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[adarlingfamily]

Lighting struck Passion like a star Seeds were set Life took root Love sprang forth Autum brought doubt Storms and dark Cold of long night Lonley winter Withering what was Gathered decay Dry kindling made of angst burned with vengeance Lands unrecognizable Dirt and ash are fertile together Life goes on because the roots were strong. Honest effort, truth and patience Can bring spring Blossoms of hope Familiar Fields Familiar Fields: Jason Darling Photograph: Ava Carey

[adarlingfamily]

Just before our love got lost you said I am as constant as a northern star" and I said Constantly in the darkness Where’s that at If you want me I’ll be in the bar

On the back of a cartoon coaster In the blue TV screen light I drew a map of Canada Oh, Canada And I sketched your face on it twice

Oh you are in my blood like holy wine You taste so bitter But you taste so sweet, oh I could drink a case of you, I could drink a case of you darling Still be on my feet I still be on my feet

Oh, I am a lonely painter I live in a box of paints I’m frightened by the devil And I’m drawn to those ones that ain’t afraid I remember that time that you told me, you said Love is touching souls Surely you touched mine ‘cause Part of you pours out of me In these lines from time to time

Oh you are in my blood like holy wine You taste so bitter And you taste sweet oh I could drink a case of you, I could drink a case of you darling Still I’d be on my feet I still be on my feet

I met a woman She had a mouth like yours, she knew your life She knew your devils and your deeds and she said Go to him Stay with him if you can But be prepared to bleed

Oh, but you are in my blood you’re my holy wine Oh, you taste so bitter You taste sweet, oh I could drink a case of you darling Still I’d be on my feet I still be on my feet Hmm Still be on my feet

Lyrics/Original: Joni Mitchell Performed: Leah Song, Nahko Bear @4:00

[adarlingfamily]

Vindictive lies and delusions...

I am so upset right now. Back in April despicable accusations were made against my family. No interviews were done until today. The Sheriffs were asked to investagte a very disgusting and false claim made. No actions were taken for three months, and not until multiple calls were made asking the status of the open case. The claims being made make my stomach turn. Not because I think they are valid or true in any way. The accused will take a polygraph, which he demanded to prove his innocence. No I am sickened that those who are currently watching over the children would coach them to say such horrible things or expose them to such horrific situations. The truth will come out. We will figure out who is actually abusing these kids. Abusing them with either manipulative dialogue coaching and alienation or with actual physical abuse. This kind of talk doesn't just come up a year after kids are taken from a household. This kind of talk is learned or experienced. It is disgusting to know that those who claim have the kids best interest in heart are exposing them to this kind of filth. That someone has abused the children under their disingenuous and neglectful watch. That the kids will continue to be abused and manipulated in that household. For four years the children and my ex stayed with my family. Not once were any accusations made of any kind of abuse. Now that things have reached a child support and parental custody situation, all of a sudden these baseless and foul claims are being made. After the first round of inflated and false accusations failed to carry weight a new more ridiculous group of claims are made. You and your clan of co-conspirators will not succeed in this campaign of slander. I hope you have enjoyed this time with me in isolation. It will not be this way forever. I will never stop fighting for my rights to those kids. I will always be their father. No matter how dirty and ugly you make this process, I simply have to tell the truth and I will survive, persevere and thrive. You have built your whole life from lies, manipulation, and false claims of abuse at every turn. You are a narrcissistic psychopath completely. You use people until they no longer serve you and then claim they abused you the whole time to make your escape. Your parents were sinsiter when we first met, then your educators were next to be accused. Next our roomates were abusing you. Then your employer was the next to take accusations. Just before my family became the focus you wrote out a long winded manifesto blaming everyone from friends to cousins, peers or employers. Never did you take any responsibility for anything that happened to you ever. Classic narrsacist, always the victim never to blame. You are a typical privileged elitist. Thinking everyone owes you something and you never have to work hard for anything. That you can just take everything you want. You and yours have gained wealth off of the misfortune and misery of others. Vultures of culture. Picking the carrion corpses of those who actually worked hard and fought for their place. You truly think that this is all justified. You truly believe that you are righteous. I know I was not always present. I know I was imperfect in many ways. Too gruff, too distant, too busy. But I am not evil. My family took you in and cared for you. Provided child care, housing, love and compassion. You returned the favor by pitting me against them. By trying to convince me they were sinister as well. Only when I stood up to you did you run away with the kids. Ran away like you had so many times before. Ran and cast accusations in your wake. Just like you always do. I see you now for what you truly are. You demand respect, but dont deserve it. You claim awareness and understanding, but are selfish with your intent. Even above the needs of your children. This wont end the way you want it to. I wont give up, go away and just pay. I will fight until my kids are happy and healthy and I have a say in their lives. Until they are safe from your totalitarian ignorance, irrationality, and narcissism.

[adarlingfamily]

Memories, Music and Rain...

