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admiralmatilda · 2 days
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Disappointed again and again.
And again and again.
And somehow you still managed to paint me as the villain.
I can’t find it in me to forgive you this time. Not that you apologised. Not when it mattered.
You’re out of chances baby girl.
Hurts me to accept it.
But it’s all probably for the best.
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admiralmatilda · 8 days
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With whom do I share my sorrow and my pain and my grievances?
From whom can I expect approval and appreciation and adoration?
To whom shall I place my entire heart and soul and trust and expect it back unscathed?
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admiralmatilda · 10 days
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I wish you dare to just be stupid with me.
Just two souls walking the earth searching for meaning, raring for truth, fearless and cautious all at the same time.
Dumb and young. Question everything yet understood nothing. Pretending to know what we talk about and laugh about the stupid way our minds work.
I wish you could let go of every responsibility and simply exist. Not a care not a worry in your life. Just making it through today and trying your best to have a better day than yesterday.
But alas. You had to grow up.
You had to be the one everybody could rely on.
You had to be the one to pick up everyone’s pieces and fix them with the glues you bought for yourself.
You had to have it together and be the rock everyone can hang onto so they don’t get washed off to the great sea.
You had to grow up.
I stare at you as you try to keep it all together. I watched your little figure paddle your way through life. And I wonder;
Don’t you ever get exhausted?
Don’t you ever get tired having to be the best?
Doesn’t it get hard sometimes to keep up with yourself?
Do you ever want to take a break from the dwindling current of life itself?
And I thought how do I help you?
How do I lift this burden off your shoulders?
How do I blanket your fears and sorrows in warmth so they can feel safe and at home?
And I tried and tried and tried. To grow up with you. So we could stand side by side. So we could be partners walking through life together.
But I get exhausted.
I get tired for trying to be good enough.
For the life of me I can’t keep up with you.
I’d like to lie still and let the currents take me away.
And it never mattered that you never see me try. It never mattered that you didn’t think I’d survive. I never cared that I’m not good enough.
But you won’t let me.
You won’t even let me.
So I’ll stand and stay and watch you set yourself aflame. I’ll coat myself in candles so I’d burn as you do.
Because that’s all you let me do.
And I’d sit and stare until I’m all melted and gone and smoked and dry. Until you can see me no more. Until all I was is the remnants of a candlestick, and pieces of a beautiful memory.
I wish you look back at me fondly. As the girl who would lose it all for you. As the girl once was the love of your life whose footsteps you can feel from a million miles away whose tears you never want to see ever again whose loved you with everything she had.
Whose was everything you ever wanted but, sadly never quite enough.
And in your big house with your big cars and your big bikes and your big job and your big happy life, I hope you remember I’d love you when you’re small and young and stupid.
I did. Even if you won’t let me.
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admiralmatilda · 6 months
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You’ve been so pretty this week.
Somehow your smile is so much brighter. Your voice so much sweeter. Your eyes so much dreamier. Your silence much less anxiety inducing. Your shenanigans much less annoying.
Made me miss you so so much more.
It’s my birthday today. And despite saying no I still look forward to well wishes. Im still slightly disappointed nobody at work notices. Im still raring to go home to see what you got me.
I know I said no. But I can’t help but be happy that you want me to enjoy it anyway. I’m ecstatic you’re making the effort of making me feel special without crossing my boundaries. I’m glad it’s you that I fell in love with.
And recently I found myself waking up to falling in love even more.
Can’t wait to go home. 2 days, I’ve been telling myself. Only 2 more nights alone in that big ass bed. Only 2 more sunrises until I can bury my face in your hair and kiss your face that I’ve missed so much.
But I’ve been thinking about death lately. Been thinking about buying all these shit and it being lost at sea and you never seeing them. Or seeing me ever again. And it’s fucking terrifying I don’t dare mentioning it even.
So for distraction I tried thinking about other things.
