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adventureswithten · 6 years

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I know that this post won’t mean much, probably won’t be read, probably will be judged if it is. But maybe if I get it all out there I will feel better. Because this is a big secret, that I haven’t told my friends, my mom (who is my everything and I tell anything and everything to), no one. This picture is a few days past a year old. My marriage was ending, and this guy, we will call him Wolfy, invited me out with his friends to a renaissance festival. My husband wouldn’t go, (again we were on the ending of our marriage) so I went without him. This day started something that would turn my world upside down. I felt like myself for the first time in months, after my husband had controlled me and pushed me around, told me he wanted a “proper southern wife”. I got to dress up as a fairy and be my true self around new people. It was incredible, and I felt myself coming back to life. After a perfect day, Wolfy and I exchanged texts of excitement and happiness. We started writing together and it was... amazing. I felt the real me coming back from a coma. Time went on, Wolfy and I delved deeper. We shared the black spots on our souls, the unforgivable things we told no one that we had done or endured. For the first time in my life, I was absolved of guilt, understood, and made to feel precious but not damaged. My husband remained distant, aloof, uninterested in me, would not speak to me, and proceeded to drink up all of our money. Wolfy became a haven as a friend and confidante. Nothing more. But when my husband moved out, I was left alone and abandoned. Scared. I’d never totally been on my own. But there was Wolfy, to console me, listen... everything. When my husband called it quits and moved out, Wolfy and I proceeded to take our relationship to the next level. We made love... a lot. Passionate love like I’d never felt, his touch was warm and soothing. He kissed my eye lids like I’d read about in all my favorite romance novels. And from that point on I could do nothing but love him, deeply and passionately. Because I’m not that girl who can sleep around, I get attached from sex. But this time it didn’t matter. I didn’t want to hold back. I’d spent 6 years with someone that could barely love me, and now that love had presented itself real and more intense than I’d ever imagined, I gave no thought to holding back to save myself. Hindsight is 20/20. We spent all last summer, sharing poetry, books and movies, songs and stories. And every chance we had that love making where I could feel our souls binding together. We had this saying, that we are one another’a Star dust. Because when a star dies, it scatters and plants seeds across the universe to create new stars. And he and I were born from the same star. He could make me laugh until my sides hurt, he could make me smile on my worst days. He was in love with my singing voice, as no one had ever been. But like Mr. Rochester had Bertha in his attic, Wolfy had a wife of his own at home, as well as her two kids that he adopted as his own. I knew about them though, they were no surprise. But his marriage made him miserable, his wife treated him like a meal ticket. I tried to leave him, told him I couldn’t be the other woman, that i wasn’t this person that wrecked marriages and tore families apart. I know you have no reason to believe me, reader, but I’m really not that girl. He assured me his marriage was wrecked, he had been wanting to leave her for some time, but he was afraid because of his kids. I told him I understood, but if he couldn’t do it, then he and I needed to end. Because I was not going to be his mistress. As you can imagine, this story goes pretty much text book from here. He told me he was ready to leave her, but then rebuked. Said he couldn’t do, and I stayed anyway. The feelings, those intense soul binding feelings gave me no will power of my own. He called, I was right there. We texted in secret, and when his wife said he was texting me too much we took to messenger. Every avenue we could we stayed in touch. But by September and October, I found myself seeking something more. As if I could find my soul mate in anyone else. But I wanted to be loved in the day light, I wanted to be loved in the sun, not just at night in secret for a few small hours. Wolfy didn’t handle it well when he found out. I hadn’t told him everything. That id sought companionship elsewhere... but he found out anyway. I’m not a good liar or secret keeper. By November I had plans to have someone move in I knew from high school, someone I thought I could one day love close to as much as I loved Wolfy. I had to try. Wolfy and I exchanged gifts for Christmas, spent every day we could together until I was to let him go forever. December 29th was supposed to be our last day. But it wasn’t, he told me he had to leave his wife, that I was all he wanted and he couldn’t be without me. We talked about living together, how happy we would be. How perfect and sweet, and loving our lives would be. There was a couple of close calls, where we were almost caught, but it didn’t matter. He and I were going to be together, be married and live happily ever after. The boy that moved in with me went back home when he realized I was not in love with him. I was in love with someone else, with my soul mate. I was working and spending time with Wolfy when I could, counting down the days until he pulled away and left his wife. I promised him I’d be so good to his kids, that I’d be peaceful with his ex and never be rude or speak negatively of her. He knew I was speaking the truth. That I would never hurt him or his family, at least not more than I already had. January came... and