#we spent 4 hours doing that and barely got through 2016

[mars-ipan]

what is lovemaol

i do not know how to even begin to explain something that i can barely comprehend

[harry-styles-sunflower]

Last Christmas

a/n: Pure fluff, some cursing, 3k, thats all :) Please reblog and let me know what you think! 

//

You were walking down the sidewalk holding your trench coat tightly to your body. You made it to Johnny's Club and you pulled the heavy door open.

"Jeez," you sighed. You shook off your coat and walked to the coat room. You hung it up and took your phone out from its pocket. You turned and grabbed one of the aprons and put it on tying a knot behind your back. You slid your phone in one of the pockets and shoved your other two pockets with straws and a towel. You walked down the hallway and then behind the bar.

"Hey Matt," you said as you clocked in to your job.

"Hey y/n, what's up? Cold out?" he asked as he wiped the counter.

"Freezing, it's just going to get worse. How many people have come in?" you faced him.

"About 5 maybe?" he reorganized all the bottles on shelves, "Could have been 4," he shrugged.

"I don’t know why Johnny's making us work tonight, its Christmas Eve. Everyone is either travelling or with their families," you sighed and leaned against the counter.

"Yeah I don't really get it either," he stood next to you.

"At least you get to go home to Abby," you nudge him with your shoulder.

"Wouldn't really want you to be here alone though," he nudged you back.

"I'll be fine, I can hold my own. I'll grab my pepper spray before you go," you grab your towel from your pocket and lightly whip his knee with it.

"Okay," he laughs and goes into the back to do inventory.

Few hours later, Matt was gone and you were bored on your phone. The club was empty and the you played Christmas music through the speakers. You mumbled the lyrics to frosty the snowman and checked the time.

10 PM already. Great. Just 4 more hours. You checked your Twitter and saw people talking about 2016 being "the year" so you got off. Who can predict that stuff anyway. "Do they know its Christmas?" began playing and it was one of your favorites. You grabbed a bottle of bourbon and began using it as a mic.

"Its Christmas time, there's no need to be afraid," you sang. You spun around and lifted your hand up to the sky.

"At Christmas time, we let in light and we banish," when you spun you were shocked to see a male silhouette watching you, so you couldn’t help scream 'Shade'.

"Hi sorry I didn’t see you there," you said quickly.

"Sorry about that," he said as he came more into the light. He had long brown hair, sharp facial features, and bright green eyes.  

"It's okay," you turned around to lower the music slightly, "What could I get you to drink?" you turned back around to face him. You placed a napkin in front of him as he shrugged off his coat.

"Um Tequila, with ice," he said slowly. You nodded and got a small glass. You opened the freezer to scoop the ice and when you did you placed the cubes in his cup.

"Brand of choice?" you asked.

"No, surprise me," he smiled. You nodded and poured some 1800. "Thank you," he smiled again.

"No problem," you smiled back. You turned around and pretended to organize the shelf as you watched your customer through the mirror behind the display shelves. He was staring into his drink deep in thought. He had an accent, sounded British. Maybe feeling homesick on a night like this. He took a sip of his drink before pulling his hair up into a bun. You could see his face slightly better and he was handsome. Very handsome. You turned to face him and wiped your hands with your towel.

"Everything okay?" you asked.

"Yes thank you," he looked at you and then around the club, "What did you do to be the only one working tonight?" he grinned.

"Um, not sure honestly. Might've been telling my boss he should've given us a Christmas bonus." you shrugged. He laughed lightly and it was beautiful. Appearance wise and sound wise.

"The performance you were giving when I walked in should count as entertainment so I'd say you deserve the bonus," he smirked behind his glass.

"Thank you," you giggled and then blushed because the giggle was embarrassing.

"Join me for a drink will you?" he bit his lip.

"Um I shouldn't" you shook your head.

"Not even a club soda?" he stirred the liquid in his glass.

"Okay," you grabbed yourself a glass and poured some seltzer inside. You walked in front of the bar and settled on a stool next to him.

"So.. You're obviously not originally from New York, but is it your home?"

"Um no, I'm on break and I thought Christmas in New York could be fun to do alone after 5 years of not being alone. But it's actually very lonely," he takes a swig of his drink and you watched him as he spoke. The way his lips pursed with certain words and the way his face scrunched slightly at the burn of the tequila.

"Did you just get out of a relationship or something?" you ask. He turns his stool to face you with his eyebrows furrowed. It was as if the wheels in his head were turning behind his green eyes. You had no idea who he was or you were a great actress.

"Harry," he stuck his hand out for you to shake, "and no, no relationship. I spent five years working and now I am on uh sabbatical," he smiled charmingly. You shook his hand and nodded along to his words.

"I'm y/n," you smiled.

 It was nearing 11:30 PM and you were laughing so hard you were tearing up.

"Okay okay, what does a dentist do when he gets on a rollercoaster?" you asked him.

"What?" he giggled.

"He braces himself!" you burst into laughter and so does Harry.

"Wait wait, doesn't an orthodontist deal with braces?" you stopped suddenly and put on your best poker face. He cracked a smile and you couldn’t help it. You broke one too. Jingle Bell Rock came on and you couldn’t help but get up and go to the dance floor.

"Come on, come here!" you grabbed his hand and pulled him off his stool. "Do you know the mean girls dance?"

"Barely, it goes like this?" he put his hand up and swung his hips dramatically. You laughed and sang along to the song.

"Don't forget to slap your thighs," you show him and he copies your move. The song soon ends and you hear the familiar tune of 'Last Christmas'.

"I love this song, it's my favorite, you whispered.

"Would you like to dance?" he offered his hand. You looked at his long slender fingers that were covered by a few rings. You took his hand and he pulled you closer. He placed his hand on the small of your back.

Ah, aha

Ooh

Oh

"I like your rings," you say as you look over at your hand in his.

"Want one?"

"Do you just give your rings out to anyone like that?" you laughed lightly.

"No, but you’ve been very kind to me tonight. You can take it as a Christmas present," you nodded along and continued dancing to the music.

Once bitten and twice shy

I keep my distance

But you still catch my eye

Tell me, baby

Do you recognize me?

You could hear him singing the music quietly. You detach your hand from his and intertwine your own behind his neck.

"You have a nice voice," you tell him.

"Funny you say that," he smiles. His dimples were very cute.

"Funny how?" you ask.

"Nothing," he shook his head, "I didn’t think this was how I was going to spend my Christmas Eve but I'm glad I am," he said. You tried to hide your blush and you mumbled a 'me too'.

Face on a lover with a fire in his heart (I gave you my heart)

A man under cover but you tore him apart

Maybe next year, I'll give it to someone

I'll give it to someone special (special, someone)

The song ended and you looked up at him. His face was only inches away from yours and you could feel his breath fan your face. You both leaned in but jumped back when Usher's 'Yeah!' came on. You ran your fingers through your hair with one hand and placed your hand over your heart with your other.

"Sorry," you laughed awkwardly.

"Yeah, I'm not," you felt his hands grab the sides of your cheeks and his lips on yours. You kissed him back and placed your hands over his lightly. When he pulled away, you had a blissful smile on your lips.

"I'll take your 'peace' ring," you smile. He kissed you again and smiled into the kiss.

"Here you go," he slid the ring off his finger and put it in your palm.

"Thanks," you held it in between your forefinger and thumb. You slid it onto your thumb, the only finger it fit. His phone began ringing and he excused himself to answer. From what you could hear he was speaking to someone named Jeff and he was late to a party. You cleaned up the bar and put the glasses away. When he hung up the phone, he walked over to the bar with a guilty look on his face.

"So my boss wants me to go to his Christmas party," he frowned.

"Oh, okay. Have fun," you smiled. Fake smiled to be exact. You didn’t want him to go just yet.

"Can I get your number? Call you sometime maybe?" he asked and your heart skipped a beat.

"Yeah! I mean yeah sure," you shrugged. He walked behind the bar and lifted your chin with his finger.

"No need to try and play it cool," he kissed your forehead. You looked down and blushed. You grabbed a napkin and wrote your number on it as he put his coat on. You walked over when you finished writing on it and tucked into his coat's pocket.

"Thank you for my present, my number will be your present," you giggled.

"Sounds lovely," he kissed your lips before leaving. You sighed and wiped down the bar before closing up. Hopefully you could make up an hour another day, you needed to go home and close early.

After Harry left the bar and waited for a taxi, a man next to him sneezed into his hands.

"Damn allergies," he said.

"I know the feeling mate," Harry replied. The man sneezed again, this time in need of a tissue.

"Here mate," he handed him the napkin he felt in his pocket. Without a second thought. That was the kind of person Harry was.

"Thank you," he said before Harry caught a cab and got in. When he reached into his pocket to get your number the realization hit that he gave the napkin to the man. When he called the bar with the number he found on Google it said the bar was now closed.

//

"Fuck!" you yell at your rental car. You were currently at a gas station or as the English say, 'the petro station,' and you were trying to refill a tire. But it kept emptying. You were the only one at the gas station until a black Range Rover joined you. You decided to travel to England for the holidays since your family decided to vacation to China without you. You were getting cold and it was Christmas eve. You just wanted to get back to the small cottage you were staying in. You walked into the shop and headed for the snack aisle. The end of 'santa baby' played over the speakers in the store. You surfed the options on the shelves and grabbed a few chips (crisps) and searched for some sweets. Next song to play was 'last Christmas' and you accidentally groaned aloud. The song had been ruined for you ever since you met Harry 5 years ago and he never called. Typical musician which you came to find out. The guy behind you laughed lightly before speaking,

"Don't like this song?" he asked. You turned around with your snacks in hand.

"Bad memory goes a long with it," when the man turns around your shocked to see who it is and he's just as shocked to see you.

"YOU!" you practically yell.

"Let me I can explain," he holds his hands up in defense.

"I don’t want one!" you walk away.

"Wait! Please, I promise I'll tell you the truth." he says. Okay realistically you had no where to go before the tow truck came.

"Fine," you cross your arms.

"Well I can't believe our paths have crossed again," he smiles. You don’t. "Um well okay. So after I left that night, I accidentally gave this guy my napkin because he sneezed and I realized too late. I know it's a rubbish excuse but it’s the truth. Oh I also tried calling the bar that night and you already had closed and then when I called again the person on the phone said you were busy and I just didn't know if that was an excuse or not. I guess you've figured out who I am by now too.." he drifted off.

"I do and your excuse sounds very unrealistic," you sigh.

"It's the truth, pinky promise," he holds a pinky up. You squint your eyes at him before joining your pinky with his and huffing 'fine'.

"How come you're in England?"

"Vacationing," you stare at him slightly. "You cut your hair," you remembered it was long last time you saw each other. He ran his hand through his shorter curls and nodded.

"Yeah um cut it a few months after we met, would you want to grab a bite?" he pinched his lip between his fingers. He was still handsome as ever.

"Okay, my car actually has a flat tire.."

"We’ll use my car," he smiled at you.

When you got to his car it smelled like him. You felt slightly uncomfortable with this blast of the past coming back into your life. Especially so handsome. He began driving on a road you’ve never been on and you watched the houses pass through your window.

"So, you must know everything now," he sighed, "I enjoyed that you didn’t," he drove with one hand, his left entangled in his hair.

"That's a full of it assumption. I've heard your music and that you went out with Camille Rowe that’s all," you shrugged, "I can't believe you were in this famous pop band for 5 years and I had no clue," you laughed.

"So maybe not everything..good," you noticed he was hiding a smile. Or at least trying to. He kept driving for about a half hour before pulling into a driveway.

"Um you said we were going to grab a bite?"

"It's Christmas Eve everything is closed, I promise I'm not going to kill you," he smiled.

"Very convincing," you sighed. You stepped out of the car and followed him up the steps to his house.

"Fancy a grilled cheese?" he looked behind his shoulder and grinned.

"Sure," you took off your shoes and followed him to his kitchen. His house was huge but neat. It was modern and very bachelor like. Yet cozy and warm. You settled on one of his stools at his kitchen counter while he turned on the fireplace. When he made his way over to his stove and heated up a pan, he grabbed the bread bag and pulled 4 slices.

"So catch me up," he smiled.

"Um well. I've been working. Running an Etsy shop. Just made custom sweaters and such.. I quit the club a few months after we met. Found out I kissed Harry Styles. Otherwise I lead a very boring life.” You laugh.

“I did think of you these past 5 years, don’t think I didn’t. I wondered what you were doing and if you were okay. If you had found out who I was. If you’d come to one of my shows,” he said as he cooked.  

"I didn’t think you thought that way of me," you say honestly.

"I did, still do. I've had a 5 year long crush," he blushes. You shake your head and call bs on his claim.

"It’s the truth. But I'm glad to know you don’t feel the same," he sighed before serving you your sandwich. You got up and walked around his counter and watched as he moved to grab you a cup.

"Who said I didn't still have a crush? I still have your ring in my jewelry box crying out loud," you laughed and rubbed your head embarrassed.

"You do?" he smiled brightly. You nodded and walked towards him. You pulled him by the end of his shirt and grabbed his cheeks to pull him down for a kiss. His arms wrapped around your waist lifting you off your feet. You wrapped your legs around his waist before he placed you on the counter. You kissed him for a bit more before pulling away.

"I am hungry though," he laughed and his breath hit your face in a familiar way that made you smile.

"Okay," he kissed your cheek before handing you your plate and smiled as he saw your eyes widen once you took a bite.

LETS TALK ABOUT IT :) 

[haberdashing]

i want you to straighten out my tomorrow (6/?)

The last thing Jon remembers is working into the night in the Archives in early 2016. Now he’s in a cabin in the middle of nowhere, Scotland, with Martin Blackwood as his only companion. Obviously Jon’s missed something along the way here…

Inspired by beloved of jon, though it can be read separately.

Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3 / Chapter 4 / Chapter 5 / Chapter 6

on AO3

“Do I really need that big of a plaster? It’s hardly even a paper cut anymore.”

The first aid kit Martin had brought out was a sizable one and surprisingly well-stocked, and the plaster he was holding out to wrap around Jon’s finger looked like it could easily cover the better part of his palm. The wound still stung a bit, but that was as much from the ointment Martin had dabbed on there as from the actual cut itself, which was now barely visible.

“Better safe than sorry, right?” Martin shot Jon a smile, but it was weak and shaky. “Now, just hold still-”

“Well, I was going to shake my hand around, but since you asked so nicely-”

Martin put the plaster on Jon’s finger for him, brushing hand against hand a few times in the process--his fingers were big and rough and definitely not as cold as they had been the night before. (Christ, that was only last night that the world was flipped upside down for Jon, though it felt like it had already been days, weeks, an eternity since then.)

“You should probably go sit down for a bit, you’ve lost a fair bit of blood, it could make you lightheaded-”

“It doesn’t feel like it.” Jon muttered, though he still headed towards the couch as he spoke. True, he’d felt out of it right after the injury, but now he seemed as alert as ever; perhaps whatever strange healing powers had fixed the cut had worked their magic on his blood supply as well.

“Well, there’s blood all over the kitchen now, and if it’s busy staining the kitchen it’s not in your body doing whatever blood’s meant to do, so.”

“...I did make a mess there, didn’t I? I’m sorry about that.”

“Don’t.” Martin raised his hand to stop Jon. “You don’t need to apologize for that. Just take it easy.”

“Fine.” Jon reached the couch--a gaudy-looking thing, really, and still a bit rumpled from Martin having slept there the past night--and unceremoniously  flopped down onto it. “Though if my blood really does replenish itself that fast, maybe we could use it for something. Fill all the world’s blood banks, water plants in the Royal Botanical Gardens, make oases in the Sahara...”

Martin’s face went pale, and only then did Jon stop to consider that he might be taking things a bit too far, that his half-joking speculation might be hitting a bit too close to home. “I’d really rather you not test that theory.”

“...right. Of course.”

“Though it’s funny you mention that, really, I actually wondered about that myself-” Jon must have made a strange expression, because Martin looked panicked and spoke rapidly in response. “Not about you, I mean, not about your, your blood, but the uh. The tape recorders. They just keep popping up when you’re around?”

