things that made me stop wanting to die that require no effort whatsoever
change the color used to highlight text on your laptop
move the pictures on your wall
stack whatever clutter is in your room into piles even if you don’t have time to clean it all
slightly vary your commute, even just by one street
change where you sit and scroll aimlessly on your phone even if it’s only to the chair in your room instead of your bed
drink water or juice out of a wine glass in the morning because nothing is real
shower with the lights off, without music
buy $3 flowers at trader joe’s—they look bad next to the more expensive ones but they look so good in your room
start typing things you don’t post into your notes. your thoughts can be worth documenting even if you don’t deem them worth sharing
wake up super early just once. you don’t have to make it a habit it’s just extra satisfying to go to bed that night
listen to the entirety of your favorite album from 2015
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One of my niche criminal minds headcanons is that Hotch represents his teammates in court pro bono whenever they get parking/traffic tickets, because they know he can get them out of pretty much anything, and they give him “🥺”, and who can stand up to 🥺
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my favourite fucking thing about the mando gallery special is finding out that pedro’s himbo ass wears the helmet like a hat in between takes
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every episode of criminal minds
lady: walking down dark alley slowly and alone (everything a woman would never do)
white guy in hoodie: hey
lady: AHH
white guy in hoodie: u look like my mom *stabs her* *takes her toes*
—
emily: and then i got drunk and slammed that bitch’s head into the bar counter
derek: haha thats great-
jj: its a bad one *hands out files*
emily: let me eat you out
(in the conference room)
jj: so yeah this guy stabs ladies. but now, he takes their toes
spencer: hes escalating
hotch: 😡😡😡 wheels up in 30
(zoom in on the plane)
jj: if when you do, but i cannot for the yes of he was what i no 💖 -lil huddy
(in the plane)
emily: sexual sadist
spencer: the history of toes is actually a long starting with the ancient indians they used to-
derek: dont make me put ur head through the plane window pretty boy. although i know you would love that
spencer: 😳😑
garcia on the phone: okay so i made a list of all the white guys in arizona.
derek: i want to taste ur guts
garcia: impale me with ur cock
hotch: thanks garcia 😡😡😡
—
detective alzhiemers: we spoke on the phone and i invited u here but i just want u to know i dont trust a single fucking thing you say. wow agent jareau u got that barbie doll build.
hotch: 😡 where can we set up
(at the crime scene)
rossi: 👁👄👁 he took their toes. but u can see the bone here.
(camera zooms in on derek)
derek: *takes off his sunglasses* *flexes* hes devolving
(at the m.e)
doctor dr. : so basically he kills them. u can see because theyre dead. he takes their toes but its sloppy.
emily: he must be doing it because he doesnt have any toes.
reid: *calling garcia* we need a list
(music escalates)
—
spencer: yeah so basically hes white and a sexual sadist
hotch: mid 30s, his mother didnt love him
emily: HES IMPOTENT because his girlfriend cut off his balls
derek: and he does not have toes. we gotta catch him fast. *picks up a call from garcia*
jj: i will be telling the press so we can get calls about men without toes.
garcia: hey my 12 inch bad dragon dick. i found him- Ben Serialkiller, 54 creep lane. born without toes, his mom kicked him out when he was 5.
derek: thanks babygirl. remind me to kiss ur feet tonight.
rossi: god am i old enough to die
detective alzheimers: actually i think youre completely wrong.
emily: we dont fucking care shut up limpdick
other cops: okay we believe you now
—
(in a dark basement)
spencer: Ben, i get it. u dont have to kill these women. *puts the gun down and takes off kevlar for no fucking reason* my mom tried to kill me too. but im not a serial killer.
white guy in hoodie: you dont get it.
rossi: you dont want to kill her. we can let the world know of your struggle, ben. we will teach them of a world with men without toes.
white guy in hoodie: okay i guess. *lets go of lady* *cries*
hotch: 😡😡😡 *cuffs him*
—
morgan, on the jet: u did good today, kid.
reid: thanks. i wonder what my life would be like if i didnt have 3 lifetimes of trauma on my 27 year old back.
morgan: hahaha
emily, joining in: hahahaha. loser
hotch: 😡😡😡 i wish i had emotions
jj: i miss my kids
emily: can we fuck yet
jj: fine i guess
(picture of the sky)
rossi: And in the end, if I eated soap, no I didnt because I yes ✨ -hitler
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God every time Mando takes his helmet off I feel like a fucking repressed Victorian seeing an ankle for the first time
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“it’s just a parking lot”
exactly. there’s nothing there. not a statue. not a plaque. nothing.
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