need to tell me.” He said.

“Done something wrong?”

“Yeah, you’ve been really off with me. Why? What did I do you?”

Richie sighed, frustrated, “Nothing, Eddie,” he said, trying to push past him. Eddie stopped him and grabbed his arm. “Leave it alone will you?”

“No!” Eddie cried. “We’re supposed to be friends! Whatever is going on, you can tell me!”

“Fine!” Richie yelled. “I’m fucking jealous! All it ever is these days is ‘Oli! Oli! Oli!’ And I’m fucking tired of it!”

Eddie stepped back slightly hurt, “What? Are you fucking serious? I’ve only mentioned him, what, once? Twice? I only met him last week you dipshit!”

“I don’t care! I want it to be me!”

There was a silence, as Richie’s words caught up with the two boys. Richie stared down to the floor in embarrassment.

“Want what to be you?” Eddie asked him, this time, softer. His heart was beating so fast and his head was swirling with thoughts, did Richie mean it like he said it?

“Fuck, Eds-“

“Want what Richie? Please tell me.” Eddie pressed. Richie still did not meet his eye contact.

Richie took a deep breath, “I wanted to be like Oli. Well not like him, he’s a knob. I mean, I wanted to be the,” Richie scoffed. “I wanted to be the guy you were kissing. I dunno, I guess I like you and all.”

Eddie stood there in shock, a small smile creeping up on his face, “why’d you never tell me?”

“Didn’t want to be rejected obviously. Plus, even if I tried some shitty insult would come out instead. Feelings and shit are not my favourite things to talk about. You know that.” Richie responded.

Eddie grabbed Richie’s hand, “well maybe we can talk about it.” He responded. The two boys smiled at each other.

“I wanted it to be you as well.”

[unravelling-the-world]

random thoughts related to kagepro (tw for depression?? death?? suicide ?? implied ?? im not sure and idk what else read at ur own risk)

