arthur-r - Tumblr blog

arthur-r · 3 days

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#comfort tag

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arthur-r · 6 days

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these are all piled together in the same part of my brain and i’m so obsessed with it

#IM SORRY FOR POSTING JUKEBOX THE GHOST UNDER MY SKIN LIKE ITS FINE ART #BUT MAYBE IT IS. MAYBE IT IS #actually. im sorry for posting POOLBOY KING OF COOL as if it were fine art HELLO #a minute earlier: when you go leave me my baseball glove…. some cigarettes…. and a playboy…. that’s all i really want….#five seconds later: cause i will.. give you asthma…. every time you try to run…. so don’t run…..#BUT have you ever been trapped for the next nine months with your dick in your hand EATING ARTERIES FOR LUNCH. no i dont think so #anywayyyy #these are um. ok so in order it’s:#i.b. vyache — a poem called victim complex. from the book conversations over sanguinnaccio dolce #minimall — static!! one of the coolest best songs ever in the world and i love it very much #poolboy — king of cool it’s such a strange and bad song but it’s also so visceral and i love it so much #and last but not least jukebox the ghost under my skin #when i was really into that song like four years ago my mom thought that he was singing about PICKLES #i can fit two pickles under my skin!! i will prove it if you will listen!!!!#shdhdf anyway something something consumption devotion something something being a home being a hearth being an ORGAN being a VESSEL #not to run a dead joke into the ground but it keeps being so TRUE: i am a HOUSE FUCKER i swear #anyway there are definitely more of these like on my pinterest probably but these are the ones i had off the top of my head shdhdf #could somebody climb around in here and join me ‼️#anyway. i hope everybody is doing well. i have ANOTHER advisor appointment today (information science this time!!) and i’m also so tired #OH and i have a ten page paper to write by sunday…. but it’s chill and normal i got this 👍#anyway i hope everybody is doing well lmk if you need anything!!!!#with best wishes and kind regards sincerely yours!!!!#me. my post. mine.#delete later

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arthur-r · 10 days

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what’s really embarrassing is my roommate on the phone with his mom saying “yeah i’ve been getting really sloppy i haven’t cleaned in a week it’s terrible” and my side of the room is just like that. all of the time. and i feel guilty but he also hasn’t ever said anything to my face he moved my stuff some at the beginning of the year but has never talked to me about it and i’m also so fucking ill that i just cant really handle adding that to my list while trying to also not fail school. so here i am being a terrible person i guess. did i tell you guys about turtle-person. have i showed my bracelets. i’m gonna go to sleep but in the morning i need to show my bracelets

#help i have work tomorrow. i also feel sick and strange. wish me luck #the sun was around today which was incredible but also i think it gave me too much mental energy #cause for the first time in forever i had the brightness of spirit to go for a walk. but that’s not the same as having the blood flow for it #so i think i overexerted myself cause of being finally happy and mentally energized i forgot about being physically disabled #i also had to explain POTS to somebody today and she was literally like ‘oh is that the thing where you need to have salt’ and NO like #i do have a really high salt intake to cope with POTS. but that’s not the fucking thing yknow?? like no that’s not what the thing i have is #it has nothing to do with salt. salt is a fun little coincidence that it can help with water retention which in turn helps with POTS #and it raises blood pressure is i think the other reason? but anyway idk i would honestly rather she just not know about it than have like #that very particular tiktok version of it like i am so glad for internet knowledge being spread and stuff and i mean. i guess even the posts #that i’m about to complain about are good for making people feel like they’re not alone. so maybe it’s fine. but i was going to complain of #the videos that are like ‘‘that one POTS friend’’ and it’s just like. salty food. instead of like. having to sit down?? BEING FATIGUED??#and like whatever. whatEVER but i wish it wasn’t getting conflated with one particular little way of treating it. even though i use that way #i don’t have needs-a-lot-of-salt-disease. like that’s not the point. that’s not the issue. it’s not a salt deficiency. salt just helps #and it doesn’t FIX it. it just helps. that’s all #ANYWAY EVERYTHING IS FINE. i feel sick though. but i’m gonna sleep and i’ll be fine #i miss before i had a job cause then i could sleep all day if i skipped class and it would be really nice. but now i have a job i would be #missing on my responsibilities for. and I don’t actually have accommodations. but im gonna sleep i’ll be fine #and library book cart is actually so rollator. like as far as being able to walk the library situation is such a win #anyway i’m gonna go to sleep now. but yeah idk i’m sick and a mess what else is new. but i have something whatever i’m good theres something #unrequited love for life or something like that. ok im gonna go to bed sorry for being weird and strange all the time!!!!#me. my post. mine.#delete later