Not sure what came onto me but I googled your ex earlier today. Prolly wondering if she still worked wherever she did when yalls last see each other. Fr can’t stop thinking about her since she got married. I don’t even know why.
I only found her linked in profile and a video resume? Tried to watch it but got the ick so I quickly swipe away lmao. Scrolled her linked in instead.
She sounded like a delight to be around. No wonder you’ve been in love with her for so long. She seemed like a bright girl with the world in her hand. Even in yalls old text messages she seemed like at least a fun company. She knows how to make your day. She does things that made you think what the fuck is up with this girl but can’t seem to leave her alone just to see what she would do next. She’s so full of surprises, and spontaneous, and she’s
Everything that I’m not.
Made me wonder what do you see in me? How do I compare to her? How long would it actually take you to be bored and be done with me?
And this thought has taken over my mind since lunch.
Which is great? Since Im no longer thinking about death.
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admiralmatilda · 7 months
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I guess you couldn’t have your fun with me around.
I guess you enjoyed my absence more. Which is probably why you were scared to have it.
Ok then I’ll let you have your fun. I won’t interrupt you again. I won’t be a bother anymore from now on.
I won’t invite you out or initiate anything again. I guess Im such a bother. My demands and wishes and mood swings were too much for you.
Ok then. I’ll chill out. I won’t cry anymore. I won’t get jealous. I won’t be a bother anymore.
I won’t be lonely and miss you anymore. I won’t text you and tell you about my day. I won’t bother about yours either since its such a fucking hassle to talk. I’ll go to more work trips. I’ll make more money and stop paying for you.
I’ll stop it all.
I won’t do it again.
I won’t beg to be loved again. I won’t beg to be heard and understood again. I won’t ask for anything again.
Since that’s how you like it. So be it.
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admiralmatilda · 8 months
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This will be a messy one, so bear with me.
What can I tell you that you won't use against me? What can I do in the spirit of honesty and vulnerability that I won't find biting me back in the ass? How should I act around you to be equally true to myself and not be hurt by how you would react?
I thought I could let my guard down around you. I thought for the longest time I could trust you. I thought for the first time I found someone that would be gentle with me as much as I try to be to myself and to others. I thought for once I could wear my heart on my sleeves, and not find it shattered to pieces. I thought for once I could love selflessly and not, again, be taken for granted.
I don't want to regret us. I don't want to regret you. But I am starting to.
I'm not good at letting people in, but for you I try. For the life of me, I hated letting people see me cry. But I have in fact let you a million times probably at this point. So many things I bear and swallow because I thought I should. I thought I could grow from being honest, from being vulnerable.
But you reminded me why I didn't in the first place.
I know you're trying your best. But I do wonder if you know I am too. I know you had a difficult childhood, and a painful past. But I don't think you consciously acknowledge the fact I had my fair share too. I know you probably didn't mean to, but you made me relive the betrayal and abandonment I've known my whole life.
Yet you never let me talk about it. Constantly telling me you're different. That you will take care of me.
But you didn't. Not in the ways I need you to, anyway.
You asked me constantly, if I trust you. Tell me. Tell me right now why should I when you never give me a reason to.
You repeatedly break my trust and cross my boundaries. For good reasons I supposed. With good intentions. But that didn't erase the betrayal you made me feel again and again. As in I never mattered, and I'm never heard, and you never cared.
And if I talked about it, or cried about it, I'm at fault. I'm blowing things out of proportions. I am always somehow the villain.
So tell me what the fuck do I do.
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admiralmatilda · 8 months
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Literally just spent 3 hours scrolling through my conversation with my best friend from August of last year trying to figure out the actual date of our first meeting. Sadly, I can’t pinpoint it to an exact date but I did narrow it down to two probable nights, with one night being more probable than the other. So I took the liberty of making that the official date.
And next week, that date will be a year ago.
Weird how much things could change in a year.
I was just a stranger whose name you might’ve just heard of at this time last year. Anas prolly mentioned me once in a while. And you were just her coworker with an adorable name whose I have never met, much less expected to be so incredibly head over heels over.