God. Of course he couldn’t be free from the tape recorders. Jon didn’t even like the things. But it fit in with the rest of this strange puzzle he’d found himself in, Jon supposed.

“And so at one point I was thinking, hey, wonder if you could take all the batteries from these, solve the energy crisis with them maybe- but I never actually tried. Somehow I doubt it’d work; the supernatural doesn’t seem to be that... nice to people who try to use it for their own ends.”

“It sounds like the supernatural is all one big disappointment.”

“Disappointment is a polite word for it.” Martin let out a half-laugh. “I’d say it could be worse, but I’m honestly not sure how, and also that seems rather like tempting fate.”

“Right.” Jon pressed himself against the back of the couch, which really wasn’t that comfortable. God, and Martin had slept on this same couch that night... “We’re on the run from a couple different people hiding out in a cabin in the middle of nowhere, but we wouldn’t want things to go wrong or anything.”

“It’s really not as bad as all that sounds, I swear.” Martin began cleaning up the blood stains Jon had left in the kitchen; Jon didn’t catch all the steps in his process, but it was clearly something he’d had practice with before.

“Really?” Jon rubbed his eyes, as if the room would magically coalesce into a more comfortable environment if he just looked away for a moment. No such luck, of course. “You said we’ve been here for almost two weeks--what have we even been doing with all of that time?”

“Well...” Martin’s hesitation to answer was practically an answer itself. “We’ve talked a lot. Sometimes about big stuff, sometimes smaller stuff--we spent a couple hours last week discussing whether open-faced sandwiches actually count as sandwiches.”

Jon thought about it for a moment, scrunching his face up as he concentrated. “They’re really not, are they? I mean, the whole point of a sandwich is having something covered in bread on both sides so you don’t get your hands messy.”

“It’s a sandwich, Jon, it says it in the name and everything...” Martin let out a small huff. “Alright, going to nip this in the bud right here, I doubt we’d get any farther than we did the first time around.”

Jon snorted a little but dropped the argument, much as he was tempted to continue with it just for the sake of defending his initial argument. “What else?”

“We, uh, we’ve got a pack of playing cards, we’ve played a lot of games with that. Picked up a few jigsaw puzzles down in the village and we’ve been working our way through them. There’s a couple board games, but I categorically refuse to play Scrabble with you anymore, not after... well, anyway, there’s others we could try. Sometimes we go for walks around the area, it’s a pleasant enough place, some nice trails nearby. The first few days we did a lot of fixing the place up, and there’s still some day to day chores--cooking, cleaning, that sort of thing.” Martin stood up and looked over at Jon, a wry smile on his face. “Speaking of which, I think this kitchen is officially blood-free again.”

“Better than the alternative, I suppose.” Jon thought about Martin’s words, the handful of activities he’d mentioned. “It sounds like we’re basically doing a lot of nothing around here, just wasting our time for lack of anything better to do.”

Martin visibly deflated as that comment landed. “I mean, that’s- that’s a really uncharitable-”

“Do we at least have some work to do while we’re here? Statements brought over from the archives?”

“No, not yet, anyway, we... No, we don’t have any archival work with us.”

“And how long exactly are we going to be out here, twiddling our thumbs and hoping that whoever’s after us doesn’t find this place?”

“...I don’t know.” Martin took a few steps towards Jon, slow and tentative, as if he was afraid that Jon would lash out at him if he got too close. “The Institute’s still technically a crime scene, and even once that gets sorted out it still might not be safe to go back for some time. We might be here a while.”

Jon rubbed his hands against his eyes, sinking deeper into the couch cushions as he let out a long, low sigh.

“We just need to- to make the most of it, that’s all. Look on the bright side and all that.”

Jon looked back up at Martin with a pointed gaze. “What bright side?”

[tumbling-odyssey]

Games I played in 2020

Just felt like getting my thoughts out on all the games I played this year. I’ve been wanting to do something like this for years but I always let it pass me by. Well not this year! Fuck you laziness! 

I played the first half in 2019 but finished it in 2020 so I guess I'll count it. DQ11 was my intro to Dragon Quest and what a good starting point. I'm not exaggerating when I say this is one of the best traditional JRPGs on the market. Characters, story, combat, it all clicks in just the right way to make a flawless game... until the end credits roll that is. 

I have no idea what happened with the post game but by god does it dive off a cliff. It undermines everything you worked to do in the main plot. The characters act brain dead and it shamelessly reuses events from the main game. Please pick up and play DQ11 but for the love of god just stop when the credits roll.

Doom is a game I knew I'd like. The heavy metal ascetic and soundtrack were right up my alley, but I just never found the time. With Eternal on the way though and having found it on the cheap at a pawn shop I figured there was no time like the present. Needless to say but I was right. I loved everything about this game. The thrill of combat, the screech of the guitars, and the silent take no shit attitude of Doomguy. Make no mistake though, I SUCK at this game. I played on easy but still got my ass handed to me on the regular. But I don't care, I was having way to much fun.

I flipped my shit when this game got leaked at the tail end of 2019. Zero 3 is my all time favourite game. To celebrate this getting announced I went and 100% Zero 3 as I hadn't done it on my current cart, and Zero 3 was still the first thing I played when I got this collection! I love that game to death and I’m glad to have it on modern consoles again. As I was under a bit of time crunch with other games releasing soon I only played 2 other games in the collection Zero 4 and ZX Advent. Until the DS collection those and 3 were the only Zero/ZX games I had so I have a lot of nostalgia for them. 

Zero 4 hold ups better then I remember. Not as good as 3 but a damn solid game with tweaks I honestly wish hit the series before its end. I remember having issues with the stage design and ya it’s not perfect, but it’s far from as bad as I thought. For ZXA this was the first time I beat the game on normal difficulty. For some reason the ZX games have always given me more trouble than the Zero games, so finally beating one on normal was very exciting. Maybe I can now finally go and beat ZX for the first time...

The Mystery Dungeon series rising from the depth to punch all those unexpecting in the face was a very welcome surprise. I had a lot of hype going into this one as I have very fond memories of my time with Red Rescue Team and even more with Explorers of Darkness. And the game lived up to it! The remastered music is great and crazy nostalgic, the 3D models are well used and don't feel as stiff as they do in the core series, and the QOL changes are near perfect... So why did I drop this game like a rock once I finished the main quest? 

Anyone familiar with Mystery Dungeon will know that the post game is the real meat of it. The story is short and all the really cool shit comes in after it's done. But I just couldn't bring myself to put more time in after I finished said story mode. I'm definitely chocking that up to me just not being in the mood then an issue with the game. Here's hoping we get an Explorers DX sometime soon. That will fucking hook me for all it's got.

Second verse same as the first. I loved this game and sucked at it horribly. Out of all the games I've played this year Doom Eternal is the one I want to go back to the most. I was not the hugest fan of some of the changes made and retained a stance that I liked 2016 better. First person platforming has never been a fun experience in my opinion and Eternal did little to change that. And I know this a lukewarm take at best but fuck Marauders!. They are so unfun to fight and ruin the pace. The Marauder in the last mook wave took me so long I was worried I wouldn’t be able to finish the game. But the more I've seen of Eternal after my playthrough makes me think I was being far to harsh. I haven't played the DLC yet either. Mostly cuss I haven't heard great things about it. Gonna wait for the rest of it to come out to see if it's worth getting. Might just replay to whole game at that point to see if it clicks with me better.

This was my second favourite game of the year, and was going to take the top slot until a certain other game came out. Addressing the elephant in room right away, I hated the ending. But I was expecting something like that, I think we all were. I won't let the ending ruin the rest of the game though. Not gonna let 1 segment colour everything that came before it. We have to see how the later parts play out to truly see if this ending was trash or not anyway. 

It took Square over a decade but they finally got an action RPG battle system that works and feels good to play. This may be my favourite battle system in an RPG period honestly. All four characters are a blast and it only gets better the more time you spend with it. Figuring out the nuances of each character’s skills and how to combine them not only with the skills of the others but how to enhance them with the right Materia set. This makes fights thrilling and satisfying when you finally best whatever was giving you trouble. Tis was the best way to bring 7′s mechanics into the modern landscape while also fixing the BIGGEST issue the OG had. The fact every character feels the same aside from Limit Breaks. 

All this on top of graphics that just look fucking stunning, a few glitched out doors aside. Fuck I still feel blown away looking at the characters models (mostly Tifa) and see how god damn pretty everyone is. Also Tifa’s Chinese dress is gift from the Gods and I still haven’t picked my jaw up from the floor after I first saw it.

In my circle of the internet there was a lot of hype for this game. So much so that I ended up buying it to see what all the hubbub was about. I had never played a Streets of Rage game before and my only experience with beat'em ups was playing a LOT of Scott Pilgrim and last year's River City Girls. Turns out Streets of Rage plays quite a bit different and it kicked my ass! So sadly I had to switch to easy to make it through but I still had a fun time with it. 

I started playing mostly as Blaze but once Adam hit the scene oooooh fucking boy. I didn’t play anyone else. There's a deceptive amount of content in this game. You can unlock almost every character from the previous games and all of them rocking their original sprites and moves. If I had more of a connection with this series I'm sure I would have gone nuts on unlocking everything. I stopped after my one playthrough and I was happy with that. Always glad to support a long overdue franchise revival.

To properly talk about P5R I think I need to air a lot of my feelings on the original game and the importance it has to me. You see, prior to 2017 I barely played games, only sticking to specific franchises. AKA Pokemon and Mega Man/Mega Man like games. Until 2016 though I still bought a lot of games. Eating up Steam sales and deals I found at pawn shops. This lead to a Steam library and shelf filled with games I've never touched outside of maybe an hour or 2. So in 2016 when I took interest in the newly released Kirby Planet Robobot I made a deal with myself. I could get the game but I HAD to beat it.  And I did just that, gaining not just a new fav Kirby game but a new rule for game purchases. If I knew I wouldn't beat a game I was not aloud to buy it. Now what does ANY of this have to do with P5 you may ask? Well... almost everything.

 I was immediately interested in P5 when it hit the west in 2017. I loved the 20 or so hours I but into P3 years ago and really liked the P4 anime I had watched around the same time. So of course with all the hype around it I wanted to dive into the series full force with P5. But I knew myself. Putting over 100 hours into a game was beyond me and I had a weird relationship with home console games as I was predominately a handheld gamer. Add in the fact I didn't even have a PS4 and I was convinced P5 would be something I always wanted to play, but never would. So when I went to the mall with a few friends and they showed me that P5 had a PS3 version, I had a dilemma on my hands. I knew I wanted to play it and I now had a way to do so. But doing that would require me to change 2 HUGE hang ups I had with games. Would I being willing to waste 60 bucks with so much working against me? Apparently I was. I immediately started going to town on this game. Making sure I spent no less then 2 hours a day playing NO MATTER WHAT. Which may not seem like a lot but it was to me... at the time.. I also had just moved to my current house, so coming home from my still relatively new job and going straight into P5 was the first real routine I formed during this heavily transitional part of my life. 

I of course ended up loving P5 and put 200 hours into it. As such my outlook on gaming was forever changed. Console games were no longer out of reach and I knew I could handle playing monster length game. I started playing way more games then I ever did before and trying out generas I never thought I would play. P5 is the main reason for this and why I'm able to make a post like this. To actually touch on Royal though? It's unarguably the better version of the game and Atlus learned all the right lessons from P4G. The new characters are great and the added section at the end is possibly the best shit Atlus has ever written. I only wish Yoshizawa joined the party sooner so I could play as her more. 

The release of this really came out of nowhere huh? Wayforward announced it was being made mid way through 2019, then there was its weird half release on the Apple store... and then suddenly it was out! Very little fanfare for this one. Is that indicative of the games quality? Luckily no. Seven Sirens is a solid addition to the series and follows up Half Genies Hero nicely. The game goes back to Shantae's Metroidvania roots and makes a TON of improvements. 

Transformations are now instant instead of having to dance for them (don't worry dancing is still in the game) making the game feel more like Pirates Curse in its fast flow. They also added the Monster Cards which take heavy inspiration from Aria of Sorrow's Soul system. A feature I'm happy to see in any Metroidvania since Aria is one of my all time favourite games. Sadly though the game does not take the best advantage of these improvements. 

Over all the game feels kinda empty. The dungeons aren't super exciting to explore nor are they challenging in any way. And the plot is very repetitive, with each dungeon repeating the same beats. Really this game feels more like set up for a better game down the line. The mechanics are all here and Wayforward has a solid art style with the sprites from Half Genie Hero. Hopefully they capitalizes on this for Shantae 6 and we get the best game in the series.

While it may not have been the most thrilling game, Seven Sirens really put me into a Shantae mood. So much so that I went back to play the 2 games in the series I had never touched. This being the first game and Risky's Revenge. Shantae 1 really is a hidden gem in my opinion. Don't get me wrong, it's the definition of jank, but there's a lot of heart to this game. The sprites are great, the soundtrack is good, and the characters are funny... but it's still on the OG Gameboy and that's a massive hindrance for any game. I'm hard pressed to recommend this with how poorly its aged but I think it's better then it looks. 

Risky's Revenge on the other hand was a game that shocked me by how little it had to offer. I know this game went through a hellish development and what we got was far from what Wayforward planned to make, but it's hard to imagine a world where this was the technical BEST Shantae game. It's not a bad game by any stretch... just a boring one.

For the record my ranking of the games goes Pirates Curse>Half Genie Hero>Seven Sirens>Original>Risky’s Revenge

Sword and Shield are mediocre games at best. I know, real steaming hot take there. I managed to make my Sword playthrough a lot more fun by not spoiling myself on the new Pokemon designs for the first time since Gen 3. Either way, I enjoyed myself enough that I didn't mind playing more of it with these DLC campaigns. Plus I love the idea of Game Freak switching over to this method as apposed to making a third version, so I wanted to support it. 

Klara is a fucking top tier Poke Girl both in design and personality and is probably the highlight of Isle of Armour. GF actually went out of their way to give her multiple expressions to sell her toxic bitch personality and I love every minute of it. She sadly drifts into the background for the second half of the DLC’s story which hurts an already rough section even more. Not more then having to grind Kubfuu all the way to fucking level 70 though! That put a serious hamper on my motivation to finish the story but I pushed through anyway. Having to solo the tower with Kubfuu was at least a fun challenge though, as was the final fight with Mustard. Fuck the Diglett hunt though. Ain’t no one got time for that.

Crown Tundra may be my fav of the 2 though even if there isn't a character as good as Klara in it. The hunt for the legendaries was just pure adventure and I had a fucking blast doing it. The joy I felt when I figured out Registeel’s puzzle put a smile on my face unlike any Pokemon game since I was a kid. The whole Regi stuff was honestly a nice Nostalgia trip to my times with Emerald. The story around Calyrex was enjoyable, even if I still hate its design. Not revealing the horses before release was a good call to as it gave an honest surprise. Having to chase down the Galar forme Birds in the overworld is a great way to evolve the roaming legendaries idea and I hope GF sticks to this. Plus the Galar forme birds are some of the best legendary designs since Gen 5 and I love Chocodos way to fucking much. 

Here we are folks, my GotY. I love Panzer Paladin so fucking much. A combination of mechanics from Mega Man, Castlevania, and Blaster Master? Sign me the fuck up! This game is tailored made for me and I knew I had to play it once it started making the rounds on social media. I'll admit though, I was a bit worried when the the first full trailer dropped and showed the weapon mechanics. Breakable weapons that you have to sacrifice for checkpoints and power ups? I'm not sure about that.... Luckily I was being a complete moron and those mechanics are near perfect. 

I love the set up of each boss being a mythological creature from different cultures. They didn’t just pull the easy ones either. A lot of these things I learned of for the first time here. I love how Grit controls. Using the upward stab as a double jump and being able to pogo off enemies Shovel Knight style just felt great and satisfying. Flame was limited but it made her sections feel tense. She does more damage then you think she could at first glance. Also the only way to heal Grit being to use pods that only Flame could access was a cool idea. 