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arthur-r · 10 days

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turns out im down bad actually?? (have started comparing her to the moon)

#INSTINCTIVELY #like i was just thinking damn the moon is beautiful it’s ethereal and gorgeous just like [REDACTED]#had to stop myself and be like OH #anyway we had a sleepover last night we had a great time. i’m not gonna ever date her that would mess things up. but good to know how i feel #shdhddf anyway i’m in a weird position now i’m with some people who i felt like i should come hangout to be friendly but they’re just doing #homework and i left mine at home to be social but like i would really rather be in my bed rn i thought we were like hanging out for real #i’m so hungry though i might have that be my thing. sorry guys gotta go eat 😔 nothing to be done #also watched the most incredible lesbian movie yesterday it ruined itself with the ending but it was so iconic i really enjoyed it #it’s called kissing jessica stein!! and i highly recommend it. it’s a product of its time as far as bisexuality goes #but it was really close to being the best movie in the world minus like two scenes shdhdf #anyway wish me luck. love 💛#me. my post. mine.#delete later

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arthur-r · 10 days

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ALSO okay i’m sorry i’m being such a mess i’m in a weird combination of like anxious mania and also genuine delight from being out in the sunlight but ALSO crushing fatigue from being out in the sunlight and to top it all off i’m heavily procrastinating a ten page research paper i have to write. BUT if anyone wants to befriend me on an astrology social media (a very compelling offer i know shdhdf. i’m so sorry cause i’m secretly a horoscope lover like i have only been getting through it lately because of what the stars are purportedly promising to me) there’s this app it’s called costar and it makes like group horoscopes for you and your friends and it gives you a personal daily outlook too and it’s just kind of my favorite thing. so if anyone wants to put blind faith in an algorithmically calculated star chart. i know i’m selling it so well. it’s just kind of my favorite and i would love to have my friends on there if anybody is down. cause i swear it’s like. actually genius and so reassuring at times. i don’t have the energy to make my own meaning lately so i’ve been outsourcing it and it’s been working out great actually

#this is an AWFUL ad for costar but please. be my astrology friend i’ll love you forever #anyways i need to write my paper!!!! setting my dorm building on fire #ANYWAY i’m so here. i’m right here if anybody needs anything. sending love 💛#me. my post. mine.#delete later #ask to tag #OH text me if you get costar and i’ll friend you!!!! would genuinely be so happy and excited #ok anyway!!!! i have to pretend to be responsible or something #wish me luck 🤧

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arthur-r · 10 days

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also this. what if we stop spinning and what if we’re just flat and what if jesus himself ate my fucking snatch? and what if i’m an angel!! and what if i’m a bore!!!! and what if i was confident would you just hate me more????

