347-emeraldbitch - Tumblr blog

[347-emeraldbitch]

Percy: *still drunk* William!!! Come pick me up please. I am incarcerated. Cousin Sirius says hello.

Bill: Percy!!! What happened.

Percy: We were involved in a drunk pub fight. We won but the prize was jail.

Bill: I’m coming little brother!!!

Percy: I knew I could count on you!!! Cousin Sirius says cousin Regulus will give you directions and a snack. Cousin Sirius is a mean drunk.

Bill: This is the most exciting thing to happen all month. I’m so proud of you.

Percy: Please do not tell our younger siblings. I want to keep the little dignity I have left.

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Percy: Whenever I’m mad at them, I mix Fred and George’s things up. They think the other took them and fight.

Bill: Percy!!! You menace!!!

Percy: They’re too busy going at it to fight us instead.

Charlie: You are a genius!!! No wonder it’s been so peaceful!!!

Percy: As their patient zero, I too deserve some joy.

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Sirius: My mother was almost born at Hogwarts.

Percy: I beg your pardon??!!!

Sirius: Yes, teenage pregnancy. All three of my maternal grandfather’s children.

Regulus: I think grandmother was young with auntie Lucretia too. Same year as mama.

Sirius: Then there’s uncle Cygnus and Andromeda too!!!

Percy: Oh my fuc—

Sirius: Teenage pregnancy really kicked this family’s arse!!!

Regulus: One more year cousin Leo!!! Do not fall to temptation!!!!

Percy: Please stop.

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Fred & George: Would you like us to teach your old place of employment a lesson?

Percy: Oh wow!!! Misdemeanor only. Felonies are tricky and mother won’t let me borrow the family lawyer.

Fred & George: Say no more!!! Nothing too illegal coming right up!!!

Percy: I like this, us working together.

Fred & George: 🥰🥰🥰

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Regulus: *holding the portrait* Little nephew, meet my auntie Dorea and her husband Charlus.

Harry: Hello. It’s very nice to meet you.

Regulus: Charlus Potter, your grandfather’s cousin.

Harry: OHHHH!!! Hello anutie!!! Hello uncle!!! 🥰

Portrait Charlus: This is the most Potter child I have ever seen!!! It’s a delight to meet you sweet nephew.

Regulus: You can keep this one alright. He loves to answer questions.

Harry: *teenage angst breaking* Thank you 🥺

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Ginny: I’m taking one of the portraits with me to Hogwarts.

Percy: Which one? Cousin Regulus has favorites.

Ginny: Great-Aunt Cassiopeia and Dorea. They know the most interesting spells.

Percy: A good choice. I am partial to our great-grandfather’s portrait. He used to be a solicitor. Very colorful advice.

Sirius: *watching from the shadows* That’s my favorite portrait.

Regulus: *watching from the shadows* I cannot wait to hear our aunties criticisms and comments!!!

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Regulus: Cousin Leo!!!

Percy: Wow, we really are going with that? OKAY, yes cousin.

Regulus: Since your uproot at work, and it is not even remotely your fault!!! Honestly, his coworkers knew the man a decade longer than you and they had no clue anything was amiss—

Percy: COUSIN. Thank you for your support but what did you want to tell me?

Regulus: Oh yes, apologies. Have you thought about starting a blood feud or any form of curse on the those in the ministry that wronged you? I loath the minister so he can be a good start? My great-aunt has this amazing little black book full of secrets. It has come in handy many times for myself.

Percy: Cousin Regulus, what’s your middle name?

Regulus: Arcturus, like my paternal grandfather. Why do you ask? Do you want one too?

Percy: It all makes sense.

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Regulus: Cor Leonis, Pollux, Castor, Alrescha, Denebola—

Sirius: What are you doing???

Regulus: Giving the children proper names. Do you think my nephew would like to add Rasalas to his name??? It means —

Sirius: I know what it means. No Reggie.

Regulus: How can they be members of the family if they don’t have a constellation somewhere in their name??!!!!?!!!

Sirius: Absolutely not!!!

Regulus: They can just add it to the end!!! Sirius!!! This is a serious situation!!!

Sirius: You would be the one to ruin that joke!!!

Regulus: I will not take no for an answer!!! Cousin Percy is partial to some form of Leo. He’s the oldest so he can have first pick.

Sirius: I hope Molly Weasley hears this!!!

