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it’s been a while since I’ve come on here to talk about things, especially in relation to the friendships that I’ve had here and how they’ve broken down essentially.

So I bumped into Joyce today at the gym, by accident and it would be the first time I’m seeing her in over two months. it was surprising to find that I wasn’t played with immediate anxiety as I was before, made me realise that I may have finally come to a point where seeing her doesn’t affect me as it used to and that now we can basically coexist peacefully without any expectations of a friendship ever coming to light again.

it is weird, to go from seeing this person as someone that was a constant in my life over the last 2 1/2 years to basically a stranger that I do not recognise because of the choices that she consciously makes that not only a detrimental to her life, but also to the lives of people surrounding her. Losing friends over a man that doesn’t deserve any sort of grace is a scary thing to experience and realising that this would be the second time a situation like this is happening to her, comfort me in the decision that I have made to cut her off.

No one really talks about friendship break ups which are honestly harder than a romantic one…

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So this whole Joyce situation has gotten too deep imo. I have made the decision to step away from being her friend, which includes me not wanting to engage outside of the necessary polite conversations when in a group and also it is my point to try and not make things awkward by being, quote, nonchalant. 

but it seems like Sylvia is having quite a hard time in comparison. She keeps feeling like meeting up with her is too awkward and it feels forced and therefore she thinks that the group that we hang out in regularly which is four of us will end up being disbanded as things go along. Which I totally understand and it was going to happen anyways given the fact that Joyce herself hasn’t really put in a lot of effort into meeting up. She has been focusing her time on trying to make new friends and also putting herself out there with her old friends that I was told she didn’t really like so clearly she’s not really hurting from the fact that we don’t meet as often.

to me, it is a question of do what you want. It doesn’t matter how someone else feels because clearly everyone is an adult here and we can handle ourselves. And it’s not about making Joyce feel any better because like I said above, she’s fine with her own friends and meeting new friends so it’s not like by losing us she’s going to be completely alone. and also everyone is free to be her friend just because I am not it doesn’t mean it’s like everyone who is my friend too cannot be your friend. I’ve never made that decree nor will I ever make that degree because end of the day what I do now is my dynamic it is what I decide and has nothing to do with anyone. 

i’m hoping that this conversation/topic isn’t going to be brought up over and over again and beaten like a dead horse because that is something I dislike immensely. Let us hope that we come to a neutral conclusion that works for everyone. And if that conclusion is by the three of them hanging out without me more, than so be it. that is just how the cookie crumbles. 

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So I was just reading a time travel fix-it for teen wolf, Stiles goes back in time. And it got me thinking about what if it was Derek that went back in time.

Because stiles is strategic, he knows how to act and when the best time to be subtle and how to get what he wants by moving pieces on a chess board around. He knows that he can’t be too aggressive or everything will fall apart. Scott would trust him, Derek would trust him so he need to be careful.

Derek straight up would not give a flying fuck. Could you imagine he finally gets his happily ever after, has finally healed from losing his family and everything that happened in beacon hills. He is in a good place, he’s married to stiles. And the bitchass universe decides to take it away from him all over again and send him back.

Like I know he’d want to save everyone but I also know he’d be fucking pissed. He has the subtlety of a brick through a widow. He going to kill Peter (Derek is smart and a good werewolf/predator, fight me) and he’s going to spend the next several season stalking Stiles.

Like instead of being obsessed with getting Scott in his pack it’s going to be stiles. He already fully trust stiles and doesn’t bother to hide it this time. Anytime stiles says something about someone being suspicious Derek is all up on them.

Derek to the pack: “we have to kill this guy”

The pack: “why”

Derek: “stiles thinks he’s evil”

The pack: “dam you’re right”

Just cocky as fuck Derek hale trying to get his happy ending a little quicker this time.

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Sadly, I have finally met a person that has called me selfish for not wanting kids and it was unfortunately my own Aunty.

in this discussion, we were talking about affordability and financial stability and I told her that was why I didn’t want kids because I didn’t want to have to worry about all these things for another human being when I don’t even know if I could secure it for myself. She then called me selfish for not wanting to share that wealth.

I don’t get why people who don’t want kids get called selfish but those that do and then do not provide the kids with a stable financially secure life or not called selfish for putting another human being life in unnecessary pain. 

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apparently someone in Edinburgh has been updating the street signs for pride

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Today, me and Sylvia spoke a little bit more on the grievances that we have regarding Joyce.

I was really sad to know that she too was having a little bit of concern, a little bit of doubt regarding Joyce’s character as well as intentions in this friendship. It’s not a nice place to be mentally and I really hope whatever way she works through it will be fruitful and comes to find a solution to this turmoil that we’ve been facing.

For me, taking into account what the high school gang is saying, I agree that there seems to be these tendencies of narcissism as well as selfishness (to put it bluntly) that Joyce presents as character traits which I really don’t need to be dealing with at the ripe old age of 31.

