aphriee

[aphriee]

I was told to start phoning up unis and stuff for clearing, and I just realised damn- ‘I really don’t know how to do anything’ because that sounds hard and I don’t really know how to do that. It sounds so childish, but whenever I’m left by myself to do something i always do it wrong. That’s the reason I got into the mess in the first place by applying to unis by myself. It’s really gut wrenching.

I’m scared for my future to be honest. It’s harder not to fall back into suicide. And it’s even harder to think about killing myself on pills. When I was off them it was very easy to think about when I was going to kill myself and how, but now it’s harder to even think that I want to kill myself let alone in the near future. I don’t know what’s the real me, if there even is a real me? I don’t know if this is coherent but I just feel so helpless and pathetic right now.

[aphriee]

Long story short I messed up getting into my uni after foundation. Gutted. It’ll be fine I’ll get in next year but idk. I was so sure things would work out after my suicide attempt with help but I’ve somehow gotten worse. Im scared to go off meds, not because I’m addicted but just because I don’t wont the gravity of my situation to hit me full force. Idk what to do and I’m scared.

[aphriee]

Been thinking about killing myself again today. Im not planning it on doing it today or y’know in the upcoming years or so, but mainly around mid to late twenties maybe. Definitely before I’m 30. It depends on what’s going on in my life and medication and stuff. I was thinking of using this drug that you can easily buy and overdose for death on really easily. The only problem is the high possibility of bad trips and it being painful. The perosn described it as ‘feeling your respiratory system collapsing but not caring’ which I think will be a better way to die than in terror. You can black out on the stuff so and not remember the trip and shit so idk, it’s coming close to my top way to die. That or that smoke shit? But I have no clue how to work that. We’ll figure it out eventually I guess.

[aphriee]

I’ve been really struggling getting up in the mornings. My bones feel so heavy and while I don’t feel upset or sad, I just don’t have the energy to get up. It takes a lot more effort than it used to, to the point I might need to get my relatives to throw the covers off of me or pull me out of bed.

[aphriee]

𖧧  .  ⌗ 31

My best friend is living with her other best friend in a shared apartment and I didn’t know until my other friends accidentally asked me about it. Me and my bsf’s friends aren’t on great terms and tbh I don’t want to be friends with them due to their roller coaster behaviour and previous actions. I know it’s silly to feel upset about something like that and I’m half not upset. ‘It’s not my business, I don’t own my bsf and if she’s happy, I’m happy’. I had noticed when we hung out that her nails were down by her other friend more often but I didn’t think about that then. And when the two had a dance class late in the night I didn’t think much of that either, especially when my bsf told me she was staying at a hookups house to avoid being asked about her hickeys form her parents. But i was told that they had planned to live together weeks ago, so it’s very likely they’re living together now. I don’t know, I want to lie and say it didn’t fall through and they aren’t, but I can help but feel scared she didn’t tell me or lied about where she was staying because she knew I didn’t like her roommate. I feel guilty for that but also slightly betrayed? I think I’m being melodramatic, fucks sake I don’t even know what they said was true about them living together but I’m already over thinking.

Being best friends with someone doesn’t mean that I own them or their heart, but I can’t lie it hurts to know they will never hold me as dear to their heart as I hold them. Their other best friend was there since they were young and even if the other friend is cruel to them over the years, and our link- I was a fool to believe that I could take that place. I’m fine with her boyfriends and hookups, because I don’t care about her romantically but why does this realisation hurt me so much? Maybe because she was the first person I ever met that I ‘clicked with’, she genuinely made me happy and seen. I had never had that before. She saved me, as cheesy as that sounded. I felt pure love and happiness in a life where all I had was the desire of death. I honestly thought we were pieces of the same soul. Maybe even foolishly that we were platonic soulmates. Thats really pathetic typing it aloud. I love her. Far more purer and deeper than any Romantic or sexual love- stuff like that tarnishes our connection. We’re proper friends, True friends, so that’s why I’m confused on why she wouldn’t tell me that. I think I’m going crazy. I don’t know if I’m overreacting. I think I am. I’m going to ignore it. As long as she’s happy I’m happy.

[aphriee]

𖧧  .  ⌗ 30

Being in the grey area of seeing a therapist and having them assume you’re autistic and then placed on the waiting list with so you have to wait for a possible diagnosis is the worst. It answers a lot of answers being autistic but I’m constantly doubting myslef. I hear so many stories of therapists just making up different diagnosis for clients and I’m scared that I’ll get to the ASD department and they’ll tell me I’m not actually autistic and then I have to do this all again. I’m scared to be autistic and also not being autistic. I don’t know what to think and I feel so alone. The same with depression and anxiety, as I was just referred to the ASD department I don’t know if I have depression or anxious, even though I was given antidepressants. A part of me wants to say I’m depressed because I’m suicidal and take antidepressants but I could just be autistic and down. I really want to speak to someone about it but since I’m not seen by the home treatment team anymore, I can’t actually see anyone. My GP isn’t a therapist and can’t actually fix the issues with the waitlist or seeing a therapist unless I go private- which is far too expensive.