well idk lately ive been thinking a lot and ik ive uh always (? since i can remember?) have been depressed (i mean...it started around age 12...i dont really remember much before that. most of what i remember are bad moments anyways. or very specific scenes. but they dont feel mine. if that makes sense. its like remembering the scene from a movie.  back on track i guess idk well lately ive realized i actually kin some characters and lately ive...been relating a lot to shintaro kisaragi fromkagepro. i mean its ok. there´s always been that specific similarity in us (after all, how many characters in anime are as related to coca cola as shintaro //and me,,im literally a coca cola addict lmao// well anyways. after some days, this lead me to thinking...to a hidden memory within my brain, i guess. I remember introducing my then best friends, to kagepro. one told me haha he´s like u bc the coca cola!! and i think i just laughed and smiled? i truly didn´t see it? i was sad sure, but i couldnt really relate to him. after all, i was the leader of my own little group of 12 year old weebs,right? (i was also 12 btw) i didnt personally dislike shintaro but i didnt rly see myself in him yknow? also i have loved ayano from ever since i have memory so idk like she´s one of my biggest comfort characters and its weird bc if she was ´´real´´ idk if i could date her or anything but im just glad she exists bc it somehow comforts me a lot yeah anyways ayano essay for another time lol. anyways at this age my favorite characters in kagepro were ayano and konoha ( i still love them a lot) thing is, at this point in my life i didnt know/wasnt aware i was transgender but i already kinda liked he/him pronouns so i roleplayed a lot. online. i roleplayed as konoha obviously lmao and actually one of my irl friends related to shintaro ?? and i think we may have roleplayed lmao and stuff.... she even had a facebook account named shin hikkikomori or smth like that. anyways fast forward bc after being 12 a lot of stuff happened obviously. and none of that relates to kagepro until quite some time. i will mention some items that dont really relate to kagepro but marked moments in my friend group that may be relevant later on. Around 2016)? Some of my closest friends changed schools (but we kept contact) yet i still had a big group at school. But it got fragmented along the way. 2017 i went to Japan and formed a new, different friend group with people that even today, are dear to me. When i came back, my friend group fragmented more. I kept contact with other members of the old group but one on one, not as a group anymore. 2018 we graduated, and i broke up my realtionship with one of my former best friends (2016-2018) 2019 was a year of change, and even though i was afraid and shit got weird, i was not doing too bad. i will skip that. Well. Im sure we all know 2020 was a trainwreck, shit happened. i had a villain arc. I lost my shit,definetely. Ups, downs, whatever. 2021 has not been too different. However, even through everything, in early 2020, i kept close relationships with my friend group. as the year moved forward and the restrictions started lifting ( thank you government very cool <3 //ironically obviously, this is the reason this shit wont go away//) some of my friends saw each other irl and stuff, or talked about stuff i didn´t understand/didn´t want to hear while on discord. I felt alienated. I felt empty. I got mad at a friend for the first time, for something he said. I ended up isolating myself. A friend celebrated her birthday. She invited me and never excluded me, asked me a lot of things and asked to virtually include me. But that would just make me feel more alienated, wouldn´t it? I told her it was ok, i didn´t go. Honestly, I felt like a bother. I didn´t want to bother. I wasn´t okay, but i didn´t want to bother anyone, so i isolated myself. I had a very bad breakdown. lasted weeks. When I recovered, it wasn´t the same. It felt like everyone else was closer, while i drifted away. I kind of recconected with some of my friends from Japan after this. In the vacations, i felt like i reconnected with some friends just to drift away again later. However, i never could reconnect with one of my best friends. She never really got mad at me or anything ( i think) but we don´t really talk much anymore. We used to talk daily, be it actual talking, memes, anything. I don´t think we´ve actually talked in weeks. There´s nothing I can do. This year, another friend had a birthday, but I was so disconnected from everyone I didn´t even care. I mean. It´s all broken now, isn´t it? The other day I just started wondering. When did I start relating to Shintaro so much? I had always been like this, hadn´t I? Who am I, actually? Why do I relate so much now? It´s not just about the soda. I had lost friends before, but I never really felt like that. Sometimes I feel like I´ve lost everyone. In a one year span I became a hikkikomori. About a month ago, when I entered classes, I was recognized as Shintaro pfp and I admitted to kinning him to people i´d never talked to before (on chat) // I decided to go apeshit idc anymore about what anyone thinks of me// I had fun. I think I must´ve posted on my stories, because two different people told me they were the ene to my shintaro. I appreciated it. i mean it´s kinda true bc now that i´m only on the pc they do bother me online and try to get me to open up or get better but sometimes the just annoy me lmao but also not bc they all have their own particular lives and they all seem to be doing better than me. Still, my classmates are very nice and inclusive. But it´s not like im close to any of them I guess. I´m just alone now. I´m fucked up man....I don´t feel real anymore. I don´t really know who I am. I guess that´s why I find comfort in seeing a part of myself in Shintaro? But when did i turn out like this? Why didn´t I relate when I was younger? Well, I hadn´t really lost any friends back then. I now know how painful that is. How lonely it is to be alone even when there is people around. idk. and i´ve always been quiet. introverted. shy. a loser. yet now whenever i meet anyone i try to idk connect? but i cant. i wish i could be more evil. maybe it´d just be easier if everyone really, truly hated me. maybe i´d get the strength to actually kill myself then. it´s weird. i really see myself in route xx shintaro. I know that´s fucked up because I know how it ends. but truly, i was trying. I was healing, i think i was going somewhere. and i was trying to keep my newly formed renovated friend group together. I really was trying to. I didn´t mind if we had sub groups on the big group, but we were all there for each other. I tried my best. I felt like i belonged. but now im alone again. and this time there´s nothing i can do. if something, i´ve made it worse. and i keep making it worse. it´s weird. when i first got into kagepro, both shintaro and ayano felt like adults. i thought they were really, really big. im older than them now. now i know theyre not really adults. i get it. i still feel 18. after all, these last two years have been taken away from me. i didnt waste them myself this time.  i feel like a rotten 18 year old...when i listen to lost time memory, i just...get it. i always liked the song. i thought the story was so cool. when it first came out.. i still remember. iwas there. i waited for it. i loved it. i still do, but back then, i just saw it all as some really great and cool song. now i feel like i really, really get it. i love it even more. im hiding away in all my memories. but what is my true heart? what do i really want? i don´t know, i don´t know... If I'm 'wise' then, I can't face forward; I have no reason to so, I'll rot away instead It would be nice if time could be turned back. Years may pass but I'll never die I repeat hopeful words to myself, even though I know I still won't be able to reach you. "It doesn't matter, just die already!" I said as I clutched my wrist, simply cursing it. Unable to do anything, I merely indulged myself in life. "If summer can show me dreams, then let's go to before you were taken away" The days where I hid my embarrassment are illuminating upon the atmosphere and burning my mind. If I'm wishing for a dream that can't come true, then I'll embrace this blurry past and have a dream which I don't wake up from and naturally seclude myself from the outside world. "But that means you can't even see tomorrow?" I don't really care 'bout that, so it's ok I stained my hands in order to kill these boring days I'm choosing "solitude" after all A rotten boy at 18 today too, prayed again while clinging on to your colored smile Underneath the blazing sun Asking "Somehow, please take me away instead of leaving like this!" and my murmuring breath was quietly stopped

I guess i just wish someone could actually help me. take me out of this hole. Maybe some kind of closure would be nice. It´s not the same, though. I don´t have enough bravery in myself to actually kill myself. Mostly because of guilt. I can´t take the guilt of dissapointing everyone. I don´t want my parents to get hurt. I don´t want my bunny to miss me. Yet i wish everyday for it to be over. Lately, half of my dreams have been in Japan, with many friends, some who i met there, some who have never been there. Yet my brain shows me the dreams before it was all taken away. I think one of my favorite parts of the day is dreaming. I like to sleep simply because I dream. And i sleep very few. mayb bc i hate myself? I still barely indulge in life. I do anything to stay distracted. If i think, it all goes to shit. it all does. like now. Heh. it´s funny. I guess no one is truly my ene, because no one actually knows how mentally fucked up i got these past months. No one knows how badly i´ve been treating myself and how badly i´ve been doing. Still, i can´t tell anyone but scream it into the tumblr void. No one has to keep up with my shit. No one has to take care of me. After all, it was I who chose solitude. It was me who kept them away. But I don´t get a second choice. I don´t get a change of routes if things go sour. And i guess I don´t get to get a mentally fucked up friend group where I belong for a second time. Once was good enough, wasn´t it? I.. Even when I wasnt as deep as i am now (again) into kagepro, ive always wanted to die on August 15. It holds meaning to me now as well. Every year I used to ask people to go out with me that day. I know im not brave enough to kill myself. I always hoped for a lil miracle i guess. Last year was the first year...I didn´t do anything. I just... I just hope this year i can make it. I hope the miracle happens this year....I can only hope......its too late for me to be saved, isn´t it? I never thought it´d be like this. I don´t get closure. I don´t get goodbyes. I am left behind on a world that keeps moving. I am nothing.

