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[alyxaras-blog]

Day One

Technically I took my first pill last night, but today was the first full day of my hormone regimen. 

I am ecstatic. I don’t think I’ve been this happy in a long time. Now, I know it’s too soon for any of these things to reach a therapeutic level but this how I’m actually feeling about it. I’m excited for Katie, and excited to watch her grow into her own woman. 

There’s still a lot more to do. Many many more mountains to climb. But she- I can do this. It will be rough. I might not always be in the best of moods. I might not always have positive interactions with people. Things could still go wrong. But I feel like for the first time in my life I have direction, purpose. I’m not just meandering through life waiting for a reason - Katie is my reason. 

[alyxaras-blog]

I took a macro photo of the pill. It’s actually super super tiny!

[alyxaras-blog]

Journey before Destination.

An oft repeated line in my favorite book series.

I'm excited as fuck right now. I got my perscriptions! 1mg/E and 100mg/Spiro to start. The next part if my journey begins.

[alyxaras-blog]

Pink

All my packages I got in the mail today were pink.

1) A Yoyofficer Shift. A bi-metal yoyo with a splash of pink and purple across it. It looks so damn pretty.

2) A braided bracelet I ordered on Etsy a few weeks ago. It’s in the color of the Transgender flag.

3) My friends got me nail polish!!! OMG it’s so freaking pretty! It’s this color that turns from pink to purple when it gets cold! It’s really freaking pretty! Eeeeeee!!!

Today has been a good day! I had a very positive session with my Therapist, the last couple of weeks have been pretty good for me. I’ve spent most of it excited!  Now I’m spending my days in impatience because I still don’t have my prescriptions. Hahaha. I suppose what’s a couple more days.

I really do love all my friends. It’s great to be able to have emotions and to express them. I don’t know how, but I’ve managed to cultivate some amazing friendships over the years and I swear these will last. Lately, especially with those I’ve come out to, I legitimately feel like I’ve grown much closer to them emotionally. It’s been a completely wonderful experience, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world!

[alyxaras-blog]

Save me

Please save me from myself. 

I can’t stop buying shit. XD I just bought almost 50 bucks in socks! SOCKS! Because they were cute and thigh-highs, and I’ve always wanted to wear thigh-highs. 

But OMG they’re cute af! 

[alyxaras-blog]

To be a woman.

I’ve been affirming it to myself every day for the past month. I’ve had doubts, fears, arguments with myself, but throughout all of it, this is what I wanted, deep down in the core of my being.

For the last month though? 

I’ve just had a realization:

No. Not for the last month. For pretty much since I can remember. The years, all of them. I’ve wanted this. I’ve just kept this locked away: the deepest and darkest secret. And now it’s here, on the precipice of my life. Every day I think about it. Every day I imagine it. I wonder. And it’s exciting to know I’m going down this scary scary path. 

I keep telling more friends of mine, and each and every time I’m surprised, humbled, and especially overjoyed.

[alyxaras-blog]

I really like girly shit.

So I ordered a pair of panties that are purple with black skulls. They came in today. Put those suckers on when I got home.

Went over to a friend's house this evening to throw yo-yos.

My sister Cara told me to "secret femme it up"

Told her "haha already done." ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 

Then on my way to my friend's house, I stopped by CVS to pick up nailpolish. Dark purple with sparkly sheen!

Gods this is therapeutic.

[alyxaras-blog]

Updates!

Well Thanksgiving went thanksgivingly. I got to count down the days to the inevitable freak-out waffling that … actually never came. On Tuesday I got to tell my co-worker/friend/one of my best friends about what I’ve been going through, the one who I tried and failed to tell 10 days prior when we were hanging out. Went fantastically! He immediately asked if I wanted him to switch pronouns (which I don’t just yet) and is completely supportive of what’s going on. I know I trusted him (and by extension his wife) but I just wasn’t ready.

It came out when he added me on Animal Crossing: Camp Clothes Shopping, and I figured then was as good of time as any.

Then, the day after, another co-worker who I was playing with kiiiiinda hinted at that he’d be okay with everything:

Him: Still playing? Me: Yes I am still playing. We are friends Him: wait, are we? Me: We are Him: ok then carry on, sir Me: I'm 21 Him: 26 Him: So you're either "katie" or "pie" It's a toss up, I have no idea Me: Katie. I just named the toon. didn't know what was gonna be my screen name Him: Clearly "Pie" had the same problem I was convinced Katie was my buddy's sister Me: bahahaha Him: Makes more sense that it was you Me: wait. why does it make more sense that it's me Him: Because I don't know his sister at all and "Katie" added me and monica at the same time Me: oh, yeah, I totally did Him: But if you want me to tell you that you look like a Katie, I can go along with that. No judgies

Instead of brushing it off, or joking, I simply told him thanks, and we left it at that.

