#why tf is it so difficult to be normal and do what i'm supposed to do for once ffs....

[nsk96]

Personal rant:

So I just found out that my mom plans to get the house fogged this weekend. When tf was she gonna tell me?!! The morning of? I have an exam next week!

Whenever we have to get the house fogged for the gnats that only she can feel, I have to cover everything in my room that I don't want to get messed up because the chemical used leaves a residue. And since I can't be in the house when the fogging happens, I have to also secure any of my precious belongings and anything I don't want my dad to have access to because I will have to leave my bedroom open for this. This takes so much time.

Also there's the chocolate on my bedroom floor to worry about (because I have nowhere else to store it and my mom must store it in my room or else my dad may steal it and give it to his secret lover or he may just poison it 🙃).

And if that wasn't bad enough, the residue left behind makes it more difficult for me to breath so that means when the fogging is done, I have to clean every surface in my room if I hope to breath normally again. I don't even know what to do about my plushies and anime figures. This shit is time consuming, time I don't have because I have an exam and group case next week, and once those are done, I have the pinning ceremony to prepare for. Then after that, I have to spend the only break I have before rotation starts, on doing continuing education to renew my pharm tech certification!

"I have to do what I can to survive" my mom said. Well I should have done what I could to survive which was to move out when I had the chance so I wouldn't have to deal with this shit. And she would have the audacity to say that I don't tell her how I'm feeling but I express how stressed out I am about everything all the time.

But all she sees is that I get through it and then afterwards she just forgets what I had to put up with. One time she was like "I know you been through so much that's why I'm proud of what you've accomplished" while in the same conversation, saying that I never told her what I was experiencing (even though I told her every detail as it was happening). Her "I'm proud of you" just feels like empty words when they're followed by her diminishing my experience and invalidating my feelings.

Earlier she came home with groceries around 12pm, because she had to go on her lunch break. I was taking my vitamins so I didn't come help her. She made a fuss about me not helping her and I told her I'm taking my "vitamins". She said "well I didn't even take my medicine yet" (to guilt me and for what reason? What's done is done). She did some more rambling and said "I didn't even eat breakfast."

She just has to make it about her. Didn't consider that my hands are clean and I don't want to drop everything. I have medicine to take too and I was already late at taking them. I'm on topiramate for migraines; I can't be late with that shit. What if I was in the middle of studying? She still expect me to drop my studying to come help with the groceries like I always do? I'm on a time crunch right now.

Also, it's not my fault she didn't have breakfast. Am I supposed to make her breakfast every single day? I try to make her food to help her out but it can't be an everyday thing I have my own things to do. She's a vegetarian who doesn't eat egg while I'm not. It's not always easy making breakfast for the two of us especially in the situation we live in where I can't trust half the food in our fridge.

I hardly got any studying done this week because I had the OSCE exam Monday, then doctor's appointment Tuesday, then mom wanted to go to the bank on Wednesday. Then having to deal with emails in between trying to get a grade fixed and figuring out what I need for my rotations. I'm beyond exhausted that I couldn't even focus on anything this week despite my best efforts. Falling asleep at my study desk 5 minutes into the lectures that I'm trying to study for the exam and the group case for next Monday.

This is why I should have moved out. I wouldn't have to worry about all of this shit if I just lived by myself and could control how much I see my family. Maybe I'd actually want to be around my family more if I was allowed the space to have peace. I'm so tired of struggling in school and getting below average grades when I know I can thrive if I just had a chance to feel safe and not be exhausted from living in this environment.

And I still have my laundry to do. Can’t do it if we fog the house 😮‍💨

[callmelexy]

"Let not your love become attachment, nor your hate become destruction."

-Umar Ibn Al-Khattab

23.10.2021

They say when a negative experience occurs in your life, we physically and mentally hit a rough patch. Letting my last relationship go is still hard, kind of like a burning house. I'm sitting in the house, i don't want to leave and it's burning me. The question is... Do I let myself die here? Or do i run?