[whitegirlconfessions]

My first time (Blacked)

(Disclaimer: Names have been changed to protect the naughty)

They always say you will remember your firsts. Your first kiss, your first date, your first boyfriend, your first time. What they never tell you is you’ll always remember the first time you were blacked. Nobody prepared me for this. Nobody warned me of the long lasting effects from it. In fact, I was always told that it was something that should never be done. Before I get into my first time. Let me give you some background about myself.

I was born in a small Southern town. Like in most southern states, there were plenty of black people around. Some nice people, some..not so much. When you’re young you don’t see thing in certain ways. As you get older though things become clearer.  I was a good girl growing up. My parents southern princess. A cute dirty blonde haired girl that loved dresses, boots, horses, camping and being outdoors. All my friends were white in school. Its not that I was racist, I didn’t know what racism really was. It just seemed that I had more in common with white kids. I was a Southern Baptist, showed up early for Sunday school. Everyone in our church was white, most of the people my age were fellow classmates at my school. We just all blended well. There were quite a few black kids in my school. I wasn’t mean or rude to them. Id talk, laugh, cut up and be friendly but we just weren’t friends. Why? I don’t know. Nothing was wrong with any of them. They were really nice kids. Not trouble makers or thugs. Fast forwarding as I grew up my looks and body developed more and I started getting more attention from guys both white and black guys. I never dated a black guy before. My parents would lose their lid. My parents are good people. They will do anything for you, regardless of color. Ive seen them help white people, hispanic people and yes even black people in times of needs. However there was just something that made them say no when it came to their white daughter. The “N word” was dropped a few times in my house by my parents. It never seemed to be directed towards any certain individual but maybe seeing something on TV would spark the reaction. I have to admit, I have said the word myself. So with all the attraction of course I dated a few boys throughout Jr High and into high school. All of this is really irrelevant because I know what you’re all reading for. So lets just jump ahead....

The night it happened I had been dating my boyfriend at the time (Tommy) for about 7 months. He was truly a nice guy but also still a hormone filled teenage boy. He was 17 and I was 16. I had had sex with 2 other boys previously. Tommy knew, maybe thats why he liked me...maybe not..I dont really know. He never made any hints or advancements about sex until about 6 months into dating. I liked Tommy. He was a really cute boy and came from a really great family but I had felt so heart broken after being with the past two boys that I was just scared to be with anyone again. Tommy started to get more persistent about getting together and I just had to keep telling him no. 

One Friday night after a football game we were invited over to a classmates house. Their parents were out of town for the weekend so they were going to throw a little party. Tommy & I showed up a little later then everyone else. After the game we stopped and had a late dinner and then made phone calls giving our parents excuses as to why we wouldn’t be home. I had changed from my jeans into a skirt & heels that I had hidden in Tommy’s car (I liked to dress mature for dates but my parents usually made me change before going out so we had to hide clothes for me to wear haha). While at the party Tommy brought up now would be a good time for us to hook up for the first time. We had a way to be alone and could slip away easily into one of the bedrooms. I still stood firm on my stance. I “loved” Tommy but I just didnt want to do that again. We got into a little argument and just decided to walk away from each other for a little bit. He went to hang out with some of his friends and I went with some of mine. After a little while Tommy approached me again and asked me to go upstairs with him. I asked him why and he said “because I want you...everyone else you’ve dated has had you...I want you too”....I was stunned when he said this. At the time he said this I didnt know if he meant it the way I was taking it. Did my boyfriend just call me a whore? Taken aback I tried to explain to him that I wanted to be with him and I didnt care about the other guys any more but I just wasnt ready yet. The time will come and when it does he will be the first one to know and that it will all be worth the wait. Then he said something that broke my heart. “You’ll spread your legs for everyone else but seem to have no problems keeping them closed for a guy who’s good to you.” As the tears started to roll down my cheeks, he just walked away from me and eventually left the party. I was totally crushed as I tried to casually find my way to somewhere private where I could crawl up in a ball and just die. 