It is a warm summer night. The lights surround, bright and beautiful. The crowd sways to the beat of the rhythm. Time slows, and emotions rise. Memories flood in. Thoughts of we. Beautifully broken as individuals. Tragically bonded as a pair. So much time spent waiting and wanting, building and planning, breeding and laughing, growing and straining. So many years strong, standing against the odds. Horns blare and reality snaps back. Nahko moves us with his words. Lyrics speaking deep into the soul. "So many parts to a heavy heart","always give what you can even if your allies draw lines in the sand", "she was long gone, too much heavy history", "resurrected stubborn". Looking around at all the pairs, of eyes, of people, of lovers and friends. I find myself alone. In a sea of humans but utterly alone. Time may heal all wounds but growth comes at steep cost and with true pain. The visuals wash over me in waves. Conciousness is expanded. These moments will be lost like footprints on a well walked path. This life is too short to live with regret and the agony of loss is better then to have never had. The message is beautiful. Poetry brought to life. I remember your eyes. Your smile. Your scent. Your laugh. Your temper. Your resilience. The nest we made. The lives we created. The essence of us. The feelings of family. Its all overwhelming. Knowing that it cant go back. Knowing something turned somewhere. Knowing we both made mistakes and never wanted to be too vulnerable or wrong or taken advantage of. The songs will always remind me of us, of you. The sounds connect direct to the memories. The Bear roars triumphantly and the Tribe carries the vibe. The crowd is a buzz with the energy of Medicine. The solos are paired with technicolor dream scenes cast on a silver screen. Images of nature. The passage of time. Of Earth in all its wonderful splendor. The crescendo peaks. The group takes a bow. I imagine us walking together, yearning for your hand to hold, for our warm embrace, but knowing it is just a dream. A fantasy that won't manifest. I wander to the grass and lay looking up at the stars, at the light show. I listen to the festival winding down for the night. To the lovers whsipering sweetly and the friends laughing deeply. The clouds cover the sky and rain starts to fall. It washes over me and covers and cools, it soaks and saturates. A perfect metaphor for what is in my heart. Memories, Music, and Rain...

[adarlingfamily]

I will tell my story.

Time is a funny thing. It flys and it drags. A moment can be gone in a flash or last a lifetime. As we grow the moments mean more because of the frame of refrence we have. As a child and young man it can be easy to take time for granted. Time when things are good. Time with those we love. Time where peace is found. Hard times help us remember. How precious time really is. Time spent alone is amazing if welcome and wanted, and excruciating if forced upon you. I have been away from my family for the past few months. This has been some of the most difficult times I have yet gone through. It can be incredibly difficult to be zen when it feels like no one cares. Or that people give you time only to leverage you to their whims. A Darling family is fractured as of right now. So many different perspectives at work. He said she said as it goes. Work on the bus hit a stall and perhaps, that began the problems. The unity was broken. Too many arguments. Not enough support. Different passions and not enough compassion. So much judgement and little empathy. I can understand wanting better for our children. I know that is all I desire. It is the cold shoulder and leaving without me that hurts the most. Saying you will be back soon and just leaving. Or that we will talk and never calling back. Screening my calls to say good morning and good night to the kids. Playing with my emotions to get me to move the bus close to you, then changing back being distant. All the time spent worrying and wanting. "It is what you make it" they say. So from now on I won't shrink myself. I am no villain. I love my children and their mother. But I wont be slandered any more. I have never raised my hands in anger towards them. That much I know is true. I may get riled up and raise my voice, but it is not the first resort, its very much my last resort. I am a goood man. I am a good father and I derserve to be treated better. A parent wants to see their child or at least hear their voice. I honestly wouldnt mind if someone just picked up and let the kids talk. I get blamed for my son acting out but only see him once every week, sometimes every two. I have seen a scary change in the way he is developing. His sense of empathy is lacking and I worry about him. The last few months he has gotten so jealous of his sister. He seems so violent at times. Life is so complicated when children are involved. Every moment is important, so much development happening all the time. They see and hear it all. They dont remember what you want, and always say what you would rather they not. But every moment I am away from those tiny humans I know I miss so much. I have been told someone is afraid of me. But that same person has raised their hands to me in anger. They have woke me up by striking me in the face. As recently as new years eve this year I awoke to violence. Although the abuse is not a recent thing. This person has struck me out of anger in front of my children also but I stayed quiet and calm. I waited to express how that was wrong even if I am big and strong. But the apologies rang hollow or sometimes never came. I find it so ironic people often cant see for themselves, myself included. That we dont know until we think back and remember all the times. Good and bad. I miss our love. I miss us against the world. The times have gotten weird though. There is less and less time between us. Now I am locked out completely. Cast as some monster. Sad the twisted state of our family. No need to pretend, the bus may be worked on still, but not as a family. Not the whole family atleast. Adarlingfamily minus dad darling. Sorry for the heavy post. Love the ones you hold dear and always be present in the moment but don't disregard or intentionally forget the past. Someone remembers, someone will tell the truth. Stay possitive and get through whatever you have going on. The world may depend on you someday....

[adarlingfamily]

LET IT RAIN

This was crazy. I said we need to reseal the windows so they don't leak. Right after we took out all the windows to the bus, stripped them, and resealed them. It rained. Like crazy. One more day and we would have been shit out of luck. Everything is meant to be if you trust the timing.

This tool, some isopropyl alcohol, rags, and serious elbow grease is all I used to strip the windows clean of all their old silicone sealant. I will be honest this part sucked, 3 hours + of hot boring work, but all worth it in the long run!

There is such thing as too much caulk! Be careful when you are resealing windows because if you use too much caulk it seals up the windows. We had to go back through and fix the oozing caulk otherwise we wouldn't have been able to open and close the windows. ughhh!

Adding Roxul Insulation to the inner walls below the windows, feels so good to get that old icky fiberglass insulation out of here! 

Extra waterproofing precautions in the bathroom area. Plus this is the only spot we found rust damage, better safe than sorry.

Lil MoMo helping along the way, it was hot and hard work but oh so worth it!

Bathroom zone, visions of wonderful warm showers here!

Every step is a journey on this conversion process. If you would like to follow us check us out on instagram @thisdarlingfamily

Peace and Love -Mama Bear

[adarlingfamily]

THIS    S I L E N C E    ENDS NOW.

What has been done unto me, will be silenced no more.

I need to get this off my chest.

It has taken me years to get to a place where I feel safe enough to write these words. These are by the far the hardest that I've ever had to write, but now that I have children of my own their innocence gives me the strength to speak up and share what has happened to me. I hope my story can help others speak up who have been too afraid or ashamed to share in the past. No longer will I sit in silence letting these memories eat me up inside. If I can protect just one person from the abuse I suffered, then all of the pain will be worth it.

