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balarsen22 · 5 years
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“I think taking care of yourself is the most important thing you can do right now, in whatever form it can be done.”
S texted that to me the other night when I brought up maybe needing residential again. The thing is, I cant afford to go. Not financially, and not time wise. I start my internship in less than a month. I have no money, and we’re still paying off the last stint in rehab. So residential isn’t an option, even though I def could use it right now.
S is out of the country for the next 2 weeks. I doubt she’ll reply to any texts, but I’m going to keep updating her because it helps to have someone to tell. 
I really want things to get better though… I’m doing things I’m supposed to be doing. I’m getting help, I’m taking meds, I’m reaching out for support. I’m looking into therapists for when I move (even looking into talkspace). Looked into crossfit for when I move too, and maybe will contact the local roller derby as well. I need to get back into exercise, because i’ve been lazy af. Once I get back into exercise and lose some weight I can start eating normally again too (yes, I know how disordered that sounds…)
I just need some form of support in my life right now that I feel comfortable talking to, and for some unknown reason my brain chose S. She’s not a FP, but she’s close to one i think. 
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balarsen22 · 5 years
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S called a welfare check on me today
I dont know whether to be annoyed or touched that she cares that much… 
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balarsen22 · 5 years
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Got put on a mental health hold
I’m freaking out
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balarsen22 · 5 years
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I’m a fucking idiot
Case management called me today, said that they’ve gotten several reports of me having to go to the ER/summitstone from faculty member. I didnt realize that S had to report me. They said leave the academic stuff to the academics, and mental health stuff to the mental health professionals. I think that means I’m not supposed to reach out to her anymore. Which sucks, because it really helped to be able to be completely honest with someone and have some support. 
I think I scared her a lot last night though. I was the most honest I’ve been when it comes to my depression, with how hopeless I feel and how  Our conversation was more her begging me to go to get help. She texted me “Please keep fighting, this world needs you in it, And so many people need you in their lives, Including me” and “Betsy please hold on and keep fighting. And please please let people help you.  Who cares if you get put on a hold, that can be dealt with.  Please go” I did go, and she couldn’t believe I didn’t get put on a hold. Honestly I probably need to be, but I’m too afraid
My text to to S today: “I got a call today from student case management- I didn’t realize you had to report me (at least I’m assuming it was you?). Its okay if it was, I get it and I get that you’re worried, and I appreciate that you care enough to do so. I’m really sorry I put you in that position and created more work for you. thank you for all the support and help you have given me, it has helped more than you know” 
She didn’t respond to me this morning, and hasn’t responded yet to this either. its been an hour, no reply. I fucked up. I never should’ve emailed her the truth to begin with. But I was so desperate for support. I’m so alone in this. But I’m a fucking idiot
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balarsen22 · 5 years
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Person: “I’m here for you”
Person: *leaves*
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balarsen22 · 5 years
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I’m a fucking idiot
Case management called me today, said that they’ve gotten several reports of me having to go to the ER/summitstone from faculty member. I didnt realize that S had to report me. They said leave the academic stuff to the academics, and mental health stuff to the mental health professionals. I think that means I’m not supposed to reach out to her anymore. Which sucks, because it really helped to be able to be completely honest with someone and have some support. 
I think I scared her a lot last night though. I was the most honest I’ve been when it comes to my depression, with how hopeless I feel and how  Our conversation was more her begging me to go to get help. She texted me “Please keep fighting, this world needs you in it, And so many people need you in their lives, Including me” and “Betsy please hold on and keep fighting. And please please let people help you.  Who cares if you get put on a hold, that can be dealt with.  Please go” I did go, and she couldn’t believe I didn’t get put on a hold. Honestly I probably need to be, but I’m too afraid
My text to to S today: “I got a call today from student case management- I didn’t realize you had to report me (at least I’m assuming it was you?). Its okay if it was, I get it and I get that you’re worried, and I appreciate that you care enough to do so. I’m really sorry I put you in that position and created more work for you. thank you for all the support and help you have given me, it has helped more than you know” 
She didn’t respond to me this morning, and hasn’t responded yet to this either. its been an hour, no reply. I fucked up. I never should’ve emailed her the truth to begin with. But I was so desperate for support. I’m so alone in this. But I’m a fucking idiot
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balarsen22 · 5 years
Text
I’m a fucking idiot
Case management called me today, said that they’ve gotten several reports of me having to go to the ER/summitstone from faculty member. I didnt realize that S had to report me. They said leave the academic stuff to the academics, and mental health stuff to the mental health professionals. I think that means I’m not supposed to reach out to her anymore. Which sucks, because it really helped to be able to be completely honest with someone and have some support. 
