an-exploration-of-me

[an-exploration-of-me]

i always feel slightly weird when i go to events like bridal showers (particularly those thrown by Straight Christian People) bc like. idk i dont mean this in a “im not like other girls” kinda way but also genuinely realizing that if u are queer or even a little gnc u ARE not like These other girls and u cant really relate to any of their ideas/conversations about relationships + marriage + women + etc and. idk this post isnt going anywhere really it’s just something that makes me really aware of my queerness i guess

[an-exploration-of-me]

i have discovered the magical power of cutting up t-shirts into muscle tees and boy, i feel fucking epic

[an-exploration-of-me]

Girlboy with a he/him pin on one sleeve and a she/her pin on the other. Two people sitting on either side of her aggressively correcting each other on his pronouns

[an-exploration-of-me]

anyone trans is feeling it. yaaass to gender

[an-exploration-of-me]

[an-exploration-of-me]

New binder, bitches!

[an-exploration-of-me]

shoutout to gerard way for unapologetically being a strange and offputting freak i aim to channel that energy at all times

[an-exploration-of-me]

this poem is about being nonbinary.

[an-exploration-of-me]

it's rare these days i get upset because i don't feel feminine enough, in fact, it's consistently the opposite.

but idk. i thought this guy liked me, and then he started being weird, and now suddenly he has a girlfriend who is just... so much more woman than i could ever be. cause fuck, she's gorgeous, i wanna date her too. (i wonder if i could successfully steal her from him? petty? yes. but fun? also yes)

and it's stupid, right? cause if that's the kind of person he wants to be with, we're not a match, because i don't even want to be that person. i like playing jumprope with gender, and leaning towards the masc side of things like i have been lately makes me feel so much more confident and comfortable.

but, like an idiot, i also really liked him. and maybe dating would be easier if i could just be a woman like people expect me to be.

and then the girl i'm into can't keep plans to save her fucking life, so we haven't even hung out at all yet, and idk if she's even actually into me or just bored. she mainly dates men anyway, and now, after getting canceled on AGAIN, i'm wondering if i'm too far on the fem side for her interests.

it feels like i'm stuck straight in the middle, not enough of either for anybody to be interested. i think i may have already found the only people on this fucking planet that were actually attracted to the dancing-in-the-middle, genderfucky chaos that i am, but friends is all i ever want them to be now. who else would sign for my bullshit? should i just resign myself to a life of occasional near-dates but inevitable disappointment?

i know that i'm being angsty and dramatic and pessimistic, and almost definitely creating these insecurities in my head, but they're there nonetheless.

oh well. i'm off to eat my dinner for two alone.

[an-exploration-of-me]

i always was the handy, fix-it lesbian in college. not that i was particularly good at it, i just happened to be better than the rest of my friends, and i went into all tasks with immense hubris. i truly felt i could accomplish quite literally everything with a lot of stubbornness and some access to google

well, it seems that tradition hasn't ended, it has simply shifted. one person told me i looked masc, and suddenly, i'm taking my closet doors off the track and repurposing them into a headboard, and i feel incredibly affirmed and euphoric

[an-exploration-of-me]

Drag (1976)

[an-exploration-of-me]

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and think “this outfit would be better if I had boobs. Too bad there’s nothing I can do about that!”

Reader, I forgot I was wearing my binder. There was in fact something I could do about it.

[an-exploration-of-me]

getting a binder as someone with a relatively large chest is such an adventure lmao

i remember, when i got my first one, having zero hope it would actually do anything. i'd been told over and over to lower my expectations, "there's only so much compression can do," etcetera. but i got it and i put it on, and yeah, i wasn't suddenly flat-chested and boob-less, but the difference was still INSANE

i had that binder for like a month, and then when i was moving it disappeared, still have no fucking clue where it went, though something tells me it'll show up whenever i move again, but today i finally ordered a new one, and, like, i can feel a sense of gender euphoria just knowing that i'll have one again.

[an-exploration-of-me]

let's hear it for the nonbinary folks who:

don't present androgynously

use "binary" pronouns in any capacity

identify partially with a binary gender

have a "gendered" name

don't experience body dysmorphia

don't experience gender dysphoria

DO experience gender dysphoria/body dysmorphia but aren't sure what gender or body would suit them

just experience body/gender apathy instead

can't be open about their gender identity yet

you're all absolutely valid.

don't ever feel like you're "not nonbinary enough" because you absolutely are! 💖

[an-exploration-of-me]

you have to live.

wasn't going to post anything from the new collection before it was fully finished, but in light of recent events

start by staying alive.

[an-exploration-of-me]

this isnt the end of the world. please keep living. that is what matters

[an-exploration-of-me]

i don't know what else to tell you except to be brave and to be kind. take it day by day. go outside and watch the clouds paint the sky. call a friend.

we are still here, and furious. you are still here, and that matters. you can still do and make and be something important. i promise. stay alive. it matters, and you matter. i know it is easy to succumb to anxiety and exhaustion and defeat.

communities can start with tiny ideas. google "dnd meeting near me" or whatever your interest might be. google "volunteering near me." google "support groups near me." start journalling. start a discord. start a book club.

when you close your eyes and hear hamlet, answer his prayer: it's better still to be.