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[alexis-nova]

This is awkward

(tw : mention of abuse/sa, trauma, detransitioning, general rant ig)

Well, I guess I really went through the “lesbian questions gender, tries to come out as a trans man but gets traumatized, forces themselves to be masculine/male because of the trauma pressure but starts feeling like it’s their real identity, questions their identity *for the 1000th time*, listens to 1950 by King Princess and realizes she’s actually a lesbian” pipeline...

All of a sudden, a few days after my last breakup I just didn’t feel right about something. I was listening to my playlist on shuffle and forgot I had a few songs that I just left on there for a friend.... and it hit me mid song. It was just this crash of emotions; I was literally trying to hold back tears in the kitchen. The thing is... I had literal crushing dysphoria ages 9-11 and all of a sudden it just started slowly fading as I recovered from different trauma. My dysphoria started I guess as confused body dysmorphia, but after my first assault it started feeling more like dysphoria, I really did feel like a boy.

But I feel like I forced myself to be a boy because I was trying to prove a point to my first abuser. When I came out to her, she... did some things, which also happened every single night we were at the other’s house. But what she said the first time is what stuck with me, that she was doing it to make me feel comfortable being a girl.

I’ve never fully talked about how I actually feel about my identity, even though I have a gender therapist. I was ashamed and felt I would upset my family and other people on the internet because I “lied” ... even though I was just completely lost. It doesn’t help that I also have Borderline and Autism, which together makes understanding my identity just so much harder. Anyway, I guess that’s the end of this rant now? Basically, I was out as a trans guy for almost 5-6 years and realized I’m actually a lesbian with a need for a new therapist.

[alexis-nova]

?

I have had dysphoria since I was like around 5. I started identifying as a trans guy at age 9 and didn’t change labels until I was 12. I came back out as cis, genderfluid, then back out as trans again. Now... I’m lost. I thought maybe I was just a feminine guy, until there was this day where I was dysphoric about how short my hair is, that I don’t have femme clothes, and that I can’t do my own makeup well. I haven’t felt this femme since I was younger. I’m currently 14, just came back out as having no label, and have to find it all over again :/