I ended up in one of the bedrooms closets. It was a small walk in but private enough where I would be alone. I guess my sobbing was louder then I expected as I was heard from the hallway by another boy from school. Marcus was 18, a senior. Tall athletic type. He wasnt a typical jock. He was a really nice guy to everyone and was a really good student. He was the type of guy who you wanted to take home to your parents....if your parents were ok with you bringing home a black guy. Marcus found me sitting in the floor and sat down with me. He asked me what was wrong and after telling him I didnt want to talk about it he eventually broke me and I reluctantly started telling him the story. I knew who Marcus was but I probably havent said 5 words to him in school. Seniors just never seemed to talk much to underclassmen. After telling him everything, Marcus slid over closer to me and put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer against him. He told me there’s nothing he could say or do to make me feel better but it never hurts to just have someone there while you cried. I leaned against his shoulder/chest for what seemed like forever crying and crying until i couldnt breath. Once my tears dried up a bit Marcus started joking with me and making me laugh. It was a nice feeling going from my world crashing to being able to laugh. As I leaned up to wipe the rest of the tears away I made the comment about looking like a raccoon from my make up. Marcus reached over wiping around my eyes cleaning them up the best he could with his thumb and looked me in the eyes and told me that I was beautiful. My heart fluttered. I just went from a boy I loved telling me I was a whore to a guy I barely knew telling me I was beautiful. The compliments he gave me were so flattering. I couldnt believe this handsome black athlete was spending his party time in a closet with a crying wreck of a white girl. I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek and told him thank you for everything tonight. I left the closet to go find Tommy and eventually discovered he had left. This night was just getting better. My bf calls me a whore and then leaves me at a party with no ride. I was ready to go home but nobody else was leaving and I didnt want to make anyone else take me. After walking around for a bit I decided I just wanted to be alone and I would just go back to that closet and crash until morning. I went back upstairs and opened the closet door. When I did Marcus was still sitting in the floor. I looked at him confused and he smiled and looked up at me. I asked him laughing why he was still sitting in the closet alone. He smiled and told me that it still smelled like me and he liked the way I smelled. I cant describe what it was I felt but I just knelt down beside him, leaned in with my hand on his face and kissed him on the lips. I couldnt believe it as it was happening but I was kissing my first black guy. I had never had any desires to do this before but this guy was treating me how I wanted my boyfriend to treat me. I felt Marcus hands move to my waist as he pulled me away. He looked up and asked me why I did that. I told him because I wanted to and I leaned back in and kissed him again. He again broke my kiss. He smiled at me and gave me more compliments but told me that if I wasnt ready to sleep with my boyfriend then why was I coming on to him. His hands never left my hips as I could feel his fingers reluctantly squeezing my body. I smiled at him and told him that sex with Tommy is suppose to be meaningful. I wanted it to be special and important. He gave me a laugh and asked, “so whats sex with me suppose to be?”...After a brief pause and gave him a smile and said “fun?”.... Looking back I it doesnt make sense why you would have meaningless sex with a guy you dont really know but wont with your boyfriend but when your emotions are a wreck. You make decisions you could regret later on. This wasnt one of them.

Marcus pulled me on top of him as I positioned myself and straddled his lap. His hands explored my body as I kissed him almost lovingly. Each time his fingers found a new spot he would squeeze my body and I would moan into his mouth. My skirt was hiked up and bunched around my hips so I could straddle him. My thong still tucked tightly up my ass. His hands moved up to take my shirt. Breaking our kiss just long enough for my top to go over my head before our lips were together again. I was almost a C cup at 16 so I had a nice chest on me. As our kiss grew longer I felt his hands run slowly up my back and with ease my bra was unclasped. I had to laugh to myself in my head. All the boys that have struggled taking my bra off and this guy just did it with ease. Like he knew his way around the female body. 

He pushed me away a bit as my perky young breasts were freed. He leaned in with his mouth and began sucking gently on my nipples. His hands were all over my body and his mouth was sucking and licking on my nipples. He made them so hard and erect. I was getting so turned on. I looked down and saw his dark lips on my white breasts and a fire was turned on inside of me. Before switching to my other nipple I took the break to reach down and help him out of his shirt...oh my God this man was an adonis. He wasnt like overly huge and muscular but he was just toned and fit. He smiled at me as I ran my fingers over his chest and arms. He was such a specimen. My fingers traced along his body as they rippled over his abs. He laughed as I smiled and asked me what was wrong? I shook my head and told him I had never been with a boy like him before. He laughed and asked “you mean fit?” and I nodded replying “yes....and black”. I reached down and started to undo his belt and he grabbed my hands to stop me. I looked at him confused as he smiled and said “you first”. I quickly got to my feet, pushing my bunched up skirt down my legs. I could see his eyes all over me and they locked right to the lace of my thong. My fingers hooked the waist as I slowly pulled them down before stepping out of them. Standing naked in front of Marcus he took me in as he brought me back down on the floor with him. Laying me on my back as he moved to my feet, looking down at me smiling. I couldnt believe what I was doing but my legs parted for him, exposing myself t him. Sure I had sex before, 2 guys maybe 5 times total...but I still had a great looking tight little pussy. Not to brag but I knew what was between my legs was something special when I heard Marcus let out a sigh of pleasure. He started to lean down between my thighs but my hand stopped him. Not yet I told him as I raised up and my hands found his belt. Pulling it loose as I looked up at him smiling. A smirk on his face as he said “You really never been with a black guy?”.....I smiled shaking my head and told him no as I unfastened his jeans, unzipping the fly and slipping my hand inside. 

As soon as my fingers felt it my head snapped up and looked at him. “OH FUCK” I said as he started to laugh. I pulled and pulled until this thick piece of meat was hanging out of the fly of his jeans. I stared in awe at the size of this thing. Dont get me wrong, he wasnt a porn start but semi hard he was already bigger then all my boyfriends..including Tommy. What absolutely amazed me was the thickness of this thing. I wrapped my fingers around it to give it a gentle tug and my fingers wouldnt even touch. He worked his jeans off as he stayed on his knees. I completely forgot about him wanting to go down on me as I adjusted myself onto my hands and knees and leaned down and wrapped my lips around him. I felt his cock start to grow as my tongue made contact with it. His hand found its way to the back of my head. Pulling my dirty blonde hair back from my face as he let out a moan. My lips started moved up and down his long thick black cock. Each time I went down he would let out a moan. I had never given a blowjob with my eyes open before, I know that might sound strange however I couldnt not look and watch. I loved seeing my pink lips slide down his black shaft. Every time I watched it disappear into my mouth I could feel him throb as well as feel my panties soaking wet and clinging to me. My head bobbed slow...and then fast. Working as much of his cock as I could. Id twist my mouth around and get a glimpse of his big, low hanging balls. Ive always heard the racist terms describing black men. Greasy, smelly whatever....but none of them ever described this. This was heaven...this was DELICIOUS! I bobbed my head faster, making sure my tongue found that thick vein on his underside. I worked his cock lovingly. I could feel him throbbing inside my mouth. Each slurp made his swinging balls tighter and tighter. When his balls stopped swinging and hanging and that sack was nice and tight...I knew he was ready. My mouth slide up around the head as i sucked just the head nice and slow. I felt his fingers tightly grip on my head and heard him say I was about to make him cum. Without warning I felt that hot black shoot from his cock and onto the top of my mouth. Then another and another. His cock throbbed each time he shot a load into my mouth. My mouth quickly filled and I started swallowing his thick load. He was just like I imagined. His cum was delicious. He tasted amazing. Was his because he was black? Was it his diet? Who cares!?!  I wanted to feed from his love pipe for the rest of my life!

