avobrand-blog

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thoughts from 日本

So usually I sit down to write in my other tumblr about once every few days to clear out my thoughts and to flush out any unfinished ideas and introspection I started in my head. But tonight I thought about the both of you and checked in on the blog. Sorry O, it’s actually only like a month and 13 days since you last posted. It’s still 2018.

I cried. I remember AVO’s beginnings, how different we were back then, the memories we made in between, and even hearing about that shopping experience you had with A. You scored big at Cotton On, right?

"I don’t think I like the person that I’m becoming” are the exact words I murmured to myself today. Before college, I had such a close attachment to my creative hobbies--drawing, photography, cinematography, screen printing, etc.--and I had a furious drive to pursue these things and to grow in all of them during college. But somewhere along the way, I think I lost myself. I used to identify myself as a creative person, now I just can’t find the courage to pick up my camera or draw a line in my sketchbook. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I have a one-track mind. In school, I focused all my time on my projects in class and at work that I had no desire to pursue my hobbies unless everything else was done--out of sight and out of mind.

My 22nd birthday was a few weeks ago. I am now TWENTY TWO-YEARS OLD. I always thought my 22-year old self would be a woman who is passionate, diligent, fearless, expressive, independent, and humble. Instead, I feel directionless, neglectful, completely terrified of making mistakes, bland, discouraged because of my unhealthy relationship with comparison, and somehow amongst all these flaws--prideful. I find it hard these days to give genuine compliments to those around me and lack true happiness for their successes--somehow I’ve just become a jealous and envious person. I constantly feel like because I lost a lot of motivation these past few years, I am behind, but when I want to make moves, I am paralyzed by my fear of failure.

Thankfully yes, there is room to grow and we still have a lot of time. Moving forward I just have one goal--and it sounds so simple--is to just be okay with making mistakes. Making mistakes can turn into interesting experiences, into diligence, into passion, into unique expression.

Thinking about it now, I think I might have shared these thoughts with both of you before, and while I am discouraged that this is something I’m still dealing with, I want to be sincere about my intentions to improve in this area from this point on. Stay tuned AVO.

There are absolutely no other friendships that could ever compare to the ones I have with the both of you. While this blog has its moments and more often not, I hope it never dies. Thank you for all the college memories--I won’t be back for graduation ceremonies as a symbol of tying this part of our lives up, but I will be thinking of you both on that day.

<3,

V

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Last remarks

Hi faithful AVO fans!  Sorry that we haven’t updated in over a year.  It’s currently 3:45AM on a Sunday night, I’m wide awake from anxiety, and just fifteen minutes ago I remembered that this blog exists.  We’ll be finishing our fourth years at university this summer, so we’re right on schedule for a big nostalgia trip.  Hold on tight.

AVO started in a dorm lounge back in freshman year.  We were young, naive, and most importantly we had big dreams of making it big and affording the luxury of discontinuing our college education.  Because somehow, selling custom t-shirts sounded like a legitimate way of putting a roof over our heads(I think V actually bought screen print stuff).  Three years later, we’re looking to make a name for ourselves in fashion(?), design, and coding.  And AVO is (probably) nowhere near the front of our minds.

I remember coming into college depressed, insecure, and with awful social skills.  I tried my best to be liked, at least in the rare moments I had the energy to leave my dorm room, and ended up feeling like a complete pushover.  There was a nagging feeling of disconnect between me and the “friends” I had, and almost a feeling of being patronized.  Of course, this was just me wearing my zero self-esteem goggles: my weight/frame, lack of fitness, lack of fashion sense, heavy introversion, no conversation ability, oh boy.

One day, sometime during sophomore year, I read a book that would kinda change my life.  I’m pretty sure the book was targeted towards whipped married men, but it felt relevant to me too.  The book told me that it’s okay to be honest.  That no one worth keeping around will hate you for having an opinion(shocking, I know).  That it’s okay to say no.  Just reading wasn’t enough, though.  It took a lot of forcing myself and breaking a LOT of 19 year deep seated habits.  I remember dragging A and another friend to go shopping with me, and being amazed that they were actually having fun helping/watching me pick out clothes.  That was a big moment, for sure.  

And now, after two years of effort, I definitely feel change.  I have better self esteem and my depression is mostly under control.  I got pretty decent at making small talk too.  On the other hand, forcing myself to be honest pushed me to become a bit of an asshole.  Faking confidence is leading to my ego getting out of control.  I interact with people in a way that makes them feel stupid.  I’m WAY too stubborn.  I don’t listen as well as I used to.  I’ve also been noticing that I’m developing a fear of intimacy--I keep pushing away people that I start to get close with.  I don’t think I like the person that I’m becoming.  But as the great Rascal Flatts once said, life is a highway.  I still have a lot of room to grow, but I also still have a lot of time.  And in retrospect, that song lyric makes actual zero sense.

Anyway, it’s getting late and I should wrap up this post.  What I wrote above isn’t something that I’m ready to openly talk about, so I decided to post in a blog that HOPEFULLY no one will read until at least 2019.  And I’m writing specifically in this AVO blog because even though AVO is more-or-less dead, those two were the ones that I believe really knew me, and completely accepted me at my worst.  So yeah, to my two best friends in college, thanks.

-O

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Yesterday I visited the ocean and the weather was really nice. Sac/Roseville is ridiculously frigid.

- V

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박근혜 대통령이 오는 9일 국회 탄핵소추안 처리를 앞두고 4차 대국민담화를 할 가능성이 거론되고 있다는 소식이다.  5일 여권에 따르면 박 대통령은 6일 또는 7일께 내년 4월 말까지 퇴진하겠다는 의사를 직접 밝히는 내용의 대국민담화를 할 수 있다는 관측이 나온다.

