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Eyes On Me
This is probably trash, or crappy.. It’s been a long, long while since I have sat down and actually wrote a story. But I am someone who has struggles with anxiety, depression and social anxiety and I got to a really low point where I questioned if I should even live. Instead of acting on that in a negative manner, I decided to write out how I feel in a story. Let me tell you, I feel a HELL of a lot better getting that off my chest (yes, I am getting help, btw. This was one of the recommended ways to help relieve some of my anxieties and thoughts). Anyways, I hope you enjoy. I tried to check this over for errors, but my main concern is to just write, and to get these negative thoughts off of my chest.
Josh had seen variety of strange things in his time on tour. If he were to rattle off a list of all the things he’d seen, you would need a drink and to clear your calendar. Of all the things he had seen, though, he had never seen anything quite as unnerving as what he had just walked in on.
In between songs, he’d slide off a very, very dark stage and stumble into the back. They had a few moments before they were required to go back on, so he would duck into an area to gather himself before going back on.
The arena they were currently in had a small, hidden back room that was pretty secluded. His plan was to sit in seclusion for a few moments, but all that was blown out of the water at the sight of what was before him.
There was a young woman, probably in her mid twenties, standing on a bench. She was wearing an old camouflage hoodie, a yellow bandanna in her red hair - she fit right in with the crowd that they performed for. The only thing off about her was the red, tear stained face that stared back at him, and the rope she was about to pull over head.
What the hell, this girl was about to hang herself.
She must have noticed the horrified expression on his face, for her face turned an even brighter shade of red as more tears flooded her eyes. Josh was not entirely sure what her next move would be, so he reached out his hands slowly, in hopes she wouldn’t try anything.
“Hey, it’s okay.” he spoke softly, trying to keep his voice calm.
The tears flooding the poor girl's eyes were already running down her cheeks, as she hid her face behind her hand, as the other continued to hold onto the noose. It was obvious that she was embarrassed, and rightly so - no one would want to be caught in an act such as this.
She removed her hand, pain still evident in her expression as she refused to meet his eyes.
“I’m sorry, I thought.. I expected to be alone.”
There were several different scenarios running through Josh’s mind, several different ways he could possibly handle this. He could tackle her, but doing that risked hurting her. He could call for security, but this felt like the wrong time and the wrong place to bring in security. Security would escort her out of the arena, and in no way would it result in her finding any help. She would only find a new location to finish the deed.
Lowering his arms, he placed he nodded his head in understanding.
“It’s okay,” still soft, he added: “Can I ask, what is your name?”
Through her tears, the girl let out a pitiful laugh as she shook her head.
“Like that really matters at this point.”
Josh shrugged his shoulders, as he leaned against the door frame. His outward posture screamed someone who was poised and relaxed, which he could tell was a surprise to the young woman. If only she could feel how quickly his heart was pounding within his chest.
“Well, maybe not. But I’d still at least like to know.”
The young woman gave him a quick once over, it was obvious she was trying to read him but she couldn’t get anything from a simple glance, so she decided to humor him.
“Elise,” she admitted softly.
Josh smiled at her, it was a soft smile, but he tried his best to come across like a reassuring, friendly face.
“That’s a pretty name. It’s nice to meet you, Elise.”
His comment was met with no reply, instead Elise turned her attention back to the rope in her hand, a frown on her face. The plus side was that he had somehow managed to stop at least some of the crying.
Tilting his head, he decided to give her a once over glance - just like she had done to him a few moments prior.
“I do have to ask, why is it that you are doing this, Elise? And why here?”
Elise kept her gaze frozen on the rope, amazingly still and calm for having just been basically questioned on why she was throwing her life away. After what felt like an eternity of silence, Elise released a shaky breath.
“I thought I could handle living this life, things seemed to be going well, even with my depression and my struggles.. I opened my own business, I had friends, I had my own ministry in my church.. I thought life was going to be better.” she shook her head, her eyes blinking rapidly, “I was stupid to think that. My business is barely surviving, I live paycheck-by-paycheck, my entire family thinks I am a failure, my ministry..”
Her voice failed her, as she was overwhelmed with another round of tears. Her story sounded all too familiar, like many of the stories you hear about people who were at the end of their rope.
“Sounds like you’ve hit a rough patch, but haven’t we all?” he piped up, hoping to calm her down again. His question did the exact opposite, though - as Elise let out a broken, raspy sob. The tears were not stopping at this point.
There were no words spoken, but Josh could see it - he was losing her. She grabbed the rope tighter in her grip, ready to pull it over her head when Josh quickly threw himself out of his calm, composed posture. His hands were out in front of him, his voice losing all sense of calm: “Elise, Elise!”