Regulus: I’m not afraid of her!!! I fight with the nastiest family portraits for fun!!!

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Sirius: Oh my fucking god!!! Regulus!!! You cannot hand out weapons to the children.

Regulus: Who ratted me out??? I thought the children and I were bonding???

Percy: Cousin Regulus, Harry set the garden on fire. He was practicing.

Regulus: That’s fine. There’s nothing to salvage anymore anyways.

Percy: That’s what I said too. Harry has gotten better with it.

Regulus: Anyways, we are the adults now Sirius. We must bond with them so when they are thinking about doing stupid shite they tell us and we go with them so they don’t die. Like we used to do with Uncle Alphard.

Sirius: Fucking hell, you’re right.

Regulus: Be the cool uncle you were born to be.

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Regulus: *hands out weapons* Here you go little cousins.

Percy: What are these for?

Regulus: It’s all fun and games until your wand is on the other side of the battle field. If you stab, wixen will bleed.

Fred & George: Thank you!!!

Ron: Nice.

Ginny: So, is this one double sided?

Regulus: *pulls out a flamethrower* Harry, little nephew, this one is for you.

Harry: Forget about anything mean I ever said about House Black. I love this family.

Percy: Are these from the Black family vault???

Regulus: All the way from the Lord’s vault!!! I’m partial to the ones with snakes on them. Ruby red eyes so your Gryffindor sensitivities aren’t upset. Don’t tell Sirius.

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Percy: I’ve been speaking with cousin Regulus and—

Sirius: I beg your pardon??? Cousin Regulus!!! You’ve been speaking to my baby brother???

Percy: Of course I have? He’s also hosting us in your ancestral home. Anyways, apparently we’ve inherited more than just perfect cheek bones from your family.

Sirius: Oh!!! Do tell little cousin. I love a good gossip session.

Percy: So do my siblings, as well as the family attitude, the single eyebrow raise, a flair for the dramatic, some bloodlust, shiny hair, and the ability to commit crimes and not go to jail—

Sirius: Wait a minute!!!!

Percy: Well I guess you didn’t inherit that one. To be fair, you’re dramatic enough at least.

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Regulus: Excuse me little wizard, are you insinuating that everyone boarding in my house right now is a relative of mine?

Percy: Yes sir.

Regulus: It’s a family reunion!!! Welcome!!! I cannot believe Sirius has not open the good refreshments!!!

Percy: Sir—

Regulus: You may call me cousin.

Percy: Thank you cousin, but I am unsure if this is a good idea??? Also my siblings are under age.

Regulus: That is your parents problem little cousin. Let us open the French vintage. I want to see if my auntie’s curses are still up to par.

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Percy: Younger siblings are a handful. I cannot deal with them today.

Sirius: *nods*

Percy: Um, are you alright Sirius?

Sirius: *looks around* I agree with you but I just cannot say anything. You see my younger sibling ALWAYS knows when I speak of him-

Percy: Excuse me?

Sirius: Yes!! He just knows about—

Regulus: *door slams open* SIRIUS!!! You talking shit again??!!?!

Sirius: Oh my fucking god!!!!

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Percy: Crouch’s mother is my grandmother’s sister. We are cousins??? Next family reunion he better be ready to fucking fight.

Sirius: I hope you let me have a go at our cousin first.

Percy: Bloody hell!!! This will never not be funny and amazingly ridiculous.

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Percy: There are no photographs of my grandmother here, but I did meet my great-grandfather. Interesting man, he says I should start a blood feud with the minister.

Sirius: My grandfather said the same thing? Must be an Arcturus thing.

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Harry, Ron, & Hermione: Why are you here and not in the library studying?

Percy: Someone started a rumor that the pure bloods are so inbred they’re illiterate. Slytherin took that personally because reasons so now they’ve taken over the library.

Hermione: More competition? Good.

Percy: We’ll see when the next progress reports come out.

…………………………………🐍🐍🐍………………………….

Hermione: The Slytherins have taken over the top spots in every year’s ranking!!! And EVERY TIME I walk into the library they hiss!!!!

Harry: Their pettiness and spite are something to admire. I think I saw Snape smile.

Ron: Percy!!!! I saw you sitting with them!!!!

Percy: Do NOT judge me!!!! They brought books from their old pure blood family libraries. I’m not a fool!!!!

Hermione: *runs to the library*