#wasn't entirely sure whether to tag this shenko and/or shepley

[crqstalite]

Ashes.

for MER week 2020. day 6, argument. set in 2183.

It seems every time something is lit on fire, Shepard is in the middle of it. After Virmire, that doesn't change, especially after the loss of Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams.

(f!shenko if you squint -- warning for major character death + spoilers for virmire.)

read on AO3

-

She should be glad that the Corporal waited until after they left the planet to start yelling.

No one spoke after the Normandy took off, after the cargo bay door closed their only view of the lush green planet, of the base they were leaving their squadmate -- their friend, behind on. The only acknowledgement was that Joker came over the comms, subdued to hell and back saying that once debrief was done, that the Council wanted a word with the Commander.

Kodelyn heard Corporal Johansson's armor hit the floor as soon as they were aboard in the cargo bay, as soon as she'd put the Lieutenant down from where he'd been over her shoulder, the helmet clunked down to the ground with enough force to leave a dent. Not a single squad member said a thing, but in everyone's eyes she could see the hurt, could see the wounded pride and the loss that went along with it. It was petty, but she couldn't stand looking at the corner that Ashley often frequented, the work bench. Corporal Johansson gently brushed it with a gloved hand, blonde hair draped down in front of her face as she took it in. Kodelyn couldn't see her expression. Couldn't hear her if she had said something.

She didn't want to.

Kodelyn should've said something then. Did something. Anything to soften the blow, like any good Commander should've.

But the broken look in Johansson's eyes when she made the order to return to the bomb site instead of continue onto Kirrahe's squad's position was enough that she wasn't willing to risk it in the slightest. Johansson was a vanguard, and while she hadn't ever seen the woman flare outside of a combat situation, Kodelyn had enough bruises and cuts from Virmire as it was. Adding to it by flying back against a bulkhead would surely send her to Chakwas for the rest of the flight back to the Citadel.

Other than a glance to the rest of the squad to take stock, she took the elevator up to where her locker was. No one followed her up. She wants to say that was a good thing, she could be alone with her thoughts before the debriefing of all debriefings. Keep herself in check before she said something she shouldn't.

But she doesn't want to be alone, not now with all of her thoughts suffocating her. Kodelyn felt numb, slipping off her own helmet and brushing out her hair with a hand. She trudges over to the white and red locker, pulling off pieces of armor and carefully stashing them away. Her hands are trembling enough that she's forced to slow down her normal routine. She can't find the clips and buckles that she knows by heart, vision blurring not with tears but lack of focus. Even removing her chest piece doesn't relieve her of the pressure that's haunting her chest.

"Go back and get Alenko--"

"--You know it's the right choice, LT!"

She has to take a moment, right there in her undersuit just to process. To accept that what was happening...had happened. That there was nothing she could do now. That if Johansson really was as angry as she assumed she was, then she'd have to face the music, face that look of loss that she'd only seen once before on her mother's face. And really, she deserved it. Why hadn't she sent the others over to get Ashley? Why hadn't she tried to send someone else down for Kaidan? In that moment, she finds that there were so many things that she could've done that would've guaranteed that both the Gunnery Chief and Lieutenant would've returned to the Normandy in one piece.

They were both willing to die for the cause. Willing to sacrifice so that the mission could be a success.

Kirrahe and his men had gone down with Ashley. So now, not only had she lost a skilled soldier, the last of the 212th, she'd also lost an entire squad of Salarian STG soldiers under her command.

While she yanked off her undersuit in her quarters, she looks in the mirror that hangs just off kilter on the wall, blinking once and then twice at the subdued mahogany irises with the darkness of insomnia underneath them. One hell of a Commander that she was. The wheels had come off that mission before she knew what was happening. She knew she should've sent Wrex with Tali ahead of them. Had been on the tip of her tongue when Tali had called in with an update of the situation from the CIC and that Private Petrakis had gone down to a Geth Prime. But no, she'd declined because she didn't want to unnecessarily sacrifice their lives in favor of their own. She'd sent both her and Corporal Johansson back to deal with her wounds.

Pulling on her fatigues, she tries to justify the decisions. Knowing everyone would want answers, knowing she's going to have to face the entire squad with those words, having to look at Lieutenant Alenko -- Kaidan, and find if she really hadn't broken every reg in the book to go and save him.