I never expected to wake up next to your sleeping face on Saturdays like today. Or to be blogging on my phone at 6 in the morning about the best year I ever had. And especially not you being my only source of dopamine for more than the past 6 months.
The dopamine has, sadly, worn out at this point. But thankfully the love haven't. I was genuinely worried the last few weeks that you were just a hyperfixation. That I would burn out of you like I burnt out everything else. Pretty much explains the extreme anxiety I've had when we hit our six months.
This time last year, was hard. I was struggling with deteriorating health both mental and physical. Around this time last year I got covid too. I had nothing to look forward to except dinners and friday game nights with my friends.
I have less to look forward to now. An even more stressful job. Smaller circle of people I see often. Even less time spent outside then back then. But everyday feels a little better when I can have you be the first thing I saw in the morning and the last person I talk to at night. When I know I had your warmth in my arms as I drift off to sleep. When I heard the ding I set to be text specifically from you. When I get to hang out with your family. When I saw your interactions with my sisters and how much they love you.
The hard things are still there. I still want to give up each and every day. Can't lie and say it's been sunshine and rainbows everyday with you either. But I would remember the trips to mcdonalds just because I want ice cream, the ever growing duck collection, the dorky dances and the homemade lunches.
I've had the best year since the day I met you. I want to have more. Can't help but think that it's a little too much to ask, but I'd still want that even if that's the last thing I'll ever have.
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admiralmatilda · 1 year
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This took me an entire week to write.
I don't know if it was a coincidence or did you had it all planned out, but we moved my pc setup to your place on our 100th days. I was planning to make the day special. I want to take you out for cake and tell you in the cheesiest way possible the "thank you for the last 100 days" speech I had rehearsed 1000 times in my head. But you unknowingly (or not) gave me a way better memory than I can ever plan, better than any speech I could ever write.
I can't count the numbers you've upset me on my fingers anymore. The number of things you do to annoy me rising steadily. The numbers of times I've cried because of you has increased quite significantly too. I don't blame you tho. I can be a little too sensitive sometimes. Especially on the shark weeks. I remember crying because you said my braid was a mess. So yeah my tears aren't all that big a deal to be honest.
But none of those changed the fact that your dimples are my favorite thing in the world. And your annoying dance. And your weird-ass stickers. And your I-can't-pose-for-photos-properly pics populating my phone gallery. And your kisses in the mornings. And your cuddles while you're falling asleep. And your cooking. And your voice when you speak and making other noises.
Despite everything, you're still my favorite person.
I can’t lie and say that the past 3 months hasn’t been tinted in rose. I mean you can tell how thick the glasses are when I thought even your farts are adorable. I’m in so deep now that I worry about the time the glasses will come off.
Will the infatuation fade? Are we still going to enjoy each other’s company? Are my weaknesses going to rear it’s ugly head and make you stop and rethink your decisions? As time passes will I turn into the people you’ve loved in the past? Am I going to be the next villain in your story?
I know these questions are pointless, especially at this point in our relationship. And seeing how laid back you are vs how crazy obsessed I am about you, and how sometimes it does feel like I am coming on too strong and too fast and too forcefully, I worry that I might want to take a step back and reevalute. Before I start free falling fr and it’s too late to take back any decisions.
But then you let me in. Changing how you live. Accommodating your space to fit my tall ass figure and messy fucking lifestyle. Slowly your stuff becomes mine. And my stuff is everywhere around the house. I know it’s been a slow transition and it’s been happening little by little. I saw it changes around me. But before that point it doesn’t feel real. Like I’m still just an outsider in your house. Leeching off of your rent and utilities bills. Emptying your toothpaste and shampoo bottles. Using up your groceries and detergents.
When you changed your room so we could fit my bulky ass pc in one corner next to yours, it really hit me. This is really happening. Like I am now an actual part of your life instead of just a convenient little pit stop before you go off to wander the world. Like you are in it as deep as I am despite being probably more scared of it than I am. Like you are the one with as much, if not more, to lose as me but you’re more than ready to take that risk.