His voice was begging, pleading - his heart beating against his rib cage. He had to get through to her, he had to do it in a way that would make her think. He had to reach her soul.
“Elise,” he tried again, his voice quieter this time, with a hint of shakiness to it. She was sobbing more at this point, as if his voice was an awful reminder that she was still with everyone on this earth.
He could feel it, she wanted this world to fade away. She wanted to remain numb, cold and distant. How do you reach someone like this? Someone who was almost too far gone, but not so gone that she couldn’t still be saved?
The words tumbled out before anything else could be said or done, before either one of them could think another thought: “Eyes on me,”
They were three simple words, three, easy to breathe, meaningless words that would mean nothing to most, but meant everything in this moment.
She was still inconsolable, her breathing rigid as she continued to cry. The only good thing was, she had done anything rash yet.
“Elise,” he tried again, his own voice shaking: “Eyes. On. Me.”
For the first time since he walked in that room, Elise brought her eyes to Josh’s. He was relieved to catch a good glimpse of her greenish blue eyes, even more relieved that he seemed to be getting through to her.
He gave her a weak, hopeful smile, as he brought he held out his hands for her.
“I don’t know what you’re going through, I don’t understand the severity of your situation or why you’re in pain.. But I understand the paint that you’re going through, and I want to help you through it. Elise,” he breathed, inching closer, “will you let me help you through it?”
Another question, and her emotions were set off again. Only this time, she let go of the rope she was holding so tightly onto, lowered herself down from the bench she was on, and threw herself into his arms. He was a bit thrown off by the response, even more surprised by the fact at how she had thrown herself so quickly into trusting him - but he was thankful she did.
Letting out a heavy sigh of relief, Josh closed his eyes and placed his chin on top of Elise’s head, his arms holding onto her tightly as he let her cry.
Nothing needed to be said or done in this moment, not a word was breathed from either one of them. She would never admit this, but she felt safe in his arms, she felt relieved that someone - a random stranger - felt her life was important enough to fight for.
-
-
Josh eventually had to be pulled back onto stage, but not before he made sure that Elise was comfortable and in good hands. One of the paramedics on staff checked up on her, and various members of the crew made sure that she felt welcomed and safe until Josh was able to return from finishing their show.
Once the show was over and the crowd was gone, Elise was brought to Josh by a couple of crew members. The look of relief that crossed Josh’s face when he saw her was enough to make her face turn red, thankfully it wasn’t because she was crying.
Tyler stood at Josh’s side, noticing Josh’s expression he turned to look in the direction Josh was.
“How are you feeling?” Josh asked, not giving Tyler a chance to even open his mouth.
Elise gave a small smile.
“Alive, thankfully.” her smile faded at that comment, as she looked down at her hands. “Look, I’m sorry I brought this drama into your show.. I just, I knew this arena inside and out. My friend owns it, so I thought if I came during a popular show, no one would interrupt..” her expression grew dark, as she reflected on the situation that happened only a short while ago.
Tyler tilted his head to get a better look at Elise, making her feel vulnerable. He was probably judging her, like any normal person would.
“Josh told me a little about your story, something about how you feel like you’ve failed because your business isn’t succeeding?”
Embarrassed, Elise met Tyler’s question with a simple nod.
“Like I said, I am sorry. It was, this whole thing was selfish and stupid..”
“Don’t be sorry,” Tyler interrupted, looking directly into her eyes.
“I’m going to let you in on a little secret, Elise. I am sure you know our music,” he nodded towards her outfit, which was a nod to the entire look they were going for for their Bandito tour.
“I also struggle with a mental illness, it’s obvious that I get to some pretty dark places. I perform sold out shows in multiple arenas, I travel the world.. I’m happily married, I have a steady income.. But my success does not equal me being free from my mental illness. I still have moments, moments where I am ready to give up on life. Some would find that hard to believe, because I am a man who has everything anyone could possibly want.”
Elise wasn’t even aware of the tears in her eyes until she took a breath, and she felt a couple run down her face. Dammit, she thought she was past this..
Tyler gave her a soft smile, placing a hand on her shoulder.
“I am glad Josh found you, I am glad you’re still here. And I can’t wait to perform for at your business next week.”
Elise looked up at Tyler with a confused expression, one would think that a second head had just grown out of his neck or something.
“Excuse me, what?”
Tyler looked at Josh in disbelief, as he raised his hands.
“Wait, you didn’t tell her, man?” Josh rolled his eyes, as Tyler shook his head.