I finished him off, or so I thought in my mouth and raised up onto my knees with him. Smiling as I wiped his mouth getting his approval. I told him that was the most delicious blowjob Ive ever given. I told him I hated swallowing because it just taste so salty but he tasted so good. Thats when I realized I had ruined this whole thing. I made him cum and cum hard and a lot. I apologized telling him I was sorry. He was confused asking me what i was apologizing for. I said “I know you wanted to have sex with me but I made you cum”....he laughed and said “so?” I never had anyone cum before and could still keep going but before I could explain that I thought we were finished I looked down and his saliva shined black cock was still rock hard, sticking out towards me with a long string of cum dangling from the head. Seeing him ready for me again I felt like the odds were against me. You dont have a condom do you? I never bought condoms before. I always left it up for the guy but I dont think he was planning on having sex tonight. He shook his head and told me no, asking if he really needed one. I looked down at his cock. I had never been taken bareback before. Mainly because I wasnt on birth control but I wanted this. I shook my head no and began to turn around on my hands and knees. Positioning myself for him as I looked back over my shoulder and told him to not cum inside of me. He positioned himself behind me, smiling as he slapping his cock against my wet pussy lips. I waited for him to agree but he never did. Instead he slid his cock nice and slow into me. Parting my tight pussy lips his thick black cock suck into me like perfection. Its like his cock was perfectly sculpted to fit inside of my white pussy.

I felt his hand slide around my hips. His fingers hooked my hip bones as he began to pull me back to him while thrusting forward. My head sank into my hands as I leaned on my elbows. It was long before my moans were loudly filling the closet. Marcus wasnt like any other boy I had been with before. Not just physically either. Marcus knew what he was doing and my body responded. With each thrust, each squeeze. Everything he did my body reacted to. If there was a pace that needed to be set, he set it. If there was a spot that needed to be hit, he hit it. Before I knew it a screaming groan filled the closet as I exploded all over him. My God this guy made me cum in the matter of minutes. Im so use to the poor stroke game of white boys that I have to play with my clit and hope I get off before they do. Here I am cumming like never before on this black guys cock and he just tightens his grip and fucks me through it. One of his hands found its way to my long dirty blonde hair. Wrapping it around his fist as he pulled my head back and fucked me harder. “How do you like it?” he asked me. I told him I loved it...He smacked my ass hard and said “no, how do you like to be fucked?”.....I never had anyone ask me that before. Sex was always so vanilla and boring. Suck his dick till its hard, lay back, spread legs and lay there till he cums. His hand again came across my ass. He wanted an answer. The only thing I could think of was Tommy calling me a whore. I blurted back out to him, “fuck me like a whore” ....his hand again smacked my ass “fuck you like Tommys whore?” he asked...my pussy was throbbing I was going to cum again on his cock. “Im your whore...fuck me like Im your whore”

He pushed my head down into a pile of clothes in the floor. Forcing my back into the “perfect arch”...He held my head down and pounded my tight little pussy from behind until my legs started shaking and I exploded again cumming all over his cock. Squealing with pleasure, never having a 2nd orgasm before in my life. His cock just keep pumping my pussy. With each thrust I could feel my juices running down my thighs. i adjusted my head the best I could to look back under me and between my legs. My thighs were slick and shiny. Every time his cock thrust in you could see a stream of pussy juice run down my legs. My pussy had room for only one thing...Marcus. I watched in awe and ecstasy as his cock thrust in and out of my pussy. His balls slapping up onto my clit. He was easily twice the size of the two boys I had been with and I was able to take every inch of him. 

It wasnt long before I was cumming for a third time. I had never cum 3 times in a night...I dont think I had cum 3 times in 3 days before. He was fucking me like a whore and I was loving it. Ive never cum so hard. Im pretty sure I had to bring eyes back as they were starting to roll in the back of my head. When I looked down again I could see his balls tightening again. I could still taste him in my mouth. He heard me tell him to pull out right? He’s going to get close and pull out and cum in my mouth again and I can swallow it once more. I felt his fingers digging deeper into me. His strokes long, deep and powerful but slowing down. I look at his balls again and they’re not moving. His sack is hugging them tight and I look back over my shoulder and see him looking at me, he’s there....and he’s not leaving. I cant stop him...I wont stop him...I dont want him to stop. I look him in the eyes...he’s ready and I tell him “cum inside me!” The room is filled with his groan, quickly followed by my moans as I feel his big black cock exploding inside of me. I can feel spurt after spurt inside me. He buries himself as deep as he can, using me to drain his balls. There wont be a 3rd round. He’s emptying his sack inside me. Im taking every drop. He pulls back and gives a few more thrusts releasing the last few drops. Finishing himself off inside of me. 