lyrics: i went and walked myself like a dog without a leash / now i’m growling at a stranger, i am biting at their knees / if i wanted it, you really think i’d wait for the permission / for protection and assurances that all would be delivered / like our fathers did, our mothers did, and them and those before / you say you want a difference, your honor to be yours / like our fathers did, our mothers did, and them and those before / the echo and a retell of some shit we heard before / and what if we stop spinning, and what if we’re just flat / and what if jesus himself ate my fucking snatch / and what if i’m an angel, and what if i’m a bore / and what if i was confident, would you just hate me more!!!! / oh, i’ve got heaven inside of me / and oh, i’m an angel, i was sent here to keep you company / i’m on an endless march of nothingness with breath inside my chest / and the promise of a life that you deserved, that you thought best / i’m stuck inside my loneliness, i’m stuck inside my grief / i wish i could have been there to save you from the reach / i am spiteful like a god, take out vengeance like the rest / for what they did to you, i will never lay to rest / it’s raw and unrelenting, it is absolute regression / it is vileness wrapped up and disguised as happy endings / oh, i’ve got heaven inside of me / and oh, i’m an angel, i was sent here to keep you company / i’m stuck inside my loneliness, i’m stuck inside my grief / i wish i could have been there to save you from the reach / i am spiteful like a god, take out vengeance like the rest / for what they did to you, i will never lay to rest / i go and walk myself outside, a dog without a leash / now i’m growling at a stranger, i am biting at their knees!!!!

#sorry no full lyrics for this one maybe i’ll write it out later but the important part is right there #also i went and walked myself like a dog without a leash now i’m growling at a stranger i am biting at their knees 🐶#shdhdf i’m listening to a playlist called ‘‘songs i have been obsessed with in college’’#so as you might expect. i’m kind of obsessed with all of the music coming on rn #me. my post. mine.#delete later #music #OK i gave it real lyrics. don’t mind me shdhdf i don’t at all understand my philosophy of tumblr #i just need words that matter to me to be in places. even though i’m usually the only person to look at them

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arthur-r · 10 days

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lyrics: all my mistakes are a work of art / love letters aimed straight for the heart / should i let them / teach me how to fall apart / it gets better when you get on top and show me how it works / i could never be your kind of flirt / tell me that you’re falling out of love / cause i could never be your kind of drug / love me til the morning cause it hurts to be the one that’s headed for the / curb your appetite and drink your tea with herbs / helps if you just believe it does / tell me all your secrets and i’ll leave you in the morning / help me fight my demons and i’ll love you without warning / sick of sitting pretty in my pearls / thinking i could ever be your girl / do you even notice when i’m gone? / the thought of you, it keeps me up til dawn / waiting, wishing, wanting for your love / but don’t think i could ever be enough / to satisfy your raging taste for blood / but maybe that’s just the way we love / tell me all your secrets and i’ll leave you in the morning / help me fight my demons and i’ll love you without warning / i’ve been waiting so long for someone like you to come / i thought i’d found the answer to all of my lonely nights / coming down, have i reached the ground?have i reached the ground? have i reached the ground?

i’m obsessed with this song rn listening to it on repeat so just thought i’d share

#i hate how you have to like. live through things and learn from them like why can’t i just know everything already #cannot handle experiencing the blunders and pains of life like shouldn’t i be fucking past that by seventeen 🤧#are you telling me there’s decades more to live. and i have to just keep experiencing uncomfortable situations and learning the red flags #i literally just want to be done experiencing things already. ANYWAY i’m obsessed with this song. and reblogging it again cause it’s so real #delete later

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arthur-r · 10 days

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actually so relieved to run into this weird vent art from like a week before my partner broke up with me and remember how i was actually profoundly unhappy when we were together. like i literally would have broken up with him within the next couple weeks probably. all it would have changed if he hadn’t broke up with me would be that a valentine’s day together would be a lasting painful memory. whereas our relationship is nearly managing to comfortably fade into background noise.

