achillies-bootstraps

[achillies-bootstraps]

It occurs to me sometimes that the most of what I wanted during my anxiety attacks was just...someone to sit next to me or be in the same room for awhile. Not say the right things, not breathing exercises, just, presence. Obviously this is not the same for everyone but going through an anxiety attack and everyone else just peacefully sleeping or doing something else away from you is such a sucker punch in the gut for me. I wonder if anyone else feels the same?

[achillies-bootstraps]

[achillies-bootstraps]

Really disturbed about how some mothers push the role of “Therapist to your Man” trope on their daughters, ngl

[achillies-bootstraps]

Being a good person

Beware of attacks on character. 

Some people, even good ones, will automatically attack your character if they can’t get you to do what they want. 

If you say no to hanging out with someone who makes you nervous, you’re judgmental, bitter, self-righteous. 

Instead of just a person who has an independent choice of who they spend their time with.

If you point out someone’s cruel behavior towards you and ask them to change, sometimes you’re ungrateful, self-righteous, spoiled, and so on. 

Don’t fall for it. 

Ask yourself, would I say this about someone else if they were doing what I was?

Then why would it be any different for me?

Because I am any different from any other?

Then why do they say these things?

Is it because they couldn’t coerce you into doing something?

That you showed resistance and it was inconvenient?

Sometimes its okay to be the bad person, 

If it means that you are making sure there will be a person left at all.

[achillies-bootstraps]

Saying “no” to something just because you simply don’t want to is 100% valid. Not wanting to is a valid reason.

[achillies-bootstraps]

I don't really think its that unusual to be a young adult and not have friends/be incapable of making friends. Something about our culture. There seems to be alot of youtube vids and blogs talking about it at least

Die alone squad where u at?

[achillies-bootstraps]

It takes nothing to demand service and respect. It takes everything to be virtuous and truly deserve it. That’s why so few do it.

[achillies-bootstraps]

Ladies, if you’ve ever said any of the following things to your man:

Don’t say that.

Don’t do that.

That’s not funny.

Stop.

I don’t like that.

and it didn’t result in a change in behavior or a serious attempt at a change in behavior with some mistakes:

Dump. Him.

Especially if he guilts you for calling him out or tries to convince you that you’re overreacting. Especially if the behavior became more frequent after you told him to stop, even if he claims he was “joking”.

You don’t have to put up with bullshit.

[achillies-bootstraps]

Maybe he’s ordering a decaf because he has a heart condition, and you’re about to give him a heart attack and send him to the hospital.

Or maybe he’s just ordering a decaf.

Maybe she’s ordering sugar free because she’s diabetic, and you’re about to put her six feet under.

Or maybe she’s just ordering sugar free,

Maybe they’re ordering non-dairy because they’re intolerant, and you’re about to ruin their day. Maybe they’re allergic, and you’re about to sponsor an all black event in an open field.

Or maybe they’re just ordering non-dairy.

Maybe they ordered gluten free because they can’t process it, and you’re about to destroy their digestive tract.

Or maybe they’re just ordering gluten free.

Maybe they’re ordering this way just because they don’t want the food, for whatever reason.

But are you willing to bet their life on it?

[achillies-bootstraps]

Why it's good to talk about mental health

Back when I was a kiddo, my family had a big taboo around talking about things like mental health. That doesn't mean members of my family didn't have mental health problems, it just means they covered them up. My parental order was very adamant on teaching these stereotypes:

-Anxiety was only for 'troubled kids'. If you brought up being anxious then you were criticizing your parents. Same for depression.

-Suicidal people are ultimately weak and selfish, and should be shamed.

-Depressive episodes were just a way kids unrightfully sought attention.

-You can't have depression unless you're physically abused or bullied.

-If you have good grades, you don't have any mental health problems.

-Mental illnesses are character flaws; if you're depressed you're weak and pathetic; if you're anxious you're weak and neurotic.

This lead to me not understanding what what was wrong with me as I struggled with anxiety attacks and depressive episodes as a young teen. And worse yet, because outwardly my family life looked so good to others, I was often criticized by peers for even attempting to bring up even possibly feeling bad in any way.

But thank goodness for other people on the internet spreading awareness and coping mechanisms, and not bringing shame to the table about these topics.