I crash to the floor on my stomach. He falls on top of me. His cock buried in my pussy as we both pant heavily gasping for breaths. Im in heaven. For meaningless sex nothing has ever felt better physically or emotionally then this. I feel his cock slowly retracting from me until he slides out. I feel him gush out of me. I filled...Im filled full! Marcus pulls my hair to the side, kissing me behind the ear and says “you’ll take care of that right?” Take care of it I think to myself, Im 16...you just shot the biggest load in the history of mankind into my pussy. Im not on birth control. Im going to get pregnant...with a BLACK baby. My parents will disown me. My church isnt going to let me back in the doors...Im ruined!....but my body nor mouth can connect the thoughts in my head. I simply nod and moan out “yes” to him. He uses my thigh to clean his cock, stands up dressing himself leaning down kissing me on the back of the head one final time and leaves me laying in the middle of the closet floor. I wasnt committed to black men just yet. This was my first. Are they all like this? If so then Tommy was right. I am a whore. Im a whore for black men.

I fell asleep in the floor. I woke up a mess. Pulling my thighs apart looked like a grilled cheese made with swiss chees...how’s that for an image? I found a towel in the nearby bathroom and wiped myself as clean as possible. I still had 2 problem. I needed a ride home....and I needed to take care of what Marcus just did. I texted Tommy and apologized for our fight. I told him i was wrong and he was right. Maybe I was a whore but if I was going to sleep with my other boyfriends then I should sleep with him too. I knew this is what he wanted to hear. I told him I was still at the party and didnt have a way home. If he would come get me, he could have me. I asked how much money he had on him and he asked if I wanted him to stop and get condoms first. I told him no, I wanted him to enjoy me like he should have. I was going to take him bare and let him cum inside of me....only if he promised to get the morning after pill for me. Without hesitation, Tommy agreed. Tommy picked me up about 45mins later. We went back to his parents house (who were gone). I told him how horny I was as he wasted no time getting me into his bedroom. His dick was so hard I didnt need to give him a blowjob to get him ready. Once my clothes were off he was 5 inches into me pounding away. This wasnt exciting me at all. This was awful. If it wasnt for Marcus still inside of me, my pussy would be as dry as sand right not for Tommy...But he loved it. Less then 10mins Tommy was done. Laying on his back gasping mumbling about how great it was. It was hard to pretend to have enjoyed it but I put on a good act until I got him dressed again and out the door. Tommy took me to the pharmacy and paid for my morning after pill. He watched me take it saying “I dont want to get you pregnant”...I couldnt help but to reply “I dont want you to get me pregnant either”....he didnt get it obviously. 

I learned so much in that 24 hours. I discovered Tommy was a complete tool, black men are amazing in bed...or closet floors. I also learned that you can easily sucker a white boy into doing anything for you with the promise of pussy.

I broke up with Tommy 3 days later. Im 18 now and Ive yet to have sex with a white boy since that day. Believe me, you all will soon learn all about my adventures!

[saintkimora]

well here is how my past 2 days went! they were both pretty bad lol

so yesterday my first class was orgo lab. it was better than last week but it still fucking sucked oh my godddddd the actual lab only took everyone maybe 90 minutes but we had to get an nmr for our products and we had to do it one by one and it took 12 minutes per person so even though i tried to take my time doing things really slow to keep myself occupied i still ended up w like 50 minutes of doing nothing! it was so boring 

and then there was the girl who set me up. so we did the nmr in this separate room in the basement and the chairperson for the chem dept was operating the machine. the girl who works at the lab station next to me is named julia and i thought we were friendly acquaintances since we ask each other for help sometimes. so i got down to the room to run my product through the nmr machine and there were a bunch of students there already waiting for their results and stuff and the chairperson was talking to one of them and didnt acknowledge me at all so i was about to go wait for him to finish talking then ask him what to do but julia who had literally just finished putting her thing in the machine came over to me

she was like “oh i can help you set your product up and show you how to put it in!” so i was like “wow thanks!” so she showed me and as i was trying to put it in the machine it wouldnt go in so i was like ????? and then i realized julia literally showed me the completely wrong way to do it!!!!!!!!!! the chairperson came over and he was like “whoa whoa whoa that is not how youre supposed to do it” and then he showed me how to do it correctly. now julia had literally just finished setting hers up so i find it highly unlikely that she made honest mistakes when showing me what to do! i think she did it on purpose to make me look bad. she embarrassed me in front of not only the chairperson but my peers as well and if it was my messy classmates i wouldnt mind but it was all the ones who are actually good at this stuff!! rip idk what she gained from that since the chairperson has no influence over my grade but still an iconic cutthroat move i guess! i just wish she did it to someone that wasnt me

also i overheard 2 of my classmates talking about her a little earlier and they were talking about how she tried to steal both of their spatulas! so this julia girl is just cracked overall which is better than her just having a personal vendetta against me i guess

also 2 good things happened in that lab at least! first of all in the pre lab lecture noor came and sat next to me instead of whoever she sat with last time! so that was nice bc i wasnt sitting by myself. and then during the lab i was pipetting something and federico (the REALLY cute guy) was up to that too so he came over and he was like “can i borrow your pipet when youre done” and i was like yeah so it was nice that he talked to me

then i had like 45 min before gsa so i texted danielle and we hung out until the meeting and then the actual meeting was so much fun! we played jeopardy w lgbtq related questions and we were making the teams danielle and i were on one team while the president was on the other and we beat his team BOTH times! it was literally iconic bc we were losing the first game at first but then i started getting all these questions right and danielle started getting them right too and then in the second game this other girl on our team started answering everything too so the 3 of us were an unstoppable trio and the president was so bitter