So, the more I think about it, the more I believe the right way to go is to accept that my friendship with Joyce has run its course, that from here on out our friendship will be one that is based in lightness and shallow conversations and no longer will she be someone that I see myself having in my life for a long time, especially when there is no intention to change and be a person that i would be honoured to have in my life. 

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Good riddance to bad rubbish

Mirza, I never thought that someone who I have spent so much of my formative years with, made thousands of memories with and faced so many ups and downs with would be someone I end up disappointed and frankly disgusted with.

For over the 16 years that we have known each other, you made me believe that you were the ultimate cheerleader for our friendship. A friendship that I took as being a part of me that I can never fully exercise.

But that was a lie as all it did was fool me into ignoring every single red flag you presented. I’m not presenting myself as perfect, but i can damn well say I have never intentionally made you feel as worthless or as much as a backup friend as you have made me feel.

You say we don’t talk anymore because of us being on different life paths, but really it’s because I have had enough. I have given you so much of me whenever you needed but never got even half as much when I needed your friendship.

You talked about how we always be at each other’s weddings, dressed up pretty and celebrating love but when it came down to it, I didn’t even get the courtesy of being told to my face that I will not be invited, and that is what hurt. It made me feel like I didn’t deserve even the respect of being told I wasn’t invited, which i would’ve understood had you told me. But hearing and deducing from others that i was not invited? It made me feel small and made me realise that a friendship i held on to for 16 years amounted to nothing.

You wondered if the comments that I’ve made over the past few years were veiled hits at you, let me be very loud and clear now that they were never veiled. They were a public declaration of me cutting you out as you did to me, difference being I never tried to hide it or pretend like I didn’t know what was going on. I want you to know it. Petty, I know.

This is the end of what I thought would be a friendship that would last me a lifetime, and the start of me standing up for what I deserve. And what I deserve is a friendship full of respect and basic fucking common decency.

Nevertheless, I hope you and Phil capture the life you both deserve and have always wish for.

Goodbye.

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what do you do when your friend asks for validation for their actions that they’ve taken to handle a frankly disrespectful situation in their situationship? (yes they aren’t even committed to a degree where sticking it out makes sense…)

do you play nice and support their decision although it burns you as it goes against the very fundamental being of your core or do you tell them to politely excuse you from further discussions relating to this person and that they shall not find no further validation here?

because hell i don’t know how to do this. i love them in my life but fucking never want anything to do with their toxic situationship.

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does anyone have that unsettling oil painting of a dark window with a sheet leading out into the darkness? it did the rounds on tumblr a while ago and i need itttt

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teen wolf didn't make stiles a werewolf because they knew he would be finding increasingly absurd ways around all the absurd Werewolf Rules. some bad guy tries to trap him in a circle of mountain ash and he reveals he's been carrying one of these bad boys in his backpack for months

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it came to my realization that 99% of my fandom related headaches would be cured if everyone understood this

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“Why should rich people pay more” because fuck ‘em

“So you are okay for paying more when you have money” I am not excluded from ‘fuck ‘em’ when relevant

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“LOOK INTO MY EYES AND GET OUT OF MY LAND!” (via Johayna جهينة خالدية)

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So it has been a damn long since I’ve journaled. Been doing good at managing my reactions, working through my problems and finding solutions that work. However, today, today I need this.

So out of my two siblings, I am the only single one left. this has been a friction point between me and my parents, hell most of my extended family. They talk about how I’m such a great person and that it is unfathomable that I don’t have a significant other and blablablaa. And now at the age of 31 (in October) they are basically getting more frantic (although they denied it) and have decided that they want to take things into their own hands.

I have no problems if by taking it into their own hands meaning they were genuinely looking out for people/potential partners that really would enrich my life versus “introducing me” to any and every single person they see just for the sake of me “not being alone” I would be totally fine. By having this mindset, I hope it insures them finding someone who genuinely is made for me since they know me so well and you know I actually end up with someone that I would love to spend my life with.

But alas, that’s not what they do. They pursue the latter. 

And believe you me, I have made it very clear that I don’t want to end up with someone just for the sake of ending up with someone but genuinely want to wake up next to someone and think “damn, he do really make my life better”. And yes, if I don’t find that, then so be it. Because that doesn’t mean I need to be attached to live a good life. I have accepted that my life path may take me on a journey alone or it might take me on a journey with someone and either life path works And I will be happy. Keyword being happy.

So now I am forced to put up with the meddling, the constant “but you should try”, The not listening to what I really want and putting instead what they think I want and frankly my very low self-esteem has just gotten even lower because how can I expect to end up with a good partner that respects me if my own family doesn’t respect me and my needs…

Sometimes I think I put more care than I should into certain people in my life and that probably makes me a giver that will never ever receive. 

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A reminder that israels founding fathers literally weaponized mass rape against Palestinian women and girls and spread their stories to surrounding villages to make them "leave" (flee, intending to come back). My grandmother's left his village in 48 and again in a neighboring village in 67, until they were fully exiled from Palestine. But what do I know about the weaponization of rhetoric to make Palestinians seem like the bad guys?