I guess it’s a small gesture. And Im sure you don’t think too much of it. You probably thought it’s a lot less of a hassle to just move my workspace here than to go through traffic at least once a week just so I could get my shit done. Knowing you, you probably thought nothing of it; you just saw the practicality and went for it. And I guess I am probably overanalysing in a sense.
But I don’t want to let go of how that made me feel.
How you made me feel seen and wanted. And how I wasn’t a burden despite being a big dumbass one. And how much you prolly want to spend time together at home rather than in traffic towards my place. And how you cared about my time being wasted just idling while you do your stuff. And how you cared about the things I loved and cared about.
You can wake up tomorrow morning and sees this entry and thought how much I am overthinking something probably so insignificant. And you can tell me I am being delusional.
But I’ll wake up tomorrow morning and kiss your face and thank you for taking me in and loving me the ways that you did.
If I were ever to regret you in the future for whatever reasons, I can promise you I’ll treasure this. And as long as I am physically capable to, I will treasure you, for as long as I live.
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admiralmatilda · 1 year
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We had breakfast this morning.
We didn’t share the meal or the drinks. We each got our own favourites.
I didn’t remember what we talked about while we waited for our order, but I do remember the silence that come after.
My mind would race, fantically checking up on you. Guessing your body language. Catching every sign of boredom to surface. Every flick of your wrist watch. Every tiktok video you scroll past. Every fidget every notification ding.
But this morning the voice in my head was singing Snow on the Beach. Not screaming to me that I am boring you. Not berating me for struggling with my food. And every single munch was vibing silently to the music playing that only I could hear.
Surprised me when I caught myself. The non musical minions were surprised too. Jolted back to work right away. The usual anxiety started to kick in. The familiar noises started again.
I spent the drive home thinking about it. What happened there? Was it a stroke? Am i slowly losing braincells? If the anxious ones were the first to go tbh I have no complaints. But could it be something else entirely? Should I worry?
Then it hit me. How nice was that? Not having to worry about what to say. Not needing to worry about being boring. Would you still want to hang out now knowing I’m actually horrible at making small talks? Would you still enjoy my company if I don’t have the energy to be starting or carrying conversations and I would like to just exist?
I’m not used to the thought of being good enough to just exist. I thought we; me and the people in my head, were in agreement about it. But they let their guards down around you I guess. I just didn’t receive the memo.
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admiralmatilda · 1 year
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8:00 am the first day of 2023.
Fr didnt think I was gonna make it to see today. Just less than 2 months ago I was contemplating jumping off my 12 storeys balcony. The only thing that stopped me is the fact that I might end up paralysed instead of dead. Today I woke up with the love of my life’s sleeping face in front of my face; too damn close for comfort.
Let’s see how was 2022?
The first few months was a blur. Tbh the whole damn year was a blur. I just know I quit my job and renew my lease anyway. My brother and cousins got married. My SIL is expecting soon. I got an iphone and an ipad im deep inside the apple environment now. What else? Oh yeah Im probably getting my ADHD diagnosis soon but it doesn’t count because it’s January already.
And I got a girlfriend. Probably the highlight of my year. After joking about wanting one since 2017 I actually got one. That feels unreal frfr.
And she’s perfect too. She’s got her life together and a rocky mysterious past and probably a crazy ex girlfriend (its a lie her ex is pretty courteous and human frfr). And she have a fetish about watching me sleep? Not the weirdest thing in the world but me???? This ugly old thing? She prolly need her prescriptions checked her eyes are broken. But but but like most importantly she likes me back fksnkfnsndksks like can you believe it???