Let me start off by saying I'm not here to call out people and name the people who abused me. Karma takes care of that for me. I have spent enough time thinking about hurting those who hurt me. But what does that prove? That I am no better than they are!

Hurting someone needlessly is an act of weakness, not strength. No, I am here to heal, to share, and to support others who may feel like they are dealing with their own sexual abuses all alone.

You are not alone! You are so much stronger than you can even imagine! You are capable of healing! You are loved! You deserve to be loved in a caring and respectful way!

Growing up I had a wonderful early childhood. My family didn't have very much money and we moved around a lot but as a child it didn't matter that much to me. Playing outside, riding bikes, and soaking up the sunshine with my sister was what was important to me.

At a young age I became fascinated with ballet, theatre, and performing arts. Determined that I would become the next prima ballerina I begged my mom to enroll me in a dance school. Despite it being a stretch financially they could see my passion for dance. I loved ballet. It made my soul sing. I loved the colorful tutu's, the beautiful costumes, and the grace of the older dancers twirling around on pointe. It all seemed like magic to me. I just wanted to be part of that world so badly.

That is, until I turned 8 years old. I went from a Montessori school to a public school for the first time. That change might not have been so dramatic if my classmates had been different, who knows?  In public school I stuck out like a sore thumb. I remember getting in trouble the first day of school for getting up to go to the bathroom during class. It didn't make sense to me that you had to ask to use the bathroom. I had always been trusted to take care of my own body. I thought to myself, “Where else would I be going?” Unfortunately that first day of school would not be the end of my bathroom torment.

Puberty was hitting us gals hard. Looking back on it all I wish I could just tell myself, "Who cares what she thinks!”  “You are beautiful just the way you are!" She was being mean to me because she was jealous. But I considered her more beautiful than I was. She was so exotic and tan compared to my white flesh. She was different, like I was but somehow I thought her kind of different was so much better than mine. I felt all alone, even though she was my "best friend" at school. As my chest blossomed so did her jealously. She started to bully and verbally rip apart another A-Cup girl like myself. I felt her turning on me. I didn't want her to bully me too so I went into hiding. Okay not literally. I hid my body and started wearing baggy shirts and sweatpants all the time. Hoping and praying she wouldn't notice my growing chest I clung on terrorized by this beautiful nightmare.

Meanwhile what feels like every time I needed to go pee at school I am cornered, bullied, and verbally harassed in my bathroom stall. These two girls had it out for me. I was painfully shy already so even the thought of someone peeping in between the cracks of the stall was mortifying enough, but oh no, these two took it to the next level. Standing on each toilet of the opposite stalls these bullies surrounded me with their peering eyes and creepy comments like "nice ass" which was a lot for a kid straight out of a completely different world. My bubble had been shattered. Day after day I dreaded having to go to the bathroom. Trying to seek refuge I would pick the last stall so at least I would have one side of privacy while I looked up terrified that any minute their eyes would POP up! Waiting, staring, taunting and terrifying me. I stopped going to the bathroom at school. The walks back from school became long enough to feel like torture as I continued to hold it.

Don't forget. I'm still doing ballet and since puberty has hit I have put on a little bit of weight. I am really serious about ballet, still following my dream of becoming a prima ballerina! After years of performing Nutcracker, Peter Pan, and other various seasonal shows I was picked to do my own solo performance. My dance teacher whom I loved and admired like a mother, danced with me. Her belief in me kept me going. Our "Mother, Daughter" dance moved the crowd to tears. I remember feeling so alive in that moment like "I was born for this!" Soon I was paying for such an electric performance.

Yet another "friend", a girl I met in ballet class had started to bully me about my recent weight gain calling me a "fatty" and a "lard ass" talking about how my butt jiggled when I walked during our ballet class. I was already embarrassed enough having to squeeze into my snug leotard and tights in the changing room. At that point things escalated to a whole other level leaving me contemplating suicide. This friend of mine was 'fancy', they lived on the lake in this big house with a boat and bbq's, an entire room just filled with awesome toys, and plenty of summer fun. Or so I thought at first.

This one is a tough memory to write about because it hits so damn close to home. Everything is so connected, now as I piece these repressed memories together 19 years later.

Our moms were friends and they loved chatting so we would go over to their house often. Seemed like at least once a week. During that time the older neighbor boy took a liking to us girls and after going swimming we were upstairs in her mom's bathroom getting ready to wash up. The neighbor boy burst in the door right as we had taken off our stinky lake suits and were hopping into a huge bathtub filled with fun bubbles.  Snapping pics in between our screams of protest "get out creep!" Finally after about a dozen or so nude photographs are captured he leaves. 

But no hold on, it gets worse. Sleepover nights with that friend become a barrage of unwanted late night games of "playing doctor". I couldn't take it anymore. My own "best friend" bullied and molested me (all of this on top of being sexually harassed and bullied at my new school!)  I quit ballet. Made up some lame ass excuse and quit. Threw it all away, years of practice and training. I needed to escape at least one bully in my life. I didn't feel like I had any choice. Finally after what feels like a century, the year of terror ends and I beg my mom to put me back in Montessori. Thankfully back at my old Montessori school I have a moment of calm from dealing with a bunch of sexual abuse at school. Sadly, because of what had happened to me I have a really hard time making new friends. I just couldn't trust anyone. I didn't want anyone close to me. I graduated from sixth grade feeling lonelier than ever, dreading what I knew was about to come. 

Seventh grade. A new school...a public school. My worst nightmare was coming true again and this time their was no where to hide. No more Montessori. (With only a few Montessori schools back then, they only went to 6th grade)

Time to face my demons again. Deep breath. 