The bomb had been important. It needed to go off, or the whole mission was doomed and they'd sacrificed Salarian lives for nothing. That they'd just nearly lost their lives for absolutely nothing. She wouldn't have sent Wrex and Tali and her stead, even with Ashley covering for them they'd still be dug in anyway. There were no promises that Joker would've been there for both sets of squads. She could've costed them the Normandy if she'd taken too long. The bet was in her favor for saving Kaidan.

She should've saved Ashley. If for just a moment, she could forget about the budding relationship between her and the Lieutenant, the strategic decision would've been to go back for the Gunnery Chief. The bomb had been described to her as impossible to shut off once started, and the Salarian Councilor would surely have less curt words for her once she flicked on the Godforsaken FTL comms after this meeting. Ashley was younger, yes, but still a force to be reckoned with. Kaidan had the seniority, but what did that mean if the Alliance cut ties with the Salarians?

Sacrifice. They'd warned her that she'd need to be able to do it, need to be able to make the hard decisions in the face of adversity. She'd said she could, said she was willing to hunt Saren down no matter the cost. To bring him to justice, and end his reign of terror.

So why was she here, unable to breathe and the room spinning around her like a ferris wheel? Unable to get those confused and wounded hazel eyes of the Lieutenant out of her head, unable to stop hearing Ashley's desperate voice out of her ears?

Once this mission is over with, she'd have to tell Anderson. Have to tell her father figure that she'd broken a regulation, and it costed them a whole soldier. She'd probably be reassigned from the Normandy, or in the worst case, that the Lieutenant would be. Demoted for fraternization, a black mark on her otherwise clean record. She'd never stop agonizing over it, and facing her mother and stepfather with those actions behind her.

A headache is starting to form just behind her eyes.

"Commander, the squad's in the comm room," Joker's voice comes over the room's comms as she pushes a hair band onto her wrist. She looks like a dead woman with her hair down around her shoulders, frizzed at the ends. Scars criss-crossing over her face, bruises from where a krogan had gotten much too close and got a nice hit in with his shotgun before Liara sent him flying. She doesn't think she's ever had her hair down around the crew before, but with how she was picking up the pace to just fasten her fatigues back on doesn't leave her with a choice. If she stayed up here any longer they'd think she was stalling, "Just uh, letting you know ma'am, in case you needed time to yourself after...everything. Want me to recall them for later?"

"No. No, I can handle this now."

Can she?

Can she really go down there, look into the impossibly indigo eyes of Corporal Annika Johansson and tell her that she'd sacrificed her friend, maybe even her girlfriend not because she was selfish and had kept Kaidan around just to quell her need for acception, but instead because it was a tactical decision?

"Thanks anyway, Joker." She says, grateful that Joker hasn't started trying to dig into her for her decision. He's probably just as upset, Ashley had gotten close to just about everyone on the crew. He simply makes a noise of understanding, before the comm clicks off and leaves her in silence. Pressing the button to open her door, she pushes her gaze up from the floor. She couldn't say she had any pride over this decision, but it was better than coming off guilty and worn down. Or, she hopes it is.

Climbing the stairs and firmly keeping her eyes off the station just outside her room, her thoughts fade to static. What was the appropriate response here? Lay out the facts first, right? Debrief, explain herself if she had to. Quell a mutiny. Wasn't the first time, but she supposed it wouldn't be the last either. She was sure this would split the squad in half over a matter of opinions, or maybe they'd all be against her. Who really knew?

Kodelyn doesn't even realize she's there until she's tapping the door open. Until the silence is ground into her as she strides inside, before turning to her squadmates.

Ashley's chair is empty. Annika sits beside it on one side, Kaidan on the other closest to her. Liara's eyes are downcast, Garrus' visor is off for once, and Wrex has the same unreadable expression as always. Briony has chosen to stand, instead leaning against the railing with her eyes pinned just beyond Kodelyn. She has bandages wrapped around her head, another around her left bicep. That gives her solace, that she managed to pull Briony out of the fire before things got past the point of Chakwas being able to do anything about it.

She can see the light corona of blue flickering in and out around Corporal Johansson's lithe form. Like the beginning embers of flames, they lick her pale, scarred skin, her lavender eyes mixing with the blue of biotics. She's trying to keep her powers from flaring, but it isn't being held back as well as she thinks.