Interestingly enough, at least one person in every one of our family generations has historically committed suicide. And I believe that the reason for this is because of the isolating effects that these stereotypes can have.

So thank you to everyone who blogs about mental health education and awareness. You're saving people's lives in ways you can't imagine.

[achillies-bootstraps]

Driving safety tips for people with ADHD

I'm not sure if this is helpful but I'm only posting this because I almost got into another accident today

If you ever have to stop to do something real quick while in your car DO NOT TAKE YOUR FOOT OFF THE BRAKE. Even if you are stopped, you'll need to find the brake pedal again or you may STEP ON THE ACCELERATOR BY ACCIDENT. HARD. Especially if you were thinking about something else. Or you may need to know where the accelerator is to begin with.

If you have to stop to do something real quick in your car, DO NOT LEAVE IT IN REVERSE. Always change gears to the preferred direction of travel before hand.

Now I have to nurse my hurt feelings and try not to berate myself for hours about how dumb I am...

[achillies-bootstraps]

“Don’t Feel Stupid, Ever”, or “Why I Think Intelligence Isn’t Real”

This is going to sound like a real jerk thing to say, but I kind of hate it when people call me intelligent. The reason why might be a little convoluted, but as a summary or thesis, I sort of believe what people believe to be intelligent is all a bunch of parlor trick traits that have nothing to do with being smart, are based totally off of a social construct, and sort of undercut actual struggles that some people might have in other situations.

I was kind of a suck-up and a teacher’s pet when I was a kid. I had undiagnosed inattentive ADHD, which really manifested in me not picking up on social cues well. Often times I couldn’t get along with kids my age, so I molded and masked my way into a type of person I thought could get approval from adults, especially when I didn’t have much of it at home. Because of this, in some situations people will perceive me as smart, but in other situations people were perceive me as airheaded, awkward, and really stupid. Here is an example:

Reasons people think (and thought) I was intelligent:

-I wanted approval so bad I worked hard at having the best school grades, even if it meant sacrificing hours of my free creative time.

-I did not engage in outward “normal” adolescent expressions of individuality, like trying out alternative fashions or displaying my interests. I did everything I could to look as normal as possible when I was young. I was also very quiet and respectful.

-I have an incredibly expanded vocabulary from hours of being alone reading books and watching documentaries. I am good at public speaking and writing essays because of this. (However, I also talk how I write, so sometimes I get made fun of for it, by other adults now).

-I don’t typically swear, and say please and thank you.

Now here’s the reasons people think I’m stupid (and why they are extra harsh on me when I don’t live up to their first impressions of me)

-I am conversationally impulsive, and say and do weird things because I don’t pay attention enough to nuances or cues, or I get nervous.

-My memory glitches out a lot.

-Left and right, size scales, and time means nothing to me. Told my brother I was taking 500 mg of Zinc with confidence. I was taking 50.

-I keep asking for clarification for directions on things because I’m afraid of getting it wrong and having people be mad at me.

-I take forever to finish basic tasks, because of memory, attention, and perfectionism.

-I make really glaring obvious mistakes.

-I trip on stuff, drop things, and I have punched myself in the face on multiple occasions accidentally.

-I will make the same mistakes in something that requires fine motor control over and over. I once spent an hour on crash bandicoot because I could not make one (1) jump that required a bit of cognitive timing.

-I can’t do basic math. I once gave a previous high school teacher I knew the wrong change, and she made fun of me and said I needed to go back and learn that in school. I had just graduated with my first 2 year college degree when she told me that.

-Directions who? I will often point the opposite cardinal direction of where I need to go and get made fun of.

-I’m inexperienced in a lot of basic things in life. This gets me bullied by both coworkers and family (who probably should have been helping me out, but whatever).

All of this stuff together leads me to believe that looking “Intelligent” is just a bunch of social tricks based on preconceived notions. I’ve met tons of people with real world knowledge who would easily beat me in my own fields of study or literally anything else. But just because I act a certain way and talk a certain way, people seem to think I should know how to do everything, but I barely hold myself together on a good day. I have trouble with reviews in almost any job I have because although I pass the preliminary interviews well, the rest of my coworkers see me as a bumbling idiot once they get to know me. So just some random person saying I’m intelligent as one word doesn’t help me. Just like any person I am nuanced, I am good at some things and have a really hard time with others. I did really well academically, but in the work and social world I am screwed.