A moment of calm and for a minute there I'm invisible. Everyone has already made friends with each other in 6th grade and no one wants to hang out with me. Which is okay for a little bit but it gets kinda lonely after a while. I finally make a friend and we are best buds! Going to the mall, watching movies together, laughing, giggling, and having a great time together.  

Without this friend I wouldn't have known how to let happiness and love into my heart again. I know we haven't talked in a while but I want to thank you. Your friendship and kindness in my time of darkness saved me. But even during times of light, darkness still found me... this time during the bus ride home. 

Deep down, I was still depressed and I wanted to be away from everyone and honestly just be left alone. This guy in my grade started getting really pushy and weird about sitting next to me. He insisted on sitting by the window and as I stand up to protest he pushes me down and rubs his crotch in my face, he sits down, looks out the window, then looks back at me with a look that would have turned water into ice. At this point everyone's getting in the bus, it's loud and chaotic...EVERY DAY he would seize his perfect moment to strike. I rode in fear. I was so painfully shy and honestly terrified of what this boy (a major bully) would do to me if he found out I reported him to anyone. Coming from Montessori school we didn't have much of these kinds of issues so I did not know how to respond. Instead I let my silence wash over me while I suffered the daily grind. 

Eighth grade. At this point I'm so scared and confused about what love is. Despite moving all around town I've been madly in live with a childhood friend and finally I get the chance to go to the same school. Sadly because of all that has happened, I have all of this rage pent up inside of me. One day during a silly game of kickball I explode like a volcano, in a fit of rage I unleash all sorts of swear words and my friend floats away from me forever. After that day I've come to realize the true stinging power of the silent treatment. As far as he was concerned I was invisible and as he looked through me, not at me! I lost hold of one of the rare feelings of love in my childhood. He was one of the only constant joys in my life. If we were hanging out everything was groovy. Running around in the rain, playing tag amongst the plants in the garden, dripping paint all over my head as we paint your little play house. I can still feel the tears running down my cheeks after getting off the phone for the last time. You didn't want to be friends anymore. You were my rock, someone who knew me before all of this abuse happened. I had never felt more alone.

My depression worsens and I can't imagine what is about to happen in high school. Images on the TV tell me that all the girls wear high heels and looks much older than they are. I have my first day of school outfit picked out months in advance. A grey off the shoulder long sleeve shirt, skinny jeans, and a pair a red semi high heels. I felt so grown up, so mature, and yes finally so exotic and beautiful. I soon discover that actually pretty much no one wears high heels to school unless you are going to a dance.  Oh so awkward. Thankfully my mom has literally forced me to do a sport and although I'm not into sports I really love to swim. (Thank you Mom!) Having the supportive comments from the older teammates really helped me overcome my paralyzing first day of school fear.   

Picture this, its freshman year. The first day of school and I'm late to class after lunch because, well I'm not really sure where my class is.  I don't have time to change as I burst through the door to my weight training class. It's warm up time and everyone's doing push ups. Without a word, high heels and all I join in, digging deep, cuz even though I'm a girl I want them to know  I belong here. 

What coach says next warns my heart to this day "Oh come on boys, this girl just showed up and she can do push ups better than half of yah AND SHE’S WEARING HIGH HEELS!"   Even though I felt silly wearing those stupid shoes all day, it was all worth it for that one moment. 

I am a strong women and that day I discovered my hidden power. 

Through the greatest times of darkness my light still finds a way to shine.  I'm focused on school and swimming and soon it's my sophomore year. Thanks to my moms initial push, I've realized how much I love swimming and being focused on that helps immensely with my depression. My swim coach rocks and is a serious influence on me finding my inner and outer strength.  

I will soon need every ounce of that very thing. Evil takes on many different forms along this journey. He's my first "real official highschool boyfriend" and I'm really excited. At the time all the girls in my close circle were obsessed with him and I felt honored that out of everyone he chose me. Soon I would regret that very thought. Quickly things started to unravel, sexually he was all pent up, his mom went on every date with us, she was always there. I'm still a virgin at this point but the sharks are circling in the water, and boy oh boy do they smell blood. Now I need to take a moment. 

I've been scared shitless to share this next part of my story for years. Silently suffering and distancing myself from my quite large family. I'm not afraid of what everyone will think. I regret not protecting my other family members. What happened to me was not okay and has taken me so long to stop blaming myself for what happened, finally to get it out and more forward in my healing work. 

The Internet played its part in helping along this next development as I sped closer to my sweet sixteen. I had started chatting with an older family member on aim and soon things got sexual. I was seduced by the draw of being something that I wasn't through the Internet, I pretended like I was actually "cool" enough to have been to a couple party's (soo not true!) and things escalated from there. It seemed innocent at the time, he wasn't really touching me so I felt safe sitting at home and yeah eventually turned on. No one had ever talked to me like that and even though I wasn't attracted to my family member it felt nice to capture someone's attention. I just wanted to be loved. My family was falling apart, and as my parents turned on each other I tried to deal with that, all the while adding another huge load of baggage of my own. This family member was staying with my grandparents and my sister and I consistently  spent the night during the weekends. He would often say "it's okay, we're not actually related" but even so I was not ready for what was about to come. First was the aim conversations, then he'd pin me down or pull me into him on the couch for a kiss. At first that was all it was, a tease. Lots of talk, some kissing and then the finale. He had been talking a lot about how he couldn't take away my virginity. I knew he wanted me badly but would not do anything until I wasn't a virgin. One night after staying out late at a party he came home, took a shower and then came into my room. More kissing.  "Take off your panties" he demands Not happening. I just started my period and my panty liner is my only protection as he pulls me on top of him. He's kissing me and then putting something in my hand, suddenly with disgust I realize why it's growing. I had never even touched a penis before and was instantly revolted. His hands are everywhere and as his fingers find my panty liner and starts stroking, I shut down. All of my blood runs cold, thankfully my flight response kicks in and I am able to scramble away. (Thank you for not chasing me down. I think you knew what you were doing was wrong but couldn’t help yourself because of what trauma was going on in your life. Know this, I forgive you) Now don't forget I have a super sexual boyfriend constantly being repressed by his mother presence around us. It's summertime. He has his parents house to himself and he wants me to come over. My parents are away at a concert but thanks to aim I am able to get ahold of my family member (actively molesting me) to drive me over to my boyfriends house. I tell my sister I'm going for a walk and I get dropped off. I can still remember exactly what I was wearing. A t-shirt, jeans, and sandals, nothing scandalous. He leads me through the dark house from the back door to his bedroom.  This is not what I pictured for such a sacred event.  My boyfriend tells me to "take off my pants and get on top". It hurts!  I say stop, instead he goes harder and a knife from his headboard falls on his head. 

