#wilson and cuddy try not to get off on house's dependency challenge: impossible

[malaiz]

why cuddy/house has me crashing out

(essay) (ravings of lunacy) (help me)

at the beginning of s7, house told cuddy that their relationship would never work. he was right. but why?

because house's relationship with lisa cuddy is exactly the same as the relationship he had with his father.

cuddy is, for lack of a better word, a god to house. she's the reason he has a job, a place to live, access to drugs, meaningful relationships (with his employees + wilson). she directly or indirectly provides him with everything that keeps his life from being a living hell. she gives house roof over his head, and expects house to follow her rules in return. in every other way (every emotional way), she neglects him. punishes him when he tries to act on his own. see the parallels?

house, while not aware of it, completes the dynamic agonizingly well. while he pushes back just enough to make himself feel in control, he always submits when it matters. and in his own sarcastic, explicit, fucked-up way he's constantly seeking her approval, which he never gets. (if anything, his attempts to disrespect or objectify her are a pathetically obvious allusion to how much of a hold she has over his life. it's his defense mechanism).

this cycle of subconsciously seeking approval and love while outwardly projecting misanthropy started when he was a child. he never got the love/acceptance he needed at home, so he carried it with him. it's his biggest flaw. because as much as he doesn't want to believe he needs anyone or cares what they think, he does. childhood trauma (cptsd) is a bitch. he's just seeking positive attention after years of abuse and neglect.

clearly, it isn't working.

in the crane episode, house reached his breaking point. as much as he tried to do what everyone else told him to do over and over again, all it led to was everyone else being happy, not him. he treated people well. made their lives easier. he did what wilson wanted him to do, what cuddy wanted him to do, what his father wanted him to do. in return, he got nothing. he sacrificed so many parts of himself to fit the mold, and wilson still kicked him out. cuddy still rejected him. his patient still died. it's almost like whether or not he listened to his parents colleagues, they abandoned him all the same.

it didn't work. ignoring his own instinct never worked. betraying himself over and over again was never going to make him happy, and he knew that! he was going to heal! he was finally going to start caring about himself before anyone else! sure, it would suck. he would lose people. he would be an addict. but ironically, he would have escaped the cycle! this was his chance at freedom. happiness.

and then cuddy shows up.

try to imagine you're house. you've tried so hard to follow the ten commandments your whole life, to be good enough for the people who control you to finally love you. praying to god every night with only a silent sky and darkness and more pain to show for it.

you've realized it's hopeless, meaningless, impossible. your father was never going to love you. cuddy was never going to love you. maybe, maybe, you just need to show some love to yourself.

suddenly, god shows up in your apartment and cares for you and loves you and has sex with you because oops! they were just so busy with all those rules that they didn't realize how perfect you were all along! they've always loved you, just- shrug- it was an accident!

^(try to figure out which one house actually believes)

house can't even tell cuddy that he loves her back!

now, don't let me forget miss lisa. the one who ignored his endless neediness over and over again until he finally told her he hated her and was done chasing her. it pissed her off! she liked the attention! so she gets revenge.

by making house cut off the leg of a woman who is a near-perfect replica of himself; making house betray himself and everything he believed. by making him listen to her.

she broke him.

to save a woman's life! because she's the benevolent kind of god who saves people and gives pain-riddled drug addicts a job in return for their loyalty and submission. who rewards them when they torture a woman by sawing off their limbs just because she told them to.

"you make me a better person."

that's what she told house in the beginning of their relationship. and it's true! technically! showing mercy towards house makes her a good person, and it makes her feel powerful. (i don't even want to get into her telling house that he needs to "let go" because he "makes everyone around him miserable" when she's the one who chooses to keep him on a leash)

when cuddy found him on the floor, about to relapse, all she did was leave a physical mark on something she already knew was hers. fed a starving, shivering, beaten dog the manna of heaven. not sustenance, not a blanket, not warmth. just another false promise of love.

she locked him outside (slept with lucas), held him down in freezing water (told him she would never love him and that he made her miserable), and suddenly decided to let him back in. to save him!

jk. it was just to keep him begging at her feet. to ensure he would never try to leave or change or think for himself again.

(she 'loves' him, he 'loves' her, and neither of them know what 'love' is)