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i should be doing my homework but instead I’m laughing over how guy gardner was a teacher in canon at some point. like that’s so funny to me. does guy stress over getting report cards done on time? does he go to PPTs? does he have a master’s degree because some states require it to keep your teaching certification? does he know about the science of reading? does he skip out on green lantern stuff cause he’s got a PD day he’s not allowed to miss? does he have moments where simply hearing that one name can give him an entire school year’s worth of ptsd? does he do the clap pattern to get attention? does he say “okay friends!”? is this why he opened that bar

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Terrific and Groovy🪩

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Went down the rabbit hole now of reading all of Guy Gardner's earliest appearances, and he really does get shafted every time he shows up.

His first appearance is kind of an AU story, when the Guardians tell Hal Jordan that there was another Green Lantern candidate on Earth who was equally worthy, but Abin Sur chose Hal to take the ring because Hal was closer. The Guardians then show Hal a what-if scenario that would have played out if Guy was Green Lantern first. Guy doesn't have much personality, but he acts as a hero just like Hal, and eventually dies of an incurable "yellow plague," passing the ring on to Hal as he does. Hal is like, "This Guy Gardner seems like an excellent fellow, I want to meet him," and travels to Baltimore just to join Guy's gym and hang out with him for a week. Guy is a normal guy living a normal life as a school PE teacher, and hasn't got a clue about any of this.

I want to emphasize here that Guy was declared "equally worthy" at the time that Hal was chosen. He isn't just some jerk that stumbled his way into powers, he was straight up chosen by the Corps.

Guy next appears in Green Lantern 87, where he gets taken out of commission to allow John Stewart to become the new "back-up" Green Lantern. No shade on Stewart, who is a great character in his own right, but I think it's funny that Guy literally got "thrown under a bus" to pave the way for John. Guy is chaperoning the kids from his school on a field trip

Hal shows up in time to save them both but not in time to prevent Guy from getting creamed by a bus. So Guy gets pushed further down the list of Lantern candidates and still has no idea. This is who Guy used to be, though, a caring teacher who puts himself in danger to save a child, and I think that that's still the core of his personality, even when it's wrapped in layers of angry jackass.

After Guy recovers, there comes a time when Hal's ring is malfunctioning and he goes to OA to have it repaired. Hal recruits Guy again, and Guy finally gets to be a Lantern....for a very brief time.

Guy is still kind of mild-mannered and ordinary. Interesting that he actually has a "mental implant" preparing him to be a Lantern, so on some level he was sort of programmed to "want it". Guy isn't perfect but he does a decent job as a rookie, and saves Green Arrow from falling debris. He is also subjected to Green Arrow's famous chili:

Meanwhile, Hal finds out that there is a problem with his battery, and comes back, but not in time to warn Guy. Hal's battery appears to completely disintegrate Guy, and he is thought to be dead:

It turns out Guy was actually sent to the Phantom Zone, although the incident with the battery, according to the Guardians, "damaged his mind and body."

Hal is genuinely distraught by Guy's apparent death, and he deals with that grief by almost immediately hooking up with Guy's girlfriend, Kari Limbo. Kari is a "Gypsy fortune-teller" with psychic powers/abilities to predict the future, because unfortunately American comics and pop culture used to use that word freely and tended to always depict Romani people according to certain stereotypes. At least Kari is treated as a good and sympathetic character.

Settle down, Hal, Guy just died last issue! In fairness to Hal, he truly believe that Guy is dead, and Kari makes the first move. But the two of them have a whirlwind romance, meeting in issue 117, and almost getting married in issue 122.

In issue 122, the wedding falls through as Kari senses Guy calling out to her from the Phantom Zone. Superman and Hal go to investigate and discover that Guy has been trapped there, and has fallen under the control of General Zod. Guy was also able to see what was happening on Earth, so after getting thrown violently into another dimension, Guy has been watching Hal romance his girlfriend while trapped in a horrible nothing place. It's no wonder he later thinks it was a set-up:

(From a later Secret Origins)

Hal valiantly goes in to rescue Guy. Guy is first somewhat under the control of General Zod, then gets whisked away by Sinestro, who uses him as a hostage against Hal. By the time Hal brings Guy back safely, he has gone catatonic:

Guy remains in this state for YEARS. For years he is basically in a coma, until Crisis on Infinite Earths, when the Guardians restore him because they need him to act as a Green Lantern. And here's the kicker. The Guardians could have fixed Guy at any point, but they let him stay catatonic until they needed him:

Guy was basically injured in the line of duty, through no fault of his own, and the Guardians are now telling him that they couldn't be bothered to help him because he was just a "back-up" Lantern, and they had more important things to worry about. Even though he was originally "equally worthy" to Hal. They just let him rot until they needed another Lantern.