No romance, no candles, no passion or pleasure. In less then 15 minutes I'm calling my family member to come pick me up again. During the ride home my family member taunts me about how quick that was, and tells me how he could satisfy me, obviously unlike my boyfriend. My sisters mad at me when I get home, my walk was too long. I take a shower because I've been told to do so by my boyfriend. I don't realize the gravity of the situation right away. None of my close friends had lost their virginity, so I thought it happened like that for everyone. I had said yes initially to what my boyfriend was doing, my consent ended when he started to hurt me and did not stop. It isn't until senior year that I realize I had been raped. 

Junior year I fall in love with someone who is not mine and I suffer the consequences. It's been years and I finally feel that warm fuzzy kind of love and am willing to see past all sorts of flaws in a person and situation that was not good for me. Yet again I can't go to the bathroom alone anymore because some older girls are "protecting" their friend. They've started pushing me around in the bathrooms, in the hallways, going to and from the parking lot and anywhere else they could at school. My body is constantly covered in bruises. It gets worse as things at home are in shambles. He quickly cheats on me and I spend all summer laying in bed dead to the world. I don't want to move, I'm crushed and I can't take it anymore. I'm numb. A zombie shell of a girl I used to be. 

Where is the love? I focus on getting out of this "small ass town" I enjoy my senior year. I've reinvented myself. I fail math class the first half of the year and because of extra credits, I get to have 3 art classes. My art teacher rocks and boosts my confidence even more. I relax. I find an older guy (not from high school) that I'm really into. He protects me and shows great concern when this family member (who I've finally shared with someone has abused me) wants to hang out my more and more with other younger family members.

I start healing. I go to off college. 

I face my demons. I try to drown them. 

Not able to cope with my madness, I leave my boyfriend behind. I get used to the idea of being alone. And then my high school crush asks me out on a date. From those first nervous moments we blend together. Talking for hours, music's playing but I'm not really listening, our accents come out. I feel so comfortable. I welcome him into my home and slowly into my heart. We date and move in together. I graduate college. He ask for my hand in marriage, I say yes and we are engaged. We have kids together. I start to pursue another life long dream of being a Montessori teacher. It's been years since I've had to deal with any sort of serious sexual harassment but then suddenly it's all happening again. I very strongly believe that if you have been sexually abused you become venerable to this kind of trauma and it is easy to suffer the same abuses over and over again.  It isn't easy work because during this time we must go to the root of our suffering in order to start to healing and realign with our true selves. 

I am doing my thing. I love being a teacher. In only a year I've been promoted from assistant to lead teacher. I've found my passion again through Infant Montessori but soon my perfect world is shattered. I'd known my boss since I was little but it wasn't her that was the problem. It was her husband. He starts showing up to my classroom every day. Trapping me and talking with me while I'm trying to do my job taking care of 13 kiddos under the age of 3. These constant distractions became a everyday struggle. Then the comments start. I'm wearing my favorite maternity dress.   Bending over a small sensory table I am starting my day in the classroom, helping the children explore our latest sensory experience. Parents are dropping off their kids and helping them remove and put away their boots and coats. My assistant teacher is an arms length away, reading stories to a couple other students in the reading corner He opens the door to the classroom.  Wide eyed I stand straight up, knowing he would enjoy the view all too much. His hungry eyes ready to eat me up finally drift upwards.  "Oh, don't get up on account of me!" 

He proceeds to stay during the entire class period and peer at my chest some more as he towers over me while I attempt to help my little friends. Trapped in my classroom I have no where to hide. So many thoughts are running through my head. “What the hell! I'm an adult now, this should not be happening at my work of all places!” I'm sick of being treated like this, he stares longingly at my cleavage and I catch his eyes with mine and look into his very soul with a hatred that comes from years of abuse. I have everything set up to get a scholarship for my Montessori Certification. That Monday morning I'm struck with cramps so badly I nearly fall to the floor when they wash over me. 

I couldn't take it anymore! Every day I had suffered but now I was pregnant with a daughter. I had to protect her. I had to get away from him. He wasn't going to stop.  He had done this before. It was only going to get worse. I had to leave. 

Once again I gave up on my dream, but this time it was to protect my daughter.  