"I…I can’t believe that Ash didn’t make it. How could we just leave her down there?" The lieutenant questions, as Annika shifts in her seat, fully forward with her head on her hands and her elbows on her knees. Expecting an answer. The hurt inflected in Kaidan's question shakes her to her core, but after a moment she allows herself to meet his eyes. This was real. It wasn't a dream, it wasn't a nightmare. Ash really was gone, and giving voice to those words that she'd thought as she raced back towards the bomb site only made it all the more shocking to her system.

"Williams knew the risks going in. She gave her life to save the rest of us." Kodelyn answers, firm but quiet enough that she can see Private Petrakis straining to hear her in the dead silent room. Should she speak any louder, she's not sure she'd still sound like herself. She swallows down a lump in her throat, crossing her arms over each other just to give herself a sense of stability.

This is why there were fraternization regs. So you weren't choosing between your lover and a good soldier. So there was no hesitation in the field if it did come down to a decision like this. Guilt over the unlucky party was natural, but there was no indescribable feeling like there was now, choking her, punching her in the gut as she tried to focus on the people around her.

Her hands are shaking.

"But why me? Why not her?" He asks, his voice cracking just so. Had they been alone, had they been anywhere else, she would've wanted to hug him, say anything, do anything to quell that pain in his voice. But they're not, and there are rules and regulations that she's already left behind her because of this.

Because I care about you, she desperately wants to admit, because I don't know what I'd do with myself if I knew I was the reason that you weren't going home to Vancouver.

"I’m sorry, Kaidan. I’d never leave you behind. I couldn’t. You know that."

She's already pushing boundaries here with her choice of words, and one of Liara's artificial eyebrows raises out of the corner of her eye. Maybe in surprise, maybe in confusion. Annika actually does flare for a moment, quick enough that if Kodelyn had blinked in that moment she would've missed the flames rising off her. Kaidan's mouth falls open for a moment, then snaps close. Organizing his thoughts, she's sure.

"I know. And I am grateful. But Ash died because of me. Because of us." He responds, knowing full well what he means. Or at least, what she hopes he means. She should be happy, being referred to as part of an us. Being part of anything at all, really. But instead the stone in her empty stomach weighs more than it did before she walked inside. It was because of this us that she'd chosen wrong. That the Williams family wouldn't be seeing their daughter ever again, that her three younger sisters would no longer have her to look up to.

Wasn't Sarah set to graduate this year?

"It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t my fault. The only one to blame here is Saren." She answers solemnly. It's quiet for a moment. For a moment she believes she's done it right, believes that she's not only comforted Kaidan to the best of her ability, but also quelled anyone's doubts, before a chair scrapes across the ground of the debriefing room.

She raises her head to the pale form of Annika Johansson.

The woman stands only a half an inch shorter than her, but with enough muscle to compensate considerably. Eye to eye with blazing blue eyes as she feels energy spark against her skin that she attempts not to flinch from, the shock of electricity that runs up her spine. She'd never seen a biotic that didn't intend to kill her this close before save for Kaidan, and if she wasn't trying to keep from bawling like a baby in front of her squad, she think it was beautiful. The supernova of blue and white that raises hairs on her arms, one that had probably nearly killed her a few times.

She doesn't know whether Johansson intends to kill her or not. Personally, she isn't sure if she wants to stick around and find out either.

"Shepard, I would follow you to hell and back but what the hell were you thinking back on Virmire?" Her voice is deep, rough, scratchy with what she assumes is unshed tears, "Where was the strategist I met on Feros? The one who would've gone back for Chief Williams -- for Ashley? When did she die?!"

"I made the choice that strategically sound at that moment, Corporal," She steadies her voice, or tries to, "I made the decision that would guarantee that the mission would succeed. If I could've saved the Chief, I would have. But sacrificing more lives for one would've put us at the tactical disadvantage."

"Bullshit!" Johansson's hands ball at her sides into fists, as if she's not entirely sure what to with them. Surely even in her heightened emotional state, she remembers that violence against her CO wasn't going to get her anywhere. That at least keeps her heart from jumping out of her chest as Johansson grows closer, "You think we're all blind don't you? As if you can keep playing this game of fantasy and break the regulations you deem as fair game!"