All week I’ve been excited about today, today was my consult, my appointment for HRT. And my conviction never wavered (this week). I was even super excited this morning! Granted, the drive there, and in the office I was super nervous though.

The appointment took an hour and a half. When I got there they asked my preferred name a couple of times, I’d just said Brian because I felt weird about it. But when I was filling out the paperwork, I realized I was being silly, so I put down Katie (under the preferred section.)  They asked me a whole bunch of questions, about my medical history, what I was doing now about it, if I was in Therapy. Everyone was super supportive and encouraging while talking to them. I got complimented about my eyelashes, which I get so often.

Anyways, they took my blood, or tried to three times before succeeding on the 4th, so I got poked a lot. When I spoke to the NP, she felt really good about everything I was telling her (except my weight and blood pressure.) I’m going to be prescribed spiro and sublingual E when my results get back in 1-2 weeks. And then after that I have an appointment in 3 months to see them again.

All in all, it was a good experience. I felt like I’m finally going somewhere with who I am, I feel like I have some kind of direction. I’m excited!

[alyxaras-blog]

Updates

Hadn't posted in a few days. Been doing mostly alright! Had my second therapy session with my therapist since coming out. It went well. She made me feel really cool about myself, and a lot more okay about next week. I don't have to continue the treatment if I don't want to. I can stop at any time.

That's actually kind of a relief. It takes less pressure off on making immediate decisions, things I know that will have to happen.

The rest of the week went mostly swimmingly. Had a rough night last night for reasons I won't say, but not involved with my gender identity crisis.

Today I wanted to tell someone. My stepsister. I haven't had a chance yet, I haven't caught her alone, but I know her well enough that she'll be cool with it. I'm still seeing it as a fantasy, a reality that's still unobtainable, even though I'm actually attaining it. Or at least down the path. It's still a sort of surreal feeling to it. Like, am I actually experiencing life? Or just viewing it through a fleshy viewfinder?

Next Season on Katie, Transstar. Our hero finds herself finally coming to terms with who she is, attaining her powers for the first time.

-Katie Transstar

[alyxaras-blog]

Cancellation

I just have this... Feeling... That I shouldn't do it. That I should cancel my appointment. Why should I bother? Will any of it make me happy? Make the world seem less gray?

[alyxaras-blog]

Coming out

It's a slow careful process. And I wonder if I should even bother. What if I fail? What if I don't go through with my appointment?

I tried to come out to my friend and his wife today. Hung out with them, smoked a little, watched some entertaining television. Talked about all sorts of stuff! Couldn't talk about that. Just... Too scary? And I was feeling a lot of doubt about it at the time.

I wonder if I should go through with it. Am I trying to rush things?

[alyxaras-blog]

Hatred

I hate my facebook profile picture. I don’t want to see it, at all. It’s not me, and I hate that it is, and that’s what I have to show the world. I wish it wasn’t what I’m “supposed” to do, but it is. 

I wish I could do something about it, but I can’t. I feel choked. Constrained. By ... fuck... reality? Society? My own fucking mind?? I don’t know what to do.

Why is this happening to me? Why me? Why now? What the fuck? I don’t understand any of it. 

(This was written under the influence of alcohol and weed.)

[alyxaras-blog]

Excitement

So... I'm two weeks out from my HRT appointment. The panic is rising. The fear is rising. The... Excitement is rising. I scheduled my appointment weeks out to give myself time to process, to consider, and it's only making me want it more.

[alyxaras-blog]

The good days and bad...

For perspective. I should post all of them. Today was a good one! Yesterday was bad! I’m glad I’m keeping these, though a lot of my posts just seem like thought-barf. 

Perhaps I should put more thought into them? 

[alyxaras-blog]

Embracing

Embrace the shit out of who you want to be Katie.

If anyone, even your other inner voice, tries to deny you or tell you off, fuck ‘em. Embrace yourself. Cherish yourself. You exist because you want to exist. So express yourself.

Embrace yourself. 

(I bought bath bombs.)

[alyxaras-blog]

Good days

What I wouldn’t give to experience a “good day” for once. I’m not entirely sure I’ve ever had a “good day.” Nothing I can reflect seems bright in my past. 

Some days, especially lately, especially today, has me wanting to just throw my hands in the air and fucking giving up on it all.

My anklet broke. Is it a sign? Is it just because I put too many jump rings through the chain? Who knows.

What am I even doing? 

[alyxaras-blog]

Good day.

Today was a good day. Today was about my book, and doing things for me. I didn't have to bat away any dark thoughts. Though, tomorrow I have to formally withdraw from graduate school, so I've got that going for me, which is nice.

I made the transgender ribbon I bought into an anklet with a clasp and put it on. I'm super proud of it. I'm gonna wear it everywhere!

Tomorrow is hopefully going to be a good day too. But, as of now, I still want to go through with this, despite all my fears and doubts.