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[ask-an-asexual-anything]

Suppose you want to come out as ace to someone, but don't know how to say it to them directly. Are there ways I can give them hints?

There are most definitely ways to drop hints about it. For example, when I first started thinking I was asexual, I wanted to see if my queer friends would think so too, but I was too nervous to be straightforward about it. So when my friends were talking about nudity in shows, I took it as an opportunity to say that I don't like any nudity (and at the time I still thought I was heteroromantic) and my friends were like, "not even penises?? I thought you liked guys" and I said that I did, but that I didn't want to see them naked. Then they were like, "have you heard of asexuality?" And went on to explain it to me. I still find it funny that I came out by making them think they were helping me find out my identity.

If that kind of thing seems too direct for you, there are other ways.

You could just drop out of conversations when it turns to something sexual and they might make a connection.

If you watch shows/movies with them, and one happens to have nudity/sex scenes, you could visibly move your head so you can't see.

I'm also going to request that if anyone else has any ideas to please comment or reblog.

[ask-an-asexual-anything]

Hey, I was wondering if you could help me with something I've been wondering for a while. So, I'm asexual, but I still want to try sex at some point in my life, with my future QPP. But I'm a little confused. What's the difference between sexual attraction and wanting to have sex with someone? I don't feel sexual attraction (obvi), but if I'm about to do the dirty with my future QPP, I'll WANT to do it. And with them specifically. So what's the difference between between being sexually attracted to someone and just wanting to have sex with a specific person?

Sorry, it's a bit of an awkward ask. This has been on my mind for a while...

It's a good question! Sexual attraction and libido are actually separate things, and I think the best way to describe it is by using hunger as an example. If you see a cake and you become hungry, that's like sexual attraction (you see someone and have sexual thoughts). If you just get hungry, then you have the urge to find and eat some food, which is like libido (having the urge to do the dirty without any particular reason). Hope this helps!

[ask-an-asexual-anything]

Hi, I just wanted to apologize for not being active for the last however many months. I've been so busy (which I know isn't a great excuse) but I'm going to start posting answers to asks again. Again, I'm incredibly sorry.

[ask-an-asexual-anything]

I’m a panromantic Graysexual girl, and lately I am wondering if I’m not demi panromantic. Like my squishes/crushes were only on close friends, so it seems very demi like but at the same time I think that I do feel romantic attraction toward some celebrities, like I think that I’ll love to cuddle or do cute things with them. But I’m not sure that if I’d them in front of me wether I would or not feel the same way... sooo yeah I’m kinda lost I guess

Sorry for taking so long to answer.

I think celebrities are kinda different from regular people? They're basically people who have been idolized and idealized to the point where their image isn't actually who they are. So I think of it as any feeling you have toward them wouldn't translate irl, since your idea of them is different from the actual person.

[ask-an-asexual-anything]

Hi! So, I've been questioning my sexuality for a while now, I've been using the label bisexual for a few years just with myself and then recently came out as bisexual, but I'm beginning to feel that I might be biromantic asexual. It just feels more fitting to me as I never really look at a person and go "oh, I want to have sex with them" but the biggest reason I'm still questioning is because I still... I don't really know how to word this but, like, I have a friend who I make out with sometimes. And sometimes I feel... sexual pleasure? But like I never really want to go farther than making out and even on the extremely rare occasion that I have some kind of thought of "maybe we could take this further" it's more like "if he wants to take this further then I'm willing to go along with it." Another reason I'm still questioning is because when I get drunk, pleasure gets extremely heightened for me, and I really want physical contact and will take it in any way I can get it, and if that means being somewhat physically intimate with someone (ie making out heavily) then that's what it takes. And I know that sex favorable aces are a thing, but I guess what I'm asking is what what does it mean to be a sex favorable asexual? Does it mean that you don't feel sexual attraction but if the opportunity (for lack of a better word) for sex were to occur, you might not be opposed? Or what term would be best to describe something like that, because that's kind of where I'm leaning with figuring out my sexuality. And thank you, I really appreciate this blog!

Hi, thanks for reaching out!

It can get really difficult to determine the difference between sexual attraction and libido. Sexual attraction isn't the same thing as "I want to have sex with that person" but I also don't know what it actually is as I am fully asexual. It could be helpful to also have an allosexual explain to you what sexual attraction feels like to them in addition to my answer to your ask.

But there are many aces that still have a libido despite not having sexual attraction. A sex-favorable ace is an ace with a libido who also likes satisfying it. Having sex only if your partner wants to, doesn't necessarily mean you're sex-favorable, as there are many aces who aren't sex-repulsed that have sex to make their partners happy.