#this art is weird which is why i never posted it shdhdf but i figure it goes along with self-actualization/the silly stupid angel song #i remember the same time i drew this i had drawn a monster based off my now-ex (it’s in a notebook somewhere)#and i just kept drawing and giving it more evil attributes and thinking why am i doing this it’s supposed to be my partner #but like. my subconscious fucking knew. he was basically a demon feeding on my life force #anyway i’m a fan of the bloody keyhole in my chest cause that’s so real #i love when i write or draw something and then like. months later i finally get to the realization that i subconsciously clearly highlighte #like yeah he’s demanding symmetry from me (golden ratio) and fucking clawing to get to my secrets (keyhole) and expecting me to be this #idealized and appealing figure but also refusing to give me any actual affection in response like i’m just a fucking statue to stare at #and then idk i’m bleeding golden blood because WHY NOT shdhdf maybe there’s symbolism i figure out later but i think that part’s just rad #oh and of course a halo like from THAT ONE GUY WHAT IS HIS NAME paintings #i want to say like giorgio but that’s not right. WHO IS THE GUY WHO PAINTS THE GOLD HALOS #GIOTTO i looked it up it’s my best friend giotto!!!! i can’t believe i turned my back on him…. forgot his name…. anyway i love his halos #and i was halfheartedly emulating that while i was drawing shdhdf. so anyway that’s the story of this whole thing #but no it’s so good to notice that actually i was discontented and needed to break out of the pattern. cause like i don’t think i fully #understood that i’m ALLOWED to end something i’m not happy with. so even though i deserved to i wouldn’t have done it. so it’s a lesson now #i’m aware that it’s something i’m able to do and something that i should have done. and i’ll do it earlier next time. ANYWAY sorry for this #ex talk #vent cw #i’m so normal i promise. i’m actually getting really normal about it genuinely though. basically fine kinda sorta almost. shdhdhdf #anyway i hope everybody is doing well. sorry for just throwing stuff around every once in a while and being otherwise absent #lmk if you need anything anytime!!!! love and light /gen #me. my post. mine.#delete later #ask to tag

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arthur-r · 11 days

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also idk what it is about historical societies and bright blue branding but hello is there no way to pursue my career path without having to wear a lanyard in colors that make me viscerally uncomfortable. hello!!!!!!!!!

#darn historical societies not specifically considering warm-color-autistics when they make their calm and approachable branding choices #have you considered that i personally would not like this. jeez #anywayyyy i just got off work and I’m gonna eat dinner and stuff. lunch sort of. slept til noon so it’s all out of whack #anyway i hope everybody is doing well!! lmk if you need anything!!!!#ALSO tumblr is guilty of this too. get your bright blue OUT OF MY FACE. SHUT UP #but i persevere. i persevere. everything will be okay #me. my post. mine.#delete later

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arthur-r · 11 days

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also had the worst jumpscare yesterday at the dining hall i watched my ex walk out of the convenience store and then immediately aspired to just not notice him and let him take the lead on whether or not we are people who talk to each other, but looking back on it he almost 100% saw me see him and now assumes that i have personally decided to be people who don’t interact. which is FINE because he’s the fucking worst and i hate him. but GOD i just want him to come over and talk to me so i can even make a case for myself. like i’m still just looking for the opportunity to say “hey i was so on board to be friends but i don’t feel like you’ve treated me with respect or regard for my existence as a human being” but instead he just sees me duck behind walls and thinks “man what a weirdo who just randomly decided to hate me for the sole reason that i wasn’t romantically interested anymore. wow that’s so shallow and rude of him”

#and he PROBABLY doesn’t direct that amount of regard to me now either. he probably thinks fucking nothing of it #but like. i do not want to be the reason this relationship failed!!!! and i mean. i fucking wasn’t cause he’s an asshole #and i mean he didn’t CLAIM for me to be the reason it failed either. he really did the whole breakup pragmatism objectively well #but like. idk. he broke up with me because he didn’t like me anymore. but i should have broken up with him for treating me terribly #way before he even had any inkling of breaking up with me. back when that idea was just a sparkle in his eye… i should have dumped him shdh #so i’m just always going to be missing closure because i deserved to stand up for myself and i never did #anyway next time i see him i’m going to meet his gaze. we’ll see how that goes #ACTUALLY. we have the same fucking glasses prescription. if i can’t see him he can’t see me #i mean. he can see me. but he has the same uncertainty as to whether i looked at him or ignored him as i do the other way around #that’s actually really reassuring. all these moments where i haven’t been sure what interaction we had. he’s in the same position #ANYWAY i hope everyone is well. sorry for being all hung up on my ex i’ll make a block tag actually #ex talk #<- will use this whenever i vent or complain about him from now on #vent cw #me. my post. mine.#delete later