I am begging you Tribute Games, you have to make more Panzer Paladin games. Slap some new upgrades on Grit and expand what Flame can do and you have an even better sequel  on your hands. Also maybe not have so many 'gotcha' moments with enemy placement. That's really my only complaint about the game. Great music, great sprites, giant robots, unique premise, and a reference to Canadian legends. The ultimate self indulgent game for me.

It felt super out of left field for Curse of the Moon to be getting a sequel. The games fucking amazing but it was really just a tie in for the main Bloodstained product. Not something I expect to get a continuation. Either way I was pumped. If this was even half as good as the original then I was in for a great time. Which held true... cuss this legitimately is only half as good as Curse of the Moon. I still like the game, quite a lot actually. I mean how could I not with a fucking Corgi piloting a Death Train Mech. 

Something was just missing here that never made this click like the first game. Maybe it was the stage design, maybe the bosses, maybe the fact that it's a bit to long. I'm not sure. All I know is I couldn't bring myself to play all the modes like I did in the original. . Stopping part way in to the one where you can get the first games characters. I want to go back some day... I just don’t know when someday is.

This was an announcement I never saw coming. A Gundam Verses game coming to the west? That hasn't happened in the entire time I've been a Gundam fan. I had played a bit of Full Boost on my old roommates PS3 thanks to him having a Japanese account and I played Force on the Vita a few years ago. But to have the latest version fully translated with open servers? Holy hell that's a dream come true. 

Having the open betas every weekend leading up to launch was some much needed fun during this shit hole year. I had a lot of fun just fucking around with different suits and seeing what I could do with 'em. Absolutely trashing two Bael players as the Kapool is a memory I'll keep with me for a long time. Fucking danced on their graves. This gave me some new appreciation for suits like the Baund Doc and Hambrabi, the later becoming a lowkey fav as it was my main.

I've fallen off with the game in the last few months but I definitely want to go back. I hope to start learning the game and take parts in tourneys when cons aren’t death sentences anymore.

It felt like everything in my life was SCREAMING at me to start the Yakuza series. From 2 of my friends playing 0 recently, a youtuber I following live tweeting as he played through the WHOLE series back-to-back, and Yakuza 2 having a run at AGDQ 2020. Plus the constant pleas to play this series you get from following Little Kuriboh on Twitter. I finally broke and picked up 0 in the middle of August. Boooooooooy howdy did I not know what I was getting in to. And no I don't mean the content. I knew Yakuza was a series of wildly conflicting tones between the main story and side quests. What I mean is the length. I legit thought this was gonna be a 20-30 hour game. When i reached hour 30 of my playthrough and realized I wasn't even close to a conclusion, I think I knew I had bitten off more then I was planning. That misstep aside I ended up loving this game and want to play the rest of the series.... I just need to rest up first before I dive into Kiwami 1.

 Let's actually talk about the game for a moment here. Kiryu and Majima quickly clicked as likeable characters to me and I cared about their stories. Combat is fun and the multiple styles are all great.... though both the default styles take a while to get there. The mad rush I felt at the end was fantastic and the last bosses are a joy to fight. Only real complaint is the pacing of the side stories. I loved being able to just stumble into various different events while on route to the next plot objective. But this became less common as the game went on and side stories started getting more tucked away. Also hot take here, the host club mingame is more tedious then fun and I like Kiryu’s business stuff as I could do that in the background. I’m excited to dive into Kiwami and probably Kiwami 2 this year... Though I’m not sure when just yet.

Just gonna say it flat out, I think this is better the the 2018 game. The smaller scale helps in this style of game and Miles just naturally has a better move set then Peter. I'm not sure if they actually tightened up the combat system or if they just threw less bullshit enemies at you but fighting feels so much better in this one. Traversal is better too,  simply because they changed the button for tricks. In the original you have to hold down 2 face buttons to enter trick mode??? In hindsight that was such a bad call. 

Having both the heal and venom powers run off the same meter was a good idea. Making the choice between keeping yourself alive guaranteed or potentially ending a fight quicker/disposing of a problem enemy is super fun. The player having to make small choices like this during combat is what helps it not be brainless. I love all the different venom skills you get. While they all achieve the same thing in stunning opponents, how you achieve that goal is up to you. Do you want to just slug the bastard, throw 'em up in the air, tackle the shit out of them? The choice is yours. 

Only real big complaint is certain upgrades being NG+ locked. I know you want to encourage replays, but this is a shitty way to do it I feel. Also can we retire Rhino for the next game. Man has had 2 shitty boss fights now and I need a break. Between this and Spider-Verse, I'm honestly starting to like Miles as Spider-Man more then Peter.

I got this game more on a whim then anything. I was definitely interested when it was first announced for the west. Vanillaware's beautiful art style in a story about giant robots beating the shit out of Kaijus? Sign me the fuck uuuuuu-oh wait it's an RTS? I had never played an RTS's before, mainly due to the sheer concept stressing me out. So I let it fall to the wayside. The game started coming up again though towards the end of the year with GotY on everyone's minds.  This revived my interest, especially as what I HAD planned to be playing around that time was... well. Cyberpunk. Don't think I need to say much more. Also I had worried for nothing as the Real Time Strategy was not that Real Time. 

This game really lays on the analysis paralysis once you're out of the tutorial. Do you want to fight, do you want to do story, who's story do you want to do, what branch should you follow, how much should you play with this one character? It's very overwhelming at first. I decided to not go ham on just one character and swap around all the time. The twists in this game are equal parts exciting and infuriating. Learning something new always came with the caveat of more questions, or something you knew 'for sure' being disproven. Like when I learned 1 characters was actually 4 separate ones! Anyone that's played knows exactly what I'm talking about. 

Natsuno ended up being my fav and not just because of.... obvious reasons. BJ was cute if unfortunately named and her relationship with Mirua was my favourite in the game. Not that there was much competition except for maybe Ogata and Tomi. I ended up really liking the combat but I can see why RTS fans say it's the weakest part. It's far from complex and I had a winning strat by the third or so real fight. Aka spam turrets and have the Gen 1′s gank all the bosses.

One quick thing I want to share was how I beat the boss at the end of Area 2. The one where Inaba is singing. I had Hijiyama use the limit break skill to bum rush the boss right off the hop. I took out half its health in one hit but Hijiyama’s Sentinel was on death’s door. Only thing that saved him was sending in Amaguchi to blow up a bunch of missiles. Hijiyama took it out on his next attack but lost his Sentinel at the same time. It was a real clutch victory and crazy fucking anime. 

The best way to really describe Carrion is that it's a fantastic proof of concept. Can you make a game where you play as The Thing? Why yes, yes you can. Carrion just needed a bit more tweaking to really bring this concept home and be the A+ game I know it can be. As it is now the game is a bit empty. The level design is super samey and the lack of a map is fucking brutal at points. I know it would make no sense for a blob monster to have a map but somethings you just have to gameify for convenience. The level design must have done something right as even though I was completely lost I still moved from area to area properly. Hell by the time I actually looked up a map I had 1 more item to get and I learned I was one door away from beating the game. 

I love the idea of losing mass as you take damage and gaining more by eating people, but having abilities tied to size was a terrible idea. It just leads to tedium as I have to go and shed myself to the right size, do the puzzle, then of course I'm going to go back and rebuild myself to see if I can do the next segment at full power. Just make it so you can swap between abilities using the d-pad or something. I hope this game gets a sequel just so this sick ass concept can be fully realized.

[trashfor-imagines]

My Senpai | 4

Ushijima x Reader

Summary: You’re Goshiki Tsutomu’s older doting sister, second year at Shiratorizawa and captain of the girl’s track & field team. At your brother’s first practice you sneak in to support him and end up meeting the impressive force that is his captain. Warnings: None really. Mentions sex. Spoilers: We’re encroaching on manga territory. Takes place after Karasuno v Shiratorizawa.

Author’s Note: Sorry for not updating in forever! I lost my original chapter and got discouraged. I started rewatching Ushijima episodes to refresh my grasp on his character.

[1] | [2] | [3] | [4] | [5]

-

It was a shock. You never thought Shiratorizawa was capable of losing this year. Ushijima appeared unaffected, but that was just him. It was always mental for him and he had the ability to act with a sort of chivalric grace whenever faced with conflict. God, your boyfriend was really cool. Your brother, however, it broke your heart to see him cry.

After the award ceremony, you raced down to wait by the bus. Ushijima walked out first, his head held high. Noticing you, he simply rested his large hand on your head before getting on the bus. Quiet hello’s and thanks for coming’s were whispered to you. Your little brother could barely make eye contact, the last one to get on the bus. Reaching for his hand, you gave it a squeeze before letting it go and heading for the bus that brought the cheer squad.

The ride felt long. You spent most of it listening to music and playing with the sleeve of Ushijima’s spare team jacket he’d given you shortly after dating. You smiled and chatted occasionally with your fellow students, but the topics of discussion were focused on how Ushijima and the third years were doing. They expected you to have the answers and quite frankly, you thought it was obvious.

Getting back, you made your way into the gym to see the team working on serves. You sat quietly on the sidelines and watched as everyone gave their all, letting out their frustrations from the day. You never knew you could find the slams of volleyballs to be comforting to where they could put you to sleep. Or maybe you were just exhausted. Either way, you woke up from being carried.

“Wakatoshi,” you mumbled, snuggling closer to his chest.

The two of you snuck into your dorm room, stripping down into your underwear and entangling under the sheets. Ushijima’s body was like a radiator, warm and comforting.You ran your fingers through his hair patiently. If he wanted to talk, then he would. Until then, you whispered little praises to him, pressing kisses to his shoulder between sentences.

“I won’t lose again,” he spoke quietly.

Months passed and things continued to go well between the two of you. They were better than ever honestly. During Christmas you visited each other’s families at his request. You didn’t even have to prompt it! Your parents loved him. They thought he was quite the protector type and approved. His mother ended up accepting you once she realized you were intelligent and genuinely loved her son. Your personality had definitely thrown her for a loop.

Graduation was soon approaching and the two of you decided on a five year plan together. Long nights were spent discussing goals and dreams, wondering if they would be compatible with one another. He intended on going pro right after school; the Schweiden Adlers seemed most likely and they were based in Oita. You still had your third year of high school to finish, but you were applying to Kyushu University for architecture. It was in Fukuoka and closer than your other options to Oita. It was just a couple of hours by train or car. You also had plans to stick with track and field and keep your spot on the national team for as long as you could. You both had your eyes on the 2016 Olympics.

For a year the two of you managed to maintain a healthy long distance relationship.

After graduation, there were farewell and congratulatory parties almost every day, but the most fun for you was going apartment hunting, together. It was like a vacation, enjoying the beaches and hot springs. You spent a week staying at his apartment where the lease was ending soon. He said the two of you needed a new place together, that his current apartment wasn’t fitting enough for you. On your third day in Oita, Ushijima decided on the place, a 2 bed and 1.5 bath townhome instead of a one and one apartment. When you told him it was a bit expensive, he said it was perfect because he wanted you to have your own space at home to study for school without being bothered by him. You cried right there and he handled it like a champ. The two of you moved in a week before you started school.

“Wakatoshi!” you called to him from the rooftop terrace. He appeared, sticking his head out from the sliding glass door. You wiped your cheek, smudging dirt across your face. “Can you help me move this bag?”

He slipped on his outdoor shoes and walked over, lifting the bag of dirt and moving it to one of the two raised garden beds that he built earlier today. The two of you had plans for a small vegetable garden. “I thought we were going to plant seeds after lunch. I’m almost done cooking.”

“I know, I just got really excited. I was staring at your beautiful work and couldn’t help myself,” you cooed, giving him starry eyes.

Sighing, he set the bag down where you needed it before taking your hand and dragging you back inside. “We’ll do this after lunch. Together.”

“Aw, are you jealous I tried to start before you?” He didn’t say anything in response, making you grin. “My handsome farmer, I’m so sorry.”

After lunch, the two of you filled the garden beds with dirt and carefully planted seeds for carrots, lettuce, tomatoes, peas, basil, parsley, rosemary, thyme, marigolds, lavender, and scarlet plume celosia. Ushijima had done quite a bit of research on complimentary plants. Hours really. Hours spent doing online research and drawing diagrams of how the garden should be set up for its fullest potential.

You were watering one of the garden beds when you caught a glimpse of Ushijima squatting with a spade in his hand. It was so cute how concentrated he was and how much attention he was giving this simple task. Biting your lip, you sprayed him briefly. He blinked, as if not comprehending what happened and looked up, as if blaming the sky. A muffled laugh escaped you. You went back to watering the garden bed as he went inside. Minutes later you heard the glass door slide open and didn’t pay much mind to it. Suddenly you felt chilled and were thoroughly soaked. Moving your hair from your eyes, you looked up to see your boyfriend holding a bucket over your head.

“Wakatoshi!”

Soon you were off to university, moving into a small dorm room with a single suitcase. Your dorm was littered with photographs of you and Ushijima and it was hard to cope with the fact that you wouldn’t see him through at least the rest of summer, maybe not even until the end of September if your school’s track team did well.

For a month you and Ushijima would call or FaceTime every night and tell each other about your days. He was quite proud of the garden the both of you planted and would send you progress photos and then describe what he saw in fine detail. Honestly, you didn’t realize your boyfriend was capable of being so invested in something other than volleyball. There were a few times you tried spicing up your phone calls, but honestly Ushijima didn’t get it. He was terrible at phone sex. It was fine though. Summer break was.... just a few months away.

It was a Saturday night after track practice when you got a phone call from your boyfriend.

“Wakatoshi! You’re calling early. I haven’t gotten back to my dorm yet,” you spoke, excited to hear from him.

“(Y/N), I’m lost.”

Your brows raised in surprise. “Lost, how? Do you need me to look up how to fix something?”

“No, I’m somewhere on your university’s campus.”

You felt your heart skip and you immediately ran toward main campus. “Okay well tell me what you see.”

In thirty minutes you were in your dorm taking a shower and Ushijima was reading the newest shonen jump he picked up at the train station on your bedroom floor. You came out with your hair in a towel and one of Ushijima’s t-shirts you had stolen. He set aside his magazine and pulled you down into his lap, holding you tight.

“I’m so surprised you came. I’m so happy,” you squealed, burying your face into his neck and running your fingers through his hair.

“I missed you too. I can stay for two days, but then I must go home.”

Pulling back, you let your fingers run over the stubble on his jaw, pouting a bit, “So what do I owe this short visit?”

His stare was intense and a faint blush kissed his cheeks. “I recognize that a few times you’ve tried to... initiate some things on the phone. I admit I’m not very good at it, so hopefully my presence now can make up for my... lack of experience.”

“Wakatoshi,” you breathed out in surprise, gazing at him with so much love. He literally traveled almost three hours because you were horny without him. Pulling the towel from your hair, you knocked him over onto his back as you jumped him.

Visits like these happened sporadically and soon it was fall. Track and field season was over which meant you could make your weekend visits home to Oita. You’d leave Wednesday nights and head back to school on Sunday mornings. Despite the second bedroom serving as a private study for you, you found yourself curling up to Ushijima almost always - as long as he wasn’t busy.

This was life for a couple of years. The two of you had become quite the duo. In fact, throughout your relationship, you had only argued about two things:

You broke your phone once and he wasn’t able to contact you and he freaked out from not knowing what was going on.

He forgot your anniversary and cancelled on your date for volleyball and you laid in on him for it.

Things were great until the 2016 Olympic qualifiers came around. You had broken a metatarsal in your right foot at the first qualifying meet of the 2015 season. You were out for the next eight weeks and even then, you weren’t going to be in shape to qualify because you had to go through physical therapy and get your athletic abilities up to par. Your coach told you that staying on the national team, going pro, and qualifying for 2020 was still possible for you. It didn’t stop the feeling of complete and total devastation that wrecked you and you were jealous.

