bluforgetmenots

[bluforgetmenots]

Someone speak someone just say anything or am I yhe only god forsaken person on here please PLEASE someone say SOMRTHJNGHH my body is so full and tense and it hurts its a weird ticking ticklish way Pl PLEASE oh my god when it is mooorninggg I'm goung to LOOOSE MG FUCKING MARBLES

WHAT. what. Sorry I'm TWEAKING OUT. I hate it iiiiiiiiii need calm i need person with me. WHY am I the ONLY person on the WHOLE EARTH I will crash out. I will crash the FUCK! out! Van another person who's lile actually whole and sane and normal please just exist. whaytaWHAT

Maybe

[bluforgetmenots]

★ Tuesday, January 12th, 2025 [🌤]

Happy new year.

I'm heavy and tired. I'm so alone and warm. I feel such disconnect, and at the same time, I want to rip the roots from under my feet.

I'm in a very strange sort of grieving stage where I know now that a chapter of my life with a friend very dear to me is coming to close. I've known for some time now, but I didn't want it to be true. I guess.

Scanlon says, "Working out the terms of moral justification is an unending task." But if I'm damned if i stay and damned if I don't. I'll see them every day in my mind if not in person. I know the end is coming, but is it justified to hold on until the end naturally comes, or is it in the interest for both parties to let the bow unravel and sit on the ground, let go.

A cry would be nice right now but my eyes won't water.

★ Maybe

[bluforgetmenots]

★ Thursday, December 19th, 2024 [🔥]

This entry is meant for purely manifestation reasons only, I don't like having to rely on these kinds of methods when I can do things myself. I just think this will comfort me.

Get out of my life. Get out of my life. Get out of my life. Get out of my life. Get out of my life. Get out of my life. Get out of my life. Get out of my life. Get out of my life. Get out of my life. Get out of my life. Get out of my life. Get out of my life. Get out of my life. Get out of my life. Get out of my life. Get out of my life. Get out of my life. Get out of my life. Get out of my life. Get out of my life. Get out of my life. Get out of my life. Get out of my life. Get out of my life. Get out of my life. Get out of my life. Get out of my life. Get out of my life. Get out of my life.

Stop talking to me. Stop talking to me. Stop talking to me. Stop talking to me. Stop talking to me. Stop talking to me. Stop talking to me. Stop talking to me. Stop talking to me. Stop talking to me. Stop talking to me. Stop talking to me. Stop talking to me. Stop talking to me. Stop talking to me. Stop talking to me. Stop talking to me. Stop talking to me. Stop talking to me. Stop talking to me. Stop talking to me. Stop talking to me. Stop talking to me. Stop talking to me. Stop talking to me. Stop talking to me. Stop talking to me. Stop talking to me. Stop talking to me. Stop talking to me.

There's a man who watches all my online activity. He is in my friend group, and this is the only account he doesn't know of. I want him gone. He disgusts me. He is ugly and a liar, and I know that he has crossed too many lines. I don't know that manifestation will work, but if it helps me sleep tonight, it will have been worth it. I am exhausted and hurting all over.

★ Maybe

[bluforgetmenots]

★ Monday, December 3rd, 2024 [?]

You post your misery and your depression like it is a shiney badge of honour that people should envy and admire. You preach your own death as if it is something noble. You encourage an endless cycle of self decay and hatred in everyone whose eyes you meet. You disgust me to my very core, and I see you as nothing. You are a void of your own creation, and I see very little worth in you.

I will not defend myself. I can not and will not tolerate those who encourage the worsening of their own and everyone else's mental health. I hate you. I hate you as the sun is bright and angry. Stay away from me. Stay away from those who I love.

Yours truly, and truly exhausted.

★ Maybe

[bluforgetmenots]

★ Wednesday, December 2nd, 2024 [❄️]

Often times my friends come to me with their problems and complain a lot. I like to help people so I don't mind. It makes me feel like a good person.

The issue is that I just don't care. Like if someone tells me something bad happened to them, I feel nothing. Obviously I want to help my friends and I think that I do. That doesn't change the fact that I do not feel sorrow or sympathy.

Am I a bad person, or is it my autism, I don't know.

★ Maybe

[bluforgetmenots]

★ Sunday, December 1st, 2024 [❄️]

Just saying. I will not listen to asmr made by a man. Please leave me alone.

★ Maybe

[bluforgetmenots]

★ Thursday, November 28th, 2024 [❄️]

I don't know what happens after the moment it happens. To be honest I'm very scared for tomorrow. I have to sit down in a meeting and confess a lie. Even though that shakes me, it brings me some comfort to know that after tomorrow, the days will keep coming and coming and coming endlessly. The sun will let and rise, and I will continue to be alive. There's an odd sort of stability in that.