After danny and yam I thought I was done for I thought Im unlovable and ugly and difficult and I will be alone forever with cats or something but I might not ?? It’s the craziest thing to happen this year lmao wow what does this say about the life I’ve lead…
Anywho, I have someone to kiss on new years eves (my gf), probably someone to buy valentine flowers for (my gf), and probably someone to marry and have an engineer son with now (also my gf). Couldn’t be one I take out anywhere too much tho she’s a homebody and she hates going out so Imma need to be careful about inviting her to places. She gets stressed out about turning me down and Im probably the kind that sulks if she did so yeah I gotta be careful.
Gah im so overbearing i hope she didn’t get grossed out if she reads this (I love you baby please don’t get grossed out).
So what’s next for 2023? I have no plans whatsoever. Just living life day after day. I don’t have anything to look forward to except maybe to wake up and spend more time with my gf. Maybe see some friends and go eat with them every now and then. Or go catch some movies. I guess just living life one day after the other.
My depression? Im not sure what happened to her. I don’t think she went away yet. I still have trouble keeping a regular eating schedule and waking up if not for my gf next to me. I still don’t care if I die anymore than the thought that my gf is probably gonna be heartbroken. I still lie in bed all day doing nothing when my gf is at work. She’s probably dormant somewhere. I mean the depression. She’ll be back when Im unhappy probably. Now she’s manifesting herself as self inflicted anxiety that might hurt me and my gf in the near future so might gotta deal with her soon. I guess now seeing how my life revolve around another person is unhealthy huh? But I think it’s gonna stay this way at least until I get a proper job. Then I’ll have something I can bring to the table other than just whine and overthink everything.
What is more peaceful than not knowing the dangers coming your way?
Here’s to taking life one day at a time.
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admiralmatilda · 1 year
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I have loved you for a month now.
Pictures of you are piling up in my gallery. Cute ones, weird ones, goofy ones, even half naked ones. Still I can’t look at them when I don’t have you here. I just miss you even more.
The nights we spent together increased to every single night now. Even when I’m back home visiting my family. Work nights, weekend nights. Sometimes we make dinner plans, sometimes I just hang around while you work, sometimes we chill at your sofa hitting the ps4. It doesn’t always matter what we do. I just liked having you around. And I want it to stay that way.
We shared almost every meal now. We either eat the same thing, or you’ll feed me your food and I’ll feed you mine. Sometimes we get to cook for each other; mainly you cooked for me. I’ve loved every single meal since. Even the salty aglio olio. And the fried egg with soy sauce. Even the rice taste so much better nowadays. Prolly because we’re using expensive Thai fragrant rice but still.
We have piles of stuff at each other’s houses now. Clothes and undies and teas. My switch found it’s home. It’s been used much more now than it’s been at my house for the entire year. I’ve been looking into buying multiplayers games too so I can have more to play with you. I loved playing with you. I am competitive as fuck but I don’t mind losing to you because you will shower me with kisses after. When we worked hard to pass a level and we did it finally you’ll give me tiny high five and even though that hurt my wrist I always appreciate it.
I look forward to waking up every morning now. At 8 am on a weekend you can find me turning and tossing because I can’t really go back to sleep but I don’t want to leave the bed just yet. I want to stay next to you with your head on my arm and stare at your little sleeping face and fall asleep again, happy and grateful I’m allowed to love you as much as I did.
Despite all the happy you brought me, I am still as terrified of loving you now. The anxiety that I thought would wear off overtime still got me deep in her clutches. It used to just be fear that you won’t like me back, or leave as I try to come closer. It used to just be pain I know I can cry about one day and move on with the next.
It’s not the same now.
I’ve gained insight into bits and pieces of your past you allowed me to see now. I saw how she used to love you and how you used to love her. I saw how much she meant to you and how you might’ve meant to her. I saw how much of you I don’t know that she does, and how much the things we’ve done together you did with her first. The things you said you liked about me you liked about hers first. The I love yous you said to me you said to her first.
I can’t help but feel like it’s all superficial now. How it’s all probably just a courtesy instead of anything real. How you probably feel like you owe me your love just because I loved you first. It’s unfair to you I know. Like you don’t have a say in how you feel and only I get to decide what is real and what is not. Like you’re not allowed to be honest because I don’t deserve or can’t handle the truth. Like you can’t leave because I might break into a billion pieces and you can’t have that in your conscience. But I can’t help it.