Ushijima wasn’t sure of how to help you; he’d never seen you so vulnerable before, never seen you so sad, but he did his best to support you, even if that meant being a punching bag. He was consistent, despite things he had going on for his own Olympic goals.

After two months it was summer break. You had to go through physical therapy and you moved back home to Oita, transitioning to online classes for the second term of the year. Because Ushijima’s love language was different from most, you found yourself being forced to do your PT homework exercises, no matter how down and bratty you got.

“Wakatoshi, I don’t want to do stairs,” you groaned, curling up into a ball on the couch.

“You must, or you won’t be ready to start training any time soon,” he replied simply.

Your foot was throbbing and you were on your period, and everything just felt like shit. All you wanted was to watch anime and eat the small bag of chips you had hidden under the blanket you were under. Ushijima had been so strict with your diet and honestly all you wanted were trans fats, sugar, and carbs. With ease, he ripped the blanket from you, exposing you in your underwear clutching a bag of Calbee honey butter flavored potato chips.

“You should get up and walk the stairs now,” he said, prying the bag of chips from your hands, “if you want these back.”

Throwing your legs over the couch, you winced, balling your hands into fists in frustration. You got up, favoring your left foot, which he noticed. He walked up the stairs and sat on the top step, waiting for you to follow. Biting your lip, you moved slowly, trying to ignore the pain. There were 14 steps to the top and you had to go up twice and down twice. You were doing fine until your second trek up the stairs. It was a misstep and you slipped and you were clinging to the stair case, crying. It was embarrassing for you to be like this in front of him. This sweet giant quickly enveloped you in his arms and had you lying on your side of the bed, gently caressing your foot as you sobbed through it.

When you were calm again, Ushijima left for a while before returning, dinner in hand. The two of you sat in bed and had the meal he made in silence. You’d barely eaten, but you waited until he finished before you curled up to his side.

“I’m so sorry, Wakatoshi.”

“I would be surprised it you took this easily. You’re a competitive person. It’s one of the things I find attractive about you,” he replied. He wrapped his arm around your shoulders, his fingers gently running up and down along your own arm.

“Really?” you asked, feeling shy. He hummed in affirmation, glancing down to make eye contact. Smiling, you played with the hem of his shirt that was beginning to ride up. “What else do you... find attractive about me?”

“You’re thoughtful, kind. The way you pursue your passions and you’ve encouraged me to pursue my own; you believe in people wholeheartedly.” A thoughtful expression settled on his face as he spoke on effortlessly. He paused and his brows furrowed briefly before settling into a relaxed expression. “You’re beautiful.”

Placing a kiss to your forehead, you watched as he got up and headed to take his evening shower.

While you couldn’t compete, you concentrated on therapy and school and finished your courses early for your degree. You picked up a simple class to stay enrolled until your four years at school were up*, this way you could go back to competing your last year of university. The summer of 2016, Ushijima took you with him to Brazil. Japan didn’t win, but the competition was incredible. You got to meet with track and field athletes and it reignited your passion for competition.

You’d graduate come spring and then your focus was on 2020 Tokyo.

-

*In Japan, early graduation doesn’t exist. It was explained to me that if you attend a 4 year university, you have to be a student for 4 years before graduating, even if you complete your degree early.

tag list: @hihiq​

[atelophobicity]

Top 10 Things You Shouldn’t Do If You Want to Finish Your Thesis On Time

It’s my entry for September! I’ve been busy in consuming new music, films, and kvariety episodes in my effort to catch up on everything. So, I decided to post monthly to fulfill my oversharing Tumblr needs and to exercise my skills in writing in English and putting thoughts into coherent words.

TL;DR of this: things I’ve done instead of doing my thesis for the past year and a half. I’m not romanticizing my not doing thesis self for the past 21 months, but I’m also not dissuading you from doing other stuff besides thesis because god knows, you will need something.

1. Got a part-time job. This was the first new thing I’ve done that really took my time and effectively gave me no time to do thesis. And yet, this was the most rewarding thing as I learned how to get my TIN, accomplish my deliverables, answer to my superiors etc. Looking back, I wasn’t the best employee and I deserved no job offers on the same company after. But still, it was a stepping stone in the right direction. Adulting-wise, anyway.

2.  Discover the art of creating.

Journal spreads. I bought a 2019 planner and I couldn’t fill it up, so I decided to turn it into a journal-planner. The art materials I used for to design pages are from old supplies bought back when I was in high school or stickers from the fandom-related events I attended. I didn’t spend money and I was given a chance to be creative.

Sew doll clothes. In K-pop, dolls that look like your idol exists. It usually comes with one set of clothes to dress it. As a “doll mother”, I wanted to dress them with new clothes but buying clothes was expensive. So, I just sewed clothes for them. I made clothes from scrap fabrics or clothes no one wears in our household. I’ve been barely successful, but it’s one of the things that keep me happy and make me feel like I’ve succeeded in one measly part of my life.

3. Purged my online files.

From my high school files. Nostalgia has been one of my coping mechanisms. I was able to be provided by lots of it when I discovered that I didn’t lose my high school files and it was on my mom’s laptop all along. Being able to relive memories while organizing my files was the best hours of that day.

To my external hard drives. Since 2016, I have been a hoarder of online files for so long that I have two EHDs to prove it. This time though, I was able to delete content that was either repetitive or uninteresting anymore. I was able to shave off some of my data bytes and am now able to save new interesting content available online (if I ever find one).

4. Realigned my priorities and consumption of K-pop as a stan and as a person by:

Selling 3/4 of my merch. Unlearning the pride that comes with owning K-pop merch was difficult, but overtime, I have been proud of myself for not falling to the traps of capitalism—at least in K-pop. Also! I was able to buy my own concert tickets with the stuff I sold so it is a win!

Joining giveaways instead. No matter how I can avoid the urge to buy K-pop merch, I still can’t help but want to own them. This is where I discovered how joining giveaways was my next best option. It takes a lot of effort and screenshots to win these things. However, if and when you win, it really feels like winning against the odds. You get free merch too!

Actually spent hours to vote and stream. In relation to the last point, since the main requirement in giveaways I’ve joined are voting/streaming proofs, I have been one of those people who collects points on voting apps or has a playlist of music videos that should be streamed. After collecting and/or streaming, I take screenshots, put watermarks there, and tags mutuals if needed. It’s relatively hard work but there’s a feeling of pride when your idol wins the poll or an MV reaches a certain amount of views and you know you participated in making that happen.

5. Rediscover Youtube. Channels like the vlogbrothers and their associates (Crash Course, Pemberley Digital among others), Buzzfeed’s shows (The Try Guys, Ladylike, Buzzfeed Unsolved) were a delight to watch after being out of the Youtube loop for so long. The platform also offered new niches of content and I allowed myself to be sucked in it. From Simply Nailogical to Ask A Mortician to amazing pop culture video essays like Lindsay Ellis and Jenny Nicholson, Youtube has all it for you! Learning something new every day is one of my favorite things and I get to do it with this website.

6. Rediscover my love of writing. (As if I’ve written anything for my thesis but here.)

Made drabbles. There is a weekly activity on my fandom where we write < 500 word drabbles on any pairings. I have been joining when I can, and through the support of the (small) community (back then), I gained confidence to write one. I’ve written at least four now and I’ve not done yet because I’ve been on a slump lately. But I’ll get back to it soon!

Short story. The same account that brought the drabble challenge created a festival where we write a pairing and write a short story with it. I decided to join the event! Not going to lie, my entry was shit, It was the first draft, it needed a lot of revisions and more constructive criticism and yet, I am still proud of it. It was the first creative fiction I wrote since 2019 and I did it in a day. And, I believe it has potential, so I’m going to review and revise the hell out of it someday.

7. Reclaim my college days.

Reconnected with orgmates. Visiting Elbi for registration and consultation purposes are brightened up by the fact that I get to do this. My first four years of college were not kind to me. I’ve forgotten a lot of things because of trauma and deep sadness that I still have until this day, and when I remember good things, they’re few and far in between. The numbered days I was in Elbi during 2019 were also few and far in between, but they were infinitely better than my academic years from 2015 to 2017. I was able to do the things I wasn’t able to do before (mostly attending Happy Ts and eating in newly-opened food places there) and I get to do it with people I love.

Made friends. One of the drawbacks of being a slot-driven student with no care of my coursemates’ schedules: I didn’t get to establish a friend group. So I didn’t get to make friends. During this time, I’ve accepted that I didn’t have any friends outside my organizations. But this time, instead of a feeling of dread of being that cliché orgmate, I feel relief and happiness because now, I realize that I do have friends from college, unlike the 2015-2017 who didn’t have anyone in college to rely on her darkest times.

8. Appreciated my friends more. For the past few years, I was the shitty friend. I agreed to go on hangouts only to message them that I’m backing out the last minute—sometimes I even straight up ghosted them. I really took my friends for granted. I have been slowly making it up to them by always attending when there’s an invite! I sometimes initiate the invite and it’s always a fun and healing time for me (it was a literal healing time for me as I was depressed during that time). I love them and I’m always thankful for them—and more so now than before.

 9. Unlearning things like:

Realizing that a priv (a private account meant to be seen by your mutuals you trust; usually contains unpopular opinions and hot takes on stan twitter) only encourages negative emotions and I must not do it again.

No matter how I tried rationalizing my hate for Jennie when the JenKai dating news happened, I was one of those K-pop stans who hated her because she dated my idol. (I have moved on past that and have started liking her and Rose.)

Knowing that attacking people for what they say won’t make them unlearn their wrong opinions. Not talking down at them and educating with patience is the key, always.

There are still so much more I unlearned and learned where those came from. My main takeaway is: it’s complicated.  Sometimes our opinion needs a more nuanced perspective and sometimes it needs to scrapped entirely because it was just wrong. But it is essential so we, as people, won’t be stuck with outdated views of the world.

10.   Learning something new like:

Practicing how to do Tzuyu’s helicopter hands until I realized it wasn’t meant for me.

Utilizing Omegle to look for potential quaranflings.

Installing Telegram and uninstalling to ghost quaranflings.

How to do laundry in compliance with my mother’s preferences.

Doing two things at once.

Enough patience to take time and read the laws our government makes every day to know what I’m fighting against.

Optimizing my Twitter lists and now I can keep up with current affairs (that takes a toll on my mental health) then scroll through a fic fest-centric list the next (that helps me forget the stress from reading news).

Learning something new every day has become one of my life goals. Knowing that the world always has something new to offer to me, a speck in this universe, warms me up and keeps me going. And you’ll never know where the new tidbits will lead you. Maybe it’ll help you reconnect with something you’ve known before, maybe it’ll change how you see things, or maybe it’s something new that once explored, it will contribute something new to the community. It may seem small and unimportant but with a tweak in perspective, it might be something worth doing and pursuing.

Looking back at my list, I can finally see how if I didn’t do all these things, I would have probably finished my thesis by now and probably working a full-time job, able to provide the financial needs for my family. There will always be regret that I am still not done until now. But stressing over my current predicament in this time when the world is in its most stressful state yet won’t help me. So, we soldier on and hopefully, hopefully get back to the thesis I’ve been meaning to do.

 Let’s get it.

[hong-kong-art-man]

Goodbye, Hong Kong’s Love —— My 10 Fond Memories Of Dragonair

On 21st October 2020, Cathay Pacific announced that its Cathay Dragon would shut down after almost four decades in business. This proud aviation brand was over. People of Hong Kong felt very miserable about the demise of our city’s first truly local airline, originally known as ‘Dragonair’.

In 1985, some local Chinese businessmen founded Dragonair, with only one flight per day, and they had a big heart that was to carry international investors to Mainland China to help the country develop. The carrier’s business expanded little by little over the years and it became Hong Kong people’s loved airline, particularly for those who travelled to Mainland cities, close and remote.

The boutique airline did not enjoy an economy of scale and was eventually taken over by Cathay Pacific in 2006. In 2016, the carrier’s iconic red dragon logo was replaced by Cathay Pacific brush-wing design and the old logo was totally wiped out.

As a frequent traveller to Mainland China, I was blessed to have been with Dragonair for almost 35 years since 1985. Claustrophobia could cause untold misery for me as a sufferer but Dragonair was a form of alternative medicine when I had to put up with a tiny aircraft cabin. Dragonair did not really pass away because it left us with too many fond memories. Let me search for the missing pieces with you:

(1) Eye Candies

'Don’t judge a book by its cover’ is a famous proverb. The truth is that a book is almost always judged by its cover. Dragonair, whether on purpose or not, recruited the young and good-looking male and female flight attendants. Some dislike the idea of capitalizing on the appearance of staff members, but if it is part of a customer’s reasonable expectation in a hospitality industry, why not?

(2) Yummy

In the 80s, most China’s airlines offered only cold food items like bread, biscuits and even preserved eggs or vegetables. They saw the role of cabin crew was more importantly concerned with safety and not with attending passengers with good food and wine. So, when I had to fly to the Mainland, I insisted on Dragonair. The eating hour was always a sacred and joyful time as Dragonair offered me delicious dishes like dim sum and garlic-butter salmon!

(3) Upgrade

In those years, when I was a Hong Kong passenger seen in a neat suit and tie with a pleasant smile, I could easily get upgraded from economy to business class. I guess Dragonair, being a truly local airline, favoured Hong Kong people because we were family!

(4) Spirituality

Spiritual nourishment including movie entertainment and reading is a needed human experience —— something that we all want when we fly. During the 80s, inflight entertainment was not a popular concept and most China’s airlines did not even provide magazine. Smoking on flights was allowed and perhaps that was already a spiritual salvation. Dragonair could not afford providing ‘projection screen’ movie in those days but they still supplied magazines with rich and colourful contents.

(5) Punctual

At that time, not being punctual was the greatest shortcoming of China’s airlines. Passengers were always on time but the planes were late. The delay often ended up being a few hours or a day. Our Dragonair, until recently, enjoyed a good reputation for being respectably punctual.

(6) Direct

‘Point-to-point’ transit was critical for business travellers because a plane should carry us directly to a destination, rather than going through the busy hubs like Beijing and Shanghai. At that time, most China’s airlines failed in the mission but Dragonair triumphed over direct flights. I could often cut the flying time by 4 to 5 hours when I needed to work in the Mainland.

(7) Quick

My advice for travellers is always to avoid taking the local airline of a foreign destination. There are longer queues like crowded markets at the check-in counters there since people like to use their own brand. To the contrary, the counter of Hong Kong’s airline in a foreign airport is usually not busy. The same phenomenon was also seen in the Mainland in the old days. Dragonair operated non-stop flights between outside airports and Hong Kong only. While the heart of other passengers began racing the moment they lined up, we, Dragonair passengers, calmly spent just 5 to 15 minutes on our easy check-in.

(8) Toilet

In those years, cabin toilets of Mainland’s aircrafts were clean and they still smelled. I guessed probably their detergent used did not have any artificial floral scent. I loved flying with Dragonair in Mainland China because their toilets were scrubbed, sweet-smelling and provided us with cologne and hand lotion. These toilet conditions sound like bare essentials nowadays and such washroom goodies were not considered as necessities in the 80s.

(9) Legroom

Emergency exit row seats in an aircraft are normally reserved for passengers who can speak English since they are expected to communicate and assist foreign passengers in case of escape. Dragonair, many a time, assigned me to occupy such a seat under the mistaken belief that I could speak good English. I got the same amount of pleasure from having a bigger legroom as from enjoying my easier access to toilets.

(10)  Eye-opening

I would not have travelled to some unknown places like Naha of Okinawa, Da Nang of Vietnam and Jeju of South Korea if Dragonair had not developed these new routes throughout the years. I could be in love with these special cities simply because Dragonair took me there.

Sadly, looking back is a way to remind us about how we do badly now. Airlines in the Mainland have improved and become better. Where is Hong Kong now?

Goodbye, Dragonair, my trusted friend! You were and will be part of Hong Kong. I will see you in another life —— when we may both be birds someday.