"Johansson." She states warningly, but the recoil in Johansson's expression never comes like it should've. Kodelyn wants to pull rank, wants to put her in her place, but if she doesn't deal with this now, doesn't hear out her own squad, then was she any better than anyone else they were fighting these days? She had to be the bigger person, and if that meant hearing her own thoughts come back at her, then so be it, "I made the decision. The bomb needed to go off, and I went back for the Lieutenant because we needed to secure it. Had we not, we would've sacrificed the STG's squad's lives for nothing."

"You--" Johansson's eyes narrow, pressing an electric finger to her chest roughly, "--just wanted to screw Alenko a few more times before all this was over! You pretended as if you could just play God for a couple more days, as if you'd pulled the wool over our eyes. News flash! Ashley was a person too, and she deserved to live just as much as your precious Lieutenant, if not more!"

Kodelyn lets that sink in. So that meant that they knew, or at least Johansson did. About what? She didn't have anything to hide, and neither did Kaidan. Hell, she couldn't even classify this as a real relationship, and going as far to accuse her of only keeping Kaidan around because she liked the way he looked? She bites her tongue to keep from snapping entirely. Before he was anything else, he was a capable L2 sentinel, and a friend. Anything more, and that was when you became delusional. She knew better than the assume where she stood with someone.

She pulls herself back together.

"My personal relationships, if they existed or otherwise, did not factor into my decision, Johansson. I've stated my case, and my friendship with the Lieutenant did not affect it." Her voice wavers at the admission, and selfishly wonders if that confession would affect this back and forth, never concrete relationship with Alenko. He'd always said to leave herself a way out, and she's really hoping that she hadn't just given him another one, "Ashley was a damn fine soldier and that decision wasn't made lightly."

Johansson is literally shaking, she can see her blonde hair flying as her grimace turns into an ill-timed smile, a chuckle escaping her, "Everything's just perfect for you, isn't it Commander? Damn peachy, huh? A family supporting every decision you've ever made, a Captain watching your back, damn Spectre status, commanding the first stealth-recon ship of it's kind and a biotic boyfriend to back you up? Really, Shepard. You didn't even think about the people you were tearing Chief Williams -- Ash away from, did you? Didn't even think about the people who cared about her, about the people who would grieve for her until the end of their days, about the people who lost the one thing still tying them to this damn galaxy, did you?"

Kodelyn is beginning to see the cracks in her resolve. It hits her like a brick, Johansson had no family left in the galaxy, and after Akuze, no prior squadmates either. She had lost everything before the SR-1, and now losing Ashley, however close they were, shattered her entirely. She still has her concerns that the vanguard might biotically punch her into next week, but she stays firm in front of her, "Ash was my friend too Johansson, just as much as anyone else in this room. Had I been able to spare the men to do it, you'd better believe she'd be in here with us. But because of her, we don't have cloned Krogan on our asses now, and Saren's been taken down a peg because of it."

"We lost both her and an STG squad because of it. You knew that bomb was going off either way, you just didn't want your Alenko in the center of it. The hell is your moral compass, Shepard? Do you have any idea how much she meant to her family, to the crew? To us? To me? Do you know who the hell you sacrificed just so you could have him of all people back in the comm room?"

Kodelyn doesn't dare meet Kaidan's eyes from where she can feel them burning into her side. Everyone is waiting on an answer, and she has to really think for a moment before she answers anyone. Johansson might've just exposed herself to being more than just friends with Ashley, but she's not willing to pull out her big book of regulations to put her down, nor does she wants to sow the seeds of dissent in the ranks with any pissed off response. Instead, she pulls her hand from where it had been crossed over her chest and gently places it on her shoulder. It burns like a bitch for a moment until she manages to find her words, "I get it. She meant a lot to you, Johansson. I don't think I ever saw the two of you without the other down in the cargo bay. I get it. And I'm sorry I couldn't bring her back for you. If you don't think this is going to haunt me until the day I stop breathing, then you're dead wrong. I don't ever make a habit of losing soldiers under my command and Saren is going to pay for her. You ask me whether I know how much she meant to her family...damn it, Johansson, I'm going to have to call them and tell them that I'm the reason she won't be back for shore leave this year. I'm going to have to tell Sarah, Lynn and Abby that I'm the reason their sister won't be back for Christmas. So yes, I have an inkling of what she was to the people around her."

Annika's eyes still smolder with blue, but her form falls from a defensive position to one of acception. Mission accomplished then, and without her knocking her shoulder back into place (Kodelyn makes a mental note to visit Chakwas once she dealt with the Council). Kodelyn softens her voice, not willing to raise her frustration any further, "I'm sorry I couldn't do more. And I'm sorry we're down a soldier and a friend. But channel that anger towards Saren instead of me, if you can. He's the real reason we're missing our Gunnery Chief Williams."

