attractiverubble

[attractiverubble]

Perhaps

perhaps i should give this another go-round-the-mulberry-bush?

let’s see where the days lead.

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lol Attractive Rubble turned 5 today!

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Tk TK tk tK

There are three things I enjoy while I’m high:

1) Eat - usually fast food. Greasy food. Sweet food. Chocolate. But really everything tastes better when I’m high.

2) Get horny - this involves watching porn; swiping on tinder or some shit; and messaging girls. Nothing actually illicit, just the anxiety behind talking to someone who is attractive is wiped away. And I can act like a regular person.

3) Watch tv/films - either a comedy or documentary, basically. Perhaps an action film. (We don’t have enough actual adventure movies). Nothing too dramatic or scary. Don’t want to get nightmares.

So I might not be as fucked as I thought earlier today. I’m not broke. Not yet at least. I’m not sick. I have some sort of health. I have everything i could possibly need for this moment in my life. I have a shelter. And i have access to food. 

I think I just want to be poor. I have no desire to work for money. I want to work to work. I do not want to earn a paycheck. I hate equating myself with the numbers printed on a check that then transfer into a digital account in my name. None of it actually exists, physically. At least not most of it.

Do I need to get some sort of real food in me? Some water at least. 

What else could happen in life that I would possibly want? AM i that depressed?

I came here to write  - fiction mostly. i guess I want to bide my time with journalism too. And what else can I ask for? This is what I want. I should act like any other white guy. Just fall ass-backwards into whatever comes my way. I can get by. I can easily get jobs. I can succeed. 

Do I want to succeed? Do I want to fail? I want to do neither, really, though to be truly pedantic about it, I’d rather succeed than fail, but the prospect and shame and anxiety of failing is too great that I don’t step forward. I don’t see any reason to go out and try to succeed in any way. But failure isn’t even that bad. I won’t die from failing. I won’t be penalized for failing.

Am I looking for a relationship? Not particularly, I don’t think. I guess I’d like to have someone to fool around with - how do people even become fuck buddies? Like how do booty calls work - emotionally and interpersonally? 

But an actual relationship? Really, I just want someone who I can spend time with and wants to spend time with me. I guess that’s just a friend. Though I guess I have times where I want to be with a woman. I don’t know. I have no idea what I actually want. 

Sex is to procreate, right? Do I want kids? I’m fucked.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I just said “I’m fucked” while a few hundred words prior I said “So I might not be as fucked as I thought earlier today.”  That’s where I am. Just at a basic level, I’m fine. I have everything in order. But mentally, just no. I can’t get over stupid questions I ask myself. I can’t just let things go. I need to have a plan for every aspect of my life? How is that supposed to work? I can only control myself. I guess there are certain things I can make certain I complete and accomplish. Stuff that will put me on the right path to make a day successful.

This is seriously like 7th grade psychology/counseling bullshit. Just breaking everything down into as simple terms as I can. 

I’m certainly self-conscious around a lot of different types of people. I guess mostly men. I guess because I’m a virgin, and I envision the type of dudes I come in contact with would instantly lose whatever respect they have of me if they find out I never fucked a woman. 

Like how is that a way to think? I don’t think anyone is having sex. Otherwise there’d be five times as many kids running around as there currently is.

Lol. That’s the most absurd logic I could pull out of my butthole.

But a relationship - I need to just meet people. And say hello to people. I don’t know how to do that. I feel like I need to be as guarded and closed off as possible. I have no idea how to make a friend. 

I sound like a complete asshole, but sometimes I wonder if I can even truly like someone - like enjoy their company, their personality, their their - to want to be friends with that person. I guess there are a few people from my past that I’ve come in contact with, acquaintances I guess would be the easiest way to describe them, that I would have liked to have a true friendship with. How do I make that next step? Do I ask them out for coffee? 

I’ve always been passive in those second and third tier friendship builders. I wait for the other person to initiate. I’ve never told anyone straight that we should be friends. Just get to know each other. I’ll be a good friend. Help you out, cheer you up, have fun with you, share my toys.

How fucked have I always been?

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i guess i’m anxious about driving in the snow tomorrow. Perhaps I felt as if taos was the peak of this trip; the one true thing I was looking forward to.

