becksrutherford-blog - Tumblr blog

[becksrutherford-blog]

Did we have the same day? I think I worked with this guy. Short, fat, going bald? Because I heard the same story when we were clearing him out. It was heartburn. I know this was a few days ago, but please tell me it was as glorious as it sounds?

Today started with a 55-year-old man arguing with me that he definitely had a heart attack every night this week… One, that’s impossible. And Two, he told me that he ate spicy foods practically every meal which he doesn’t normally do, so he definitely just had heartburn. 

I’ll be drinking in the break room now if anyone needs me. And yes, I am off-shift, so don’t get any of your panties in a twist. 

[becksrutherford-blog]

So a family of spiders moved into your home? How many spiders? What type? Ugh. I hate spiders, and their bites are nasty. Please tell me you caught and released?

So I walk into my apartment after being away for a few days, and it seems I have been visited by a family of spiders. Okay well its only two but two makes a family and so I told those spiders it was either them or me, and it has been decided that I need to find a new place to live… but seriously how is everyone? Don’t forget to get your Fourth of July orders in!

[becksrutherford-blog]

How tiny is  this home? I feel like I need to come check it out, Jorgie. Do you think you can set that up? How big is it?! Well, small. I need to see this.

My new tiny home is ridiculous. I freaking love it. Once I get it all nice and set up I’m definitely throwing a nice little party. Obviously you all can’t fit inside of it, but best believe there will be a patio area set up. And I got beach side parking! Lit. If anyone has any space saving decorating tips, holler at your boy.

[becksrutherford-blog]

I’m off for the next three days, and I think it’s the perfect excuse to get shitfaced. Anyone want to join me on this glorious adventure?

[becksrutherford-blog]

Did they really? Enter Sandman is my theme song. Their cover was incredible!

Metallica won the Polar Music Prize yesterday which is amazing but I’m still blown away by that cover of ‘Enter Sandman’ like… damn.

[becksrutherford-blog]

I feel like this is a story I could have come up with. It is very much something I’d do. I feel screw drivers are good bun holders. I usually use a pencil, but screwdrivers work too.

I feel like this could also be why I am single. We can be single together.

So I sat on the bus back home from work yesterday when this sweet guy took a seat in front of me. He smiled, so I smiled back and we started talking. Right before he reaches his stop he said he had wanted to tell me something the whole time. At which point he points out that there’s a screwdriver in the lazy bun I made. Which probably explains me searching for it about an hour earlier. And also why he started talking to me in the first place.

I’d like to dedicate this story to my parents and their everlasting question of “How come you’re still single, June?” This. This is why. 

[becksrutherford-blog]

TEXT 💬 OPEN

JAMES: So apparently I'm becoming an old fart, so I'm drowning my sorrows.

JAMES: Feel very free to come and join me. Drinks are on me.

BECK: So being an old fart means you buy people drinks?

BECK: I'm down. When, and where?

[becksrutherford-blog]

brightsrutherford:

Ew, don’t ever say that again. Lucifer was an angel, so I mean, still accurate. I’m sorry you misspelled basic…

I DON’T BEG FOR DICK! I’m just not above begging for it…

What? You’re pulling my dick? Do you have a problem with my metaphoric dick? It’s big. FYI.

BUT YOU DO!! I ask, and it’s delivered, so suck it.

[becksrutherford-blog]

krazykhy:

You at home right now? I wish you would’ve taken a picture, ‘cause that’s one dick I wouldn’t mind seeing in a box.

Yup. I’m home allll by myself. My roommate is out of town. I have another coupon, so perhaps I COULD share that one day. It was nice. Real nice, let me tell you.

[becksrutherford-blog]

andyhudson:

That was wild, whoa. And I’m just really confused. Is that a comedy troupe? Or a real thing? Or a double entendre? But I’m glad everything worked out and you had fun!

No. It was an actual dick in a box. It is what it sounds like. You should give it a try.

[becksrutherford-blog]

krazykhy:

Most of the shit out of my mouth does, but like I said, if you want it to be then we can make it one. I guess it’s the thought that counts in this scenario. Who was the lucky dude?

That’s slick, man. I mean I never turn it down. It does. One of the best birthday gifts ever. Conrad.

[becksrutherford-blog]

brightsrutherford:

Honestly, I have no idea what you’re talking about, I’m an angel and I’m sure I could pay enough people to agree with me on that.

#tfwyoualwayslookgoodthoughandyoursisteristrippin

You’re pulling at my dick right now, aren’t you? An angel? More like the devil, Point you have to PAY people. I could get people to agree with me like that. I can’t help it. I’m perfect.

#whenyourbrotherneedstobegfordickandyougetitforfree

[becksrutherford-blog]

brightsrutherford:

And people think you’re the nice one. When in reality you make your baby brother cry when all I’ve ever done is love and support you.

#calloutpost

I am the nice one. You disowned me. I’m sorry you can’t take what I’m dishing back. Oh poor little brighty. Cry me a river. I’m sorry. No one ever said love was easy.

#notreallyacalloutwhenyoujustlookbad

[becksrutherford-blog]

brightsrutherford:

Pearls are not big enough for my ass, you anal virgin! I’m annoying, I’M ANNOYING?! What I am is a fucking treasure and you’re lucky to have me as your flesh and blood. I’m telling mom you threatened to disown me.

omg I told mom and she just sent me this in return. So now this whole family has been put in timeout.

Far from an anal virgin, but thanks bro. You are annoying, and the only person that thinks you’re a treasure is you. You were cuter when you were a baby, and I could shove things up your nose. Go ahead. Tell her. We’ll see what she does.

I KNEW IT! You’re such a tattle tail, bright ass. Seriously who the fuck do you think you are?

[becksrutherford-blog]

krazykhy:

I wasn’t, but if you want it to be an offer then I don’t mind making it into one. Ya birthday is an international holiday, but did you get the dick in a box on that day or was it afterward? ‘Cause if it wasn’t on your birthday then it just ain’t the same.

Are you sure? That sounded like an offer. I got the book on my birthday, and cashed in on my asking, and near my asking in the future, so no, it wasn’t on my birthday, but it was somewhere thrilling, so it made up for it.

[becksrutherford-blog]

squatwithvera:

Good! I agree, I think I’m going to make my sister take me to one. @dropsofjuniperweston​, you’re on. That sounds like so much fun! Do you have someone to use all of those things with because that’s also important! Minus the vibrator, you can definitely use that solo. 

You should do it! It’s a fun bonding adventure, that is for sure! It was fun, and I do! Most of it isn’t by myself. The vibrator is just for fun with, or without someone!

[becksrutherford-blog]

brightsrutherford:

Excuse me while I clutch my non existent pearls. First I’m acute and second you know I don’t pay attention to things that don’t directly involve me!

You mean the pearls shoved up your ass? You’re annoying. That’s what you are. Then it is YOUR fault not mine, buddy. Maybe I should just disown you over your blatant lack of interest in my life.