andillbeancuteboyifiwantto - Tumblr blog

[andillbeancuteboyifiwantto]

it’s always like 3am when my mind won’t shut off and my heart is threatening chronic pains again lately when i seek that conversation not how i was taught and i feel bad hi god, it’s me again with all my anxieties hey god it’s me always with the same old bullshit script i’m sorry i know people often only pray when they want things i swear i’m trying, you know that right? i’m trying to handle it all myself and i really am so fucking thankful for everything, always is it silly? it’s always the same words maybe the apologies, the gratitude balances it out and hey god i really just fucking want it all to get better can you help me just an little bit more? and hey i miss you this mortal life fucking sucks my body wants to eat itself alive with an brain that’s cheering it on as it whimpers in fear it’s all been so much, you know that i’m pretty sure you get why my scripted prayers are what they are why it’s always after every single long day or not for several of them it isn’t how they taught me i think maybe you like the gibberish at the end better all so much more personable even if it seems the same old nonsense

[andillbeancuteboyifiwantto]

idle till the water boils pouring in the pasta you never liked whole wheat even just last week it was met with nose wrinkling and what does this mean feet on the hard floor thinking about the state of this spinning rock about the pain in your chest, you can’t afford medical care for you’ve buried somebody chronically ill and you don’t want to be the next to go used to dream about it and now you wish you could rewind savor when your body wasn’t trying to eat itself whole starving, hurts far more than apathetic lack of appetite when you’re too poor, you’ve always been but it just worsens

as your heart falters your ribs try to collapse nervous system burning your muscles alive how do you break the news- that you’re the next in line get them to let you go they can’t afford it, you can’t afford it not knowing the specifics is all that keeps you going stifled coughs that might be an rib to the heart sack you’ve seen the tears they shed for one who kept defying death clutching so tightly; it had to have been agony for them for the body now buried i refuse to torture myself, torture you as my body fails itself stirring the pasta how do i begin to tell them in an way they might understand let your broken loved one go it’s long overdo and i offer nothing but suffering for all eating the pasta like it might heal me or pacify the pains whole wheat pasta won’t cure my head, or body supplements, vitamins wont make up for years of agony or the starvation i can’t decipher the cause of drinking caffeine despite the murmurs of my heart to feel an little happiness, be an little awake and alert

if only i could hug 12 year old me tell him to take better care, fight harder take advantage of the barely there healthcare while able most of all to hug him this is all scarier than what i became comfortable with

[andillbeancuteboyifiwantto]

rolling the dice giving death the middle finger forcing oxygen into my damned lungs young child, sickly asthmatic thing developed allergy to a frequent, favorite food nearly lost my life that night push pop treat from the er doc and i’m a cheater when my head was held under that water managing to escape that grasp or when i sunk in the water that other day indescribable fear, peace.. death didn’t get me then either i didn’t tumble down that mountain caught myself last second avoid the bushes that could kill me now he doesn’t answer my calls so promptly and sometimes it hurts the most he tried to steal me away once random dizziness unlike any other almost bashed my head into the counter gritted my teeth and said no thanks wasn’t the first attempt, nor the last different flavors other times he just leaves me on read he takes away my loved ones yet never granted my wish strange partnerships with death maybe- sometimes I think I’m the good old reaper myself thus why it all is a big mess

[andillbeancuteboyifiwantto]

oh carry the burden you shouldn’t have to protect them in ways you weren’t only for you to lose them anyways it’s the cost of being older you were only ever meant to lose watch them intertwine with your abusers fall prey to terrible influences while pointing it out would only risk further damages carry the burden protection, self hatred, and shame self preservation did you do right by them did they mean their harsh words would it have been better to not bother at all it never even crossed your mind carry the burden protect them sacrifice, forgive bite your tongue bloody weep for them

[andillbeancuteboyifiwantto]

Can you play with my hair? Fingers carding through it Ever so lightly, as I curl up to you And can you ask permission first- Even though you don’t need it And can you stay over tonight Not for carnal desires My desires aren’t of that nature We can tangle up underneath the covers Intertwined legs, my head on your chest Do you think you could love me? In your own way Even though I’m fucking hard to love We can watch movies on the couch Holding hands, warm inside an blanket And can we have dinner tomorrow We could tackle it together Dance to music in the kitchen It’s quite reasonable Laughter, kisses Many voices calling this love filthy Oh so many reasons we could shatter Yet I love you So let’s put on our suits, slow dancing In the living room with lights reflecting In the glow of our loving gazes Pupils dilated out of adoration No cares in the world It’s worth the hardships, my dear