Still, taos is awesome. Perhaps its a little small, and you might wind up bored after a bit of time, but it has everything you would want within 25 square miles. 

Also, the barista at the coffee shop. I hate it when a somewhat random woman just makes you stop dead. She was friendly and looked fantastic. sometimes i wish i could stay around one place long enough to create nice relationships.

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i fell in love with a lesbian girl in a dream last night. Both a requited and unrequited love. I woke up hoping that life was a possibility. If anything, I don’t want to be around my family.

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glint

On the edge of the road; out of the corner of my eye, I saw a glint. More than a sparkle, but less than a flash. 

Perhaps it was ice frozen on the road reflecting my headlights. But it wasn’t cold enough for ice.

Perhaps it was just a piece of plastic left behind also reflecting my headlights.

I couldn’t tell. I drove past it in a moment. It was dark...

Some nights, particularly a clear night lit by the moon, I’ll turn off my headlights. There’s not a single car around, and I can scare myself for the five or so seconds that I leave the lights turned off. You’re not used to driving in the dark without headlights on. You almost see more of the environment.

Moonlight is simply more beautiful than halogen bulbs.

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mind

i don’t recall anything. I can’t think straight.I don’t know what I want. I don’t know where I see myself in 3 years. Where I’ll be; what I’ll be doing. I am half looking for someone to tell me what to do with myself. 

I am thoroughly lost.

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the pioneers

these barriers to moving/change seem so solid, but transparent. you can see the target, but you don’t believe you can make it stick.

its a journey i guess, in a way. 

I find it depressing that the most attractive sequence of events for me is to just lay in this bed and wither away. I don’t know what I want. 

I can say what i want, but i struggle to find a direct reason as to why i actually want that thing, besides thinking its what I am supposed to want.

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bloc party

i haven’t written here in a month or so?

I am certainly scared. I know i can take care of myself. 

But just a day-to-day grind?

I feel like I’ll drift off into a vegetative state. I don’t want to work. I want to occupy my time, but I see no reason to go forward at times. 

I don’t know why i’m attracted to that spot. I don’t know how its supposed to work.

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Again, this Joan Didion doc

My goodness, the life this woman led. Her and Hunter Thompson and i guess Norman Mailer, though Mailer seems odd to me. 

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“you use your material; you use what you had.”

fuck the counting of days. perhaps things will change tomorrow. Most likely something drastic will happen tomorrow. Some drastic thing that will define the remainder of this nation.  Of this place I have grown up and lived my entire life. It is an odd existence, here, in America.  There is no predetermined course of action.  We are at the mercy of a giant orange man who cannot maintain his attention on one thing at a time.

I have not accomplished anything. I don’t know what I am aiming for. I am nervous about life. I wish I might stay under this blanket for all time. Wrapped in these cloths. 

I guess I should actually read Joan Didion’s writing. I guess I should read anything. I should force myself to read a book before eating my next meal.

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[day 27x] - war/wario/war

I guess we’re weeks away from a war. For some stupid reason. I have no idea what the war would be over/about/for. But millions will die. Billions of dollars will be wasted.

fuck this.

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[day 27x] - marooned

i didn’t leave the house at all this weekend. I understand that I am depressed. Primarily by new jersey, by the fact i live with my parents, that i share a room with my brother, that i don’t have the freedom i once did.

I worry about a ton of little stuff now. I don’t like work, i feel vulnerable there. I want to work in a little corner somewhere, all cozy, listening to music, and just do the work. No wi-fi. Wi-fi is what will bring us to our knees.

i want to run. i want to hide. The world is way too much.

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[day 269] - weed

i miss smoking my bowl in that shitty little room i had on the first floor. There’s a lot I should be able to get done. And a lot I should be able to accomplish. I know that if I stick around here I will just wither away.

I’ll go out to california for a few years. Maybe I’ll move to mass/maine in my mid-30s. 

I just can’t get excited for new jersey.

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[day 267] - life

I have already given up on so much in my life.

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[day 266] - disappointment

i am a disappointment to everyone i know. 

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[day 265] -- ne’er-do-well

let’s get some music up in here.

some folks are the most pathetic people, right?

I am one of them.