ananyadobhal

[ananyadobhal]

and maybe that is the reason im dying so slowly

From Rudy Francisco’s book, HELIUM.

[ananyadobhal]

31st December 2017

Today was the most restless day of the year. I'm feeling restless as I type this. Cashew and me had an amazing time together. It came. Practically sneaked in hiding from the Godmother. The godmother is an amazing woman we should have told her. She TOTALLY cooperated with us. In the end.

I watched a movie eating kajus lol. Pun interned. I couldn't focus coz I felt warrmmmm and niceee and SO happy and had butterflies in my tummy coz ong I like kajus. Although now. Kajus are pretty idk. I danced with them and I remember how happt they looked. Not hot but SO happy. It was fucking beautiful. Kept putting their arm around me as we watched the movie on the sofa and WOW it felt SOO AMAZING. Goodbye was hard. We hugged for around an hour but the hug was IGERHJAHWHWHVAHAHH it got claustrophobic from time to time idk. Idk if I like kajus. Kaju told me to brush my teeth seven times that day. It was. Awkward as hell. I feel guilty for relishing kajus. I wonder what kajus think of me. And I wonder what I think of them. It was nice and NEW the flavours we experienced today. But I wasn't like. That. Day. At jiinks. Where I was falling. Today I fell. And it felt. I DONT KNOW I THINK I DONT LIKE KAJUS NOW WTF. I think that. Idk why. I should feel the opposite but I don't. I can't. I'm done with this shit I think. I broke principles FOR THIS. I'm an idiot BUT IT WAS AMAZING. Idk what to feel. I feel. Lost. So lost. So lost. I've never felt like this. Idk.

[ananyadobhal]

7 December

So today. A girl from my class sent me a cute ass fan mail including beautiful words of praise for me. This is sarcasm.

Its typical of me to shrug off anything that doesn't mean shit to me. And this was the first mean piece of writing composed for me. I embrace it with open arms.

The thing about beauty is. The NUMEROUS perspectives. You'll find flowers pretty. But me? I'm a fairylight. Just as pretty as your flowers, just. Different. Having a manly face and bushy hair or braces stuck to your teeth; doesn't make you ugly. The idea of you not looking gorgeous the way you are. Is ugly.

And it's pretentious. The stuff we hear about inner beauty and how a pretty face is not all you need in life. It is.

Let me just. Kick my conceited ass and proclaim that I'm average asf. But the best thing about being average is the eradication of the pressure of not looking pretty for you'll all the time. When I walk around the city, I do it without a mirror attached infront of my face 24*7 and that, is a blessing. Because with that. I allow myself to feel beautiful when I burst into laughter flashing my uneven teeth, beautifully unaware about how people won't hate me for my unaligned canines. But blissfully aware of how the sound of my own laughter merging with everyone else's makes all of us forget the fact that 'smiling will lead to wrinkles' :)) This. is the 'non pretentious' part.

[ananyadobhal]

The best day of my life. I MEAN ALL SUCH DAYS ARE THE BEST BUT THIS IS ONE OF THEMMMMMM. Wohooooo.

It started with a bright smile and DNCE's Good Day on the radioooooooo.

And the best part wassssssssss.? I TOLD KAJU MY HEART WAS BREAAAKKKINGGGG AND KAJU FIXED IT. Lmaoo ik this is SO cliché but 😃♥️ I LOVE LIFE RN. School is lit. Adrika's no more a bitch. Kaju kissed my cheeks today and I realised I'm not jelly of ayanaaaa. And that I love my fam and my friends and I all I have to do is studyyyy to let my bud burst into a flower of everlasting energy and beauty and all things gooooood. 14th November is gonna be another Good Day WOHOOO. I'm getting a grip on myself now :") and I'm no more an emotional mess nor do I crave kajus. Coz kajus are mineeee 💖💖 but kajus are prudes. But I was over that looong back :') BUT JEGAGTFAHAHAUHSG I LOOOOVVVVEEE LIFE THANK U GOD FOR WVERTHING I LOVE YOU THANK YOU COSMIC POWERS FOR MAKING EBERTHUNG FALL INTO PLACE SOOO PERFECTLY ILL MAKE THE BEST OUT OF THIS.