Like god damn, no wonder he is so angry all the time, no wonder he has such a chip on his shoulder about being THE Green Lantern.

None of this really excuses Guy's asshole behavior, he is rude and abrasive to everyone, and does things that border on villainy. But he really gets kicked around before finally getting accepted into the Corps. It also seems like the brain injury that Guy suffered has at least partially caused this shift in his personality, but that could be a whole other post.

Honestly, I like asshole Guy, it really adds to his character. Early Guy was a very decent person, but bland. Gruff, abrasive Guy is more interesting, as long as writers don't forget that he wasn't always this way, and that there's still a decent person in there. Guy is the epitome of Jerk With a Heart of Gold, sometimes that gold is just...buried pretty deep.

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he's had the names memorized since before starfleet academy

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middle-aged men yaoi?!,!!?!

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Me and my cousin have an ongoing bit where we pretend we made "slightly better" versions of things where we'll be like.

"That was a pretty good movie, but not as good as my movie, House of 1001 Corpses," or "I guess this song is okay. Kind of reminds me of a song I'm working on called 'Faster Car'."

Never once has it been funny or made anyone but us laugh.

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I guess a summary of Guy is that he's never an asshole if he doesn’t have a reason to be an asshole.

Is he loud, crass and cocky? Yes. But he also has an extremely strong sense of what is just and fair, and he's not going to be an asshole unless he feels like someone is being extremely unfair or an asshole in the first place.

Guy also acts like an asshole as defense mechanism. This is someone who was violently physically abused as a kid. This is someone who grew up dealing with anger issues, used to everyone seeing him as not worthy of their time, someone who is constantly treated by the world as if he's just cannon fodder and generally useless.

No one advocates for him, and so he must advocate for himself. His big problem is that Guy is physically unable of having small emotions. So he's going to be big, mean, loud and up in everyone's faces, because that's who he is and what he does to defend himself.

Guy is the first to be there for his friends, no matter what. He will give them a hard time, he will mock and tease and be generally insufferable, but he WILL be there for his friends. He's the ultimate ride or die.

Once he cares about someone, he can't stop, even if they betray him (sleeping with his fiancee while he's in a coma), if they kill him (by ripping his arm off and letting him free fall from the atmosphere back to earth), if they ask the impossible of him. If he cares about someone, he's gonna care till he dies. And he will still care from the afterlife.

Guy will make himself the target on purpose if it means his friends are safe. He will let himself be captured and tortured if it means his friends don't get hurt. He's gonna see someone is about to give up on themselves and he's going to annoy them into not doing that.

Guy's the most loyal person anyone could have on their side.

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this is genuinely the funniest thing i’ve seen in weeks. love wins 🫶

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Comedians in the '70s and cartoons in the '90s: weird how your kids can watch violence and murder on TV but the FCC wants us dead if we say the word nipple.

Internet users in 2025: you didn't warn me that there would be erotic themes in the game you just mentioned which is fucked up because I thought it was going to be a normal "morally struggle with killing people" game but now it's gone too far :-/

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be pro-aging but wear sun screen. sun protection is not beauty industry propaganda it will save you. wear it. or else.

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idk who needs to hear this but if you have been putting something off bc it doesn't need to be done until the end of the month. we are almost done with the teens we are approaching the big numbers (the twenties). that date shall dawn upon you swiftly and without mercy before you know it. psa for everyone except me i got plany off time

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Lois: You're the love of my life and my best friend, I would do anything for you.

Clark: I want you to eat three meals a day and have a decent sleep schedule.

Lois, working on an article: Absolutely not.

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People will literally be doing anything on ao3

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I made a thing