went. February and Valentine’s Day. That’s when it all fell apart. Wolfy got me Valentine’s Day goodies, but also got his wife flowers. I wasn’t mad or jealous just hurt, if he was pulling away and getting ready to leave her, then wasn’t that sending a mixed signal? A week later, my ex husband needed something he’d left at our home and I obliged he could come get it. He offered to take me to the book store and dinner, I went. And when we came back to the house, we had a long talk about making peace, that we couldn’t be together, but that we shouldn’t keep being so awful to each other. I agreed. There was a hug, and kiss exchange. Nothing erotic, just a letting go and making peace. Wolfy had been at the library with his kids and his wife. He’d sent me pictures of her sitting right beside him. He wasn’t having any contact with me, so part of me going out with my ex was revenge for him ignoring me. I was hurt, I felt betrayed. What I didn’t know was that he had eventually tried to reach me. He also drove by my house and saw Zach was there, saw us kiss at the front door. But I had no idea, so when he confronted me about it, I lied. I lied. Because I was so afraid. But he pulled the truth out of me eventually, he always does. And I cried and said I was sorry, it didn’t mean anything, I just needed closure. It was true. But he told me “I can’t destroy my kids for you when you’re willing to lie to me.” So he called it all off. Said he was done and we were done, he was staying. I was distraught. I’d made a mistake but dammit, I didn’t deserve that. But as they say, let sleeping dogs lie. So I did. I sunk into a depression, I hated myself, and I tried to reconcile my heartbreak. Wolfy couldn’t stay away, because he says he was so in love with me. So we started talking more, went back to having our days together. I didn’t know what we were, I guess just two people having an affair. He kept reaffirming to me we had no future, it was my fault, but he still wanted to see me. So I was there, every time he called or texted. For another month. Until I wasn’t. An old friend recently broke off his engagement and asked me out for a drink. I went because he seemed like a good person, and I was lonely and tired of being sad. We drank, laughed, talked, I felt like me again. But that night Wolfy knew something was amiss, and he blew up my phone well until 2 am. I was kissing this guy in his bed, but quickly backed things off. Again, not the girl that sleeps around. Plus, Wolfy was still king in my heart no matter what I did. I told Wolfy what had happened, and he told me he was reconsidering coming back to me. But I’d broken his trust again. I tried to explain my actions, that it hadn’t really meant anything, that I was so confused on where we stood. But none of it mattered. He’d made up his mind, and I readied for the blow where he would cut me off, no longer to download the texting app he used to contact me. As fate would have it, he didn’t stay away then either. And since I had hope, not much but just enough, I pushed every boy out of my life. I would show Wolfy I was good and faithful. That he was all that mattered to me and that I could be honest and trust worthy. It was all I wanted. He is all I want. This brings us to last Sunday... he arrived a little after 7 am. I was so excited to see him, I woke up well before then without setting an alarm. He was once again, in my bed, in my arms. All was perfect and well. We took my dogs to the groomer, got pizza and watched a touching movie. We took a hot bath and made love, I laid him on my bed and massages him from head to toe. I told him I’d never loved someone so much that I wanted to serve them. Not like that. He said he knew, he believed that. I brought up having his child one day, he said it might happen still. But then we went to pick up my dogs from the groomer, and his wife had driven by his work and asked where his truck was. He panicked. I had to take him back to my house to shower, change and leave. I whip the car around and gun it. The last thing I wanted was to get him caught. And that’s when he tells me: today is our last day together. I lose it, sobbing and hiccuping. I didn’t just feel my heart shattering, no this time I felt my soul shredding apart. It wrecked me. I was pressed for time, I had to get my dogs, so we said farewell. He called to tell me he’d left things at my house. He meant to do this properly, so we could have a clean break. So he left things to come back for. So we could talk and end things on a different note. And here I am... barely surviving. I’m so distraught. I don’t know how to deal with these feelings. Feeling like my love isn’t good enough, knowing he’s done. He can’t do this anymore, because I’ve lied too much, he can get over last fall. Over lying about my ex. It’s over. I’ve barely heard from him all week. A close family member died of his, so I’ve tried to put my pain aside to be there for him. I drove to his house Tuesday to bring him his necklace he left at my house. He needed it for strength, Thor’s hammer. He told me he loved me, kissed me and hugged me. I cried all the way back to work. I don’t know how I’ll get over this, how I will deal with this. Soon I’ll be living closer to him, in a town painted with memories. The vet where he picked up his dog after vacation and we met up and made love in my car. The lake where we would sit on the dock and kiss and talk, so many places. So if anyone has any advice on how to get over it, how to turn off that love, how to heal, I’ll take it. Because right now I feel like I’ll never be okay again. Like I’ll never find my soulmate again. I’ve lost everything, because I gave someone pieces of me that I can never get back or replace. Heartbreak is no joke, it’s not fair... the pain alone isn’t worth it.