Every day I struggle with these memories. I've spent the last four years driving past the house where I was raped. I've tried to drown my sorrows and I've stared them soberly down. My children have saved me and shown me how strong I really am. To all of those sitting in silence letting it eat you up, just let it out. Write it down. Talk about it. Get that shit out! Cry your eyes out! Feel it for a final moment, let it have power, be afraid, focus on your breathe, then take back your power! You are alive! Spread your love Follow your dreams Never give up You are the change! A note to my abusers, you know who you are... I forgive you. I know something bad must have happened to you too. I love you, you can't rush your healing but talking to someone you trust sure does help :) This took me 11 years to write, don't make the same mistake that I did! If something bad is happening to you, SPEAK UP! You are not alone. If you don't have anyone you can trust to talk to, try chatting with me @ ijustneedsomeonetotalktommkay@gmail.com

Authors Note: I found this video after finally drafting up my post. It moved me to tears and spoke to my soul, I think it is something that needs to be shared. THE QUOTES THAT TOUCHED MY HEART

“Depression comes as a gift asking that a woman recognize her own substance and trust it as the quiet, steady voice of her own truth. As she trusts it, hearkens to it, attends as it unfolds, she learns that of herself never allowed to develop when her allegiance  was with the collective…” “Depression serves a woman is it presses down on her, forcing her to leave behind that which was not herself, which had influenced her to live a life alien to her own nature. Her suffering, now substantial, insists that she no longer deny its truth. " “For through her descent, she touches the power of the feminine, the power that comes of being, not doing… the power of wisdom in the face of a very old woman, a face on which one reads, ‘I know what I know.’ “A woman through her descent, touches a deeply feminine authority, as different from the authority of the masculine as is the moon from the sun. “It is an authority not of abstracted, rational, objective knowledge, but an authority which allows her to speak from her own unique experiencing of life, from her own deepest personal conviction.

http://www.mysticmamma.com/the-descent-in-the-feminine-process/ THE VIDEO The gift of depression aka the Feminine Descent by Stephanie Lin

To all of those reading this, Thank you! Thank you for holding this space for me to share without shame or fear of judgement. I love and appreciate you  Our time is now. No more playing small!  We can no longer stay silent. Peace, Love and Light -Mama Bear

[adarlingfamily]

BASKET WEAVING WITH WEEDS

SERIOUSLY, WHAT AN AMAZING CLASS! 

Okay this photo has a quite a story behind it. The basket on the left is one that I made in a class in 7th grade taught by none other than the fabulous Irene! Somehow through all the years of spartoic moving its managed to stay in beautiful shape. Now 15 years later I got the honor and privilege of brushing up on my basket weaving skills with Irene and the photo on the right is a basket I made using ivy, morning glory, clematis, bull kelp and I'm sure I'm missing a couple other things. What an invigorating class, I love sharing ancestral knowledge and cannot wait for my children to grow up in a household with baskets hung in my kitchen. And soon they will learn to make baskets themselves. This kind of knowledge is power. To walk into the forest with nothing and walk out with baskets of berries later in the afternoon is a pretty powerful independence, one that I believe is trying to be repressed.

But do not fear! I just cannot stop weaving! Goodbye ivy, I love experimenting with different materials. Now nearly every member of my family has a basket and I'm not slowing down any time soon. Making baskets is something that speaks to my very soul and I cannot stop now even if I tried.

A beautiful Bull Kelp Gods Eye, keeping this basket strong for years of gathering garden goodies. This was by far my favorite material to work with during the creation of this basket. It smelled like the sea and between the scent and the natural process of weaving it brought me back to a place where I had been a long time ago. Just like that, in the middle of our class, I felt that I was on the beach! I could hear the ocean calling me from her watery depths. Come back to me, come home. 

Words cannot express how blessed I feel to have regained this knowledge lost to me. Lost to generations of ‘connected’ but yet oh so disconnected people of this planet. This is the time to come home to yourself, to your knowledge, to your power. Let us create a beautiful world together.

Anyone have any Ivy they need to get rid of?  Lets make baskets together and sip tea  :)

If you would like to check out more of Irene’s magick, connect or enjoy some really beautiful baskets for sale on her website visit: https://www.woodardcreekhomestead.com

And before I go I just cant forget to give a quick SHOUTOUT to Chuckanut Center for hosting such amazing and empowering workshop. If you want to learn new skills of resilience in the ham check them out: http://www.chuckanutcenter.org/p/events.html

Until Next Time, Peace & Love -Mama Bear

[adarlingfamily]

GREEN ORANGE VIOLET REVIEW!

Raw V.S. Polished? The experiment continues!  I am just loving this gorgeous ombre raw baltic amber teething necklace, now admittedly we are still growing into it but soon it will fit perfectly. Once I saw these beautiful Raw Baltic Amber necklaces I just knew we had to give them a try. Anna shipped to us quickly (about 10 days) which was amazing since she is located in Lithuania! If your little one is teething like crazy, you gotta try some baltic amber goodies. Stop by Anna’s etsy shop and I promise you won’t be disappointed.

This necklace was probably one of the sweetest surprises we have gotten so far! Thank you so much Anna for sending a necklace for The Moo as well :) Although he doesn't need it like he used to, he always has fun putting on his Baltic Amber necklace (dawhh just like his sister) 

As our experiment continues we’ll keep ya posted on what our favorite Baltic Amber necklace is. In the meantime, don't just take our word for it. Check out Anna’s gorgeous goodies at https://www.etsy.com/shop/GreenOrangeViolet

Until Next time Peace & Love -Mama Bear

[adarlingfamily]

NURSIE REVIEW!

What a fun little goodie to help with breastfeeding.

I had already gotten some nursing pillows from my local secondhand shop but this one’s compact size was perfect for traveling around. (not to mention such a cute pattern and mega soft too!) And while traveling around in the car and at home I’ve used this as a temporary pillow for myself when little one was already passed out taking a nap, so much better than a rolled up sweatshirt for sure.

Seriously this is so soft! And even after quite a few washes is still as soft as ever

or when my arm is feeling sore, I slip my arm inside the sleeve.

If you are a breastfeeding mama on the go you should check out this awesome and comfortable option to rest and relax while you feed.

https://thenursie.com

Until Next Time

Peace and Love

-Mama Bear

[adarlingfamily]

BAMBINO LAND REVIEW

The Moo nearly lost his marbles when this package came in the mail.

It was such perfect timing! I swear one couldn't have planned it better. Thank you Jessica for surprising us with a second pair for Little Peanut! She loved rocking her leg warmers side by side with brother for our mini photoshoot.