I hope this was helpful, but I'm sorry I couldn't really explain sexual attraction.

[ask-an-asexual-anything]

Hi! So I'm on the ace-spectrum (not exactly sure where but you know sexuality is *flappy hands* *vague gesturing*) but I'm not fully asexual. I was wondering if I could still wear the black ring that asexuals put on their middle finger? I just don't want to offend anyone who is fully asexual because since I still experience a little sexual attraction, I'm not sure if I'm allowed to wear it. Totally okay if I can't! I just wanted to ask someone before I did something dumb.

You can definitely do the black ring! You are on the ace spectrum and that's all that matters for the ring. You wearing the ring should not offend anybody

[ask-an-asexual-anything]

Hey I would really love some advice! I (bi, she/her, 19) been dating this girl (pan, she/her, 20), let’s call her bea, for around 8 months now. I really love her a lot and feel so comfortable and happy around her. Because of covid we didn’t really do a lot of physical stuff but we did talk/text about it. Now we are both fully vaccinated and are starting to see each other inside/without masks now. A week ago, bea told me that she is ace. I totally support her and support ace people and think they are valid but I’m not really sure what to do. I am not asexual and sex is something I want/look forward to in a relationship. I’m not at all upset at her but I dont know how to make this work. Would I be a horrible person for breaking up this relationship because of this? Or would I be an even worse person for keeping our relationship together but be unhappy in it? I feel so terrible even thinking about this because I love bea so much and I just want to be her supportive girlfriend. Any advice? You also definitely don’t have to answer an allo’s question if you don’t want to/if any of this makes you uncomfortable!! :)

I have no problem with answering an allo's question; this blog is for everyone's questions after all. However, there is no easy answer for this.

If sex is important to you and bea is sex repulsed (doesn't want to have sex), it might be easier to break up. It doesn't make you a bad person - it's like when people break up because one wants kids and the other doesn't. It just means you two have goals for the relationship that are too different to work together.

If you think you can go without sex and she's sex repulsed, then I would say stay in the relationship for as long as you love her.

If bea isn't a sex repulsed ace (meaning she doesn't experience sexual attraction, but might also be interested in sex), then you can try talking to her about whether or not she's open to doing it with you, and if she is, just make sure you don't make her feel like she has to in order to have your love.

[ask-an-asexual-anything]

Hi, I just wanted to apologize for not being active for the last however many months. I've been so busy (which I know isn't a great excuse) but I'm going to start posting answers to asks again. Again, I'm incredibly sorry.

[ask-an-asexual-anything]

Hi! There's something I'm wondering about... I'm AFAB, and out as non-binary (rather male-aligned, demiguy/libramasc). I'm ace, but in a platonic/romantic way, I'm attracted to men and non-binary people. According to this, I am gay? Can I call myself gay? Or it means I'm bi? Or is there a specific word for it? Thank you!

You can use whichever one you like. Don't let other people make you feel like you can't use a lable. Labels exist to make you personally feel comfortable, they're not for the people around you. Either one of those two easily work

[ask-an-asexual-anything]

hey i’m seeking some insight, thanks for listening/helping in advance :))

i think i’m asexual but i’m not certain if i experience NO sexual attraction or just LOW sexual attraction. i know i’m demi-romantic, and i’ve tried to imagine myself in a sexual way with a crush or partner but the faces get blurred out, i’m not turned on or even interested in those fantasies. i do have a libido, and i watch porn but i’m not sexually attracted to the people, but the ‘idea’ of sex is nice.

and i know at the very least i’m also demi-sexual. in theory, i would rather just cuddle with a partner rather than have sex with them. and i’ve always thought that i’d only be willing to have sex is if my partner was turned on, and of course i’d want to make them feel good. but i’m not interested in me getting reciprocation?? like ik activity and attraction are two different things - so like i’d have sex in theory but i’m just not interested in it too lol??

and people can be hot and sexy, but i don’t want to have sex with them. and i don’t have much experience, but i could imagine maybe i would only in very specific situations where we are really intimate like kissing and cuddling in bed?? idk either way i think i’m greysexual or completely asexual but idk maybe the reason i’d have sex in a relationship is to please THEM which is not akin to my own attraction??

It sounds like you could be a sex-favorable or sex-neutral asexual. Some people know the ace spectrum, but there is an asexual spectrum as well. The asexual spectrum describes how an asexual feels about sex. Sex-favorable asexual means that despite not experiencing sexual attraction, they like sex or aren't opposed to it. Sex-neutral asexual means that one doesn't have an opinion on sex. These kinds of asexuals might have sex to please a partner or to satisfy their own libido.

