a4lesbian - Tumblr blog

[a4lesbian]

I want to shout "I love you" at the top of my lungs, but I know you don't like loud noises, so I'll whisper it to you instead

[a4lesbian]

[a4lesbian]

you go kitty

[a4lesbian]

realizing every "crush" i ever had might've been queerplatonic. realizing that's why i was always head over heels for the guy, yet balked when they made explicitly romantic advances in return. realizing i dont experience love like other human beings. realizing i probably never will. it explains everything but...

fuck ;-;

i want to love and be loved, but what that love is is just... fundamentally different for many other people. it's so different that i couldnt hope to bridge that gap. alloromance was always a foreign thing to me, but the conscious realization of that is kind of heartbreaking. i'll never be able to love normally. it will always be complicated.

i feel abnormal.

[a4lesbian]

I just really want to find “my person”

but a lot of people say that, and it apparently just goes without saying that they mean it in a sexual and romantic way

but no I just want someone that I feel completely comfortable with and can live with and make breakfast with and go see new movies with and just always know that they’ll be there for me and that i’ll be there for them but without any sexual or romantic expectations and like I want a committed stable relationship but in a queerplatonic way and ughhh it seems impossible to find

[a4lesbian]

ADAM PARRISH — LONESOME

blue lily lily blue — maggie stiefvater // the book of disquiet — fernando pessoa // succession (2018), s3 ep9 (x) // the lonely city — olivia laing // sex education (2019), s2 ep2 // little weirds — jenny slate // little women (2019) // this song will save your life — leila sales // call down the hawk — maggie stiefvater

[a4lesbian]

What does it feel like to be lonely? It feels like being hungry: like being hungry when everyone around you is readying for a feast. It feels shameful and alarming, and over time these feelings radiate outwards, making the lonely person increasingly isolated, increasingly estranged. It hurts, in the way that feelings do, and it also has physical consequences that take place invisibly, inside the closed compartments of the body. It advances, is what I’m trying to say, cold as ice and clear as glass, enclosing and engulfing.

Olivia Laing, The Lonely City

[a4lesbian]

Growing.

[a4lesbian]

one of the greatest tragedies in life is that you will always be loved more than you will ever know. someone in class finds your presence inviting and warm, even if you’ve only ever exchanged a few words with them—maybe none at all. someone on the street loves your smile and it gets them down the next few streets. someone you used to be friends with still wishes to fondly call your name. someone you used to be friends with five years ago would give anything to be in the same room as you today. someone who regularly comes into work is disappointed when you aren’t there to brighten their day. someone missed you today. someone noticed you were gone. someone loves you when you’re there; someone loves you when you’re nowhere to be found at all. you think you have always disappeared when you’re no longer in the picture, but you’ve never left the frame.

[a4lesbian]

i'm not really bound to a certain inevitable fate as such it's more of a situationship

[a4lesbian]

can we make a blood pact but platonically. just as friends. we haven’t been doing much bonding lately :(

[a4lesbian]

people always talk about evil clones like oooh a dark mirror oohh what if you saw what a cruel person you were/are capable of becoming. and well yes but what if you were the evil clone. what if you looked in the mirror and what you saw was so bright it blinded you. what if you had to know exactly how good you could have been.

[a4lesbian]

hopeless time loop. the way out isn’t to save everyone. the way out isn’t to save even one person. the way out isn’t to change anything. the way out is accepting how it happened the first time is how it always will be. that’s how you acted, that’s how they acted, that’s how you would have acted every time if you weren’t given the curse of hindsight. the way out is accepting you can’t fix the past; you can only forgive yourself for it.

[a4lesbian]

Smile at strangers , kiss your friends

[a4lesbian]

hey btw. being platonically in love is so real btw. having a silly text convo with your friend and thinking "I love you" with every message. studying together in silence and feeling the most comfortable you've been in years. having a huge cheesy grin on your face after you spend time together, or even just text for a bit. your worries becoming a little easier to bear when they hug you. worrying about them, wishing you could magically give them all the happiness in the world.

being platonically in love is one of my favourite feelings in the world, and you know what? I'm so grateful that being aspec let me experience this in full. I fucking love being on the aromantic spectrum <3

[a4lesbian]

A co-worker of mine was standing outside with me during a break from customers to share a cigarette with me, and told me about how he had lost his brother that he was close with some years ago. He told me about how they used to be in a band together with some friends, and how ever since he'd died, he hadn't played any music because he'd been too scared and anxious. I told him about how I'd lost my brother to suicide some years ago.

I went home and pulled out an old tiny wooden box my brother had given me before he'd died. I'd been using it to store guitar picks I'd collected over the years, including one guitar pick that used to be his. I haven't played the guitar since he'd died, my hands are too small to play some of the chords, so I play bass and piano instead.

I went to work the next day and gifted my brothers old guitar pick to my co-worker. I told him that it'd been sitting in a box for ten years unused, and would probably sit there for longer if I kept it there. Told him that I thought he deserved to have it, because I bet he could put it to better use than I ever would. Told him I didn't feel like it was coincidence that me and him would cross paths with each other in our lives, and that it seemed suiting that we had these similar experiences but split in two halves. That somehow, I felt like he was meant to have the guitar pick. I told him that I knew he'd not played guitar since his brother died, but that if he ever decided to play again one of these days, maybe he'd be able to honor both of our brothers by using that guitar pick.

He almost cried. He thanked me. Then he went home that night and for the first time in years he played the guitar.

I don't know what the meaning of life is or what my purpose is, but I do believe that love and human connection is one of the most important things in life. It's finding ways to tell strangers you love them and share experiences with others. I think it's all just about love.

[a4lesbian]

"Friends dont look at friends that way" COWARD. I look at my friends with awe in my eyes, my chest is filled with love, im glowing because i get to be near my friends. I look at my friends and i would give them my everything. SO SKILL ISSUE, look at your friends with all the love that you have