Such a fun print. The Moo loves these and insists on wearing them a specific way. I love the little bugger with all of his cute quirks. 

These bonus leg warmers for Little Peanut are perfect and I can't wait to use them during summer time when its hot and we need to protect the knees but don't wanna be bothered by pants. I am obsessed with stripes so these fit right into our collection. They are nice and soft as well as stretchy!

I love this mismatched socks n’ stripes sweetheart.

Brother always likes hanging out in her special zone, looking good cuties!

This is the way you are supposed to wear leg warmers...according to The Moo

Want a pair for yourself? 

Check out all the goodies at Jessica’s site:

www.bambinoland.com 

Until Next Time

Peace and Love

-Mama Bear

[adarlingfamily]

THANK GOD ITS BUS DAY: THE INSPIRATION OF INSULATION

Goodbye Oven Bus. Hello to the Inspiration of Insulation (can you tell we are obsessed with Magic School Bus?)  It took quite a lot of searching to find insulation that we would want to use in our home. Sadly due to the restrictions and seriously annoying red tape it was impossible to get hemp insulation like I originally wanted. Other eco friendly options would be insulation made of repurposed ol’ jeans (but just imagine that getting soggy ickk). Thankfully through all the research I found insulation that we felt comfortable using called Roxul, it is a Stone Wool Insulation which is super fire proof (perfect for bus life with a wood stove)

Check out that gorgeous truck bed liner. Sealed up and ready for insulation.

This was a fun frame to build together. After building it in the garage, we pieced it together in the bus and screwed everything together. Then carefully placed sheets of our insulation down. Before we even made this wooden frame we laid out sheets of insulation to come up with this pattern trying to utilize the most from each full sheet. 

Then we cover it in Tyvek HomeWrap, and lay down the plywood.

Measure, Measure Measure. Seriously Dar-Vee presents us with many challenges, but I’m glad we can work together and make it work. It’s magic when it all comes together :)

Oh snap! We’re all covered. It’s so nice to start to feel like its all coming together. This has been a long time coming and I’m beyond excited as we continue with such amazing progress.

AHHHHHHHHHHH! WE HAVE A LEAK! (seriously the worst feeling after finishing the floors! we must protect!)

The window showed us its true colors during some serious rainfall. Thankfully we were in the bus working and have since sealed the bus to prevent any leaks from windows or joints. Man oh man this was not a fun discovery, but we had a feeling this was a trouble area since this was one of the only two other places in the bus with water damage. Everything was meant to be and I’m glad we saw the problem right away and were able to solve it.  Until Next Time Peace and Love -Mama Bear

[adarlingfamily]

AMBER & HAZE REVIEW

What a lifesaver! Thank you so much Emma!  This arrived just in the nick of time. Even though she was only a month and a half old Little Peanut had already started cutting teeth (she was in so much pain). Thankfully since then they have gone back down and we are back to just regular teething. For any little ones who are like Little Peanut and teething early when they are too little to wear Baltic Amber necklaces, a bracelet is a wonderful alternative and one that you can use right away! Thank goodness!

I just love the way this Baltic Amber teething bracelet is braided together. Literally this was the first time I’ve taken it off her in 6 months. We love this cute little bracelet and I feel like it helped immensely when her teeth were getting all frisky trying to come out way too early. The color of the Raw Milky Baltic Amber is beautiful and we are always getting compliments on it.

This has such a lovely adjustable knot. We’ve only had to adjust its size twice. 

Nom Nom Cutie :)

It was wonderful getting to collaborate with Emma and come up with a Baltic Amber option that would be perfect for Little Peanut. We emailed for quite some time and eventually came up with this adorable bracelet. It was so much more beautiful in person than I could have ever imagined. Everything about working with Emma was wonderful, and I would highly recommend you check out her shop if you are in the market for some really beautiful and unique Baltic Amber pieces.  https://www.etsy.com/shop/AmberAndHaze Until Next Time Peace and Love -Mama Bear

[adarlingfamily]

KANGAROO CARE REVIEW

What a beautiful surprise! This shipped quickly and was so fun to open when it arrived. This package come with not one but two gorgeous teething necklaces (WHAT?!) it also came with some lovely photos, & delicious exotic chocolates.

I am just loving this wonderful capture right here. I hung this by my bed for inspiration before little lady joined us. Thank you for such positive visualizations!

Seriously this necklace is so divine. This sweet color goes with more than you would think and I love that the cord is so soft and beautifully braided. Little Peanut loves the shape of this ones wooden button and the double layer of crocheted beads give her a little something extra to play with.

Such a well handcrafted necklace. I normally don't wear necklaces due to my sensitive skin but this one hasn't given me a single rash. Lil’ Peanut loves it too!

What a wonderful surprise when I discovered TWO necklaces!  Thank you so much Varya! I love being able to switch between the two and it always keeps her interested not knowing which necklace I’ll be wearing next. These necklaces that you make are gorgeous and made with so much love! Thank you for sharing them with me, my family, and the world! You rock Mama!

This necklace so amazing. Any nursing or baby wearing mama should invest in a couple of these beautiful necklaces. Your kiddo will love having something soft and textured to play with and chew on while in your arms.

Two different colored cords. White and Tan. Such variety!

Its about time we normalize breastfeeding again. I don't know what kinda sick world we live in where a mama can't even feed her baby in public without being sexually harassed. This ends now. This ends with our generation. Let us make the change for our daughters! So they can feel free to breastfeed where they like without fear, judgement, shame or harassment. 

If you wanna look as cute as me, go check out Varya’s etsy: https://www.etsy.com/shop/KangarooCare

Until Next Time Peace and Love -Mama Bear

[adarlingfamily]

I LOVE YOU LIL SUSHI!         HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY :)

I love you sissy! From the very first moments of “put her back” to now where the arguments are few and far between. You know me better than anyone else and I love your sharp humor and take no shit attitude.