[ask-an-asexual-anything]

hey! is there a sexuality (in the asexual to sexual spectrum) that's having periods of feeling your sexuality and periods being completely repulsed by anything and everything sexual? does this experience belong on the a-spec or is it regular allosexual? can it be aceflux or graysexual? I feel like I'm not fully asexual all of the time and don't want to take up space that's not mine.

Hi, it's definitely not allosexual! Aceflux and gray ace are very similar. Aceflux is when someone's sexuality can swing back and forth between fully asexual, somewhere in the acespec, even to feeling like an allosexual. Graysexual is when someone sometimes experiences sexual attraction, and sometimes doesn't without a "rule" to determine when they do or don't. Ultimately, it's up to you to choose which label to use. You can even just use the umbrella term 'ace' if you don't want to go into microlabels. You're allowed to use this space, the lgbtq+ space is meant for people to find themselves.

[ask-an-asexual-anything]

Hi, I recently came out as asexual and I’m receiving a lot of hate online bc I’m cis and hetero-romantic, people saying I’m not valid or part of the community because of who I’m romantically attracted to. I don’t know what to do about it, because I don’t want to seem like the experiences of a queer ace and a het ace are the same, but it’s really breaking my spirits to be told I’m not apart of the community right after coming out. Do you have any advice?

My advice would be to ignore them. All you need to know is that you're valid and you belong. It's sad that we can't really do anything to combat this negativity. The most we can do is to try to ignore them and make positivity posts.

[ask-an-asexual-anything]

Hi! I identify as bisexual, but recently I've been questioning if I'm ace and biromantic? I have sexual feelings sometimes, and certain things and concepts can arouse them, but I've never felt them towards anyone I know? Like, I can fantasize about it, but it doesn't work with people I know, even if I have crushes on them. I was thinking that maybe I'm demi? Idk. And even though I always tell people that it's okay to change how you identify if you feel something doesn't fit you, I'm worried about exploring this and then not ending up actually being ace.

You definitely could be, and if you're not, it's okay. Some asexuals, despite a lack of sexual attraction, can still get aroused, fantasize, have libidos, etc. I'm going to give a few definitions and hopefully it helps a bit. If anyone wants to add others, go ahead.

Fraysexual is a part of the ace spectrum where someone is sexually attracted to people they don't know and that attraction may fade after getting to know them. That could maybe explain why you can't fantasize with people you know. Graysexual is when a person sometimes experiences sexual attraction, and sometimes not, without a general "rule." That could be another acespec identity to look into. Demisexual is when someone does not experience sexual attraction until they have formed a bond with someone.

[ask-an-asexual-anything]

Hello👋

I am asexual and still figuring things out between romantic and platonic attraction. When people say ‚I Love You‘ it just confuses me.

So what i wanna ask is, how do you know that what you’re feeling isn’t platonic anymore?

Sorry I took so long to answer, my life's been a little crazy.

That's a difficult one to answer. For me, when it's platonic, I'm act normally around them. When it gets romantic, I can't function normally and my brain just goes brrrr. That's about the best I can explain it.

If you can't even figure out the difference between romantic and platonic, you might consider looking into platoniromantic. It is defined as the feeling of not experiencing the distinction between platonic and romantic feelings.

[ask-an-asexual-anything]

cw: sex mention

I'm questioning my sexuality and I think I might be gray asexual but am not sure. I think I'd like to do it at least once in my life and I enjoy t*uching myself.

(I also wonder the if the things a person could do on a romantic date are different than what a friend date but if you can't answer this one it's okay!)

Gray asexual is when someone who goes between experiencing sexual attraction and not experiencing it without a rule (like demisexual does). The definition only refers to sexual attraction. One can enjoy/want sex and masturbate and still be acespec. So if you think that you are gray asexual, don't doubt it because you want to have sex and you like masturbating.

I'm going to try to answer your other question as well. I suppose a date with a friend could be similar to a romantic date. However, I think more effort tends to be put into romantic ones. Another difference would be that there is the opportunity to engage in more intimate activities (sexual or not) with romantic dates.

[ask-an-asexual-anything]

i’m asexual but cuddling and holding hands still seems uncomfortable to me. i don’t know if it’s because i’m ace or because i’m just touch starved.

So here’s my question: Is being uncomfortable with holding hands or cuddling include being ace??

I know it’s different for everyone i just need affirmation, thanks!! :)

Every asexual has different things that they are and aren't comfortable with. Some aces like holding hands and cuddling, others don't. Either way doesn't make you any more or any less ace

[ask-an-asexual-anything]

is being bi-curious and asexual at the same time a thing??

Yeah! I answered a similar question here if you want to see the explanation