I still can’t help it now.
I still question your intentions and what we are now. I’ve accepted before everything that I have zero expectations because I do. I did, at least. Like I don’t need the labels, or an official relationship, or you posting my photos on your social media so your ex could see that you’re over. I don’t need these. I just need you. And your promises. And your little gestures. And you wanting to hang out on weekends doing nothing. And your little I love you too. And you buying a new controller so we can ply multiplayer games. And you inviting me to see your friends. And you taking me to see your family. And you hanging out with my friends and getting along with my family. And you reassuring me every time my brain starts working 1000 miles an hour.
But I’m not sure about that now.
Maybe I need more, I just don’t know what yet.
I still love you now. You’re gonna need more than some self inflicted anxiety for you to get rid of me. And as long as you make me feel like you feel the same way, I’m gonna stay here. As far away from my head as I can, and close to you as I am physically able to.
I have loved you for a month now. And I’m gonna keep doing it.
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admiralmatilda · 1 year
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I have loved you for a week now.
If you tell me a week ago that I would see you every day this week, I wouldn’t believe you.
If you tell me last month that I would have my first kiss with the girl I am crazy about on my bed in a random sunday night, I would say you’re crazy.
If you tell me about the person I become this week, I’d think you’re out of your mind and barf.
Being in love sounds horrifying. I have never understood the dire need to see someone, or the feeling of missing someone, or wanting to touch someone and smell them and taste them and have them in your hands. I have never wanted any of those. Just the thought of kissing another person used to disgust me, but now I miss the bitterness of cigarette lingering on your tongue. Having someone touch me feel like a nightmare, but I look forward to you kissing and sucking on my breast, and I yearn for it more and more. Texting someone everyday used to be such a hassle, but now I waited for you to text me back like my life depended on it.
I’ve been in love a week, and I’ve hated everything about it.
I hated how I want to see you whenever you send me cringe sexy text. I hate how I would squirm in discomfort whenever I remembered how you touch me. I hate how your face would float in my mind whenever I close my eyes, sometimes the cute smiling ones, sometimes the dangerous lip biting one, sometimes just your face staring at me and smiling like a jerk. I hate how happy you made me feel. The love yous. The miss yous. The I wanna see yous. The I thought of you when I’m drunk. I hate how scared I am of losing feelings for you, like I lose everything else in my life, and how one day you might wake up and decide you don’t love me anymore. I hate the anxiety and the intense insecurity I felt when you wants to explore my body, touching and kissing every damn thing you can see. Yet I want you to keep going. The fear and the excitement all mixed up is both confusing and exhilirating. And that turns me on more than any porn every could. I hate it.
But I love you. With all my heart.
I’ve never wanted someone to be part of my life as much as I wanted you to. I just want to always be holding your hand when we’re together, and thinking about you when we’re not. I want to introduce you to my friends and show you off to the world. I want to brag about how beautiful and perfect you are. I want to tell people about how happy you made me, and how bright you made my day, and how happy I am when I woke up with you next to me, in my arms and by my side. How sexy you are when you took your clothes off for me. Your endless mischievous teasing. Your awkward nerdy side. Your cute neughty smirk.
I want to tell everyone this is the woman I love. I want everyone to see how great you are and how happy you made me.
If you told me a week ago that i would be making this entry, struggling to find words that describes my happiness, I wouldn’t listen to you.
Me being in love sounds mythological. unreal. Fictional.
But I am. Big time.
With you.
If, if, IF, one day I were to fall out of love with you, I want to be able to read this again and remember how good you were to me. what kind of person you made me. How you loved me. And how I have loved you. and I hope I can stay strong for you. I will trust your love and your beautiful soul. And the happiness you give me. And continue to be the best version of myself that would deserve you both at your best and your worst.
I’ve loved you for a week now.