You are my ride or die. A wonderful throwback to the good ol’ days! Every day I spend with my little versions of us, I get to recreate these beautiful memories of ours. On your special day, don't cha ever forget how special you are O’Malley<3

MO WHAT? ahaha I loved every second of these days, even when you got on my nerves and I just wanted to walk to the sand dunes alone. love our shiny knees, light and dark. oh so many memories

DA BAND. Best album cover ever, now we just have to make some music.

I am so proud and amazed by you little lady. You are da MASTA :) YOU SHINE  YOU GLOW YOU GO GIRL :) ITS YOUR BIRTHDAY YOU CAN CRY IF YOU WANT TO, BUT MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST OPEN OUR PRESENTS & SMILE INSTEAD.

LOVE YOU O’Malley                    Little Sushi                    Miss Lyss                     <3 Big Sissy Poo

[adarlingfamily]

MONTESSORI MONDAY: GRANDKITS REVIEW!

One thing that I was so excited to do with Little Peanut that we didn't get to do with The Moo was Montessori Mobiles. And for some time I looked online for different options to hang them at a height that Little Peanut could admire and possibly interact with. After a while of looking at Baby Activity Centers that all looked the same it was refreshing to stumble upon Grandpa Wes with his shop GrandKits. These beautiful wooden activity centers are easy to stain to fit in with your decor, or leave it natural like we did. They do require a little bit of sanding once they arrive but nothing your partner can't handle if you are far enough along in your pregnancy like I was. The only thing I wish was different about this baby activity center would be that the metal screw didn't stick out of the top so much, I worried about her brother running by all crazy and falling on it somehow (paranoia I know). This could be easily fixed by cutting it shorter.

The kit comes with some really cute wooden animals that you can hang. But for my purposes I really wanted to DIY my own Montessori Mobiles. Thankfully it was around the holidays when I created this Munari Mobile so it was far easier to find a plastic ornament to hang instead of a glass one.  Traditionally a glass globe is used but because this mobile was going to be more or less on her level we didn't need any glass falling on Little Peanut.

It has been such a joy to watch Little Peanut discovering and now exploring her world. I love having the mirror right next to her so she can see not only herself but us as well. Oh my goodness, on the move already!

We are getting ready to move into the bus and I love how small this activity center breaks down into. Check out our video showing off how to assemble and disassemble this beauty, its so easy! 

And if you wanna take home one of these sweet Baby Activity Centers check out Grandpa Wes at GrandKits!

https://www.etsy.com/shop/Grandkits

Until Next Time Peace and Love -Mama Bear

[adarlingfamily]

WE BLEED, GET OVER IT, mmkay?

*love this artwork from an etsy shop I cannot get the name for, LaFacade maybe?

I feel blessed to finally be at a point in my life where I feel a sense of pride in knowing what is best for my body especially when it comes to reproductive health. It took me a long time to get to this point of knowledge, I can only hope that by sharing my experiences with you ladies (and men too!) you can learn about things you may not have known about. We have so many options, it just doesn't seem to be (*cough* profitable) in our popular culture to share all these options with teens. We are told we only can bleed a certain way. Only with a tampon or pad. Well those products are not only spendy for something your just going to throw away but actually quite wasteful and bad for the environment! Now don't get me wrong I had been using tampons and pads up until 3 or so years ago. Like I said, if you don't know you have options how are you supposed use those options? Knowledge is Power. It all started with the Diva Cup. Now I have to say since I started using my Diva Cup I have not looked back! Not a single disposable pad nor tampon has been bought since then. This Menstrual Cup is awesome! It is so wonderful being in tune with your body and knowing how much you are actually bleeding during your period instead of just guessing your flow based on how soaked something gross *tampon* looked.

*photo above is not mine!* I have yet to try other Menstrual Cups like these pictured above. I love my Diva Cup but would be curious to try others. How can I make a change to reusable?

Get rid of your old Tampons and pads. Choose a cup (one that looks comfortable to you) Buy it, open it, admire it. Now we move onto the fold, this is how your cup will fit inside you and catch yo’ flow girl. * Do your thing, then later in the bathroom take it out, empty it and wash out. Pop it back in, and continue your adventures.

*Check out this sweet tutorial on different ways to fold your menstrual cup from The Pistachio Project

*Disclaimer, Sensitive Subject Ahead* Now I have to say this to be completely honest to all the ladies out there who might want to make the switch over to a menstrual cup. If you have had an abortion (either recently or in the past) at first the suction the cup creates while inside your body may freak you out a little when you remove the cup the first couple times. Just know, you are okay. This too shall pass. and using a menstrual cup and becoming more in tune with your body is a wonderful way for your Yoni to heal and move forward past the pain. Now if a Menstrual Cup is all too much, ANOTHER WONDERFUL OPTION IS ....REUSABLE PADS.

My homegirl Maureen from Garden of Eden makes some seriously kickass period pads. I got the big ones (all the way to the right) for after Little Peanut was born and it was a life saver for bleeding after birth. These are easy to wash and very absorbent. I’ve never had a problem with leaking or bleeding through even with the thin panty liner (all the way to the left). Although it is an investment at first, buying reusable pads and a menstrual cup (ones you can use your whole life) will end up costing you about 140.00 instead of the 4,000 disposable pads and tampons would.

Be smart, Show Mother Earth how much you love her, and keep garbage outta the landfills. How could you resist such fun colorful pads? Plus Maureen has so many cute patterns to choose from! And period panties on her site as well, which might be a worthwhile investment for something protective to wear when your sleeping or having a heavier flow than normal.  https://www.etsy.com/shop/GardenofEdenReusable

*not my photo*

Remember to Love, You and your Yoni are Beautiful Treat the Earth how you want your Body treated

Until Next Time Peace and Love -Mama Bear