MLee

Teresa Teng - Goodbye my Love

https://youtu.be/R20bOB4Rwu4

CTITV News – Change of Name from Dragonair to Cathay Dragon

https://youtu.be/Ii76oEJLlTE

[the-writer-ofthe-fandoms]

Symbiote (Lucifer Morningstar) (Chapter Four)

Pairing:  Lucifer Morningstar/Symbiote!Reader(GenderN) Words: 1.2k Warning(s): Swearing A/N: Chapter 4, here ya are! I hope you guys enjoy! Sorry this took a bit, the program i was using wasnt cooperating with me. Also i hope i got everyone for the taglist! If i didnt get you let me know so i can put you down for the next chapter

Symbiote Masterlist

"Hey Eddie, I need some help." ----

"What's the matter?" He asked. "You're not in troube are you?"

"About that..." You laugh nervously, and you go to sit in an awkard position on your couch.

"(Y/N)... What did you and Venom do?" You heard him groan on the other end. Eddie was there the day Venom took you as his host.

"It wasn't avoidable I swear. We were at a convenience store and a bunch of robbers with guns came in and there were innocent bystanders." You hear him groan again. "I'm only asking for a small favor, nothing big. Eddie please." It was silent on the line for a few moments.

Then you heard a sigh. "Alright, what's the favor?"

"Oh thank you, Eddie!"

"Yeah, yeah you owe me though. Now spill it."

"So here's the thing," You told him everything. You explained to him about the two men, who aren't human. You couldn't explain exactly what they were other than what Venom told you. They were not human. Eds seemed shocked there were more than just Symbiotes in our universe. You made sure to lay out all the information you knew about Lucifer and his brother for Eddie. "I want to know if you can do a check on the Lucifer guy and his brother; if you could dig deep into their history."

"I can do that for you two. But promise me you won't get yourself killed"

"You know I can't exactly promise that, but I'll try not to."

"Stay safe, (Y/N). And you protect them, Venom."

"Stay safe, Eds." And with that you hung up the phone. You sprawled your limbs wherever and let your eyes closed.

"I wouldn't let anything hurt you Nibble." Venom spoke with some gentleness to his voice.

"Yeah, I wouldn't let anything hurt you either Venom."

----

It was a few hours since you came home from Lux. You spent the time calling ads for a job, unboxing your belongings, and snacking on whatever food you had lying around. Everything in your apartment was coming together, the feeling of happiness and pride swelled in your chest.

You heard your phone ring, and buzz against your coffee table. Recognizing that specific ringtone to belong to Eddie.

You answered the phone and flopped down on your couch, "Sup Eds."

"H-Hey (Y/N). I looked into that Morningstar guy." He sighed into the phone, sounding weird. "It's... weird..."

"What's weird?"

"Well," he paused for a few moments, you could hear typing in the background on. "I can only find records of him dating back to 2011. It's almost like he didn't exist before that. There is nothing on him."

"That can't be possible can it?"

"Unless he somehow got his records deleted from existence through some shady shit, or really didn't exist until then, I don't know."

"Wow, well what did you manage to dig up on him?"

"Well when he appeared, he opened his night club and then joined up with the LAPD as a civilian consultant in 2016. There are people talking about how he exchanges favors, but other than that nothing else that sticks out. Nothing illegal to be seen."

"Wow..." You weren't sure what to say. Lucifer Morningstar did not exist on this Earth until 2011? It couldn't be possible...

"And his brother Amenadiel... If I spelt his name right, there is barely anything. There is a name connected to him though: Dr. Canaan, a therapist. He apparently put it as a "last name" when taking a therapist office. Other than that, nothing."

"Wow..." You were a bit taken back. None of the information truly made any sense. Different theories soomed through your head, some seeming more plausible than others. You can tell both Eddie and Venom were going through the same process. It was silent between the three of you.

"Maybe... Maybe they are something religious? I mean the name Lucifer is biblical and what not. Could the devil be real?"

"That's a possibility, though I was thinking maybe fake names, or cover names?"

"You and Venom may want to investigate him more... Ya'know stake him out and follow him around. See what else you can find."

"Thanks Eddie, it means a lot."

"No problem, (NickName). Talk to you soon." You hung up the phone, and a plan formulated in your head. You glanced at the time, 9:37 pm. You didn't think any employers would call you at this time so you raced to your closet and put on proper clothes for cold temperatures in the dark. Grabbing things you may need, like your cellphone, a pair of high powered binoculars, and a trusty notepad.

"Fun night?" Venom asked, excitement in his deep voice.

"We are following Ed's advice. We are going to do some research on Lucifer." You opened your window that was connected to the fire escape, and climbed to the top of your apartment building.

"It's a nice night, Nibble." Venom spoke. "A nice night for a snack."

"Maybe Venom, if you're good." You joked. "Time to get close to Lux."

In a blink of the eye Venoms black, goopy skin covered your own. Your field of vision grew since Venom was much taller than you. He let out a deep, low chuckle before he ran to the ledge, and took a large leap to the other building, landing with a loud "thump".

He continued like this for a few minutes, as reckless as ever. His strong grip on buildings caused damage, which you asked him to be mindful of, but when does Venom ever fully listen? Despite Venom being on the "outside", you could still feel the surprisingly pleasant, cool wind. If you weren't focused on figuring out Lucifer, maybe a night sky gazing would of been nice...

--- You were sitting on top of a roof that was fairly close to the Lux club; your hoodie over your head elbows resting on the ledge and binoculars in your hands. You waited to spot anything happening in viewable penthouse at the top of the building. So far it was empty, you didn't see any noticeable movement. It was pretty dull, but at least Venom kept you company with his questions and random chitchat.

You were in the midst of answering one of Venoms questions when you barely noticed something happening in the pent house. You brought the binoculars to your (E/C) eyes, adjusting them to get a clearer view. He was with a woman, and it wasn't Detective Decker. She had medium-dark skin, with dark hair, dark eyes, and a leather outfit. Is everyone Lucifer associates with drop dead gorgeous?

They were talking, although it seems the woman wasn't to pleased with the conversation. She had a scowl on her face and her arms crossed as Lucifer talked. Lucifer stopped talking, and started pouring himself a drink, while the woman seemed to be thinking. She spoke and nodded her briefly before leaving the penthouse.

"Could you tell if she is human or not?" You question, your eyes stuck on Lucifer. He was sitting at his own personal bar, sipping on whatever he poured himself.

"She wasn't. I can't smell her from here, but her eyes look dead to me." You quickly scribbled down what Venom said, then shoving the note pad back into your pocket. You returned the binoculars to your eyes. Your eyebrows furrowed when you didn't see the club owner anywhere to be seen. It was only a few moments of looking down, how could he-?

"You aren't supposed to be up here, are you?" A voice spoke behind you, a slight hint of sass and aggravation was evident.

"Shit!" "Shit!"

---

Tag list: @cassiopeia-barrow @fandomsstolemylife00 @child-of-awesome647 @fairtaldes@ishipmybed@lazysaint101 @thetrashwriter @geek-girl9902 @alexwinchester23 @justanotherfanpassingby@miraculousincorrectquotes @kaatsuko @not-your-average-url @no-ninya-here @brookeisa-fail@gaiatheroyalrabbit @singleandlonely @lazysaint101 @the-silentium @bladedscope @zakgba @hearts-creed

[norsecoyote]

PGD #10: Overwatch

(part of a self-indulgent post series about my personal top games of the decade)

For a time in early 2017, I was ranked 1 in Overwatch:

Prior to Overwatch, I had basically never played a first-person shooter before; despite growing up at exactly the right time to be into Doom and Quake and LAN parties, I was basically all-in on adventure games. Fast-paced, twitchy gaming made me nervous to think about and anxious to play, and so with a few exceptions (like 4-person split-screen deathmatches in Goldeneye during high school or Halo during college) I never touched the genre.

What originally drew me to Overwatch was Blizzard’s always-incredible art direction: the game seemed colorful, and fun, and full of character in ways that still nothing else really touches. Then I saw some videos of Mercy gameplay and thought, “I could do that.” Then I got the game and discovered that, yeah, I could. And it was fun! The gameplay was accessible to my noob ass, but more than that I fell in love with all the characters, and how well they were all realized, especially in terms of how well their personalities meshed with their gameplay styles (and animations).

At this point I should explain that, on Something Awful, where I spent most of my online social time around 2016, there were two separate OW threads. There was the “real” thread, where people talked about the game, and the meme meimeis thread, where people talked about, well:

Naturally I stuck entirely to the chill thread, and later joined its associated Discord, because the one thing I refused to do is take Overwatch seriously as a game qua game. 

It was through this community that I met Bacontotem, aka Hanjo. Bacontotem’s idea, as explained somewhat laboriously here, was to see how long it would take to reach the absolute bottom of the skill ranking in Overwatch’s Competitive ladder. I and several others soon joined him on this journey, and for most of the fall and winter of 2016/17 the Hanjos wreaked incredibly stupid havoc across Bronze Tier.

What the article doesn’t quite capture is what it was like to play as a full six-stack, which is a shame because those games are some of my fondest gaming memories of all time. The question was always, how hard can we push the other team without actually letting them lose? Maybe we let them take the point once in Control, and then trap them in spawn until the timer runs out without ever taking it back. Maybe on a payload map, if we start on defense, we let them barely get to the first checkpoint, and they think they’re screwed, but then on our turn we absolutely refuse to even touch the payload, preferring instead to shoot at it from a distance. You never touched the objective, that was key. Everybody knew that the objective would kill you, we explained to teams expressing deep confusion at our galaxy-brain strategies.

It would have been really mean, I acknowledge, except that a) we always made sure they won, and b) we had a full six-stack, so we weren’t screwing over any unfortunate souls assigned to our team. Instead, it turned into a constantly hysterical safari of low-level play:

[edit: I wrestled with tumblr for an hour to make it display embedded mp4 and I am fucking tired of that so I guess you just have to click this link to see the very funny video clip.]

Eventually, I even got my wife to play, too; one of the few times she watched over my shoulder and decided she wanted to try for herself (see again: Blizzard’s best-in-class art direction). With her (and, later, my brother, too), I played more “seriously,” which mostly meant Quick Play because I still refused to Care About Winning. I actually got Not Bad at the game, eventually ballooning back up to somewhere around high Gold/low Platinum. I even got the basic hang of McCree, despite my previous belief that I had no actual talent for the core mechanics of first-person shooting. As the Hanjos sort of got collectively bored with hanjoing (yes, it was also a verb), I did shit like pick a character I had zero idea how to play effectively, like Roadhog, and do nothing but play them in Competitive matches until they started to click.

Overwatch was basically the only game I played from May 2016 to May 2017, but around that summer I finally started to fall off; I did spend some time watching the Overwatch League, which was surprisingly entertaining, but didn’t really feel like playing much more myself. We picked it up again now and then for a bit, but had basically closed the door even before the Blitzchung incident slammed and barred it behind me.

I have never put as much time into a game as I put into Overwatch. I still keep in touch with the hanjo crew via our discord (which has actually expanded tremendously with each amazing new institutional fuckup Something Awful manages to pull off), which is actually what got me into Discord as a platform in the first place, which is what got me to make the server for my old college social group, which is why we had a digital space ready to go when we suddenly desperately needed one this past March.

Do I think Overwatch is one of the Best Games of all time? No. But the communities it enabled, and the art, and the creativity, and the fun, are some of the best times I’ve had gaming in my life.

[forestwater87]

201X in Review: A journey of cringe and regrets

Realizing 2020 is really close and wanted to look back at the second (full) decade I’ve actually been alive for. I feel like either a huge amount of stuff has happened, or basically nothing’s happened, but there’s no middle ground.

2010: 

Cringy 2010 photo: High school prom (in middle, dark green dress and...a face)

Junior in high school. 

Had my first-ever Real Boyfriend(TM). (Pictured in above cringy photo.)

Had just ended an extremely toxic 12-year relationship and was still figuring out how to have friends. 

Chemistry fucking SUUUUUCKED and I don’t miss it.

Had a super intense love for Megamind. I saw it minimum of 4 times in theaters and had a major crush on that blue lil nerd. (Began a personal grudge against both Tangled and Despicable Me for taking away its deserved spotlight, a resentment I have not yet gotten past 10 years later.)

Most regrettable 2010 memory: Getting way too intense about a new boyfriend and lowkey abandoning my friends. Not cool.

Most awesome 2010 memory: I have friends from back then I still love and keep in touch with (despite my abandoning them for a bit there). That’s pretty dang awesome.

2011: 

Cringy 2011 photo: High school graduation with one of the most beautiful women in existence. (We’re still friends, and she’s still gorgeous.)

Graduated high school! (Gym fucking SUUUUUCKED and I don’t miss it.) 

Fell in love with the college that was supposed to be a “safety school” and didn’t apply anywhere else, which means I can brag about having been accepted into 100% of the colleges I applied to. 

Started at Ithaca College -- don’t say “it’s gorges,” it gets so old so fast -- and had a miserable first semester and an incredible second. 

Started getting . . . uncomfortably involved in religious groups. (I mean, I’d been doing that since I was a kid, but it got kicked up to 11 in college.)

Most regrettable 2011 memory: Dressed as a “g***y” for Halloween. Fucking yikes.

Most awesome 2011 memory: Figuring out what I want to be when I grow up.

2012: 

Cringy 2012 photo: Modeling first successfully completed knitting project. With bamboo needles because Ithaca is a hippie paradise.

Learned how to knit, entirely out of boredom in long lectures.

Technically started my tumblr experience, though it was only for a few months while I worked through some Shit by being in love with Loki from the Avengers (and THiddleston in general). Stayed on here just long enough to discover Achievement Hunter and Rooster Teeth, and never went back.

Broke up with first-ever Real Boyfriend(TM) and handled it so well I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder.

Got very deep in a religious group at IC, which was . . . not very healthy and could perhaps not inaccurately be described as “cultlike.” (I owe a major apology to everyone who knew me back then; I was very much a major bitch.)

Despite the previous two bullet points, this was the best year of my life up until that point. I lived next door to my two best friends in college, loved my major, and pretty much was confident that I had everything figured out.

Most regrettable 2012 memory: Writing a fan letter to Tom Hiddleston, which included a photo of me and my phone number. I was convinced my charm and wit would totally make him fall in love with me.

Most awesome 2012 memory: Pretty sure this is the year my love affair with RiffTrax began, too. I had a posse and we’d go see live shows together.

2013-2014:

Cringy 2013 photo: A blanket that I made and sent to Jennamarlbes for her dogs, because it was too small for people. Pretty sure it showed up in a video at one point.

Cringy 2014 photo: My awesome college roommates and I dressed up to give out candy to people’s dorms on Halloween. Reverse trick-or-treating: very fun, always recommended.

HA. So much for having anything figured out.

I don’t actually remember much of this period in my life, because I was navel-deep in a major religious crisis that would continue until . . . a couple months ago, basically? There was a lot of freaking out and trying to reconcile culty fundamentalism with the freewheeling pinko that lived deep inside and was trying to break free.

Lots of therapy, though. And med adjustments. Eventually figured out something that worked. Free campus counseling was the bomb though.

I do remember living in an apartment and cooking for myself for the first time, and also playing a lot of tabletop games with my roommates. (Also drinking. Lots of drinking.)

Oh shit, was this when I started that Drunk Librarian blog? I was trying really hard to be The Nostalgia Critic for books (ew), but I remember having a lot of fun with that. That was when my lifelong vendetta against John Green began.

Most regrettable 2013-2014 memory: Did I mention that the blanket I sent to Jenna included a letter? Did I mention that letter included some bible verses I thought she would appreciate????

Most awesome 2013-14 memory: Started a knitting club. It was just like 4 people hanging out and not knitting.

2015:

Cringy 2015 photo: Me being emaciated, makeup-smeared, and proudly showing off a collarbone piercing. That piercing has since rejected, but was in fact cute af.

Graduated college! Summa cum laude, bitches. (And an unfinished minor because I didn’t feel like taking the one (1) class I needed to graduate.)