I think I scared her a lot last night though. I was the most honest I’ve been when it comes to my depression, with how hopeless I feel and how  Our conversation was more her begging me to go to get help. She texted me “Please keep fighting, this world needs you in it, And so many people need you in their lives, Including me” and “Betsy please hold on and keep fighting. And please please let people help you.  Who cares if you get put on a hold, that can be dealt with.  Please go” I did go, and she couldn’t believe I didn’t get put on a hold. Honestly I probably need to be, but I’m too afraid
My text to to S today: “I got a call today from student case management- I didn’t realize you had to report me (at least I’m assuming it was you?). Its okay if it was, I get it and I get that you’re worried, and I appreciate that you care enough to do so. I’m really sorry I put you in that position and created more work for you. thank you for all the support and help you have given me, it has helped more than you know” 
She didn’t respond to me this morning, and hasn’t responded yet to this either. its been an hour, no reply. I fucked up. I never should’ve emailed her the truth to begin with. But I was so desperate for support. I’m so alone in this. But I’m a fucking idiot
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balarsen22 · 5 years
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I fucked it up, as usual
So I’ve been reaching out to S but I forget that normal people don’t have constant suicidal ideation and severe depression. I was overly emotional last night and texted her to vent: “No one seems to be able to tell me how you go about believing in yourself again after you’ve tried to kill yourself. like how can I trust myself ever again after I literally gave up on myself in the biggest way possible? I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t want to hate myself anymore. I want to feel like i’m actually worth something. I don’t want to just suppress everything long enough to make it through the workday and fall apart when I get home like I usually do. I want to live, not just survive. but I’m so sick of fighting with my brain to not give up. sometimes i just want to break down and not get up again. I know I have so much to live for, but I feel like such a liar telling myself things will get better. I don’t even know if I deserve for it to get better.” s wanted me to go to summitstone, i didnt want to go. She replied “I think maybe I should have someone do a welfare check on you if You don’t go to be safe” i was still hesitating, and she texted “it would be really irresponsible of me to ignore a text like the one you just sent and not try to help you as much as possible.” I agreed to go, and said “I’m sorry, I realize now that was a lot to vent to you and I shouldn’t have put you in that position”
I ended up going to the ER instead because I needed stitches again, (I didnt tell her about cutting because then she would’ve completely freaked out). Now I think I’ve overwhelmed her and I feel terrible for making her worry. I’ve apologized for being too open about things, but I still feel terrible about it and I’m afraid I’ve lost her as support. I don’t feel like I should reach out to her anymore. I’m afraid that I’m low key splitting on her, and that this is turning into a favorite person situation. I haven’t had a therapist in over a month that I can talk to (mine is on maternity leave and my replacement is useless) and I can tell I’m slowly slipping back into old habits already.
I miss having a competent therapist and I hate having bpd.
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balarsen22 · 5 years
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I fucked it up, as usual
So I’ve been reaching out to S but I forget that normal people don’t have constant suicidal ideation and severe depression. I was overly emotional last night and texted her to vent: “No one seems to be able to tell me how you go about believing in yourself again after you’ve tried to kill yourself. like how can I trust myself ever again after I literally gave up on myself in the biggest way possible? I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t want to hate myself anymore. I want to feel like i’m actually worth something. I don’t want to just suppress everything long enough to make it through the workday and fall apart when I get home like I usually do. I want to live, not just survive. but I’m so sick of fighting with my brain to not give up. sometimes i just want to break down and not get up again. I know I have so much to live for, but I feel like such a liar telling myself things will get better. I don’t even know if I deserve for it to get better.” s wanted me to go to summitstone, i didnt want to go. She replied “I think maybe I should have someone do a welfare check on you if You don’t go to be safe” i was still hesitating, and she texted “it would be really irresponsible of me to ignore a text like the one you just sent and not try to help you as much as possible.” I agreed to go, and said “I’m sorry, I realize now that was a lot to vent to you and I shouldn’t have put you in that position”
I ended up going to the ER instead because I needed stitches again, (I didnt tell her about cutting because then she would’ve completely freaked out). Now I think I’ve overwhelmed her and I feel terrible for making her worry. I’ve apologized for being too open about things, but I still feel terrible about it and I’m afraid I’ve lost her as support. I don’t feel like I should reach out to her anymore. I’m afraid that I’m low key splitting on her, and that this is turning into a favorite person situation. I haven’t had a therapist in over a month that I can talk to (mine is on maternity leave and my replacement is useless) and I can tell I’m slowly slipping back into old habits already.
