apollortaylor

[apollortaylor]

Oh my gosh dude I totally forgot I used to do that! Damn I need to stop dropping hobbies.

i think....

[apollortaylor]

Dude I usually just start like that. I'll just go

'Hi I have no idea how to start a conversation but I'm gonna give it my best shot and then fail miserably and try again. If I get annoying please just tell me as I cannot gauge for myself and am worried you already want to kill me 😊'

Awkwardness can be charming if you just acknowledge you're awkward. And very likely the people you will get along with will HEAVILY relate to the feeling and find the approach endearing or funny.

If you don't know how to initiate a conversation, use that fact in your first sentence.

I want to talk to people but if I bother anyone they'll kill me. And I'm pretty bad at starting and continuing conversations

[apollortaylor]

Finding joy in life doesn't mean you are unaware of all the bad things. It just means you know that they don't have to control your outlook. If something is out of your control anyways then what do you stand to gain being upset/stressed/depressed about it? Go find something you CAN control to make your day meaningful.

Looking for light in the dead of night doesn't mean you think you can will the sun to rise, just that you're determined not to live in the dark.

You can't force the sun to rise. And you can't stop the night from coming.But you can light a fire for yourself and watch the stars until daybreak.

you may notice i use the phrase "my beloved" frequently. this is because i am in love with the world and everything in it. hope this clears things up <3

[apollortaylor]

Can someone please remind me that my writing is an art form and not a substitute for therapy?

can someone tell my characters that i’m the author and not their therapist

[apollortaylor]

We're 75% sure our host has split. And have gotten a sneaking suspicion that Apollo has never been the same person as their deadname. But instead a different alter that started taking the front more when we socially transitioned.

No one has a clue what to do about that if it's true, or even how to find out if it is. We just know that no one has felt like Apollo for over a week and at very least this is the longest it's been without the host fronting.

-no idea who we are.

[apollortaylor]

Intensive conversion therapy after being exposed to heterosexual culture at a young and vulnerable age.

Why are you lgbtq+? wrong answers only GO

[apollortaylor]

Gotta love having a conversation with yourself. As two different perspectives. With two differing opinions. Online.

Ah hell it's not like anyone will ever see this. This is tumbler.

Trying to gauge if we're stable enough to start a new traumatizing kids cartoon without splitting another depressed fictive. 🤗

How on earth is this my life????

-Apollo

[apollortaylor]

It's definitely not the same unidentified fuck who wrote the second one as the person who posted the first one.

Trying to gauge if we're stable enough to start a new traumatizing kids cartoon without splitting another depressed fictive. 🤗

How on earth is this my life????

-Apollo

[apollortaylor]

Wait actually I remember now.

-the same unidentified fuck who posted the last reblog less than 30 seconds ago.

Trying to gauge if we're stable enough to start a new traumatizing kids cartoon without splitting another depressed fictive. 🤗

How on earth is this my life????

-Apollo

[apollortaylor]

This was five days ago and we have ZERO idea what show we wanted to start. Gotta love the haze my life had been.

-no idea who this is lol

Trying to gauge if we're stable enough to start a new traumatizing kids cartoon without splitting another depressed fictive. 🤗

How on earth is this my life????

-Apollo

[apollortaylor]

Trying to gauge if we're stable enough to start a new traumatizing kids cartoon without splitting another depressed fictive. 🤗

How on earth is this my life????

-Apollo

[apollortaylor]

Where are your parents?

Why are you lgbtq+? wrong answers only GO

[apollortaylor]

That does sound like it would fit the term of Genderfluid. But you're the only person who gets to label you.

Labels are really useful for explaining things like gender and sexuality to other people, but that's about all they're for. If you don't feel like a label fits but that's what most people understand best when you use it, you're totally allowed to use that label to simplify things. Or you don't have to use it at all. It's up to you. Labels are tools, not definitions or diagnoses. They can't really be wrong if they help you express yourself.

Also keep in mind that it's totally okay to be wrong. You can't learn anything without first exploring the subject. Try things, be wrong, try other things. Maybe the term 'gender-fluid' fits perfectly today, and will for the rest of your life. Or maybe it fits perfect for the next three years until something changes or you realize something and suddenly there's a different term that you identify with more. At that point you change labels if you want. Nothing wrong with being wrong. And there's also nothing wrong with being right until you realize you aren't and adapting to that.

Labels for gender and sexuality are tools. Not diagnosis. You can't be wrong with a subjective description you use to express yourself to others.

If sometimes I feel like a guy, and sometimes a girl, and sometimes others, does that make me genderfluid?

Just, you know, dumping info on someone cool

I have no idea, if that label makes some sense there’s no harm in at least hanging with it for now :3

[apollortaylor]

Tip for any gender-queer or non-conforming people out there: Know the law.

Doesn't matter how cis you are, anyone who doesn't immediately fit the absurd and convoluted way the right thinks we should look/dress/walk/speak is at risk for harassment and hate crimes just for existing.