So btw, don’t feel stupid. Other people might tell you that but if they think I’m smart than they’re easily fooled.

[achillies-bootstraps]

Common abuser myths

They’re only abusive because they’ve been abused themselves and we should forgive them. Wrong.

Abusers have been known to greatly exaggerate or modify their past experiences to use them as an excuse for today’s abusive behaviour, sometimes even tell stories of their victims as if it happened to them directly. It’s a great tactics to get at their victim’s good side and force them to think of the abuser as an ally who is also in their situation. They’re not. They’re the perpetrator, and having the same experience as the victim should increase their empathy for the victim – yet it doesn’t. They’re taking advantage of the notion that we should excuse some behaviours of past victims – however this notion can’t be extended to a pattern of abusive behaviour, and creating a new trail of victims. You are not responsible to listening to someone’s sob story after they hurt you, just like you’re not responsible for being a punching bag of anyone who’s been hurt before. You are not a resource to be used by those who have been hurt before.

They’re not aware they’re abusive. Wrong.

Abuse is done for the benefits, abusing a person they’re supposed to be caring for/have authority over will bring the abusers in the position where they will not be asked to give any care, attention or resources they would otherwise be obliged to give, they will often draw care and additional labour from their victim, feed their ego on the victim’s fear and intimidation, and in the extreme cases, use the victim as a servant, blank slate to project, and emotionally lash out on. Nobody is capable of indulging in such cruelty without being aware of it. It’s not a one-time thing, not a slight missight, it takes a pattern of slow brainwashing, convincing the victim in subtle ways they’re not worth attention, care, time or energy, and then taking away their human rights. It’s a very bold lie to claim they did this accidentally.

They’re not aware they’re hurting you. Wrong.

Every single victim of abuse had multiple failed attempts at letting the abuser know they’re hurt – if a victim is a child, they were very much crying and fighting back, until they were repeatedly and brutally punished for it. If a victim is an adult, who is already conditioned to not show when they’re hurt, it’s still obvious that cruel and humiliating criticism, neglect of their needs and desires, being treated as a convenience or a resource, being belittled, threatened, gaslit, and emotionally abandoned will hurt any person on the planet. There is no adult who doesn’t know this, and who wouldn’t want to avoid it happening to them. Abusers are not children who have to be self-indulgent to the point of not realizing their actions affect other people in their life. We don’t have to treat them as naïve and unknowing children. Being told it hurts and punishing you until you stopped being able to say you’re hurt, is NOT not knowing they’re hurting you.

They’re only abusive because of their disorder! Wrong.

Personality disorders do not cause a person to forget the difference between right or wrong; they’re diagnosed based on patterns of behaviour, and often you can see their personal values behind these patterns. If a person is prone to manipulation, gaslighting, controlling and punishing urges, disregard for other people’s humanity and disregard for other’s pain, it’s a reflection of what they believe in. If their core values are distorted to the point they regard you as a toy to play with and control, this is not something you should try to handle; being close to them is inherently dangerous. You will not be able to change this, and sticking by them is likely to traumatize you long term. A person with a disorder can still act responsible and not be in contact with those they’re extremely likely to hurt; seeking and demanding contact with abuse survivors and possible victims will alert you to their intentions. They have proven they can act in completely non-abusive way when it would cause any consequences for them, meaning that it’s not an uncontrollable urge, and they do know better, and choose to act abusively anyway. This person does not require a disorder to act abusively.

They’re only abusive because society has taught them to act that way! Wrong.

If that were true, every person in the world would be easily swayed by society to become abusive; this is not the case. Non-abusive people have found ways to strive towards non-abusive media and to adapt humane and kind behaviours from others. Only reason there’s an up rise of socially acceptable abusive behaviour is that the abusers are jumping on it, sharing it, enforcing it, using it as a convenient tool to get away with abuse. Social standards don’t come from nowhere, and when the abusers are the ones creating them, it’s on us to say no and push against it, not allow it as an excuse to keep perpetuating abuse.

Notice that all of these myths have one thing in common: They allow the abuse to keep happening. They lift the blame from the abuser to the third party, or to a circumstance that cannot be controlled, or even just nothing – as if nobody is to blame for the abuse, and nothing can be done to stop it. If we stick to any of these, we fight for the world in which abuse continues endlessly. Every abuser is to be held accountable, and stopped. It’s safe to assume they will only stop if they have no other choice. Giving them endless chances, forgiveness, tolerance and exposure to possible victims will only enable more abusive behaviour, and will ultimately, disable them from any possible recovery.