I miss having a competent therapist and I hate having bpd.
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balarsen22 · 5 years
Text
I fucked it up, as usual
So I’ve been reaching out to S but I forget that normal people don’t have constant suicidal ideation and severe depression. I was overly emotional last night and texted her to vent: “No one seems to be able to tell me how you go about believing in yourself again after you’ve tried to kill yourself. like how can I trust myself ever again after I literally gave up on myself in the biggest way possible? I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t want to hate myself anymore. I want to feel like i’m actually worth something. I don’t want to just suppress everything long enough to make it through the workday and fall apart when I get home like I usually do. I want to live, not just survive. but I’m so sick of fighting with my brain to not give up. sometimes i just want to break down and not get up again. I know I have so much to live for, but I feel like such a liar telling myself things will get better. I don’t even know if I deserve for it to get better.” s wanted me to go to summitstone, i didnt want to go. She replied “I think maybe I should have someone do a welfare check on you if You don’t go to be safe” i was still hesitating, and she texted “it would be really irresponsible of me to ignore a text like the one you just sent and not try to help you as much as possible.” I agreed to go, and said “I’m sorry, I realize now that was a lot to vent to you and I shouldn’t have put you in that position”
I ended up going to the ER instead because I needed stitches again, (I didnt tell her about cutting because then she would’ve completely freaked out). Now I think I’ve overwhelmed her and I feel terrible for making her worry. I’ve apologized for being too open about things, but I still feel terrible about it and I’m afraid I’ve lost her as support. I don’t feel like I should reach out to her anymore. I’m afraid that I’m low key splitting on her, and that this is turning into a favorite person situation. I haven’t had a therapist in over a month that I can talk to (mine is on maternity leave and my replacement is useless) and I can tell I’m slowly slipping back into old habits already.
I miss having a competent therapist and I hate having bpd.
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balarsen22 · 5 years
Text
I fucked it up, as usual
So I’ve been reaching out to S but I forget that normal people don’t have constant suicidal ideation and severe depression. I was overly emotional last night and texted her to vent: “No one seems to be able to tell me how you go about believing in yourself again after you’ve tried to kill yourself. like how can I trust myself ever again after I literally gave up on myself in the biggest way possible? I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t want to hate myself anymore. I want to feel like i’m actually worth something. I don’t want to just suppress everything long enough to make it through the workday and fall apart when I get home like I usually do. I want to live, not just survive. but I’m so sick of fighting with my brain to not give up. sometimes i just want to break down and not get up again. I know I have so much to live for, but I feel like such a liar telling myself things will get better. I don’t even know if I deserve for it to get better.” s wanted me to go to summitstone, i didnt want to go. She replied “I think maybe I should have someone do a welfare check on you if You don’t go to be safe” i was still hesitating, and she texted “it would be really irresponsible of me to ignore a text like the one you just sent and not try to help you as much as possible.” I agreed to go, and said “I’m sorry, I realize now that was a lot to vent to you and I shouldn’t have put you in that position”
I ended up going to the ER instead because I needed stitches again, (I didnt tell her about cutting because then she would’ve completely freaked out). Now I think I’ve overwhelmed her and I feel terrible for making her worry. I’ve apologized for being too open about things, but I still feel terrible about it and I’m afraid I’ve lost her as support. I don’t feel like I should reach out to her anymore. I’m afraid that I’m low key splitting on her, and that this is turning into a favorite person situation. I haven’t had a therapist in over a month that I can talk to (mine is on maternity leave and my replacement is useless) and I can tell I’m slowly slipping back into old habits already.
I miss having a competent therapist and I hate having bpd.
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balarsen22 · 5 years
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“I just want you to know, I’m excited for your future and I want to see you go to Mississippi and be a rock star equine vet!!”
Simpson texted that to me out of the blue today. She knows I had a rough weekend- she has me check in with her daily. She always refers me to professional help if I’m too honest about the thoughts, and doesn’t always say much, but I know she’s there for me. Thats more than I’ve had in a long time
I want so badly to be okay. I’m doing the things, I’m trying to get help. Actual help, not that bs that CSU is putting me through. But my mind is so dark, and it feels so hopeless. I can start the day okay, but by the time the afternoon comes I want to die again. 
