#turn in assignments in english class and art class because i'd rather fail than let my teachers see my ~horrible~ art or read my ~terrible~ | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

indooroutdoorboyfriend · 19 days ago

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i genuinely cannot stay asleep for longer than twenty minutes at a time so i am gonna be weird and introspective instead. evan character analysis. btw no i am not in a crisis or anything i'm just trynna dr house my neuroses. delete that "are you good??" dm right now

#i consider myself like. someone who wants to be creative anyway. so i have a lot going on in my mind all the time. and often i'll feel 'wow #i actually like this!' right? but as soon as i tell someone else about it i realize i HATEE IT and it is BADDD #i cannot take myself seriously enough to actually explain things in a serious way so i like. make it into a silly joke flanderized goofball #thing. but i do have actual serious earnest lore about these things you know. i just consider myself.. Too Cringe #basically swinging wildly between 'PERFECTION IS REAL I JUST NEED TO BE BETTER!!!' and 'haha lolll who even cares like whateverrrrr haha'#but when i am alone with my thoughts and enjoying my daydreams and playing with my tuoys i am so far removed from that dichotomy lol #i can't say i DON'T fall victim to 'ewww cringe' thoughts when i'm alone too but it's unbelievably less severe #i assume this is some presentation of social anxiety. like fear of judgement. but it won't go away no matter how many social anxiety coping #strategies i use. it's become this insanely bad complex i have. like i can make myself talk on the phone. i can make myself exist in crowds.#i can almost never share something i create. or something i enjoy. i can barely even tell people foods i like because i'm worried about them #like. happening to hate that food. a really big problem with this is that someone can go 'omg cool i love this!!' to something i made and i #will usually assume they are actually being sarcastic or lying to spare my feelings. that is my brain's instinctual reaction to praise. and #like there is never any justifiable reason for me to interpret it like this. it genuinely makes me feel insane. i feel nothing but anxiety #when people praise me. i feel anxiety when people criticize me. i feel anxiety when i am sitting there doing nothing..#now as someone who has gone through countless OCD therapy sessions i KNOW the answer is just telling my brain it's wrong and shoving the #thought away. distracting myself and all that. but this is an issue i didn't really notice i had until recently after noticing how fucking #neurotic and insane i am about sharing oc lore lol. looking back this has been a Thing with me for a long time. i would straight up just not #turn in assignments in english class and art class because i'd rather fail than let my teachers see my ~horrible~ art or read my ~terrible~#essays. when i was a kid i would write crappy stories about dragons and dinosaurs and show them off to anyone i could. i'd draw animals #whenever i could and would tape them up on the wall wherever i could lol. i miss that. WHAT made me snap and get neurotic with it........#i know perfection is not a healthy ideal to strive for and i am actually pretty mellow with everything else in my life lol. i never expect #anyone else to be perfect. i try to encourage people to just relax and have fun and chill. but i am not capable of extending that to myself.#it's like i have a brain augment specifically designed for this purpose or something. feels like an entirely different entity than my actual #brain. but tbf i feel like that whenever i feel like. any emotion because the hashtag borderline stuff. and i'm not SURPRISED by this #experience because i've had diagnosable OCD since i was ~8. but idk i guess it's just weird how i can do these things and think a certain #way for so long without even noticing it. but when i become aware of it i still can't stop doing it. i'm just hyperaware of how crazy i am #logically i do know i'm like. more creative than the average person. at least more imaginative. there was a point in my life where i #genuinely considered myself talented. but my mental illness has robbed me of that pride and i am so AAARRERRHHHHJGGGHHHHHHHH..........#i hope i come up with a solution to this in my sleep and it's not just another weird dream where i am publicly humiliated by my teeth #falling out after i fail to conceal the fact that my teeth are falling out and everyone points and laughs

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