[ananyadobhal]

Things and people that leave you in awe are awful. Hoe ironic.

Meh.

[ananyadobhal]

The best part of this journal is. Reading it makes me feel so amazing; it's like reading my favourite author's book all over again.

My head

[ananyadobhal]

Today was on of the bad days. The worst if I exaggerate it.

I kinda realised how fucked up I am. And how easily I flare up, not really; break down infact. Flaring up would be a better alternative coz it would prevent me bursting into flames suddenly burning out every heart I care about. Tbh. I don't even know which hearts I care about anymore. I think I've been lying to myself for a long long time. And the cosmos are punishing me for it. I've been lying about who I am. I've been lying about the things I like. The people I like. But i always save myself blaming it on my confused hormones. But I gotta face it, I'm fucking my own life. I'm chasing the wrong things. Crying over the wrong stuff. Assuming TOTALLY wrong stuff.

My screwed up hormones led me to believe I was in love with kaju. But lmaoo. It was just an short term, forced infatuation which blowed up into something more. Which is pitiful. It shouldn't have. Cause kaju turned out to be a bitch.

The thing with kaju is, that he's just another kid. And he was probably experimenting with life experiences while I was drowning in true love.

So when kaju told me that he "didn't love me enough" or felt that he didn't for that matter 🙄it broke. The heart. And my patience with all the lovey Dovey shit that had gotten into my brains cause I grew up watching chick flicks. Kaju starred as the hero of my real life version of the book 'never kiss your best friend' (trust me I am still trying not to) not now tho. Coz I'm over it. But I've said that before. So I sorta don't trust myself with this.

Anyways. Rasgulla has been the reason for my frustration and sadness for quite a while. I know she doesn't piss me off on purpose, but she has been doing it. Or maybe it's cause I'm overthinking a lot of things. Rasgulla and kaju seemed to have bonded over my one week trip to Dubai 🙂🙂and me be brutally honest. I'm hating it(although deeeeeeep in my heart I'm smiling coz I LOVE THEM😭♥️ and even though they make me cry, I can't help but love them. Also, they're like, such LOSERS but idk why, I love them) I'm hating it coz rasgulla has been very touchy with kaju lately and it's sorta, weird. And I used to like kaju(Even though that's SO not the reason of my uncomfortableness) I just thought that rasgulla would be considerate enough to altleast make an effort to not act weirdly coz it would MAYBE break my heart. And she paid no attention(deep in my heart I forgive her coz she's kiddish and doesn't know what to do with her own feelings let alone be concerned about others. It's brutally honest and I feel no shame to admit this COZ SHE BROKE MY HEART) she cried today. Idk why. Maybe coz she realised this. I somewhere hope she did.

Kaju on the other hand. Was confused af. And tried to make things better. Tried to make rasgulka feel better. And this time. I didn't cringe while he did it. So maybe I'm not a psycho after all :") AND AN INSECURE BITCH

As a conclusion: Kaju. Is not my Bestfriend. Brutally honest. Yes he's not. He broke my heart. And didn't try to fix it. LMAOO FUCK IT. He doesn't even know he broke it in the first place. Brutally honest checkpoint again. I never really accepted him as a Bestfriend. Or a good friend too. It happened coz of the hormonal imbalance and the lovey dovey shit. That's what made me want kaju to have that place in my heart. And I overlooked everything. I overlooked the fact that he watches anime and I watch chick flicks. I overlooked the fact that he wasn't there for me at the darkest phases of my life. ( but I forgive him for this coz 1. Nobody was lol 2. There was no way he could be there coz he's a kiddo who lives 20 kilometres away from me. And my life's not a movie I NEED TO GET OVER IT UGH) anyways. I'd like to include a 'yet' here. Coz I love kaju. Not in a. I wanna kiss you on your face kinda love. But. Another kinda. Unexplainably overwhelming kinda love. That's how I love rasgulla. Rasgulla is dumb(not really coz she has the brains to talk such deep shit that'll make you shit your pants. But she's just a bit. Offtracked. She needs the right kinda inspiration. An overall judgement says that she's the most sorted and kindest person who I've ever met. And the only friend who really really loved me. Unconditionally. And I'm so lucky to have a friend like her.)