She deflates. Kodelyn stops feeling shocks of lightning up and down her fingertips once she does, and Johansson steps away from her, gaze averted. Addressing the rest of the room, "Dismissed. We'll be on the Citadel in a couple hours, you need me, you know where to find me."

Johansson is gone as soon as the order is given. Petrakis follows silently, though there's a limp in her step as she makes her way towards the doors. Liara moves to help her, with Garrus and Wrex on her heels. She leans back against the FTL comm system, careful not to bring up the interface and rubs at her temples. A headache is pulsing at the back of her eyes, and she figures this day isn't done with her yet. Her hair falls forward as she pulls it up into a ponytail, immediately hyperaware that Kaidan hasn't moved from his seat on her right. If she was going to take a guess, all the stress of Virmire not to mention they'd been out for most of the day was going to bring on a migraine. A part of her wants to talk about this -- about them, but she can't find the words now. Can't even think of bringing that idea back to the table considering their current situation.

She doesn't have to, as he stands first, "Ma'am--Shepard?"

"Go ahead, Lieutenant." She says, raising her eyes to his. All the fight has spilled out of her into the comm room, and she doesn't want to alienate him anymore than she already has. She'd been so blind, thinking no one else would be any the wiser. Hell, he practically haunted that terminal outside her room, and she allowed it. Anyone could've overheard their conversations in the mess, and now it was coming back to bite her in the ass. She knew all of this was too good to be true, and it'd gotten Ashley killed. Had probably earned her a one way ticket off the Normandy while she was at it. Nothing came without a price, and here was her invoice.

"I--thank you. For saving my life," He states. He seems conflicted for a moment, unsure of how to continue, his voice dropping to just above a whisper, "Shepard, you did all you could. Anything short of a miracle in the form of the Alliance's warships over the planet couldn't have saved her."

"I'd like to think that, Alenko. But then there's reality. Should've sent Tali, Wrex and Johansson ahead to get her." She answers. He's close enough that she can see the scars that he'd earned recently. One of which is on his jaw, and she winces, "There are so many things I could've done, so many things I should've done that I didn't in that split second. Johansson was right, the strategist in me died on Feros."

"Don't let the what-ifs drag you down, ma'am. Because of you, Saren's facility on Virmire is done for. There won't be any Krogan fighting for him when we finish him off," He responds, "Maybe this wasn't a picture perfect victory, but you did something they deemed impossible."

"Saren is getting the ass-beating of the millenia when I find him for Jenkins, Nihlus and Williams," She responds coldly, before turning from his form to flicker on the comm interface, "Do you need anything else, Alenko? I'm sure the Council wants to talk about this colossal failure of a mission before we land and they do it in person with an audience."

He's quiet for just a moment, "Thank you, for defending me against Johansson. I know you wouldn't let...this, get in the way of a mission, ma'am. If it means anything at all, I think you made the right decision," Again he pauses, double taking on his words, "I mean, sorry Shepard, that sounded selfish."

"No, no it didn't, Alenko. And thank you," She turns over her shoulder, offering a gentle smile. To think he thought that he was being selfish, just for being grateful that he lived to fight another day, "For not giving up on me."

"You're welcome, ma'am. You know where to find me if you want to talk, about anything." His voice softens further, and she's not sure what to say. Instead, she nods as the door closes behind him with a satisfying thunk.

She watches him leave. She straightens her fatigues and brushes her loose hair back as she cracks her jaws. Three of the biggest annoyances in her career thus far come onto the vid, and she puts on a neutral face to receive their thoughts on the mission, "Commander Shepard--"

-

It may be purely out of habit but I do the starting missions in this order: Therum > Feros > Noveria. Private Briony Petrakis was recruited on Noveria. Corporal Annika Johansson was recruited on Feros. Their profiles are both on my tumblr. She and Ashley were mid-relationship when Virmire hit, same as Kodelyn and Kaidan.

This story is also just something I had floating around my head for a bit. There is some shenko at the end if you squint, but I mostly wanted to introduce Annika. And Shepard's interaction with her after Virmire was a little heartwrenching to write. This is tied to the 'Eye of the Storm' verse and there will be more stories included.