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arthur-r · 11 days

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took a selfie this morning to compare and remembered that when people are happy in real life it changes their eyes too (and even my fake smile is usually like that!!!!) so here is an UPDATED what i actually look like.

hello new self portrait just dropped which means this is officially what i look like now

#as usual i remembered something silly i have to change several hours after the fact of drawing. so here is markup edits #just to keep everybody’s perceptions proper shdhdf #cause i DO have sad droopy puppydog eyes a lot of the time but when i’m happy i have HAPPY droopy puppydog eyes #anyway i gotta go get to that showering business and all. i think i’ll just go late to work by a little bit and stay late #(i’m self directed so that’s normal and fine)#ok wish me luck!! goodbye!!

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arthur-r · 11 days

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i am SO happy to report that this was real and true. posted this at midnight and just woke up at noon. had slightly unsettling dreams i was with my ex and he was like trying to distract me through seduction so that he could steal my phone and find out what i’d been saying about him to my friends???? but i think that was a dream i was having within the dream i don’t even remember what the main dream was about. i’m still extremely tired but i have work at 1pm so i have to get up and live life now. but i’m so pleased to report that i made up for my six hours the night before by having twelve hours this night. i was so strange and tired yesterday so really looking forward to being normal. i need a shower and also to eat lunch and i’m not sure if i can fit both in the 45 minutes before my work. so we’ll see what i can do. probably shower and then work, and then since i’m meeting with a friend after who has a lot of school-restaurant-money then we could go eat even though the dining halls will be closed. so that all makes sense. i’m gonna go shower in a minute then. but hope everyone is well

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arthur-r · 12 days

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hello new self portrait just dropped which means this is officially what i look like now

#i have glasses now!!!! i’m not very good at drawing them but i sure have them on my face at all times shdhdf #and i recently started growing out my hair!!!! my distinctive bowl cut had a good run but i’m officially moving forward #i’ve also started exaggerating my big droopy sad eyelashes a LOT in pictures lately it’s part of my core identity now or something #(that’s not true shdhdf but i think my face knew about my puppydog destiny long ago and gave me puppydog eyes)#anyway i just haven’t drew anything in forever like i think i’ve drew four things that weren’t JUST notebook doodling. all this school year #(and one of those was vent art on paper and the other one was coloring with my little sister. so i’ve drew two things on ibispaint at all)#anyway i think my glasses suit me really good and i’m also really excited i can see the world really good now #i still have some vision problems from POTS that aren’t fixed but like. i can see detail in brick walls now and i’m obsessed #house fucker behavior i’m so sorry shdhdhdff (THIS IS A JOKE AND LIE. I DONT FUCK HOUSES)#(and i’m apparently a house m.d. kinnie so i wouldn’t fuck him EITHER cause we’re the same person i could never)#ANYWAYS i can see well finally and that’s good. and in conclusion i’m real tired and should go to bed #i took my meds at 9:30 then started drawing at 10 finished at 11:30 #and now it’s midnight and i’m long overdue to be asleep already. so goodnight world!!!!#i have a sleepover tomorrow night which is very exciting. and also work and homework as usual shdhdf #but in the meantime i get to sleep. for up to 12 hours!!!! here’s hoping #ok anyway!!!! goodnight!!!!#P.S. text or call if you need anything!!#me. my post. mine.#delete later (probably)