새누리당 지도부인 최고위원회가 이날 박 대통령에게 '4월 퇴진' 당론에 대한 조속한 입장 표명을 요구하기로 의견을 모은 것도 이런 가능성에 힘을 싣는다.  여기에다 친박(친박근혜) 일각에선 박 대통령이 늦었지만 퇴진 시점을 천명한다면 비주류 내 온건파들을 돌��세울 수 있고, 탄핵 가결에 동참하는 여당 이탈표가 줄어들 것이라는 주장을 펴고 있다.

여권의 한 관계자는 연합뉴스와의 통화에서 "박 대통령이 4월 말까지 퇴진하겠다고 하면 탄핵 표심이 누그러지지 않을까 싶다"며 "모레까지는 담화를 할 것으로 본다. 다른 길이 없지 않느냐"라고 내다봤다.  또 다른 관계자도 "하루 이틀 내에는 대통령이 입장을 밝혀야 한다. 어떤 결론이든 겸허히 받아들인다고 해야 한다"라면서 "정치 일정을 고려할 때 자진 사퇴가 더욱 안정적"이라고 말했다.

이정현 대표도 최고위가 끝난 후 기자들과 만나 "청와대에서는 당론으로 정한 내용, 또 국가 원로들이 요구한 부분에 대해 존중한다는 입장인 것으로 파악하고 있다"면서 "청와대가 그 부분을 받아들일 것으로 생각한다"고 말했다.

-O

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back @ it

I went to Trader Joe's today and the cashier put my milk in the cart because my paper bag was full. I forgot to take out my milk when I returned my cart, so I think some lucky person just found themselves a free quart of milk. I just wanted some cereal *cri* It is 2:43 am. The night is still young. -A

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it’s 1:55am and I want to sleep but instead I have to write a paper that is due on Wednesday and I still haven’t written a single word dhahahfafjsja

My mom came to visit me on Sunday for mother’s day and we went out to eat thai food and I gave her my present (which I know she secretly loves but she keeps denying it). It was so lovely hanging out with her and not bickering about anything hehe

- V

P.S. I was at HackDavis and Soylent is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever tasted I was so shocked

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A friend from SD came to visit yesterday!

He came as a mentor for HackDavis, and ditched it so we could hang out.  He’s making six figures and can choose his work hours so he can afford trips like these now.  We’re planning to go to Japan again this winter!

-O

P.S. Soylent tastes awful but I think I’m going to make it my new life.

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Wowowowowow long time no post! I came home from a church retreat to Tahoe this past weekend. We woke up at 5am to watch the sunrise and WE GOT FEATURED ON THE LAKE TAHOE SNAPCHAT STORY LOOOOOOOL. Aside from the prettyness, our speaker gave a message series on the Pharisees and hypocrisy--it was very dense, but such a good reminder for all of us! When I came home, I went to my last Ecuador meeting and we packed up our team suitcases. I am so excited for my trip--I leave on Friday at noon!!!! Please pray for the team and especially for those we will be serving and the churches we are serving with! God is good and life tastes very sweet rn.

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I went to Barnes & Noble today, and I bought six new books (the bottom four + Animal Farm are from earlier this summer)!!! I think I could live in a bookstore. When I buy a house in the far future, I want my own library. I'm just v happy right now. - A

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2 more days! VBS is going by so fast. Try to find meeee! - V

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I haven't left my apartment in 3 days and I feel like I'm rotting away but at least the view is kinda nice -O

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I came across this video earlier today and I watched it about five times. Do yourself a favor. It's contagious :-)

(This reminded me to watch O’s deer assault video again thx for the laughs).

- A

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I don’t have any exciting photos from my past week, so here’s a nice throwback of Aud and me 8+ summers ago :^)

I’ve been watching a lot of Orange is the New Black. The character development is on point wow I love it (enough to watch two seasons and start the third in a week pls forgive me). I also started working at Sul & Beans last week. I learned how to make their four specialty toasts (injeolmi, green tea, cheese, black sesame). I got a second-degree burn while taking toast out of the oven which means I get to add another battlescar! I have a nice collection going. The guy I had a crush on in 4th grade and didn’t see for the next 9 years is now my coworker #yungluv

Street dogs for $3. My grandma’s food. Currently reading The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell. Working next to Daiso and a used book store. Free air conditioning. Mangos.

Life is good.

- A

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Soooooo today was the first day of VBS! But before that I went with my friends Christy and Scotty to get their ears pierced and then after we went to this dessert place called Honey-D (is it a chain idk) but they had little tiramisu cups THAT LOOKED LIKE SOIL SO CUTE and you eat with little shovels as spoons c: VBS was good c: I’m a crew leader for 2nd/3rd grade and haha kids are so cute and funny one of them called my friend a tampon????¿¿¿¿¿ And I’m also one of the MC’s. My character is an overpacked camper that got lost looking for her dog Brover and yeah wow I was so nervous at first but all was good in the end. 159 kids on the first day WOW! I will take more pictures this week for you to see!

- V

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Wooooooooow this is such a bad picture but it’s the only thing I took today. We finished a long meeting of VBS practices and afterwards my friends and I all went to a diner right by our church to send off our friend Matt (boy with long brown hair) because he is leaving for Ecuador (for a separate missions trip) on monday! I just got back home and I’m dead okay I need to sleep

- V

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Here I am getting assaulted by deer.

Shoutouts to my sponsor Teva.

-O

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More pictures.

-O