apriljinxed - Tumblr blog

[apriljinxed]

What if we did choose forever?

I want to lay in the dark with you

Across from the sweet exhale of your breath

& whisper secrets into the sparkling stars in your eyes

You hold my hand

& it helps me remember

That life is so much more than a collection of patchwork scars

When our voices mingle in moonlight

I know you’re meant to be mine

In heavenly body, in tender hearted soul

I wish I could show you everything I see

I wish I could put my heart in your chest

So you could feel the way I thunder for you

This sacred gift of kismet

A perfect galaxy of nows

I know you’re the love of my life

& in this version of forever

I’ll keep choosing you.

[apriljinxed]

Confessions in getting ahead of myself

It takes everything in me

To remain in the present here with you

To stop myself from slipping

Into my desires & daydreams

You

In all your tender devouring beauty

Your bold alluring charm

I gravitate to your touch

As you coax novel feelings from my chest

Hope stumbles forward like a newborn fawn

& I must confess

I yearn to unfold for you

To soften my shoulders

To release myself from an endless burden of vigilance

I want to lay my reckless heart in your lap

So that you might caress my broken pieces

With warm circling fingers

& gently whispered praise.

[apriljinxed]

Love let in

We dance in the kitchen

Fingertips reaching for hips

Under the warm light of fortunes told

I’m drawn, magnetic

To this open heart of yours

Your eyes speak in promises

Sickly sweet like honey bathed in moonlight

You stir & I chop

While we make plans for

A life effervescent with newness

Sprinkled in ours & hours

You rise to fill my hollowed heart

& it feels right

In ways surely kissed by kismet

& I’ll admit it

I’m a little bit starry eyed, a lot in love

& more hopeful than I am scared.

[apriljinxed]

Let them say I was a fool for you

I feel you in my chest so acutely

That you make me want to remember how to fall in love

How it feels to be scared but choose to anyway

I want to name the constellations in your eyes

& allow myself the pleasure

Of finding a home in your radiant gaze

You hold my hand with such tenderness

As we unravel our imperfections

& dog ear the pages of our daydreams

We share a bed in tangled breaths

& when you reach for me

I forget to worry about what comes next.

[apriljinxed]

Half Written Poems, 9

1.

Sorrow visits whenever she pleases

Pushing me beneath

With stiff unyielding claws

2.

You make me want to be bold enough

To risk saying the things

Usually left unsaid

3.

I’ve spent so long

Under the waves

Waterlogged

Weighed down by silt and sorrow

4.

The painful silence of a girlhood in flames

5.

You are a starlit daydream

A story I wish I knew how to write

In an attempt to transcribe

All your tender devouring beauty

6.

I feel stuck between a story

With a shit ending

& a new beginning I’m not ready to allow myself.

[apriljinxed]

Little Bird

I am so tired of missing you

Of choking on this sorrow

That settles in me, marrow deep

The truth of the matter has been gagged

Buried under a rock slide of lies

Without hope for daylight

I hate how this all came to be so irreparably broken

Dysfunction on repeat

Same foul words expertly delivered

To a crowd of clapping regulars

The ending arriving predictably on time

I’ve been wishing on every star

On every blown out candle

That I’ll see you again

That I’ll get to hold you tight

I always hoped you’d have better than I did

I always prayed for your tender heart to stay whole

I always promised I’d be there no matter what

I wish I had a way to keep that promise

But please know

You are so loved by me, always.

[apriljinxed]

August New Moon

I hold you close

Not like a secret

But like a wish

Tucked safely away

In the catacombs of my heart

You hold me close

Not like a maybe

But like a prayer

Concealed in the perfect curve of your smile

I can’t stop looking at you

Captivated by your charm

Your hands gentle, but sure

Your body pressed into mine

My hips feverish for yours

& amongst it all

I’m trying so hard to find the right words

To tell you how much I want this

With you

Only you

But I’m not ready yet

So I kiss you

& smile against your lips.

[apriljinxed]

Unreliable Narrator

I’ll be the first to admit

I struggle to see myself clearly

I’ve been gaslit for so long

That the house is always on fire

My heart is made of smoke

& my mouth chars the truth with third degree burns

I try to hold myself together with blistering fingers

Choking on ruminations of what is or isn’t

Perception seems to fail me like my father did

But in this version of reality I only have myself

& I’ve been trained to heel so obediently

That I can’t seem to keep myself honest

How can I measure the truth

Against a lifetime of misperceptions

Every false start begins to pile up

& I’m too tired to parse facts from fiction

I’ll be the first to admit

I’m struggling to see anything clearly

Was the house ever on fire?

Or did I just believe it to be true long enough to summon smoke?

[apriljinxed]

Half written poems, 8

1.

I deserve so much better

Than a breakup by phone call

Where one of us is drunk

& the other should really know better by now

2.