I want to love you for more.
I hope you can let me.
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admiralmatilda · 1 year
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I met my crush for the third time today.
The first time we met was when I fell head over heels for her. I was tongue tied the entire night and obsessively tried to find her social media with zero information about her. My bad for not being able to speak. The second time was so short. Too short in fact.
But it was important.
I followed her tiktok couple weeks or days before. For no reason tbh just impulsive things I did half asleep. She accepted and followed back. but we didn't talk.
Until I saw her that evening. She had this cute pale yellow shirt and a pair of shorts on. She was going for a round of badminton with her colleagues. One of her colleagues is my friend. So when I went to pick her up I get to see a whiff of that small figure.
Just as adorable as I remembered.
so the next day out of boredom, i dm-ed her. Apologizing for kidnapping her colleague (my friend) and wanting to make up for it. She proposed to play badminton as truce. Like the good lovestruck little shit I am, I agreed.
We texted (through tiktok dm) quite a few more times after that. I feel like we flirted back and forth a little but I try to not make it obvious so she didn't get weirded out or anything.
Today, the friend that is her coworker, was supposed to have dinner with me. And she invited her. She knew about the major crush I had on this tiny little thing. And she wants to support me, bless her soul, though she wasn't sure how. So she tried making us friends and see where that leads.
I wasn't as nervous as I was the first time, to my delight. She did startled me when she appeared suddenly next to my car but I was happy I didn't have any weird reactions.
its been cool after that. We talked and laughed and sing our hearts out. She teased me like crazy and we do weird stupid shit. We had a great time.
But I want to remember how it feel when she held my arm. How nice her hair smell when she put her head on my shoulder. How terrified and confused I was when she stood so close to me while we were waiting in line. How nervous I was when I noticed her hands stretched across the back of my chair, when the outline of her knees made her way to my back against the chair. How badly I want to scooch closer whenever our knees touch. How happy it made me when she let it.
I'm hopeless at this game tbh. I don't know if she really was flirting or I was just imagining shit. Maybe I just conveniently made shit up to feel like it was happening. But she didn't pull away when I stroke her hair. Neither does she when I touch her hand pretending to compliment her manicure. it was cute but her hands are way cuter.
i want to see her again. Smell and touch her hair again. Bask in the cold of her voice again. Drown in her dimples again. Panics because she teases me again.
I want to touch more than just her hair. Hug more than just her chair. I want to feel her fingers intertwined with mine. Her head on my chest. Her voice saying my name.
I just saw her but I already miss her.
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admiralmatilda · 1 year
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why wont you text me back
D Dont make me wait too long or else I'd think you change your mind For all this time you're gone A million thoughts have crossed my mind
Em Oh how do I let you made me this way
D Midnights that Im alone After I thought bout you all day Melted through my phone Wondering whats the next thing you'll say
Em Oh I don't like who Im turning into Oh but whatever can I do
D G I might be in denial But you put me in a spiral you are more to me than what I want you to be
I developed a pretty heavy crush on this girl and like a few months later we became social media friends. texted back and forth exchanging dumb and funny videos but she stopped replying to me for like 4 days and I start going through a horrible spiral and deep anxiety. so I wrote this to sort of work through it.
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admiralmatilda · 1 year
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The girl in the mirror
You know she got shit she didn’t talk about
Just by the way she let her eyes wander
Far and wide, but she comes back sometimes
She don’t go too far over the yonder
If you ask her what are you thinking
She’d flash a sick wide smile
Her lips she says it’s nothing
But you’d know it’s a big fat lie
Don’t worry you little noodle
Said the girl in the mirror
Her hand cold her eyes wide
I promise you it’d get better
Do your hair, dance a little
Take your time and smell the flower
You can’t see it now but you will
If not soon trust it is sooner
You know she’s doing her best
The blue bags deepen when she laughed
Tales she told lies she hold
All so for them she could be enough
The girl in the mirror she didn’t recognize
But sure as hell got her all figured out
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