[andillbeancuteboyifiwantto]

singing praises of it gets better they never warned me what happens if it grew with you with me since the womb it nearly took my life so many times there never was a me without It the parasites kept me alive rotting away my insides well what now? you can’t slay the dragon without killing the person and I can’t heal or work it out without physical repercussions so it’s an standoff twirling the sword in my hand every slice, is an stab to the gut it gets better but its eating my insides perpetual panic attack it’s going to eat my heart sack rotten and how my bones do crumble as i fail to even get one hour reprieve at night too busy clutching at my skin begging to go backwards repressing, it kept the decay at bay the human body is intriguing minds are so fascinating nobody warned me aside losing myself, in the name of betterment that i might just finally meet the reaper

[andillbeancuteboyifiwantto]

best by dates featherless, full can in hand consumed by inner turmoil bare feet on kitchen tile yet it has slipped away, white noise thoughts of stupid human shit waste absurd etched scars of all the lies why are we this way is it really even your life to live? one accident could end it and others can debate pulling the plug keep you selfishly alive, despite organ failure the thought makes me tremble or that to barely scrape by- costs more than is possible healthcare, or bills box of pasta/can of sauce or toothpaste you can’t afford any of it even if you worked twenty jobs when am i allowed to pull the plug? i don’t want to be dead, not really don’t qualify for the circus of governmental bs can’t earn a single cent best by dates my expiration is long past years of mental illness, poverty this body is crumbling in prolonged agony heart in constant pain nothing fixes it 22 years at risk of heart failure from 22 far too long years on this rock hurtling through space this suffering is cruel, naught for any purpose yet it’d be oh such an waste in other eyes best by dates, stupid can in my hand abandoned

[andillbeancuteboyifiwantto]

cotton candy memories whispy, fluff quickly dissolved leaving you wondering if it ever was substance at all these cotton candy memories are a costly price to call a life nobody seems to understand being so scared, so young lost face, names, and places that might never surface again mementos of blurry once important somebody’s tears streaming down in frustration remembering some image but nothing else clinging to even the most ordinary moments please don’t let me forget this please stay with me fuck and you cling to others in a way they’ll never grasp only to be forever left behind without even a goodbye leaving you to question if they ever really existed anything of any substance when people burn things in the name of healing you can’t picture yourself doing so it had appeal but you could never rediscovery is blessing, a curse memories resurfacing to rejoice in even the horrific ones a fight with an old friend seeing that face in your mind again or where you got that random keychain that you chew on sometimes field of flowers where you felt calm for hours out of nowhere because of grocery store flowers

[andillbeancuteboyifiwantto]

it comes to you so naturally every i love you, all the time with meaning yet those words are like weights in my throat and writing or typing is easier than speaking it but i never think to say it i love you, i love you, fuck i love you trying to teach myself to scream my love from rooftops that i appreciate those in my life yet every person leaves so i’ll bite my mouth bloody chew on my fingers instead of admit... caring trying to teach myself genuine, frequent usage yet when i try to let you know you’re already leaving my life radio silence and brutal static i love you i really fucking love you it’s too late, why do i bother how can i be so damn stupid

[andillbeancuteboyifiwantto]

the devil’s the first to get cast aside by family kicked to the curb and honestly nobody really knows why maybe he was jealous of Eve of both Eve and Adam’s relationship perhaps it was an mess of good intention yet when i saw i sympathize don’t demonize who i am for seeing the humanity recognizing the patterns of life the devil is wanting to be loved to be bastardized by your own flesh and blood for things out of your control or daring not be as expected it’s a title, demonization thrust upon you by others other use aside of using it to minimize actions or deflect blame he dyes his light hair dark chopping it haphazardly telling the mirror “fine i’m an fuck up” trying to reclaim his body, his life rolling his eyes at all the bullshit and can’t run away from who he was what everybody assumes the devil holds open doors but damn right he’ll flip an bigot off not because he’s evil incarnate but because he’s only really just human an lost soul, traumatized and abandoned he’s not whispering in my ears telling me to be trans, or kiss boys there is only silence, myself and my own actions

[andillbeancuteboyifiwantto]

i want to be pretty but undeniably as a man in my non standard and messy eyeliner with my messy short colorful hair i want to be handsome even if i accent black with lilac kick ass motherfucker in my boots, my ear cuffs cool earrings in those too young, pierced ears i want to be pretty wearing a really cool skirt among the chains, rings dark colors contrasted with brighter ones pretty boy in the badass way not in the i associate this with your shitty biology way escaped the shitty standards and self hatred pretty boy i want to be myself have fun when i want to without cursing my existence make this body home hormones, surgery, therapy then i’ll be the most badass fucking pretty boy ever whenever i feel like it i can be pretty and i can be handsome what i’m seeking is Freedom to come across as Human as Myself whatever silly style choices i make really sucks it’ll have taken ages yet i’ll get there just you watch

[andillbeancuteboyifiwantto]

when you’re upset i’m always the target of all your emotions, all the time years of sacrificing for you biting my tongue all these years your mental health is more important than mine and you enjoy tormenting me it’s no secret nothing is enough it’s like i wasted it all away yet i swallow the words despite being below rock bottom physical health complications... removed from the situation is when my nose begins to bleed as every part of me is worn out despite being threadbare love it’s killing me, it won’t let me leave