[ananyadobhal]

I'll keep my ego. I'll keep my conceit. I'll keep my reality. And I'll shamelessly embrace my imperfections. Coz that's what makes me, me.

[ananyadobhal]

Let's make this a freaking journal.

Puberty's a bitch; so lately; I've been bubbling with anxiety, depression and self-pity. But I come back to being a normal human being who ties to get a grip from time to time. The thing with me is, I LOVE to talk. And I'm screwed because most of the people I talk to, hate to listen. It's a common issue for a many, I therefore drown in misery for feeling so many feelings at once, feelings that cannot be bottled up into a cocoon, and I hate being a cocoon; which I highly ironic coz I have a thing for butterflies, where whenever one's around me; I feel overwhelmingly awed and calm and amazing and happy and all good things. Thanks to the mystically wonderful wiring of my brain. Here's a thing, I'm good at typing more than I'm at talking. Which sorts me out as a hardcore introvert. And clap at this; I have always described myself as an extrovert, because I somewhat patronise them. And I ALWAYS patronise the wrong stereotype, I always try to fit myself in situations and personalities that are not me. It's partly because I'm still a kid with a a hazy heart and indecisive neurons who's still trying to find herself in the world full of overwhelming realities. And I SO wish I could find someone who could walk me through it and knowing the kind of person I am(I sorta know myself now), I'd never admit this. I'd never admit that I need help and support and love and care because I fail to let the world visualise me as the little crybaby I am. Which, trust me I am. I keep trying to ge... JOURNALS ARE SO MUCH FUN EOWOOWWOW I FEEL SO LIGHT AND WOWOW....get other people out of shit when I myself am I'm deeeeep...ression shit. But there's always a ray of hope that punctures through all things bad and uplifts me, saves me. But now, I'm running out of those things.

[ananyadobhal]

It's on nights like these.

You type and type and type because of all the thoughts racing through your head. Sad thing; I can't put it all down. Lay it out in a way for others to relate to because, explaining all of this. Is similar to trying to fit in a jigsaw puzzle without a layout. A metaphor for life.

It's alright to feel overwhelmed by the sea of syllables you cannot phrase into sentences. It's alright to get a feel of a catastrophy dawn upon you, until you realise. A claustrophobic mind is synonymous to catastrophy.

I therefore. Write it down. First for myself and then for you'll.

[ananyadobhal]

Destroy the idea that it’s humble to hate yourself. Destroy the idea that loving yourself is conceited.

[ananyadobhal]

Why are you so good to me?

This question always fucks me up. It doesn’t matter if someone special asked you or if you asked someone who meant the world to you… It fucks me up every time and I just… I don’t know. (via poetryleftbyher)

[ananyadobhal]

Original AF

[ananyadobhal]

a soul saving love

Doubting Times - Nickel Creek (via a-daisy-daydream)

[ananyadobhal]

[ananyadobhal]

Lost in the oblivion

I stood at the seashore, as I felt the sand squishing underneath my toes till the waves formed a perfect foamy pattern as they hit the shore. The sea swallowed the sun as the sky blended into a mosaic of different shades of Crimson. I could hear the whispers of the cool breeze and I heard it saying that life’s gonna be good. I smiled in reply to this condolence. My eyes were shining, the wondrous works of my forgotten tears. The sun was still drowning as I walked along the seashore debating with myself about the existence of God. And I came to a conclusion that maybe the universe isn’t just complex physics alone. I smiled coz I couldn’t feel the tears rolling down my cheeks anymore. I came to a halt and stood there till felt my heart break into pieces. I then knew what oblivion felt like. ~Ananya Dobhal

[ananyadobhal]

I really do miss you I’m sorry