[achillies-bootstraps]

Things That Drastically Improved My Mental Health But I Had No Idea They Did Until I Stopped For Finals/College

-Exercise/Morning Walks

Yeah, I know, everyone in the history of ever who has had mental health problems is sick of hearing about exercise, especially when it's so hard to do. And while I'll say it's not a silver bullet for feeling out of sorts, doing little things spread out the day helped with my focus and anxiety. A 5 min morning walk and a 10 min strength workout later is better than absolutely nothing.

-Being around plants

When I get sad from being around so many people who are just hard to keep up with socially, it's nice to retreat to a space where everything is alive and growing around me. Somehow the prosperity of other living things other than people makes me feel connected and less alone. Plus I'm sure the color green and extra oxygen is nice too.

-Being around pets

Pets are awesome. It's been shown that dogs and cats know that you're different than them and modify their communication style to engage with you. People don't do that; you either fit to their needs or you often don't fit in. It's nice to go home to a chill or happy friend who doesn't judge and just likes your presence. Plus petting dogs and cats will lower your blood pressure.

-Meditating

This is another one of those "duh" things. But I don't really conventionally meditate. Sometimes I just empty my mind in silence, or to a soundtrack, slowing my thoughts. Maybe only for 5 mins a day. Sometimes I follow guided visualizations, but not always. This helps me not to fixate on negative thought patterns or events, which I feel like my brain does just because they're stimulating somehow.

-Wholesome tiktoks/memes/videos

It often feels as though we should classify kind people as a type of cryptid at this point. In order not to feel as though we are surrounded in darkness all the time, it's nice to see videos of people being nice to each other for once. But don't read the comments. That's always a -5 on mental health every time.

-Aromatherapy

I'm not big on incense because I come from a long line of people with lung disease, but a good candle or natural spray is nice as well. It can help make me feel in control of a space and it's vibes somehow, and it makes me feel more confident because I think the smell of what I like stays on me.

-Journaling (specifically a positive one)

I have pinterest boards with encouragement quotes, wholesome content, and vision board stuff of things that I would like to do or the person I would like to become. This keeps my mind on positive things and on the future, when often I'm not sure I can bear the thought of going on with my life all the time.

-Phone app puzzle games

I am a 4.0 college student (so far), but I am extremely socially awkward, clumsy, forgetful, and have really bad rejection sensitivity (thanks recent ADHD diagnosis). Specifically, I have problems with mental math and spatial awareness. So when I complete a level in a brain training game, it helps keep the idea that I'm really stupid out of my mind for a bit, or at least shows me that I am improving a little every time. I also get this same sense of accomplishment out of reading as well.

-Drawing

I'm not good at drawing but just a doodle each day can help make me feel like I've improved in something somehow. I know I'll probably be in my 80s before I'm as good as some 12-year-olds I've met, but I have to remind myself that drawing leaves a lasting imprint of my expression, and it's a way to communicate even if no one sees it. This goes for writing as well.

-Kokobot

This is actually new for me, but that messaging feature on tumblr is really nice. It's nice to get and give encouragement for others anonymously, since many of us don't really have much of a support system and can often feel lonely and isolated.

[achillies-bootstraps]

!!ATTENTION!!

[achillies-bootstraps]

#14 Check your bank statements

One thing you should add to your monthly (or even better, weekly) to-do list is to spend five minutes checking your bank statements. Other than just a great way to keep on top of your spending, doing so can help you spot double charges and autopay expenses for things you no longer need as well as catch fraud before it’s too late. While some banks are awesome at noticing and stopping unusual transactions, others are less so. And with the number of data breaches going on, you don’t want someone going to town with your credit card. If you’re not sure about a charge, call your bank to have it checked out. However, banks themselves may sometimes be the culprits. If you notice that your bank is charging you unreasonable fees, you may want to explore other options. While digital banks like Revolut and N26 are an appealing choice, their customer service is reportedly not the best and there are too many stories of people being locked out of their accounts. Instead, if you reside in the US, check out this guide by Nerdwallet on the best banks and credit unions.

[achillies-bootstraps]