The obvious answer is running... Right? Run from danger. Run from the job you dislike. Run from the relationship you don't want to be in. Run from whatever feelings you don't like. But the burning house is in my head. The self that is burning is not a physical being. I don't feel like running. I don't want to cope, but facing the pain is very difficult too. So... Do I let myself die here?

The thing about negative experiences is that they often bring out the worst in people. Imagine getting into an accident, the victim will (most likely) be angry. As the victim vents his/her frustrations, the "hitter" would likely take it... But if the victim berates him to a point / crosses a boundary, the "hitter" would likely strike back. Which puts into perspective, we don't know where the boundaries with people lie. That's a trial and error scenario.

But what about the boundary with yourself? Where is the line between your normal/nice/tame self and your evil/angry/demonic side? And to add one more question, have they befriended each other or is the evil/angry/demonic self (shadow self) caged?

Yknow sometimes we just snap from something. That's the shadow self that pops up. We don't like it. We probably hate it, in fact. Because we've been told all our lives to be good, to be kind, to be nice. But we're human, filled with complex histories and childhoods... There are triggers that bring them up. And for me, my failed relationship and my suppressed childhood memories brought out my shadow self. I call my two side, Empath Alex and Angry Alex.

Empath Alex is sweet. She's kind. She loves to give love. She doesn't think receiving love is important. She believes she is an endless well of love though. She protects people, especially those she thinks needs it. She believes love is enough and that should negate everything else. She pours so much love out and everyone seems to like her.

Angry Alex is tough. She sees a goal, aims for it and does whatever it takes to get it. When you give her a problem, she tends to see solutions fast. She dislikes non-genuine people. She will call out your bullshit. She is everything Empath Alex is not.

Empath Alex hates Angry Alex. Because the love supplied by Empath Alex burns away when Angry Alex receives it.

Angry Alex hates Empath Alex. Because why tf would Empath Alex think the whole worlds suffering belongs to her and she needs to "save the world". Exhausting shit mann.

What is the divine line between them though? My need to be people pleasing. My craving for love. My wanting of attention.

What is their commonality though? They both want love.

--

Hello, Angry Alex. Hello, Empath Alex. Welcome to the world.

I've gotten good at hiding Angry Alex. She usually comes out if i trust the environment/people around me. Which is rare. Yes, you read that right... I rarely trust. I have lived my life believing in my love but i have never trusted my love or anyone else's. Because that to me, for the longest time, meant giving my power away.

Yet, i sit here, in my room, this evening... Realising that Empath Alex and Angry Alex are suppose to be friends. They are not two separate entities. They are one person. They have one common want.

There's a Chinese saying that goes "小丑竟然是自己" which means "The Clown was actually myself". Because I have gotten so used to putting away Angry Alex when Angry Alex isn't a bad person. I've essentially clowned myself into thinking she didn't exist. And that puts me in more harm than good.

Empath Alex is wonderful but she needs to be balanced out by Angry Alex. Both of them are Alexandrea. Alexandrea is a whole person. Or at least, starting today, will try to be. Alexandrea will have love to give but will also, receive. Alexandrea would have self-love and self-respect to say no and establish boundaries to keep myself safe.

Suppressing that side of me only made me unhappier. I am exhausted, in fact. Because life is about balance.

Which makes me believe that in order for us to walk the straight path like Jesus Christ, Nabi Muhammad PBUH or Buddha (which i know is highly impossible but we should aim to be these wonderful, righteous people), we have to make peace with the "evil" or "satan" within us. Because that's true morality. It's knowing you can be an evil/demonic being but choosing to do the right thing.

But it's also knowing that "doing the right thing" is subjective, it's what brings you peace. In some sense, it's the "niat" or intention behind it. So perhaps the real question to ask ourselves when we're in the depths of hell / experiencing something negative is not "What do i do now?" Because highly likely, you know what to do. Maybe the real question is "What are my intentions behind what I want to do?".

And when we know our intentions are good and true, we do it. If there is even a drop of evil, we shouldn't. Because... "Let not your love become attachment, nor your hate become destruction."