alwaysinthedriverseat - Tumblr blog

[alwaysinthedriverseat]

Sometimes I don't feel like a real person. I feel like all of this bullshit has to be a novel someone's writing. It doesn't feel possible that all of this trauma could be real life

[alwaysinthedriverseat]

I live a very lovely life. Which is a but ironic since I'm constantly surrounded by people. But there's a stark difference between having people physically around and having actual connections.

Sometimes, it feels like I don't have any of those. I feel so emotionally cut off, and sometimes physically too, because it feels weird to be in physical contact with people I can't bare truth to. I thought I'd made a friend I could connect with, but once again, the peek behind the curtain isn't interesting enough and I'm left alone.

[alwaysinthedriverseat]

I'm not sure I've ever been more than a consolation prize.

[alwaysinthedriverseat]

A warm, firm chest to lie on while big strong arms surround me and equal hands massage the pain and stiffness from my butt and thighs is my new fantasy

[alwaysinthedriverseat]

I think I know what's making me cry.

I've been reading fantasies. The mates are making me cry. I don't have one of those. But I've been wanting one for a very very long time.

[alwaysinthedriverseat]

The trouble is that masturbation is empty. And lonely. Is a quick answer to a biological demand, but *I* don't want it.

I want to be held and kissed and valued and catered to.

[alwaysinthedriverseat]

I was fine, I thought but all of a sudden I keep crying and I'm not sure why

[alwaysinthedriverseat]

You ever notice how some folks are a "job hours" connection and some are the "weekend" connection? Like I know my phone will be ringing m-f til the juice run out, cause I'm the one everyone calls to unburden themselves while they're bored and mad at work. But Saturday? That's when they all go out with their fun friends and I'm not invited and nobody answers my calls.

[alwaysinthedriverseat]

My feelings are all over the place and I feel extra stupid because of it. I'm so frustrated and so tired of dealing.

[alwaysinthedriverseat]

I love being good sounding board . . . But I just wish he'd care how I was before he asked for my help.

[alwaysinthedriverseat]

I am so tired of loving men who find pride and humor in how little they value me.

[alwaysinthedriverseat]

There's so much I need to do but all I want to do is sit still and cry.

I'm so very tired.

[alwaysinthedriverseat]

I can't recall a season in life where I didn't feel untethered and alone

[alwaysinthedriverseat]

Maybe sometimes, people want everything you're offering, in exactly the way you're packaging it, except they don't want it from you.

I gotta learn to be okay with that.

[alwaysinthedriverseat]

Solo orgasms are so empty. People think I'm weird cause I don't want it. Oh well

[alwaysinthedriverseat]

I spent the last two days in bed

[alwaysinthedriverseat]

I'm too clingy and too needy for something I can't name. It's like I've attached the idea of leadership to this man and I just keep craving something like direction. Or maybe it's coverage?

I don't know if it's always been this way or if I'm evolving into something of a submissive. So I know it's that it's scary and I'm sad.