#personal #personal post #heartache #soulmate #all the feels #devastated #crying #breakup #i hate this #i hate my life #i hate my self

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adventureswithten · 6 years

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Oh be still my heart! Just beautiful! I needed this today.

Fault

Tenth Doctor x Reader

Words:2400

Summary: When an adventure goes awry, you and the Doctor get into a huge fight. Feeling betrayed and guilty, you leave the TARDIS. Will the Doctor be able to get you back or are there some gifts that even he can’t repair?

Notes: Doooweeeeooooooo!!! I started rewatching David Tennant’s episodes and I fell in love with the show all over again. I hope you guys enjoy!

“How many times do I have to tell you not to wander off!” The Doctor yelled as the two of you sprinted down the hall, ducking around a corner as the aliens ran by.

“What am I supposed to do? Stay in the TARDIS while you scamper off to save the day?” You hissed back. His eyebrows furrowed into that how-could-you-be-so-stupid look that you hated so much.

“Yes!”

“That poor girl would still be stuck in a cell if I hadn’t come and got her.” You snapped back. You paused and looked around. “Wait… where’d she go?” Both of you frantically searched around you, looking for any sign of the blue-skinned young girl who you had become acquainted with upon your arrival. She was one of the crew’s computer workers- couldn’t have been older than sixteen. She helped the two of you defeat the ship’s power-hungry captain, whose plans were to take over a small settlement on a planet, whose name you couldn’t even begin to pronounce.

“Are you two going to keep chasing your tails or are you going to help me?” A sly voice snickered. The girl stood in front of a door, the wires of its lock splayed out before her. You sighed in relief and the Doctor took your hand as you sprinted over to her.

“You don’t need to do that.” The Doctor said and he pulled out the sonic screwdriver from his trench coat pocket. “This’ll work on anything.”

“Not quite.” You coughed under your breath. He shot you a look and you smirked. The alien rolled her eyes.

“That’s not the problem Pretty Boy.” She snarked. “There are guards passed this door and unless that little toy of yours can control living things, we’re gonna need a way to get them,” she pointed through the small glass window at the group of heavily armed guards just beyond the door, “away from that.” Now she pointed toward the TARDIS, which was on the other side of the room.

“Stand back.” The Doctor ordered, holding the sonic up to the controls and a blaring alarm went off overhead. “Now run!” He again grabbed your hand and the three of you hid inside a small closet, waiting for all of the guards to scurry by. The Doctor grinned. “See, problem solved.”

“Famous last words, now let’s go!” The girl ordered, pulling both of you back into the hall. But as you started towards the door leading to the TARDIS, a hand grabbed your arm and yanked you away from the Doctor.

“Doctor!” You yelped, the hand wrapping around your neck with a blaster against your temple.

“Nobody move!” The crewman ordered, his spiked skin pricking into your back. The Doctor’s eyes went wide with panic. He held up his hands.

“Let her go.” He commanded.

“You are all going to return to the brig and turn over that device,” He motioned toward the sonic, “or your friend here will never see another star.”

“She’s the least of your problems.” The alien girl piped up and fired a single shot through the guards head. You cried out, falling out of the dead man’s hold. The Doctor grabbed onto you.

“Are you alright?”

“I’m fine.” You nodded. Footsteps boomed from down the hall. The girl pulled something out of her coat. It was a small metal device with a large red button on top.