Started library school and moved back home with parents. That was . . . an adjustment.

Changed library school “majors” halfway through my first year, after a lot of soul searching and panic attacks.

Had a short but catastrophic relationship with a man 9 years older than me (who was my pastor. Awkward). Religious crisis continued.

Got really skinny and hot because I was too miserable to eat. Dyed my hair red for the first time and looked basically like Ariel.

Discovered Party Hard and got really good at killing people.

Remembered how much I fucking love my parents’ dog:

Most regrettable 2015 memory: Being that person who “thought I could change him.”

Most awesome 2015 memory: Did you see how cute that dog is? His name is Oscar, after Oscar the Grouch.

2016:

Cringy 2016 photo: I had this huge thing for 1950s dresses for a while, complete with petticoats.

Grad school continued.

Religious crisis continued.

Therapy happens to deal with Things, is quickly dropped due to money and lack of shrink-chemistry.

Discovered a dumb little web cartoon with a teensy fanbase and no love for my favorite ship. Began work on a fanfic to correct this.

Finished a long-form fanfic for the first time in my entire life.

Virtually abandoned every other fandom to hyperfixate on this for the rest of my life.

Got super political, then super depressed. Quit Facebook because I realized I hate everyone I’m FB friends with.

Discovered Stardew Valley and never got anything done ever again.

Found Tumblr again (needed it to keep in touch with my first-ever beta reader, @raenbowsofficial) and turned into fandom and politics trash.

Most regrettable 2016 memory: Man, was I cocky about that Hillary Clinton winning the election. Oops.

Most awesome 2016 memory: I mean, CAMP CAMP. Obviously.

2017: 

Cringy 2017 photo: My first day of work as a very bisexual-in-denial librarian.

Finished grad school and became a certified librarian (in NYS anyway)!

Got a job at a local college, including my own office!

Shaved half my head!

Moved into my own apartment and adopted a cat, fulfilling a goal over 7 years in the making!

Became friends with two of the most important people I’ve ever met. Visited one of them on a semi-impromptu 9-hour drive to Virginia and met IRL for the first time. First ever all-night solo trip, one of the best days of my life.

This might’ve been the year I got the VFD eye tattooed on my ankle, though I can’t swear to that.

Was part of my first long-form tabletop RPG with friends from college (and friends-of-friends). Was very emotional and also quite gay.

Rediscovered Megamind thanks to excellent fanfiction. That shit is still great.

Currently the best year I’ve ever had. 

Most regrettable 2017 memory: I should’ve attended my graduation from library school instead of deciding it didn’t matter. It mattered a lot.

Most awesome 2017 memory: Seeing the-artist-formerly-known-as-ciphernetics in person.

2018:

Cringy 2018 photo: Um, apparently we don’t get one, because there’s an image limit to these posts. Lame.

Was laid off and took 6 months to find another full-time job. Spent most of that time depression-napping.

Said full-time job lasted 4 months before I ran like my shoes were on fire, because it was morally . . . suspicious and left me borderline suicidal.

Got very fat because I was too miserable to stop eating.

Had to cut my hair so I would look “professional.” Looked like my ex-boyfriend. My mom said I “looked like a Trump supporter.” To-date the meanest thing anyone’s ever said to me.

Moved back in with my parents due to not-having-job-ness (got to bring the cat, though).

Lost parents’ health insurance and had to pay for my own. Discovered health insurance is ridiculously expensive.

Became super left-leaning thanks to the power of Tumblr and Youtube (and possibly that super expensive health insurance thing). 

Writing came to a virtual standstill, though I managed to organize and actually finish participating in all of Gwenvid Week (for the first time).

Two weeks after quitting the job from hell and three weeks after moving back in with the parents, I was offered my old position back. Accepted. Was once again a college librarian.

Most regrettable 2018 memory: Knowing I didn’t want the nightmare job and accepting it anyway. Might’ve been the only choice, but it caused a lot of unhappiness.

Most awesome 2018 memory: The day I was laid off, I hopped on a plane and went to fucking Disney World. Because why not?

2019:

Started work again. Finally (mostly) stopped having panic attacks about being fired/laid off out of the middle of nowhere around 8 months into new job.

Fewer paper cuts than expected.

Accidentally became associated with dinosaurs at work, despite not having any sort of special affinity for dinosaurs.

Did develop a deep and abiding affinity for octopus. Also elephants.

Took cat to doctor. Cat didn’t enjoy doctor. Cat is now 8 lbs. and 14 oz. She is big girl.

Rediscovered the joy of reading again. Newly discovered that mysteries actually can be pretty awesome, and read barely anything else all year. (Personal recommendations: The 7 1/2 Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle by Stuart Turton and Waisted by Randy Susan Meyers.)

So. Many. Youtube. Video. Essays.

Discovered Stardew Valley mods and eventually broke 3k hours of playtime. 

Napped frequently. Panicked less frequently. It’s a step in the right direction.

Most regrettable 2019 memory: This post sure is long and over-share-y, isn’t it? Didn’t even include a cut so you could more easily scroll past my face. Inconsiderate, is what that is.

Most awesome 2019 memory: This one is pretty good. Right now.

2020: 

??? 

Profit.

[mcrmadness]

I was tagged by @froschimbrunnen for this Rammstein themed tag game, thanks! :D

Get to know me in 10 questions. Copy and paste the questions if you’re tagged, or if you feel like it.

Rules: There are no rules. Tag whoever you want. Don’t tag anyone. Tag yourself. You don’t have to answer all of the questions. Do what you please. Have fun.

created by: @vapor-stein

1. I’m curious: when did you discover Rammstein? I started listening to them in 2011 but I have known about them ever since Amerika became internationally popular and it was playing in the radio all the time in 2004. And because Finland is very much into metal music, Rammstein is very popular here too. And my dad has liked them a lot for a very long time so he often showed us their music videos even when I wasn’t into R+ yet.

2. Tell me your story. How did you discover them? Like I said, it was in 2011 when I got interested in them. I have never been into metal music and I always felt that Rammstein is way too metal for me too. But my siblings had got into Rammstein a bit before me and I remember doing German homework with my brother and we were listening to music, Rammstein this time. And the song Amerika was playing and I had known about this song for years and I didn’t find it bad, but also not that interesting. But I still started to feel like maybe I should still give it a try? And after the song comes their song Moskau. And that was it. That sounded actually good. And I asked my dad for the files and started to investigate their music myself and here I am now.

3. Favorite song? It’s difficult to say just one when all the albums are slightly different from each other and each album has its own best song. But I have to say that “Mein Land” is actually the first one to come in mind. I have liked it a lot ever since I heard it for the first time and it still is one of those songs that makes me feel as good as it did then. “Links 2-3-4″ is also a favorite, I really love the march rhytm in songs! And I like “Adios” a lot too, it has great drums and it’s a bit faster song too which is not that typical for them but it works really great. I also like “Zerstören” A LOT. And have to mention “Halleluja” and “Feuerräder”, those are great.

4. Least favorite song? Come on. I know you have one. I have more than one, Rammstein is one of those bands that have REALLY good songs but then also each album has several not-so-interesting songs. I guess everything just needs to be in balance :D But I mainly don’t really care about very slow songs so I often skip songs like “Feuer und Wasser” or “Rammstein”, I’ve also never really been into “Wiener Blut” nor “Stein um Stein” etc., you get the point.

5. Favorite album? Hmmm, this is a tough one. Mutter and Rosenrot have probably the biggest amount of songs that I don’t skip, and I also really like Sehnsucht, but then again I also really loved the 2019 album too, as it’s a very rare one because I don’t skip a single song. And I really like it how it sounds so Rammstein yet so different, and most of the songs have these little details that sound like they would be almost like easter eggs or tributes to their older albums, and that’s super interesting, because the songs still sound like completely new songs! So I think I’m gonna go with “Rammstein”.

6. Least favorite album? Probably not hard to count from here that it’s “Herzeleid” :D It also has some really good songs but most of the time is has a lot less melodies than the other albums and I really love music with lots of melody and layers. I think what appeals to me with this album the most is the rhythm and drums.

7. Something that speaks to you in the deepest sense of the word: a lyric? A specific song? I’m so bad with lyrics (with all bands) that I cannot say anything to this. I guess I have gone through all the songs with English translations when I was bored but I legit cannot remember the stories to more than maybe a couple of songs. I guess “Halleluja” is kinda interesing, and “Mein Land” is very simple what comes to lyrics and I kinda like it how the words go together with the sound so I guess I’m gonna say those. But I don’t have any song that would be somewhat special to me, those are the only ones I can remember now and not even that well.

8. Unpopular opinion: about a member? A scandal? Anything? Not really. I am partially a fan and I own t-shirts and all cds and dvds etc. but I’ve never been SO into them that I’d have spent hours on reading about them. I rarely watch any interviews and mostly I know stuff only if I’ve read it from Wikipedia or from their dvds. I don’t think I have even watched all of the documents ON the dvds, but I believe I have at least seen all the concert dvds :D So I don’t think I have any interesting (nor uninteresting) unpopular opinion.

9. Have you ever seen them live? Tell me what you felt. Lol yes, 4 times so far (all here in Finland). In 2013, 2016, 2017 and 2019 :D The first three were all festivals. And what I felt? Well, for starters: I always feel like dying because of the bass. They almost always (except for last year) start the concerts with the bass going up so slowly you barely notice it, then you just feel like everything is shaking and I start to panic has my heart gone crazy and then I realize it’s just the GROUND shaking. And the 2019 one was even worse and I literally felt like my head was gonna explode because they legit did all they could at making it as loud as possible, I was wearing earplugs but the bass was SO FUCKING LOUD that I’m surprised the stadium even stands anymore. The whole ground was shaking and I’m sure the sound waves kept crashing into the walls and all and making it all shake even more. So it feels very uncomfortable at first and I’d say you don’t really get used to it ever, especially not when being a highly sensitive person. That is actually the worst part for me and I wonder every time why did I go there again when it always makes me feel like I’m dying. Yet I always do that. I guess I’m just stupid.

Anyway, can’t really see a lot because I’m short and there’s so many people always (over 30 000 people at the stadium last year, that’s the same amount of people that live in my town alone o_o), but I still think it’s worth it. Especially last year it was pretty good spot after all because the light show was incredible and if you stand in the front, you definitely are not going to see all that! And the fire is always very interesting because I’m terrified of fire, but somehow in their show it’s fascinating. And fire is such a powerful element because no matter how far you’d be from it, you can still feel the warmth within seconds. The show itself is also incredible, and I cannot wait for them to release this show on dvd so that I’ll actually see the show happening on the stage too, not just the light and fire show :D

10. Do you play any instruments? If you do, can you play any song by them? No I don’t, I used to play piano as a kid but then I stopped for whatever reasons. So no, I can’t play any songs from them, tho if I ever had an electric piano, maybe I could try something. But I’m the most beginner as it gets since I was ~8 when I played and stopped playing the piano.

I think I’m gonna tag @cupcakecurl, if you want to do this one! :)

[ginawesome-blog]

Here is a summary of my weightloss story🧡

I will make another post about how I eat soon🌻

My weight has been an issue for me my entire life. Growing up ive always been the funny fat one who hated physical aticity more than anything. In fact, I could cry my self to sleep if I knew we were going to have gym the next day. I got physically sick if we had mandatory activities.

When I was 15 I found out I have PCOS (cysts on the ovaries, which fucks up your hormones and makes it easy to gain weight and a lot of other stuff) and a nutritionist was going to help me lose weight for the first time. I was 84 kg and ready for change. She gave me a strict diet, telling me what to eat every single day down to the gram. It was horrible and super effektive. I lost 20kg in 5 months, without working out. But I didnt learn anything about how to eat like a normal person and it only worked like a temporary cure. I moved out from home, started "cooking" my own food, started drinking, and so over time I gained 30kg🎉

So there I was. 96kg at162cm. Miserable and unhealthy.

Summer of 2012 I had a power moment. I decided that enough was enough and I joined a gym and threw out all the unhealthy food in my apartment. At the gym I spent 30 minutes on the treadmill and 30 minutes on random machines. I was doing research on how I should eat, tried many different diets and it was effektive. One day  my dear friend Mari showed me how to deadlift, squat and benchpress. And we noticed I was getting strong faster than my friends, and after some time discovered powerlifting excisted. What an amazing sport! Being active, lifting heavy shit, pushing your self and just feeling so strong and confident!

In 2015, after some yoyo weightloss, I contacted @coachsvein aka @styrkebror. Very smart💥 at this point I weighed arround 80kg.

He helped me learn about calories and food og made a workout program for me.  (this is also when I learnt that you dont have to do cardio to lose weight😍)

Summer of 2016 I qualified for nationals. I weighed 70kg. And started thinking about trying to reach the 63kg class and go for the current squat record of 17,5kg. The dream started.

But somewhere a long the road I lost my self. My mind was messed up. Everything was about numbers. My bodyweight, calories, waistline and what I was lifting. I became obsessed and I let these numbers define me as a person.  I was miserable on the inside.

To paint a picture of how bad it was, when I went on vacation to Albania, I got up at 7am every day to go for a fucking run. Even tho ai hated every step. I felt guilty for everything I ate, lifted weights daily and it was just horrible. This is not how a vacation should feel.

I will never forget the feeling when I got home and weighed my self and realised I would not make it to 63kg in time for nationals. I cried for hours and barely got out of bed. I felt like a complete failure.

I took some time off work and tried to pick my self up again.

When i competed in nationals in october 2016 i came in 4th in - 72kg and I was very happy with this. But the dream off 63kg class was still there.

February 2017 at regionals I was 69kg, and not mentally healthy at all. I meal prepped, counted calories, declined social events and would punish my self I thought I ate too much.

March 2017 I found out I was accepted to volunteer in Zambia for a year, where I knew I would have to let go of control. So I started there and then. It felt like a huge weight off my shoulders that I wouldnt have to complete or think about weight.

August 2017 I left for Zambia. 75kg.

Zambia was like a reboot. No one cared about any of my numbers. Gaining weight and being called fat was a good thing. I had to eat what I was given by my host family. I partied a lot. I worked out 4 times a week. I gained another 10kg

So summer of 2018 I came home. I had managed to keep a lot of my strength and I weighed 85kg. I knew I wanted to lose weight again. But this time I was going to do it in a healthy way that would last.

The fact is Ive lost 22 kg since july18, at the same time Ive been keeping my strength and getting stronger in all lifts. Ive eaten candy, chocolate, ice cream or pizza every time I really felt like it. Ive have had one to many beers when I wanted.

and to be honest it hasnt been really hard

Ive focused on the long term weightloss and everyday healthy habits. No calories or cm counted. Tho I have to mention that Im happy I learned how to count it, cause it taught me a lot about what I eat and helped me understand it better. But I never want to do it again.

So what did I do?

🌻Choosing to get enough sleep, aka keep a bedtime, no matter how good that serie on Netflix is

🌻 Walk a lot through out the day, normally arround 15000 steps

🌻Eat a lot of vegetables and fruit, which keeps me full and happy

🌻I eat when I can feel that Im hungry, not when I planned to

🌻 When I choose to eat high calorie food, I make some changes the other part of the day so I dont get way too many calorie. Also I try to never feel guilty. Regret is a choice. I wanted it. I ate it. Its done. Now keep going and make the next choices according to your goal.

🌻I have weighed my self every day, which I think has been so frikkin smart. It has made me more relaxed when the numbers shift, it has showed me the progress over long time, and it has showed me that Im in control, without be coming obsessed.

Now I am stronger than ever. Both physically and mentally.

Like I said, my weight has been an issue for me for my entire life and Im pretty sure it always will be at some level. But it doesnt control me, my decisions, my mood or my life. Yes, there are hard days or moments where my mindset is challenged, but they pass. Cause I work on it.

Im sharing this cause people have told me my honesty has helped in the past. Maybe it can help someone again.