also that reminds me i recently found out at last weeks eboard meeting and then i got even more info from danielle that day. so apparently literally all the other minority-based clubs on campus hate us and wont work with us bc our president wore that make america great again hat so like...rip that sucks for us lol 

so yeah gsa was super fun then in orgo lecture i got there early to make sure those freaks didnt steal my seat again but other than that it was uneventful

then there was what happened today. sociology was boring psych was relatively fun but also uneventful. anatomy lecture was fun except for one thing. the prof needed someone to help demonstrate something and he chose this random guy from the second row instead of me! and like it had to be a guy bc what he did would be kinda weird if he did it to a girl and i was the only guy in the front row so it wouldve been common sense to choose me but instead he chose that random!!! it was s/t about kidney stones so he made the guy come up to the front of the class and he had him like lean forward on the front table w his back/ass to the prof and rest of the class and he was like showing where the kidneys are and where to hit them if youre testing for kidney stones so he put his hand flat on this guys back and then hit his hand (that way he wasnt literally slapping the student) and its like...if he chose me that wouldnt been so iconic bc he wouldve had me bent over that table and he wouldve been touching my back but instead he chose that other guy so that was where things started going downhill

then anatomy lab was where it got even worse. so it was just a review lab before next weeks practical so he lets all any of his lecture students who arent in his lab sit in just to get extra review. so the lab was so full w all these randoms which made me irritated and one of the people there was the seat stealing guy! he was w this other girl and they were there kinda early and i was watching and they were gonna sit but theres only enough seats for everyone in the class so if extra people come theres gonna be a shortage of chairs. so they were sitting down and the girl was like “actually maybe we should stand bc it wouldnt be fair to the people who are actually in his lab if we stole their seats” and the guy was like “who cares!” and sat in a seat i was just like hmmmm.... so i guess hes just like this all this time 

so then i was still waiting for lab (several of us including the prof were there extra early bc lecture ended early) and this one random girl was talking to the prof just about random things for like 10 minutes!! i was jealous like who tf is she? freak

so then the actual lab was boring it was just review but it was kinda nice at first bc the prof was waiting for the TA to make copies of something so he was literally just telling us jokes it was like a rupauls drag race stand up comedy challenge but it was ruined for me bc the seat stealing guy was literally kissing this profs ass the ENTIRE time and he does this in all the classes ive had w him but he was doing it like even more than usual and it was just annoying i wanted to tell him to shut up but all of my peers like him so if i do that im not gonna be able to make any friends in my classes bc ill be the villain

so then after he finished the review we were left to review some more on our own then just leave whenever we felt like it but he also put out a sign in sheet for attendance. so everyone went up to it at once and i dont like waiting in crowds like that so i was just sitting then when the crowd dissipated i went up to sign it and it was gone and i was like “wheres the sign in sheet?” and the prof called out to the ta to take it out so i could sign it (it was literally right there but it was under the TA’s stuff so i couldnt just take it out on my own lol) and the prof seemed kinda exasperated at me asking and it upset me bc like its not like i waited until the last minute of lab to sign in?? like idk why they put it away so fast 

then most of the people left so i was at my table alone and there was one other table w like 4 people including the girl the prof was talking to earlier. and the prof literally went over and sat at the table with them just to talk about regular things! which he literally never does bc he always stays by his desk so first him not talking to me at all except for being pissy to me and then him being so nice and friendly to those other students really put me in a bad mood. but the TA came over to me and asked if i needed help w anything which was v nice of him. i didnt need help bc i was just reviewing the online models on the ipads but still. but then the TA went and sat down w the prof and those other students so whatever

so then i left and walked my dejected ass all the way to my car and drove home pissed off the entire time and yeah thats it! tm i only have orgo so since i have a lot of free time im gonna try to finally go to the student counseling center and set up an appointment

[mixeddoctor]

Exhaustion is not the word...

So I have often written about how failure is completely taboo in medical school. No one talks about it although it totally happens. No one wants to say that they’re struggling. No one wants to be the “dummy” in the room. No one gets as far as we have gotten without at least a little Type A tendency. Everyone is used to doing well so when you don’t do well, you immediately question your own capabilities. 

My first year of medical school- I totally thought it would be hard but I thought I could schedule and be efficient enough to not breeze through, but stay pretty steady through it. I had no idea when I started that I would flounder through it all. That I would battle depression, deal with family issues, handle school drama, try to resolve some serious friend drama that to this day has not been resolved, confront racial and political issues in a new capacity than I had ever been used to... granted I totally didn’t flounder at everything. I mastered keeping my apartment clean, getting my laundry done efficiently, paying my bills on time, cooking and meal prepping and essentially adulting in a completely separate state. I built my own life away from my family and that was awesome. But the reality is, school is life so even the little wins didn’t really feel like wins despite the fact that if I’m honest, just surviving was a huge accomplishment (I’m the first on my mom’s side to go after a doctorate, and I’m also the first one that moved out without child or husband and not just moved out, but moved away). 

But even that whole year could not have prepared me for the summer. Throughout the spring semester, I was very aware that my classmates were planning travelling the world and doing all these exciting things because this is pretty much our last summer off ever. I knew I had to re-mediate a class so the first 2 weeks of my summer were not exactly my first 2 weeks of summer but just another continuation of my school year. After that I would pack my apartment up and move back home to Cali and spend a week there helping my dad recover from his foot surgery before I was shipped off to Air Force training in Alabama. That training would last about 6 weeks and then from there I would fly to New Jersey to visit my grandparents for a week before I moved into an apartment that I had yet to find in the DC area and from there start my first week of orientation and remediation of a second class... I was pretty much not having much of a summer... and I was somewhat dreading it and completely jealous of my classmates. I would trade almost anything to have had that summer instead of what lay before me. 

