annoying-whispers

[annoying-whispers]

Original Song, completed today--June 22, 2023

[annoying-whispers]

A Memory from March 22nd of Last Year

Here’s the thing: nothing matters because no matter what I do it’s never fucking good enough; I’m not motivated enough, I’m not strong enough, and it feels like no matter what I do, no one really likes me—no matter how hard I try, how hard I fucking try, how much mf time I put into making people like me, it’s useless, it doesn’t matter—I make an inch of headway, and for what? I’m always going to be on the sidelines, I’m always going to be overlooked, deemed unimportant, insignificant…expendable. I don’t understand how I’m supposed to keep getting the fuck back up again when all I ever fucking do is try to be noticed and liked and it’s for nothing. It’s absolutely infuriating, I don’t understand how I can keep doing this………….I’m sad all the time but I can’t cry. I’m numb, and I want to feel pain, sadness, SOMETHING. I get like this, and I don’t know how to get myself out of it. I’m going to therapy, and for fucking what. I don’t feel any better about myself, and I haven’t developed any tactics to combat my obvious depression, depression which is becoming progressively harder to bear…………My mom keeps calling me and I can’t stand it. I know she’s interested in my life, and that she loves me, but it’s too much, it’s just too much. I don’t want her constant hovering. I don’t want to constantly be thinking about what she thinks about me. I don’t want to care so damn much about what she thinks, about how she feels about me. I want to be alone. I want to be alone, and I want to be held, comforted. I want someone to love me the way I love them. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I want someone I can confide in, someone I can be myself with, someone who will love me unconditionally, but also not constantly scrutinize every single mf thing I do or say or think. I don’t want my friend from camp to leave. Sometimes it feels like he’s my only true friend, or at least the person I feel closest to who isn’t in my immediate family. I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want to go to bed and wake up and have to do the same fucking thing all over again—every single fucking day—day in, day out, it never fucking ends. It never stops. It’s unrelenting. It’s suffocating. It’s un-fucking-bearable…….I miss being little, when everything mattered less but felt so much more important. I miss being happy. I don’t know if I can recall the last time I felt truly happy. I miss noticing things, and remembering things. So often, I feel like I’m in this haze—I can’t escape except for very rarely…in short bursts. And in the haze, your memory can’t help being fuzzy…………I’m in the haze right now…and I want out. I need out. I need something, and I don’t know what. I can’t figure it out. I know that there are ups and downs to mental illness, and life is supposed to be hard, and it’s all about the struggle, and blah blah blah, but JESUS, can’t I catch a fucking break once in a while? FUCK. I’m so ready to give up, to throw in the towel. But I don’t want to fail again. But maybe that’s it. At least if I give up, it’s not the same as failing, because I didn’t really even try. At least when you don’t try, you can’t really say that you failed. That you’re a disappointment to yourself and everyone else.

I’m tired. I’m going to bed now.

[annoying-whispers]

Do you ever feel like the only hug that will make you feel better is one you can give to, and receive from, your younger self?

[annoying-whispers]

Do you ever wonder what it would be like to be ok with the person you are?

[annoying-whispers]

How is it possible to both hate and miss someone at the same time?

[annoying-whispers]

[annoying-whispers]

sometimes, in the depths of my depressive episodes, I come to the realization that I *just* need a good cry. like a really good cry. 

but I can’t. I don’t know what’s wrong, why this is happening, but no matter how hard I beg, the tears won’t come.

it’s like I’ve forgotten how to feel.

[annoying-whispers]

literally why do I even try.

All I do is try to make everyone happy. Friends. Family. Work. And no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, *something* doesn’t pan out. *Someone’s* unhappy. And somehow it’s my fault. 

sometimes, I just want to give up

[annoying-whispers]

[annoying-whispers]

People in positions of power don't really understand the effect they have on others.

[annoying-whispers]

human person: *is born*

life: Hello! Welcome to Life™!!

Which trauma club would you like to join??

[annoying-whispers]

I just want someone who I can cry to—someone who can wrap me in his arms and tell me that everything’s going to be ok—someone who makes me breathe a sigh of relief when his arms enfold me, protect me, and I hear and feel the gentle rhythm of his heartbeat against my face—someone who I can fall asleep with, wishing that that very moment could last forever