And if you thought this was the longest story of your life, just imagine what @coachsvein has been through for the last 4,5 years. I think ive told him every detail about every feeling regarding these things. He has helped me so much and given so much of his time to me. Free of charge. And I would truly NEVER ever be where I am today if it wasnt for him. Thank you for never quitting on me❤️

Thanks for reading❤️

[dynamic-instability]

In one of my classes we have to write weekly personal narratives about an experience with illness. This week, mine turned into this. It’s probably too personal, and too... immediate?? to turn in to a professor without cutting out a lot of stuff, but not too personal to post online I guess lol

_____________________________

It’s November again.

In 2009 the lights were too bright. Mid-October one morning I woke up to my dad turning on my lights and it was like having to look into the sun while posing for a photo—my eyes wouldn’t stay open, if I forced them to, they couldn’t stay pointed in one direction, they spasmed and hurt. When the light was dimmed, I still saw double. That morning, I showered in the dark, and I remember being scared. They gave me eyedrops that paralyzed my accommodative muscles. In November my pupils were giant discs and I wore reading glasses over sunglasses to look at the computer, and when it was all said and done, the lights were still too bright, and I still saw double.

In 2011 I was tired. There’s fatigue and then there’s fatigue, I learned that Fall. In May of that year I had pulled two all-nighters in a week, and that was the only other time I’d felt this kind of tired, a sensation in about the 30th hour of the second time where it’s like my brain itched. I once saw someone else online describe it as “nausea, but in your head and eyes instead of in your throat and stomach” and that’s the closest anyone else has come to describing it. By November this was happening more and more often. I remember laying down in the corner of the room during a break of Citywide choir and thinking what the hell is wrong with me? I got a cold the next week, and I thought that maybe that was all it was. It wasn’t.

In 2013 I went to the ER for the fifth time in three months of college, and when I wanted to leave before waiting another couple of hours to eventually see a doctor who would tell me once again that they couldn’t do anything to help me, the woman from student life who was there to drive me back to campus made me call my parents on speaker phone and get their permission to leave before she would turn on the car. I had missed more chemistry labs than I could afford to miss without failing, passed out in a voice lesson, was asked by the director to drop out of choir because watching me was distraction when I looked like I was in pain, and if I passed out it would have ruined the concert for everyone. I remember leaving calculus in the mornings mid-class to go to the bathroom and lay on the floor and cry. I remember not being able to lift my hand off the mattress of my dorm room bed. I withdrew from half of my classes on the Tuesday after Thanksgiving, and took the Spring semester off.

In 2014 I had made a promise to myself that I would come back to college full time for that Fall semester just to see if I could do it, and then if I couldn’t I would drop out for good. There was one week where I thought that might be happening. Mid-November. The girls in my dorm had made a fort in the lounge out of sheets and blankets and colorful scarves and I remember laying on the couch through the green-filtered light and feeling the world spin and thinking oh god I still can’t do this. The door opened with a rush of cold air and my friends came in with food for me, since I’d been too sick to go to dinner. They sat with me and helped me with chemistry, offered to type up a paper if I dictated it, told jokes and made me laugh. I took an incomplete in one class, but I passed everything else, just barely scraped through, and came back in January.

In 2015 I just wanted to sleep. I passed out in an elevator and heard familiar voices, concerned voices, as I came to, and I stayed there laying motionless for another minute longer, because as long as I wasn’t awake I didn’t have to keep pushing. I wrote whole pages of completely unreadable ochem notes because my hand wasn’t working any better than my brain, and woke up on the floor and was wheeled out on a stretcher crying. It was dark all the time. My cane slipped on wet leaves and I felt my wrist crunch and there it was, one too many missed organic chemistry labs. I couldn’t stand for an entire choir rehearsal because breathing to sing made me lightheaded. I slept for 16 hours a day. The week before Thanksgiving, I called my mother to tell her I had decided to take another hardship withdrawal, and she sighed. I had applied to transfer schools during my much more optimistic Spring semester and Summer, and the week I left was also the week I found out I’d been accepted.

And so okay now it’s 2019, and it’s October and now November again, semester plan again, dark again. My reading is piling up again, feeling overwhelmed again, laying on my kitchen floor again. But here’s the thing—my health is… fine? Midterm week I didn’t sleep, and yes I passed out twice, but no ER. For the past 18 months, I can count on one hand the number of mornings I’ve been unable to get out of bed because of fatigue. My heart still pounds too hard but my head doesn’t swim every time I sit up. I walk the streets of New York City like mobility has never been a problem. I always take the stairs. My brain doesn’t itch until it’s been 30 hours no sleep.

I couldn’t go to class last week. I lay on the floor of my kitchen and stared up at the ceiling and tried to get up, tried to type out an email to my professors, and I couldn’t do it. I was not too tired. I was not too weak. I was not in pain. I could not move. I try to write and try to write and try to write and the words don’t come. I eat instant oatmeal at 9 PM because I haven’t been to the store in a month. I have lost nearly 15 pounds since moving to New York. I clean the stove for two and a half hours but can’t bring myself to take the dead spider off the side of the bathtub. I check the door lock one-two-three times, pace the floor, sit back down. I do not read Austerlitz. I write a Canvas post for Self and Other but it’s nonsense. I do not write a Canvas post for Accounts of Self. I do not write a Canvas post for Applied Writing. I write a Canvas post for Illness and Disability and somehow forget to post it, the one thing I’ve actually done, because I’m too busy feeling sick at everything I haven’t. I shadow a doctor for the clinical witnessing assignment and everything is fine but when I try to write it up I have a panic attack that leaves me sobbing on my couch and the assignment nine days late and counting. It takes me eight hours to write two pages. I watch 18 hours of YouTube video essays discussing drama about creators I don’t even watch and play a stupid game on my phone for an entire weekend until I’ve spent $25+ in a labyrinth of microtransations and every time I close my eyes I see the moving dots.

In November of 2015 I had three overdue essays for Global Literature, and two more due in the next two weeks. More than half were on books I had not read. My pre-lab wasn’t done for organic chemistry, and I wondered for a moment, if I pretended to pass out, if that would be easier. I stayed up until 4 AM laying on my floor and listening to Hamilton. I was sick, that much is true, but when I felt okay I still sat at my computer and could not bring myself to write.

In 2011 I had so many unfinished assignments for my college-level English class that I resigned myself to failing and I went to school the morning of the final class, but I hid in the stairwell by the choir room until I heard the bell, and I never went back to that class.

2009 was the year my dad stopped being able to yell at me for not doing my homework, because no one, including me, could tell whether it was actually my eyes stopping me.

In 2008 I wrote 6 essays in the 5 days of Thanksgiving break because I had not done any work for Intro to Lit all semester. I pulled it off, somehow, even aced the class because of an unusually lenient late work policy, but what I most remember is the sick feeling of dread as I lay on the floor in the living room staring up at the Christmas tree and feeling invisible sand slip through an invisible hourglass and a vice tightening in my chest.

In 2006 I stayed up almost all night writing a paper and crying my eyes out because I couldn’t find the words to explain to anyone why it had been so impossible for me to get the work done, that I wasn’t being lazy or distracted, I just couldn’t do it. I wasn’t necessarily reading YA novels or watching TV or IMing my friends instead of working, I could sit and stare at a blank word document for 6 hours straight and still it would not get done. Everyone talked about potential, talked about how smart I was, but a gradebook that is half 100’s and half 0’s still averages out to an F. No one, including me, could explain the discrepancy. The logic of that simple math was not lost on me, the knowledge that turning in half-finished or not very good work was mathematically better than not doing it, but that didn’t mean I could do it. Words failed me when I tried to explain the illogic of my particular suffering.

I didn’t hear the term executive dysfunction until I was in my 20s. In retrospect I was tentatively told at 16 that I had “probably some ADHD and OCD”, but that psychiatrist was someone I’d been sent to by a neurologist because he thought she could fix my eyes, and when she said she couldn’t, I stopped making appointments. After I got sick, physically sick, the lines blurred between what was causing what, to the point where even I have no idea. Two of the Novembers missing here are ones I spent at CC, on the block plan where I only took one class at a time. My physical health arguably improved a little after transferring in January of 2016, but mostly it didn’t, not until Spring of 2018 at least. And you can see that evidence in dropped blocks, concussions from passing out onto hard surfaces, a couple of incompletes taken when viral illnesses (or concussions) compounded my other problems. What the block plan changed was the way things pile up, lessened the struggle of constant task switching between classes. (Admittedly, I also had fewer papers when taking mostly science classes. Writing takes much more energy, and it’s much harder to convince myself it doesn’t have to be perfect to be worth submitting.) At CC nothing ever really reached the level of catastrophe. Some of that is purely the ability to drop a single block, meaning when it was my physical health that was the problem, I didn’t lose a whole semester, just one class, then reset. But I should have realized sooner that the block plan wouldn’t account for the level of improvement if my physical health had really been the only barrier.

So we’re back to now. Grad school. November again. Dark again. Semester plan again. Too much writing again. Crushing dread again. Dysfunction again. Panic attack in the middle of the night increasingly elaborate organizing rituals scream of the subway tracks in my mind can’t stop can’t start can’t breathe can’t move burnout again. This time without the explanation of chronic fatigue to fall back on.

I have my tricks, have actually learned somewhat to cope in the past 18 years. Schedules help, break tasks into pieces that are as small as possible. Mindfulness meditation. Forgive yourself when it’s not perfect. Get started with something easy, set a timer for 20 minutes and only work for those 20 minutes and then let yourself stop if you want to (and surprisingly often, you won’t want to, sometimes that momentum is all it takes). If you work better in the night, work in the night, who cares what society says your sleep schedule should be. When switching tasks, physically get up and move to a different location. Allow yourself to procrastinate on work with other work if that’s what you have to do. Delete the stupid games from your phone. One or two missed assignments are not actually the end of the world, if you let yourself view it as piling up, you won’t be able to get anything done, so if you absolutely have to, just move through and move on.

It’s not a catastrophe, this November. It’s a fight, but it’s not a catastrophe. I read Austerlitz and forgive myself for skimming it. I write a Canvas post and forgive myself when it’s only 500 words and doesn’t make complete sense. I read Toni Morrison and Édouard Louis and classmates’ discussion posts about Deaf culture and identity and remember why this matters in the first place, that it’s not just a series of assignments to overwhelm me, it’s a series of interesting complicated exhausting important thoughts and questions. I get it done. Some of it. Most of it. I let myself sleep. I breathe. I remember to be grateful because I can get out of bed in the mornings and take the stairs. I am okay.

[alpacannot]

So, I’m finally getting around to rewriting my Reaper Saga books, with the newly renamed “Reaper”. The past, like, four times I’ve tried to rewrite this book, I’ve always stuck with the same general opening chapter, introducing Tris, her work, and the other characters fairly quickly, allowing them to talk about themselves. This time, I’ve tried for a slightly different approach, which I like more. It took me forever to write it though, partly because I’m rusty (I haven’t written anything fiction related since 2016) and partly because I just wanted to skip to the good stuff. It was tempting to just copy in the original prologue, but I’m super pleased with how this new first chapter is starting. It’s not done, and I haven’t proofed it yet, but I was so excited that I just had to share it. So, without further ado, here’s the first, unedited bit of “Reaper” chapter 1:

“Tristan Sieghard—for crimes against humanity and for exposing the Afterlife, we, the Highers and the Gatekeeper, sentence you to death and eternal damnation in the deepest pits of Hell.” The Highest’s voice echoed throughout the assembly hall as several Runners drug her away from the crowd gathered inside the seemingly far-too-small room. Alex avoided her gaze, his brows pinching together. She wanted to shout out, “You could have stopped this!”, but she knew that she had chosen this. It was her neglect that ultimately caused her downfall. But, at least she was brave enough to act, to seek out justice for their daughter. He was by far the worse parent, choosing to do nothing.

******

I awoke with a jolt, sitting bolt upright and drenched in sweat. The same nightmare haunted me, the screeching of tires across asphalt ringing in my ears. My throat was raw from screaming. Glancing to my right, three blinking red numbers drilled into my eyes—4:27 a.m. “Fantastic,” I muttered, dragging myself out of bed and untangling the mess of slightly damp covers from around my legs. My mouth was dry, and my tongue felt like lead. Scrubbing the sleep from my eyes, I forced myself into the shower, letting the scalding water beat against my back. No pain was enough to drag me into reality though. I sat there, dead to the world, until the water ran cold, after which I pushed myself up and out.

I coiled my curls on top of my head, giving up on looking presentable. The dark bags under my eyes said what my mouth couldn’t: I wasn’t well. I grimaced at my reflection, at my body’s betrayal. Stumbling towards my closet, my numb fingers clutched at my work clothes: black and white and garish red. I looked like a corpse every day, which was ironic considering I spent every working hour turning other people into corpses. As I fumbled with the buttons, I tried once again to desperately return to reality, but the memories clouded my eyes, refusing to let me escape.

Realizing that the day was already a loss but determined to earn my keep in some way, I gradually made my way to the kitchen, poured a cup of coffee, and left my apartment. Locking my door presented everlasting problems for my still unresponsive hands, but I eventually managed to secure my door. Stopping to collect myself once more, I reveled in the silence of the hall. Still, my peace was short lived as the muffled sounds of music rang out from the adjacent apartment. I longed for the effortlessness with which PJ lived his carefree life. I knew that it hadn’t come easy to him—after all, he hadn’t always been this unburdened. He, too, had had his fair share of trauma and regrets. It seemed like everyone here did.

Trudging down the endless, blank hallways, I finally arrived at the front of my department. The room was virtually empty, save the night security guard, who was unsurprised to see me. He barely glanced up from his book, nodded in my direction, and continued reading. It wasn’t unusual for me to be in the office during the wee hours of the morning. The first few days, he was suspicious, but as the days turned into weeks, he stopped commenting on my odd hours. Always the first to arrive and the last to leave—not because I was an overachiever, but because work was safe. When I went home, my mind was cut lose, free to torment me.

I flicked on the lights, illuminating the long stretch of cubicles. Even during normal working hours, the desks were usually devoid of people—overflowing with paperwork, but not a single living soul in sight. I ruffled through the stack of reports on my desk, mostly reference files that had yet to be signed off and returned to the Keepers. Grabbing my pen, I began to furiously sign any remaining legal work, tucking the death certificates in the back of their respective manilla folders. Neatly stacking the completed files in the outgoing basket on my desk, I rang for a Runner and sat back as I waited for their arrival. As expected, they were waiting in front of my desk in a matter of seconds.

“Two Pink Card files today. The rest are all Blue Card.” The Runner nodded and whisked away the folders, disappearing from view in a flurry of fabric and papers. I ran a hand through the tangle of still-damp curls that had slowly begun their escape from the knot on the top of my head. Now what am I going to do? The new files won’t come in for another hour at least, I thought. As if on cue, Alex came striding through the glass doors.

“Another early day?” he asked, as if this wasn’t a common occurrence.

“Of course. Just like every other day.” With an unusual grace for someone so large, he sat on my now empty desk, folding his long legs. He took up the whole space, making my already cramped office even tinier. I had never felt more miniscule. His long, thin fingers tapped rhythmically on his biceps, drawing attention to the muscles there. If I didn’t know him better, I would have thought he was trying to intimidate me.

“What about you? What are you doing here so early, Alex?” I narrowed my eyes at him.

“You know, the usual. Pink Card Keepers never rest.”

I choked back a laugh, but it sounded like a strangled animal. “Are you kidding? Pink Cards only cover what Yellow and Blue Cards don’t, which has been like next to nothing these days.” His eyes tightened at the corners—I’d struck a nerve for sure. Just like that, he relaxed, returning to his usual joking self.

“Well, I was called in early this morning—two new Pink Card only files were brought in a few minutes ago. I wonder who could have sent them in?” I feigned innocence, but I felt bad for waking him up. I wasn’t sure why those files couldn’t wait until normal hours. I had just assumed that they’d wait on someone’s desk until everyone else clocked in.

“Sorry about that. I didn’t know they would wake you up for them—they’ve never done that before?”