I was remediating in AZ and when remediating, you get 2 weeks to study the entire course and retake your exam. I was tired from the year but the 2nd week killed me. I had to go to a student performance committee meeting to explain why I had filed my second course. I wrote about that experience before but essentially that was an emotional day that was preceded by another emotional night- my grandmother calling me and asking me what to do medically because my grandfather was declining and declining quickly. I had never lost someone I was close to and I panicked and I hated myself for not being further in medicine for not being better in medicine... I was remediating when I could have been there... I was remediating because I wasn’t smart enough... I was remediating and I could have been there. The next 2 days were days I should have had dedicated focused study time.... I couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t focus. I had no gumption. I tried to push my grandfather out of my mind, to push my meeting and my other familial situation out of my head. I talked to some friends who were also remediating on the morning of the exam and they all had heard that no one fails these exams... But I did. I remember walking out thinking that everything was going to be fine and then I got an email saying it wasn’t. My mom had driven down to help me move out and I couldn’t show her that something was wrong. I got a call from my advisor. I told her what happened. I cried. I balled. My whole life’s aspirations and dreams were right in front of me and I was watching them slip away. Who am I without medicine? I’ve failed but I’ve never had to give up my dream. What was going to happen to me???? I told her about what happened and after I got off the phone I got a text that I should call my grandfather because he was perking up when we called. I had to pack up all my things and get out of my apartment... Me and my mom worked that whole night, woke up and worked that morning and then set out on the 6 hour drive back home. I didn’t know if I could make up the exam considering my circumstances, or if I was going to get kicked out of school. We got home late but I was just glad to be home. Until the next morning...

I had made sure that I was going to be home for that Sunday because it was Father’s Day and I was moving across the country- it might be the last Father’s Day I have with my dad for awhile. I had no idea that we’d wake up to a call that my grandfather passed away. I didn’t get to say goodbye. I didn’t get a chance to call. He was gone. And I just broke. I had to call my sister and tell her and I don’t think anything could have prepared me for her silence. She just was silent as I cried telling her the devastating news. We took that day to grieve, but that was it. The next day it was down to business... Funeral planning and for me, I contacted my advisor and told her because I had a meeting scheduled for that Tuesday to explain my case to the committee. I called the Air Force and asked if I could be excused from training because I could not miss my grandfather’s funeral. They allowed it and the school allowed me to remediate. So I spent the next 2 weeks studying, helping plan a funeral from 3000 miles away and helping my dad recover from his surgery. It was not easy. I didn’t sleep much. but when I flew to AZ to take the test and passed, I was relieved. I was relieved and happy but it was short lived. I left to NJ shortly afterwards for the funeral. Fast forwarding and keeping it all short... Helping plan the last minute details of the funeral, going to the wake, going to the funeral, church, helping take out his things, short trip to finalize my apartment, rearrange the house, help my grandmother with anything and everything she needed... I can’t even begin to describe how it was errand after errand, project after project... up until late into the night before I left. And if I’m super honest... I don’t know how my grandmother was doing. I dragged her with me everywhere because I wanted her to be too busy to feel. Too busy to wallow. Too busy to miss him. But nothing I could’ve done would have helped that. She wouldn’t be super overt about it, but every conversation had him in it. Everything reminded her of him. And I don’t think she exactly knew what to do with herself now that he was gone. 56 years of marriage- a lifetime of love...gone. 

I left to move into my new apartment and my brother was with me. We worked for 3 days solid to get the apartment set up. We had one day really to relax which was when I started studying for my last remediation exam. My brother played a game all day and the next day he was gone and I kept studying. On that Saturday everything caught up with me and I swear I slept 18 hours. I couldnt get myself out of my bed. Couldnt help but be dragged back into sleep. And that’s when I started to notice how tired I was. Not only physically, but mentally and emotionally too. I had no time to rest though. Orientation started and I still had to study. My exam was coming up after a whole week of orientation and another 2 days of another orientation. There was no way I could do the exam without having the same type of study time as I did before- I hadnt had the same amount of time to study because of all the orientations. They postponed the exam for a week, which put the exam into the 2nd day of the school year. So I took the exam and that day started on new lectures because I was already a day behind. I passed, almost cried, and just kept going. And now it’s a week and a half later and I’m still exhausted... I feel like I can never get enough sleep. It takes me forever to focus. Granted I’m much more efficient than when I was in AZ, even with the material... but I can’t help but want a break. I feel like I’ve been going and going and I don’t even know if I’ve really grieved. I realized I might not be done grieving when some things that reminded me of my grandfather almost made me cry on 2 separate occasions as I was commuting. Even writing this... I’ve stopped at least 5 times to cry. I miss him. And I wish I could be there for my grandmother. And I still wanna be a doctor. Maybe even more now. I never said thank you to him for the inspiration to be a doctor. He never got to see me change my last name to his. He never got to see me be the doctor he knew I was. I wish I could talk to him one more time. I wish I hadn’t had to remediate...and ... maybe I haven’t grieved.. or maybe this is what life is after you’ve lost someone... It’s about to be September... and I’m dying for the break in November. I’m beyond exhausted in every way, but he would have told touched my hair and me to keep going. “Go Up and Prosper”. 

Ok Pop.. Here I go.