Without you here to make me feel hollow

I make myself cry just to feel something

3.

How do I stop myself

From being eaten alive

By all this venomous ego

4.

I don’t miss

Your unkept promises

Or your I love you’s that were so threadbare

That they’d float away on the wind

5.

It’s really ugly of you

To betray me

And then ask me to stay

6.

I’ve put so much effort into

Trying to be small

More palatable

Less of a burden

Unseen

& mute.

[apriljinxed]

A different version of tomorrow

For all our ingenuity

We really don’t know shit

Plans

We make so many

Silent prayers for more

& yet tomorrow

Will always be a slippery ephemeral thing

.

The wet tennis court

Makes me think of drowning

The morning fog

Drifts into my lungs

& burns like smoke

The gravel crunches underfoot

& with it a memory

Of callused hands on my body

Rough & soft colliding

Wearing myself away

From anything I thought I knew before now

.

Are you following?

Because I’m not so sure

That any of this is making sense

I want to be angry

& crashing like the ocean

Unbridled like an impending storm

I want to scream into your mouth

Without apology,

Without the churn of guilt

I want so deeply to not care

Because it is the burden of caring

That cleaves into soft flesh

The hunger of decay

That has me reaching with aching fingers

That leaves me gasping

For a life I haven’t had the pleasure to live

For a different version of tomorrow.

[apriljinxed]

Never one to leave well enough alone

I made myself a promise

To never invite chaos in again

But I never knew

That peace could feel so dull

I never imagined

That once I got my wish

The one I prayed for on repeat

While I drowned in tears & bruised knees

That it could be so utterly boring

So unexciting

So void of fun

It’s just too quiet

& lonely

I should be happy

I should be thankful

But filling the time

Has become a seemingly endless task

So I lose myself in thought

& end up tangled in regrets & fear & sorrow

Because I didn’t realize

That once all the chaos was gone

That there would be so much space

To doubt myself

& question

Is this right?

Am I sure this is what I wanted?

Am I a fool?

What has my life become?

I have been so irreparably crushed by chaos

So why do I

Crave it’s flavour on my tongue?

Pray for it to creep beneath my eyelids?

On quiet nights

Chaos never fails to knock on my door

& with the most beautiful grin

It says

Hey Babe, you comin’?

[apriljinxed]

By Omission

You never once

Said the words

That held the steadiness of truth

Like I cheated or I want a divorce

You never once

Held back your familiar refrain of untruths

Like I still love you or I want you

You never once said what needed to be said

Like I’m sorry or this isn’t working for me

It’s something I beat myself up about

Why couldn’t I accept

What was right in front of me

But with you

Nothing was ever clear,

Endlessly obscured by design

You only fucked me when you weren’t sober

You shut down with any talk of the future

You edited out the people & places you visited at night

It was all there

Plain as day

The whole truth

But you never once said the words

Which made the truth easier to ignore

& the lies so much easier to choke down.

[apriljinxed]

Notes on losing yourself to hope

Nurture the patience of a saint

Write love letters to a broken boy

Wash his sins from your hands

Forgive him

For all the ways in which he hurt you

Don’t forget to include the ways

In which he will go on hurting you

Count the days

As a collection of cold shoulders

Bite your tongue as you swallow his sorrow

Let it break you

Whisper your desires to the midnight wind

Wait

& hold your smile in place

As your starve.

[apriljinxed]

Outside Looking In

Some days

I am

Not good

Or kind

Or gentle

I am

Stupid

& feral

& selfish

Some days

I stand outside myself looking in

& think

What a disaster

What a silly little fool.

[apriljinxed]

Not worth knowing

Am I a shooting star?

Or a bomb?

& would I even know the difference?

I’m disoriented

& unsure of what to wish for

Your ear is pressed to my chest

Which makes me question

Is this ticking all in my head?

Do you hear that? I ask

& then the shrapnel

Maims us both.

[apriljinxed]

Half written poems, 7

1.

Even on good days

You made me feel so hollow

2.

It’s easy to forget

That holding someone in your arms

Is to hold an entire cosmic universe

3.

It’s such a weird thing

To no longer be wanted

4.

Meet me

Where the sky is dappled pink

& your fingerprints

Turn the sunset golden

5.

I loved you hard

& forever

Until I loved you

Not at all

6.

Hand me

Your illusions

Let me borrow

Your daydreams.

[apriljinxed]

Accidentally Kismet

We meet again by accident

& here I thought

I’d never see you again

But isn’t that how it goes

Always seemingly accidentally on purpose

I smile

& you smile back

I say something funny or smart

& you laugh

& in your chest you feel it

Accidentally on purpose

Something like a crush

Something like a maybe me & you

Something like the stars align

& you ask me

Can I kiss you?

Something like I nod & we kiss & it’s perfect

Something like I didn’t expect this

But you make it feel right

Accidentally on purpose

At exactly the right time.