“It’s fine. You know how anxious they are to get Pink Card work wrapped up, especially dangerous people like those two. The sooner the paperwork is done, the sooner HR can get them in Hell and away from all the innocent souls.” He paused, waiting for me to react, but my numb brain wasn’t truly processing anything. “Well, I better get to work then. Those files aren’t going to seal themselves.” With that, he turned to leave. At the double doors, he stopped, looked back, and winked at me before continuing on his way.

Hours later, other Reapers started filing in. Today’s files were brought by the Runners, although I’d barely noticed them. Honestly, the Runners were like phantoms—there one minute and gone the next. Opening the first packet, I skimmed over the list of humans I would be Reaping today: Bethany Jones—Blue Card, Amanda Howard—Blue Card, Lydia Ramirez—Yellow Card. The list went on and on. No one in particular stood out to me, and I grimaced—today’s Reaping wouldn’t take me but a few hours. I would be home alone with my thoughts for a majority of the work day.

PJ strode in, interrupting my stream of melancholy thoughts. His curly hair was slightly disheveled, a lazy smile on his face. “Whatcha’ think about today’s Reapings?” he asked.

PJ was in charge of assembling the list of Reapings and preparing the proper paperwork—as long as the files were within his level of clearance. PJ was relatively new to this work still, stagnating at Blue Card Keeper since graduation. Together with Chris, my designated Yellow Card Keeper, and Alex, PJ was my behind-the-scenes crew. On the off chance that I worked extended assignments on Earth, he got to read my reports and add them to that person’s file, but I hadn’t worked an extended assignment in years. In fact, I wasn’t sure PJ ever saw the other’s when prepping my work. During extended assignments, he would work closely with Chris, but I wasn’t sure the two had ever actually met before. In fact, I hardly ever saw Chris.

PJ snapped his fingers at me, drawing me from my internal monologue. “Are you listening? I asked what you thought about today’s Reapings.” I shook my head, forcing myself to focus.

“I’m a little bummed out actually. I don’t see anything that will keep me working for very long today, so I’ll be going home early. Which I know sounds great to you considering you’ll be here late working on the files because almost all of them are Blue Card, but it’s a real downer for me,” I explained when I saw him opening his mouth to protest. He grinned at me.

“You owe me. Dinner tonight. Your place. I want to talk to you about this new guy I met the other day!”

“If it’s a new love interest, I’d love to hear about it, although I’m a little miffed about cooking. However, since it’s a short day for me, I suppose I can make dinner tonight. Now get out of here—I have work to do, and so do you.” I playfully swatted at him. PJ always brought out the best in me and made it easier for me to shake off my early morning melancholy.

“See you tonight!” he called out as he all but skipped through the doors.

[coolknowledgeispower]

Social dictators Cristiano Ronaldo- El Rey

It’s very important to comprehend the magnitude of social influence and how SOME people take charge whilst others remain in a herd. This is not to say that the herd do not have the power to wake up, they certainly do. It is not a person’s fault to idolize another person, it is the extent to which that person will go to make this idolized person different from him/her. That is important.

Social dictators, especially in the 21st century, dictate and work in cohesion with brands to sell their products. They are the medium- social media is an instrument to relay the message. We have multiple biases and one goes by the name of, association, which is within our psyche. Stereotypes are one of these associations, and with the work of social dictators, the public makes a connection/association with their products and thus consume more of their goods. For example, Cristiano Ronaldo’s partnership with Nike. Cristiano is widely popular and his success in the football world has given him access to lucrative deals with other brands. Ronaldo according to Business Insider generated 500 million dollars in value for Nike from his social media properties in 2016. He also received a billion-life pact contract in 2016. We will also be evaluating his present-day scores; previous statistics were recorded in 2017. . His accumulation of prosperity and attention, success in having his own shoe line and sales that come from it, this is a stem that is the root of this contract.

Ronaldo reached 262 million followers on all his socials: 120 million followers on Facebook-fact; 122 million as of 2019, falling below Facebook at number 1 with 214 million likes, and 2nd Samsung at 160 million likes. Checked it myself as of 9/28/19 at 10:30 A.M. This is amusing. There is no other human with such followers or likes until 7th place. And of course, Shakira with 100 million likes. Big entities such as Real-Madrid at 4th, not surprised there.

Real Madrid is a historical city and team; however, they had not won the prize that every team in every European league is eyeing. The Champions League, since the 2001-2002 final. Ronaldo has 4 UEFA (Union of European Football Associations)Champions League titles under his belt. 3 won in a row. He also won 15 trophies in his time in Real Madrid from 2009-2018. In the football realm, its either Ronaldo or Lionel Messi, who is also considered one of the best in the world. I would say many people know Ronaldo because of his large following and possibly because he knows English, he is able to connect to more people. But that is just a bias I could be showcasing.

Transitioning back to his socials: Twitter followers equal to 80.1 million followers and Instagram 185 million followers. Now, the projections of 2017 statistics said 262 million followers in the social sphere. 2019 accumulative as of today, 387.1 million followers. Mind-boggling, Nike understands the height of Ronaldo’s success, furthermore. According to Forbes, Niall McCarthy reiterates on the fact that Juventus benefitted before Ronaldo had arrived to the club. The bare news that circulated after the transfer was accomplished, saw Juventus share increase by 40 percent. Consequently, Juventus socials were flooded by 1.5 new million followers in one day. Business Insider, reported 520,000 Ronaldo Jerseys sold in 24 hours. That is worth 62.4 million in revenue and the football clubs receive 10-15 percent of the revenue, so Juventus got about 6-9 million dollars.

Ronaldo has an influence wherever he goes. You can say that money does fall from his tree. 2 years ago, Ronaldo posted 347 pictures that included the Nike logo or mention, and this generated 477 million interactions.

This is a transaction of social influence into monetary power.

Ronaldo has amassed quite a following, let us try to understand why that is from a psychological perspective/philosophical perspective.

 Medium is the Message

Marshall McLuhan in his interview, recorded in 1977. “…When you trigger these vast media that we use, you are manipulating an entire population…” We have different avenues to lose ourselves into provided by the big corporations. In George Orwell’s famous book 1984. His belief was that the practice of hedonism was on the rise through a consumable western society. We have different brands and they each have customers. This in turn would decrease the freedom of western societies. The impediment of freedom to venture towards self-reflection, our leisure time spent in finding ways to better society, Theodor Adorno from the Frankfurt School explains this well. The School of Life on YouTube goes in-depth with this notion. Becoming the herd, rendering individuality by a consumable collective. This is what I call the matrix. Orwell believes this nature in society(hedonism) makes people less resistant to change, Aldous Huxley-in his book Brave New World had his own interpretation: this could be used as a tool to oppress, Academy of Ideas on Youtube explains, “… because people will willingly forgo freedom for sensory pleasure and endless consumption, ‘ (side note- one quotation mark is input from the understanding put forth, carry on) bringing us back to Ronaldo’s influence by the number of followers he has’… if a society can be structured so that people can devout much of their time to pursuing pleasures, gratifying materials wants and even drugging themselves to escape reality...” There was a lot of worry about how the future of technological/ media improvements would have on the masses, used as a tool to spread ideological thoughts whilst unknowingly becoming part of a system. If you’re to respond to this paragraph sir, what would you say, ‘Well, this is true. I believe we should understand the pessimistic side of situations and find a solution to these circumstances. Although association and grouping of people are in our DNA as we are social beings, we cannot escape if one is not willing to. Furthermore, one needs to be strict with oneself, abide by some rules, discipline. A few philosophies I like to follow are stoicism and epicureanism. These thoughts on the way of life have stopped me from getting lost in the sauce/illusion. In addition, it’s also important to understand, these media have created different approaches in making money, and some capitalize on it, and it’s a bonus when one is being successful.’

Group Psychology

Edward Bernays developed a theory called group psychology. In his book, Propaganda, released in 1928 *clears throat* ‘the minute people who have a deep sense of knowing how to control the masses through symbols and manipulation of habits... a constitution of people who control a country’. Bernays developed complex manipulation techniques used by companies to sell products. Sigmund Freud thoughts on group psychology, “concerned with the individual man as a member of a race, of a nation, of a caste, of a profession, of an institution, or as a component part of a crowd of people who have been organized into a group of at some particular time for some definite purpose.” Group Psychology tries to understand the psychology of people once they are branded as a group, the habits, thoughts, behaviors, how do they alter once involved in a crowd.

There was a survey done reported by Business Wire, it was working around the understanding of group psychology. Customers are influenced more by influencers than the brand itself. I remember watching a video of an influencer, and he was saying that. His followers do not purchase products in the ads that he puts on his videos, but rather products that he uses genuinely in his life.  In the United States and United Kingdom, influencers have had an impact on how consumers’ purchase:  “44 percent of all respondents said they have considered purchasing a product or service based on a social influencer post; 31 percent said they have already purchased a product or service based on an influencer post, and 24 percent said they have recommended a product or service based on an influencer post.”

 I’m ready to gobble all your feedback, toodles

[diegoalvesisgod]

Top 5 Ostrava games ?

Ummm, that’s hard. It’s not like I remember entire games, rather I remember that something special happened during them. This will be long, btw. I love my stories.

1. Ostrava - Znojmo (May 2017) - Back to the 1st League

I don’t even know why this one is my favorite. But it was the first match since 2004 (our title year) that was an opportunity to celebrate something. We got relegated for the first time in nearly 70 years, and our club was just done. Done. Then we got a new owner, and a very, very controversial coach (who actually spent some time in a mental asylum because he got addicted to gambling during his time in Petersburg, yeah). And this coach came and looked everyone in the eyes and said “We’ll be back in the league in a year.” We were pretty traumatized from all the years prior to that, and we were like “Ha ha ha, okay, maybe five years.” But no. The year in the 2nd league was a fairy tale. Imagine witnessing a phoenix being reborn, that’s how it felt. We drove through it so smoothly, and were holding onto the 2nd place (Olomouc were still kind of another level) comfortably... except then... we choked. We lost a 9 points advantage we had over Opava, and here we are, playing our last match against Znojmo, and it’s win or die. And what’s with the daring predictions, a player who is no top scorer by any means says before the match: “There’s no way we’re losing this.” and we are like “Suuuure, boy.” Guess what, this boy scores the first goal. And I’m like “Boy, you score another and I’m taking off my shirt.” He effin’ did, so I’m on the tribune jumping in my bra, waving the shirt above my head (I said if he scored a hattrick, I’d take off the bra as well, but that didn’t happen). Anyways, we win, and the speaker goes: “Please, don’t run on the pitch, the players will come to celebrate later on the parking lot...” Bitch, I wanna be with my boys - he wasn’t done speaking when I was jumping over that fence, and the security were of course very chill (because you’re not stopping 5 thousand people who have decided to have a party on the pitch). We also had the celebration on the parking lot, don’t worry. Free beer and all. I don’t drink beer, but it was nice of them.

2. Ostrava - Sparta Prague (April 2018) - Beating Sparta at home after 10 years

Okay, so Sparta is our biggest rival. Some might say it’s Opava, and I get it, because we fight over who is the king of Silesia (WE ARE), but we really don’t like Sparta. We’re not friends with Slavia either, but it’s not hate, and we don’t really give a damn about the other two Prague clubs, Dukla and Bohemians, but we hate hate hate Sparta. You go from our club to Sparta and you’re dead. Or you’re not dead, but Milan Baroš has to vouch for you saying “please, dear fans, he’s just a stupid child, he didn’t know what he was doing, don’t kill him!” and hold you around your shoulders, and then you have to have a long talk with the fans, wait a couple months, and score some goals, and then we will maybe forgive you and take you back (that’s what my favorite did - stupid, stupid boy). Anyway, we usually don’t beat Sparta. And especially not at home - it hadn’t happened in 10 years before this match. BUT THEN IT DID. We were leading TWICE, but then it was 2:2. And in the 86th minute Milan fucking Baroš scored the 3:2 goal with his head. The stadium EXPLODED. It was insane. We didn’t even know what was happening, it was so intense. The ref of course gave Sparta like an hour of prolongation, because it’s Sparta. It was terrible. We couldn’t even sit anymore, we just stood there, and I think we sang our anthem, and then I prayed Our Father over and over again (I do this a lot at football matches, sometimes the whole rosary when I can’t take the nerves anymore because it calms me down), and then came the final whistle, and I just fell on my seat and started to cry hysterically. I literally couldn’t calm down. It was so beautiful, and I’ll remember it until I die.

3. Ostrava - Slavia Prague (September 2018) - Winning in 10

It was a nice, sunny day, a match against Slavia like any other (which means we were bound to lose, because, hehe, Slavia is a different level *whispers* money). But things got crazy. Crazy crazy. It’s the 10th minute, and Milan Baroš commits a foul. Um, yeah, he does, let’s admit that. An elbow. The ref gives him a yellow. But then, the 4th ref (who can’t set his foot in this city anymore) tells him to go consult VAR. He does. And gives Milan a red card. Milan being Milan (I swear to you, he’s the sweetest person off the pitch... but on the pitch, he’s a monster) tells the ref something along the likes of “You fucked up the match, you fucking c*nt!” and other things, during his approximately 3 minutes long rant prior to leaving the pitch (he got a 6 match ban after that, that’s how bad that rant was). We are in 10, we don’t have our top player, and we think that we are royally fucked. NO. The team decides that they will FUCKING WIN THIS FOR MILAN. The crowd decides that we will HAUNT SLAVIA TO THEIR GRAVE. The remaining 80 minutes are hell on earth. They never, never stood a chance. We massacred them. The crowd was so hyped, like, I was so hyped that I could have killed someone. If Milan Baroš showed up on the tribune and told me to kill the ref or one of the Slavia players, I’d probably jump onto the pitch and strangle them with my bare hands. If you don’t know what deindividuation in a crowd is, that was it. It was so intense that even our coach got sent off - our coach is a former teacher and he literally never gets mad or violent or anything, but he was sent off. We won 2:1. Nobody knows what happened here. Everyone was traumatized. And we will surely be telling our children and grand-children about this match.

4. Ostrava - Zlín (February 2016) - Winning for Pavel

Okay, this match wasn’t special in terms of football (I don’t remember anything that happened on the pitch), but I’ll always remember it. It was the match where we said goodbyes to our former goalkeeper, Pavel Srniček, who died in December 2015, actually a day after my birthday. I attended the traditional “New Year’s Eve Match” that is played every year, and that year it was on December 27th, and Pavel was already in hospital, and we were chanting his name there and sending positive energy. I couldn’t even imagine that day that he would be gone in two days. It was even harder for me because we played tennis at the same club, always in the early mornings in the same hall, neighboring courts, and we would exchange balls that flew over the net separating the courts and laugh all the time - it was just a constant in my life, that thing you just really feel isn’t there when the person is gone. Anyways, this match was the first match home we played since his death, and the club made a video homage to him that they played in half-time on the big screens. As I was standing there watching it, tears rolling down my cheeks, an elderly man was passing through the stands, and he just stopped and clipped me on the shoulder, and walked away - a moment I’ll remember forever. This was the season we got relegated, and we lost literally everything we could have lost, but this match we won 3:0, out of the blue. Look at this:

Strange, right? I’m probably the thickest person when it comes to spiritual stuff, I’m the first one to tell you things like that don’t exist, but that day, I simply felt that Pavel was there with us. He was there and nobody will convince me it’s not true.

5. Ostrava - České Budějovice (February 2013) - Milan Baroš’s Comeback

This was the match when Milan Baroš came back to Ostrava after 11 years. Which made me feel very old, too, since unlike the excited kids around, I remembered when he left. Ahem. I don’t even remember the score, I think it was a draw, but it was freezing cold (February, eh) and the staff had to literally clean 1 meter of snow from the pitch and the stands (open stadium, where half of it didn’t have roof, so), and there were piles of snow everywhere. Which we promptly used to make snowballs and throw them at the opponents when they were about to take corner kicks... it was fun. We had a special presentation for Milan, and I had a picture of it, but I can’t find it now. Anyways, I like the memory of this one.