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arthur-r · 12 days

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lyrics: all my mistakes are a work of art / love letters aimed straight for the heart / should i let them / teach me how to fall apart / it gets better when you get on top and show me how it works / i could never be your kind of flirt / tell me that you’re falling out of love / cause i could never be your kind of drug / love me til the morning cause it hurts to be the one that’s headed for the / curb your appetite and drink your tea with herbs / helps if you just believe it does / tell me all your secrets and i’ll leave you in the morning / help me fight my demons and i’ll love you without warning / sick of sitting pretty in my pearls / thinking i could ever be your girl / do you even notice when i’m gone? / the thought of you, it keeps me up til dawn / waiting, wishing, wanting for your love / but don’t think i could ever be enough / to satisfy your raging taste for blood / but maybe that’s just the way we love / tell me all your secrets and i’ll leave you in the morning / help me fight my demons and i’ll love you without warning / i’ve been waiting so long for someone like you to come / i thought i’d found the answer to all of my lonely nights / coming down, have i reached the ground?have i reached the ground? have i reached the ground?

i’m obsessed with this song rn listening to it on repeat so just thought i’d share

#help me fight my demons and i’ll love you without warning!!!!#(unfortunately discovering a pattern in my ex’s life where he just kind of. delves for people’s traumas as a default #and he’s like a normal fucking well adjusted person with a good childhood. so it’s not like we’re even reciprocally trauma bonding it’s like #he just fucking GETS THE STORIES out of people. stupid fucking journalism major)#(disclaimer i LOVE journalism majors!!!! it’s a really admirable pursuit. it just makes me uncomfortable how he sees people as. content??)#so not ALL journalism majors. just ones who get close with you learn all your secrets and then break up with you when they’re tired of it #ANYWAY MOVING ON i’m just obsessed with this song in general. the lyrics are iconic i love the beat and it’s what i want to make music like #and it’s so beautiful and i love it so much #me. my post. mine.#music

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arthur-r · 13 days

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as usual i am up late into the night planning my future when i should be: getting a good nights sleep so that i even have a future!!

#i have work in seven and a half hours. so i should really be getting to bed #BUT i officially made my final definitive degree plan!!!! i mean not the actual classes but all the requirements i have to meet and how!!#(in order to earn: history and information science double major. with certificates in material culture and classics)#and i’m genuinely excited for every single class i have to take except for human-computer interaction #just cause i know it’s gonna get overly technical in ways that won’t quite apply to my future #anyway every single other thing i’m gonna do is very cool and exciting. so everything is good really #but i should be sleeping. and i’m not. as usual 🤧#idk wish me luck!!!! i’m so hyped about my degree plan though #i’ll go into more detail another time. i’m very excited #ANYWAY goodnight!!!! can’t be so busy planning my future in library science that i DONT GO TO MY SHELVING JOB #kind of important to actually go to work for the library that employs me….#and then i might go see a first-printing roget’s thesaurus!!!! or i’ll sleep. we’ll see #followed by lunch with GUY WHO IS THE WORST KILL HIM WITH HAMMERS #(there is nothing really wrong with me he just keeps kind of being mean to me and also expecting me to fall in love with him. but like #extremely passively and not manipulatively it’s just like. hey buddy you’re doing this friendship wrong….)#anyway then i have a class and after that i have an hour to rest. and then a phone call and then a lot of homework #(ten page paper draft due in a week and a half!! so it’s time to start writing the actual body of it)#and then i sleep for a LONG time and then work again on saturday. and then sleepover with somebody i have a crush on??#and then be normal all day on sunday and do a little more paper writing. and programming homework. and whatever else #and then keep up with the slog for three weeks!!!! and all of a sudden it’s summer!!!!#projects left this year: material culture paper (entirely unstarted. but may research the thesaurus and just win!!!!)#history project (draft due the monday after next and real paper due a week after classes end)#one more programming assignment where i adapt my recipe doubler project (probably. it’s getting stupid at this point but it’s what i got!!)#and a programming test in two weeks and then the final a week after that. then no more programming #and then i just have my weekly latin tests and a latin final on may 5th. and then EVERYTHING IS DONE #ok i got this. sorry for walking through my schedule in the tags it’s how i remember what’s real #can’t believe my fucking partner just kind of walked out on me there hello???? like. we should be powering through finals together #but i’m genuinely better off without him so i guess it’s just whatever. trash took itself out or something??#anyway. i’m so regular. and i have work in the morning. and i’m going to sleep #thank you world. goodnight