And then there’s my depressants. I’m taking 150 sertaline but I keep thinking about if it’s ‘strong’ enough. I remember my friends talking and comparing their antidepressants prescriptions and a bit of it was like trying to one up each other. So I’m just constantly wanting to get stronger as if a stronger dose will magically make me happy. I want to forget and be numb. I don’t have intrusive thoughts as much and sometimes I think ‘oh this is what it’s like to feel fine and not want to die’, but as soon as I reach the evening, I go back. I can’t say as confidently as I did that I wanted to die now. But I don’t know. I don’t know how to live either.

[aphriee]

𖧧  .  ⌗ 29

Im starting to worry I may be a romantic and asexual. I have my hunches but know I’m think that I’m asexual and all that because I’m autistic. I just get over stimulated by others and kissing is the worst. Every time I kiss, I’m like ‘oh it’ll be different’. It’s never different. It’s slimy and uncomfortable. I don’t know if I’m doing well or what, and it’s just overall stressful. Like I have a libido, but I can’t stand naked bodies or anything like kissing, so I doubt I can handle sex. Listening to my friends talk about sex, it just sounds like a job. You don’t cum, just lie there and fake it cause the men only care about themselves. I never had crushes growing up and I hated being in a relationship I’m pretty sure I’m ace but idk. In a world where people prioritise partners, is it even possible to find ace relationships? Do I even want a relationship? Not really. Not if I need to cater to them like a fucking plant. Idk.

[aphriee]

𖧧  .  ⌗ 28

SO. I’m autistic. That’s a twist I didn’t see coming. I’m a depressed and anxious autistic? It explains alot I can’t lie.

[aphriee]

𖧧  .  ⌗ 27

Honestly, I don’t know what I was expecting when I started getting home treatment/ help for suicidal tendencies. It’s been a few days of people knowing I have tried to commit suicide many times before and now, and that I struggle with depression. I guess I can label it now as depression? I’m going to be taking antidepressants so I assume that gives me a label as suicidal and depressed. Idk, tbh I don’t really care. It’s more of a pain than anything. People treat you like a prisoner, always double checking that I’m okay to walk or even be by myself. Like fucking chill and let me walk to the shops or sleep by myself. Luckily I’m not sectioned, not yet. I’m walking a very thin line.

Weird enough, it feels like I still have no one to talk to. Even with the options of councillors or my parents now knowing, I’ve realised that they don’t really get it. Part of that is my fault, for not being open but if I am open- I get sectioned. I know why, it’s because I want to die and will eventually and plan to kill myself. But people assume it’s going to be any day now. Like no, I messed up and embarrassed myself. But I have learnt with the bridge technique that when people come to help you, they mean call the police or walk you home. They genuinely won’t let you go. This seems like all so obvious but genuinely I wasn’t expecting it as I fell for the free treats and nice conversation. I’m such a people pleaser even when I’m on the bridge preparing to jump. It’s a pain.

If want to keep my freedom and the choice to kill myself later down on the line, I can’t talk to people about my feelings. Just smile and nod. At the same time I want them to know I’m not happy so they don’t think I was faking or doing it for attention. I’m divide about my intentions but disappointed and let down all the same. Help isn’t ‘helping’ it just traps you so you can’t jump. It’s very dehumanising.

So- what now? I don’t have an answer to that. I’m lowkey feeling more suicidal than ever. Since I’ve now publicly attempted, there’s nothing to hide anymore. I’m defeated, tired. I just want to lay in my bed and rot and to give up entirely. I’m miserable, at least in my private isolation there was this sense of… comfort. That I could say and do as I pleased and I didn’t have to be ashamed of anyone knowing how much I hated myself and life. Now I’m just seen as crazy.

[aphriee]

𖧧  .  ⌗ 26

UPDATE:

I did not go swimming but got stopped by a random lady.

I don’t really want to remember it cause I’m lowkey embarrassed that I didn’t manage to make it over the railings. Things are difficult right now, and for a split moment I thought maybe getting help would fix things but I’m just getting treated like a prisoner. It’s such a pain.

[aphriee]

𖧧  .  ⌗ 25

People ask such annoying questions when other people want to die or express disappointment in society. ‘Why don’t you change it’, ‘just live life your way’, blah, blah, blah. Do you think I’ll be guilted into living to save others that would throw me under the bus any chance they could. This rotten world could be nuked and blown to hell for all I care. And better for it. I wish for a meteor to strike this god forsaken parlent every night, for god to strike me. I want to die, I want us all to die. That’s the only way we’d be satisfied with our starved lives.