“You two get out of here.” She said, kneeling to place the object on the ground.

“No.” The Doctor snapped. “You’re coming with us.”

“I can’t let them try and take over some other planet. This baby will take out the whole ship.”

“What about you?” You exclaimed. She shrugged with a sad smile.

“Somebody has to stay behind and detonate it.” You shook your head.

“No. We can’t just leave you.”

“You don’t have a choice, now get out of here.” She snapped. The Doctor grabbed your arm and pulled you back towards the door. Your body went numb and your legs moved without you, running across the floor and into the TARDIS. The Doctor shut the door and ran to the controls, the TARDIS leaving the ship just in time for it to explode. The TARDIS rattled and jolted and you held onto the railings with all your might.

When everything finally came to a halt and the chaos of the moment subsided, you were left feeling like there was a hole in your stomach, growing bigger and bigger as if it would devour you at any moment. The Doctor gripped the controls, his knuckles turning white.

“You should’ve stayed put.” He muttered. “Then maybe this whole bloody mess wouldn’t have happened.” You stared at him, mouth gaping in shock and hurt.

“You think this is my fault?” You gasped. You curled your legs up to your chin, wrapping your arms around them. “I didn’t even know her name.” You felt the tears slip down your face and you hastily wiped them away. You couldn’t bear to let him see you cry. “She saved us and I didn’t even know her name.”

“Why couldn’t you just listen to me?” He persisted.

“What about you? With all your galavanting about like you haven’t a care in the world. They were going to execute that girl if I hadn’t got her.”

“And lot a good that did.” He spat. “You’ve been the same ever since I’ve met you. Always wanting to be the hero, even when it gets others killed.” You froze, staring into his infuriated face, his words crashing over you, like a tidal wave swallowing you whole. You stood up. His expression softened with regret as you stormed out of the TARDIS, only a block away from your apartment. “Y/N wait.” He called just as the door shut behind you.

Days passed. You went back your small, insignificant life without him. Long days of walking dogs and even longer nights working at the pub. You never slept. You couldn’t. Every time you laid down and shut your eyes, you saw his face. You could still see the blame in his eyes and feel the sting of his words. You wanted to make yourself believe that he was wrong, but you couldn’t. On the very first day you met him, your sister died trying to save you from the alien creature you thought you could take on by yourself.

He hated you. You were sure of it. Every journey you had ever taken with him had gone awry and it was always your fault. You had gotten your own sister killed and now that poor girl was dead because of you.

During the day, you could put on a smile and pretend that everything was normal. Like you hadn’t just thrown away the best year of your life. But on the nights you didn’t work, you couldn’t stop the tears from coming. You would sob yourself to sleep half the time only to wake up screaming for the Doctor. Every part of you ached and your heart felt like a hollow pit as if something had been gutted out of you. You tried to convince yourself that it was losing the travels and the adventures, and that was part of it. You came to face the fact that you had left the man you loved behind. You hadn’t realized just how much you loved him until he was gone.

After a week, you managed to pull yourself together enough to go out with a few friends for coffee and caught up on their lives. As guilty as you felt about it, you nearly fell asleep. All of it seemed so dull now. Carter with his endless amount of new girlfriends, Mary and her famous on-and-off relationship with Carter’s cousin Morty, and Ruth with her search of the ‘perfect man’.The only thing that kept you awake was the caffeine. You must have had four cups by the time you all parted ways.

Walking home, the sun was setting and you kicked a small stone down the sidewalk. People passed by you without a second glance and you kept your head down, wondering if they could tell that you were broken. You felt so pathetic. How could your life had fallen apart so quickly? Then, behind you, you heard a sound. The metallic grinding noise that you found so familiar. You turned around, your heart thudding against your rib cage as you watched the woman struggle to start her car, getting nothing more than that stubborn sound all cars made when they wouldn’t start.

Your face fell and you felt the stinging tears start to fall. You turned on your heel back towards your apartment only to run into something solid and big.

“S-sorry.” You stammered. A pair of hands latched onto your arms from behind while the man in front of you grabbed your legs. You screamed, trying to kick away the two men as they dragged you into an alley. “Get off me! Somebody help!” The one holding your arms covered your mouth with one hand and gripped both wrists in the other.