[andillbeancuteboyifiwantto]

betrayal incarnate wrong puberty damaging my ribs my lungs causing blood to spill monthly frail body since childhood living inside a frame that isn’t mine biggest stab in the back from what’s meant to protect me most right now it’s like i’m dying and i don’t think it’s purely physical and or anymore stress, anxiety of it makes it worst god i want ignorance healthcare costs too fucking much can’t heal the body if you can’t treat the mind you can’t treat the mind, without major physical tactics weak lungs throttle my oxygen as well the weight that doesn’t belong on my ribs paired with a fine aged childhood mental illness stress that probably has become parasitical long ago i stopped wanting to die but it sure seems like i’m doomed betrayal incarnate look up the symptoms another doom scrolling really though i just want to not know if this judas is going to keep trying can it just be peaceful, painless a sugar sweet ignorance till demise happens

[andillbeancuteboyifiwantto]

it’s a really annoying comedy the play is my outrageous life constantly finding new lows while i’m begging for release my eyes dry until they pour out while i’m laughing hysterical, shattered to pieces too many times laughter screaming into a bundled up blanket to muffle in an building where sound carries then the cause for the final ripped stitch gets spoiled for having 1 emotional outburst an absurd sharpie etched turn of the page i couldn’t make up, wouldn’t make up in my wildest dreams

[andillbeancuteboyifiwantto]

been a while since i’ve talked about like Religion here (tbh i rarely use this for my vent poetry cuz logging in etc takes energy and i have negative levels of it) but... i’m getting really annoyed with like- the sudden Kind Acts, i never was active in the ward (only ever went to things etc because I was Forced or guilted into it) so obviously even when I was at things, I kept to myself and soaked in my mental health issues etc wasn’t “present” or trying to form connections as the person I couldn’t pretend to be... maybe last went to literally anything way back in 2018 and blissfully for the past few years thought “Oh hey maybe I didn’t leave an impression and won’t be hassled by people I have no interest in” ..... Except then I get a nice little cutesy, girly notebook/message from relief society for my birthday this summer like- it was Jarring like i appreciate it being an Kind Act, but obviously that was rife with a heavy dose of misgendering/my stupid deadname plus so out of nowhere.... it reminded me of good traumatizing memories etc... so for example this recent case of getting an nice little note from some member of the ward was sweet but has me wanting to move even more than i need to. it was addressed to my deadname, a possibly very nice woman like ‘hi i’m your ministering sister i live nearby, here’s my address and phone number if you need anything’ and i’m just like.... that’s Never going to happen because i have severe anxiety, i’m not that name and literally haven’t kept up to date with anything churchy in ages for many reasons (religious but in a weird limbo status lmao) .... all this to say, i don’t want to but at this point would it just be easiest to sit down with whoever- whatever stranger is the bishop and be like “Hi yes, please remove me from lists? or whatever because I have never really been active in this ward nor will I be.” I associate the ward with trauma, any impressions are false ones because I wasn’t exactly allowed to be myself....there is no way i’m going to be active in a space i don’t belong in; and it’ll always probably hurt to not quite “belong” in where I’d want to be.... overall it’s just like i’d like the sudden spontaneous doses of sharp pains, in the wrong name and it all to stop- i don’t know why it started up but i am so over it. that building carries trauma memories, the ward and I never intend to participate or attend anything (hell i am so past the need and desire to move away in general/actually live as Me) besides they shouldn’t really even think to bother either/it just is a waste of their time and like shoving glass into my palms for me.

[andillbeancuteboyifiwantto]

how many years- just how many years agony until i get some fresher oxygen? there is always a newer misery my body is crumbling from the weight inside my head high stress levels, anxiety depression since childhood is starting to do me in my suicide attempts hurt far less than my own body screaming begging for relief unattainable you can’t just cure this type of shit prescription meds, therapy would sure help but obtaining that is hard plus i’m still stuck in circumstances that cause those ripples wish my tears could fall into that puddle how many years i can’t keep on like this but maybe it’s my purpose entertainment for the universe to watch, laugh, cry over maybe i was only born to suffer

[andillbeancuteboyifiwantto]

barely grazing lips pecking all over my face except for my lips as you grin, alight with mischief i stifle my giggles, roll my eyes let me play with your hands during our late night binge watches your eyes shining with adoration this love will last past forever even if you fall out of love with me two days without sleep relaxing on the couch i will finally know peace when my eyes close at your hands in my hair dancing in the kitchen hand wrapped around my energy drink you’ll lean quietly watching eyes shining with adoration who cares i can’t actually dance long days where i steal your hoodie when you get home and your favorite treats on standby my lips lovingly kissing a path until i reach your lips for all my cons could be a really great boyfriend and we’ll be real about everything we’d be really really great together shamelessly unconditional love