alleianjune - Tumblr blog

[alleianjune]

“Would you look at those boughs and leaves dancing with the breeze?”

I often tell myself these days every time I open the curtain beside my bed. As usual, I’d stare at them adoringly - like some beautiful parts of my childhood has been rightfully returned to me. I have been longing for this, the “cold December breeze” when Christmas is right around the corner. I’ve been anticipating for it amidst October, but it has only come now in the chaos of November. I love staring at it in the morning, especially after twilight. I wanna succumb into it every time the breeze hisses loudly, shrieking “Here comes Christmas!” I want to feel the breeze in my skin, but how painful it is when I long for our old home where I could have felt it even deeper and longer. You will never really know when will be the last time you’re experiencing thing, eh? Perhaps, that’s the truth about growing up. It also comes with wisdom and grief.

I sometimes wonder too, how another year is just around the corner, every time I open the curtain to this breeze. The thought exhilarates me and frightens me at the same time because being closer to Christmas means I am also a month closer to Mothering a child. I do not know, yet, how am I going to be as a Mother. I don’t even know how am I as a Wife right now, what more as a Mother and Wife.

[alleianjune]

[alleianjune]

[alleianjune]

Way more beautiful than I can describe 🧡

[alleianjune]

It really is a different kind of longing when the depth of camaraderie has been buried by life and its eccentricity. You linger in nonchalance but construed the root despite - just to get a better understanding of one’s self, and yet, you can do nothing but surrender to aggravation and anhedonia. Thereafter crushing to the probability that perhaps - losing magic is necessary in order for you to feel vexed and insatiable, for you to withstand your principle of remaining faithful despite.

[alleianjune]

Current cravings:

Romance, poems and places ~

[alleianjune]

[alleianjune]

The uncertainty and poignancy of life are more tolerable with your hand on mine. Thank you for always reaching my hand wherever! 🫀 (at San Remigio, Antique, Philippines) https://www.instagram.com/p/Cc2zwSqP6jXisZwRa3U7CKCfBL7s9rxlN5LAGM0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[alleianjune]

The lump in my chest everytime I wake up to dusk is gruesome - and is there for quite a time. I cannot fathom its sudden occurence, I couldn't be sure if it's forlorn or fear but I try to make it disappear with countless deep breathings. The lump in my chest sometimes pops and fills my airway with carbon dioxide. Either way, I grasp for a proper air to my system - it eventually gets better and I am relieved. (March 19, 2022)

[alleianjune]

Almost two years of cancelling out of town trips and finally getting one, God said: I'll give them sunshine then rain, then let them pass through clouds and paint two rainbows at a time. ❤️ https://www.instagram.com/p/CWVplIpP17ngNXtcBzJ8T4SI2x_JqDEDt1R0jk0/?utm_medium=tumblr

[alleianjune]

And over the dwarfish hill, lay the carcass

Of once a life that shred people’s consequential sadness

Of a prodigious existence among the chaos of humans

In Earths, thy will be missed and thought of;

In Heavens, thy will have the cleanest paws,

Though in the bleary of wandering ‘round and ‘round

[alleianjune]

I always have this urge to do well in life, maybe that's why a stoic situation chafes me. I need to feel enthusiastic in many things because when I become anhedonic even just for a bit, I would start worrying about myself and think about everything, eventually wanting to rip my brain out of this skull. I need to be active for I'm losing myself when I'm not. I reckoned I'm one heck of an arse for not being able to pull myself up and do things. I need to rearrange something or keep things in order to satisfy myself, for I am always in the pursuit of satisfying my OWN self than satisfying others. I need a novel, pages of it, to compensate for my non-physical activity, to make me achieve feeling something other than the mere disappointment with my own self for being a meritless. My satisfaction starts in me - I need to see myself satiable and happy and moving and learning and enthusiastic or else I'm going to lose my screws and people would think I'm an enigma.  Yet, they didn't know, I am still the plain, tough-looking who needs to be resilient all the time because she needs to. Consoling her own self, however, that it's okay not to be okay sometimes, might be the hardest thing to master for she contains hunger in being alive. She's hungry for being productive that an unwell self could not be an excuse.

[alleianjune]

[alleianjune]

These photos are reminder that amidst the inconspicuous anxiety and palpable stresses, I had a beautiful afternoon.

The dome around me was becoming more beautiful as the clock ticked. It was pastel in the first hours and subsiding in the next hours, which showed a wonderful color of darkness. In pastel colors, dreams can be realized and poetries can be written beautifully - the writer may not be verbose but the words are going to be made out of a picture perfect dimension. In darkness, a hand to hold is a should, for the ambiance sung the playlist of a blooming lovebud but friends' mumbling of experience and dreams was lovely to hear, anyway - friends whom you have made this first time on the roof worthwhile 💙

A rooftop in the middle of the city moment.

[alleianjune]

Thank you for talking things out with me, thank you for being rational when I'm being irrational and most of all, thank you for choosing to stay in love with me even I'm quite a labyrinth.

I'm sorry that I got to be like it on most days. I understand that you have a job to be good at - it's just that, in some days of a month, I'm quite needy and feeble. I need you to hold me close, not because it's convenient for my ego; I need you to hold me close because in this apparent chaos of my thoughts, you are the serenity. I need you to hold me close because I'm being afraid of some thing or I'm being smack down by tangibility.

I'm sorry that you have to worry about me when you already have patients to be worried at, consultants and residents to be afraid of and cases to learn. I am just sorry that it's got to be this worse on some days because I'm being irrational and weak and restless and hard.

I'm sorry that you have fallen in love for a labyrinth. Please always opt to stay in love with me - you might be scratched by thorns inside, but you're going to continue loving the different kinds of flower around for I am going to make everything worthwhile, my love.

[alleianjune]

It's palpably not the right thing to say but I really SHOULD expect nothing from you, even though I am tempted to the thought of day dreaming about something more at times. I shouldn't put my heart on line by catalyzing what you cannot provoke from this mind. I don't want to be your heartbreak just because you shattered mine for a moment. I don't want to feel unloved or unspecial just by imagining something massive that could not adjust to your world, to the kind of person that you are. As long as this heart takes an iota of understanding, I would expect nothing just so I could not break it and break yours. We don't want that - to be each other's heartbreak. I don't want forlorn placed in your eyes, Love, as long as I could take the pain of attempting to expect nothing and not something more, I will.

[alleianjune]

Tangibility 💙

You must never really push yourself into something that you are so dubious. You need to be realistic and mindful of your growth. What must happen, needs to happen; there will always be a greater consolidation for your rational decisions. ❤️