[aphriee]

𖧧  .  ⌗ 24

I hate society. I hate the world. It’s ultimately pointless whatever way you spin it. If I have plans to die, there’s no point in anything. But even if I didn’t want to die, this world isn’t exactly making me want to ‘live’. A grey cooperate landscape where the people are no better than worker bees who live on consumerism, the drive of cash and the hatred of others. The herd mentality is so strong, that you even breathe a word of what you may like, then you’re outcasted. I don’t understand them and I know they don’t understand me. If I am forced to live in this uncaring and slave like world where the only reward you have is getting married with a high chance of divorce, having kids despite destroying your life and body, and then dying of old age in a painful way- then I do not want to be a part of it. People act like I have to choice to refuse, but I don’t. Not when it’s the social norm. And you wouldn’t believe how agressive people can be when you wear a frilly a skirt ‘because you like it’.

And that’s only the tip of the iceberg. Sex, gender, family, personality, appearance, goals, grades, CVs, jobs, politics, climate change, the growing oligarchy and destruction of art- need I go on?

You’re born into this world as a slave. You are expected to live out the life you were born to make. We are no better than robots, enforcing new roles and rules for the new generation below us. No one will truly be happy as we’re greedy and selfish and unsatisfied. No prize or joy last for longer- not even love. The climax is a shitty chemical reaction that only makes you feel worse and people expect more from you than they do themselves.

[aphriee]

𖧧  .  ⌗ 23

Here’s some things I’ve never told anyone out of fear and shame.

- I really love Lolita fashion, mainly classic and sweet Lolita and brands such as ‘baby the stars shine bright’. It’s a pretty unusual and tabooish thing over here considering people in the west seem to have a deep hatred of anything cute or girly. No it’s not sexual and no it’s not related to the book.

- I really adore cutesy and girly things. Pink is my favourite colour. I thought I would have grown out of it and I tried really hard to, but it seems it wasn’t a phase after all.

- I listen to mainly vocaloid. The cuter yet more violent the better.

- I’ve tried to kill myself in the past by throwing myself in front of cars, climbing on tram tracks and trying to climb out of windows.

-my favourite animals are centipedes, dogs, bunnies and snow leopards.

-my favourite composers were NilFruits and the smiths.

-my favourite colour is pastel pink, but I also love pastel blues, yellows, and purples.

[aphriee]

𖧧  .  ⌗ 22

Am I supposed to be kind or batshit crazy in suicide notes? I don’t know. There’s not exactly a hand book to those things. I wish I had a handbook for life though, not being given clear instructions is difficult. But maybe I can be selfish in my suicide note, even if that makes me self centred. I’ve been living solely because of others and seeingly forced to pay the debt of being born to my family by trying to be successful.

[aphriee]

𖧧  .  ⌗ 21

I seem to have this amazing skill of never getting anything right. It’s quite impressive how severely I can fuck up. I think it’s because I keep telling myself ‘it doesn’t matter I’ll be dead” everytime there’s an issue. Whether it’s my rotting teeth, my rotting body or my equally rotten social group and career prospects. Even with my art I’ve gotten too pained to draw. Everything is never enough and I can’t seem to be satisfied with anything. I wonder how much I’ll eat away at. I assume every piece of me until it’s nothing but bones and everything that made me a person now dead with my body and soul. Living is such a pain.

[aphriee]

𖧧  .  ⌗ 20

I hate being so socially awkward. Everything is so shallow friendship wise and I can’t bear it. I can’t bear the silences and just the Barriers I need to put up to remain somewhat likable and normal. I’m trying to figure myself out, somehow. I’m finally buying cutesy things and got my first Lolita coord, which I’m wearing at least once and then I’ll figure out if I should kill myslef now or later. I can’t handle other people. Only my best friend and family really get me. That sounds so lame. LOL. Whatever. It’s my suicide notes, I get to write whatever I want. They probably won’t even know they exist tbh, it’s not like I’ve told anyone that it’d be on tumblr of all things. Hell i don’t even use tumblr aside from writing my self deprivations thoughts to an audience of empty chairs. Oh well. Better than in my notes I suppose.

[aphriee]

𖧧  .  ⌗ 19

I think it’s funny that one of the first times I felt free was before I was going to kill myself the last hours before my last attempt. I was just running of added and the joy that nothing needed to be done- the world was my oyster ironically. No one mattered by myself, as I ran and felt like an other being. I hope I can be that happy again when I kill myslef for serious this time. My fears won’t get in the way. I’m certain. This angel is going to go swimming 🐟🐠🐡🎣🍣