You bit down as hard as you could, wincing when blood seeped between your teeth. The man cries out, throwing open a door off the alley and barking doe the other man to get you inside. Despite your efforts, you were outnumbered and they were both far larger than you.

The warehouse was dark, except for a single light shining down on a large metal object. You tried to pull away from the man, to get as far out of that warehouse as possible. Anything that would get you away from the Dalek.

“You are friend of the Doctor.” It spoke in its monotone voice that sent chills down your spine. “You will take me to him.”

“Yeah, good luck with that.” You scoffed. When it came to these situations, you were actually quite good at keeping up a cocky and smug facade despite the panic pumping through your veins. “I don’t travel with him anymore.”

“He cares for you. He will come for you.” It moved its mechanical parts and slid towards you, the men dragging you forward. A hole opened up in the floor, revealing a vat of churning, molten metal. The men continued pushing you towards it. You laughed.

“You Daleks really are thick, aren’t you?” You snickered, but your voice was higher than usual. “You think he’ll come after me? He doesn’t care anymore! Don’t you get it? He won’t come.”

“He will come.” It insisted. “The Doctor always finds his companions.” You tried to reason with the men holding you.

“What’s wrong with the both of you? Turning against a fellow human for that thing!” You screamed.

“It’ll kill us if we don’t do this, miss.” One sounded almost apologetic. They let go of you, but pulled out a pair of pistols, keeping you cornered on the edge of the vat. Your foot nearly slipped and you let out a startled cry.

“He’s not coming you big metal dolt!” You shouted at the Dalek. “You’re just wasting your time.”

“Then you will be exterminated!” It exclaimed.

“I can’t do this!” One of the men cried, dropping his weapon. The Dalek had no hesitation before firing its blaster into the man’s chest, killing him in an instant. The other tried to run but was killed as well. You took a startled step back, the ground beneath your foot crumbling and you fell back into the vat of liquid, feeling the heat rise to meet you.

A hand latched onto yours before you could reach the deadly burning substance. You looked up into the brown eyes of the person who saved you, feeling your heart soar. The Doctor pulled you back up, arms wrapping around you as you collapsed on the dirt floor.

“Did you really think I wouldn’t come for you?” He whispered into your ear, his tone hurt, but relieved that you were alright.

“The Doctor will be exterminated!” The Dalek shrieked.

“Well, I’m shaking in my trenchcoat.” The Doctor sassed back, pointed his sonic screwdriver at the chains holding the platform beneath the Dalek. The platform fell, the Dalek sliding helplessly into the molten liquid, it’s metallic screams piercing your ears. As soon as the creature went silent, you pushed away from the Doctor, brushing yourself off as you stood.

“What are you doing here?” You demanded, seeing the TARDIS near the warehouse entrance. His face contorted with discomfort.

“I’ve been… um, I’ve been keeping an eye on you.” He admitted, rocking back and forth on his heels.

“You’ve been spying on me!” You shouted.

“Well it’s a good thing I was, or you’d be dead!” He fired back.

“Here we go again,” You spat. “The valent hero coming to save the poor, mislead damsel in distress. Well let me tell you something, I didn’t go looking for this! I was trying to get over you and our adventures when I was brought here. For once in my life, this wasn’t my fault, alright?” You covered your mouth with your hand to quiet the cries as they forced their way up your throat. “It wasn’t my fault.”

“You’re right. It wasn’t.” He sighed. “And neither was that girl’s death. I shouldn’t have put that on you.”

“But you were right.” You sniffed, hating that you were crying in front of him. “I always want to be the hero.”

“That’s one of the reasons I-” He cut himself off and you could’ve sworn he was blushing. “Right, well, let’s get you home.” He looked back at the TARDIS. “Unless of course, you would like to come with me. I was thinking maybe-” He was interrupted by your lips crashing into his. He stumbled back in shock.

“Oh my god, I am so sorry.” You stuttered. “I don’t know what-” It was his turn to interrupt you. Your lips moved against his like it was the most natural things in the world. You tangled your fingers in his perfect hair as his arms wrapped around your waist. When he pulled away, he had that famous grin spread across his face and was pulling you back towards the TARDIS.

“Can all our fights end like this?” He said cheekily. All you could do was smile and follow him into the big blue box that was bigger on the inside.

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