I feel silly admitting this but having said that my brain wants to tell me that the day after tomorrow will be the end of the world. Or has me saying that tricked Karma and saved the world, has making that guess angered whatever makes the decision of the world ending? Of course I know that we decide that and there isn't a trans demsional being that makes that choice. The horror of it is what if there is? Does the thinking ever stop? Why does my thinking feel disconnected from mt body like my head is a man standing behind me?

If it were exhaustion that'd be fine but this is my life. Every day and every night I think endlessly and there is no way to slow it down or stop it. I'm tired.

I don't know. I just really don't. I don't want anything right now. I think I have to wait.

No more questions, just wait.

★ Maybe <3

[bluforgetmenots]

★ Wednesday, November 13th, 2024 [❄️]

Sorry it's been so long. I guess I lost track. I wanted to update the diary, but that's a hard task. Every day lately has been blending into one, and yeah. Words.

I have new candles, and I split the wax. I'm sick, my pc monitor is acting up, my rooms a mess, I haven't showered and I can't stop eating and I haven't been out in days.

That's my update. I'm glad I did this. I wanna post more and start vlogging. I sorta like how sparse it is here, I am fully aware that I am posting to the Internet and not writing a private diary. If people see my posts, I am happy, and if they don't, I am equally happy. Although sometimes I wanna chat.

I think that's all. It's bitterly cold. That's all.

★ Maybe

[bluforgetmenots]

★ Saturday, September 28th, 2024 [🧊]

I don't wish to die. I'm happy.

Still, I would be more than happy to watch you as a púca

I love you

★ Maybe

[bluforgetmenots]

★ Tuesday, September 18th, 2024 [☀️]

Someone should really just buy me all the in-game currency I want in video games. Jk. I'm listening to asmr, but it's hurting my ears. I dunno how else to sleep.

Today was weird. I know since it's my diary I should expand on why but Truthfully I don't really know. Sorry! Not!

I feel better from how I felt these past few entries, it'd be nice to always feel alright.

I forgot what else I was gonna say, so here's a nice photo I took from a walk I strolled the other day, + my dogs

★ Maybe

[bluforgetmenots]

★ Saturday, September 14th, 2024 [❄️]

What more can I do. I don't want to sit and wait, but I want to be liked and paid attention to. I try to engage, but I am not talked to. Why do people have to sit there and wait for me to fizzle out and burn away instead of ending things when they're over. I hate it.

If I get some sleep, will these feelings still matter? My chest hurts.

★ Maybe

[My lunch ^]

[bluforgetmenots]

★ Thursday, September 12th, 2024 [☁️]

If everyone is here. If they're all online and I am making an effort to be social like I was told to then why won't someone talk to me.

I'm very upset and I want to sleep but I can not. Maybe I want to cry, but I don't know who to go cry to. I've always wanted to be the person people can cry to. It is a very lonely job, though.

I'm upset and I want to sleep. I want to stay in bed all night and all day. I will want to go outside too.

★ Maybe

[bluforgetmenots]

★ Thursday, September 5th, 2024 [☁️]

I haven't much to report today. Nothing much really happened. I really need to sleep but I just can't seem to get comfortable.

The boiler broke, it's freezing.

I want to try sleep now

★ Maybe

[bluforgetmenots]

★ Monday, September 2nd, 2024. [🌧]

My phone is on 15% battery. So I think of this as a race to type before it dies. I could plug it in, but I'm very comfortable sitting here.

Today was hard. Then it got easy. Funny that, I was struggling so much this morning, and I was certain that I'd feel awful for the rest of my life. Then I got home, and i felt very guilty. I can't quite explain why. I got to speak to my friends, so that made everything better. I like my friends very much.

I will try to have a good day tomorrow. I am struggling, but I'm allowed to struggle. I can only get better as time passes and today I really had to remind myself of that. One day I will be entirely better.

I remember now how much I enjoyed writing a diary. It's nice to keep everything here and then once it's written down I can forget all about it. Also it rained today and that made me very happy. I like the rain.

★ Maybe

[bluforgetmenots]

★ Sunday, 1st of September, 2024.

I don't have a very extensive list of talents, I'm okay at writing, and I tend to like making and designing characters, at that though I can't draw. My grammar can always use some work, too. I guess making sentences that link to what I was talking about isn't a strong suit.

Im not trying to write anything in a humorous way either, I'm typing as I think. So I'll probably spend like an hour trying to think of something to say. I used to write an online diary, but I forgot the password, so I'm making a new one. It's fun.

Today, I spent all day in my room watching YouTube and writing essays. I like videos. I like video games too. I don't like talking, I like my bed, I like my phone. Sometimes I hate leaving the house, I always hate the sun. I don't like sweating. I like buying hoodies in 3xl so they're big on me.

I feel like I'm playing a character, but I'm not. I keep reminding myself I amn't. I have to always remind myself of things. It's a struggle. I don't mean to forget, but I always do.

I like writing in a diary, I dunno when I'll write next.

★ Maybe