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balarsen22 · 5 years
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Welp. Getting stitches at the Er again
First time I cut in over 3 months and cut too deep. Fingers crossed they don’t make me stay
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balarsen22 · 5 years
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I met with simpson tonight. and I vented. She held my hand, touched my knee. I brought up my fear of court, my fear all the time. how trapped I feel with the appointments at csu. not sleeping. not enjoying anything anymore. I talked about waking up in the hospital, how she didnt know it at the time, but she let holly leave early so she could come see me. She wanted to do fixing. She wanted to buy me a month of crossfit (I said I couldnt accept). I talked about my fears, how I feel like I make a better tech than a vet and I dont know how to be a good vet when I barely take care of myself. She spent over an hour building me up and talking about how I could possibly make things better. She self disclosed. She told me it gets better. She gave me a hug. I think the physical support she gave was almost as good as the talk we had. she told me to call any time. I talked a little bit about my attempt, and being in the hospital afterwards. Calling my mom from the ICU, telling her not to come. Simpson though the would’ve came anyways. I talked about my fear that people know or can see. I told her that her reaching out to me was probably the first time I can remember that someone saw that I was not okay, and that while it kinda freaked me out it helped a lot. I talked about feeling alone with it all, not want ing to burden people or be attention seeking. she kept reminding me to take care of myself first. to take time for myself. do things I enjoy.  we talked for a good hour and a half. I’m glad I reached out to her.
“You survived by seizing every tiny drop of love you could find anywhere, and milking it, relishing it, for all it was worth. And as you grew up, you sought love, anywhere you could find it, whether it was a teacher or a coach or a friend or a friend’s parents. You sought those tiny droplets of love, basking in them when you found them. They sustained you. For all these years, you’ve lived under the illusion that somehow, you made it because you were tough enough to overpower the abuse, the hatred, the hard knocks of life. But really you made it because love is so powerful that tiny little doses of it are enough to overcome the pain of the worst things life can dish out. Toughness was a faulty coping mechanism you devised to get by. But, in reality, it has been your ability to never give up, to keep seeking love, and your resourcefulness to make that love last long enough to sustain you. That is what has gotten you by.“
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balarsen22 · 5 years
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balarsen22 · 5 years
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I think the reason no one cares about borderlines is that we cry out for help for years in so many different ways and it just gets old to people. They’re like “oh she still isn’t better?” “That’s just how she is” “she just wants attention” Meanwhile you are screaming help in every language you know and your voice is cracking but it’s just no longer urgent, it’s not interesting, because you are not an easy fix
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balarsen22 · 5 years
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I met with simpson tonight. and I vented. She held my hand, touched my knee. I brought up my fear of court, my fear all the time. how trapped I feel with the appointments at csu. not sleeping. not enjoying anything anymore. I talked about waking up in the hospital, how she didnt know it at the time, but she let holly leave early so she could come see me. She wanted to do fixing. She wanted to buy me a month of crossfit (I said I couldnt accept). I talked about my fears, how I feel like I make a better tech than a vet and I dont know how to be a good vet when I barely take care of myself. She spent over an hour building me up and talking about how I could possibly make things better. She self disclosed. She told me it gets better. She gave me a hug. I think the physical support she gave was almost as good as the talk we had. she told me to call any time. I talked a little bit about my attempt, and being in the hospital afterwards. Calling my mom from the ICU, telling her not to come. Simpson though the would’ve came anyways. I talked about my fear that people know or can see. I told her that her reaching out to me was probably the first time I can remember that someone saw that I was not okay, and that while it kinda freaked me out it helped a lot. I talked about feeling alone with it all, not want ing to burden people or be attention seeking. she kept reminding me to take care of myself first. to take time for myself. do things I enjoy.  we talked for a good hour and a half. I’m glad I reached out to her.
“You survived by seizing every tiny drop of love you could find anywhere, and milking it, relishing it, for all it was worth. And as you grew up, you sought love, anywhere you could find it, whether it was a teacher or a coach or a friend or a friend’s parents. You sought those tiny droplets of love, basking in them when you found them. They sustained you. For all these years, you’ve lived under the illusion that somehow, you made it because you were tough enough to overpower the abuse, the hatred, the hard knocks of life. But really you made it because love is so powerful that tiny little doses of it are enough to overcome the pain of the worst things life can dish out. Toughness was a faulty coping mechanism you devised to get by. But, in reality, it has been your ability to never give up, to keep seeking love, and your resourcefulness to make that love last long enough to sustain you. That is what has gotten you by.“
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