Do your research and know your regions laws on bathrooms, the use of preferred names, what counts as trespassing, and anything else that you might be told you're doing illegally. Know what protects you in what contexts and don't break those laws if you don't have to or are not intentionally taking a stance.

When harrassed know what you are allowed to do or say and give them NO reason to take action. They won't care what the law actually says but if you know it and have your receipts at very least you shouldn't be persecuted of anything. The people doing the harassing are usually breaking the law themselves and if they try to take action you can use that to protect yourself.

Don't give anyone a reason to be aggressive or violent, and don't ever do something you could get in legal trouble for. As soon as you give them something to use they will take full advantage of it and nothing else will be relevant. The right doesn't respect differing view points and fighting with morals will get you nowhere. But the have most of the systematic power, and some will violate every law they can as long as no one stops them. Knowing what they can and can't do is sometimes all you need to protect yourself. Being able to challenge corruption because you can label it as such takes away their advantage of trusting you can't call out their bullshit.

Be safe. Educate yourself. Don't do anything that will put you in danger if you don't need to. We can't fight a war on hate without at least showing how powerful peace and cooperation can be.

Don't give them a viable reason to go after you. Because they will if they have one.

[apollortaylor]

Yep. This. Literally this.

There are SO many things that I didn't realize I actually experienced because the descriptions of those symptoms sound like they're saying something else.

About 85-95% percent of our memories are in third person but I totally thought most people had that to a good extent until I talked to several people who not only thought it was super weird, but also didn't even know what I was saying because the very idea of it is so foreign.

This is why discussions of dissociation in CDD spaces REALLY should be only for 'traumagenic' systems. Whether you believe you can be a system without trauma, if you don't believe you have the trauma or the disorder caused by it, you shouldn't be in spaces for those trying to figure out how to manage disorder.

Also the mental health medical system sucks ass. We need more professionals who can actually bridge the gap between text book definitions and what it actually fucking looks like. We went to an evaluation and downplayed our symptoms so fucking much because we didn't think they fit the written descriptions (and growing up being gaslit into believing we're overreacting about everything). We got a very noncommittal place holder diagnosis from that appointment, that we waited six months and drove 2 hours for, probably because we told the doctor we didn't have amnesia because we had no fucking idea what emotional or grey out amnesia was, AND we didn't know that you can have black outs and not realize anything. is missing. We figured the lack of 'waking up' and not remembering how we got where we were, meant that we had zero amnesia. But holy shit is that wrong.

Anyways. All that to say, OP, you are not the only one who experiences this.

-Apollo (maybe?)

Sometimes I genuinely hate that I have a disorder where I take things literally.

Especially when that's intersectioned by CDD spaces where a lot of the descriptions of dissociation are hard to relate to, despite having several periods of time where strong dissociation is the only explanation.

And it's not even necessarily because I can't relate to them, it's just that my brain gets caught on the literal wording of that experience and immediately thinks that I can't experience that because I don't feel that specific way.

Does anyone else reading this feel the same?

Because I hear descriptions like feeling like you're outside of your body or over the shoulder, and I never feel like I experience that in real time. It only happens with memories, where a ton of those are in third person.

There are periods of time where I want a certain drink, but my brain fights to find the right word because several different parts of me want a different drink, even though I know that I want the specific drink that my brain suddenly can't recall the word for.

Honestly, I feel like 90% of my dissociation happens without me being able to cognitively recognize when it's actively happening, and I only realize after looking back that I remember maybe the bare fucking minimum.

And I dunno, maybe I've just been dissociated for so much of my life that it's so normal to me that I don't even know it's dissociation. It's really hard to parse what is and isn't normal when you 1) are neurodivergent and 2) see your normal as normal.

If any of you out there have any other descriptions of what dissociation can look like I would love to hear them, because that's the only way my brain will get over the mental block / confused phase of trying to understand.

[apollortaylor]

I'm watching Good Omens and they happened to make a GREAT analogy for amnesia. Or at least how I often experience it. I've adjusted it to better explain, but this is the outline.

I've moved into empty house that someone used to live in. I don't know who lived here before or what they did, but I can see the evidence that something did. The paint is discolored where the furniture used to be against the walls, there's outlines in the dust where things sat on the shelf, scratches on the floor and doors from over the years.

I don't know what happened, but I can piece together some things by the evidence left behind. My unexplainable triggers and reactions to things give me hints as to what my trauma may be.

I don't know what happened. I'm just looking at where the furniture used to be.

[apollortaylor]

Well of course you don’t remember it, to you it was just another time you had to deal with your kid being annoying. To you it was just a short second when you couldn't be bothered to control your anger. To you it was just another inconvenience after an already long day.

But to me, the kid that you yelled at to stop crying because you had a headache, to me it was the first of many moments that taught me I was only an inconvenience. To me it was the shocking reality that I am only worth your affection if I'm easy to deal with.

I don't expect you to remember what to you was only another tired day. But you can trust that I won't forget the first thing you ever taught me.