“Forgive my friend, clearly he is dumbfounded by his newfound crush-” a jab to Tyler’s side from Josh almost shut the man up, but he kept talking: “-but yeah, it was his idea to put on an exclusive show at your business next week.”
Hours ago she was crying in a closet alone, more than ready to end her life. Now, she sat in front of the two members of an insanely popular group, a couple of guys who were making her cry again with their plan.
This was no real guarantee that life was going to perfect, or that Elise wouldn’t find herself in this situation again. It was just a small reassurance that giving up on too soon was never the answer.
She had to keep her eyes on what truly mattered - and as she threw arms around two gentlemen who were about to become her closest friends in life, that became insanely clear to her.
-
-
Five Years Later
“Hey, eyes on me.” the familiar voice met her ears, as she opened her eyes to a familiar pair of dark brown ones. Elise was exhausted, she had been on her feet alone at work most of the day and so she felt she deserved five minutes of just resting with her eyes shut.
Clearly, the person before her felt differently.
“You know,” Elsie huffed, sitting up in her chair, “You sure like saying that.”
She leaned forward, staring intensely into the eyes of the one and only, Joshua Fricking Dun.
“You said it when you took me on that ridiculous see through bridge, you said it when we were on that Ferris wheel, not to mention, the time-” “I brought you to that really beautiful park? You know, the one where we had our first real date? You kept checking out everything around you. I just wanted somewhere quiet so I could kiss you for the first time.”
Elise shook her head, as Josh held out his hand and began counting all the times he used his infamous statement.
“Or how about the time you were talking a billion words a minute on our one year anniversary as a couple, you were stressing out because something was not working right with one of the pottery wheels. I was sitting there on one knee, a ring box open in my hand.”
“Are we done?” Elise questioned, her face slightly flushed in embarrassment at the idea.
Like the tease he was, Josh continued counting down on his fingers and reciting stories about all the different times he had to remind her to calm down.
“One of my favorite times, of course, had to be our wedding day.” Josh nearly finished, staring at his hand.
Having given up on trying to stop him, Elise just stared at him in amusement.
“Oh, really?”
He nodded, biting his lower lip in an attempt to hold back a smile.
“You were up there with me, looking beautiful in your white dress. However, I could tell you were nervous - you were breathless, your hands were shaking in mine, and you looked a little green.. Who knew I was going to have an alien for a wife?” - she punched him lightly, making a smart remark about him always being the alien.
“Okay, so you said that was one of your favorite times. So what was the other, Josh Dun?” Elise questioned him, keeping her eyes on his expression.
This was the first time he looked her in the eyes since he walked into the room, his gaze was enough to make her head spin. Or maybe that was just her current exhaustion and condition washing over her again..
“Um, well I have to say that my other favorite time was the day..” he swallowed hard, his eyes growing distant. He was quiet for a moment, she was almost tempted to ask him if he had gotten lost on memory lane, but he opened his mouth again before she could speak.
“It was the day you chose to live your life, Elise.” he admitted softly.
She was taken aback by his response, especially since neither one of them had brought up that day in a long while. Sure, he would text her or call her to ask how she was doing, but nothing was said about what happened that day. Elise got the help, and continued to get the help she needed.
Her business, which happened to be a art workshop, was starting to thrive. Whether or not that had anything to do with Tyler and Josh performing one night in the coffee shop area, God only knows.
Oh, and her ministry..
Elise was now a part of a new group at her church, a group that helped others who struggled with mental illnesses and suicidal thoughts.
Her life was never 100%, nor was it a walk in the park 100% of the time. She had moments, dark moments. They were often when Josh was on the road, or when something stressful was eating at her. Thankfully, it was nothing like that day.
“You made a choice that day, Elise.” Josh broke her thoughts, “You could have chosen to end your life, but instead you listened to a total stranger - a stranger with bright yellow hair, and a crazy lifestyle-” Elise chuckled at his remark, earning a smile from him.
“I still question why you listened, but I am really glad you did. If you had not, who knows if we’d be getting ready to head off to add another memory to my list of favorites.”
Elise tilted her head, pretty much looking like Jim when he is curious about something.
With a smile on his face, Josh took Elise’s hand in his and motioned for her to stand up. She did as he requested, some of her confusion fading away the moment he placed on of his hands on her stomach.
“Today, we are going to find out what gender our baby is going to be. You’re going to be nervous, which is to be expected.. But I am going to be right beside you, so Elise, keep your..”
“Eyes on you?” she quickly interrupted, a smile crossing her face.
“How can I say no to that?”
Her remark earned another smile from him, before he leaned in and pressed a gently kiss to her lips.
Life on earth can be hell, but if we keep our eyes on what’s important - it is worth living.
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