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arthur-r · 14 days

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budgeting more like fuckshitting

#😔#(help me. actually so evil)#remember when i didn’t swear on principle???? i was missing out on the best parts of complaining

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arthur-r · 15 days

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on my way to academic advising appointment and i’m so scared. cause like i am NOT good at being a history major, like it’s the most applicable major to my goals i THINK but i’m not like a lyndon b. johnson nerd if that makes sense?? like i’m interested in history on a lot more of a local and personal level, or at the same time a holistic and universal level?? i would do anthropology if it weren’t for not actually fitting anthropology either and hating their classes worse too. i’m looking at minoring in folklore which is kind of getting there, and i’m interested in the history classes my school has to offer but i just kind of know that i’m doing it wrong. like public history classes in curation and presentation aren’t really the point. history of librarianship is supposed to be supplemental to NORMAL history. i want to major in historical identity. i want to major in how history is preserved and engaged with and identified with or rejected. and that’s what a fucking history major is but it’s just not quite right. and i don’t want to talk to some weird old white man about why i’m looking at latin + folklore + queer visual culture + geographic information systems as potentially being my four classes next semester which are NONE OF THEM HISTORY. if i take history next semester it will be history of technology or history of education. WHICH IS FUCKING HISTORY. i guess i just feel so guilty for not actually being that interested in political economy. and like come ON i’m actually so fucking engaged in the real kind of history too, i’ve been studying immigration history and being so fucking invested. i HAVE OPINIONS about lyndon b johnson (i fucking hate that man like thanks for passing civil rights but that’s a bare minimum and he used it as a way to sneak in the permanent existence of an undocumented labor class of latin americans to uphold capitalism through exploitation and fear. so FUCK YOU LBJ) but anyway the point is the intersection of everything i want to do with my life all branches off of history. but it’s just not really that simple. i’m glad i’m at the school i chose and not in colorado but it sure would be handy to be getting a fucking BACHELOR OF INNOVATION in museum studies and heritage management. instead of just hanging around the in-between, taking the most incredible classes but living in the unfortunate reality where they all count for different, tangentially related fields of study. anyway the stupid advisor man is probably a really good guy. i just feel so embarrassed showing up to his office like “yeah i’m studying history. i don’t know what years were the french revolution” you know???? anyway next semester i’ll be taking a class about public folklore (coolest thing in the world) and third level latin, and then maybe something for science breadth, maybe a history class about education or technology or MAYBE the history of the american west, which just might not be very relevant to me if i stay in the midwest shdhdf like i’m so interested in mexican-american history but i’m centralizing pretty heavily in midwestern migrant experiences which are less studied and more personally relevant, and “the west” is mostly like the gold rush and stuff anyway. which i’m supposed to be INTERESTED IN as a history major but i’m not really!!!! and i might take a class about making websites and databases because i want to, and maybe a class about the history of textiles because that’s so fucking cool. but this isn’t what they WANT from me so i’m really anxious. somebody just looked at me weird for walking out of the women’s restroom and it made me think about how the problem is that my academic interests are nonbinary i’m fucking careerqueer or something AKA indecisive and weird and unemployable. but also the coolest in the world. ANYWAY wish me luck and i got this. but spooky scary!!!!

#vent cw #college talk #THIS IS SO STUPID but i just feel like the academic advisor is gonna hate me….#like it’s FINE this is a bachelor of arts it’s okay to be a weird little humanities kid it’s FINE #i just feel a bit strange. ok appointment in twelve minutes gonna head upstairs wish me luck!!#me. my post. mine.#delete later #long post #PS sorry for being a little strange past few days it’s cause i haven’t been sleeping. will be normal tomorrow if all goes well

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